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(Fark)   Let's play, "Whose Fark is it Anyways" The game where the participants are silly and the power rankings mean nothing. Today's topic: Things not to say on a first date   (fark.com) divider line 355
    More: Silly  
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3518 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Aug 2013 at 4:47 PM (34 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-08-29 03:43:07 PM
25 votes:
Hello, I'm Drew Curtis.
2013-08-29 03:40:57 PM
20 votes:
You don't smell too bad for a girl your size.
2013-08-29 03:42:41 PM
18 votes:
Oh, I thought you were the other one in your profile picture...
2013-08-29 03:49:20 PM
11 votes:
"Does anyone else know you're here?"
2013-08-29 03:51:04 PM
9 votes:
"I'd like to talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."
2013-08-29 03:43:33 PM
9 votes:
I've never dated down before.
2013-08-29 03:41:54 PM
9 votes:
You remind me of my sister
2013-08-29 03:40:48 PM
9 votes:
Can I have your skin?
2013-08-29 03:57:33 PM
8 votes:
I guess it wasn't really incest since my sister was dead.
2013-08-29 03:44:41 PM
8 votes:
It's been a fun evening, but I have to go home and feed my hostage.
2013-08-29 03:41:20 PM
8 votes:
Does this smell infected?
2013-08-29 08:00:38 PM
7 votes:
My Name is Gorgor.  Would you like to see my photo library?
2013-08-29 04:40:50 PM
7 votes:
You don't live within 1000 feet of a school, do you?
2013-08-29 04:30:06 PM
7 votes:
Wow, I really shouldn't have taken that laxative before eating all that Indian food. The toilet looks like the Ganges after a mudslide.
2013-08-29 03:52:46 PM
7 votes:
"My parents are waiting in the parking lot to meet you"
2013-08-29 03:51:34 PM
7 votes:
Oh my God! I have that same dress!
2013-08-29 03:42:26 PM
7 votes:
I want to fall asleep inside you.
2013-08-29 03:42:19 PM
7 votes:
"Can I see a photo of your mother?"
2013-08-29 03:49:53 PM
6 votes:

EviLincoln: "Does anyone else know you're here?"


Does this rag smell like chloroform?
2013-08-29 03:47:42 PM
6 votes:
If I told you you had a nice body would you remove your clothes and let me play with myself while you squatted over there in the corner?
2013-08-29 03:44:58 PM
6 votes:
don't worry, i'm not going to rape you.
2013-08-29 03:42:21 PM
6 votes:
So is that a wonder bra or are those puppies the real deal?
2013-08-29 04:25:36 PM
5 votes:
"Let's go back to your place. Don't worry, I know the way."
2013-08-29 04:21:24 PM
5 votes:
"Wow. You eat those breadsticks like it's your job"
2013-08-29 04:20:47 PM
5 votes:
"This was surprisingly fun.  Normally I don't date someone just for their personality."
2013-08-29 04:10:16 PM
5 votes:
You're getting dessert? *snert* I hope you make your Saving Throw against fatass.
2013-08-29 04:09:45 PM
5 votes:
Being charged is not the same as being convicted
2013-08-29 03:56:42 PM
5 votes:
You will have the green salad and a side of asparagus only. That last is important. Feel free to drink as much as you want.
2013-08-29 03:54:19 PM
5 votes:
I really enjoy the erotic subtext of the Smurfs.
2013-08-29 03:50:42 PM
5 votes:
Do you know the website, Fark.com?
2013-08-29 03:47:10 PM
5 votes:
You don't sweat a lot for a fat girl.
2013-08-29 03:46:38 PM
5 votes:
"Most girls with a skirt that short just look like a huge whore. But you pull it off."
2013-08-29 03:41:36 PM
5 votes:
"You know.... you look like this guy I met at an orgy a while back. I hope your penis isn't that big!"
2013-08-29 10:08:30 PM
4 votes:
So, my mother died recently, and I inherited her sex toys. *wink*
2013-08-29 07:20:23 PM
4 votes:
no one ever talks about all the good things meth does
2013-08-29 06:16:05 PM
4 votes:
You are making my butt water.
2013-08-29 05:51:18 PM
4 votes:
"Hey, wanna see how close I can steer this cruise ship to that coastline?"
2013-08-29 05:50:47 PM
4 votes:
So, let's see... about me... my exes were all real harpies.  I wouldn't say it made me hate women, but I need to know up front you aren't going to by a b**** and complain to the police just because I'm cooking in the trailer.  I ain't rich enough to have a RV like those guys on TV.  It's all part of the package.  Look, I'm not some sort of loser.  I pulled down 5 figures 3 of the last 6 years and when this workers comp thing comes through I'm buying an '83 Trans Am my neighbor is selling.  Imagine seeing that sitting out in front of the trailer?  Wooey, that will look sweet.  It will be like an extra bedroom, so we'll be able to screw even when Momma has her men over.  I don't begrudge her that.  She's 58 and she didn't put much money away for retirement, so she's got to work while the men will still pay.  That's why I got her the breast lift last year.

---

What, hooker?  No...

No.  My Momma's not a hooker.  She's a stripper.  aaaa... that reminds me of a story, but that's not really a dinner time story, well, okay, you see this one time, before she lost the weight, my and my cousin put up a pole in her bedroom.  She said she could make more money that way, anyway, my cousin, well he was always a practical joker.  He put the vaseline on there.  Man, that cat never so it coming.  You just hear this meooooooooo... splat.  Waiter, yeah, yeah, I forgot to mention, can we spit the check now, or do we have to do it up at the register?

She ain't never let anyone touch her except my dear departed dad, unless it was a threesome.  (Shudder)  I boy shouldn't have to watch that.  I mean, I know he was a porn star, but seeing that just reminded me that he wasn't my real dad, that I could never measure up.

Say, how about you?  I hear you graduated high school.  Don't think that makes you better than me.

