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(Fark)   Let's play, "Whose Fark is it Anyways" The game where the participants are silly and the power rankings mean nothing. Today's topic: Things not to say on a first date   ( fark.com) divider line
    More: Silly  
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3571 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Aug 2013 at 4:47 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



595 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2013-08-29 03:40:05 PM  
Say, do you have a mini bottle of talcum powder in your purse?
 
2013-08-29 03:40:22 PM  
"I'm an engineer who has a prominently displayed star wars/star trek collection."
 
2013-08-29 03:40:48 PM  
Can I have your skin?
 
2013-08-29 03:40:57 PM  
You don't smell too bad for a girl your size.
 
2013-08-29 03:41:05 PM  
"Tell me all about your dead ex-girlfriend."
 
2013-08-29 03:41:07 PM  
I want to feel your throat
 
2013-08-29 03:41:16 PM  

Honest Bender: "I'm an engineer who has a prominently displayed star wars/star trek collection."


I never did get the definition of 'prominently'...
 
2013-08-29 03:41:20 PM  
Does this smell infected?
 
2013-08-29 03:41:35 PM  
Man, I can smell my swamp-ass through my shorts & underpants!

Um, what was the thread topic again?
 
2013-08-29 03:41:36 PM  
"You know.... you look like this guy I met at an orgy a while back. I hope your penis isn't that big!"
 
2013-08-29 03:41:50 PM  
My ex was a real coont. You better not be too.
 
2013-08-29 03:41:54 PM  
You remind me of my sister
 
2013-08-29 03:42:19 PM  
I only smoke crack every other day. There rest of the week is black tar heroin. Do you know how to play Canasta? Love that game.
 
2013-08-29 03:42:19 PM  
"Can I see a photo of your mother?"
 
2013-08-29 03:42:21 PM  
So is that a wonder bra or are those puppies the real deal?
 
2013-08-29 03:42:24 PM  
Do you want a keybump to get the party started?  I'm doing one.
 
2013-08-29 03:42:26 PM  
I want to fall asleep inside you.
 
2013-08-29 03:42:32 PM  
Do you like my hair up or like Hitler's?
 
2013-08-29 03:42:41 PM  
Oh, I thought you were the other one in your profile picture...
 
2013-08-29 03:42:53 PM  
I like your perfume.  You smell just like my mom!
 
2013-08-29 03:42:54 PM  
"Do you even lift?
 
2013-08-29 03:43:04 PM  
I'd give my father a handjo if that you mean you'll sleep with me tonight.
 
2013-08-29 03:43:07 PM  
Hello, I'm Drew Curtis.
 
2013-08-29 03:43:09 PM  
I live in my parents basement.
 
2013-08-29 03:43:11 PM  
Any pictures of your mom?  Let's see the mileage, I wanna know if you're gonna get fatter.
 
2013-08-29 03:43:27 PM  
And I was lost for words
In your arms
Attempting to make sense
Of my aching heart
If I could just be
Everything and everyone to you
This life would just be so easy
Not enough time for all
That I want for you
Not enough time for every kiss
And every touch and all the nights
I wanna be inside you
We will make time stop
For the two of us
Make time stop
And listen for our sighs
Not enough time for all
That I want for you
Not enough time for every kiss
And every touch and all the nights
I wanna be inside you
In our fight against the end
Making love we are immortal
We are the last two left on earth
And I was lost for words
In your arms
Attempting to make sense of
My aching heart
If I could just be everything
And everyone to you
Not enough time for all
That I want for you
Not enough time for every kiss
Not enough time for all my love
Not enough time for every touch
Not enough time for all
That I want for you
Not enough time for every kiss
And every touch and all the nights
I wanna be inside you
 
2013-08-29 03:43:31 PM  

Ponzholio: Oh, I thought you were the other one in your profile picture...


hahahaha, yeah that would be pretty bad
 
2013-08-29 03:43:33 PM  
"Hold my beer and watch this!"
 
2013-08-29 03:43:33 PM  
I've never dated down before.
 
2013-08-29 03:43:49 PM  
This is relevant to my interests.
 
2013-08-29 03:43:56 PM  
So, I just got kicked out of my place. Can I crash with you for a while?
 
2013-08-29 03:44:00 PM  
i need to swing by Home Depot to pick up more duct tape.
 
2013-08-29 03:44:14 PM  
You remind me of your late sister.
 
2013-08-29 03:44:27 PM  
I'm really not vain, I just love myself.
 
2013-08-29 03:44:27 PM  
Do you shave? I only ask because I prefer my mates au naturel. On a related note how do you feel about arm pit play?
 
2013-08-29 03:44:38 PM  
"Lots of women want to be with a boat captain."
 
2013-08-29 03:44:41 PM  
It's been a fun evening, but I have to go home and feed my hostage.
 
2013-08-29 03:44:58 PM  
don't worry, i'm not going to rape you.
 
2013-08-29 03:45:14 PM  
Want to see my pickle collection?
 
