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(Fark)   Time for another round of Whose Fark Is It Anyway, the game where everyone's drunk and nothing matters. Tonight's topic: Things not to do in bed   (fark.com) divider line 250
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3902 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Sep 2013 at 9:38 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



250 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2013-09-03 07:39:44 PM  
Get on the phone and yell "Mom! I FOUND MY SPECIAL PURPOSE!"
 
2013-09-03 07:39:49 PM  
poop
 
2013-09-03 07:40:52 PM  
Eat crackers.
 
2013-09-03 07:41:17 PM  
Field dress a deer.
 
2013-09-03 07:41:34 PM  
UFIA. Or a dutch oven.
 
2013-09-03 07:41:42 PM  
Wipe a shart
 
2013-09-03 07:47:22 PM  
Point and laugh.
 
2013-09-03 07:48:04 PM  
Jerk it and mumble someone else's name.

Hypothetically.
 
2013-09-03 07:48:43 PM  
Dictate the "This is John Galt" speech from Atlas Shrugged.
 
2013-09-03 07:50:40 PM  
Smoke bacon.
 
2013-09-03 07:52:20 PM  
Sort your pin collection.
 
2013-09-03 07:59:21 PM  
[voice="wife"]Have sex.[/voice]

Stupid wife. :/
 
2013-09-03 07:59:48 PM  
WUT
 
2013-09-03 08:01:08 PM  
Slaughter a chicken
 
2013-09-03 08:06:40 PM  
Try out the new sand wedge.
 
2013-09-03 08:10:24 PM  
Masturbate furiously.


Oh, *not* do. NM, carry on.
 
2013-09-03 08:11:10 PM  
Your mom.
 
2013-09-03 08:15:31 PM  
Maintain your bedbug farm.
 
2013-09-03 08:17:10 PM  
Hold a video conference while you are "working from home."

Yeah Marie, we saw your tits through your nightgown.  What the hell were you thinking?
 
2013-09-03 08:17:55 PM  
A guy I know used to sew while sitting on the bed. He would stick the needle into the mattress between tasks.

Then he got a waterbed.
 
2013-09-03 08:21:12 PM  
Shower with cardboard cut out of Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana.

In retrospect, it's probably not a good idea at any time.
 
2013-09-03 08:21:21 PM  
Sleep with your finger in your girlfriends vagina the whole night
 
2013-09-03 08:28:30 PM  
Answer a phone call from your wife.
 
2013-09-03 08:32:38 PM  
Surprise buttsex
 
2013-09-03 08:43:29 PM  
Read fortune cookies.
 
2013-09-03 08:58:27 PM  

WelldeadLink: Read fortune cookies.


Winnar!
 
2013-09-03 09:16:52 PM  
Well, do you mean in bed or ::wink wink nudge nudge:: "In bed?"  Big difference here.  Hell, to be honest, the non-fun in bed thing, I can honestly say there's not much I haven't done when being a lazy bastard who doesn't want to get out of bed (having lived in a single dorm room in college about the size of a glorified closet, not much room to do much else).

But the funny thing is? The more sleep issues I develop as I want people on my lawn less, the more I realize doing shiat in bed isn't a good idea.  Just farks your sleep rhythms up....
 
2013-09-03 09:19:15 PM  
Spontaneously combust.
 
2013-09-03 09:40:41 PM  
Greenlight TFD threads.
 
2013-09-03 09:41:31 PM  
people say you shouldn't cry, but i have had great luck with that move.
 
2013-09-03 09:41:35 PM  
Fire a shot at a sound coming from the other side of the bed.
 
2013-09-03 09:41:58 PM  
Have your partner call someone and sing "You've got a friend in me"

(stolen from Phirm)
 
2013-09-03 09:42:49 PM  
Shower
 
2013-09-03 09:43:29 PM  
Twerk
 
2013-09-03 09:43:39 PM  
Say that your 10 year old is going to destroy the video tab and not deliver.
 
2013-09-03 09:44:40 PM  
The dog.
 
2013-09-03 09:44:52 PM  
her

/ that's what SHE said!
 
2013-09-03 09:44:58 PM  
Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife...

Doing your... son?
 
2013-09-03 09:45:29 PM  
Invite monkeys to jump in.
 
2013-09-03 09:45:53 PM  
I'd say "have sex with my wife",
But she puts out at least once every couple months.
So instead I'm gonna go with "go to sleep at an early hour because I'm not sexually frustrated to the point where I just can't handle the rejection and usually just watch TV and cry until 3am".
 
2013-09-03 09:45:55 PM  
fark. Why do we fark in beds, other than the convenience and laziness that entails?
 
2013-09-03 09:45:55 PM  
Eat tortilla chips
 
2013-09-03 09:46:06 PM  
Have a bonfire.
 
2013-09-03 09:46:44 PM  
Pee. Don't pee in bed. Unless you're being attacked by a bear.
 
2013-09-03 09:46:45 PM  
Don't say "Thanks for cleaning that for me". Stops everything pretty quick.

Lesson learned.
 
2013-09-03 09:47:03 PM  
Touch your boyfriend/husband with those cold ass feet, ladies
 
2013-09-03 09:47:11 PM  
"Wow, you're so good, people should pay you to do this!"

/actually said it in bed.
//Got the proper response, which was laughter.
 