Sure... yeah, I should hit the head too.  No sneaking out the back window.  No seriously.  I'm not losing another one that way.  Momma's out back in the pickup with a shotgun and a box of bonbons.  You don't want to cross her when her sugar is up, and she want's some grandkids, ASAP.  Don't bother with the cellphone either.  She's got a jammer she got from Mexico.

Now, names, I'm negotiable.  As long as one gets named Billy Ray and one gets named Miley, you can name the rest.

Wow.  This is a great night.  Imagine, I come all this way to meet my half-sister I never met, and instead... or should I say, in addition... I meet future wife number 6!  Can't get to lucky 7 without going through 6 first!  Say, what's your social security number anyway?
2013-08-29 05:21:40 PM
4 votes:
i39.tinypic.com
2013-08-29 05:18:52 PM
4 votes:
Say, did you used to be a man?
2013-08-29 04:56:35 PM
4 votes:
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
2013-08-29 04:19:35 PM
4 votes:
"You don't take direction very well"
2013-08-29 04:10:22 PM
4 votes:
I want to find something out about your cat, quick, hand me your lipstick.
2013-08-29 04:08:20 PM
4 votes:
"In accordance with Megan's Law, I am required to tell you..."
2013-08-29 04:07:23 PM
4 votes:
I knew you were the right one when I kept coming back to pleasure myself to your profile picture.
2013-08-29 04:07:04 PM
4 votes:
Apparently Muncie Indiana has a strictly enforced public nudity law.
2013-08-29 04:05:20 PM
4 votes:
"You remind me of my late wife, Nicole Brown".
2013-08-29 04:03:28 PM
4 votes:
Do you bleach your anus?
2013-08-29 03:55:55 PM
4 votes:
I'm a wizard.
2013-08-29 03:51:46 PM
4 votes:
"Funny thing is you can't taste tranquilizers"
2013-08-29 03:49:54 PM
4 votes:
I am a really big deal on a certain internet community.
2013-08-29 03:49:19 PM
4 votes:
Oh, my mother's going to love you. She's always said I needed a girl with good birthing hips.
2013-08-29 03:48:21 PM
4 votes:
I'm a level 92 on WoW
2013-08-29 03:46:25 PM
4 votes:
I love you!
2013-08-29 03:46:21 PM
4 votes:
I've decided to go ahead and get pregnant if I'm not married by this time next year.
2013-08-29 03:42:54 PM
4 votes:
"Do you even lift?
2013-08-29 03:42:53 PM
4 votes:
I like your perfume.  You smell just like my mom!
2013-08-29 09:25:37 PM
3 votes:
I don't know if you've done any "Internet sleuthing", haha, uh, but there's this other girl with my name...I get blamed for her shiat all the time.
2013-08-29 07:15:19 PM
3 votes:
I want to tongue punch your fart locker.
2013-08-29 07:14:45 PM
3 votes:
Do you mind if I call you Captain Meowsers?  It makes me kinda hot.
2013-08-29 06:36:11 PM
3 votes:
Can you sign this liability waiver?
2013-08-29 06:19:42 PM
3 votes:
Can you teach my daughter to kiss like that?
2013-08-29 05:38:07 PM
3 votes:
"What do you mean your cat sprays when it gets excited? I thought you didn't have any pets."
2013-08-29 05:23:22 PM
3 votes:
So should I get the hotel room for the full hour?
2013-08-29 04:44:10 PM
3 votes:
"You sure talk a lot"
2013-08-29 04:41:11 PM
3 votes:
"Have you always been a woman?"
2013-08-29 04:33:52 PM
3 votes:
You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars?
2013-08-29 04:30:52 PM
3 votes:
/At end of meal

What's 5 percent of 16.43?
2013-08-29 04:29:20 PM
3 votes:
So I spend a lot of time on this great website called Fark. Let me tell you all about it!
2013-08-29 04:27:59 PM
3 votes:
And as soon as mom dies I get the upstairs bedroom and the big mattress!
2013-08-29 04:27:36 PM
3 votes:
"Oh, this is my mom's car"
2013-08-29 04:26:58 PM
3 votes:
"I haven't been out much lately, my guild has been really active."
2013-08-29 04:25:28 PM
3 votes:
Sorry I'm gonna have to cut this date short, but I have to be at the gym in 26 minutes.
2013-08-29 04:22:44 PM
3 votes:
"Your voice sounds like a little girl, I really like that"
2013-08-29 04:22:22 PM
3 votes:
"I've got a speculum with your name written alllll over it"!
2013-08-29 04:21:11 PM
3 votes:

EviLincoln: CapeFearCadaver: "Wanna come outside real quick and see something that I have in my trunk? It's reeeally cool.... What's that? Oh, if I tell you then it'll ruin the surprise!.... No really, please?"

That one actually happened to me once.

What was in the trunk?


laxallstars.com

WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK!
2013-08-29 04:20:22 PM
3 votes:
So last night, on TotalFark...
2013-08-29 04:14:04 PM
3 votes:
you kiss better than my mother
2013-08-29 04:09:34 PM
3 votes:
"You remind me of my mother..just not in the sexy way".
2013-08-29 04:08:11 PM
3 votes:
"You didn't google my name did you?"
2013-08-29 04:05:57 PM
3 votes:
I'm not going to lie to you: Best case scenario it's still going to be plenty uncomfortable.
2013-08-29 04:05:56 PM
3 votes:

Ponzholio: EviLincoln: "I don't have coupons for this restaurant"

"Tell them you're under 12 to eat off the kids menu... oh, you really are under 12? SWEET!"