2013-08-29 03:46:05 PM  
Do you enjoy My Little Pony conventions?
 
2013-08-29 03:46:08 PM  
Don't worry about that smell. It doesn't concern you.
 
2013-08-29 03:46:11 PM  
Kissing is unnatural. Filthy when you think about it, and looking into some ones eyes makes me uncomfortable, but other than that I'm pretty much game for any thing legal.
 
2013-08-29 03:46:20 PM  
I've been google searching you all week in anticipation.
 
2013-08-29 03:46:21 PM  
I've decided to go ahead and get pregnant if I'm not married by this time next year.
 
2013-08-29 03:46:25 PM  
I love you!
 
2013-08-29 03:46:35 PM  
Geez, if they ever find out that I'm on a date, my wives are going to kill me.
 
2013-08-29 03:46:38 PM  
"Most girls with a skirt that short just look like a huge whore. But you pull it off."
 
2013-08-29 03:46:54 PM  
I like potatoes... sexually.
 
2013-08-29 03:46:58 PM  
I wonder what our children would look like?
 
2013-08-29 03:47:10 PM  
You don't sweat a lot for a fat girl.
 
2013-08-29 03:47:11 PM  
I would love to see your nose upon my penis.
 
2013-08-29 03:47:27 PM  
I can't wait to eat your pussy like a bag of sunflower seeds.
 
2013-08-29 03:47:42 PM  
If I told you you had a nice body would you remove your clothes and let me play with myself while you squatted over there in the corner?
 
2013-08-29 03:47:47 PM  
"I love you."
 
2013-08-29 03:47:56 PM  
And here are the 427 reasons that Kirk was a better Captain than Picard...
 
2013-08-29 03:48:04 PM  

jadeblue: "Most girls with a skirt that short just look like a huge whore. But you pull it off."


But I'd rather pull it off for you.  Meow.
gross.
 
2013-08-29 03:48:16 PM  

GalFriday: I love you!


I think the word "love" itself should be taboo on first dates (eg: "I love your sense of humor").
 
2013-08-29 03:48:21 PM  
I'm a level 92 on WoW
 
2013-08-29 03:48:25 PM  
I like to scratch my skin flakes and eat them.
 
2013-08-29 03:48:27 PM  
I hope we can wrap this up early, I have to meet my parole officer at 9am.
 
2013-08-29 03:48:31 PM  
Are you familiar with the term "Cleveland Steamer"?
 
2013-08-29 03:48:39 PM  
So...ass play?
 
2013-08-29 03:48:46 PM  
My mom thinks I'm really swell.
 
2013-08-29 03:48:54 PM  
What are your thoughts on ball gags?
 
2013-08-29 03:48:56 PM  
wicmblog.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-08-29 03:49:03 PM  
Can I pop that zip for you?
 
2013-08-29 03:49:17 PM  
Ohhhh it's so cute!!
 
2013-08-29 03:49:19 PM  
Oh, my mother's going to love you. She's always said I needed a girl with good birthing hips.
 
2013-08-29 03:49:20 PM  
"Does anyone else know you're here?"
 
2013-08-29 03:49:24 PM  
HAHAHA, jade!!
 
2013-08-29 03:49:30 PM  
"So, how did you reject the patriarchy today?"
 
2013-08-29 03:49:51 PM  
Ugh, that's it? Alright, let's get this over with.
 
2013-08-29 03:49:53 PM  

EviLincoln: "Does anyone else know you're here?"


Does this rag smell like chloroform?
 
2013-08-29 03:49:54 PM  
I am a really big deal on a certain internet community.
 
2013-08-29 03:50:03 PM  
I really don't know how many children I have....  I mean, I've donated a LOT of sperm.
 
2013-08-29 03:50:19 PM  

jadeblue: [wicmblog.files.wordpress.com image 610x468]


FAKE.

All 4 of them would be on their phones.
 
2013-08-29 03:50:38 PM  
So I've recently been diagnosed with Bigorexia
 
2013-08-29 03:50:42 PM  
Do you know the website, Fark.com?
 
2013-08-29 03:50:47 PM  
Do you mind if I go change my diaper real quick? Wanna help!??
 
2013-08-29 03:50:51 PM  
So, wanna make some babies?
 
2013-08-29 03:50:59 PM  

DonWrite: EviLincoln: "Does anyone else know you're here?"

Does this rag smell like chloroform?


"You can't out run me in those shoes, so don't try"
 
2013-08-29 03:51:04 PM  
"I'd like to talk about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."
 
2013-08-29 03:51:27 PM  
You ever wonder what someone else's blood tastes like? I mean, is it the same? I bet yours is sweet.
 
2013-08-29 03:51:32 PM  
"Are you familiar with the term 'genital topiary'"?
 
2013-08-29 03:51:34 PM  
Oh my God! I have that same dress!
 
2013-08-29 03:51:46 PM  
"Funny thing is you can't taste tranquilizers"
 
2013-08-29 03:51:51 PM  
Keep it wet for me baby, I've gotta take a big dump.
 
