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(CBS News)   "Clearly fish is meat," said Jeff Kerr, an attorney for PETA. "They have thoughts. They have interests. They have a central nervous system. They are not swimming vegetables"   ( divider line
    More: Stupid, PETA, Dietary Reference Intake, vegetarians, Institutionalized Persons Act, Department of Corrections, Religious Land Use  
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4883 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Sep 2013 at 8:22 AM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-09-05 08:42:56 AM  
6 votes:
"They're made out of meat."


     "Meat. They're made out of meat."


     "There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

     "That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"

     "They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

     "So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

     "They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

     "That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

     "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."

     "Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

     "Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"

     "Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

     "Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

     "No brain?"

     "Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."

     "So ... what does the thinking?"

     "You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."

     "Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

     "Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"

     "Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

     "Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

     "Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"

     "First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."

     "We're supposed to talk to meat."

     "That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."

     "They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"

     "Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

     "I thought you just told me they used radio."

     "They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

     "Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

     "Officially or unofficially?"


     "Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

     "I was hoping you would say that."

     "It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

     "I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

     "Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

     "So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."

     "That's it."

     "Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

     "They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

     "A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

     "And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."

     "Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

     "Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

     "They always come around."

     "And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."
2013-09-05 08:26:22 AM  
6 votes:
"They are not swimming vegetables"

Of course not. If they were, I wouldn't be deep frying the suckers.
2013-09-05 08:48:48 AM  
3 votes:

BetterMetalSnake: Why are vegans fine killing plants? A life is a life. What makes animal life so special that killing thousands of innocent broccoli can be done with some sort of moral superiority?

Are you aware that vegetables are not conscious? That is one of several key differences that makes animals and plants fundamentally different things?

/ okay... I'll grant you that there's a lot of evidence on the politics tab that suggests otherwise, but I promise you that despite appearances, those posters are not actually partially literate vegetables
2013-09-05 08:28:37 AM  
3 votes:
If fish were so smart they'd pull those nets down to the sea floor by working together
2013-09-05 08:22:21 AM  
3 votes:
21- So I guess I should become a vegetarian?
24 - No, everything living has a soul. Even spinach. You can't win.
2013-09-05 08:03:19 AM  
3 votes:
Presumably he'd be OK with raping the fish, however.
2013-09-05 09:58:33 PM  
2 votes:
orthodoxnorth.netView Full Size
2013-09-05 01:04:18 PM  
2 votes:

js34603: mainsail: Yeah...but chicken is vegan, right?

Sorry, no. I heard porterhouses are OK though.

1. PETA says animals have rights and privledges the same as people
2. You are what you eat.
3. Therefore Grain fed Cattle are a grain, which is not meat.
4. Enjoy your grainloaf, with gravy of course.
2013-09-05 09:05:46 AM  
2 votes:
Just use the right fishing tackle, and the poor creatures won't feel a thing.
85playgames.eval.hwcdn.netView Full Size
2013-09-05 08:38:50 AM  
2 votes:

ko_kyi: Meat is murder.  Delicious, protein-packed murder.

If you eat a steak you're responsible for about 1% of a murder. If you eat a shrimp cocktail you're a serial killer. Justify that, I only eat fish vegetarians.
2013-09-05 08:34:59 AM  
2 votes:
i.imgur.comView Full Size
2013-09-05 08:32:27 AM  
2 votes:
dilbert.comView Full Size
2013-09-05 08:29:42 AM  
2 votes:

mainsail: Yeah...but chicken is vegan, right?

1.bp.blogspot.comView Full Size

Am I red meat yet?

2013-09-05 08:28:21 AM  
2 votes:

mainsail: Yeah...but chicken is vegan, right?

Sorry, no. I heard porterhouses are OK though.
2013-09-05 12:10:45 PM  
1 vote:

True story.
2013-09-05 12:09:55 PM  
1 vote:
Then don't eat it.
2013-09-05 10:25:44 AM  
1 vote:
I've been vegan for years and never needed to eat fish.
It's really not that hard to avoid.