2013-09-03 09:47:27 PM  
Roast nuts
 
2013-09-03 09:47:32 PM  
The Macarena.
 
2013-09-03 09:47:50 PM  
Fireworks.
Don't ask me how I know.
/thought it would be romantic.
 
2013-09-03 09:48:03 PM  
burping in her ear is worse than calling her another girl's name.

you call her another girl's name, she leaves. You belch in her ear, you'll never hear the end of it, until you call her another girl's name.
 
2013-09-03 09:48:23 PM  
Smoke Sausages
 
2013-09-03 09:48:25 PM  

libranoelrose: Touch your boyfriend/husband with those cold ass feet, ladies


pussy
 
2013-09-03 09:48:26 PM  
Reminisce about past girlfriends 'special' talents
 
2013-09-03 09:48:30 PM  
Make a green bean casserole.
 
2013-09-03 09:49:40 PM  
Skydive
 
2013-09-03 09:50:03 PM  
Well, you can do it in the bathroom, do it in your car, even do it in the alley right behind the bar.

But I don't recommend The Shocker, in bed. (NSFW lyrics)
 
2013-09-03 09:50:04 PM  
Molt.
 
2013-09-03 09:50:29 PM  
Drugs.  Not even once.
 
2013-09-03 09:50:43 PM  
Farm goats
 
2013-09-03 09:51:49 PM  
play Jenga
 
2013-09-03 09:51:52 PM  

spunkymunky: I'd say "have sex with my wife",
But she puts out at least once every couple months.
So instead I'm gonna go with "go to sleep at an early hour because I'm not sexually frustrated to the point where I just can't handle the rejection and usually just watch TV and cry until 3am".


You farking amateur. Let me know when you get to 18 months.
 
2013-09-03 09:52:29 PM  
Shave your pubes
 
2013-09-03 09:55:23 PM  
Quote movie lines. "That'll do pig that'll do."
 
2013-09-03 09:55:34 PM  
Baron Harkonnen: "Wow, you're so good, people should pay you to do this!"

/actually said it in bed.
//Got the proper response, which was laughter.


Which nephew was this?
 
2013-09-03 09:55:49 PM  
Decapitate a horse
 
2013-09-03 09:55:56 PM  
Yell "Pop goes the weasel" when starting sexy time
 
2013-09-03 09:56:14 PM  
Clip your toenails.
 
2013-09-03 09:56:26 PM  

Forsythe P. Jones: Molt.


You sick son of a biatch
 
2013-09-03 09:57:05 PM  
Lick the balls of the Pope
 
2013-09-03 09:57:11 PM  
Notch the post.Only if it is her bed post.Then its cool?
 
2013-09-03 09:57:20 PM  
Try to hit the ceiling.
 
2013-09-03 09:57:26 PM  
Pop back zits
 
2013-09-03 09:57:52 PM  
Talk about the dozens of dead and dried beta fish stapled around the headboard and stare in horror at the few live ones in multiple mason jars.
 
2013-09-03 09:57:57 PM  
Remove my glasses, thus ruining my Bootsy Collins cosplay experience.

I mean, seriously, do you know how hard it is to find hot pink, star-shaped perscription specs coated in rhinestones? Most unfunky.
 
2013-09-03 09:58:13 PM  
Blow your nose on the sheets
 
2013-09-03 09:58:55 PM  
Say "cum inside me daddy!" Seriously it's creepy. Hot, kind of, I mean I did it, but just dont
 
2013-09-03 09:59:39 PM  
Rebuild that 455 from the Cutlass
 
2013-09-03 09:59:43 PM  
Cum inside your own ass
 
2013-09-03 10:00:14 PM  
Anything that involves crazy glue
 
2013-09-03 10:00:25 PM  
Sleep.
 
2013-09-03 10:00:42 PM  
Shoot a bear in your panamas
/How he fit into them I will never know.
 
2013-09-03 10:01:11 PM  
Build an elaborate maze from finger nail and toe nail clippings and then release 100 centipedes into the maze and watch them try to escape.
 
2013-09-03 10:01:44 PM  
Clip your toenails!  They get stabby
 
2013-09-03 10:02:50 PM  

cman: Sleep with your finger in your girlfriends vagina the whole night


Lol...why? Will it bite your finger in the morning?
 
2013-09-03 10:03:28 PM  

poodebunker: cman: Sleep with your finger in your girlfriends vagina the whole night

Lol...why? Will it bite your finger in the morning?


It'll be like a Chinese finger trap when you wake up
 
2013-09-03 10:03:42 PM  
I'll take things that smell bad for $100, Alex.
 
2013-09-03 10:04:24 PM  
I don't know but my sisters says not to do her again.
 
2013-09-03 10:04:24 PM  
I don't know but my sister says not to do her again.
 
2013-09-03 10:04:58 PM  

MrHappyRotter: Pop back zits


Even if you're up to your nuts in guts going through the butt?
 
2013-09-03 10:05:03 PM  

SpookyEyes: Clip your toenails.


Darn it, beat me to it! I guess that's what the refresh button is for :/
 
2013-09-03 10:05:17 PM  

I_Am_Weasel: Shower with cardboard cut out of Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana.

In retrospect, it's probably not a good idea at any time.


Who showers in bed in the first place?
 
2013-09-03 10:05:35 PM  

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: poodebunker: cman: Sleep with your finger in your girlfriends vagina the whole night

Lol...why? Will it bite your finger in the morning?