"The lady will have the corndog"
2013-08-29 04:04:35 PM
3 votes:
So long story short I have been reserving my seed for tonight.
2013-08-29 04:00:30 PM
3 votes:
Do you think you could fit a kilo of something up your butthole?
2013-08-29 04:00:27 PM
3 votes:
you are so beautiful, I wanna wear you like a hat
2013-08-29 03:58:34 PM
3 votes:
Sorry if I seem cranky today but I think I'm ovulating. So...do you like kids?
2013-08-29 03:56:27 PM
3 votes:
I don't know how you pronounce it in this country, but I believe it's called "feltching".
2013-08-29 03:56:23 PM
3 votes:
Does this look infected?
2013-08-29 03:55:45 PM
3 votes:
"Lots of women don't understand that by letting a guy pay for dinner, you've entered into a contract essentially"
2013-08-29 03:55:28 PM
3 votes:
You have the most interesting looking nostrils. They look so... lick-able.
2013-08-29 03:52:47 PM
3 votes:
"I can't wait to peg you"
2013-08-29 03:52:30 PM
3 votes:
Do you think this restaurant takes little bits of string as payment?
2013-08-29 03:51:32 PM
3 votes:
"Are you familiar with the term 'genital topiary'"?
2013-08-29 03:50:59 PM
3 votes:

DonWrite: EviLincoln: "Does anyone else know you're here?"

Does this rag smell like chloroform?


"You can't out run me in those shoes, so don't try"
2013-08-29 03:48:39 PM
3 votes:
So...ass play?
2013-08-29 03:48:31 PM
3 votes:
Are you familiar with the term "Cleveland Steamer"?
2013-08-29 03:48:27 PM
3 votes:
I hope we can wrap this up early, I have to meet my parole officer at 9am.
2013-08-29 03:48:25 PM
3 votes:
I like to scratch my skin flakes and eat them.
2013-08-29 03:46:54 PM
3 votes:
I like potatoes... sexually.
2013-08-29 03:46:35 PM
3 votes:
Geez, if they ever find out that I'm on a date, my wives are going to kill me.
2013-08-29 03:46:20 PM
3 votes:
I've been google searching you all week in anticipation.
2013-08-29 03:46:05 PM
3 votes:
Do you enjoy My Little Pony conventions?
2013-08-29 03:44:38 PM
3 votes:
"Lots of women want to be with a boat captain."
2013-08-29 03:44:00 PM
3 votes:
i need to swing by Home Depot to pick up more duct tape.
2013-08-29 03:43:56 PM
3 votes:
So, I just got kicked out of my place. Can I crash with you for a while?
2013-08-29 03:43:33 PM
3 votes:
"Hold my beer and watch this!"
2013-08-29 03:42:19 PM
3 votes:
I only smoke crack every other day. There rest of the week is black tar heroin. Do you know how to play Canasta? Love that game.
2013-08-29 03:41:50 PM
3 votes:
My ex was a real coont. You better not be too.
2013-08-29 11:56:12 PM
2 votes:
"YOU'RE A HOOKER!?!?!?"
"Oh, jesus, I forgot."
2013-08-29 10:26:20 PM
2 votes:
"So the whole purpose of this date is to turn me straight. You might be hot enough; we'll have to see."
2013-08-29 10:16:28 PM
2 votes:
My boyfriend likes to watch but my husband doesn't.

Can't wait to read this thread!
2013-08-29 09:20:05 PM
2 votes:
"I like my women how I like my coffee.............. covered in bees"
2013-08-29 09:08:12 PM
2 votes:
"Have you ever heard of a man named Albert Fish?"
2013-08-29 08:53:57 PM
2 votes:
"Thank god! I started my period, I was afraid I was pregnant. I can order a drink now."

...Yes, this was actually said to me, upon her returning from the restroom on a first date.
2013-08-29 08:36:54 PM
2 votes:
I'm kind of married.
2013-08-29 08:19:38 PM
2 votes:
Y'know, I've been looking forward to this night ever since I got your mother pregnant.
2013-08-29 08:12:16 PM
2 votes:
You'll do.
2013-08-29 08:05:14 PM
2 votes:
"Alright, let's get this shiat started!"
2013-08-29 07:56:09 PM
2 votes:
Do the noises in my head bother you?
2013-08-29 07:26:04 PM
2 votes:
That'll do pig.
2013-08-29 07:25:30 PM
2 votes:
Let's not turn this rape into a murder


/I don't go on dates too often...
2013-08-29 07:14:24 PM
2 votes:
You didn't say on your profile that you were pregnant!
2013-08-29 07:12:47 PM
2 votes:
Some people say crazy cat lady, but I consider myself more of a rescuer. I mean seriously, 26 isn't that many cats...
2013-08-29 07:11:57 PM
2 votes:
You remembered bus fare, right?
2013-08-29 06:40:54 PM
2 votes:
"Yeah, I'll bet.  You want rough?  I'll tell you about rough.

In fact, there ain't nobody in this thread that knows SH*T about rough.

Y'all can all shut the **** up. I'm a DKE and proud of it. I swear to god I went to hell and back to be able to call myself a DKE. I went through some shiat that y'all could never imagine going through.

One of our older brothers is a US Navy Seal and just got back from somewhere in Afghanistan.  He said that he would rather go through basic training and he would rather go back and fight for a week before he would come back and go throughour initiation. Trust me, y'all motherf*ckin **** couldn't handle the sh*t that goes down for 5 minutes...

Go on and hate on my fraternity if you want, I don't give a sh*t, there's nothing I can technically do about it, but I think it's a proven fact that the only reason have for hating on fraternities is that they don't know, or are scared to go through what it takes to be apart of it.

For those of you that don't know, DKE is an active chapter of what is known as the "Skull and Bones" the most secret society in the nation. More secret than the CIA, and possibly the NSA. George Bush, Jr, and Sr, were both Dekes, as well as both the Roosevelts,andGerald Ford.How about THAT?  We had 7 of our leading presidents, more than any other fraternity of common group ever. We were the leading provider for the Civil war, both north and south, we were the first fraternity in the state of Mississippi, as well as Alabama, and Louisiana.

