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(Fark)   Let's play, "Whose Fark is it Anyways" The game where the participants are silly and the power rankings mean nothing. Today's topic: Things not to say on a first date   (fark.com) divider line 607
    More: Silly  
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3528 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Aug 2013 at 4:47 PM (51 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



607 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2013-08-29 03:40:05 PM
Say, do you have a mini bottle of talcum powder in your purse?
 
2013-08-29 03:40:22 PM
"I'm an engineer who has a prominently displayed star wars/star trek collection."
 
2013-08-29 03:40:48 PM
Can I have your skin?
 
2013-08-29 03:40:57 PM
You don't smell too bad for a girl your size.
 
2013-08-29 03:41:05 PM
"Tell me all about your dead ex-girlfriend."
 
2013-08-29 03:41:07 PM
I want to feel your throat
 
2013-08-29 03:41:16 PM

Honest Bender: "I'm an engineer who has a prominently displayed star wars/star trek collection."


I never did get the definition of 'prominently'...
 
2013-08-29 03:41:20 PM
Does this smell infected?
 
2013-08-29 03:41:35 PM
Man, I can smell my swamp-ass through my shorts & underpants!

Um, what was the thread topic again?
 
2013-08-29 03:41:36 PM
"You know.... you look like this guy I met at an orgy a while back. I hope your penis isn't that big!"
 
2013-08-29 03:41:50 PM
My ex was a real coont. You better not be too.
 
2013-08-29 03:41:54 PM
You remind me of my sister
 
2013-08-29 03:42:19 PM
I only smoke crack every other day. There rest of the week is black tar heroin. Do you know how to play Canasta? Love that game.
 
2013-08-29 03:42:19 PM
"Can I see a photo of your mother?"
 
2013-08-29 03:42:21 PM
So is that a wonder bra or are those puppies the real deal?
 
2013-08-29 03:42:24 PM
Do you want a keybump to get the party started?  I'm doing one.
 
2013-08-29 03:42:26 PM
I want to fall asleep inside you.
 
2013-08-29 03:42:32 PM
Do you like my hair up or like Hitler's?
 
2013-08-29 03:42:41 PM
Oh, I thought you were the other one in your profile picture...
 
2013-08-29 03:42:53 PM
I like your perfume.  You smell just like my mom!
 
2013-08-29 03:42:54 PM
"Do you even lift?
 
2013-08-29 03:43:04 PM
I'd give my father a handjo if that you mean you'll sleep with me tonight.
 
2013-08-29 03:43:07 PM
Hello, I'm Drew Curtis.
 
2013-08-29 03:43:09 PM
I live in my parents basement.
 
2013-08-29 03:43:11 PM
Any pictures of your mom?  Let's see the mileage, I wanna know if you're gonna get fatter.
 
2013-08-29 03:43:27 PM
And I was lost for words
In your arms
Attempting to make sense
Of my aching heart
If I could just be
Everything and everyone to you
This life would just be so easy
Not enough time for all
That I want for you
Not enough time for every kiss
And every touch and all the nights
I wanna be inside you
We will make time stop
For the two of us
Make time stop
And listen for our sighs
Not enough time for all
That I want for you
Not enough time for every kiss
And every touch and all the nights
I wanna be inside you
In our fight against the end
Making love we are immortal
We are the last two left on earth
And I was lost for words
In your arms
Attempting to make sense of
My aching heart
If I could just be everything
And everyone to you
Not enough time for all
That I want for you
Not enough time for every kiss
Not enough time for all my love
Not enough time for every touch
Not enough time for all
That I want for you
Not enough time for every kiss
And every touch and all the nights
I wanna be inside you
 
2013-08-29 03:43:31 PM

Ponzholio: Oh, I thought you were the other one in your profile picture...


hahahaha, yeah that would be pretty bad
 
2013-08-29 03:43:33 PM
"Hold my beer and watch this!"
 
2013-08-29 03:43:33 PM
I've never dated down before.
 
2013-08-29 03:43:49 PM
This is relevant to my interests.
 
2013-08-29 03:43:56 PM
So, I just got kicked out of my place. Can I crash with you for a while?
 
2013-08-29 03:44:00 PM
i need to swing by Home Depot to pick up more duct tape.
 
2013-08-29 03:44:14 PM
You remind me of your late sister.
 
2013-08-29 03:44:27 PM
I'm really not vain, I just love myself.
 
2013-08-29 03:44:27 PM
Do you shave? I only ask because I prefer my mates au naturel. On a related note how do you feel about arm pit play?
 
2013-08-29 03:44:38 PM
"Lots of women want to be with a boat captain."
 
2013-08-29 03:44:41 PM
It's been a fun evening, but I have to go home and feed my hostage.
 
2013-08-29 03:44:58 PM
don't worry, i'm not going to rape you.
 
2013-08-29 03:45:14 PM
Want to see my pickle collection?
 
2013-08-29 03:46:05 PM
Do you enjoy My Little Pony conventions?
 
2013-08-29 03:46:08 PM
Don't worry about that smell. It doesn't concern you.
 
2013-08-29 03:46:11 PM
Kissing is unnatural. Filthy when you think about it, and looking into some ones eyes makes me uncomfortable, but other than that I'm pretty much game for any thing legal.
 
2013-08-29 03:46:20 PM
I've been google searching you all week in anticipation.
 
2013-08-29 03:46:21 PM
I've decided to go ahead and get pregnant if I'm not married by this time next year.
 
2013-08-29 03:46:25 PM
I love you!
 
2013-08-29 03:46:35 PM
Geez, if they ever find out that I'm on a date, my wives are going to kill me.
 
2013-08-29 03:46:38 PM
"Most girls with a skirt that short just look like a huge whore. But you pull it off."
 
2013-08-29 03:46:54 PM
I like potatoes... sexually.
 
2013-08-29 03:46:58 PM
I wonder what our children would look like?
 
2013-08-29 03:47:10 PM
You don't sweat a lot for a fat girl.
 
2013-08-29 03:47:11 PM
I would love to see your nose upon my penis.
 
2013-08-29 03:47:27 PM
I can't wait to eat your pussy like a bag of sunflower seeds.
 
2013-08-29 03:47:42 PM
If I told you you had a nice body would you remove your clothes and let me play with myself while you squatted over there in the corner?
 
2013-08-29 03:47:47 PM
"I love you."
 
2013-08-29 03:47:56 PM
And here are the 427 reasons that Kirk was a better Captain than Picard...
 
2013-08-29 03:48:04 PM

jadeblue: "Most girls with a skirt that short just look like a huge whore. But you pull it off."


But I'd rather pull it off for you.  Meow.
gross.
 
2013-08-29 03:48:16 PM

GalFriday: I love you!


I think the word "love" itself should be taboo on first dates (eg: "I love your sense of humor").
 
2013-08-29 03:48:21 PM
I'm a level 92 on WoW
 
2013-08-29 03:48:25 PM
I like to scratch my skin flakes and eat them.
 
2013-08-29 03:48:27 PM
I hope we can wrap this up early, I have to meet my parole officer at 9am.
 
2013-08-29 03:48:31 PM
Are you familiar with the term "Cleveland Steamer"?
 
2013-08-29 03:48:39 PM
So...ass play?
 
2013-08-29 03:48:46 PM
My mom thinks I'm really swell.
 
2013-08-29 03:48:54 PM
What are your thoughts on ball gags?
 
2013-08-29 03:48:56 PM
wicmblog.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-08-29 03:49:03 PM
Can I pop that zip for you?
 
2013-08-29 03:49:17 PM
Ohhhh it's so cute!!
 
2013-08-29 03:49:19 PM
Oh, my mother's going to love you. She's always said I needed a girl with good birthing hips.
 
2013-08-29 03:49:20 PM
"Does anyone else know you're here?"
 
2013-08-29 03:49:24 PM
HAHAHA, jade!!
 
2013-08-29 03:49:30 PM
"So, how did you reject the patriarchy today?"
 
2013-08-29 03:49:51 PM
Ugh, that's it? Alright, let's get this over with.
 
2013-08-29 03:49:53 PM

EviLincoln: "Does anyone else know you're here?"


Does this rag smell like chloroform?
 
2013-08-29 03:49:54 PM
I am a really big deal on a certain internet community.
 
2013-08-29 03:50:03 PM
I really don't know how many children I have....  I mean, I've donated a LOT of sperm.
 
2013-08-29 03:50:19 PM

jadeblue: [wicmblog.files.wordpress.com image 610x468]


FAKE.

All 4 of them would be on their phones.
 
2013-08-29 03:50:38 PM
So I've recently been diagnosed with Bigorexia
 
2013-08-29 03:50:42 PM
Do you know the website, Fark.com?
 
2013-08-29 03:50:47 PM
Do you mind if I go change my diaper real quick? Wanna help!??
 
2013-08-29 03:50:51 PM
So, wanna make some babies?
 
2013-08-29 03:50:59 PM

DonWrite: EviLincoln: "Does anyone else know you're here?"

Does this rag smell like chloroform?


"You can't out run me in those shoes, so don't try"
 
2013-08-29 03:51:04 PM
"I'd like to talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."
 
2013-08-29 03:51:27 PM
You ever wonder what someone else's blood tastes like? I mean, is it the same? I bet yours is sweet.
 
2013-08-29 03:51:32 PM
"Are you familiar with the term 'genital topiary'"?
 
2013-08-29 03:51:34 PM
Oh my God! I have that same dress!
 
2013-08-29 03:51:46 PM
"Funny thing is you can't taste tranquilizers"
 
2013-08-29 03:51:51 PM
Keep it wet for me baby, I've gotta take a big dump.
 
2013-08-29 03:52:08 PM

CapeFearCadaver: So, wanna make some babies?


You'd be surprised...this worked for me once.
 
