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(Fark)   Time for another round of Whose Fark Is It Anyway, the game where everyone's drunk and nothing matters. Tonight's topic: Things not to do in bed   (fark.com) divider line 96
    More: Amusing  
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3900 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Sep 2013 at 9:38 PM (51 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-09-03 08:43:29 PM
13 votes:
Read fortune cookies.
2013-09-03 07:39:44 PM
8 votes:
Get on the phone and yell "Mom! I FOUND MY SPECIAL PURPOSE!"
2013-09-03 08:11:10 PM
6 votes:
Your mom.
2013-09-03 07:48:43 PM
6 votes:
Dictate the "This is John Galt" speech from Atlas Shrugged.
2013-09-03 09:40:41 PM
5 votes:
Greenlight TFD threads.
2013-09-04 12:01:24 AM
4 votes:
UFsIA (My guy is okay with one finger, but two fingers in and he accused me of trying to turn him teh ghey.)

Oh, and don't suddenly rip a loud fart when your cat is walking across your back in bed. Thought I was gonna need stitches.
2013-09-03 08:17:10 PM
4 votes:
Hold a video conference while you are "working from home."

Yeah Marie, we saw your tits through your nightgown.  What the hell were you thinking?
2013-09-03 07:41:17 PM
4 votes:
Field dress a deer.
2013-09-04 03:56:06 AM
3 votes:
The one.. two TWO things I will never do in bed (again):

1. Fell asleep half drunk in a strange waterbed, woke up when I heard a noise. Opened my eyes and there was a face inches away staring at me.  Whew! Went from horizontal in the bed to vertical in the bathroom in like .2 seconds then realized I was looking at myself in the headboard mirror.

2. I rented a room in college, was studying/reading in my waterbed when I heard this frigging mouse run back and forth multiple times across the drop ceiling tiles above me. I got the brilliant idea to scare him, so I grabbed the nerf ball that was on my headboard and chucked it at the tile directly over me when I heard the mouse scamper that way. Tile went up, mouse came down; landed right on my chest and zoomed under the sheet - straight between my thighs.

The waterbed sheets were stitched closed at the bottom. Believe I lost a good ten years off my life and quite possibly violated the rules of physics getting out of bed.
2013-09-03 10:28:33 PM
3 votes:
Nancy Grace
2013-09-03 10:28:14 PM
3 votes:

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: rev. dave: Have sex with crazy friends:  We were friends for years, she got drunk at a bar and we went to my house.   She came onto me and she initiated sex.
Once we were done she squatted and pissed the bed.
The whole time I am watching in slow motion ...wut ... oh.. a performance..!......  wait ... oh fark... noo...noooo..WTFOMG...dammit.....

Can... can I get her #?


Number 1.

/thank you! I'm here all week!
2013-09-03 10:19:25 PM
3 votes:
i1.ytimg.com
2013-09-03 09:46:45 PM
3 votes:
Don't say "Thanks for cleaning that for me". Stops everything pretty quick.

Lesson learned.
2013-09-03 09:43:39 PM
3 votes:
Say that your 10 year old is going to destroy the video tab and not deliver.
2013-09-03 08:17:55 PM
3 votes:
A guy I know used to sew while sitting on the bed. He would stick the needle into the mattress between tasks.

Then he got a waterbed.
2013-09-03 08:06:40 PM
3 votes:
Try out the new sand wedge.
2013-09-04 02:31:27 AM
2 votes:
"The Bucking Bronco"

I'm pretty sure I learned it from Fark... While you're doing her from behind, simply call out the name of her sister (or best friend). Then hang on for dear life!
2013-09-03 11:25:12 PM
2 votes:
Use an arc welder while doing body shots off of the pastor.
2013-09-03 11:01:11 PM
2 votes:
Giggle at Fark comments while getting a blowie
2013-09-03 10:28:14 PM
2 votes:
Puke your boyfriends sperm in his face and yell "Surprise! Reverse facial!"
2013-09-03 10:00:42 PM
2 votes:
Shoot a bear in your panamas
/How he fit into them I will never know.
2013-09-03 09:57:57 PM
2 votes:
Remove my glasses, thus ruining my Bootsy Collins cosplay experience.