Y'all don't know sh*t about what I've been through, and until you come over and go through what I've been through to call my brothers brothers then **** off. I don't give a **** about anybody on here. So shut the **** up."
2013-08-29 06:23:10 PM
2 votes:
What flavor roofies do you like?
2013-08-29 06:19:24 PM
2 votes:
My wife is dead but the funeral isn't until tomorrow.
2013-08-29 06:17:42 PM
2 votes:
so how do you see this date ending?  I only ask because if you're expecting any 'action' I need to get a couple of these pills down like right now or you're not gonna have anything but a puppet show later.
2013-08-29 05:51:15 PM
2 votes:
Mom?
2013-08-29 05:49:22 PM
2 votes:
"Pick a number between 1 and 10."
"Ummmm, seven?"
"Oh my God, that is exactly how many times I am going to stab you!"
2013-08-29 05:41:52 PM
2 votes:
"Just in case anyone should happen to ask you, just say that we were together the whole night, and that I wasn't anywhere near Main Street at 1am tonight. Just in case."
2013-08-29 05:38:33 PM
2 votes:
You bloated today, or is this your normal look?
2013-08-29 05:38:27 PM
2 votes:
[turns on radio] "Oh, man, I love this song. I relate to it so much. Don't stand, don't stand so, don't stand so close to me."
2013-08-29 05:35:13 PM
2 votes:
I am SOOO glad I'm not in the middle of an outbreak right now.
2013-08-29 05:32:59 PM
2 votes:
"Sorry, I have to take this, it's my wife."
2013-08-29 05:27:14 PM
2 votes:
"Ben Affleck will be the best Batman ever!"
2013-08-29 05:21:38 PM
2 votes:
"Have we met before?.... HOLY shiat! I know who you are! You're Fat Claire from high school! BWahahahahaa! Oh god, FAT F*CKING CLAIRE! HAHA, can't wait until I tell the guys about this!"
*pulls out smartphone*
2013-08-29 05:21:13 PM
2 votes:
So Ann, I used to be homeless, but I'm in public housing now.  It's a good thing we live in a welfare state.  I read your bio online, well skimmed it.  You are pretty famous!  So, how do you pronounce your last name Culture, Cold Tear, Coulter.

My what big hands you have.  Um, you're choking me.  You're cho cho...
2013-08-29 05:16:20 PM
2 votes:
Look, this hard on isn't going to take care of itself.
2013-08-29 05:14:35 PM
2 votes:
"Have you read 'Dianetics' by L. Ron Hubbard?"
2013-08-29 05:07:50 PM
2 votes:
"Gosh, you sure look fancy. Gosh... I only brought $20 but I can ask my mom for more. She's outside, I'll be back."
2013-08-29 05:02:32 PM
2 votes:
"Yeah, I've got a 5 inch taint."
2013-08-29 04:56:50 PM
2 votes:
"I don't care what the police say, that horse raped me!"
2013-08-29 04:56:00 PM
2 votes:
Nice shoes. Let's fark.
2013-08-29 04:51:23 PM
2 votes:
"You're gonna love my wife!"
2013-08-29 04:42:06 PM
2 votes:
"Ha, no, I don't work with kids I just spend a lot of time watching them... You have any?"
2013-08-29 04:40:59 PM
2 votes:
What do you know about sovereign citizenry?
2013-08-29 04:40:48 PM
2 votes:
"So, uh, you feeling tired yet?"
2013-08-29 04:39:33 PM
2 votes:
"You may recognize me from my rape trial, it got pretty big."
2013-08-29 04:39:04 PM
2 votes:
"This pamphlet will explain most of my political beliefs"
2013-08-29 04:38:19 PM
2 votes:
Can you fit that whole breadstick in your mouth?

What?

Because it's gonna be relevant later, that's why.
2013-08-29 04:37:08 PM
2 votes:
"Oh, what I do for a living? That's a hard question to answer"
2013-08-29 04:36:58 PM
2 votes:
"Sorry I'm late, I didn't realize we were coming into the restaurant.  I thought you'd just blow me in my van."
2013-08-29 04:36:24 PM
2 votes:
can you roll a joint?
2013-08-29 04:35:45 PM
2 votes:
So, have you ever robbed a bank before or are we winging it here?
2013-08-29 04:31:22 PM
2 votes:
"I just pooped...no, like just now"!
2013-08-29 04:30:46 PM
2 votes:
"I find the smell of urine to be an aphrodisiac, wouldn't you agree"?
2013-08-29 04:29:35 PM
2 votes:
"Would you believe it? I got mugged on the way here. No, I'm fine, but it was just crazy and kinda surreal. Say, since they stole my wallet, could you pay for dinner?"
2013-08-29 04:29:17 PM
2 votes:
You don't mind if some of my LARP group tags along, do you?
2013-08-29 04:29:00 PM
2 votes:
You know, I always open up the restaurant menu hoping that they'll be serving long pig. They never do, but a fellow can dream, can't he?
2013-08-29 04:28:15 PM
2 votes:
"Wanna watch porn on my phone while we wait for the appetizer?"
2013-08-29 04:21:38 PM
2 votes:
You seem really nice, so I'm choosing to ignore the voices.
2013-08-29 04:19:38 PM
2 votes:
Can I chew your hair?
2013-08-29 04:19:24 PM
2 votes:
Is it OK if my brother comes along?
2013-08-29 04:19:17 PM
2 votes:
You know, the Y chromosome is really an incomplete X chromosome. So men are really just damaged women.
2013-08-29 04:16:59 PM
2 votes:
"Oh, him? My conjoined twin. Don't worry..he won't watch".
2013-08-29 04:13:32 PM
2 votes:
Goo!  Gaah!  Waaaaahhhhhhhhhh!  *pouty face* Change me, I made a stinky!