It'll be like a Chinese finger trap when you wake up


OK, toe. A toe would still work?
 
2013-09-03 10:05:47 PM  
Talk about your 'morale building experiences' in Boy Scouts.
 
2013-09-03 10:05:59 PM  

Bathia_Mapes: Slaughter a chicken


Choking still OK?
 
2013-09-03 10:06:28 PM  
cousins
 
2013-09-03 10:07:11 PM  
Lay there when airplane parts are falling through the ceiling.
 
2013-09-03 10:07:58 PM  

PainfulItching: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: poodebunker: cman: Sleep with your finger in your girlfriends vagina the whole night

Lol...why? Will it bite your finger in the morning?

It'll be like a Chinese finger trap when you wake up

OK, toe. A toe would still work?


A toe will work, but it will come out one size smaller.
 
2013-09-03 10:08:23 PM  
Just another leisurely night of pickin' scabs
 
2013-09-03 10:08:38 PM  
Chat with an ex on Facebook
 
2013-09-03 10:08:49 PM  
Seriously, nobody said "rape" yet?  Because that's a valid answer.  "Don't rape in bed."
 
2013-09-03 10:09:17 PM  
Build a huge scale model of the Devil's Tower.
 
2013-09-03 10:10:09 PM  
Yell out "Now YOU have herpes!"
 
2013-09-03 10:10:25 PM  
"Oh NOW I remember what it was called: The clap. That a problem for you?"
 
2013-09-03 10:10:29 PM  

revrendjim: Bathia_Mapes: Slaughter a chicken

Choking still OK?


It's worked for BSU
 
2013-09-03 10:10:29 PM  
"They're just skin tags, I swear!"
 
2013-09-03 10:10:31 PM  

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: poodebunker: cman: Sleep with your finger in your girlfriends vagina the whole night

Lol...why? Will it bite your finger in the morning?

It'll be like a Chinese finger trap when you wake up


Roflmao!!!!
 
2013-09-03 10:10:55 PM  
I'm surprised no one has said "neighbors children" yet
 
2013-09-03 10:10:59 PM  
Poop.
 
2013-09-03 10:11:05 PM  
Break out the briefcase, a portrait of George Washington, and a heavy-duty 12-volt power supply.
 
2013-09-03 10:11:37 PM  
vote republican
 
2013-09-03 10:12:21 PM  
Sext their mom from their phone.
 
2013-09-03 10:12:23 PM  
Sing Bob and Tom's "Cleveland Steamer" song.
 
2013-09-03 10:13:04 PM  
Fall asleep with Courtney Love.
 
2013-09-03 10:13:26 PM  

ekdikeo4: Surprise buttsex


No, it's should NOT do.
 
2013-09-03 10:13:32 PM  

Purelilac: Eat crackers.


This!  My ex-gf called me once after she spent the night, ( was still GF at the time) said she was eating crackers in my bed after I said no food in the bedroom.   Points to ex-gf as part of the reason why we did not last.
 
2013-09-03 10:13:43 PM  
Back in the 90's I bought a few of those condoms from the mens room at the bar.
A novelty item.It would show green in the dark where yor D*ck had been.or where she grabbed it and wiped it on the sheets..It looked like a crime scene..It was her bed..
Yeah...don't do this.
 
2013-09-03 10:14:04 PM  

shifty lookin bleeder: cousins


I'll tell you this is bullshiat.  I did cousins in bed and it was the most erotic experience of my life.

That is, they weren't my cousins.  They were cousins to each other.  Red-headed female teenagers.
 
2013-09-03 10:14:53 PM  
Get drunk and fall asleep eating a hoagie in your waterbed, and have the unfinished 8 inches of the sandwich fall in between the mattress and the liner, and mummify for a year or two, until it is re-discovered by a bridesmaid that you took home after a buddy's wedding?
 
2013-09-03 10:15:07 PM  

frostus: ekdikeo4: Surprise buttsex

No, it's should NOT do.


Look, once she's facedown  and the handcuffs and ballgag are on nice and tight, nothing that happens should be a surprise.
 
2013-09-03 10:15:40 PM  
"Look! Look! I can totally do the triple backward flip!"
 
2013-09-03 10:16:01 PM  

Wireless Joe: Seriously, nobody said "rape" yet?  Because that's a valid answer.  "Don't rape in bed."


Ya know some of us aren't just back alley or wooded area rapists.  We prefer the comfort of our own room or rape dungeon.  It doesnt take a ton of effort to show a little bit of class.
 
2013-09-03 10:16:07 PM  
Use the term 'minge'. Often.
 
2013-09-03 10:16:21 PM  
Herd alpacas.
 
2013-09-03 10:16:47 PM  

Molavian: shifty lookin bleeder: cousins

I'll tell you this is bullshiat.  I did cousins in bed and it was the most erotic experience of my life.

That is, they weren't my cousins.  They were cousins to each other.  Red-headed female teenagers.


I did my cousin once. Found later we were only cousins by marriage so it doesn't seem as hot anymore, but still. Hyooooge tits.
 
2013-09-03 10:18:34 PM  

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: Molavian: shifty lookin bleeder: cousins

I'll tell you this is bullshiat.  I did cousins in bed and it was the most erotic experience of my life.

