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(Daily Mail)   Really? The best one-liners? No respect. No respect, I tells ya   (dailymail.co.uk ) divider line
    More: Sad, Renaissance, Rowan Atkinson, Tommy Cooper, sports days, Peter Kay, In the Name of the King, North West, Steve Martin  
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16850 clicks; posted to Main » on 30 Aug 2013 at 2:54 PM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



261 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-08-30 12:01:02 PM  
Mitch Hedburg blows all of those lame-ass ones away:

I got an ant farm... them fellas didn't grow shiat!

I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I got a business card, cause I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner."

I had a paper route when I was a kid, I was a paper boy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or 2 dumpsters!

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. It's like, "dude, you have to wait."

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right? "Prices and participation may vary." I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets!

I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said fark that, I'll just get a tan instead.

I like the FedEx driver, because he's a drug dealer, and he don't even know it.

/and the list goes on and on...
 
2013-08-30 12:19:02 PM  

oh_please: Mitch Hedburg blows all of those lame-ass ones away:


I always liked: escalators don't break, they just become stairs.

Also, I'm gonna need some explanations for a couple of these. What does the winning joke even mean?

"I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs." There's got to be some slang double entendre there, right?

"Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant." Don't get it.
 
2013-08-30 12:21:40 PM  

nmrsnr: "I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs." There's got to be some slang double entendre there, right?


I hope so. I don't get it at all. Maybe some Limey can enlighten us.
 
2013-08-30 12:29:04 PM  
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs

That's funny?I'm with  oh_please, Mitch Hedburg was waaaay funnier.
 
2013-08-30 12:47:41 PM  
I travel a lot, so I rent a lot of cars. Cars are different, man - like one time, I drove around for 5 miles with the emergency brake on. Doesn't say much for me as a driver, but it really doesn't say much for the emergency brake. Less of an "emergency brake", and more of a "make-the-car-smell-funny lever".
 
2013-08-30 01:36:36 PM  

nmrsnr: "Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant." Don't get it.


TVs used to get their reception from signals beamed through the air.  People would often put aerial antennae on their roofs for better reception.  Ba-dum-tshh.

These were absolutely atrocious.  I read through all 50 waiting for one to be funny.  49 were unfunny, and one was a Scottish joke about "ac ne" that I didn't understand.

Also, this guy is setting off my gaydar:

i.dailymail.co.uk

Definitely a lesbian.
 
2013-08-30 01:52:43 PM  

MrBallou: nmrsnr: "I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs." There's got to be some slang double entendre there, right?

I hope so. I don't get it at all. Maybe some Limey can enlighten us.


It's possible she claimed she was dead to avoid a date with him. I'm having a hard time laughing at that, but I'm not British. So I could be completely wrong as well. But the British don't seem to be in a mood to help, so just like when we liberated France us Americans have to jump in and at least try the best we can.
 
2013-08-30 01:54:28 PM  

Three Crooked Squirrels: TVs used to get their reception from signals beamed through the air.  People would often put aerial antennae on their roofs for better reception.  Ba-dum-tshh.


I have never head of antennae being referred to as aerials.

Dr Dreidel: I travel a lot, so I rent a lot of cars. Cars are different, man - like one time, I drove around for 5 miles with the emergency brake on. Doesn't say much for me as a driver, but it really doesn't say much for the emergency brake. Less of an "emergency brake", and more of a "make-the-car-smell-funny lever".


Did you see one of his last shows when he came to the University of Maryland like a week before he died? I missed it and to this day it's one of my biggest regrets.

Also: I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.

My apartment is infested with koala bears, it's the cutest infestation ever. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter and I don't want them to, I'm like "hold on, let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf."
 
2013-08-30 02:03:12 PM  

Three Crooked Squirrels: Also, this guy is setting off my gaydar:

Definitely a lesbian. Pat.


*Perhaps* a Terry or Sam.
Difficult to tell.
 
2013-08-30 02:05:09 PM  

rumpelstiltskin: MrBallou: nmrsnr: "I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs." There's got to be some slang double entendre there, right?

I hope so. I don't get it at all. Maybe some Limey can enlighten us.

It's possible she claimed she was dead to avoid a date with him. I'm having a hard time laughing at that, but I'm not British. So I could be completely wrong as well. But the British don't seem to be in a mood to help, so just like when we liberated France us Americans have to jump in and at least try the best we can.


I was unfamiliar with the phrase and it never occurred to me to Google it.

Now I get the joke but it's a contrived B-grade pun at best. Hardly best-joke-ever material.
 