/I do eat cows tho. Since they eat grass they are practically a vegetable.
/God made them slow and delicious for a reason. Who am I to question his wisdom?
2013-09-05 10:02:19 AM  
1 vote:

a_feral_duck: Most cows are fed either grass or corn. Therefore whenever I have a steak I'm eating a vegan, which is close enough.

When people give me guff about not eating vegetables, I simply tell them that I eat vegetables by outsourcing that job to the meat.
2013-09-05 10:00:24 AM  
1 vote:
I don't eat meat except for fish, pork, babies, beef, and poultry.
2013-09-05 08:53:49 AM  
1 vote:

NicoFinn: While I've never considered the profound interests of fish, I do agree that they are a type of meat. Tasty, lean and healthy.

Oh, fish are renowned for their broad and eclectic interests. I remember a walleye named Kentrobu Shinsaw who lived under a frozen lake in Canada's northern territories, and you should have seen this fish's library. Granted it was underwater, but it was still amazing and so diverse. Everything from a first edition biography of Adrien-Marie Legendre to an anthology of Brazilian poets to a series of physics sketches by an early assistant of Einstein as he tried to help the old man figure out constants to molecular dimensions.

Kentrobu was a former mountaineer, drove a race car for two years in Spain until a crash left him with a broken dorsal fin that never set right and sometimes caused him to swim in circles when he got excited. He eschewed the snobby wine collecting and instead became a water connoisseur. He could tell you if water was from a pond, stream or sea, if the snowmelt where it originated had more conifers or deciduous trees, and even the region from where it originated. He used to explain the concept of the interplay between light and magnetic fields, how gravity explained particle theory, and the rather obscure topics of consciousness and perception between humans and animals.

Sadly, he was caught last April by an angler named Chuck.
2013-09-05 08:48:34 AM  
1 vote:
Mr Popey sez that fish isn't meat, so its ok to eat on Fridays.  And Mr. Popey can't make mistakes, he said so.
2013-09-05 08:44:34 AM  
1 vote:

BetterMetalSnake: Life feeds on life.

These are the cries of the carrots, the cries of the carrots! You see, Reverend Maynard, tomorrow is harvest day and to them it is the holocaust!

This is necessary.
2013-09-05 08:38:26 AM  
1 vote:

js34603: mainsail: Yeah...but chicken is vegan, right?

Sorry, no. I heard porterhouses are OK though.

Veal is sort of a vegetable. I think it may have touched a carrot as it frolicked in the garden
2013-09-05 08:38:21 AM  
1 vote:

ko_kyi: Meat is murder.  Delicious, protein-packed murder.

i26.photobucket.comView Full Size

i26.photobucket.comView Full Size

/Murder steer approves
2013-09-05 08:37:48 AM  
1 vote:

unchellmatt: "They are not swimming vegetables"

Of course not. If they were, I wouldn't be deep frying the suckers.

Let's not be hasty - fried zucchini flowers are amazing

Some would even call potatoes vegetables - so fries....

My ancestors did not kill their way to the top of the food chain just so I would abdicate from the throne they passed down to me.

// On the other hand, thanks to the foodies/vegans/grass-eaters, and other non-traditional eaters, I can get some great ingredients at my normal grocery store that my parents had never even heard of.  So there's that.
2013-09-05 08:30:18 AM  
1 vote:
Vegans are murderers! They pollute the environment with all the fecal matter they use to raise the crops and the pesticides! The pesticides kill insects, small mammals, and birds! It causes cancers in humans and birth defects in babies! Down with vegans!
2013-09-05 08:28:26 AM  
1 vote:

mainsail: Yeah...but chicken is vegan, right?

chicken: the other white meat?

/ Chicken of the Sea - total confusion
2013-09-05 08:26:36 AM  
1 vote:
While I've never considered the profound interests of fish, I do agree that they are a type of meat. Tasty, lean and healthy.
2013-09-05 08:23:21 AM  
1 vote:
He forgot to mention tasty.
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