2013-08-29 03:52:12 PM

Current Resident: Oh my God! I have that same dress!


*shrug* that wouldn't bother me.
 
2013-08-29 03:52:19 PM
I just got out of prison and WHOO BOY! do I need to pound something!
 
2013-08-29 03:52:24 PM
"Nah, Thai food doesn't really sit well with my Valtrex. How about Chinese?"
 
2013-08-29 03:52:30 PM
Do you think this restaurant takes little bits of string as payment?
 
2013-08-29 03:52:31 PM

GalFriday: I love you!


I missed this the first time. :-/
 
2013-08-29 03:52:34 PM
What are your thoughts on communal living?
 
2013-08-29 03:52:41 PM
"What fetish sites do you go to?"
 
2013-08-29 03:52:46 PM
"My parents are waiting in the parking lot to meet you"
 
2013-08-29 03:52:47 PM
"I can't wait to peg you"
 
2013-08-29 03:52:55 PM

Al_Ed: CapeFearCadaver: So, wanna make some babies?

You'd be surprised...this worked for me once.


I just got an email....
 
2013-08-29 03:53:02 PM
We should get a drink. I'm going to need to be hammered to do what I got to do later on.
 
2013-08-29 03:53:02 PM
"Care to come back to my place and see my amateur taxidermy"?
 
2013-08-29 03:53:02 PM

jadeblue: GalFriday: I love you!

I missed this the first time. :-/


I SAID I LOVE YOU.
 
2013-08-29 03:53:07 PM

LlamaGirl: Current Resident: Oh my God! I have that same dress!

*shrug* that wouldn't bother me.


Oh my God!  My wife has that same dress!
 
2013-08-29 03:53:26 PM
"Hold on while I look up every single item on the menu on my Weight Watchers. com account."
 
2013-08-29 03:53:47 PM

CapeFearCadaver: Al_Ed: CapeFearCadaver: So, wanna make some babies?

You'd be surprised...this worked for me once.

I just got an email....


Huh?
 
2013-08-29 03:53:59 PM
I am a woman trapped in a man's body.

Or the other way around, depending on who's dating whom.
 
2013-08-29 03:54:00 PM
Did you get my email?
 
2013-08-29 03:54:03 PM

BusketsMcBride: jadeblue: GalFriday: I love you!

I missed this the first time. :-/

I SAID I LOVE YOU.


Hee!
 
2013-08-29 03:54:11 PM
What are your thoughts on Satan?
 
2013-08-29 03:54:19 PM
I really enjoy the erotic subtext of the Smurfs.
 
2013-08-29 03:54:39 PM
Fisting is not for everyone...
 
2013-08-29 03:54:49 PM
"You're beautiful...quite the change of scenery from the day-to-day at the seminary".
 
2013-08-29 03:54:57 PM

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: I am a really big deal on a certain internet community.


The amount of responsibility I have been given is beyond what most people could handle
 
2013-08-29 03:55:13 PM
"what happened to your eye, Quasimodo?"
 
2013-08-29 03:55:14 PM
Do you hold the ways of your ancestors and remember the face of your father?
 
2013-08-29 03:55:17 PM

Dance Party: I am a woman trapped in a man's body.


I am a woman trapped in a man's body trapped in a dungeon in my neighbor's basement.
 
2013-08-29 03:55:28 PM
You have the most interesting looking nostrils. They look so... lick-able.
 
2013-08-29 03:55:45 PM
"Lots of women don't understand that by letting a guy pay for dinner, you've entered into a contract essentially"
 
2013-08-29 03:55:49 PM
"UNGH, girl! You look tighter than a DRUM"!
 
2013-08-29 03:55:55 PM
I'm a wizard.
 
2013-08-29 03:56:20 PM

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: I really enjoy the erotic subtext of the Smurfs.


I am soooo stealing this line
 
2013-08-29 03:56:23 PM
Does this look infected?
 
2013-08-29 03:56:24 PM

LlamaGirl: "what happened to your eye, Quasimodo?"


:(
 
2013-08-29 03:56:27 PM
I don't know how you pronounce it in this country, but I believe it's called "feltching".
 
2013-08-29 03:56:42 PM
You will have the green salad and a side of asparagus only. That last is important. Feel free to drink as much as you want.
 
2013-08-29 03:56:43 PM
My relationship with my dog, Rex, is special.
 
2013-08-29 03:56:53 PM
*walk up to the hostess with your date*

"are you here for the gangbang too?!?"
 
2013-08-29 03:57:33 PM
I guess it wasn't really incest since my sister was dead.
 
2013-08-29 03:57:36 PM

LlamaGirl: "what happened to your eye, Quasimodo?"


I SAID LOOK AT ME!!!
 
2013-08-29 03:57:46 PM
I was Joan of Arc in a former life
 
2013-08-29 03:57:50 PM
and the way I see it, it's not stealing if it from a big multinational, and no one will notice, right?
 
2013-08-29 03:57:51 PM
"Let's say we skip dessert and go back to my place so I can eat Skittles out of your ass and record it and then we'll post it to YouTu...HEY! Where ya going"?!
 
2013-08-29 03:58:05 PM
"Sometimes women just don't understand how guys have feellings too and it MAKES ME SO ANGRY"
 
2013-08-29 03:58:27 PM
I can't wait to show you my collection of Precious Moments figurines!
 
2013-08-29 03:58:32 PM
Whoa! Did you really think you could pull off the sultry look, lardbutt?
 
2013-08-29 03:58:34 PM
Sorry if I seem cranky today but I think I'm ovulating. So...do you like kids?
 
2013-08-29 03:59:08 PM
"I'm an architect of sorts...I actually design home dungeons".
 
2013-08-29 03:59:29 PM
I don't believe in tipping.
 
2013-08-29 03:59:36 PM
"My therapist told me the 396 ways that 9/11 was an inside job. I'd like you to help spread the word."
 
2013-08-29 04:00:15 PM
"You're much more sexy than the picture in your profile. Lucky for me I'm not having a flare up"!
 
2013-08-29 04:00:23 PM
Mother thinks it's great that you came out with me this evening.
 
2013-08-29 04:00:27 PM
you are so beautiful, I wanna wear you like a hat
 
2013-08-29 04:00:30 PM
Do you think you could fit a kilo of something up your butthole?
 
2013-08-29 04:00:41 PM
"Why i'm telling you this will soon become apparent: it will hurt less if you push out"
 
2013-08-29 04:00:58 PM
Do you even have a mirror in your house because those shoes with that dress?
 
2013-08-29 04:01:05 PM
"Let me tell you about the Government Contrail Program".
 
2013-08-29 04:01:15 PM
While we have this moment alone, can I share with you some of the wisdom of the Church of Scientology?
 
2013-08-29 04:01:44 PM
"Oh, these? Costco shrimp".
 
2013-08-29 04:02:06 PM
"Don't you think the whole sufferage thing is bullsh*t?"
 
2013-08-29 04:02:20 PM
Sometimes it's so obvious that I just have to laugh you know. I mean, there is was in front of our faces all along, right? Like David Koresh man. He totally got it.
 
2013-08-29 04:02:28 PM
The way that I look at it, anyone who's dating someone who's a child at heart is the real pedophile.
 
2013-08-29 04:03:02 PM

Al_Ed: "Oh, these? Costco shrimp".


Genuine spit take.

Well done.
 
2013-08-29 04:03:03 PM
How many healthy kidneys do you have?
 
2013-08-29 04:03:09 PM
"Well it's funny you should ask that. And no, I only take the fedora off to shower"
 
2013-08-29 04:03:28 PM
Do you bleach your anus?
 
2013-08-29 04:03:52 PM
You remind me of Lindsey Lohan.
 
2013-08-29 04:04:09 PM
"I don't have coupons for this restaurant"
 
2013-08-29 04:04:24 PM
"I like your skin. No. I mean, I REALLY like your skin, it's so elasticized and stretchy..... Oh, what was that? Sorry, I was daydreaming about what I'm going to do with it... um, I mean with you, later *wink*"
 
2013-08-29 04:04:35 PM
So long story short I have been reserving my seed for tonight.
 
2013-08-29 04:05:20 PM

EviLincoln: "I don't have coupons for this restaurant"


"Tell them you're under 12 to eat off the kids menu... oh, you really are under 12? SWEET!"
 
2013-08-29 04:05:20 PM
"You remind me of my late wife, Nicole Brown".
 
2013-08-29 04:05:21 PM
"Does the phrase 'No one can hear you scream' turn you on? "
 
2013-08-29 04:05:56 PM

Ponzholio: EviLincoln: "I don't have coupons for this restaurant"

"Tell them you're under 12 to eat off the kids menu... oh, you really are under 12? SWEET!"


"The lady will have the corndog"
 
2013-08-29 04:05:57 PM
I'm not going to lie to you: Best case scenario it's still going to be plenty uncomfortable.
 
2013-08-29 04:05:59 PM
Do you know anything about prison gang tattoos?
 
2013-08-29 04:06:12 PM
"Have you ever been properly fitted for a ball gag"?
 
2013-08-29 04:06:52 PM
"Nah, there's no way I could fit you in my freezer... Your head, sure. But not your entire body."
 
2013-08-29 04:07:02 PM
Have you heard any rumors about illegal human trafficking in the area?
 
2013-08-29 04:07:04 PM
Apparently Muncie Indiana has a strictly enforced public nudity law.
 
2013-08-29 04:07:04 PM
"There was an accident, involving my penis, years back."
 
2013-08-29 04:07:13 PM
Will you marry me?
 
2013-08-29 04:07:23 PM
I knew you were the right one when I kept coming back to pleasure myself to your profile picture.
 
2013-08-29 04:07:36 PM
"I know where there's a really nice Long John Silvers"
 
2013-08-29 04:07:39 PM
"You remind me so much of my ex-wife!"
 
