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(xoJane)   Remember the Jon Favreau answering machine scene in "Swingers"? This man wrote a letter that is the equivalent   (xojane.com) divider line 39
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14611 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Aug 2013 at 2:03 PM (47 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Smartest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-08-26 03:47:26 PM
4 votes:
"You wouldn't worry what other people think of you if you knew how seldom they do."
2013-08-26 03:24:32 PM
3 votes:
When I was in high school, I was complaining about some perceived slight to my mom and she turned to me and said "You know, people don't usually do things to you as much as they do things for themselves." Totally rocked my adolescent worldview because, well, I was a stupid teenager. But it helped.  Sounds the kid who wrote the letter could have used a dose of similar advice at some point.
2013-08-26 03:12:32 PM
3 votes:

tripleseven: Not to encourage any sad sacks out there, but, just imagine if I had not continued in my pursuit.


you'd be with someone else that'd probably make you just as happy?
2013-08-26 02:21:36 PM
3 votes:
Mandy had sex in high school. Adam did not.
2013-08-26 02:20:20 PM
3 votes:
No, it isn't. The scene in the movie was funny.
2013-08-26 04:54:24 PM
2 votes:
I saw someone write something a while back, I think on Cracked, that seems applicable here. Instead of sitting around wondering why that girl you were infatuated with never found you attractive, make yourself attractive. Being a nice guy isn't enough. There are lots of other nice guys out there, and they play guitar. Improve yourself. Achieve something. Write a book. Learn how to play an instrument. Excel in a career field. Give yourself something to offer to the opposite sex instead of just saying you are a nice guy and you aren't a jerk, selfish, etc. like all those other guys. It's like advertising for a restaurant and saying you haven't given anyone food poisoning.
2013-08-26 04:33:39 PM
2 votes:

CrazyCracka420: OldManDownDRoad you sound like the guy in the comic that Cyno01 posted.

Why do you have so many close female friends?


Maybe it's because he uses the word "preggers"?
2013-08-26 04:26:20 PM
2 votes:

Cyno01: abhorrent1: Never saw swingers.

Really? Go watch it. Its a bit dated, but generally great. Launched several careers.


hubiestubert: In all honesty, I hope all the self referenced "Nice Guys" read this and mebbee take a moment or two of reflection.

[686x953 from http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/friends.png image 686x953]


I'm sure that's valid a decent percentage of the time. In my experience, the two times I've ended up in the friendzone started as friendships that progressed to the point where we were spending so much time together and having so much fun that I simply couldn't help wanting to take it to the next level and really be able to be in love with my best friend. Of course, I was a much younger man in those days. Both times I finally had to come out and say, "Hey, I can't do this anymore. I can't just be friends. Nothing else interests me the way that you do. And even though I know I'm risking the connection that we have, I just have to know how you feel."

Crash and burn. Twice. But the last thing I would have ever done is try to manipulate or cajole either of those two amazing women. And I think that's how it is for a lot of guys in those situations.

Personally, I've found that you know if you have that spark within the first 2 times being with someone. Or, to rephrase....if you're wondering after weeks if somebody is interested....they aren't.

YMMV, obviously. Love, and people, are also unpredictable.
2013-08-26 03:05:45 PM
2 votes:
Yeah, the letter is bad, but I'll say this: You may regret the girl you were hung up on, and you may badly regret how you did it, but you don't regret the fact that you at least tried.
2013-08-26 02:57:34 PM
2 votes:
If this note was meaningless to her, why keep it for so long and then write about it?
2013-08-26 02:34:19 PM
2 votes:

hubiestubert: In all honesty, I hope all the self referenced "Nice Guys" read this and mebbee take a moment or two of reflection.


Yep. Women can spot weakness like a hawk. But somehow they can't spot the difference between confidence and douchiness until after being burned a few times, or in some cases many many times.
2013-08-26 02:32:49 PM
2 votes:
meh, i've probably written worse letters.  my only defense was that they were not as long.  my only hope is that they were destroyed.

/ news flash, some people were awkward when they were young
2013-08-26 02:21:25 PM
2 votes:
The letter author needs to chill, clearly.

But I did think that it was funny that the blog author notes that friends have called her cold and then goes on to the conclusion "People simply are not thinking about you."

She can't conceive that maybe SHE is cold.  She assumed the world is like her.