2013-08-29 03:52:08 PM  

CapeFearCadaver: So, wanna make some babies?


You'd be surprised...this worked for me once.
 
2013-08-29 03:52:12 PM  

Current Resident: Oh my God! I have that same dress!


*shrug* that wouldn't bother me.
 
2013-08-29 03:52:19 PM  
I just got out of prison and WHOO BOY! do I need to pound something!
 
2013-08-29 03:52:24 PM  
"Nah, Thai food doesn't really sit well with my Valtrex. How about Chinese?"
 
2013-08-29 03:52:30 PM  
Do you think this restaurant takes little bits of string as payment?
 
2013-08-29 03:52:31 PM  

GalFriday: I love you!


I missed this the first time. :-/
 
2013-08-29 03:52:34 PM  
What are your thoughts on communal living?
 
2013-08-29 03:52:41 PM  
"What fetish sites do you go to?"
 
2013-08-29 03:52:46 PM  
"My parents are waiting in the parking lot to meet you"
 
2013-08-29 03:52:47 PM  
"I can't wait to peg you"
 
2013-08-29 03:52:55 PM  

Al_Ed: CapeFearCadaver: So, wanna make some babies?

You'd be surprised...this worked for me once.


I just got an email....
 
2013-08-29 03:53:02 PM  
We should get a drink. I'm going to need to be hammered to do what I got to do later on.
 
2013-08-29 03:53:02 PM  
"Care to come back to my place and see my amateur taxidermy"?
 
2013-08-29 03:53:02 PM  

jadeblue: GalFriday: I love you!

I missed this the first time. :-/


I SAID I LOVE YOU.
 
2013-08-29 03:53:07 PM  

LlamaGirl: Current Resident: Oh my God! I have that same dress!

*shrug* that wouldn't bother me.


Oh my God!  My wife has that same dress!
 
2013-08-29 03:53:26 PM  
"Hold on while I look up every single item on the menu on my Weight Watchers. com account."
 
2013-08-29 03:53:47 PM  

CapeFearCadaver: Al_Ed: CapeFearCadaver: So, wanna make some babies?

You'd be surprised...this worked for me once.

I just got an email....


Huh?
 
2013-08-29 03:53:59 PM  
I am a woman trapped in a man's body.

Or the other way around, depending on who's dating whom.
 
2013-08-29 03:54:00 PM  
Did you get my email?
 
2013-08-29 03:54:03 PM  

BusketsMcBride: jadeblue: GalFriday: I love you!

I missed this the first time. :-/

I SAID I LOVE YOU.


Hee!
 
2013-08-29 03:54:11 PM  
What are your thoughts on Satan?
 
2013-08-29 03:54:19 PM  
I really enjoy the erotic subtext of the Smurfs.
 
2013-08-29 03:54:39 PM  
Fisting is not for everyone...
 
2013-08-29 03:54:49 PM  
"You're beautiful...quite the change of scenery from the day-to-day at the seminary".
 
2013-08-29 03:54:57 PM  

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: I am a really big deal on a certain internet community.


The amount of responsibility I have been given is beyond what most people could handle
 
2013-08-29 03:55:13 PM  
"what happened to your eye, Quasimodo?"
 
2013-08-29 03:55:14 PM  
Do you hold the ways of your ancestors and remember the face of your father?
 
2013-08-29 03:55:17 PM  

Dance Party: I am a woman trapped in a man's body.


I am a woman trapped in a man's body trapped in a dungeon in my neighbor's basement.
 
2013-08-29 03:55:28 PM  
You have the most interesting looking nostrils. They look so... lick-able.
 
2013-08-29 03:55:45 PM  
"Lots of women don't understand that by letting a guy pay for dinner, you've entered into a contract essentially"
 
2013-08-29 03:55:49 PM  
"UNGH, girl! You look tighter than a DRUM"!
 
2013-08-29 03:55:55 PM  
I'm a wizard.
 
2013-08-29 03:56:20 PM  

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: I really enjoy the erotic subtext of the Smurfs.


I am soooo stealing this line
 
2013-08-29 03:56:23 PM  
Does this look infected?
 
2013-08-29 03:56:24 PM  

LlamaGirl: "what happened to your eye, Quasimodo?"


:(
 
2013-08-29 03:56:27 PM  
I don't know how you pronounce it in this country, but I believe it's called "feltching".
 
2013-08-29 03:56:42 PM  
You will have the green salad and a side of asparagus only. That last is important. Feel free to drink as much as you want.
 
2013-08-29 03:56:43 PM  
My relationship with my dog, Rex, is special.
 
2013-08-29 03:56:53 PM  
*walk up to the hostess with your date*

"are you here for the gangbang too?!?"
 
2013-08-29 03:57:33 PM  
I guess it wasn't really incest since my sister was dead.
 
2013-08-29 03:57:36 PM  

LlamaGirl: "what happened to your eye, Quasimodo?"


