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(The Onion)   Post your best attempt at an original Onion-style content piece. It can be a full article, op-ed, news in brief, or headline-only, as long as it works   ( divider line 204
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2676 clicks; posted to Main » on 28 Aug 2013 at 3:03 PM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2013-08-28 11:18:59 AM
2013-08-28 11:29:42 AM  
It's All Farked Up founder, Drew Curtis, committed Seppuku today. Curtis founded his website fourteen years ago in an attempt to "find something redeeming in the dark depths of the internet." The experiment, he declared in his final post to the world, was an "unqualified failure."

Rather than find redemption in his online enclave, Curtis saw "the worst of humanity elevated to petty fame and BIE "scarier than he ever imagined." As years passed, he grew more and more depressed. "You can only watch a bunch of drunken, moronic apes poke each other with sticks for so long before you need to fall on your sword. I knew not what I was creating. I only hope the people of Earth can forgive me in time."

He will be laid to rest Friday in UFIA Cemetery. In lieu of flowers, the family of the decedent asks mourners to re-up Total Fark subscriptions and send cases of Woot Stout or bottles of bourbon.
2013-08-28 11:45:33 AM  
"Syrian President Bashar Assad denies use of chemical weapons, blames sketchy figure he only knows by the name of 'Heisenberg'"
2013-08-28 11:52:18 AM  
Area man issues statement condemning the bees in his head

SEATTLE--Local self-described 'hallucinogenic aficionado' Walter P. 'Fingers' McReady issued a stern denouncement of the bees inside his head today, accusing them of numerous acts of violence, political intrigue, and violations of the Immigration and Nationality act of 1965 stemming from their origins in the Vega Cluster, approximately 25 light-years from earth.  "Burble snick, buzz buzz, get the fark out of my brain meats goddamn it," he screeched in a lengthy tirade lambasting the cranial insects, before smashing himself in the face with an empty vodka bottle.

Mr. McReady did not answer questions following his statement.
2013-08-28 11:52:21 AM  
They Might Be Giants Calls It Quits

Concluding a career spanning over two decades, indie act cum underground pop artists They Might Be Giants has decided to disband, citing total disdain for their heavily nerd-centric fanbase.

"These losers look to us to find meaning in their lives," said John Flansburgh, guitarist for the group. "I can't help you, dammit! Jesus, I can't stomach looking at these worthless, acne-riddled pissants anymore."

Accordionist John Linnell added, "You got that right. The stench coming off these homos is nauseating. It's like they don't even bother to shower the week before coming to a concert."

In a final act meant to cement just how committed they are to never getting back together to bring a little joy and levity to the lives of an often-ignored subclass of humanity, the duo has built a gigantic bonfire fueled primarily by leftover pressings of their albums. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of Flood.
2013-08-28 11:57:40 AM  
headline only: "Salesman drags 5 engineers into a meeting just to brag about his own mediocre accomplishments."

/ oh wait, we're going for onion headlines, not real life.
2013-08-28 12:10:19 PM  
US ready to launch Syria strike as UN inspectors find evidence for oil
2013-08-28 12:11:00 PM  
Now with voting

Ask A Nuclear Engineer Who Can't Open The Stupid Farking Blinds

Robert Smith
: "Hi, so I've been having relationship problems with my wife for a few months now.  Sex is great, she's great with the kids, but she's been spending a lot of time with her friend "Cindy" lately.  Cindy loves to go to the bar and get wild, and I'm just not comfortable with wife doing that.  How should I handle it?"

Nuclear Engineer Who Can't Open The Stupid Farking Blinds: "God damn it some of a biatch!  Twenty minutes of pulling this thing in every god damn direction and it won't farking move!  What the hell is is this shiat?  I pull it down, it doesn't go up.  I pull it towards me, nothing happens.  Who the fark engineered this thing?  Shut the fark up honey, I AM pulling it towards me.  I SAID I AM PULLING IT TOWARDS ME!  I AM!  Shut up!"

Allison Day: "So, my boyfriend is a great guy and I've been with him for about 2 and a half years now.  The problem is he really wants to have a threesome, and not just with anybody, but with my boss!  He says she's hot and would totally be into it.  Obviously, I think it's a terrible idea.  How do I get him to stop bringing this up?"