That is, they weren't my cousins.  They were cousins to each other.  Red-headed female teenagers.

I did my cousin once. Found later we were only cousins by marriage so it doesn't seem as hot anymore, but still. Hyooooge tits.


Well, that's ok.  Nothing wrong with that.
 
2013-09-03 10:18:57 PM  

Banned on the Run: Herd alpacas.


Herding alpacas should totally be a euphemism.
 
2013-09-03 10:19:25 PM  
i1.ytimg.com
 
2013-09-03 10:19:36 PM  

JameZZ82: I'm surprised no one has said "neighbors children" yet


Why do you think I have a bed in the first place?
 
2013-09-03 10:19:57 PM  
Offer free candy to little children
 
2013-09-03 10:20:00 PM  
Twenty three year olds
 
2013-09-03 10:21:08 PM  
Play loud music late at night.  Seriously, you have neighbors, and that goodbye horses song is creepy.
 
2013-09-03 10:21:24 PM  
 
2013-09-03 10:21:38 PM  
Drink red wine. Regardless if a bowling ball is dropped or not.
 
2013-09-03 10:22:04 PM  
Why has nobody said "Stick your dick in crazy!"?
 
2013-09-03 10:22:37 PM  
Falsify your taxes.
 
2013-09-03 10:24:16 PM  

Molavian: shifty lookin bleeder: cousins

I'll tell you this is bullshiat.  I did cousins in bed and it was the most erotic experience of my life.

That is, they weren't my cousins.  They were cousins to each other.  Red-headed female teenagers.


Go on...
 
2013-09-03 10:24:19 PM  
Have sex with crazy friends:  We were friends for years, she got drunk at a bar and we went to my house.   She came onto me and she initiated sex.
Once we were done she squatted and pissed the bed.
The whole time I am watching in slow motion ...wut ... oh.. a performance..!......  wait ... oh fark... noo...noooo..WTFOMG...dammit.....
 
2013-09-03 10:26:23 PM  
Pray the gay away
 
2013-09-03 10:26:42 PM  

rev. dave: Have sex with crazy friends:  We were friends for years, she got drunk at a bar and we went to my house.   She came onto me and she initiated sex.
Once we were done she squatted and pissed the bed.
The whole time I am watching in slow motion ...wut ... oh.. a performance..!......  wait ... oh fark... noo...noooo..WTFOMG...dammit.....


Can... can I get her #?
 
2013-09-03 10:28:14 PM  

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: rev. dave: Have sex with crazy friends:  We were friends for years, she got drunk at a bar and we went to my house.   She came onto me and she initiated sex.
Once we were done she squatted and pissed the bed.
The whole time I am watching in slow motion ...wut ... oh.. a performance..!......  wait ... oh fark... noo...noooo..WTFOMG...dammit.....

Can... can I get her #?


Number 1.

/thank you! I'm here all week!
 
2013-09-03 10:28:14 PM  
Puke your boyfriends sperm in his face and yell "Surprise! Reverse facial!"
 
2013-09-03 10:28:24 PM  
 
2013-09-03 10:28:31 PM  
Say in your best Liberace voice "I wish my brother George was here"
 
2013-09-03 10:28:33 PM  
Nancy Grace
 
2013-09-03 10:29:02 PM  

MrHappyRotter: Twenty three year olds


36/2+5=23.  Twenty three year olds are ok.
 
2013-09-03 10:29:45 PM  

Sensei Can You See: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: rev. dave: Have sex with crazy friends:  We were friends for years, she got drunk at a bar and we went to my house.   She came onto me and she initiated sex.
Once we were done she squatted and pissed the bed.
The whole time I am watching in slow motion ...wut ... oh.. a performance..!......  wait ... oh fark... noo...noooo..WTFOMG...dammit.....

Can... can I get her #?

Number 1.

/thank you! I'm here all week!


I would say try the veal, but I think rev. dave already tried it...
 
2013-09-03 10:29:46 PM  
This thread should have been a Photoshop!
 
2013-09-03 10:31:11 PM  

Smeggy Smurf: MrHappyRotter: Twenty three year olds

36/2+5=23.  Twenty three year olds are ok.


But there's twenty of them.

That's like...an entire day care and would take forever.
 
2013-09-03 10:32:18 PM  
Mom?
 
2013-09-03 10:33:57 PM  

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: Sensei Can You See: Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: rev. dave: Have sex with crazy friends:  We were friends for years, she got drunk at a bar and we went to my house.   She came onto me and she initiated sex.
Once we were done she squatted and pissed the bed.
The whole time I am watching in slow motion ...wut ... oh.. a performance..!......  wait ... oh fark... noo...noooo..WTFOMG...dammit.....

Can... can I get her #?

Number 1.

/thank you! I'm here all week!

I would say try the veal, but I think rev. dave already tried it...


Sadly, we are no longer friends, reasons I don't understand.
It happened after this,  I kept wanting a second and third round since I am turned on by crazy.
Some point of me knew that the next time it would not end so well.
 
2013-09-03 10:34:03 PM  
"Trust me, the points don't matter..."
 
2013-09-03 10:34:13 PM  

pissedoffmick: libranoelrose: Touch your boyfriend/husband with those cold ass feet, ladies

pussy


No, that's usually pretty warm.

/If you're doing it right
 
2013-09-03 10:35:09 PM  

msupf: Wipe a shart


No! You have to wipe and wash after a shart. It is just common decency.
 