I SAID LOOK AT ME!!!
 
2013-08-29 03:57:46 PM  
I was Joan of Arc in a former life
 
2013-08-29 03:57:50 PM  
and the way I see it, it's not stealing if it from a big multinational, and no one will notice, right?
 
2013-08-29 03:57:51 PM  
"Let's say we skip dessert and go back to my place so I can eat Skittles out of your ass and record it and then we'll post it to YouTu...HEY! Where ya going"?!
 
2013-08-29 03:58:05 PM  
"Sometimes women just don't understand how guys have feellings too and it MAKES ME SO ANGRY"
 
2013-08-29 03:58:27 PM  
I can't wait to show you my collection of Precious Moments figurines!
 
2013-08-29 03:58:32 PM  
Whoa! Did you really think you could pull off the sultry look, lardbutt?
 
2013-08-29 03:59:08 PM  
"I'm an architect of sorts...I actually design home dungeons".
 
2013-08-29 03:59:29 PM  
I don't believe in tipping.
 
2013-08-29 03:59:36 PM  
"My therapist told me the 396 ways that 9/11 was an inside job. I'd like you to help spread the word."
 
2013-08-29 04:00:15 PM  
"You're much more sexy than the picture in your profile. Lucky for me I'm not having a flare up"!
 
2013-08-29 04:00:23 PM  
Mother thinks it's great that you came out with me this evening.
 
2013-08-29 04:00:27 PM  
you are so beautiful, I wanna wear you like a hat
 
2013-08-29 04:00:30 PM  
Do you think you could fit a kilo of something up your butthole?
 
2013-08-29 04:00:41 PM  
"Why i'm telling you this will soon become apparent: it will hurt less if you push out"
 
2013-08-29 04:00:58 PM  
Do you even have a mirror in your house because those shoes with that dress?
 
2013-08-29 04:01:05 PM  
"Let me tell you about the Government Contrail Program".
 
2013-08-29 04:01:15 PM  
While we have this moment alone, can I share with you some of the wisdom of the Church of Scientology?
 
2013-08-29 04:01:44 PM  
"Oh, these? Costco shrimp".
 
2013-08-29 04:02:06 PM  
"Don't you think the whole sufferage thing is bullsh*t?"
 
2013-08-29 04:02:20 PM  
Sometimes it's so obvious that I just have to laugh you know. I mean, there is was in front of our faces all along, right? Like David Koresh man. He totally got it.
 
2013-08-29 04:02:28 PM  
The way that I look at it, anyone who's dating someone who's a child at heart is the real pedophile.
 
2013-08-29 04:03:02 PM  

Al_Ed: "Oh, these? Costco shrimp".


Genuine spit take.

Well done.
 
2013-08-29 04:03:03 PM  
How many healthy kidneys do you have?
 
2013-08-29 04:03:09 PM  
"Well it's funny you should ask that. And no, I only take the fedora off to shower"
 
2013-08-29 04:03:28 PM  
Do you bleach your anus?
 
2013-08-29 04:03:52 PM  
You remind me of Lindsey Lohan.
 
2013-08-29 04:04:09 PM  
"I don't have coupons for this restaurant"
 
2013-08-29 04:04:24 PM  
"I like your skin. No. I mean, I REALLY like your skin, it's so elasticized and stretchy..... Oh, what was that? Sorry, I was daydreaming about what I'm going to do with it... um, I mean with you, later *wink*"
 
2013-08-29 04:04:35 PM  
So long story short I have been reserving my seed for tonight.
 
2013-08-29 04:05:20 PM  

EviLincoln: "I don't have coupons for this restaurant"


"Tell them you're under 12 to eat off the kids menu... oh, you really are under 12? SWEET!"
 
2013-08-29 04:05:20 PM  
"You remind me of my late wife, Nicole Brown".
 
2013-08-29 04:05:21 PM  
"Does the phrase 'No one can hear you scream' turn you on? "
 
2013-08-29 04:05:56 PM  

Ponzholio: EviLincoln: "I don't have coupons for this restaurant"

"Tell them you're under 12 to eat off the kids menu... oh, you really are under 12? SWEET!"


"The lady will have the corndog"
 
2013-08-29 04:05:57 PM  
I'm not going to lie to you: Best case scenario it's still going to be plenty uncomfortable.
 
2013-08-29 04:05:59 PM  
Do you know anything about prison gang tattoos?
 
2013-08-29 04:06:12 PM  
"Have you ever been properly fitted for a ball gag"?
 
2013-08-29 04:06:52 PM  
"Nah, there's no way I could fit you in my freezer... Your head, sure. But not your entire body."
 
2013-08-29 04:07:02 PM  
Have you heard any rumors about illegal human trafficking in the area?
 
2013-08-29 04:07:04 PM  
Apparently Muncie Indiana has a strictly enforced public nudity law.
 
2013-08-29 04:07:04 PM  
"There was an accident, involving my penis, years back."
 
2013-08-29 04:07:13 PM  
Will you marry me?
 