2013-08-29 04:07:47 PM
Hello. My name's Dave and I'm an alcoholic.
 
2013-08-29 04:08:11 PM
"You didn't google my name did you?"
 
2013-08-29 04:08:20 PM
"In accordance with Megan's Law, I am required to tell you..."
 
2013-08-29 04:08:27 PM

EviLincoln: "I know where there's a really nice Long John Silvers"


SPOONY!
 
2013-08-29 04:08:30 PM
'Dead beat dad' is such a negative term don't you think?
 
2013-08-29 04:08:46 PM
"You'd be surprised the things that will land a person on a sex offender registry".
 
2013-08-29 04:08:51 PM
Oh, I'm really into reading. I'm just finishing The Turner Diaries for the 5th time.
 
2013-08-29 04:08:54 PM

CapeFearCadaver: EviLincoln: "I know where there's a really nice Long John Silvers"

SPOONY!


LOL
 
2013-08-29 04:09:26 PM
Do you know how to get dog blood out of linen?
 
2013-08-29 04:09:34 PM
"You remind me of my mother..just not in the sexy way".
 
2013-08-29 04:09:40 PM
"Can I get a look at your feet, now?"
 
2013-08-29 04:09:45 PM
Being charged is not the same as being convicted
 
2013-08-29 04:10:16 PM
You're getting dessert? *snert* I hope you make your Saving Throw against fatass.
 
2013-08-29 04:10:22 PM
I want to find something out about your cat, quick, hand me your lipstick.
 
2013-08-29 04:10:34 PM
Everything I know about sex I learned from 50 Shades of Gray.
 
2013-08-29 04:10:35 PM
"So how attached are you to your kids?"
 
2013-08-29 04:10:39 PM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Being charged is not the same as being convicted


... I mean, the trial IS next month, but...
 
2013-08-29 04:10:41 PM

Al_Ed: :(


loooooooove you
 
2013-08-29 04:10:55 PM
I'll never forget the first time you kissed me, now I want you to fist me.
 
2013-08-29 04:11:27 PM
"We split up shortly after a snorkeling trip to Aruba".
 
2013-08-29 04:11:35 PM
"So, what are you... a size 12? 14? *sigh*"
 
2013-08-29 04:11:45 PM
"I gotta take the green pills every four hours or I start screaming"
 
2013-08-29 04:12:02 PM

LlamaGirl: Al_Ed: :(

loooooooove you


I know.
 
2013-08-29 04:12:13 PM
And once when I was five I was repeatedly molested by my Uncle. I spent years in therapy, but damn, that man knew how to give a handy.
 
2013-08-29 04:12:20 PM
Do you spit or swallow?
 
2013-08-29 04:12:50 PM
"Do you have any experience with putting a bridle on a ma..HORSE! On a horse"?
 
2013-08-29 04:12:56 PM
Do you smell fish?
 
2013-08-29 04:12:57 PM

Al_Ed: "We split up shortly after a snorkeling trip to Aruba".


"Hey, I have two tickets to go to Aruba next week. Wanna come? You don't have to do anything you don't want to, promise."
 
2013-08-29 04:12:58 PM
Anyways, apparently cabaret laws even apply in funeral homes.
 
2013-08-29 04:13:32 PM
Goo!  Gaah!  Waaaaahhhhhhhhhh!  *pouty face* Change me, I made a stinky!

or

You're really making my Pampers tent.
 
2013-08-29 04:13:41 PM

CapeFearCadaver: Al_Ed: "We split up shortly after a snorkeling trip to Aruba".

"Hey, I have two tickets to go to Aruba next week. Wanna come? You don't have to do anything you don't want to, promise."


HA!
 
2013-08-29 04:13:57 PM
I think yoru roommate has a great sense of humor
 
2013-08-29 04:14:04 PM
you kiss better than my mother
 
2013-08-29 04:14:16 PM

CapeFearCadaver: Al_Ed: "We split up shortly after a snorkeling trip to Aruba".

"Hey, I have two tickets to go to Aruba next week. Wanna come? You don't have to do anything you don't want to, promise."


WINNER!
 
2013-08-29 04:14:24 PM
"Do you prefer regular or butter-flavored Crisco"?
 
2013-08-29 04:14:46 PM
Your hands a especially dainty. That'll come in handy later.
 
2013-08-29 04:15:35 PM
Please, call me Senator.
 
2013-08-29 04:15:45 PM
is it considered a threesome if my dog licks your butt during sex?
 
2013-08-29 04:16:00 PM
You ever see that show Hoarders?
 
2013-08-29 04:16:00 PM
"Oh...I thought the profile meant 'twenty eight-year-olds', that's why I suggested we meet a Disneyland"
 
2013-08-29 04:16:14 PM
You kiss better than  Heathen's mother.
 
2013-08-29 04:16:31 PM
"Wanna come outside real quick and see something that I have in my trunk? It's reeeally cool.... What's that? Oh, if I tell you then it'll ruin the surprise!.... No really, please?"

That one actually happened to me once.
 
2013-08-29 04:16:37 PM

R.A.Danny: You kiss better than  Heathen's mother.


PROVE IT!
 
2013-08-29 04:16:59 PM
"Oh, him? My conjoined twin. Don't worry..he won't watch".
 
2013-08-29 04:17:13 PM

CapeFearCadaver: "Wanna come outside real quick and see something that I have in my trunk? It's reeeally cool.... What's that? Oh, if I tell you then it'll ruin the surprise!.... No really, please?"

That one actually happened to me once.


you have no sense of adventure
 
2013-08-29 04:17:17 PM
YOU WILL BE PLEASING TO THE DARK LORD!
 
2013-08-29 04:18:15 PM
Sorry, I was watching the Ryan Reynolds movie and all of a sudden BAM, I'm gay.
 
2013-08-29 04:18:24 PM

CapeFearCadaver: That one actually happened to me once.


O.O
 
2013-08-29 04:18:52 PM

CapeFearCadaver: "Wanna come outside real quick and see something that I have in my trunk? It's reeeally cool.... What's that? Oh, if I tell you then it'll ruin the surprise!.... No really, please?"

That one actually happened to me once.


What was in the trunk?
 
2013-08-29 04:19:12 PM
"I've seen every episode of iCarly".
 
2013-08-29 04:19:17 PM
You know, the Y chromosome is really an incomplete X chromosome. So men are really just damaged women.
 
2013-08-29 04:19:24 PM
Is it OK if my brother comes along?
 
2013-08-29 04:19:35 PM
"You don't take direction very well"
 
2013-08-29 04:19:38 PM
Can I chew your hair?
 
2013-08-29 04:20:09 PM
"I came before the entrees...sorry"!
 
2013-08-29 04:20:13 PM

Heathen: you have no sense of adventure


Current Resident: O.O


Wasn't a date. Just some creepy guy who came up to me while I was at the bar for a friends band playing.
 
2013-08-29 04:20:22 PM
So last night, on TotalFark...
 
2013-08-29 04:20:41 PM
Are you familiar with the term blumkin?
 
2013-08-29 04:20:46 PM
"It is hard"!
 
2013-08-29 04:20:47 PM
"This was surprisingly fun.  Normally I don't date someone just for their personality."
 
2013-08-29 04:21:11 PM

EviLincoln: CapeFearCadaver: "Wanna come outside real quick and see something that I have in my trunk? It's reeeally cool.... What's that? Oh, if I tell you then it'll ruin the surprise!.... No really, please?"

That one actually happened to me once.

What was in the trunk?


laxallstars.com

WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK!
 
2013-08-29 04:21:24 PM
"Wow. You eat those breadsticks like it's your job"
 
2013-08-29 04:21:29 PM
"Ever heard of MLP?"
 
2013-08-29 04:21:35 PM
I'll have the num num lobster
 
2013-08-29 04:21:38 PM
You know, women are a lot like men except for the genitals.
 
2013-08-29 04:21:38 PM
You seem really nice, so I'm choosing to ignore the voices.
 
2013-08-29 04:22:18 PM

EviLincoln: "Wow. You eat those breadsticks like it's your job"


lol
 
2013-08-29 04:22:22 PM
"I've got a speculum with your name written alllll over it"!
 
2013-08-29 04:22:43 PM

Heathen: R.A.Danny: You kiss better than  Heathen's mother.

PROVE IT!


ferretman, Angry Drunk Bureaucrat, Ponzholio, Al_Ed, DonWrite, and  slayer199 will totally back me up on that.
 
2013-08-29 04:22:44 PM
"Your voice sounds like a little girl, I really like that"
 
2013-08-29 04:22:57 PM
This may seem a little forward, but since it's already out there, would you mind giving me a footie?
 
2013-08-29 04:23:11 PM
Afterwards we can go back to my house and stomp around my son's trainset. Also, I hope you like imitation crab meat.
 
2013-08-29 04:23:19 PM
Tequila makes me horny.

*takes shot*

I always have it when I go out with the girls
 
2013-08-29 04:23:32 PM
"Wanna see my Barbie collection"?
 
2013-08-29 04:24:18 PM
Have you ever farked on the train tracks with a locomotive bearing down on you, babe? It's farking intense.
 
2013-08-29 04:24:27 PM
"The relationship between me and my dog is strictly platonic....now".
 
2013-08-29 04:24:35 PM
"Do you know birds feed their young? They spit the food into the babies mouth. . .you ever do that?"
 
2013-08-29 04:25:03 PM
There's a slight, but very real chance that I may need a pint of your blood tonight.
 
2013-08-29 04:25:28 PM
Sorry I'm gonna have to cut this date short, but I have to be at the gym in 26 minutes.
 
2013-08-29 04:25:30 PM
"You've got bingo wings that won't quit"
 
2013-08-29 04:25:36 PM
"Let's go back to your place. Don't worry, I know the way."
 