or

You're really making my Pampers tent.
2013-08-29 04:12:56 PM
2 votes:
Do you smell fish?
2013-08-29 04:12:50 PM
2 votes:
"Do you have any experience with putting a bridle on a ma..HORSE! On a horse"?
2013-08-29 04:11:27 PM
2 votes:
"We split up shortly after a snorkeling trip to Aruba".
2013-08-29 04:10:35 PM
2 votes:
"So how attached are you to your kids?"
2013-08-29 04:09:40 PM
2 votes:
"Can I get a look at your feet, now?"
2013-08-29 04:08:46 PM
2 votes:
"You'd be surprised the things that will land a person on a sex offender registry".
2013-08-29 04:06:52 PM
2 votes:
"Nah, there's no way I could fit you in my freezer... Your head, sure. But not your entire body."
2013-08-29 04:04:24 PM
2 votes:
"I like your skin. No. I mean, I REALLY like your skin, it's so elasticized and stretchy..... Oh, what was that? Sorry, I was daydreaming about what I'm going to do with it... um, I mean with you, later *wink*"
2013-08-29 04:04:09 PM
2 votes:
"I don't have coupons for this restaurant"
2013-08-29 04:03:52 PM
2 votes:
You remind me of Lindsey Lohan.
2013-08-29 04:03:03 PM
2 votes:
How many healthy kidneys do you have?
2013-08-29 04:02:28 PM
2 votes:
The way that I look at it, anyone who's dating someone who's a child at heart is the real pedophile.
2013-08-29 04:02:20 PM
2 votes:
Sometimes it's so obvious that I just have to laugh you know. I mean, there is was in front of our faces all along, right? Like David Koresh man. He totally got it.
2013-08-29 04:01:15 PM
2 votes:
While we have this moment alone, can I share with you some of the wisdom of the Church of Scientology?
2013-08-29 04:00:41 PM
2 votes:
"Why i'm telling you this will soon become apparent: it will hurt less if you push out"
2013-08-29 04:00:23 PM
2 votes:
Mother thinks it's great that you came out with me this evening.
2013-08-29 04:00:15 PM
2 votes:
"You're much more sexy than the picture in your profile. Lucky for me I'm not having a flare up"!
2013-08-29 03:59:08 PM
2 votes:
"I'm an architect of sorts...I actually design home dungeons".
2013-08-29 03:58:32 PM
2 votes:
Whoa! Did you really think you could pull off the sultry look, lardbutt?
2013-08-29 03:58:05 PM
2 votes:
"Sometimes women just don't understand how guys have feellings too and it MAKES ME SO ANGRY"
2013-08-29 03:57:51 PM
2 votes:
"Let's say we skip dessert and go back to my place so I can eat Skittles out of your ass and record it and then we'll post it to YouTu...HEY! Where ya going"?!
2013-08-29 03:55:14 PM
2 votes:
Do you hold the ways of your ancestors and remember the face of your father?
2013-08-29 03:54:39 PM
2 votes:
Fisting is not for everyone...
2013-08-29 03:53:07 PM
2 votes:

LlamaGirl: Current Resident: Oh my God! I have that same dress!

*shrug* that wouldn't bother me.


Oh my God!  My wife has that same dress!
2013-08-29 03:52:55 PM
2 votes:

Al_Ed: CapeFearCadaver: So, wanna make some babies?

You'd be surprised...this worked for me once.


I just got an email....
2013-08-29 03:52:41 PM
2 votes:
"What fetish sites do you go to?"
2013-08-29 03:52:24 PM
2 votes:
"Nah, Thai food doesn't really sit well with my Valtrex. How about Chinese?"
2013-08-29 03:52:19 PM
2 votes:
I just got out of prison and WHOO BOY! do I need to pound something!
2013-08-29 03:51:51 PM
2 votes:
Keep it wet for me baby, I've gotta take a big dump.
2013-08-29 03:50:03 PM
2 votes:
I really don't know how many children I have....  I mean, I've donated a LOT of sperm.
2013-08-29 03:49:51 PM
2 votes:
Ugh, that's it? Alright, let's get this over with.
2013-08-29 03:47:27 PM
2 votes:
I can't wait to eat your pussy like a bag of sunflower seeds.
2013-08-29 03:46:58 PM
2 votes:
I wonder what our children would look like?
2013-08-29 03:46:08 PM
2 votes:
Don't worry about that smell. It doesn't concern you.
2013-08-29 03:44:27 PM
2 votes:
Do you shave? I only ask because I prefer my mates au naturel. On a related note how do you feel about arm pit play?
2013-08-29 03:44:14 PM
2 votes:
You remind me of your late sister.
2013-08-29 03:43:11 PM
2 votes:
Any pictures of your mom?  Let's see the mileage, I wanna know if you're gonna get fatter.
2013-08-29 03:43:04 PM
2 votes:
I'd give my father a handjo if that you mean you'll sleep with me tonight.
2013-08-29 03:42:32 PM
2 votes:
Do you like my hair up or like Hitler's?
2013-08-29 03:41:07 PM
2 votes:
I want to feel your throat
2013-08-29 03:40:22 PM
2 votes:
"I'm an engineer who has a prominently displayed star wars/star trek collection."
2013-08-30 10:34:39 AM
1 votes:
Can I cook you for breakfast?
2013-08-30 10:31:50 AM
1 votes:
My dolls probably won't like you.
2013-08-30 10:29:19 AM
1 votes:
You know, you'll probably rip that dress getting in my coffin.
2013-08-30 10:08:11 AM
1 votes:

vudukungfu: specialkae: I have Daddy issues.  Will you spank me?

Sit on my lap and let's talk about this.


See what pops up?
2013-08-30 09:02:05 AM
1 votes:

specialkae: I have Daddy issues.  Will you spank me?


Sit on my lap and let's talk about this.
2013-08-30 12:06:04 AM
1 votes:
"I pooped a little!"
2013-08-29 11:24:19 PM
1 votes:
You'll get over it.
2013-08-29 11:15:15 PM
1 votes:
I recently had an abortion...

A woman told me that on our first (and only) date, during dinner. Whenever that certain restaurant we ate at comes up in conversation, that date comes to mind.
2013-08-29 11:02:50 PM
1 votes:
i want to get you naked and lick you clean like a cat.
2013-08-29 10:35:00 PM
1 votes:

The Dogs of War: Let's not turn this rape into a murder


/I don't go on dates too often...