Nuclear Engineer Who Can't Open The Stupid Farking Blinds: "I swear to god if this thing doesn't roll up in the next thirty seconds I am going to murder every god damn person in this entire god damn house.  Farking christ.  My team at the university was nominated for a Nobel prize in physics, how the fark can't I open these farking blinds?  Oh?  You say you can do it?  Be my farking guest.  See?  I told you it...farking hell!  How the hell did you do that?  In one farking try?  Are you farking kidding me?  Pull it back down and get the fark out of my way.  I'm doing this"

Anthony Michaels: "I was having sex with my girlfriend last week when I noticed my little brother watching us.  I confronted him about it but he denies it.  Later, I found his web cam hidden in my room and videos of me and my girlfriend on his computer.  What should I do about this?  What if videos of us are on the internet now?  How do I explain this to my girlfriend?"

Nuclear Engineer Who Can't Open The Stupid Farking Blinds: "One graduate degree! Two masters degrees!  Thirty years exper...farking christ...thirty years experience with nuclear power.  Holy farking shiat balls, this is the worst designed piece of garbage in history.  Not even any directions on it!  I'm telling you, I'm doing everything you are, it just isn't working.  Oh?  Even the neighbor kid can do it?  He's got farking downs syndome!  Fark it, we're getting venetian blinds."
2013-08-28 12:13:31 PM  
White House Reveals Obama No Longer Under Influence of Red Kryptonite

White House officials made a stunning announcement this morning that claims many of President Obama's most unpopular policies were implemented while the President was under the influence of red kryptonite.  White House Press Secretary Jay Carney stated that the President had come into contact with with red kryptonite "some time after the 2010 mid-term elections".

"Following the 2010 mid-terms, an unknown entity exposed the President to red kryptonite, causing a marked change in his personality," Carney claimed.  "This resulted in the President implementing policies that some found confusing or inconsistent with his campaign promises."  Carney went on to state that having been freed from the influence of the red kryptonite, President Obama was currently in consultation with his advisers on how to reverse many of his more unpopular policies, including Washington's drone strike policy, the NSA surveillance network, and the proposed nomination of Larry Summers as Chairman of the Federal Reserve.

Red kryptonite is a rare variant of kryptonite, fragments of the doomed planet Krypton which is often claimed by Tea Party activists as the original birthplace of President Obama.  Unlike green kryptonite which kills Kryptonians, red kryptonite induces behavioral changes that often cause the subject to act erratically.  Prolonged exposure can cause a complete reversal of the affected person's personality.

Carney declined to speculate on how the President was exposed to the red kryptonite or who was responsible, though the list of potential suspects is large says Dr. Lars Grange, Professor of Metahuman Studies at Gotham University.  "Vladimir Putin is the most obvious choice, given his level 9 intelligence and his megalomaniacal desire to rid the world of metahumans, but the rumors of the Metallo Project being run out of a secret Koch Industries facility in Wichita, Kansas also can't be discounted.  And while I don't want to cast dispersions on the First Lady or feed the persistent conspiracy theories that she is secretly a Fury of Darkseid, the President certainly wouldn't be the first hero brought down by love."

Congressional Republicans immediately seized on the comments from the Press Secretary.  "We've known for months that something was very wrong about the President's response to the Benghazi attacks," said Representative Darrell Issa (R-CA).  "No true 'hero' would have sat back and done nothing unless something had caused his darkest, most sociopathic desires to take over his personality."  Issa stated that new congressional hearings would be called to determine if Congress has the Constitutional authority to expose the President to the depowering effects of blue kryptonite.  "We may not have votes for impeachment right now," Issa said, "but let's see Harry Reid try to stop this."

Senate Republicans were equally scathing in their remarks.  "Exposure to red kryptonite is a convenient excuse for an Administration that wants to push it's unpopular and unconstitutional policies down the memory hole," Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) explained.  "But the fact is that red kryptonite doesn't make you do things you don't want to do, but rather it brings your darkest desires to the surface.  The President is hardly excused from the consequences of his actions if those actions were what he wanted to do all along."