2013-08-29 04:25:52 PM
Do you have a recent picture of your mother handy?
 
2013-08-29 04:26:19 PM
[redacted]

Christ, I can be a sicko!
 
2013-08-29 04:26:31 PM

Spoon over Marin: I'll have the num num lobster


So we are going there? Throw in Zaire, tacos, and homoculus and we might have something.
 
2013-08-29 04:26:32 PM
Do you love twilight? cause I'm obsessed
 
2013-08-29 04:26:44 PM
You know what he'd say, don't you?

www.mbird.com
 
2013-08-29 04:26:58 PM
"I haven't been out much lately, my guild has been really active."
 
2013-08-29 04:27:24 PM
I'm definitely thinking doggie, if at all.
 
2013-08-29 04:27:34 PM
"I'mma bang you like I do the macaroni and cheese from Boston Market"!
 
2013-08-29 04:27:36 PM
"Oh, this is my mom's car"
 
2013-08-29 04:27:55 PM
I'm going to need the money up front or else my pimp will stab me again.
 
2013-08-29 04:27:59 PM
And as soon as mom dies I get the upstairs bedroom and the big mattress!
 
2013-08-29 04:28:15 PM
"Wanna watch porn on my phone while we wait for the appetizer?"
 
2013-08-29 04:28:23 PM

EviLincoln: "Oh, this is my mom's car"


"Oh, this is my mom's tie"
 
2013-08-29 04:28:40 PM
"I don't like to brag but I do hold the mid-Atlantic record for most cheddar biscuits consumed at a Red Lobster"!
 
2013-08-29 04:29:00 PM
You know, I always open up the restaurant menu hoping that they'll be serving long pig. They never do, but a fellow can dream, can't he?
 
2013-08-29 04:29:17 PM
You don't mind if some of my LARP group tags along, do you?
 
2013-08-29 04:29:20 PM
So I spend a lot of time on this great website called Fark. Let me tell you all about it!
 
2013-08-29 04:29:35 PM
"Would you believe it? I got mugged on the way here. No, I'm fine, but it was just crazy and kinda surreal. Say, since they stole my wallet, could you pay for dinner?"
 
2013-08-29 04:29:47 PM
Wanna go half-sies on a lap dance?
 
2013-08-29 04:29:56 PM
"The doctor said it was gonorrhea but what does that quack know"?!
 
2013-08-29 04:30:06 PM
Wow, I really shouldn't have taken that laxative before eating all that Indian food. The toilet looks like the Ganges after a mudslide.
 
2013-08-29 04:30:09 PM
"Do you know Brandy? She's a slut."
 
2013-08-29 04:30:41 PM
And since I'm adopted, there's a real chance that we could be brother and sister.
 
2013-08-29 04:30:46 PM
"I find the smell of urine to be an aphrodisiac, wouldn't you agree"?
 
2013-08-29 04:30:50 PM
So...what's YOUR cutie mark?
 
2013-08-29 04:30:52 PM
/At end of meal

What's 5 percent of 16.43?
 
2013-08-29 04:31:22 PM
"I just pooped...no, like just now"!
 
2013-08-29 04:32:29 PM
What size is your left ring finger?
 
2013-08-29 04:32:43 PM
"I really shouldn't be dating this soon out of rehab, but your profile really spoke to me."
 
2013-08-29 04:33:02 PM
"Are you big into hygiene? I'm kinda sick of it"
 
2013-08-29 04:33:04 PM
"You have small hands...which is good because that'll make my cock seem bigger".
 
2013-08-29 04:33:52 PM
You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars?
 
2013-08-29 04:33:55 PM

James!: "I really shouldn't be dating this soon out of rehab, but your profile really spoke to me."


"By the way, do you have any vicodin?"
 
2013-08-29 04:34:49 PM
Can I borrow your napkin, I just came.
 
2013-08-29 04:34:55 PM
"I have a costume in the car, you can change on the way"
 
2013-08-29 04:35:16 PM
It's a cigarette burn, not a herpe.
 
2013-08-29 04:35:45 PM
So, have you ever robbed a bank before or are we winging it here?
 
2013-08-29 04:35:52 PM
Are you really going to wear that?
 
2013-08-29 04:36:07 PM
You know what, I jerked off in the car so let's just call it a night.
 
2013-08-29 04:36:24 PM
can you roll a joint?
 
2013-08-29 04:36:58 PM
"Sorry I'm late, I didn't realize we were coming into the restaurant.  I thought you'd just blow me in my van."
 
2013-08-29 04:37:08 PM
"Oh, what I do for a living? That's a hard question to answer"
 
2013-08-29 04:37:32 PM
I find wearing women's panties both sexually exciting and calming at the same time. Guess what color I have on now.
 
2013-08-29 04:37:46 PM
"How much money do you make? Am I paying for you to suck off of the government's teet?"
 
2013-08-29 04:37:52 PM
"Are you intimidated by a man in a leather corset?"
 
2013-08-29 04:38:14 PM
"You remind me of that one Queen song."
 
2013-08-29 04:38:19 PM
Can you fit that whole breadstick in your mouth?

What?

Because it's gonna be relevant later, that's why.
 
2013-08-29 04:38:38 PM

Al_Ed: "You have small hands...which is good because that'll make my cock seem bigger".


No adult has hand THAT small.....
 
2013-08-29 04:39:04 PM
"This pamphlet will explain most of my political beliefs"
 
2013-08-29 04:39:33 PM
"You may recognize me from my rape trial, it got pretty big."
 
2013-08-29 04:39:43 PM
"Using silverware is for squares, i'm an artist"
 
2013-08-29 04:40:16 PM
"It sure was difficult to find someone with Kallmann syndrome"
 
2013-08-29 04:40:48 PM
"So, uh, you feeling tired yet?"
 
2013-08-29 04:40:50 PM
You don't live within 1000 feet of a school, do you?
 
2013-08-29 04:40:57 PM
But I was never convicted, so that doesn't count, right?
 
2013-08-29 04:40:59 PM
What do you know about sovereign citizenry?
 
2013-08-29 04:41:11 PM
"Have you always been a woman?"
 
2013-08-29 04:41:42 PM
"You mind that I brought my Dakimakura with me? She'll just sit in this empty seat and not make a sound.... where are you going?!"
 
2013-08-29 04:42:06 PM
"Ha, no, I don't work with kids I just spend a lot of time watching them... You have any?"
 
2013-08-29 04:43:18 PM
"No, I don't work out, my arms are that big from masturbating furiously."
 
2013-08-29 04:44:10 PM
"You sure talk a lot"
 
2013-08-29 04:44:50 PM

nmrsnr: Sorry I'm gonna have to cut this date short, but I have to be at the gym in 26 minutes.


***shakes tiny fist***
 
2013-08-29 04:46:18 PM
I don't think using a ventriloquist dummy counts as a three way, but trust me, it'll rock your world!
 
2013-08-29 04:46:59 PM
"Well this all looks good.  I think I'm going to have two of these steaks... probably a side of potatoes and a side of bacon... Can I just get a bowl of ranch? Yeah, like a soup bowl. for dipping. Jeeze... I'll have the chicken too. And that's it.  Oh wait! Mozzarella sticks.  And whatever she wants."
 
2013-08-29 04:47:11 PM
"Do you mind if we swing by the morgue on the way home, I need to drop someone off."
 
2013-08-29 04:50:11 PM
Sure I'm still technically married, but only til they find the body and pronounce her dead. I have a hunch that won't be any time soon, though.
 
2013-08-29 04:50:12 PM
"What if I told you I was wearing a butt plug right now? Wait, hang on! I brought one for you too!"
 
2013-08-29 04:50:46 PM
"Racial purity is important to me"
 
2013-08-29 04:51:23 PM
"You're gonna love my wife!"
 
2013-08-29 04:51:59 PM
"Momma told me readers ain't breeders"
 
2013-08-29 04:52:31 PM
Read? Books? Who has time for that crap?
 
2013-08-29 04:52:31 PM

EviLincoln: "You're gonna love my wife!"


"My wife is going to love you!"
 
2013-08-29 04:52:33 PM
"I've had sex before... well sort of."
 
2013-08-29 04:53:26 PM
*whispers* I can't speak freely they are listening.
 
2013-08-29 04:53:41 PM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: EviLincoln: "You're gonna love my wife!"

"My wife is going to love you!"


"Fair warning... My wife gets REALLY jealous."
 
2013-08-29 04:54:02 PM
"would you like come back to my place and try some puppy flambé?"
 
2013-08-29 04:55:03 PM
"Man, I was practically raised by 70's porn."
 
2013-08-29 04:56:00 PM
Nice shoes. Let's fark.
 
2013-08-29 04:56:35 PM
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
 
2013-08-29 04:56:50 PM
"I don't care what the police say, that horse raped me!"
 
2013-08-29 04:56:59 PM
So this is what your 5 bucks gets you.

zzzzzzz........
 
2013-08-29 04:58:31 PM
This is CapeFearCadaver.  She's our chaperone, just like on Love Connection.  Act up and b*tch will cut you in two and two.
 
2013-08-29 04:58:32 PM
"God chose me for you... but not just for you... also her."
 
2013-08-29 04:58:56 PM
"I'm required by law to tell you I'm a registered sex offender, but it's really not as bad as it sounds."
 
2013-08-29 04:59:37 PM
What do you think of that [Insert Farkers Name Here], man that [pronoun] is a real [adjective]. Am I right?
 
2013-08-29 05:00:03 PM
"This date is bullshiat. Say, you think those two at the bar would be up for a three-way?"
 
2013-08-29 05:01:18 PM
(To be used after sex, if you get it on the first date) "So, if I told you - and this is just a hypothetical - if I told you I might have herpes, what would you say?"
 