Dammit, should have read the thread first. Oh well.
2013-08-29 10:31:52 PM
1 votes:
"Let's not turn this rape into a murder."
2013-08-29 09:57:29 PM
1 votes:
My dad calls me "The Twerkinator"!
2013-08-29 09:21:53 PM
1 votes:
Sorry I am late. I was just getting my results from the clinic.
2013-08-29 09:16:54 PM
1 votes:
To access my v-giny, you must answer me these questions 3:

1) What is your name?
2) What is your quest?
3) In what way do you like your women the way you like your coffee?
2013-08-29 09:16:50 PM
1 votes:
"Now.... I'm not a racist... buuuuut........."
2013-08-29 09:14:24 PM
1 votes:

guy_smiley: "Thank god! I started my period, I was afraid I was pregnant. I can order a drink now."

...Yes, this was actually said to me, upon her returning from the restroom on a first date.


At least she wasn't going to drink if she was pregnant.  Partial credit for that.
2013-08-29 08:28:05 PM
1 votes:
I took these pictures of you at the beach when you weren't looking and they didn't turn out that great - you look kinda fat. I don't really want them so you can have them.

/this is why I don't date any more.
2013-08-29 08:27:21 PM
1 votes:
Long story short, it took two doctors and a nurse to get the tube of Bengay back out!
2013-08-29 08:20:28 PM
1 votes:
My mom gave me a Ped Egg for Christmas and I had to empty that biatch three times!
2013-08-29 08:03:29 PM
1 votes:
Mind hiding under the table for a minute?  I'm getting ready to rob this place.
2013-08-29 07:32:50 PM
1 votes:
you can call me daddy if you like
2013-08-29 07:31:39 PM
1 votes:
"Ruprecht, NO! That is not mother."
2013-08-29 07:29:35 PM
1 votes:
"I'm on birth control. I promise."
2013-08-29 07:29:00 PM
1 votes:
Mom?
2013-08-29 07:26:42 PM
1 votes:
Rape isn't really a crime.  No one really means no.
2013-08-29 07:24:54 PM
1 votes:
"The ring?  What ring?  Oh, *that* ring.  Aw, for crying out loud, did I forget to take it off *again?*"
2013-08-29 07:18:33 PM
1 votes:
you can make a lot of money selling used body parts.
2013-08-29 07:16:16 PM
1 votes:
It smells like fresh vagina in here!

<Sit down at table>
<Grunt>
"Well, I already orgasmed. Nice to have met you!"
<Leave>
2013-08-29 07:06:00 PM
1 votes:
"Are those real?"
2013-08-29 06:59:32 PM
1 votes:
I'm not wearing a bra.
2013-08-29 06:56:10 PM
1 votes:
well excuse me, but the children's menu is the only menu with dinosaur chicken nuggets.
2013-08-29 06:40:35 PM
1 votes:
Does anyone know that you are out with me tonight?
2013-08-29 06:37:26 PM
1 votes:
Is your name [your full legal name]?
2013-08-29 06:37:05 PM
1 votes:
Don't worry, I was acquitted.
2013-08-29 06:34:36 PM
1 votes:
So, what's your Fark handle?
2013-08-29 06:31:36 PM
1 votes:
Lets see those cankles
2013-08-29 06:30:11 PM
1 votes:
I get my dating advice on Fark
2013-08-29 06:29:36 PM
1 votes:
"So, my wife thinks you're really hot..."
2013-08-29 06:26:45 PM
1 votes:

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Hello, I'm Drew Curtis.


And the thread didn't end here????
2013-08-29 06:13:11 PM
1 votes:
i157.photobucket.com
Dayum, look at 'em titties!
2013-08-29 06:10:18 PM
1 votes:
"You need to go to the bathroom? No no! Don't get up, I'll get under the table and take care of that for you."

/why do I even brain these things?
2013-08-29 06:06:45 PM
1 votes:
You scream and I'll kill you.
2013-08-29 06:06:22 PM
1 votes:
CSB/

I had a roommate come home from a first date. He said she was totally normal while they were at a movie and went back to her place. She apparently liked beta fish. She STAPLED the dead ones around her bed. He said it created an arch around her bed like a headboard.

She also liked anime. A lot.

He still slept with her. Because sex.

/CSB
2013-08-29 06:04:16 PM
1 votes:
My favorite thing about a woman is the back of her head.
2013-08-29 06:00:23 PM
1 votes:
I'm Batman!
2013-08-29 05:58:00 PM
1 votes:
Damn you don't look as good as my ex and she is two tables over from us.
2013-08-29 05:55:58 PM
1 votes:
Who's your favorite Power Ranger?
2013-08-29 05:54:44 PM
1 votes:
"Hey Roring, jag har en tums penis."
2013-08-29 05:46:40 PM
1 votes:
Do you know what a blumpkin is?
2013-08-29 05:43:42 PM
1 votes:
CSB:

From A Serbian friend of mine back in the 90's:

"I used to think you looked good, now that I see you in those shorts, I think 'Not so Much'."

The next day he came up to me at work and say "What it mean when girl says you 'Shallow'?"

LOL, I had to ask him if she was talking about a body of water or him, then he told me that he was trying to be nice when he told her the above bit...
2013-08-29 05:42:51 PM
1 votes:
I believe in equality, so how about you pick up the tab?
2013-08-29 05:38:14 PM
1 votes:
"Hi, my name is Moderator."
2013-08-29 05:37:25 PM
1 votes:
As far as you know, this is a date.....got it?
2013-08-29 05:35:11 PM
1 votes:
I love to hunt. Do you like to hide?
2013-08-29 05:30:23 PM
1 votes:
Hi - my name's Lorena Bobbitt
2013-08-29 05:29:37 PM
1 votes:

robbrie: Shaved, waxed, or au natural?


How is it down there? Do you have the Yul Brynner,Clitler or Don King?
2013-08-29 05:26:36 PM
1 votes:

robbrie: Shaved, waxed, or au natural?


"Do the carpets match the drapes?"
2013-08-29 05:20:45 PM
1 votes:
"You can have anything you'd like on the menu as long as it's on the dollar menu."
2013-08-29 05:19:11 PM
1 votes:

HoratioGates: What the doctors don't tell you is how much priapism hurts.  Still, I knew this was our first date, so I came anyway.  I just wish there was something I could do about it.