2013-08-29 04:07:23 PM  
I knew you were the right one when I kept coming back to pleasure myself to your profile picture.
 
2013-08-29 04:07:36 PM  
"I know where there's a really nice Long John Silvers"
 
2013-08-29 04:07:39 PM  
"You remind me so much of my ex-wife!"
 
2013-08-29 04:07:47 PM  
Hello. My name's Dave and I'm an alcoholic.
 
2013-08-29 04:08:11 PM  
"You didn't google my name did you?"
 
2013-08-29 04:08:20 PM  
"In accordance with Megan's Law, I am required to tell you..."
 
2013-08-29 04:08:27 PM  

EviLincoln: "I know where there's a really nice Long John Silvers"


SPOONY!
 
2013-08-29 04:08:30 PM  
'Dead beat dad' is such a negative term don't you think?
 
2013-08-29 04:08:46 PM  
"You'd be surprised the things that will land a person on a sex offender registry".
 
2013-08-29 04:08:51 PM  
Oh, I'm really into reading. I'm just finishing The Turner Diaries for the 5th time.
 
2013-08-29 04:08:54 PM  

CapeFearCadaver: EviLincoln: "I know where there's a really nice Long John Silvers"

SPOONY!


LOL
 
2013-08-29 04:09:26 PM  
Do you know how to get dog blood out of linen?
 
2013-08-29 04:09:34 PM  
"You remind me of my mother..just not in the sexy way".
 
2013-08-29 04:09:40 PM  
"Can I get a look at your feet, now?"
 
2013-08-29 04:09:45 PM  
Being charged is not the same as being convicted
 
2013-08-29 04:10:16 PM  
You're getting dessert? *snert* I hope you make your Saving Throw against fatass.
 
2013-08-29 04:10:22 PM  
I want to find something out about your cat, quick, hand me your lipstick.
 
2013-08-29 04:10:34 PM  
Everything I know about sex I learned from 50 Shades of Gray.
 
2013-08-29 04:10:35 PM  
"So how attached are you to your kids?"
 
2013-08-29 04:10:39 PM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Being charged is not the same as being convicted


... I mean, the trial IS next month, but...
 
2013-08-29 04:10:41 PM  

Al_Ed: :(


loooooooove you
 
2013-08-29 04:10:55 PM  
I'll never forget the first time you kissed me, now I want you to fist me.
 
2013-08-29 04:11:27 PM  
"We split up shortly after a snorkeling trip to Aruba".
 
2013-08-29 04:11:35 PM  
"So, what are you... a size 12? 14? *sigh*"
 
2013-08-29 04:11:45 PM  
"I gotta take the green pills every four hours or I start screaming"
 
2013-08-29 04:12:02 PM  

LlamaGirl: Al_Ed: :(

loooooooove you


I know.
 
2013-08-29 04:12:13 PM  
And once when I was five I was repeatedly molested by my Uncle. I spent years in therapy, but damn, that man knew how to give a handy.
 
2013-08-29 04:12:20 PM  
Do you spit or swallow?
 
2013-08-29 04:12:50 PM  
"Do you have any experience with putting a bridle on a ma..HORSE! On a horse"?
 
2013-08-29 04:12:56 PM  
Do you smell fish?
 
2013-08-29 04:12:57 PM  

Al_Ed: "We split up shortly after a snorkeling trip to Aruba".


"Hey, I have two tickets to go to Aruba next week. Wanna come? You don't have to do anything you don't want to, promise."
 
2013-08-29 04:12:58 PM  
Anyways, apparently cabaret laws even apply in funeral homes.
 
2013-08-29 04:13:32 PM  
Goo!  Gaah!  Waaaaahhhhhhhhhh!  *pouty face* Change me, I made a stinky!

or

You're really making my Pampers tent.
 
2013-08-29 04:13:41 PM  

CapeFearCadaver: Al_Ed: "We split up shortly after a snorkeling trip to Aruba".

"Hey, I have two tickets to go to Aruba next week. Wanna come? You don't have to do anything you don't want to, promise."


HA!
 
2013-08-29 04:13:57 PM  
I think yoru roommate has a great sense of humor
 
2013-08-29 04:14:04 PM  
you kiss better than my mother
 
2013-08-29 04:14:16 PM  

CapeFearCadaver: Al_Ed: "We split up shortly after a snorkeling trip to Aruba".

"Hey, I have two tickets to go to Aruba next week. Wanna come? You don't have to do anything you don't want to, promise."


WINNER!
 
2013-08-29 04:14:24 PM  
"Do you prefer regular or butter-flavored Crisco"?
 
2013-08-29 04:14:46 PM  
Your hands a especially dainty. That'll come in handy later.
 
2013-08-29 04:15:35 PM  
Please, call me Senator.
 
2013-08-29 04:15:45 PM  
is it considered a threesome if my dog licks your butt during sex?
 
2013-08-29 04:16:00 PM  
You ever see that show Hoarders?
 