2013-09-03 10:35:28 PM  
I imagine that attempting a jigsaw puzzle would be an exercise in frustration.
 
2013-09-03 10:36:50 PM  

ericpbert: This thread should have been a Photoshop!


i.imgur.com
 
2013-09-03 10:38:05 PM  
Use an icepack to freeze your hands, then touch the clitoris.

It hurts the jaw.
 
2013-09-03 10:40:49 PM  

Smeggy Smurf: MrHappyRotter: Twenty three year olds

36/2+5=23.  Twenty three year olds are ok.


See, I thought it was half your age plus 7 years, not 5 years. But what do I know?
That would still make mine a 33. And I would take a 33 any day.
 
2013-09-03 10:42:42 PM  

Lonestar: Use an icepack to freeze your hands, then touch the clitoris.

It hurts the jaw.


So don't let her punch you out then...
 
2013-09-03 10:45:28 PM  
Chew through the straps.
 
2013-09-03 10:45:46 PM  
Cut your toe nails.
 
2013-09-03 10:45:57 PM  

Sensei Can You See: frostus: ekdikeo4: Surprise buttsex

No, it's should NOT do.

Look, once she's facedown  and the handcuffs and ballgag are on nice and tight, nothing that happens should be a surprise.


And that's why you don't take the toys out until well after the surprise has been sprung.
 
2013-09-03 10:47:54 PM  

Dellirium: Molavian: shifty lookin bleeder: cousins

I'll tell you this is bullshiat.  I did cousins in bed and it was the most erotic experience of my life.

That is, they weren't my cousins.  They were cousins to each other.  Red-headed female teenagers.

Go on...


It started with drinking, and morphed into a game of strip poker.  I was a 28-year-old college freshman, and was dating the taller one.  She was 18 and a freshman at UW Oshkosh, model thin and tall, taller by me by more than 6 inches.
 
2013-09-03 10:49:29 PM  
Sharpen your chainsaw.
 
2013-09-03 10:49:52 PM  

Dellirium: Smeggy Smurf: MrHappyRotter: Twenty three year olds

36/2+5=23.  Twenty three year olds are ok.

See, I thought it was half your age plus 7 years, not 5 years. But what do I know?
That would still make mine a 33. And I would take a 33 any day.


For you it's 7 years.  For me and my van it's 5.
 
2013-09-03 10:51:46 PM  
Forget to Febreeze your sex furniture
 
2013-09-03 10:54:17 PM  

cman: Sleep with your finger in your girlfriends vagina the whole night


How is that something NOT to do?
 
2013-09-03 10:54:50 PM  
F5F5F5
 
2013-09-03 10:59:58 PM  
 
2013-09-03 11:01:11 PM  
Giggle at Fark comments while getting a blowie
 
2013-09-03 11:03:30 PM  
forget the safe word.

"fluggaenkdechioebolsen"
 
2013-09-03 11:04:10 PM  

rev. dave: This! My ex-gf called me once after she spent the night, ( was still GF at the time) said she was eating crackers in my bed after I said no food in the bedroom. Points to ex-gf as part of the reason why we did not last.


So you're saying she's used to crumbs in bed?
 
2013-09-03 11:06:24 PM  
forget a wipe.
 
2013-09-03 11:06:28 PM  
Twist a testicle during sex in bed and call a nurse at the ER to get advice.

Or

Call 911 while having sex because a bat is flying around the room and you don't want to get rabies.

Or

Get high without your partner partaking, then getting asked questions when you are so high, you forget how to lie.
 
2013-09-03 11:10:11 PM  
Good idea: Breakfast in bed
Bad idea: including a waffle bar and omelet station.
 
2013-09-03 11:10:49 PM  
Start going on about my moms custard pie. My god the look. I will never live that down.
 
2013-09-03 11:17:12 PM  
Have sex every time, there are so many more interesting places to do it. I can't believe how many people have whitebread sex lives where it's always in bed with the lights off.
 
2013-09-03 11:17:50 PM  

TommyDeuce: pissedoffmick: libranoelrose: Touch your boyfriend/husband with those cold ass feet, ladies

pussy

No, that's usually pretty warm.

/If you're doing it right


Avoid corpses is what I get from this
 
2013-09-03 11:18:42 PM  
Arc welding.
 
2013-09-03 11:18:52 PM  

robodog: Have sex every time, there are so many more interesting places to do it. I can't believe how many people have whitebread sex lives where it's always in bed with the lights off.


Sometimes we use whole wheat and use a night light.
 
2013-09-03 11:19:50 PM  

robodog: Have sex every time, there are so many more interesting places to do it. I can't believe how many people have whitebread sex lives where it's always in bed with the lights off.


If you need to find different locations in order to avoid a "white bread sex life"... Well, lets just say good for you :)
 
2013-09-03 11:22:32 PM  
Have the pastor over for drinks.
 
2013-09-03 11:23:05 PM  

macsavageg4: Arc welding.


I disagree.
 
2013-09-03 11:23:37 PM  
Do body shots off of the pastor.
 
2013-09-03 11:23:59 PM  

TinyFist: Do body shots off of the pastor.


I disagree with this, too.
 
2013-09-03 11:25:12 PM  
Use an arc welder while doing body shots off of the pastor.
 