"I've been hard for 4 hours, and my doctor said to call you."
2013-08-29 05:17:00 PM
1 votes:
Can I have my Valtrex pen back?  It's a family heirloom.  My mom gave it to me, well, kind of.  

You probably shouldn't chew on the lid anyway.
2013-08-29 05:14:59 PM
1 votes:
"I have an idea for a light-up Ted Bundy dashboard doll!"

///actually spoken on a first date
//not by me
/kind of killed the whole deal right there
2013-08-29 05:13:52 PM
1 votes:
Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?
Hey, Ma! The meatloaf!
2013-08-29 05:13:46 PM
1 votes:
Stop looking at me!
2013-08-29 05:12:25 PM
1 votes:
"I've got an Alex Jones book you should borrow.  It'll change your life."
2013-08-29 05:05:45 PM
1 votes:
"I bet you could charge $200 to $400 a night with those lips and that one good eye."
2013-08-29 05:04:28 PM
1 votes:
"This is probably going to come out sooner or later, so..." Unzips pants.
2013-08-29 05:02:33 PM
1 votes:
Well, you don't look like much, but I'll kick the spare tire and see how fast you'll go.
2013-08-29 05:01:18 PM
1 votes:
(To be used after sex, if you get it on the first date) "So, if I told you - and this is just a hypothetical - if I told you I might have herpes, what would you say?"
2013-08-29 04:55:03 PM
1 votes:
"Man, I was practically raised by 70's porn."
2013-08-29 04:53:41 PM
1 votes:

MaudlinMutantMollusk: EviLincoln: "You're gonna love my wife!"

"My wife is going to love you!"


"Fair warning... My wife gets REALLY jealous."
2013-08-29 04:53:26 PM
1 votes:
*whispers* I can't speak freely they are listening.
2013-08-29 04:52:33 PM
1 votes:
"I've had sex before... well sort of."
2013-08-29 04:52:31 PM
1 votes:

EviLincoln: "You're gonna love my wife!"


"My wife is going to love you!"
2013-08-29 04:52:31 PM
1 votes:
Read? Books? Who has time for that crap?
2013-08-29 04:50:46 PM
1 votes:
"Racial purity is important to me"
2013-08-29 04:50:11 PM
1 votes:
Sure I'm still technically married, but only til they find the body and pronounce her dead. I have a hunch that won't be any time soon, though.
2013-08-29 04:47:11 PM
1 votes:
"Do you mind if we swing by the morgue on the way home, I need to drop someone off."
2013-08-29 04:38:38 PM
1 votes:

Al_Ed: "You have small hands...which is good because that'll make my cock seem bigger".


No adult has hand THAT small.....
2013-08-29 04:36:07 PM
1 votes:
You know what, I jerked off in the car so let's just call it a night.
2013-08-29 04:35:52 PM
1 votes:
Are you really going to wear that?
2013-08-29 04:34:49 PM
1 votes:
Can I borrow your napkin, I just came.
2013-08-29 04:33:55 PM
1 votes:

James!: "I really shouldn't be dating this soon out of rehab, but your profile really spoke to me."


"By the way, do you have any vicodin?"
2013-08-29 04:33:04 PM
1 votes:
"You have small hands...which is good because that'll make my cock seem bigger".
2013-08-29 04:32:43 PM
1 votes:
"I really shouldn't be dating this soon out of rehab, but your profile really spoke to me."
2013-08-29 04:30:50 PM
1 votes:
So...what's YOUR cutie mark?
2013-08-29 04:30:41 PM
1 votes:
And since I'm adopted, there's a real chance that we could be brother and sister.
2013-08-29 04:30:09 PM
1 votes:
"Do you know Brandy? She's a slut."
2013-08-29 04:29:56 PM
1 votes:
"The doctor said it was gonorrhea but what does that quack know"?!
2013-08-29 04:29:47 PM
1 votes:
Wanna go half-sies on a lap dance?
2013-08-29 04:28:40 PM
1 votes:
"I don't like to brag but I do hold the mid-Atlantic record for most cheddar biscuits consumed at a Red Lobster"!
2013-08-29 04:27:24 PM
1 votes:
I'm definitely thinking doggie, if at all.
2013-08-29 04:26:19 PM
1 votes:
[redacted]

Christ, I can be a sicko!
2013-08-29 04:25:30 PM
1 votes:
"You've got bingo wings that won't quit"
2013-08-29 04:25:03 PM
1 votes:
There's a slight, but very real chance that I may need a pint of your blood tonight.
2013-08-29 04:24:27 PM
1 votes:
"The relationship between me and my dog is strictly platonic....now".
2013-08-29 04:20:41 PM
1 votes:
Are you familiar with the term blumkin?
2013-08-29 04:20:09 PM
1 votes:
"I came before the entrees...sorry"!
2013-08-29 04:19:12 PM
1 votes:
"I've seen every episode of iCarly".
2013-08-29 04:18:52 PM
1 votes:

CapeFearCadaver: "Wanna come outside real quick and see something that I have in my trunk? It's reeeally cool.... What's that? Oh, if I tell you then it'll ruin the surprise!.... No really, please?"

That one actually happened to me once.


What was in the trunk?
2013-08-29 04:18:15 PM
1 votes:
Sorry, I was watching the Ryan Reynolds movie and all of a sudden BAM, I'm gay.
2013-08-29 04:15:45 PM
1 votes:
is it considered a threesome if my dog licks your butt during sex?
2013-08-29 04:15:35 PM
1 votes:
Please, call me Senator.
2013-08-29 04:13:57 PM
1 votes:
I think yoru roommate has a great sense of humor
2013-08-29 04:12:57 PM
1 votes:

Al_Ed: "We split up shortly after a snorkeling trip to Aruba".


