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(Slate)   "I had to explain to a cop that I was weaving in traffic because I was stirring my lube"   (slate.com) divider line 24
    More: Amusing, traffic  
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8923 clicks; posted to Main » on 29 Aug 2013 at 4:02 PM (33 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



24 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-08-29 03:41:30 PM
If I had a nickel for every time I've said this to a cop...
 
2013-08-29 04:06:59 PM
I palpate animals with Ghostbusters slime.

This is the best sentence I read in the whole of today.
 
2013-08-29 04:09:08 PM
I once got away with a warning because I said I had to poop... and made a convincing face, apparently.
Not that I look like I have to pinch a loaf all the time... I guess I was lucky... because I know I suck at lying.
 
2013-08-29 04:12:30 PM

special20: I once got away with a warning because I said I had to poop... and made a convincing face, apparently.
Not that I look like I have to pinch a loaf all the time... I guess I was lucky... because I know I suck at lying.


Well, what was he going to say: "You're full of shiat"?
 
2013-08-29 04:12:43 PM
Ennuipoet: If I had a nickel dime for every time I've said this to a cop...

You would have a shiat-load of dimes?

i.imgur.com
 
2013-08-29 04:13:36 PM
Yes, but what was he using to stir the lube??
 
2013-08-29 04:13:38 PM
COP:  So I guess your ready for one heck of a reaming...here 's your ticket.
 
2013-08-29 04:15:14 PM
Nobody like a horse owner.
 
2013-08-29 04:16:26 PM
From that headline I was assuming it was a follow-up to yesterday's "guy bangs his stepdaughter in a school parking lot" post.
 
2013-08-29 04:16:31 PM
i would like to note that the question posed by "next item" that popped up for me when I read that article was So incredibly obvous I can answer it without a single word, just two letters and two roman numerals

the question: WHy do some Chinese people hate the Japanese
the Answer: WWII
 
2013-08-29 04:23:34 PM
I realized long ago that explaining to a third party is usually useless, because fark them, why do they deserve an explanation? It's usually funnier not to explain anyways. Example, I used to scare my brother by telling him that the mannequins in department stores were really alive like Toy Story so when he'd go in a fitting room or wander away I'd move them into unusual positions and stuff. Now, when someone in Macy's sees you depantsing a mannequin and move its hands into position to flick its bean you may think you owe that person an explanation. You do not. That person now has a great story about the crazy person in Macy's who was molesting mannequins.
 
2013-08-29 04:24:02 PM

Theaetetus: special20: I once got away with a warning because I said I had to poop... and made a convincing face, apparently.
Not that I look like I have to pinch a loaf all the time... I guess I was lucky... because I know I suck at lying.

Well, what was he going to say: "You're full of shiat"?


He would not have been the first. ...not by a long shot.
 
2013-08-29 04:24:22 PM
I told a copy that I hadn't been home for six weeks, and wanted to get laid badly...

He laughed and told me to slow the hell down...
 
2013-08-29 04:44:49 PM
Did You Know
________________________________________________________


When a veterinarian needs to infringe on an animal's private parts to perform his or her job, it is not considered bestiality because it is necessary. The perfect and infallible laws of many states of the United States of America ensure that special exceptions are made for cases such as this. It is only regarded as bestiality, under terms of the laws as they are written, when the individual contacts an animal with the hand on the, well, "areas", for personal pleasure and gratification. This means, a veterinarian who needs to contact an animal in that way to perform his or her job, yet who also derives a secret pleasure from it, is both guilty and not guilty of bestiality at the same time. This is not a paradox, because the laws of the United States of America are infallible and perfect, and this is the best country on earth.
 
2013-08-29 04:46:04 PM

metallion: I told a copy that I hadn't been home for six weeks, and wanted to get laid badly...


Well, that's original.
 