2013-08-29 05:01:20 PM
"I'm not saying fat people should be culled, but do we really have to look at them eat?"
 
2013-08-29 05:02:32 PM
"Yeah, I've got a 5 inch taint."
 
2013-08-29 05:02:33 PM
Well, you don't look like much, but I'll kick the spare tire and see how fast you'll go.
 
2013-08-29 05:04:28 PM
"This is probably going to come out sooner or later, so..." Unzips pants.
 
2013-08-29 05:05:45 PM
"I bet you could charge $200 to $400 a night with those lips and that one good eye."
 
2013-08-29 05:07:50 PM
"Gosh, you sure look fancy. Gosh... I only brought $20 but I can ask my mom for more. She's outside, I'll be back."
 
2013-08-29 05:08:14 PM

Nana's Vibrator: This is CapeFearCadaver.  She's our chaperone, just like on Love Connection.  Act up and b*tch will cut you in two and two.


Dawww, I ♥ you too!

Also, thanks Mods :)
 
2013-08-29 05:10:03 PM
"I used to be a furry, but now I'm just a Clopper. I got tired of everyone wanting to be cats and dogs and dragons so now I'm a pony!"
 
2013-08-29 05:10:21 PM
"My doctor said my HIV miraculously healed."
 
2013-08-29 05:10:50 PM

EviLincoln: "Wow. You eat those breadsticks like it's your job"


That cracked me up. Nicely done.
 
2013-08-29 05:10:55 PM
"I'll be having two double shots of Wild Turkey and two Icehouses; the lady with have a Michelob Lite."
 
2013-08-29 05:11:51 PM

offmymeds: (To be used after sex, if you get it on the first date) "So, if I told you - and this is just a hypothetical - if I told you I might have herpes, what would you say?"


wrong wrong wrong. As you are walking out of your one night stand, just before you shut the door, you call out to your lover...

"By the way, you should probably get yourself checked."
 
2013-08-29 05:12:11 PM
What's your fark or reddit handle?
 
2013-08-29 05:12:25 PM
"I've got an Alex Jones book you should borrow.  It'll change your life."
 
2013-08-29 05:12:58 PM
"Valtrex has given me my life back"
 
2013-08-29 05:13:22 PM

GreenSun: "My doctor said my HIV miraculously healed."


"Can I become your blood brother, Mr. Johnson? Or should I call you Magic?"
 
2013-08-29 05:13:43 PM
You probably won't mother my children, but dammit, we'll make it fun!
 
2013-08-29 05:13:46 PM
Stop looking at me!
 
2013-08-29 05:13:52 PM
Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?
Hey, Ma! The meatloaf!
 
2013-08-29 05:14:02 PM
 Girl you're juicier than a barrel full of fresh corn squeezuns.
 
2013-08-29 05:14:35 PM
"Have you read 'Dianetics' by L. Ron Hubbard?"
 
2013-08-29 05:14:42 PM
"Got any meth?"
 
2013-08-29 05:14:46 PM
I follow the British Heirarchy...And tomorrow I'm gonna be The Queen.
 
2013-08-29 05:14:59 PM
"I have an idea for a light-up Ted Bundy dashboard doll!"

///actually spoken on a first date
//not by me
/kind of killed the whole deal right there
 
2013-08-29 05:15:41 PM
"Do you like to play marco polo, where's waldo, or duck duck goose?"
 
2013-08-29 05:15:49 PM
What the doctors don't tell you is how much priapism hurts.  Still, I knew this was our first date, so I came anyway.  I just wish there was something I could do about it.
 
2013-08-29 05:16:20 PM
Look, this hard on isn't going to take care of itself.
 
2013-08-29 05:17:00 PM
Can I have my Valtrex pen back?  It's a family heirloom.  My mom gave it to me, well, kind of.  

You probably shouldn't chew on the lid anyway.
 
2013-08-29 05:17:38 PM
"Can you get me my roofies?"
 
2013-08-29 05:18:09 PM
"I eat anti-depressants like they're candy"
 
2013-08-29 05:18:52 PM
Say, did you used to be a man?
 
2013-08-29 05:19:11 PM

HoratioGates: What the doctors don't tell you is how much priapism hurts.  Still, I knew this was our first date, so I came anyway.  I just wish there was something I could do about it.


"I've been hard for 4 hours, and my doctor said to call you."
 
2013-08-29 05:19:50 PM
*at Chez Paris fine dining*

My family has been in the salt water taffy business for years but I'm a method actor preparing for my role in the Miracle Worker.

What do you do.  Oh garcon?  Could you refill our Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!  Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhtaaaaaahhhhh!  Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!
 
2013-08-29 05:20:45 PM
"You can have anything you'd like on the menu as long as it's on the dollar menu."
 
2013-08-29 05:21:13 PM
So Ann, I used to be homeless, but I'm in public housing now.  It's a good thing we live in a welfare state.  I read your bio online, well skimmed it.  You are pretty famous!  So, how do you pronounce your last name Culture, Cold Tear, Coulter.

My what big hands you have.  Um, you're choking me.  You're cho cho...
 
2013-08-29 05:21:38 PM
"Have we met before?.... HOLY shiat! I know who you are! You're Fat Claire from high school! BWahahahahaa! Oh god, FAT F*CKING CLAIRE! HAHA, can't wait until I tell the guys about this!"
*pulls out smartphone*
 
2013-08-29 05:21:40 PM
i39.tinypic.com
 
2013-08-29 05:22:10 PM
I don't often have sex on the first date, but when I do...
 
2013-08-29 05:23:22 PM
So should I get the hotel room for the full hour?
 
2013-08-29 05:24:29 PM
just a bookmark for later when I can use these lines, carry on
 
2013-08-29 05:24:53 PM
I am unemployed.
 
2013-08-29 05:25:05 PM
Shaved, waxed, or au natural?
 
2013-08-29 05:26:00 PM
So.......you said your got herpes from your brother, but your mom said that wasn't entirely true.
 
2013-08-29 05:26:36 PM

robbrie: Shaved, waxed, or au natural?


"Do the carpets match the drapes?"
 
2013-08-29 05:27:14 PM
"Ben Affleck will be the best Batman ever!"
 
2013-08-29 05:28:30 PM
you know that movie 40 Year Old Virgin?
 
2013-08-29 05:29:37 PM

robbrie: Shaved, waxed, or au natural?


How is it down there? Do you have the Yul Brynner,Clitler or Don King?
 
2013-08-29 05:29:52 PM
daywin: "just a bookmark for later" when I can use these lines, carry on

/carry on
 
2013-08-29 05:30:23 PM
Hi - my name's Lorena Bobbitt
 
2013-08-29 05:32:59 PM
"Sorry, I have to take this, it's my wife."
 
2013-08-29 05:35:11 PM
I love to hunt. Do you like to hide?
 
2013-08-29 05:35:13 PM
I am SOOO glad I'm not in the middle of an outbreak right now.
 
2013-08-29 05:37:01 PM
Wanna go watch my DVD of Geppetto?
 
2013-08-29 05:37:25 PM
As far as you know, this is a date.....got it?
 
2013-08-29 05:38:07 PM
"What do you mean your cat sprays when it gets excited? I thought you didn't have any pets."
 
2013-08-29 05:38:14 PM
"Hi, my name is Moderator."
 
2013-08-29 05:38:27 PM
[turns on radio] "Oh, man, I love this song. I relate to it so much. Don't stand, don't stand so, don't stand so close to me."
 
2013-08-29 05:38:33 PM
You bloated today, or is this your normal look?
 
2013-08-29 05:39:01 PM
i39.tinypic.com
 
2013-08-29 05:40:51 PM
Well this is gonna be a great date! I felt so numb on those meds but feeling much more myself now that I quit taking them.
 
2013-08-29 05:41:52 PM
"Just in case anyone should happen to ask you, just say that we were together the whole night, and that I wasn't anywhere near Main Street at 1am tonight. Just in case."
 
2013-08-29 05:42:51 PM
I believe in equality, so how about you pick up the tab?
 
2013-08-29 05:43:42 PM
CSB:

From A Serbian friend of mine back in the 90's:

"I used to think you looked good, now that I see you in those shorts, I think 'Not so Much'."

The next day he came up to me at work and say "What it mean when girl says you 'Shallow'?"

LOL, I had to ask him if she was talking about a body of water or him, then he told me that he was trying to be nice when he told her the above bit...
 
2013-08-29 05:43:49 PM
Do you like movies about gladiators?
 
2013-08-29 05:45:22 PM
We'll have such cute kids!
 
2013-08-29 05:46:00 PM
I have Daddy issues.  Will you spank me?
 
2013-08-29 05:46:35 PM
"I'm George Zimmerman, nice to meet you"
 
2013-08-29 05:46:40 PM
Do you know what a blumpkin is?
 
2013-08-29 05:47:01 PM
If you're not sure, get some help from friends or colleagues

i39.tinypic.com
 
2013-08-29 05:47:27 PM
"Tits of GTFO."
 
2013-08-29 05:49:22 PM
"Pick a number between 1 and 10."
"Ummmm, seven?"
"Oh my God, that is exactly how many times I am going to stab you!"
 
2013-08-29 05:49:37 PM
A quite funny book about academic with Aspergers trying to find a wife

http://bitsofbooks.com/the-rosie-project.html
 
2013-08-29 05:50:24 PM
If any police ask, the donkey was the one who wanted it.
 
2013-08-29 05:50:33 PM

jadeblue: "I'd like to talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."


Actually happened to me.