2013-09-03 11:27:39 PM  
Open a fortune cookie.
 
2013-09-03 11:27:45 PM  

megarian: macsavageg4: Arc welding.

I disagree.


MIG and TIG are okay. Too much slag with arc welding.

/British slang joke goes here.
 
2013-09-03 11:27:48 PM  
Point out that the Dalai Lama is not really a big hitter.

Oh, I thought this was Things You Should Never Do In Tibet. Nevermind.
 
2013-09-03 11:28:05 PM  

TinyFist: Use an arc welder while doing body shots off of the pastor.


I'll be in my bunk.
 
2013-09-03 11:28:30 PM  

cyberspacedout: Open a fortune cookie.


In bed.
 
2013-09-03 11:29:08 PM  

Mr. Ekshun: megarian: macsavageg4: Arc welding.

I disagree.

MIG and TIG are okay. Too much slag with arc welding.

/British slang joke goes here.


It depends on the bed, I guess.
 
2013-09-03 11:30:07 PM  
Blumpkins.....
 
2013-09-03 11:30:50 PM  

robodog: Have sex every time, there are so many more interesting places to do it. I can't believe how many people have whitebread sex lives where it's always in bed with the lights off.


Hey, it's usually in the shower for me.

//But only if masturbation counts...
 
2013-09-03 11:32:53 PM  
It's usually in the white bread for me.

//But only if masturbation counts...
 
2013-09-03 11:35:06 PM  

cyberspacedout: Open a fortune cookie.



i63.photobucket.com
 
2013-09-03 11:36:05 PM  

megarian: Mr. Ekshun: megarian: macsavageg4: Arc welding.

I disagree.

MIG and TIG are okay. Too much slag with arc welding.

/British slang joke goes here.

It depends on the bed, I guess.


Depends on the bed? I like the way you party.

/Oldsex.jpg
 
2013-09-03 11:36:52 PM  
Yell "I'm king Sh*t of F*ck Island."
 
2013-09-03 11:36:55 PM  

TinyFist: Use an arc welder while doing body shots off of the pastor.


Ding Ding Ding.... we have a winner!
 
2013-09-03 11:41:30 PM  

megarian: Yell "I'm king Sh*t of F*ck Island."


But what if I am.
 
2013-09-03 11:41:48 PM  
I was with this girl.She had a bed that was four feet off the floor.Alcohol was involved.
It was about to get going when i asked her to roll over..Well.. she rolled over.Right off
the bed,Four foot drop.She popped up like Chevy Chase...Live from New York its Saturday night..I pulled an ovary after that drop..what a trooper.

Yeah.Dont do this in bed.
 
2013-09-03 11:43:31 PM  
Fark the cat.
 
2013-09-03 11:43:58 PM  

frostus: megarian: Yell "I'm king Sh*t of F*ck Island."

But what if I am.


I'm going to have to see some ID.

Also something you don't do in bed; "License, registration, and proof of insurance."
 
2013-09-03 11:45:38 PM  
And Oh yes.That mirror above your bed that sez 'Things are larger than they appear'
Be careful when you enhance that.
 
2013-09-03 11:46:02 PM  

megarian: frostus: megarian: Yell "I'm king Sh*t of F*ck Island."

But what if I am.

I'm going to have to see some ID.


Well that isn't going to work. The DMV wouldn't accept that as my real name.
 
2013-09-03 11:53:02 PM  

megarian: Yell "I'm king Sh*t of F*ck Island."


Better than "King F*ck of Sh*t Island."
 
2013-09-03 11:56:08 PM  

Molavian: megarian: Yell "I'm king Sh*t of F*ck Island."

Better than "King F*ck of Sh*t Island."


Better than Sh*t King of F*ck Island?
 
2013-09-04 12:00:06 AM  

TinyFist: forget the safe word.

"fluggaenkdechioebolsen"


No, no, no! It's FLÜGGÅƎNKƋEČHIŒBØLSȆN!
 
2013-09-04 12:01:24 AM  
UFsIA (My guy is okay with one finger, but two fingers in and he accused me of trying to turn him teh ghey.)

Oh, and don't suddenly rip a loud fart when your cat is walking across your back in bed. Thought I was gonna need stitches.
 
2013-09-04 12:03:32 AM  

megarian: Molavian: megarian: Yell "I'm king Sh*t of F*ck Island."

Better than "King F*ck of Sh*t Island."

Better than Sh*t King of F*ck Island?


It would seem some missed the newsletter
 
2013-09-04 12:03:44 AM  

PsychoLaurie: UFsIA (My guy is okay with one finger, but two fingers in and he accused me of trying to turn him teh ghey.)

Oh, and don't suddenly rip a loud fart when your cat is walking across your back in bed. Thought I was gonna need stitches.


I laffed^
 
2013-09-04 12:04:31 AM  

libranoelrose: megarian: Molavian: megarian: Yell "I'm king Sh*t of F*ck Island."

Better than "King F*ck of Sh*t Island."

Better than Sh*t King of F*ck Island?

It would seem some missed the newsletter


Yeah...that's probably a good thing.
 
2013-09-04 12:05:33 AM  

W.C.fields forever: I was with this girl.She had a bed that was four feet off the floor.Alcohol was involved.
It was about to get going when i asked her to roll over..Well.. she rolled over.Right off
the bed,Four foot drop.She popped up like Chevy Chase...Live from New York its Saturday night..I pulled an ovary after that drop..what a trooper.