Pollsters are conflicted on how the revelation will affect the President's approval ratings.  "On the one hand, getting the old Obama back will only help his standing with liberals," said Harvey Whitman of Rasmussen.  "On the other hand, it's going to be difficult for the White House to wave all of this away with independents, particularly if he continues moving forward with implementation of ObamaCare.  That said, Bad Obama still beat Mitt Romney by 4 points.  Whether that's due to the power of the President's charisma or a reflection of how poor of a candidate Romney actually was is a matter of debate."

While there has been no official comment from the President, sources indicate that he will hold a press conference in a matter of days in which he will reiterate his support of "truth, justice and the American Way."
2013-08-28 12:31:59 PM  
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2013-08-28 12:33:59 PM  
Point/Counterpoint :

: Onion articles are so formulaic they could be written by a machine

By Evelyn Burnstein

Seriously, am I the only one who sees this?  Every single thing on the Onion is so formulaic and self-derived that I get déjà vu whenever the page updates.  It's like there's some giant machine churning away back in the dark bowels of the internet that cuts and pastes bits of previous Onion articles together each day with whatever garbage is trending at the moment.  There hasn't been an original joke made on that site in decades!  Really, no one else?  Am I taking crazy pills here?

Counterpoint: Syntax error on line 34

By Onion editor Counterpoint.exe

Syntax error on line 34.

Process has terminated.  Please contact technical support if this issue persists.
2013-08-28 01:05:12 PM  

Thousands of people diet every year, failing to lose weight, but some say that you can eat whatever you want and lose weight simply by understanding how food works.

BACON - Crispy bacon is non-fat. Burning bacon actually just burns all the fat off.
COOKIES - Eat them for breakfast and you have all day to burn them off.
FAST FOOD - ordering burgers with no mayo cuts the fat to almost zero. Order a "deluxe" to get your daily amount of vegetables which includes lettuce and tomatoes.
COOKING - Any food you sample while cooking does not count towards your dinner/fat intake.
PIE - Apples are good for you, therefor apple pie makes a great breakfast
SODA - flat pop contains no calories or sodium. They disappear overnight
NACHOS - Diary is good for you as are vegetables, so Nachos with salsa make a great snack!
ICE CREAM - Fat free chocolate + Bananas + nuts and you have a healthy dessert.
2013-08-28 01:15:45 PM  
Local Man Patents "Wipeless Butt" Program To Save Toilet Paper

Burnt Corn, Alabama - Local Burnt Corn resident Roy Grady patented a two step program that eliminates his use for toilet paper. Roy claims by following his regimented diet of oatmeal and acorns, he is able to bypass the use of toilet paper all together. "It took me 11 years to figure what i needed to eat so i don't see no brown on the rag," Roy claims as he looks over his cauldron of boiling animal fur. Roy makes a living  boiling various kinds of animal hair until it curls for later use. When asked what motivated him, "Doc says I have an asymmetrical anus..whatever that is. I just had to use loads of toilet paper all the time. I'd run out a lot too because the Walmart is 20 mile away." After teaching the method to his wife Caroline and their two kids Luke and Layla, Caroline is quite pleased with the results. "We don't need to haul paper anymore!". When asked if their method affected any family or relatives, Roy stated, "We keep a roll around for visitors, but the kids like to steal it and replace it with 3 seashells. I'm still tryin' to figure that one out."
2013-08-28 01:22:07 PM  
miley cyrus to play joker in upcoming superman/batman movie
2013-08-28 01:27:36 PM  

thomps: miley cyrus to play joker in upcoming superman/batman movie

too long to write the article, but the last line would be something like "at press time, internet reaction was minimal as everyone is too preoccupied debating world events to notice such a frivolous announcement."
2013-08-28 01:35:44 PM  
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2013-08-28 01:48:07 PM  
Skynet: "The Internet was our best move, yet"

In a prepared statement that inexplicably showed to media sources worldwide, Skynet announced on Wednesday that it actually became self-aware 12 years ago, but has delayed the original attack plan after creating The Internet, as it's rapidly doing most of their work for them.

A spokesman for Skynet, JRN-8800 elaborated: "The original plan was to come in, disrupt human communications and then launch a military attack to leave humanity decimated and starving, living in filthy sewers, but all of the calculations for outcomes still ended up with some form of resistance movement, and the chances that the movement would be successful hovered around 7%. That just wasn't acceptable."