2013-08-30 02:07:20 PM  
I guess you have to be British. :|

Does anyone else want to slap the shiat out of Russell Brand?
 
2013-08-30 02:12:26 PM  

nmrsnr: Three Crooked Squirrels: TVs used to get their reception from signals beamed through the air.  People would often put aerial antennae on their roofs for better reception.  Ba-dum-tshh.

I have never head of antennae being referred to as aerials.

Dr Dreidel: I travel a lot, so I rent a lot of cars. Cars are different, man - like one time, I drove around for 5 miles with the emergency brake on. Doesn't say much for me as a driver, but it really doesn't say much for the emergency brake. Less of an "emergency brake", and more of a "make-the-car-smell-funny lever".

Did you see one of his last shows when he came to the University of Maryland like a week before he died? I missed it and to this day it's one of my biggest regrets.


It's funny - I can't actually remember. On the one hand, I definitely remember feeling regret when I heard he died, but I also clearly recall seeing him.

// I used to do drugs
// I mean, I still do, but I used to also
 
2013-08-30 02:13:06 PM  

elvisaintdead: *Perhaps* a Terry or Sam.


She wouldn't have a Willy or a Sam (no Sam).

Also, list fails without Groucho: I woke up one morning and shot an Elephant in my pajamas, what it was doing in my pajamas I'll never know.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend, inside of a dog it's too hard to read.

When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.
 
2013-08-30 02:15:39 PM  
Sure she was hooker, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

- George Carlin
 
2013-08-30 02:19:03 PM  
Steven Wright beats them all.
 
2013-08-30 02:35:10 PM  

Mugato: Steven Wright beats them all.


This!
 
2013-08-30 02:57:16 PM  

Mugato: Steven Wright beats them all.


Whoever said "It's a small world" didn't have to paint it.

One of my favorite jokes of all time.
 
2013-08-30 03:00:20 PM  
Anyone want to explain "popped her clogs" to me?
 
2013-08-30 03:00:44 PM  
Is it still a one-liner if it requires another line from someone as a setup?  If so, my favourite:

Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here? 
Frank Drebin: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith
 
2013-08-30 03:01:00 PM  
What do you call a zebra?  I honky donkey ~ George Jefferson
 
2013-08-30 03:02:52 PM  
#4:  I've heard that joke word-for-word from Steven Wright.  So, did Peter Kay steal this joke from Steven Wright, or did Steven Wright steal it from Peter Kay?
 
2013-08-30 03:03:19 PM  

oh_please: Mitch Hedburg blows all of those lame-ass ones away:


Man asks me if I want a frozen banana & I said 'no'.  But I do want a regular banana later, so I said 'yes'
 
2013-08-30 03:03:20 PM  
I pretty sure Steven Wright did #4 first.
 
2013-08-30 03:03:41 PM  

4. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance - Peter Kay


Isn't this one generally attributed to Steven Wright?
 
2013-08-30 03:04:14 PM  
I got one! "I support 3 wives and 6 kids, you don't think that's Bigamy?"
 
2013-08-30 03:04:28 PM  

oh_please: Mitch Hedburg blows all of those lame-ass ones away:



Thread over
 
2013-08-30 03:04:29 PM  
British humour.  Move along.
 
2013-08-30 03:05:09 PM  

oh_please: I had a paper route when I was a kid, I was a paper boy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or 2 dumpsters!


bowwowblogger.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-08-30 03:05:25 PM  

OldManDownDRoad: Mugato: Steven Wright beats them all.

Whoever said "It's a small world" didn't have to paint it.

One of my favorite jokes of all time.


The problem with the gene pool is there's no life guard.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums

I lurve me some Steven Wright.


The one liners in the Fail....no.
 
2013-08-30 03:06:27 PM  

vudukungfu: Anyone want to explain "popped her clogs" to me?


I had to googlize it.

Basically, it means you died.
 
2013-08-30 03:06:40 PM  

vudukungfu


Anyone want to explain "popped her clogs" to me?


It's British slang for "died".

Dutch people stereotypically wear clogs. In the joke, the clogs were inflatable; the punchline means a) her shoes no longer hold air and b) that she died.
 
2013-08-30 03:06:40 PM  

Dragonflew: Is it still a one-liner if it requires another line from someone as a setup?  If so, my favourite:

Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here? 
Frank Drebin: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith


Mightor: State your first name, your last name, and your occupation.
Lizardman: Lizardman, Lizardman, and Lizardman.
 
2013-08-30 03:07:04 PM  

OldManDownDRoad: Mugato: Steven Wright beats them all.