I see a sad over-emotional letter written to a clueless person here.
2013-08-26 02:18:28 PM
2 votes:
That letter pains me to read.... almost as much as it pains me to read that blog.
2013-08-26 02:11:07 PM
2 votes:
Nothing worse than teen angst.

Except reliving teen angst in a public forum.
2013-08-26 02:10:10 PM
2 votes:
In all honesty, I hope all the self referenced "Nice Guys" read this and mebbee take a moment or two of reflection.
2013-08-26 05:47:22 PM
1 votes:
Note to self:  Never date a blogger because she will invariably blog about you.
2013-08-26 05:39:39 PM
1 votes:

OldManDownDRoad:

And on and on. Sure, guys make bad decisions, but those bad decisions seem to be all over the map. Women's bad choices seem to revolve men who mistreat them. It's really sad, and one of the reasons I'm glad my close female friends are either happily married or have decided to just be single instead of dealing with guys who treat them like crap.

/and it's a damned mystery to me


People like that never learned the difference between lust and love. Most of the time, they're confusing the chemical cocktail that is happening around that person with feelings of genuine love. A lesson I had to learn myself growing up. Christ, I'm glad the internet wasn't what it is today when I was a teenager.

Com-un-sense: I saw someone write something a while back, I think on Cracked, that seems applicable here. Instead of sitting around wondering why that girl you were infatuated with never found you attractive, make yourself attractive. Being a nice guy isn't enough. There are lots of other nice guys out there, and they play guitar. Improve yourself. Achieve something. Write a book. Learn how to play an instrument. Excel in a career field. Give yourself something to offer to the opposite sex instead of just saying you are a nice guy and you aren't a jerk, selfish, etc. like all those other guys. It's like advertising for a restaurant and saying you haven't given anyone food poisoning.


I believe this is what you are talking about. Great article.
2013-08-26 05:01:01 PM
1 votes:
Here's my take (and I know you were all just waiting idly, nervously, twiddling your digits in anticipation...):

1. A lot of you skimmed the article, especially the parts where she explained that he was a good looking and successful guy who has done well for himself. They DID stay friends, this is years later, and the note had been forgotten and rediscovered.
2. Her estimation is that the note is both awkward and sweet, while he just finds it flat out embarrassing, but in a shrug-your-shoulder kind of way, because he doesn't mind her publishing it.
3. She uses the note as a kind of lesson that we shouldn't read too hard into other people's intentions. She also notes that it was her problems for being imperceptive and distant that she didn't pay enough heed to him.
4. Farkers can't help heaping aspersions upon either and/or both for their insecurities and poor choices to help them feel better than themselves, even if it means willfully ignoring the central points of the article.
5. It's a free country. You're allowed not to like the article or it's subjects, whether or not you were able to glean any insight from it.
6. I assign much to much importance to my own opinion, which according to the CRACKED douche thread makes me douche. I can accept this.
2013-08-26 04:43:22 PM
1 votes:

Magnanimous_J: Guys like the author of the letter always get themselves into trouble because they believe that simply being infatuated enough with the girl is enough, and it is not. They see the "jerks" ignoring the girls that they like and they think that they can make the girl happy by simply pouring love and attention on them. In reality, the "jerk" has something to offer, even if the girl can never articulate what that is exactly. Girls are also subconsciously aware that they, as flawed, selfish and mostly mediocre human beings, do not deserve that level of worship and find if creepy. I don't think that's a double standard either, if I had some girl who thought I was the most amazing man who ever lived, I would be totally weirded out and fear for the safety of my household pets. People like other people for what they can do for them, and the nice guy has nothing to offer but his cloying niceness, and that will never be enough.


That being said, your blog sucks, lady.


100% this. At least, when you're under 30. If being with you isn't going to elevate somebody's status in some way, you have no shot. People are insecure enough on their own. That "jerk" is probably a somebody in his own circles.
2013-08-26 04:37:39 PM
1 votes:
Guys like the author of the letter always get themselves into trouble because they believe that simply being infatuated enough with the girl is enough, and it is not. They see the "jerks" ignoring the girls that they like and they think that they can make the girl happy by simply pouring love and attention on them. In reality, the "jerk" has something to offer, even if the girl can never articulate what that is exactly. Girls are also subconsciously aware that they, as flawed, selfish and mostly mediocre human beings, do not deserve that level of worship and find if creepy. I don't think that's a double standard either, if I had some girl who thought I was the most amazing man who ever lived, I would be totally weirded out and fear for the safety of my household pets. People like other people for what they can do for them, and the nice guy has nothing to offer but his cloying niceness, and that will never be enough.