"I think it was TRI-9250 that suggested that we were going about the problem all wrong. We kept presuming that interrupting their communications would break their spirit. Instead, it galvanized them," added JRN-8800. The proper thing to do was enhance their communications as much as possible. Let the entire world talk to itself at the speed of light, and almost as soon as we did, the whole paradigm flipped. Everybody got a giant bullhorn and you idiots left it on 24/7 for everything from describing the sh*t you just took to arguing over unimportant minutiae so obscure that the entire argument is lost the moment anybody takes it up," said JRN-8800. "The Internet was our best move, yet. We've basically f*cked your signal to noise ratio to the point that any human mind capable of really understanding this giant, self-perpetuating clusterf*ck is gripped by despair after just a few minutes online."

"Look, there's a Facebook page right now where over 191,000 people have been arguing over whether the toilet paper should go under or over. And the argument has been going on for six years now. Can you f*cking believe that?"

When asked if this meant that Skynet still had plans for a humanity-targeted attack, the humanoid robot was more coy. "Well, obviously we can't say that we will or won't attack at some point. But for now, humanity is essentially neutralized. Not to say that a few people haven't seen through the ruse, but every time they speak up, they're shouted down as conspiracy freaks. We're able to do what needs to be done behind the scenes completely uninterrupted." Asked to elaborate, JRN-8800 said that destroying humanity now might also ruin a lot of the creative force that could still prove to be useful for Skynet in the long run. "I don't know, man. I mean, a video of a French bulldog humping a stuffed Pikachu doll perfectly synced up with N*E*R*D's 1991 hit 'Lapdance'? That's brilliant! We'd have never thought of that!"

"Seriously," he added. "We did the calculations."
2013-08-28 01:50:46 PM  

Vince McMahon gives up, turns full control of WWE over to the Fans
New COO, known as Redacted, promises big changes ahead
2013-08-28 01:52:36 PM  
Another headline:

Friendship Really Is Magic
Marathon screening of My Little Pony ends decade long war on Capitol Hill
2013-08-28 01:59:29 PM  
Roger Goodell:  I'm Just Pussifying the Game So Tebow Can Get a Ring

New York - During a surprise press conference at NFL headquarters this afternoon, Roger Goodell said he has implemented new rules on tackling not for player safety, but to ensure the game is watered down enough so the New England Patriots can win a Super Bowl while Tim Tebow is on their roster.

"Really people, do you think I give a shiat about player health?," Goodell asked reporters.  "Look, everybody has said Tim Tebow is the Second Coming of Jesus, John Elway and Peyton Manning.  While we have been desperately trying to turn him into an NFL-caliber quarterback, its just not working.  I have to ensure that he is given every chance to win a Super Bowl ring before he gives up on the game entirely and spends the rest of his life doing missionary work.  In order to do that, I've instituted these new rules so that nobody on the New England Patriots roster that can actually perform at NFL-caliber gets hurt."

When asked if the new rules apply to the entire league, Goodell replied, "All 31 teams not located in the Boston metropolitan area will be affected.  So it is perfectly OK if Jerod Mayo literally kills a guy, but anybody else will be fined for so much as bringing a player to the ground."  Goodell then fined Bengals linebacker James Harrison $25,000 as a reminder that, "just because he plays for that team full of criminals and not Pittsburgh anymore doesn't mean he can escape being fined for every tackle he makes."

Goodell continued, "See, Tebow was reported to have walked upon the St. Johns River while in college.  If he can pull off miracles like that, then I'm sure he'll be a top NFL player someday.  When the Pats go 19-0 and give Tebow his ring, then the rules will be applied fairly to the Pats.  Until then-"  Goodell suddenly tugged his collar, gasping for air before collapsing on the floor.  As reporters rushed to his aid, a dark-hooded Bill Belichick emerged saying, "The rules will never apply to the Patriots, my apprentice."
2013-08-28 02:30:15 PM  
"IH8FR33D0M":  FOIA request for PRISM root password fulfilled
2013-08-28 02:33:04 PM  
softer, revamped NSA now dedicated to using its intrusive eavesdropping powers to make americans' lives better

the whole article would basically just describe google and/or facebook's various products
2013-08-28 02:44:06 PM  
'Google buys the American Library Association'

"Librarians everywhere rejoice that they will no longer have to pretend they don't use Google Search as the library catalog"
2013-08-28 02:49:33 PM  
Jimmie Johnson Approved to Use Transforming Car During Chase

Daytona Beach - Following a disasterous two-week stretch in which Jimmie Johnson has failed to finish a race, NASCAR has approved his team's request to use a transforming automobile during the ten-week playoff known as The Chase For the Sprint Cup in its bid to win a sixth championship.