2013-08-29 04:16:00 PM  
"Oh...I thought the profile meant 'twenty eight-year-olds', that's why I suggested we meet a Disneyland"
 
2013-08-29 04:16:14 PM  
You kiss better than  Heathen's mother.
 
2013-08-29 04:16:31 PM  
"Wanna come outside real quick and see something that I have in my trunk? It's reeeally cool.... What's that? Oh, if I tell you then it'll ruin the surprise!.... No really, please?"

That one actually happened to me once.
 
2013-08-29 04:16:37 PM  

R.A.Danny: You kiss better than  Heathen's mother.


PROVE IT!
 
2013-08-29 04:16:59 PM  
"Oh, him? My conjoined twin. Don't worry..he won't watch".
 
2013-08-29 04:17:13 PM  

CapeFearCadaver: "Wanna come outside real quick and see something that I have in my trunk? It's reeeally cool.... What's that? Oh, if I tell you then it'll ruin the surprise!.... No really, please?"

That one actually happened to me once.


you have no sense of adventure
 
2013-08-29 04:17:17 PM  
YOU WILL BE PLEASING TO THE DARK LORD!
 
2013-08-29 04:18:15 PM  
Sorry, I was watching the Ryan Reynolds movie and all of a sudden BAM, I'm gay.
 
2013-08-29 04:18:24 PM  

CapeFearCadaver: That one actually happened to me once.


O.O
 
2013-08-29 04:18:52 PM  

CapeFearCadaver: "Wanna come outside real quick and see something that I have in my trunk? It's reeeally cool.... What's that? Oh, if I tell you then it'll ruin the surprise!.... No really, please?"

That one actually happened to me once.


What was in the trunk?
 
2013-08-29 04:19:12 PM  
"I've seen every episode of iCarly".
 
2013-08-29 04:19:17 PM  
You know, the Y chromosome is really an incomplete X chromosome. So men are really just damaged women.
 
2013-08-29 04:19:24 PM  
Is it OK if my brother comes along?
 
2013-08-29 04:19:35 PM  
"You don't take direction very well"
 
2013-08-29 04:19:38 PM  
Can I chew your hair?
 
2013-08-29 04:20:09 PM  
"I came before the entrees...sorry"!
 
2013-08-29 04:20:13 PM  

Heathen: you have no sense of adventure


Current Resident: O.O


Wasn't a date. Just some creepy guy who came up to me while I was at the bar for a friends band playing.
 
2013-08-29 04:20:22 PM  
So last night, on TotalFark...
 
2013-08-29 04:20:41 PM  
Are you familiar with the term blumkin?
 
2013-08-29 04:20:46 PM  
"It is hard"!
 
2013-08-29 04:20:47 PM  
"This was surprisingly fun.  Normally I don't date someone just for their personality."
 
2013-08-29 04:21:11 PM  

EviLincoln: CapeFearCadaver: "Wanna come outside real quick and see something that I have in my trunk? It's reeeally cool.... What's that? Oh, if I tell you then it'll ruin the surprise!.... No really, please?"

That one actually happened to me once.

What was in the trunk?


laxallstars.com

WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK!
 
2013-08-29 04:21:24 PM  
"Wow. You eat those breadsticks like it's your job"
 
2013-08-29 04:21:29 PM  
"Ever heard of MLP?"
 
2013-08-29 04:21:35 PM  
I'll have the num num lobster
 
2013-08-29 04:21:38 PM  
You know, women are a lot like men except for the genitals.
 
2013-08-29 04:21:38 PM  
You seem really nice, so I'm choosing to ignore the voices.
 
2013-08-29 04:22:18 PM  

EviLincoln: "Wow. You eat those breadsticks like it's your job"


lol
 
2013-08-29 04:22:22 PM  
"I've got a speculum with your name written alllll over it"!
 
2013-08-29 04:22:43 PM  

Heathen: R.A.Danny: You kiss better than  Heathen's mother.

PROVE IT!


ferretman, Angry Drunk Bureaucrat, Ponzholio, Al_Ed, DonWrite, and  slayer199 will totally back me up on that.
 
2013-08-29 04:22:44 PM  
"Your voice sounds like a little girl, I really like that"
 
2013-08-29 04:22:57 PM  
This may seem a little forward, but since it's already out there, would you mind giving me a footie?
 
2013-08-29 04:23:11 PM  
Afterwards we can go back to my house and stomp around my son's trainset. Also, I hope you like imitation crab meat.
 
2013-08-29 04:23:19 PM  
Tequila makes me horny.

*takes shot*

I always have it when I go out with the girls
 
2013-08-29 04:23:32 PM  
"Wanna see my Barbie collection"?
 
2013-08-29 04:24:18 PM  
Have you ever farked on the train tracks with a locomotive bearing down on you, babe? It's farking intense.
 
2013-08-29 04:24:27 PM  
"The relationship between me and my dog is strictly platonic....now".
 