/She was pretty
//Ran so fast
 
2013-08-29 05:50:47 PM
So, let's see... about me... my exes were all real harpies.  I wouldn't say it made me hate women, but I need to know up front you aren't going to by a b**** and complain to the police just because I'm cooking in the trailer.  I ain't rich enough to have a RV like those guys on TV.  It's all part of the package.  Look, I'm not some sort of loser.  I pulled down 5 figures 3 of the last 6 years and when this workers comp thing comes through I'm buying an '83 Trans Am my neighbor is selling.  Imagine seeing that sitting out in front of the trailer?  Wooey, that will look sweet.  It will be like an extra bedroom, so we'll be able to screw even when Momma has her men over.  I don't begrudge her that.  She's 58 and she didn't put much money away for retirement, so she's got to work while the men will still pay.  That's why I got her the breast lift last year.

---

What, hooker?  No...

No.  My Momma's not a hooker.  She's a stripper.  aaaa... that reminds me of a story, but that's not really a dinner time story, well, okay, you see this one time, before she lost the weight, my and my cousin put up a pole in her bedroom.  She said she could make more money that way, anyway, my cousin, well he was always a practical joker.  He put the vaseline on there.  Man, that cat never so it coming.  You just hear this meooooooooo... splat.  Waiter, yeah, yeah, I forgot to mention, can we spit the check now, or do we have to do it up at the register?

She ain't never let anyone touch her except my dear departed dad, unless it was a threesome.  (Shudder)  I boy shouldn't have to watch that.  I mean, I know he was a porn star, but seeing that just reminded me that he wasn't my real dad, that I could never measure up.

Say, how about you?  I hear you graduated high school.  Don't think that makes you better than me.

Sure... yeah, I should hit the head too.  No sneaking out the back window.  No seriously.  I'm not losing another one that way.  Momma's out back in the pickup with a shotgun and a box of bonbons.  You don't want to cross her when her sugar is up, and she want's some grandkids, ASAP.  Don't bother with the cellphone either.  She's got a jammer she got from Mexico.

Now, names, I'm negotiable.  As long as one gets named Billy Ray and one gets named Miley, you can name the rest.

Wow.  This is a great night.  Imagine, I come all this way to meet my half-sister I never met, and instead... or should I say, in addition... I meet future wife number 6!  Can't get to lucky 7 without going through 6 first!  Say, what's your social security number anyway?
 
2013-08-29 05:51:14 PM

slayer199: Do you spit or swallow?


How's your gag reflex?
 
2013-08-29 05:51:14 PM
Those stories you've heard about me? Well, none of them are true.
 
2013-08-29 05:51:15 PM
Mom?
 
2013-08-29 05:51:18 PM
"Hey, wanna see how close I can steer this cruise ship to that coastline?"
 
2013-08-29 05:51:25 PM
Let's order champagne. Don't worry, I got the bill. Just got my divorce settlement and my lawyers took my jerk of an ex to the cleaners!
 
2013-08-29 05:54:44 PM
"Hey Roring, jag har en tums penis."
 
2013-08-29 05:55:58 PM
Who's your favorite Power Ranger?
 
2013-08-29 05:56:56 PM
"One part of me wants to be real nice and sweet, and the other part wonders what your head would look like on a stick."
 
2013-08-29 05:57:57 PM
I'm not sure why, but I keep getting women pregnant.
 
2013-08-29 05:58:00 PM
Damn you don't look as good as my ex and she is two tables over from us.
 
2013-08-29 05:58:47 PM
I just got circumcision reversal surgery. Check it out!
 
2013-08-29 06:00:23 PM
I'm Batman!
 
2013-08-29 06:02:45 PM
Does this rag smell like chloroform?
 
2013-08-29 06:03:28 PM
Keep the change
 
2013-08-29 06:03:53 PM
COME AT ME BRO!
 
2013-08-29 06:03:57 PM
You smell like my mom.
 
2013-08-29 06:04:16 PM
My favorite thing about a woman is the back of her head.
 
2013-08-29 06:04:53 PM
I hope your not into restraining orders like all those other chicks I've dated...

My parole officer and psychiatrist told me that I could start dating again as long as I stayed in my meds,

The voices in my head told me to ask you to dance (especially effective when there is no music playing)
 
2013-08-29 06:05:14 PM

CapeFearCadaver: "Hi, my name is Moderator."


And you just killed all the fun I was having in this thread. That's gotta be the worst, most despicable thing anyone could say in any circumstance.
 
2013-08-29 06:05:26 PM
Does this smell like chloroform?
 
2013-08-29 06:05:49 PM
Mom, I've been looking forward to this since I was three.
 
2013-08-29 06:06:18 PM
Let's just get this out of the way... we both know the female orgasm is a myth.
Or:
Didn't I see you at Herpes Afflicted Anonymous?
 
2013-08-29 06:06:22 PM
CSB/

I had a roommate come home from a first date. He said she was totally normal while they were at a movie and went back to her place. She apparently liked beta fish. She STAPLED the dead ones around her bed. He said it created an arch around her bed like a headboard.

She also liked anime. A lot.

He still slept with her. Because sex.

/CSB
 
2013-08-29 06:06:45 PM
You scream and I'll kill you.
 
2013-08-29 06:10:18 PM
"You need to go to the bathroom? No no! Don't get up, I'll get under the table and take care of that for you."

/why do I even brain these things?
 
2013-08-29 06:11:12 PM
Holy shiat, sponsored! Thanks!
 
2013-08-29 06:12:55 PM
You be Miley and I'll be the foam finger.
 
2013-08-29 06:13:11 PM
i157.photobucket.com
Dayum, look at 'em titties!
 
2013-08-29 06:13:34 PM
I have gas. Is it ok if I let a few fly?
 
2013-08-29 06:15:40 PM
Don't worry, I know the guy in back. You'll get your fries for free.
 
2013-08-29 06:16:05 PM
You are making my butt water.
 
2013-08-29 06:17:42 PM
so how do you see this date ending?  I only ask because if you're expecting any 'action' I need to get a couple of these pills down like right now or you're not gonna have anything but a puppet show later.
 
2013-08-29 06:19:24 PM
My wife is dead but the funeral isn't until tomorrow.
 
2013-08-29 06:19:42 PM
Can you teach my daughter to kiss like that?
 
2013-08-29 06:20:24 PM
What's your favorite color of condom?
 
2013-08-29 06:22:20 PM
" You know, when we get married my parents will buy us a house."

" I don't do anal, but I will with you 'cause I'm not sure I want kids with you"

" Look, my friend set this up. What say I just blow you and we can tell her that the chemistry just wasn't there"

" I'm HIV positive, so don't try to go down on me"

/and people wanted to know why I was single for so long.
 
2013-08-29 06:22:22 PM
I told my friend I was totally going to surf the brown curl with my long board...
Herpies? naw babe, thats just speed bumps ... of love....
Wanna Slay my jabberwoky?
 
2013-08-29 06:23:10 PM
What flavor roofies do you like?
 
2013-08-29 06:26:25 PM
I'm wanted in Colorado for Grand Theft Auto.
Don't worry, they can never prove it.

/unfortunately true story
//night ended outrunning the police
///first and last date
 
2013-08-29 06:26:45 PM

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Hello, I'm Drew Curtis.


And the thread didn't end here????
 
2013-08-29 06:27:38 PM
I want 6 babies.  I just can't wait !
 
2013-08-29 06:29:36 PM
"So, my wife thinks you're really hot..."
 
2013-08-29 06:30:11 PM
I get my dating advice on Fark
 
2013-08-29 06:31:36 PM
Lets see those cankles
 
2013-08-29 06:32:59 PM
"I never finished my college degree, but I have the college loans, so that's something, right?"

CSB:
I went AFROTC and got most of my college tuition paid for.  In exchange, I was on the hook for four years of my life and an exceptionally small chance of injury or death on duty because I wasn't a flyer.  I had a job right out of college and got to travel all over Europe.  I learned to eat, drink, work and sleep with people of many cultures.  At the end of six years (I did two more than I owed), I didn't even have a car loan I owed.
 
2013-08-29 06:33:11 PM
[sobs] Jesus I just can't get the hang of this!
 
2013-08-29 06:34:36 PM
So, what's your Fark handle?
 
2013-08-29 06:36:11 PM
Can you sign this liability waiver?
 
2013-08-29 06:37:05 PM
Don't worry, I was acquitted.
 
2013-08-29 06:37:26 PM
Is your name [your full legal name]?
 
2013-08-29 06:40:35 PM
Does anyone know that you are out with me tonight?
 
2013-08-29 06:40:54 PM
"Yeah, I'll bet.  You want rough?  I'll tell you about rough.

In fact, there ain't nobody in this thread that knows SH*T about rough.

Y'all can all shut the **** up. I'm a DKE and proud of it. I swear to god I went to hell and back to be able to call myself a DKE. I went through some shiat that y'all could never imagine going through.

One of our older brothers is a US Navy Seal and just got back from somewhere in Afghanistan.  He said that he would rather go through basic training and he would rather go back and fight for a week before he would come back and go throughour initiation. Trust me, y'all motherf*ckin **** couldn't handle the sh*t that goes down for 5 minutes...

Go on and hate on my fraternity if you want, I don't give a sh*t, there's nothing I can technically do about it, but I think it's a proven fact that the only reason have for hating on fraternities is that they don't know, or are scared to go through what it takes to be apart of it.

For those of you that don't know, DKE is an active chapter of what is known as the "Skull and Bones" the most secret society in the nation. More secret than the CIA, and possibly the NSA. George Bush, Jr, and Sr, were both Dekes, as well as both the Roosevelts,andGerald Ford.How about THAT?  We had 7 of our leading presidents, more than any other fraternity of common group ever. We were the leading provider for the Civil war, both north and south, we were the first fraternity in the state of Mississippi, as well as Alabama, and Louisiana.

Y'all don't know sh*t about what I've been through, and until you come over and go through what I've been through to call my brothers brothers then **** off. I don't give a **** about anybody on here. So shut the **** up."
 