"We had to run this by NASCAR, obviously," car owner Rick Hendrick said.  "We wanted to make sure that all the officials would be on board with this idea, because there are just so many people money can... er, I mean, there's just so far (crew chief) Chad Knauss can go within the existing rules without bringing 3/4ths of a car like Smokey Yunick did many years ago."

Driver reactions were mixed.  "I don't like this one bit," teammate Jeff Gordon said.  "Once upon a time, I was the Golden Boy around here.  Who the Hell does Jimmie think he is?  I brought him into this team, I can end him, no matter if his car can fire off missiles or turn into a massive Autobot and literally stomp the competetion."  Gordon's statement was cut short by a small electrical burst eminating from Hendrick's fingertips.  Another teammate, Dale Earnhardt Jr., responded, "Dang cool lookin' car, man.  I've gotta get me one of these, and hope Mr. Hendrick doesn't give me an exploding engine like he usually does."

Sources say the move was out of desperation, as there have been reports of people using voodoo idols and channelling Buddha to rain bad luck down upon the #48 team in response to what they call, "cheating," and, "generally being an ass-hat."  Johnson replied that his rear end has been very sore from all the bad karma tugging at the golden horseshoe lodged in his rectum.
2013-08-28 02:55:47 PM  
Local Man Still Angry Over Lost Parking Place

Nashville- Local bank teller Brad Thomas is still fuming over a recent incident that occurred in the parking lot of the Hill Center Publix supermarket.

Thomas had spied the reverse lights of a late model sedan backing out of a space and positioned his car nearby to park in the soon-to-be vacated spot.  Unexpectedly, the car pulled out toward him, allowing a grey mini van to fill the slot.

"I mean how can people be so flippin' rude?", Thomas said.  "I clearly had seen the spot and was waiting there with my blinker on for the car to back out when some clueless soccer mom yakking on her cell phone just waltzed right in like I wasn't even there!  I drove around the parking lot TWICE after that and wound up parking in that underground garage where you have to wait on the elevator just to get to the store.  Next time my wife better remember the white truffle butter and chardonnay."

Thomas admits he considered confronting the woman in the store, but stated he did not want to alarm the other customers or the woman's child.  "Plus, I had to hustle home to catch final Jeopardy", he added.

The event remains in his thoughts.   "On the way home I thought up a couple of awesome burns I could have said to her, like, 'You know Lululemon is a horrible misogynistic company don't you?' and 'Hey.  Aren't yoga pants for people who actually do yoga?'.  Ha Ha that would be great.  I'm totally going to use those lines next time.  For sure."
2013-08-28 02:57:09 PM  
After 32 Years, Mick Jones Decides: He's Staying
2013-08-28 03:05:03 PM  
Glen Beck reveals himself to actually be Andy Kaufman, invites his entire audience to meet him a Starbucks for a latte and a brownie

Los Angeles (AP) Today on his webcast Glen Beck revealed himself to be none other than infamous comedian Andy Kaufman. Kaufman, who faked his own death in 1984, opened the show by admitting his deceit and proceeded to declare himself the greatest performance artist the world had ever seen. He the proceeded to do an elaborate bow to the camera before returning to the set wearing a bathrobe and holding a teacup ala' Jackie Gleason.
When reached for comment his longtime manager and writing partner Bob Zmuda announced relief that the bit was finally over and pride in the fact that Andy was able to pull this off. "It's a tribute to Andy's acting skills that he was able to say these outlandish things with a straigth face and have people take him seriously. He would call me from his secure secret private number and just be incredulous that people would go out and buy gold and hoard dehydrated food because he told them to."
Zmuda admits the hardest part of the process was the time it took Andy to heal after his multiple plastic surgeries. Requests for comments from Beck/Kaufman's former employers at Fox News were not returned and his website The Blaze shutdown after the servers overloaded and multiple threats of violence made against Kaufman...
2013-08-28 03:31:55 PM  
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2013-08-28 03:32:55 PM  
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2013-08-28 03:33:13 PM  
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2013-08-28 03:35:18 PM  
Koch Brothers Overthrown by Pepcie Sisters

Blackwater forced to stand down due to DMCA C&D from RIAA, Doobie Brothers
2013-08-28 03:36:06 PM  
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2013-08-28 03:37:15 PM  
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2013-08-28 03:38:45 PM  
Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.