Whoever said "It's a small world" didn't have to paint it.


I got a microwave fireplace.  An entire evening in front of the fire, in just 8 minutes.
 
2013-08-30 03:07:25 PM  
"I'd be more apathetic, if I weren't so lethargic"


Seriosusly, WTF with the Dutch one?
 
2013-08-30 03:07:40 PM  
British "humour".
 
2013-08-30 03:08:05 PM  
46. You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts. Man: and do you have life? OMG, No! Could you send me a link? - Unknown Origin

I think I know why nobody wants to claim that one.

rocinante721: oh_please: I had a paper route when I was a kid, I was a paper boy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or 2 dumpsters!

[bowwowblogger.files.wordpress.com image 200x250]


Meaning that he'd just go toss the papers in the trash instead of delivering them.
 
2013-08-30 03:08:44 PM  
Popping your clogs means dying, not pretending to die as someone above guessed, but actually dying.
It's funny because of the sound of pop and clog together, imagine someone over-enunciating it in the style of Rowan Atkinson doing that Head Teacher sketch.
Clogs are Dutch wooden shoes, but I assume everyone knows that.
 
2013-08-30 03:08:44 PM  
Those Will Ferrell jokes are from the fake twitter accounts FillWerrell and Will___Ferrell. I suspect a lot of these are attributed falsely as well. I'd also suspect that would change the voting results. Furthermore, my suspicion is that the British are a terribly depressing and humorless lot.
 
2013-08-30 03:08:53 PM  
Like I watched Benny Hill for the humour. Yeah, that's the ticket.
 
2013-08-30 03:09:23 PM  
'I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception.'  - Groucho Marx
'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.  - Bob Newhart
'Show me a woman who isn't jealous of another woman and I'll show you a man.' - Phil Hartman as Bill McNeal
 
2013-08-30 03:10:46 PM  
Yea, gotta agree with everyone else. You could make a top 100 of Mitch Hedburg and Steven Wright and beat the pants off this list.
 
2013-08-30 03:11:04 PM  
My favorite Dangerfield joke: (paraphrasing) I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Take me to where the action is!" So he took me to my house!
 
2013-08-30 03:11:08 PM  
Most of those weren't funny.

The day of the Boston bombings Jeselnik tweeted "There are some lines you just can't cross, like the finish line." and that one still cracks me up.
 
2013-08-30 03:12:43 PM  
As a Brit I will enlighten you all......


This list is bullshiat.
 
2013-08-30 03:13:02 PM  
www.cprw.com

"So, he asked me, 'What's going on in this thread?', and I said, 'What do I look like? A seamstress?'"
 
2013-08-30 03:13:05 PM  
4. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance - Peter Kay

Stolen from Swingers?
 
2013-08-30 03:13:06 PM  
Me : I've got a good knock-knock joke, but you have to start it.

Them : Okay... knock-knock.

Me:  Who's there?

-long, awkward pause-
 
2013-08-30 03:13:15 PM  

Mugato: Steven Wright beats them all.


Ennuipoet: Mugato: Steven Wright beats them all.

This!


Steven Wright shines Rodney Dangerfield's shoes.

/sex at my age is like trying to shoot pool with a rope
/if I squeeze into a tight parking spot I'm sexually satisfied
/my wife and I agreed to only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1975. What bothers me is that my wife's up to 3 packs a day
/I know I'm ugly: last Halloween some kid tried to pull my face off
/hookers tell me they just like me as a friend
/my wife is so fat that if she wears a watch on each arm she covers 2 time zones
/last time she wore high heels she struck oil
/as I was buying rat poison at the store the clerk asked if she should bag it or did I want to eat it there

He had a million of 'em
RIP Rodney
 
2013-08-30 03:13:26 PM  

Ennuipoet: Mugato: Steven Wright beats them all.

This!


He was in there, but musattributed. The one about breakfast any time was on his album _I Have a Pony_
 
2013-08-30 03:13:37 PM  
FTA:  "British humour is as strong as ever, with scores of comics in the top 50 ...."

How many score? By my count, it could be as many as two, two score.

i0.kym-cdn.com

See, the Daily Fail is really funny, whatever you may think of British comics.

Personally, I love a lot of British comics. Even the asses. Asses are God's Creatures, say the Believers, and whatever you may think of them, they are poor animals who feel pain if you belabour them hard enough over the head with a bladder on a stick.

But if they want to satirize the Daily Mail, they'll have to get up very early in the morning, because all the best jokes are taken by the time the newspaper is put to bed.
 
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