2013-08-29 06:44:17 PM
whats that smell?Is it you? Really, Its not that its a bad smell per se but its a smell thats hard to ignore , kind of like feet and cheese.Can I smell your feet?
 
2013-08-29 06:47:20 PM
"I'm up for anything, so long as it doesn't involve going within 100' of a elementary school."
 
2013-08-29 06:52:03 PM

Anayalator: "Yeah, I'll bet.  You want rough?  I'll tell you about rough.

In fact, there ain't nobody in this thread that knows SH*T about rough.

Y'all can all shut the **** up. I'm a DKE and proud of it. I swear to god I went to hell and back to be able to call myself a DKE. I went through some shiat that y'all could never imagine going through.

One of our older brothers is a US Navy Seal and just got back from somewhere in Afghanistan.  He said that he would rather go through basic training and he would rather go back and fight for a week before he would come back and go throughour initiation. Trust me, y'all motherf*ckin **** couldn't handle the sh*t that goes down for 5 minutes...

Go on and hate on my fraternity if you want, I don't give a sh*t, there's nothing I can technically do about it, but I think it's a proven fact that the only reason have for hating on fraternities is that they don't know, or are scared to go through what it takes to be apart of it.

For those of you that don't know, DKE is an active chapter of what is known as the "Skull and Bones" the most secret society in the nation. More secret than the CIA, and possibly the NSA. George Bush, Jr, and Sr, were both Dekes, as well as both the Roosevelts,andGerald Ford.How about THAT?  We had 7 of our leading presidents, more than any other fraternity of common group ever. We were the leading provider for the Civil war, both north and south, we were the first fraternity in the state of Mississippi, as well as Alabama, and Louisiana.

Y'all don't know sh*t about what I've been through, and until you come over and go through what I've been through to call my brothers brothers then **** off. I don't give a **** about anybody on here. So shut the **** up."


That would be pretty creepy to say on a first date.

/or anywhere for that matter
//5 minutes of motorboating an old guys nutsack can't be  that bad
 
2013-08-29 06:53:52 PM
"On my last date, I show up to her home and met Chris Hansen."
 
2013-08-29 06:56:10 PM
well excuse me, but the children's menu is the only menu with dinosaur chicken nuggets.
 
2013-08-29 06:59:32 PM
I'm not wearing a bra.
 
2013-08-29 07:05:37 PM

eViLpOpTaRt: I'm not wearing a bra.


I am.
 
2013-08-29 07:06:00 PM
"Are those real?"
 
2013-08-29 07:10:46 PM
My last relationship didn't work out because my husband's very jealous and put my new boyfriend in the hospital. You look almost as strong as him so sure that won't happen to you.
 
2013-08-29 07:11:14 PM
My hawt loins are ablaze for your grandmama's diaper.
 
2013-08-29 07:11:50 PM
all the pages are sticky and my copy of the FHuhFeminine Mystique. Weird Huh?
 
2013-08-29 07:11:57 PM
You remembered bus fare, right?
 
2013-08-29 07:12:33 PM
Farking phone
 
2013-08-29 07:12:47 PM
Some people say crazy cat lady, but I consider myself more of a rescuer. I mean seriously, 26 isn't that many cats...
 
2013-08-29 07:14:24 PM
You didn't say on your profile that you were pregnant!
 
2013-08-29 07:14:45 PM
Do you mind if I call you Captain Meowsers?  It makes me kinda hot.
 
2013-08-29 07:15:19 PM
I want to tongue punch your fart locker.
 
2013-08-29 07:15:57 PM
The doctor says it is just a blister
 
2013-08-29 07:16:12 PM
I'm so glad I'm a man. At my age I already leaking constantly. There's no way I could deal with multiple orgasms. How do you manage to clean up?
 
2013-08-29 07:16:16 PM
It smells like fresh vagina in here!

<Sit down at table>
<Grunt>
"Well, I already orgasmed. Nice to have met you!"
<Leave>
 
2013-08-29 07:17:18 PM
nope never convicted.
 
2013-08-29 07:18:33 PM
you can make a lot of money selling used body parts.
 
2013-08-29 07:20:23 PM
no one ever talks about all the good things meth does
 
2013-08-29 07:24:54 PM
"The ring?  What ring?  Oh, *that* ring.  Aw, for crying out loud, did I forget to take it off *again?*"
 
2013-08-29 07:25:30 PM
Let's not turn this rape into a murder


/I don't go on dates too often...
 
2013-08-29 07:25:48 PM
My blowup sheep doll has a better personality than you.  And I have better conversations with her too.

You should change the color of your bed sheets.  It makes you look pale on the video from the spy camera I installed in your bedroom.
 
2013-08-29 07:26:04 PM
That'll do pig.
 
2013-08-29 07:26:42 PM
Rape isn't really a crime.  No one really means no.
 
2013-08-29 07:27:49 PM
"So how much is it for an hour? Do I get multiple pops?"
 
2013-08-29 07:29:00 PM
Mom?
 
2013-08-29 07:29:35 PM
"I'm on birth control. I promise."
 
2013-08-29 07:31:31 PM

fang06554: Rape isn't really a crime.  No one really means no.


"Did you know that girls who pass out drunk are open invitation to molestation? Here drink more"
 
2013-08-29 07:31:39 PM
"Ruprecht, NO! That is not mother."
 
2013-08-29 07:32:50 PM
you can call me daddy if you like
 
2013-08-29 07:35:23 PM
"Can we got to McDonald's? I'm a little strapped for cash this month because of my child support payments."
 
2013-08-29 07:39:29 PM

Honest Bender: "I'm an engineer who has a prominently displayed star wars/star trek collection."


Just FYI, that would TOTALLY work one.
 
2013-08-29 07:53:46 PM
"Oh, THAT smell. Didn't I tell you about my ferret kingdom? They revere me"
 
2013-08-29 07:54:39 PM
Make me a sammich.

It's not going to suck itself.

No, I can't take you there due to a restraining order.

Are Trojans ok or do you prefer a different brand?
 
2013-08-29 07:56:09 PM
Do the noises in my head bother you?
 
2013-08-29 08:00:38 PM
My Name is Gorgor.  Would you like to see my photo library?
 
2013-08-29 08:02:19 PM
This huge red, oozing burn on my lip is not a herpe...I overheated my microwave dinner while trashed on vodka, then mixed the boiling mashed potatoes with some gooey cheese. I missed my mouth with the spoon, hit my bottom lip instead, and didn't feel the searing pain until it was too late. Let me kiss you, so I can prove its not contagious!
 
2013-08-29 08:03:27 PM

Uglybarnacle: My Name is Gorgor.  Would you like to see my photo library?


\o
 
2013-08-29 08:03:29 PM
Mind hiding under the table for a minute?  I'm getting ready to rob this place.
 
2013-08-29 08:05:14 PM
"Alright, let's get this shiat started!"
 
2013-08-29 08:06:05 PM
Enough about you, I'm a Total Farker.
 
2013-08-29 08:08:03 PM
I hope you don't have a hot tubiatchanges my vaginal pH and that's no fun for ANYONE.
 
2013-08-29 08:12:16 PM
You'll do.
 
2013-08-29 08:13:38 PM
Not sure if anyone's mentioned it, because I don't feel like sifting through

BUT WHEN THE fark DID "anyways" BECOME A WORD?!  You sound stupid when you say it, and you look stupid when you type it.

Love you.
 
2013-08-29 08:14:35 PM
My toes? Oh that black stuff isn't dirt. The black threads from my cheap Walmart socks kind of work their way in there throughout the day. They're a biatch to remove, and I've found that shrimpers enjoy the extra fiber anyway.
 
2013-08-29 08:14:53 PM
Is it just me or am I ridiculously hot?
 
2013-08-29 08:18:43 PM

lesliessexxy: Not sure if anyone's mentioned it, because I don't feel like sifting through

BUT WHEN THE fark DID "anyways" BECOME A WORD?!  You sound stupid when you say it, and you look stupid when you type it.

Love you.


Remember. Silence is Golden,But Duct Tape is Silver.

/anyway,I Love you too
 
2013-08-29 08:18:48 PM
Is it in yet?
 
2013-08-29 08:19:38 PM
Y'know, I've been looking forward to this night ever since I got your mother pregnant.
 
2013-08-29 08:20:28 PM
My mom gave me a Ped Egg for Christmas and I had to empty that biatch three times!
 
2013-08-29 08:21:02 PM
I can only orgasm if somebody is standing on my penis.

/happened to me once.
 
2013-08-29 08:22:01 PM
Ever have your navel tickled? From the inside?
 
2013-08-29 08:22:12 PM
I'm Jesus Christ!

/also happend to me.
 
2013-08-29 08:23:27 PM
You photograph taller.

/thanks alot asshole.
 
2013-08-29 08:24:22 PM
eight inch girth when calm
 
2013-08-29 08:24:52 PM
What's your name honey? Any idea?
 
2013-08-29 08:26:20 PM

Witness99: My toes? Oh that black stuff isn't dirt. The black threads from my cheap Walmart socks kind of work their way in there throughout the day. They're a biatch to remove, and I've found that shrimpers enjoy the extra fiber anyway.


Want to do lunch sometime?
 
2013-08-29 08:27:21 PM
Long story short, it took two doctors and a nurse to get the tube of Bengay back out!
 
2013-08-29 08:28:05 PM
I took these pictures of you at the beach when you weren't looking and they didn't turn out that great - you look kinda fat. I don't really want them so you can have them.

/this is why I don't date any more.
 
2013-08-29 08:31:19 PM

Witness99: Let me kiss you, so I can prove its not contagious!


Um, possibly. Where?
 
2013-08-29 08:36:54 PM
I'm kind of married.
 
2013-08-29 08:37:06 PM

GreenSun: "My doctor said my HIV miraculously healed."