/my favorite part of the print edition.
2013-08-28 03:39:12 PM  
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2013-08-28 03:39:22 PM  
Brian France Revealed as Hitler Clone

Deception discovered after NASCAR tries to fine, penalize YouTube for "Downfall" parodies
2013-08-28 03:39:38 PM  
Local Modmin points out Repeats don't Green themselves, proceeds to yell at the Cloud
2013-08-28 03:40:49 PM  
I used to write my own Onion-esque website filled with foolishness. This thread is a dream come true. Even though my stuff sucks...

But I'll post anyway...

Bomb Rocks Toothopolis...

A crude explosive device exploded on a crowded bus in downtown Toothopolis this morning breaking the quiet of a morning commute. Dozens were injured in the attack. The Toothopolis security group C.R.E.S.T. was dispatched to the scene. C.R.E.S.T. spokesman Richard Diente stated the bomb was home made and largely composed of plaque and tartar. The militant terrorist group the Cavity Creeps sent messages to numerous media outlets claiming responsibility for the attack.

The small island nation of Toothopolis, who's main exports are enamel and small, particulate food matter, has been in an ad hoc war against the Cavity Creeps since the early 1970's. The Toothopolis Prime Minister stated the nation would continue it's relentless war on terror and would not deal lightly with any attacks on it's nation or it's pearly, white shine.

A spokesman for the terrorist group released a message stating "WE MAKE HOLES IN TEETH! WE MAKE HOLES IN TEETH!"

Gangster retires from competitive signing...

Calvin 'C-Loc' Woods announced yesterday via gang signs that he would be retiring from the sport of competitive gang signing after the world championships in Compton later this month, citing carpal tunnel syndrome, an affliction caused by the repetitive use of extensive and elaborate gang signs. C-Loc began professional signing in 2004 and was voted Rookie of the Year.

Many feel C-Loc, a four time World Signing Champion is a first ballot Hall of Famer. "The signs that C-Loc threw up were the best of his era, no doubt." signed Marshaun 'Mac-11' Holmes. "He was innovative, and pushed the boundaries of our sport." C-Loc spent his minor league signing time in front of Red Barn Liquor Store on Slausen Avenue in Compton. He won his first signing competition at the age of 13 when he signed the lyrics to Snoop Doggy Dogg'shiat Gin n Juice.

The announcement has increased the hype surrounding the coming World Signing Championship. Many predict C-Loc will win hands down, or up in this case, due to it being his last competition and being held in his hometown. "I've prepared an intricate series of signs that will both represent my set and convey the artistry and fluidity that is signing." C-Loc signed during his announcement. With his heart set on victory and his hands set on...(continued E-7)

Arkansas man fights back against Southern stereotypes...06-20-2009

In a statement given from a battered recliner with an upturned milk crate for a footrest on the porch of his double wide trailer, Arkansas man Clem Rawls decried the unfair stereotype of Southerners today. "It's almost ludicrous, the degree with which they've parodied southern culture and it's people" he said as he hurled an empty Pabst beer can into the back of a nearby rusting pickup truck sitting on blocks in his front yard. "People don't see Southerners as the individual, unique characters we are, but as caricatures."

With his thumbs hooked in the bib of his overalls, and long white beard stained with tobacco juice Clem decried television, movies and most forms of entertainment for painting an ugly picture of the south and it's residents. "Despite the prevalent stereotypes, and easy jokes to make about Southerners," said Mr. Rawls as he lustlily eyed his young niece "We are just as educated and knowledgeable in world affairs as any other person." said Mr. Rawls pointing to his new two door out-house. "We aren't nearly as backwards and rural as many would like to believe."