"Hey, I have two tickets to go to Aruba next week. Wanna come? You don't have to do anything you don't want to, promise."
2013-08-29 04:12:20 PM
1 votes:
Do you spit or swallow?
2013-08-29 04:12:13 PM
1 votes:
And once when I was five I was repeatedly molested by my Uncle. I spent years in therapy, but damn, that man knew how to give a handy.
2013-08-29 04:11:45 PM
1 votes:
"I gotta take the green pills every four hours or I start screaming"
2013-08-29 04:11:35 PM
1 votes:
"So, what are you... a size 12? 14? *sigh*"
2013-08-29 04:10:39 PM
1 votes:

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Being charged is not the same as being convicted


... I mean, the trial IS next month, but...
2013-08-29 04:09:26 PM
1 votes:
Do you know how to get dog blood out of linen?
2013-08-29 04:08:51 PM
1 votes:
Oh, I'm really into reading. I'm just finishing The Turner Diaries for the 5th time.
2013-08-29 04:08:30 PM
1 votes:
'Dead beat dad' is such a negative term don't you think?
2013-08-29 04:07:47 PM
1 votes:
Hello. My name's Dave and I'm an alcoholic.
2013-08-29 04:07:39 PM
1 votes:
"You remind me so much of my ex-wife!"
2013-08-29 04:07:36 PM
1 votes:
"I know where there's a really nice Long John Silvers"
2013-08-29 04:05:59 PM
1 votes:
Do you know anything about prison gang tattoos?
2013-08-29 04:05:21 PM
1 votes:
"Does the phrase 'No one can hear you scream' turn you on? "
2013-08-29 04:05:20 PM
1 votes:

EviLincoln: "I don't have coupons for this restaurant"


"Tell them you're under 12 to eat off the kids menu... oh, you really are under 12? SWEET!"
2013-08-29 04:01:05 PM
1 votes:
"Let me tell you about the Government Contrail Program".
2013-08-29 04:00:58 PM
1 votes:
Do you even have a mirror in your house because those shoes with that dress?
2013-08-29 03:59:36 PM
1 votes:
"My therapist told me the 396 ways that 9/11 was an inside job. I'd like you to help spread the word."
2013-08-29 03:59:29 PM
1 votes:
I don't believe in tipping.
2013-08-29 03:57:46 PM
1 votes:
I was Joan of Arc in a former life
2013-08-29 03:56:53 PM
1 votes:
*walk up to the hostess with your date*

"are you here for the gangbang too?!?"
2013-08-29 03:56:43 PM
1 votes:
My relationship with my dog, Rex, is special.
2013-08-29 03:55:49 PM
1 votes:
"UNGH, girl! You look tighter than a DRUM"!
2013-08-29 03:55:17 PM
1 votes:

Dance Party: I am a woman trapped in a man's body.


I am a woman trapped in a man's body trapped in a dungeon in my neighbor's basement.
2013-08-29 03:53:26 PM
1 votes:
"Hold on while I look up every single item on the menu on my Weight Watchers. com account."
2013-08-29 03:53:02 PM
1 votes:
"Care to come back to my place and see my amateur taxidermy"?
2013-08-29 03:53:02 PM
1 votes:
We should get a drink. I'm going to need to be hammered to do what I got to do later on.
2013-08-29 03:52:12 PM
1 votes:

Current Resident: Oh my God! I have that same dress!


*shrug* that wouldn't bother me.
2013-08-29 03:52:08 PM
1 votes:

CapeFearCadaver: So, wanna make some babies?


You'd be surprised...this worked for me once.
2013-08-29 03:51:27 PM
1 votes:
You ever wonder what someone else's blood tastes like? I mean, is it the same? I bet yours is sweet.
2013-08-29 03:50:47 PM
1 votes:
Do you mind if I go change my diaper real quick? Wanna help!??
2013-08-29 03:49:17 PM
1 votes:
Ohhhh it's so cute!!
2013-08-29 03:48:56 PM
1 votes:
wicmblog.files.wordpress.com
2013-08-29 03:48:46 PM
1 votes:
My mom thinks I'm really swell.
2013-08-29 03:47:56 PM
1 votes:
And here are the 427 reasons that Kirk was a better Captain than Picard...
2013-08-29 03:47:47 PM
1 votes:
"I love you."
2013-08-29 03:46:11 PM
1 votes:
Kissing is unnatural. Filthy when you think about it, and looking into some ones eyes makes me uncomfortable, but other than that I'm pretty much game for any thing legal.
2013-08-29 03:45:14 PM
1 votes:
Want to see my pickle collection?
2013-08-29 03:43:31 PM
1 votes:

Ponzholio: Oh, I thought you were the other one in your profile picture...


hahahaha, yeah that would be pretty bad
2013-08-29 03:43:27 PM
1 votes:
And I was lost for words
In your arms
Attempting to make sense
Of my aching heart
If I could just be
Everything and everyone to you
This life would just be so easy
Not enough time for all
That I want for you
Not enough time for every kiss
And every touch and all the nights
I wanna be inside you
We will make time stop
For the two of us
Make time stop
And listen for our sighs
Not enough time for all
That I want for you
Not enough time for every kiss
And every touch and all the nights
I wanna be inside you
In our fight against the end
Making love we are immortal
We are the last two left on earth
And I was lost for words
In your arms
Attempting to make sense of
My aching heart
If I could just be everything
And everyone to you
Not enough time for all
That I want for you
Not enough time for every kiss
Not enough time for all my love
Not enough time for every touch
Not enough time for all
That I want for you
Not enough time for every kiss
And every touch and all the nights
I wanna be inside you
2013-08-29 03:42:24 PM
1 votes:
Do you want a keybump to get the party started?  I'm doing one.
2013-08-29 03:41:35 PM
1 votes:
Man, I can smell my swamp-ass through my shorts & underpants!

Um, what was the thread topic again?
2013-08-29 03:41:05 PM
1 votes:
"Tell me all about your dead ex-girlfriend."
2013-08-29 03:40:05 PM
1 votes:
Say, do you have a mini bottle of talcum powder in your purse?
 
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