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(News Daily)   France is "ready to punish" Syria, presumably by halting exports of brie and Château Margaux   ( divider line
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1820 clicks; posted to Main » on 27 Aug 2013 at 3:44 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2013-08-27 03:52:40 PM  
3 votes:
Someone needs to post it:

-Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman -ed.]

-Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

-Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

-Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

-Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

-War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

-The Dutch War
- Tied

-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

-War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

-American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

-French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

-The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

-The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

-World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

-World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

-War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

-Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
2013-08-27 03:47:26 PM  
3 votes:

TuteTibiImperes: France has the next best Aircraft Carrier after ours, so they might as well use it once in a while.

I've heard they can deploy up to 40 simultaneous sternly worded letters.
2013-08-27 02:50:02 PM  
2 votes:

vpb: Relatively Obscure: Well, if anyone has a reason to be touchy about gas attacks, I imagine France qualifies.

Do they have Taco Bell there too?

You know what they call a Doritos Locos Taco in France?
2013-08-27 07:27:42 PM  
1 vote:
You American guys may want to read up on the French Foreign Legion before doing the surrender monkey routine. Those dudes have their own MOHs rating.

Nearly anyone can join the French Foreign Legion, you don't have to give a real name when you do so. At the end of five years, you emerge with French citizenship. Now, that's a pretty good deal. Except that the Legion has a policy of ensuring that at least 10 per cent of their soldiers die per year, the soldiers are not barracked in Europe but in hot spots around the globe, or if no fighting is available, they drop you off in French New Guinnea and simply don't feed you for a month. No, really.

So, you have to be pretty desperate to try it or get through it. We're not talking Gary Cooper in Beau Geste.

If you keep wondering why when you read foreign news, the French always seem to be involved in this or that conflict in places like Africa, it's because they keep their knives sharp. It's also why France is the go-to place if you need intelligence in some parts so of the world. This is why in some parts of the developing world, it's safe to be a French citizen working for a mining company or on the rigs because if some strong man decides to make trouble, Le Corpes expéditionnaire française comes in.
2013-08-27 05:10:03 PM  
1 vote:
Do Americans ACTUALLY think France, among the most belligerent and warlike nations in the history of the world, and one with one of the worlds most advanced (and most enthusiastic to blow shiat up) militaries around, are simpering cowards who send letters instead of bombs? The French are basically lunatics held in check by the pressure of the rest of europe.

I am sure the actual US military vets know this very well.. but shiat the rest of you bought a load of flannel.
2013-08-27 02:32:52 PM  
1 vote:
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