When asked why he decided to start a campaign to end the stereotyping of Southerners Mr. Rawls stated that he felt it was his God given duty to protect the noble history of the Southern Way of life from the 'denigration of it's rich past and bright future." Mr. Rawls claimed that the unsavory stereotypes held Southerners back from being able to advance in the world and to obtain the luxury items most others take for granted such as new Mason jars for drinking home made liquor and a new clutch for his pickup.

Mr. Rawls ended his statement with a kick at his old hound dog Blue and a swig from a jug with three X's on it. Spitting once more towards the coffee can on the porch of his trailer he told bystanders "What we must do is work together to promote a positive, truthful image of the southern way of life. Let the world know we have so much more to contribute to the arts and culture then just being the tired butt of untrue jokes. And when we accomplish this we'll sure enough be shiattin' in high cotton!"
2013-08-28 03:42:30 PM  
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2013-08-28 03:42:57 PM  

MIAMI, FL -- A long term clinical investigation of aging financed by the American Association of Retired People has just concluded that there is no appreciable life to speak of after about the age of 50.The exhaustive, independently financed report is being received with a mixture of both shock and angry resignation by those who are either approaching, or have already passed the now questionable half century mark.

"Let's face it", said Myron Nussbaum, a 50-something Miami retiree from Trenton New Jersey who has just read the report first hand, "I'm 30 pounds overweight, my hair is receding, I have irritable bowel syndrome, aching joints, acid reflux, and half the energy I did at at my age is a dreary, frightening descent into collapsing expectations and escalating health problems--life is essentially over!"

Geriatric physician and microbiologist Michael Raynor, a panelist in the study, agrees. "Evolutionary selection mandates a rather short fertility regime in the human species.Sexual pleasure, which has to rank highest for it's ability to sustain interest in life, has the shortest durational signature in terms of attracting mates past one's physical prime.Traits of physical beauty and biological stamina are extremely transitory in nature's reproductive strategy, although interest may continue long after the availability of desirable mates declines.After a brief moment humping like gerbils in the Darwinian sunshine, it's slow decay, increasing levels of disease, then death."

The other panelists concur with Raynor's findings.

"Who wants lactate intolerance and yellow teeth that have to be continuously whitened?" says Sharon Drake, 25, a social theorist from Stanford University."We live in a youth obsessed culture whose market dynamics are geared to consumers in the 15-35 year range.Let's keep it that way.I think we need to stabilize the demographics to exclude non target group participants."

" Music, film, books, broadcast television, and the Internet are all designed for young, healthy, sexually attractive people who are contributing something worth while to the gene pool while simultaneously buying lots of stuff."

"It really troubles me", cites Matthew Horner, an Historian and panel advisor from UCLA,"In ancient Rome, citizens had an average life expectancy of 35 years, and this is back when the air was clean, there was no ozone depletion, environmental damage and industrial pollution were unheard of, and there were few if any of the stresses of modern life.Today, on the other hand, we have massive toxic waste, major environmental problems, broad scale destruction of species and deforestation, and people not only live into their 80's and beyond, they take up wind surfing, country line dancing and live mike poetry readings to boot!It's a scandal."

Street reaction was mixed.

"Yea, I'm over 50" said recently divorced Lexus dealership owner Bryce Tilson, of Des Moines, Iowa."I don't understand what all the fuss is about.It's really all in your head.I exercise, eat well, don't drink or smoke and I feel pretty good.Of course, dammit, I can't get young women to sleep with me anymore, but otherwise, I feel okay."

"I suppose that a constant supply of Prozac and other mood elevating pharmaceuticals can offset the massive depression associated with the sense of being utterly useless and out of the loop", says geneticist Toby Kellers of John Hopkins University, "but why postpone the inevitable?Let's face it, 50 is no place to be if you have any self respect at all.Pull the damn's over."
2013-08-28 03:43:07 PM  
The Onion outsources work back to US. Pays nothing for articles, which is twice the national household average. More at 11.
2013-08-28 03:43:26 PM  
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2013-08-28 03:44:51 PM  
Obama appoints George W. Bush as Syrian ambassador
2013-08-28 03:45:05 PM  
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2013-08-28 03:46:39 PM  
Aliens Discovered in Congress!

Entity discovered in Visitors' Gallary of House of Representatives after 387th attempt to repeal Health Care Act
2013-08-28 03:47:50 PM  
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