2013-08-29 04:24:35 PM  
"Do you know birds feed their young? They spit the food into the babies mouth. . .you ever do that?"
 
2013-08-29 04:25:03 PM  
There's a slight, but very real chance that I may need a pint of your blood tonight.
 
2013-08-29 04:25:28 PM  
Sorry I'm gonna have to cut this date short, but I have to be at the gym in 26 minutes.
 
2013-08-29 04:25:30 PM  
"You've got bingo wings that won't quit"
 
2013-08-29 04:25:36 PM  
"Let's go back to your place. Don't worry, I know the way."
 
2013-08-29 04:25:52 PM  
Do you have a recent picture of your mother handy?
 
2013-08-29 04:26:19 PM  
[redacted]

Christ, I can be a sicko!
 
2013-08-29 04:26:31 PM  

Spoon over Marin: I'll have the num num lobster


So we are going there? Throw in Zaire, tacos, and homoculus and we might have something.
 
2013-08-29 04:26:32 PM  
Do you love twilight? cause I'm obsessed
 
2013-08-29 04:26:44 PM  
You know what he'd say, don't you?

www.mbird.com
 
2013-08-29 04:26:58 PM  
"I haven't been out much lately, my guild has been really active."
 
2013-08-29 04:27:24 PM  
I'm definitely thinking doggie, if at all.
 
2013-08-29 04:27:34 PM  
"I'mma bang you like I do the macaroni and cheese from Boston Market"!
 
2013-08-29 04:27:36 PM  
"Oh, this is my mom's car"
 
2013-08-29 04:27:55 PM  
I'm going to need the money up front or else my pimp will stab me again.
 
2013-08-29 04:27:59 PM  
And as soon as mom dies I get the upstairs bedroom and the big mattress!
 
2013-08-29 04:28:15 PM  
"Wanna watch porn on my phone while we wait for the appetizer?"
 
2013-08-29 04:28:23 PM  

EviLincoln: "Oh, this is my mom's car"


"Oh, this is my mom's tie"
 
2013-08-29 04:28:40 PM  
"I don't like to brag but I do hold the mid-Atlantic record for most cheddar biscuits consumed at a Red Lobster"!
 
2013-08-29 04:29:00 PM  
You know, I always open up the restaurant menu hoping that they'll be serving long pig. They never do, but a fellow can dream, can't he?
 
2013-08-29 04:29:17 PM  
You don't mind if some of my LARP group tags along, do you?
 
2013-08-29 04:29:20 PM  
So I spend a lot of time on this great website called Fark. Let me tell you all about it!
 
2013-08-29 04:29:35 PM  
"Would you believe it? I got mugged on the way here. No, I'm fine, but it was just crazy and kinda surreal. Say, since they stole my wallet, could you pay for dinner?"
 
2013-08-29 04:29:47 PM  
Wanna go half-sies on a lap dance?
 
2013-08-29 04:29:56 PM  
"The doctor said it was gonorrhea but what does that quack know"?!
 
2013-08-29 04:30:06 PM  
Wow, I really shouldn't have taken that laxative before eating all that Indian food. The toilet looks like the Ganges after a mudslide.
 
2013-08-29 04:30:09 PM  
"Do you know Brandy? She's a slut."
 
2013-08-29 04:30:41 PM  
And since I'm adopted, there's a real chance that we could be brother and sister.
 
2013-08-29 04:30:46 PM  
"I find the smell of urine to be an aphrodisiac, wouldn't you agree"?
 
2013-08-29 04:30:50 PM  
So...what's YOUR cutie mark?
 
2013-08-29 04:30:52 PM  
/At end of meal

What's 5 percent of 16.43?
 
2013-08-29 04:31:22 PM  
"I just pooped...no, like just now"!
 
2013-08-29 04:32:29 PM  
What size is your left ring finger?
 
2013-08-29 04:32:43 PM  
"I really shouldn't be dating this soon out of rehab, but your profile really spoke to me."
 
2013-08-29 04:33:02 PM  
"Are you big into hygiene? I'm kinda sick of it"
 
2013-08-29 04:33:04 PM  
"You have small hands...which is good because that'll make my cock seem bigger".
 
2013-08-29 04:33:52 PM  
You know those guitars that are, like, double guitars?
 
2013-08-29 04:33:55 PM  

James!: "I really shouldn't be dating this soon out of rehab, but your profile really spoke to me."


"By the way, do you have any vicodin?"
 
2013-08-29 04:34:49 PM  
Can I borrow your napkin, I just came.
 
2013-08-29 04:34:55 PM  
"I have a costume in the car, you can change on the way"
 
2013-08-29 04:35:16 PM  
It's a cigarette burn, not a herpe.
 
2013-08-29 04:35:45 PM  
So, have you ever robbed a bank before or are we winging it here?
 
2013-08-29 04:35:52 PM  
Are you really going to wear that?
 
2013-08-29 04:36:07 PM  
You know what, I jerked off in the car so let's just call it a night.
 
2013-08-29 04:36:24 PM  
can you roll a joint?
 