"People don't really worry about that AIDs stuff anymore, do they?"
 
Skr
2013-08-29 08:40:48 PM
Let's go back to my place and watch some anime
 
2013-08-29 08:53:02 PM
I don't see the problem with what Paula Dean did. Hell, I've dressed like that on Halloween once.
 
2013-08-29 08:53:57 PM
"Thank god! I started my period, I was afraid I was pregnant. I can order a drink now."

...Yes, this was actually said to me, upon her returning from the restroom on a first date.
 
2013-08-29 08:57:45 PM

sweet-daddy-2: CapeFearCadaver: "Hi, my name is Moderator."

And you just killed all the fun I was having in this thread. That's gotta be the worst, most despicable thing anyone could say in any circumstance.


Well the greenlit instructions were pretty clear: what's the date killer?
 
2013-08-29 08:58:43 PM
I don't want to go all fame whore on you, but Hilter was my great uncle. Want to go back to my place and see pictures of him with my dad when he was a baby?
 
2013-08-29 09:03:06 PM
Yo Mom! I told you! Bring me down the fifty bucks and some Mountain Dw
 
2013-08-29 09:08:12 PM
"Have you ever heard of a man named Albert Fish?"
 
2013-08-29 09:10:46 PM
the doctor said the scabs should be gone in a week or so

(nice INXS reference shostie)
 
2013-08-29 09:14:24 PM

guy_smiley: "Thank god! I started my period, I was afraid I was pregnant. I can order a drink now."

...Yes, this was actually said to me, upon her returning from the restroom on a first date.


At least she wasn't going to drink if she was pregnant.  Partial credit for that.
 
2013-08-29 09:16:50 PM
"Now.... I'm not a racist... buuuuut........."
 
2013-08-29 09:16:54 PM
To access my v-giny, you must answer me these questions 3:

1) What is your name?
2) What is your quest?
3) In what way do you like your women the way you like your coffee?
 
2013-08-29 09:20:05 PM
"I like my women how I like my coffee.............. covered in bees"
 
2013-08-29 09:21:53 PM
Sorry I am late. I was just getting my results from the clinic.
 
2013-08-29 09:25:37 PM
I don't know if you've done any "Internet sleuthing", haha, uh, but there's this other girl with my name...I get blamed for her shiat all the time.
 
2013-08-29 09:28:06 PM
What did you do! No, those aren't shots, I keep my pregnancy back up plan in the freezer and you just downed $400 of prime donor!
 
2013-08-29 09:30:50 PM

Current Resident: Wanna go half-sies on a lap dance?


Girl told me that once.
She lied and made me pay
Didn't care.
 
2013-08-29 09:31:12 PM
"Hey, I think I'm feeling a bit stuffed up. If I give you the money, will you buy me some Sudafed?"
 
2013-08-29 09:46:04 PM

Witness99: I don't know if you've done any "Internet sleuthing", haha, uh, but there's this other girl with my name...I get blamed for her shiat all the time.


Does this "other girl" have your toes? You have already given enough info to help Farkers decide. Time to put up.
 
2013-08-29 09:53:11 PM
How come Match.com and AdultfriendFinder took you to collections? It doesn't look anything like your Fark profile either.
 
2013-08-29 09:56:02 PM

Delay: Witness99: I don't know if you've done any "Internet sleuthing", haha, uh, but there's this other girl with my name...I get blamed for her shiat all the time.

Does this "other girl" have your toes? You have already given enough info to help Farkers decide. Time to put up.


You need some TIE or something? (I just made that up you know, about black sock threads and shrimping).
 
2013-08-29 09:57:29 PM
My dad calls me "The Twerkinator"!
 
2013-08-29 10:08:30 PM
So, my mother died recently, and I inherited her sex toys. *wink*
 
2013-08-29 10:16:28 PM
My boyfriend likes to watch but my husband doesn't.

Can't wait to read this thread!
 
2013-08-29 10:20:12 PM
"This is my date, Sue!"

/"Jan!", said my date...
 
2013-08-29 10:25:29 PM
So. You.... wanna get out of here and catch a Channing Tatum movie?
 
2013-08-29 10:26:20 PM
"So the whole purpose of this date is to turn me straight. You might be hot enough; we'll have to see."
 
2013-08-29 10:31:52 PM
"Let's not turn this rape into a murder."
 
2013-08-29 10:34:39 PM
*nod of approval* "You look fit to bear my children."
 
2013-08-29 10:35:00 PM

The Dogs of War: Let's not turn this rape into a murder


/I don't go on dates too often...


Dammit, should have read the thread first. Oh well.
 
2013-08-29 10:38:20 PM

Buggar: That'll do pig.


Lol'd
 
2013-08-29 10:51:47 PM
Death from above!
 
2013-08-29 10:52:17 PM
I put on my robe and wizard hat...

/ cant believe i was the first one with this!
 
2013-08-29 10:57:38 PM
I live on the floor at my Uncles mattress store.
 
2013-08-29 11:02:50 PM
i want to get you naked and lick you clean like a cat.
 
2013-08-29 11:04:00 PM
just the tip
 
2013-08-29 11:14:02 PM

Spoon over Marin: It's a cigarette burn, not a herpe.


So that is how you singularize herpes....
 
2013-08-29 11:15:15 PM
I recently had an abortion...

A woman told me that on our first (and only) date, during dinner. Whenever that certain restaurant we ate at comes up in conversation, that date comes to mind.
 
2013-08-29 11:15:52 PM
Oh that?  That is just my wife calling and checking up on me.  Stoopid bit.
 
2013-08-29 11:17:21 PM
You ever have a purple mushroom tattoo on your cheek?
 
2013-08-29 11:19:04 PM
There is no bugs in my home, apart from spiders. I use them for pest control. Wazzat? Your place? Ok.
 
2013-08-29 11:24:19 PM
You'll get over it.
 
2013-08-29 11:52:13 PM
This may seem out of left field, but, do you remember the chemicals that the Heaven's Gate people mixed into their pudding? I can never seem to get the mixture right and usually just wind up in the hospital.
 
2013-08-29 11:56:12 PM
"YOU'RE A HOOKER!?!?!?"
"Oh, jesus, I forgot."
 
2013-08-30 12:06:04 AM
"I pooped a little!"
 
2013-08-30 12:16:11 AM

Deedeemarz: Spoon over Marin: It's a cigarette burn, not a herpe.

So that is how you singularize herpes....


we don't get french benefits?
 
2013-08-30 12:56:07 AM
I only have to take the antibiotics for two more days, then we can do it bareback
 
2013-08-30 12:58:32 AM
Don't worry ... before she passed my mom said if you're a good Christian these lesions likely won't infect you.

Would you like to see her?
 
2013-08-30 01:31:13 AM
Ho Stato orriblilmente mutilato in un trano relitto prego sparami.

I have been horribly mangled in a trainwreck.Please shoot me.

//Leave the gun,grab the cannoli
 
2013-08-30 01:41:15 AM
A boy's best friend is his mother.
 
2013-08-30 02:24:30 AM
laH ridges jIchopbej?
 
2013-08-30 03:04:06 AM
My sister's boyfriend did some electrical work at the house next to Zach Galifankises house.
 
2013-08-30 03:16:48 AM

Skr: Let's go back to my place and watch some anime


so long as it's not Naruto or Inuyasha, you may have a deal.
 
2013-08-30 04:52:42 AM
"In my fraternity, we put a hidden camera in the toilet. It was my job to make the "best of" video.  Good times!"
 
2013-08-30 06:50:53 AM
Do you come here often?
 
2013-08-30 09:02:05 AM

specialkae: I have Daddy issues.  Will you spank me?


Sit on my lap and let's talk about this.
 
2013-08-30 10:08:11 AM

vudukungfu: specialkae: I have Daddy issues.  Will you spank me?

Sit on my lap and let's talk about this.


See what pops up?
 
2013-08-30 10:15:53 AM
... So then I saw "Well we call ourselves the Aristorcrats"
 
2013-08-30 10:23:37 AM
Mom?
 
2013-08-30 10:28:06 AM
Hi, Those shoes aren't going to work for tonight. I'll give you a 10 second head start .... 1 - 2 - 3 ... MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR!!!
 
2013-08-30 10:29:19 AM
You know, you'll probably rip that dress getting in my coffin.
 
2013-08-30 10:31:50 AM
My dolls probably won't like you.
 
2013-08-30 10:34:39 AM
Can I cook you for breakfast?
 
2013-08-30 10:45:33 AM
I'd ask you on a second date but those pictures I took of you in the bathroom should do me just fine
 
2013-08-30 12:45:20 PM
I like my women like I like my coffee: full of my own semen.
 
2013-08-30 01:08:39 PM
So, what's your blood type?
 
2013-08-30 03:28:26 PM
Last Man Standing?

/runs
 
2013-08-30 03:50:37 PM
Want to see my etchings?
 
2013-08-30 06:57:12 PM
So.  If it"s your dog.  And your peanut butter.  It's not cheating.   Is it?
 
2013-08-30 07:20:16 PM
Diablo 3 is coming out on the PS3, i can't wait!

/because she know's...it's a shiatty platform to play it on.
 
2013-08-30 07:20:47 PM

R.A.Danny: Want to see my etchings?


Ah, one my father probably used!
 
2013-08-30 08:29:48 PM
"Wanna see my Wang?"

/Ha! Third time for that joke in a week!
//Actually said it during a date once.
///Neither of us could figure out how to turn it on.
 
2013-08-30 09:28:53 PM
"I have something to tell you about my previous relationship."
 
2013-08-31 12:47:11 AM

EviLincoln: "Wanna watch porn on my phone while we wait for the appetizer?"


Sure! Here, I'll drive.  Yep that's me.  Then me with my uncle Wally.  When he takes his teeth out, whoa tickles my tonsils.
 
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