2013-08-29 05:01:06 PM

Skywolf Philosopher: Did You Know
________________________________________________________


When a veterinarian needs to infringe on an animal's private parts to perform his or her job, it is not considered bestiality because it is necessary. The perfect and infallible laws of many states of the United States of America ensure that special exceptions are made for cases such as this. It is only regarded as bestiality, under terms of the laws as they are written, when the individual contacts an animal with the hand on the, well, "areas", for personal pleasure and gratification. This means, a veterinarian who needs to contact an animal in that way to perform his or her job, yet who also derives a secret pleasure from it, is both guilty and not guilty of bestiality at the same time. This is not a paradox, because the laws of the United States of America are infallible and perfect, and this is the best country on earth.


So what nations are procornholing dogs?
 
2013-08-29 05:08:49 PM
 
2013-08-29 05:25:40 PM
bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com

/Approves of stirring lube
 
2013-08-29 06:49:26 PM

Skywolf Philosopher: Did You Know
________________________________________________________


When a veterinarian needs to infringe on an animal's private parts to perform his or her job, it is not considered bestiality because it is necessary. The perfect and infallible laws of many states of the United States of America ensure that special exceptions are made for cases such as this. It is only regarded as bestiality, under terms of the laws as they are written, when the individual contacts an animal with the hand on the, well, "areas", for personal pleasure and gratification. This means, a veterinarian who needs to contact an animal in that way to perform his or her job, yet who also derives a secret pleasure from it, is both guilty and not guilty of bestiality at the same time. This is not a paradox, because the laws of the United States of America are infallible and perfect, and this is the best country on earth.



"Ted, I know it's technically legal for you to collect horse semen that way, but for the love of god, please don't ever tell me about it again."
 
2013-08-29 06:57:07 PM

Somaticasual: Bareefer Obonghit: I realized long ago that explaining to a third party is usually useless, because fark them, why do they deserve an explanation? It's usually funnier not to explain anyways. Example, I used to scare my brother by telling him that the mannequins in department stores were really alive like Toy Story so when he'd go in a fitting room or wander away I'd move them into unusual positions and stuff. Now, when someone in Macy's sees you depantsing a mannequin and move its hands into position to flick its bean you may think you owe that person an explanation. You do not. That person now has a great story about the crazy person in Macy's who was molesting mannequins.

Mannequins never call the next day :(


In America mannequins stand YOU up!
 
2013-08-29 07:44:27 PM
My encounter with a cop last week...

Okay so I'm just out of the hospital after 9 hours, having had an unfortunate encounter between my hand and a machete blade. I start walking home, but realize I'm in no condition to do so on account of the drugs. So I call my buddy, he picks me up, and being that it's now 3am, he pulls a U-turn to get me home faster. A cop happened to see, so after we turn on the next block we get pulled over.

Cop: "Can you tell me why you pulled a U-turn back there?"
Friend: "Just trying to get home faster, and the roads are empty."
Cop: "What's the hurry?"
Me: "Well I just got out of the ER from nearly cutting my hand off while gardening."
Cop: " You were gardening at 3am?"
Me, exasperated: "No, I said I just got out of (our city name) general hospital. I hurt myself closer to 3PM and just got out. Give me a break, dude."
Cop: "Oh... have a good night."
 
2013-08-29 08:43:53 PM

Bareefer Obonghit: I realized long ago that explaining to a third party is usually useless, because fark them, why do they deserve an explanation? It's usually funnier not to explain anyways.


I used this theory once when I called up a restaurant and asked if they had round or square tables. They told me, I said "Thanks!" and hung up. Probably not the weirdest thing, but I figured it was definitely a WTF moment for them.
 
2013-08-29 09:39:55 PM

Bedstead Polisher: Bareefer Obonghit: I realized long ago that explaining to a third party is usually useless, because fark them, why do they deserve an explanation? It's usually funnier not to explain anyways.

I used this theory once when I called up a restaurant and asked if they had round or square tables. They told me, I said "Thanks!" and hung up. Probably not the weirdest thing, but I figured it was definitely a WTF moment for them.


That's a fair question. Here in California there's a chain called Round Table Pizza. They've got square tables.
 
2013-08-29 10:59:55 PM
Subby
You owe me four seconds of my life for clicking on that link
Not charging for the thirty seconds I'm wasting writting this comment
 
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