I mean, seriously, do you know how hard it is to find hot pink, star-shaped perscription specs coated in rhinestones? Most unfunky.
2013-09-03 09:55:49 PM
2 votes:
Decapitate a horse
2013-09-03 09:51:49 PM
2 votes:
play Jenga
2013-09-03 09:50:04 PM
2 votes:
Molt.
2013-09-03 09:47:32 PM
2 votes:
The Macarena.
2013-09-03 09:46:06 PM
2 votes:
Have a bonfire.
2013-09-03 09:45:53 PM
2 votes:
I'd say "have sex with my wife",
But she puts out at least once every couple months.
So instead I'm gonna go with "go to sleep at an early hour because I'm not sexually frustrated to the point where I just can't handle the rejection and usually just watch TV and cry until 3am".
2013-09-03 09:44:40 PM
2 votes:
The dog.
2013-09-03 09:41:35 PM
2 votes:
Fire a shot at a sound coming from the other side of the bed.
2013-09-03 08:28:30 PM
2 votes:
Answer a phone call from your wife.
2013-09-03 08:15:31 PM
2 votes:
Maintain your bedbug farm.
2013-09-03 07:47:22 PM
2 votes:
Point and laugh.
2013-09-03 07:41:42 PM
2 votes:
Wipe a shart
2013-09-03 07:40:52 PM
2 votes:
Eat crackers.
2013-09-04 03:32:15 PM
1 votes:
use Ben Gay instead of KY...

don't ask.

{{ SHUDDER }}
2013-09-04 10:23:01 AM
1 votes:
farm5.staticflickr.com
2013-09-04 02:18:36 AM
1 votes:
Disassemble her laptop blindfolded while eating tacos, quoting the French Taunter, and tiring yourself in Shibari knots with your toes.

It did not end well.
2013-09-04 01:01:17 AM
1 votes:
Wonder if grandma would be proud of you.
2013-09-03 11:53:02 PM
1 votes:

megarian: Yell "I'm king Sh*t of F*ck Island."


Better than "King F*ck of Sh*t Island."
2013-09-03 11:36:52 PM
1 votes:
Yell "I'm king Sh*t of F*ck Island."
2013-09-03 11:28:30 PM
1 votes:

cyberspacedout: Open a fortune cookie.


In bed.
2013-09-03 11:23:37 PM
1 votes:
Do body shots off of the pastor.
2013-09-03 11:22:32 PM
1 votes:
Have the pastor over for drinks.
2013-09-03 11:18:42 PM
1 votes:
Arc welding.
2013-09-03 11:10:49 PM
1 votes:
Start going on about my moms custard pie. My god the look. I will never live that down.
2013-09-03 11:10:11 PM
1 votes:
Good idea: Breakfast in bed
Bad idea: including a waffle bar and omelet station.
2013-09-03 10:59:58 PM
1 votes:
2013-09-03 10:38:05 PM
1 votes:
Use an icepack to freeze your hands, then touch the clitoris.

It hurts the jaw.
2013-09-03 10:36:50 PM
1 votes:

ericpbert: This thread should have been a Photoshop!


i.imgur.com
2013-09-03 10:34:03 PM
1 votes:
"Trust me, the points don't matter..."
2013-09-03 10:22:04 PM
1 votes:
Why has nobody said "Stick your dick in crazy!"?
2013-09-03 10:21:38 PM
1 votes:
Drink red wine. Regardless if a bowling ball is dropped or not.
2013-09-03 10:21:24 PM
1 votes:
2013-09-03 10:21:08 PM
1 votes:
Play loud music late at night.  Seriously, you have neighbors, and that goodbye horses song is creepy.
2013-09-03 10:16:21 PM
1 votes:
Herd alpacas.
2013-09-03 10:16:01 PM
1 votes:

Wireless Joe: Seriously, nobody said "rape" yet?  Because that's a valid answer.  "Don't rape in bed."


Ya know some of us aren't just back alley or wooded area rapists.  We prefer the comfort of our own room or rape dungeon.  It doesnt take a ton of effort to show a little bit of class.
2013-09-03 10:14:53 PM
1 votes:
Get drunk and fall asleep eating a hoagie in your waterbed, and have the unfinished 8 inches of the sandwich fall in between the mattress and the liner, and mummify for a year or two, until it is re-discovered by a bridesmaid that you took home after a buddy's wedding?
2013-09-03 10:13:43 PM
1 votes:
Back in the 90's I bought a few of those condoms from the mens room at the bar.
A novelty item.It would show green in the dark where yor D*ck had been.or where she grabbed it and wiped it on the sheets..It looked like a crime scene..It was her bed..
Yeah...don't do this.
2013-09-03 10:11:37 PM
1 votes:
vote republican
2013-09-03 10:11:05 PM
1 votes:
Break out the briefcase, a portrait of George Washington, and a heavy-duty 12-volt power supply.
2013-09-03 10:10:25 PM
1 votes:
"Oh NOW I remember what it was called: The clap. That a problem for you?"
2013-09-03 10:10:09 PM
1 votes:
Yell out "Now YOU have herpes!"
2013-09-03 10:09:17 PM
1 votes:
Build a huge scale model of the Devil's Tower.
2013-09-03 10:07:58 PM
1 votes:

PainfulItching: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: poodebunker: cman: Sleep with your finger in your girlfriends vagina the whole night

Lol...why? Will it bite your finger in the morning?

It'll be like a Chinese finger trap when you wake up

OK, toe. A toe would still work?


A toe will work, but it will come out one size smaller.
2013-09-03 10:07:11 PM
1 votes:
Lay there when airplane parts are falling through the ceiling.
2013-09-03 10:05:59 PM
1 votes:

Bathia_Mapes: Slaughter a chicken


Choking still OK?
2013-09-03 10:05:47 PM
1 votes:
Talk about your 'morale building experiences' in Boy Scouts.
2013-09-03 10:01:11 PM
1 votes:
Build an elaborate maze from finger nail and toe nail clippings and then release 100 centipedes into the maze and watch them try to escape.
2013-09-03 10:00:14 PM
1 votes:
Anything that involves crazy glue
2013-09-03 09:59:43 PM
1 votes:
Cum inside your own ass
2013-09-03 09:59:39 PM
1 votes:
Rebuild that 455 from the Cutlass
2013-09-03 09:58:55 PM
1 votes:
Say "cum inside me daddy!" Seriously it's creepy. Hot, kind of, I mean I did it, but just dont
2013-09-03 09:57:52 PM
1 votes:
Talk about the dozens of dead and dried beta fish stapled around the headboard and stare in horror at the few live ones in multiple mason jars.
2013-09-03 09:57:20 PM
1 votes:
Try to hit the ceiling.
2013-09-03 09:57:05 PM
1 votes:
Lick the balls of the Pope
2013-09-03 09:56:26 PM
1 votes:

Forsythe P. Jones: Molt.


You sick son of a biatch
2013-09-03 09:56:14 PM
1 votes:
Clip your toenails.
2013-09-03 09:55:56 PM
1 votes:
Yell "Pop goes the weasel" when starting sexy time
2013-09-03 09:51:52 PM
1 votes:

spunkymunky: I'd say "have sex with my wife",
But she puts out at least once every couple months.
So instead I'm gonna go with "go to sleep at an early hour because I'm not sexually frustrated to the point where I just can't handle the rejection and usually just watch TV and cry until 3am".


You farking amateur. Let me know when you get to 18 months.
2013-09-03 09:50:29 PM
1 votes:
Drugs.  Not even once.
2013-09-03 09:49:40 PM
1 votes:
Skydive
2013-09-03 09:48:30 PM
1 votes:
Make a green bean casserole.
2013-09-03 09:47:50 PM
1 votes:
Fireworks.
Don't ask me how I know.
/thought it would be romantic.
2013-09-03 09:47:27 PM
1 votes:
Roast nuts
2013-09-03 09:47:11 PM
1 votes:
"Wow, you're so good, people should pay you to do this!"

/actually said it in bed.
//Got the proper response, which was laughter.
2013-09-03 09:47:03 PM
1 votes:
Touch your boyfriend/husband with those cold ass feet, ladies
2013-09-03 09:44:58 PM
1 votes:
Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife...

Doing your... son?
2013-09-03 09:43:29 PM
1 votes:
Twerk
2013-09-03 09:41:58 PM
1 votes:
Have your partner call someone and sing "You've got a friend in me"

(stolen from Phirm)
2013-09-03 09:41:31 PM
1 votes:
people say you shouldn't cry, but i have had great luck with that move.
2013-09-03 09:19:15 PM
1 votes:
Spontaneously combust.
2013-09-03 08:21:21 PM
1 votes:
Sleep with your finger in your girlfriends vagina the whole night
2013-09-03 08:21:12 PM
1 votes:
Shower with cardboard cut out of Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana.

In retrospect, it's probably not a good idea at any time.
2013-09-03 08:01:08 PM
1 votes:
Slaughter a chicken
2013-09-03 07:59:21 PM
1 votes:
[voice="wife"]Have sex.[/voice]

Stupid wife. :/
 
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