Yeah.Dont do this in bed.


Being drunk keeps you from tensing up during a fall.
 
2013-09-04 12:08:43 AM  

WelldeadLink: Read fortune cookies.


Thread over. All the internets. Someone catch the light on the way out.
 
2013-09-04 12:13:09 AM  
UsikFark:

Being drunk keeps you from tensing up during a fall.

And from accusing your GF of trying to turn you gay when she UsecondFIA's you.
 
2013-09-04 12:14:37 AM  
Poop
 
2013-09-04 12:16:39 AM  

failfaster: TinyFist: Use an arc welder while doing body shots off of the pastor.

Ding Ding Ding.... we have a winner!


Arc weld body shots to the pastor.
 
2013-09-04 12:21:36 AM  
Sensei Can You See:

Arc weld body shots to the pastor.

That's a man of God. Let's not go getting all blasphemous. Show some decorum. Geez.
 
2013-09-04 12:25:04 AM  

TinyFist: Sensei Can You See:

Arc weld body shots to the pastor.

That's a man of God. Let's not go getting all blasphemous. Show some decorum. Geez.


Okay; we'll blindfold him first and the shots will be Manischewitz.
 
2013-09-04 12:26:12 AM  
"Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?
 
2013-09-04 12:33:08 AM  

TinyFist: UsikFark:

Being drunk keeps you from tensing up during a fall.

And from accusing your GF of trying to turn you gay when she UsecondFIA's you.


It's not gay unless she sticks in her dick.
 
2013-09-04 12:37:13 AM  
UsikFark:

It's not gay unless she sticks in her dick.

It's still not gay, as long as it's her dick. Who hasn't had this conversation with their....

wait....
 
2013-09-04 12:47:38 AM  

TheShavingofOccam123: Point out that the Dalai Lama is not really a big hitter.

Oh, I thought this was Things You Should Never Do In Tibet. Nevermind.


You would think that his being a good bunt/sacrifice play man would take up the slack, but no. He consistently gets more RBIs per season than Jesus and Mo', but everyone wants their big name player to hit the long ball like Big Papi.
 
2013-09-04 01:01:17 AM  
Wonder if grandma would be proud of you.
 
2013-09-04 01:25:02 AM  

MrHappyRotter: Drugs.  Not even once.

 
2013-09-04 01:29:36 AM  
well that didn't work. I was trying to post this
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2l38qEHcM1qztmclo1_400.gif
 
2013-09-04 01:59:25 AM  

Mr. Ekshun: megarian: macsavageg4: Arc welding.

I disagree.

MIG and TIG are okay. Too much slag with arc welding.

/British slang joke goes here.


Even MIG throws a lot of slag. Stick with TIG; it's even cleaner than crackers.
 
2013-09-04 02:06:24 AM  

TwowheelinTim:  it's even cleaner than crackers.


Don't be racist.
 
2013-09-04 02:12:30 AM  
Well, there was this time back in the mid eighties. I was on the bed behind this kinda chunky chick give her some doggie style lovin' when the urge to moo like a cow struck me. So I did. And then she did. (struck me, not mooed)

/alcohol was involved
//and a certain Columbian powder
///good times at the studio in San Antone
 
2013-09-04 02:18:36 AM  
Disassemble her laptop blindfolded while eating tacos, quoting the French Taunter, and tiring yourself in Shibari knots with your toes.

It did not end well.
 
2013-09-04 02:31:27 AM  
"The Bucking Bronco"

I'm pretty sure I learned it from Fark... While you're doing her from behind, simply call out the name of her sister (or best friend). Then hang on for dear life!
 
2013-09-04 02:58:41 AM  
You can lie in bed
You can lay in bed
You can die in bed
You can pray in bed
You can live in bed
You can laugh in bed
You can give your heart
Or break your heart in half in bed

You can tease in bed
You can please in bed
You can squeeze in bed
You can freeze in bed
You can sneeze in bed
Catch the fleas in bed
All of these
Plus eat crackers and cheese in bed

You can eat in bed
You can beat in bed
Be in heat in bed
Have a treat in bed
You can rock in bed
You can roll in bed
Find your cock in bed
Lose your soul in bed

You can lose in bed
You can win in bed
But never never never never
Never never never never
Never never never
Never can you sin in bed!
 
2013-09-04 03:56:06 AM  
The one.. two TWO things I will never do in bed (again):

1. Fell asleep half drunk in a strange waterbed, woke up when I heard a noise. Opened my eyes and there was a face inches away staring at me.  Whew! Went from horizontal in the bed to vertical in the bathroom in like .2 seconds then realized I was looking at myself in the headboard mirror.

2. I rented a room in college, was studying/reading in my waterbed when I heard this frigging mouse run back and forth multiple times across the drop ceiling tiles above me. I got the brilliant idea to scare him, so I grabbed the nerf ball that was on my headboard and chucked it at the tile directly over me when I heard the mouse scamper that way. Tile went up, mouse came down; landed right on my chest and zoomed under the sheet - straight between my thighs.

The waterbed sheets were stitched closed at the bottom. Believe I lost a good ten years off my life and quite possibly violated the rules of physics getting out of bed.
 