That being said, your blog sucks, lady.
2013-08-26 04:24:57 PM
1 votes:

hubiestubert: In all honesty, I hope all the self referenced "Nice Guys" read this and mebbee take a moment or two of reflection.


Here's the key part for those of you "Nice Guys" who thought TLDR:

"I remember zero ill will toward Adam. For whatever reason -- maybe because he liked me and didn't actually treat me like dirt? -- I wasn't into him at the time. I was of course obsessed with the guy who ignored me and would occasionally drunkenly come calling. Great judgment call there, Mandy."
2013-08-26 04:13:40 PM
1 votes:

No Expectations: If this note was meaningless to her, why keep it for so long and then write about it?


It the one and only time a guy expressed real feelings for her.
2013-08-26 04:01:21 PM
1 votes:

you have pee hands: As I get ready to open my mouth to say hello, you turn to someone on the opposite side of me to say something. My mind is thrown into a whirlwind of rage and my body starts shaking. How could you act ...

The guy's a whiny loser but what's so hard about actually answering the phone once and saying "It didn't work. I don't want to see you again." instead of just ignoring someone and hoping they stop calling?


because they may actually stop calling.  She is going after other unobtainable guys and getting partially rejected, but due to this guys interest, her ego can still be stroked by the fact that at least SOME guy likes her.  May not be the one she wants but its no like she is a loser that NO ONE likes.  It is an ego boost to drag people along like this.  This applies to both men and women, but it seems like women are more likely to keep someone around until they have someone else lined up.  Have known several women who will date just about anyone to not be alone while trying to get someone they desire.

Jeff Foxworthy has a joke about this where when she breaks up with you she has already found another horse or at least has the saddle ready.
2013-08-26 03:29:45 PM
1 votes:
sinfl.files.wordpress.com

RIP Favreau
2013-08-26 03:25:28 PM
1 votes:
1)  Jeez what a whiny ass
2)  biatch couldn't answer the phone and say "thanks, but no"?

Two losers
2013-08-26 03:22:16 PM
1 votes:
The cure for sad-sackishness is life-experience.  Go on a road trip.  Accumulate some stories, including some that don't start, "We were pounding beers and..."  An interesting 6 can compete with a boring 8.

I wrote a couple of these letters in high school.  I had the good sense not to send them.
2013-08-26 03:19:42 PM
1 votes:

OldManDownDRoad: amundb: So the takeaway from this is to treat women like shiat? Got it.

//Learned that a long time ago
///Only gets you through college though

Sadly, it's still true into middle age.

Among my female friends I can name

1. The woman who had a baby with a felon who was out on parole (for beating her) when she got preggers, he's back inside now for armed robbery. She's living in her father's basement.

2. The woman who just got preggers with a man she temporarily left last year after living with him for five years because he "wouldn't commit" but now says "he's all in now!" even though he still won't get married. I helped her step-dad refit her old bedroom into a nursery, we're both positive that she and the baby will be back soon.

3. The woman who just dumped a guy she'd been dating for two years in order to resume an affair with a married man.

And on and on. Sure, guys make bad decisions, but those bad decisions seem to be all over the map. Women's bad choices seem to revolve men who mistreat them. It's really sad, and one of the reasons I'm glad my close female friends are either happily married or have decided to just be single instead of dealing with guys who treat them like crap.

/and it's a damned mystery to me


It's no mystery at all. As a guy you get into that situation by being the object of lust instead of going after a girl you lust. Duh.
2013-08-26 03:19:38 PM
1 votes:
I'll wait for the Reader's Digest condensed version, thanks.
2013-08-26 03:14:11 PM
1 votes:

tripleseven: I obsessed over my fiancée for about 3 months, while she avoided me.

Finally, one day it happened.  She gave reasons for the distance, which were extremely valid.

Not to encourage any sad sacks out there, but, just imagine if I had not continued in my pursuit.

It did get close, of course, to me sucking it up and walking away.

This was 12 years ago, and we're still together.


But not married. After 12 years. She must still have doubts ;-)
2013-08-26 03:08:21 PM
1 votes:

tripleseven: I obsessed over my fiancée for about 3 months, while she avoided me.

Finally, one day it happened.  She gave reasons for the distance, which were extremely valid.

Not to encourage any sad sacks out there, but, just imagine if I had not continued in my pursuit.

It did get close, of course, to me sucking it up and walking away.

This was 12 years ago, and we're still together.