2013-08-29 04:36:58 PM  
"Sorry I'm late, I didn't realize we were coming into the restaurant.  I thought you'd just blow me in my van."
 
2013-08-29 04:37:08 PM  
"Oh, what I do for a living? That's a hard question to answer"
 
2013-08-29 04:37:32 PM  
I find wearing women's panties both sexually exciting and calming at the same time. Guess what color I have on now.
 
2013-08-29 04:37:46 PM  
"How much money do you make? Am I paying for you to suck off of the government's teet?"
 
2013-08-29 04:37:52 PM  
"Are you intimidated by a man in a leather corset?"
 
2013-08-29 04:38:14 PM  
"You remind me of that one Queen song."
 
2013-08-29 04:38:19 PM  
Can you fit that whole breadstick in your mouth?

What?

Because it's gonna be relevant later, that's why.
 
2013-08-29 04:38:38 PM  

Al_Ed: "You have small hands...which is good because that'll make my cock seem bigger".


No adult has hand THAT small.....
 
2013-08-29 04:39:04 PM  
"This pamphlet will explain most of my political beliefs"
 
2013-08-29 04:39:33 PM  
"You may recognize me from my rape trial, it got pretty big."
 
2013-08-29 04:39:43 PM  
"Using silverware is for squares, i'm an artist"
 
2013-08-29 04:40:16 PM  
"It sure was difficult to find someone with Kallmann syndrome"
 
2013-08-29 04:40:48 PM  
"So, uh, you feeling tired yet?"
 
2013-08-29 04:40:50 PM  
You don't live within 1000 feet of a school, do you?
 
2013-08-29 04:40:57 PM  
But I was never convicted, so that doesn't count, right?
 
2013-08-29 04:40:59 PM  
What do you know about sovereign citizenry?
 
2013-08-29 04:41:11 PM  
"Have you always been a woman?"
 
2013-08-29 04:41:42 PM  
"You mind that I brought my Dakimakura with me? She'll just sit in this empty seat and not make a sound.... where are you going?!"
 
2013-08-29 04:42:06 PM  
"Ha, no, I don't work with kids I just spend a lot of time watching them... You have any?"
 
2013-08-29 04:43:18 PM  
"No, I don't work out, my arms are that big from masturbating furiously."
 
2013-08-29 04:44:10 PM  
"You sure talk a lot"
 
2013-08-29 04:44:50 PM  

nmrsnr: Sorry I'm gonna have to cut this date short, but I have to be at the gym in 26 minutes.


***shakes tiny fist***
 
2013-08-29 04:46:18 PM  
I don't think using a ventriloquist dummy counts as a three way, but trust me, it'll rock your world!
 
2013-08-29 04:46:59 PM  
"Well this all looks good.  I think I'm going to have two of these steaks... probably a side of potatoes and a side of bacon... Can I just get a bowl of ranch? Yeah, like a soup bowl. for dipping. Jeeze... I'll have the chicken too. And that's it.  Oh wait! Mozzarella sticks.  And whatever she wants."
 
2013-08-29 04:47:11 PM  
"Do you mind if we swing by the morgue on the way home, I need to drop someone off."
 
2013-08-29 04:50:11 PM  
Sure I'm still technically married, but only til they find the body and pronounce her dead. I have a hunch that won't be any time soon, though.
 
2013-08-29 04:50:12 PM  
"What if I told you I was wearing a butt plug right now? Wait, hang on! I brought one for you too!"
 
2013-08-29 04:50:46 PM  
"Racial purity is important to me"
 
2013-08-29 04:51:23 PM  
"You're gonna love my wife!"
 
2013-08-29 04:51:59 PM  
"Momma told me readers ain't breeders"
 
2013-08-29 04:52:31 PM  
Read? Books? Who has time for that crap?
 
2013-08-29 04:52:31 PM  

EviLincoln: "You're gonna love my wife!"


"My wife is going to love you!"
 
2013-08-29 04:52:33 PM  
"I've had sex before... well sort of."
 
2013-08-29 04:53:26 PM  
*whispers* I can't speak freely they are listening.
 
2013-08-29 04:53:41 PM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: EviLincoln: "You're gonna love my wife!"

"My wife is going to love you!"


"Fair warning... My wife gets REALLY jealous."
 
2013-08-29 04:54:02 PM  
"would you like come back to my place and try some puppy flambé?"
 
2013-08-29 04:55:03 PM  
"Man, I was practically raised by 70's porn."
 
2013-08-29 04:56:00 PM  
Nice shoes. Let's fark.
 
2013-08-29 04:56:35 PM  
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
 
2013-08-29 04:56:50 PM  
"I don't care what the police say, that horse raped me!"
 
2013-08-29 04:56:59 PM  
So this is what your 5 bucks gets you.

zzzzzzz........
 
2013-08-29 04:58:31 PM  
This is CapeFearCadaver.  She's our chaperone, just like on Love Connection.  Act up and b*tch will cut you in two and two.