2013-09-04 04:58:53 AM  

TwowheelinTim: Mr. Ekshun: megarian: macsavageg4: Arc welding.

I disagree.

MIG and TIG are okay. Too much slag with arc welding.

/British slang joke goes here.

Even MIG throws a lot of slag. Stick with TIG; it's even cleaner than crackers.


Huh, my MIG welder doesn't produce too much slag (though spatter with flux core is another story). Might have something to do with my cover gas - a friend came up with a 330cf argon bottle and I just use that for everything rather than coming up with some 80/20 for steel and switching back and forth. And now I'm irrelevantly reminded of how much fun O-A welding is. Someday I'll come up with a TIG machine, but it won't be today and it probably won't be tomorrow either.
 
2013-09-04 07:38:22 AM  

Sensei Can You See: I_Am_Weasel: Shower with cardboard cut out of Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana.

In retrospect, it's probably not a good idea at any time.

Who showers in bed in the first place?


It's not a good thing to do in bed in the first place, but that didn't seem enough reason.
 
2013-09-04 09:10:55 AM  

I_Am_Weasel: Shower with cardboard cut out of Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana.

In retrospect, it's probably not a good idea at any time.


Probably would ruin the cardboard, so I see your point.
 
2013-09-04 09:26:57 AM  
Red heads.  Trust me.
 
2013-09-04 10:23:01 AM  
farm5.staticflickr.com
 
2013-09-04 11:18:00 AM  

jayphat: spunkymunky: I'd say "have sex with my wife",
But she puts out at least once every couple months.
So instead I'm gonna go with "go to sleep at an early hour because I'm not sexually frustrated to the point where I just can't handle the rejection and usually just watch TV and cry until 3am".

You farking amateur. Let me know when you get to 18 months.


We went almost a year once. Lots of stress on both sides + my insomnia + kid issues out the wazoo didn't
leave much time, energy or inclination for sexytime. Sigh...

It tends to be feast or famine in the digitalrain household.
 
2013-09-04 03:32:15 PM  
use Ben Gay instead of KY...

don't ask.

{{ SHUDDER }}
 
2013-09-04 04:46:23 PM  

digitalrain: jayphat: spunkymunky: I'd say "have sex with my wife",
But she puts out at least once every couple months.
So instead I'm gonna go with "go to sleep at an early hour because I'm not sexually frustrated to the point where I just can't handle the rejection and usually just watch TV and cry until 3am".

You farking amateur. Let me know when you get to 18 months.

We went almost a year once. Lots of stress on both sides + my insomnia + kid issues out the wazoo didn't
leave much time, energy or inclination for sexytime. Sigh...

It tends to be feast or famine in the digitalrain household.


That sucks. Luckily we've never had a dry spell longer than a couple weeks. Despite four kids and all the hassles of daily life, we always manage to squeeze in a "nap" somewhere.
 
2013-09-04 05:18:27 PM  
Start a lawn mower.
 
2013-09-04 07:17:05 PM  

boyvoyeur: Start a lawn mower.


But the leaf blower is okay, right?  How else are you going to get the saltine debris, welding slag and toenail clippings cleaned off?
 
2013-09-04 08:39:42 PM  
Play hopscotch
 
2013-09-04 09:12:53 PM  

ununcle: Start going on about my moms custard pie. My god the look. I will never live that down.


We've all had a taste of your mom's custard pie (nudge nudge).  It was great!
 
2013-09-04 09:56:51 PM  

Bathia_Mapes: Play hopscotch


There must be some truth behind this one.

I'm almost embarrassed to admit I spent about 10 minutes of my life I'll never get back searching every channel I could think of to find some pic of bedding, comforters, sheets, etc. with a hopscotch pattern on it to counter your point.

I failed.

*sigh*

I should really find more productive things to occupy my time.
 
2013-09-05 12:52:11 AM  

megarian: frostus: megarian: Yell "I'm king Sh*t of F*ck Island."

But what if I am.

I'm going to have to see some ID.

Also something you don't do in bed; "License, registration, and proof of insurance."


If you're wearing that sexy policewoman outfit, I damn well expect you to ask that.  And then I expect to be arrested.
 
2013-09-05 12:54:27 AM  

TinyFist: Bathia_Mapes: Play hopscotch

There must be some truth behind this one.

I'm almost embarrassed to admit I spent about 10 minutes of my life I'll never get back searching every channel I could think of to find some pic of bedding, comforters, sheets, etc. with a hopscotch pattern on it to counter your point.

I failed.

*sigh*

I should really find more productive things to occupy my time.


Here's an alternative.

www.everyonedoesit.com
 
2013-09-05 04:23:31 AM  

TinyFist: Bathia_Mapes: Play hopscotch

There must be some truth behind this one.

I'm almost embarrassed to admit I spent about 10 minutes of my life I'll never get back searching every channel I could think of to find some pic of bedding, comforters, sheets, etc. with a hopscotch pattern on it to counter your point.

I failed.

*sigh*

I should really find more productive things to occupy my time.


Plain white sheet and some permanent markers plus hopscotch patterns you found online & you're good to go.

However, I'm absolved of all liability when you fall off your bed & hurt yourself. :-D
 
2013-09-05 10:16:36 AM  
I just broke my ankle playing twister on my bed.

Someone's getting sued.

/should have put a disclamer,  OgreMagi
//lawyers will be in touch
///my ankle hurts
 
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