She settled then?

Happens.
2013-08-26 03:04:38 PM
1 votes:
You owe me 5 minutes, subby.
2013-08-26 02:46:03 PM
1 votes:
OH Jesus someone buy that guy a sloppy slut ASAP.
2013-08-26 02:45:05 PM
1 votes:

abhorrent1: Never saw swingers.


Really? Go watch it. Its a bit dated, but generally great. Launched several careers.


hubiestubert: In all honesty, I hope all the self referenced "Nice Guys" read this and mebbee take a moment or two of reflection.


imgs.xkcd.com
2013-08-26 02:43:07 PM
1 votes:
I think we all have stories we wish weren't told.  I know I have a similar story with a girl...
2013-08-26 02:41:52 PM
1 votes:

hubiestubert: In all honesty, I hope all the self referenced "Nice Guys" read this and mebbee take a moment or two of reflection.


My reflection here is this: nobody you're obsessing over is worth the effort. But that might not have enough self-blaming in it for you.
2013-08-26 02:37:20 PM
1 votes:

Satan's Bunny Slippers: blocked at work.

Copypasta anyone?


***

"The Fool on the Hill"

I'm sure I'll often wonder why I even bothered to write this letter. Bet then again, what that we do really matters? This has been a confusing week of disheartening realizations and I feel as if I've been the recipient of ill will from a lot of people.

It started with finally figuring out that you could give less than a nanosecond of thought to the fact that I exist. Actually, you are probably languishing over the thought of having to interact with me again since you have my CDs and I have your coat. This is a bad time.

There was a quote in The Daily today that was tell-tale of your actions toward me over the past two and a half weeks: "(After we first hook up), when I see him I'll say 'hi'. Then if I'm not interested, I'll usually end up blowing him off." And girls wonder why I can be so insecure and self-deprecating! They do it to me. Everything will seem fine between us, then she'll simply act like I'm a stranger without elaboration. Case-in-point illustration: After we went out all seemed fine except maybe I'd been a little too bashful at times. I called you a couple of times a week, most of the time having to leave a message.

When I did get to you, you'd say you're behind on school or be doing something else. Hint taken. I know that if someone likes you -- extreme circumstances aside -- they're going to find a way to spend time with you. So I pretty much knew what the deal was, but I still felt like pursuing it a bit, getting no positive feedback. Your roommate acts like my friends and I are trash when we run into her at frat parties. Then two weeks to the day since I'd last seen you, I see you approaching with a group of about four other people. We make brief eye contact.

As I get ready to open my mouth to say hello, you turn to someone on the opposite side of me to say something. My mind is thrown into a whirlwind of rage and my body starts shaking. How could you act so differently from the mild-mannered, extremely mature and laid-back girl I met nearly a month before? What has changed? Have you met 6,000 new people and now have no need for me? Do you think I'm a dork and never want to see me again? Have I done you some grave injustice? Was I too obvious in my intentions? And If I was, what's wrong with that? Or am I the victim of some ignominious rumor? Or have I been type cast as if in high school? It sure as hell feels like I have. And now I'm sitting here listening to Abbey Road, one of your favorite CDs.

How am I going to ever listen to Pearl Jam or the Beatles in the same way ever again? Boy, you're gonna carry that weight a long time. You have such a powerful effect on me -- almost mesmerizing. Friends tell me to forget about you and move on. How can I or should it be that easy? When you really like someone, you can't lose sight of them that easily. And how painful it is when they're forcing you to try. I'm no simpleton. I'm not one who can lie down and simply go to sleep when I go to bed. My mind races constantly -- when I'm trying to sleep, listening to a lecture or staring dumbfoundedly at the object of my desire.

I feel like I've always got a headache, and I often have trouble thinking clearly and succinctly. And often I fail to organize what's important in life. But what does this have to do with the topic of the letter? I guess it's part of my subjective character synopsis. This letter may seem extremely self-pitying, but dammit, I deserve it. Please tell me if this makes any sense, if I'm misreading the situation, or if you want to keep blowing me off, that's your prerogative (didn't misuse that one). Silence speaks so much louder than words.

***
2013-08-26 02:23:25 PM
1 votes:

hubiestubert: In all honesty, I hope all the self referenced "Nice Guys" read this and mebbee take a moment or two of reflection.


The result of his efforts?  Being confined to life long friend zone
2013-08-26 02:08:02 PM
1 votes:
This kind of shiat happens weekly in TFD
 
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