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(Cracked)   Four douches who amazingly don't seem to know they suck. Missing from the list: The Cracked editor who splits every article into multiple pages   (cracked.com) divider line 40
    More: Obvious, parking spaces, douche bags, multiples  
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13626 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Aug 2013 at 9:02 AM (45 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Smartest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-08-26 02:33:59 PM
3 votes:
The customer service one is clearly written by someone who doesn't do a lot of business over the phone, customer service or otherwise.

The customer is not always right, in fact they are often laughably wrong.
2013-08-26 09:36:31 AM
3 votes:
- People who hold elevator doors open so they can carry on a conversation
- People who stop dead at the top of escalators
- People who try to squeeze through an amber light and end up stranded in the middle of the intersection
2013-08-26 02:14:28 PM
2 votes:
Hadnt been to cracked in awhile -- i figured i'd give it another chance. Nope. Still butthurt biatching from someone who thinks hes hot shiat.

I parked in a handicapped zone once... Someone left a note on my windshield saying "you're not handicapped but maybe you should be" -- and that pissed me off. Why? Because i had no way of knowing it was a handicapped spot till the spring. The sign had been knocked over and the parking lot was covered with a quarter foot of packed snow. Nothing distinguished it from anyof the other stalls. Someone local got to feel like some 'big man' and the world was no better or worse.

The world is full of assholes. Take a chill pill and freaking relax. Stop being so concerned with what other people are doing. They are dicks but it doesnt mean you have to be a dick or get your panties in a twist because of it.

Stop giving so many farks about stuff.
Driving goes smoother (and way better for your health and psyche) if you relax and just worry about your own vehicle rather than how other fools drive.
Handicapped spots? Me Myself and Irene
Customer service guy is a dick? Just be super super polite. Then get over it.
People wont accept your apology? farkem. Why get your panties twisted over what some tool thinks?
2013-08-26 12:16:31 PM
2 votes:

Ker_Thwap: People who won't accept an apology?  This story made me hate the article author with the heat of a thousand burning suns.

So, I was being an inconsiderate jerk in public, knowing full well my actions will inconvenience every other person I come in contact with, and she wouldn't accept my half-hearted apology which made me angry!


I think you missed the point of it... both parties made a mistake, but he apologized and she was a self righteous coont.
2013-08-26 11:51:09 AM
2 votes:

tripleseven: Fano: factoryconnection: The handicapped-parking scammers and merge-rushers deserve everyone's scorn.  The list was worthwhile, even if his example for #1 was too personal to be effective.

But mostly because of his rightful calling out of merge-rushers.  People trying to "win" at traffic are the cause of most of its problems.

The contra argument, that some dildo can't merge on to the highway without trying to go just at ramming speed to the car that's already on the highway, instead of merging in behind them, is left unsaid.

Prickwaving dickfight

On the highway, you're merging of a right exit.  It's backed up about a half mile.  I want to publicly beat the asshats who drive all the way down the left, and try to push their way in at the front.

Also, people who drive down the on ramp (ramping) to get 4 cars ahead in traffic.

You wouldn't walk to the front of a line fo rthe movies, etc. and just ease your way in, cause people WOULD beat you, however, a lot of people think its OK in a car.


The "asshats" know how to drive better than you.  It's been beat to death in previous Fark threads, but you're basically an idiot who's angry at smart people for not being idiots.

And, yes, "idiot" because you can't be bothered to check a DOT website before getting angry.  It doesn't take all that much intelligence to know to check something before getting upset at people for doing things the "wrong" way.
2013-08-26 11:35:26 AM
2 votes:

NeilJam42: 1. Don't hurry up to pull out in front of me just to go 5 mph once you're on the road. Especially when there's plenty of space after I pass your driveway or intersection.


Here in wonderful Victoria Australia you can be ticketed for doing 103 in a 100 km/hr zone.  That is about 2 mph in a 60 mph zone.  Since they brought that in the number of tailgating related accidents has gone up something like 30%.  And they are running "wipe off 5" ads which get all the elderly to slow down even more.  I guess they just want to kill them off so they don't have pay their pensions.  They run adds saying "5 over the limit increases your rate of accident by 4 times" yet they don't seem to run ads with "driving 10 under the average increases your odd of a crippling wreck a thousand times more than if you kept up with traffic"
2013-08-26 11:25:02 AM
2 votes:
I don't know if it's become more prevalent or maybe I'm just noticing it more now, but I am always seeing shopping carts left in handicapped spaces. These are clearly not ones left there by those who need these spaces, but by someone too lazy to push the cart into the cart corral.

As for driving:
1. Don't hurry up to pull out in front of me just to go 5 mph once you're on the road. Especially when there's plenty of space after I pass your driveway or intersection.
2. The left lane is for passing. People who match the speed of the vehicle next to them for miles are the worst, either speed up and pass, or drop back and follow them.
3. A Yield sign does not necessarily mean stop. Pay attention to the traffic before you get there, you may be able to keep going.
2013-08-26 10:22:47 AM
2 votes:

Fee Tines a Mady: ReapTheChaos: If you're not in a wheelchair or using some other device to enable or assist mobility then you have no business parking in a handicapped space.

Not technically true. My dad has COPD (so not a disability one might immediately pick up on based on the lack of mobility device), yet he certainly can't walk from the back of the parking lot to the front door of the store.


There are numerous physical disabilities that don't require external devices but are still serious enough to warrant handicapped parking. That poster is either trolling or  debilitatingly literal-minded.
2013-08-26 10:20:04 AM
2 votes:

ReapTheChaos: If you're not in a wheelchair or using some other device to enable or assist mobility then you have no business parking in a handicapped space.


Not technically true. My dad has COPD (so not a disability one might immediately pick up on based on the lack of mobility device), yet he certainly can't walk from the back of the parking lot to the front door of the store.
2013-08-26 10:02:06 AM
2 votes:
Contents of the article aside, you're not a douche unless you think you're hot shiat.  It's a requirement; idiots think they're smart, cheapskates think they're generous, and douches think they're the most awesome people in the world.

The people who are honest about being assholes at least deserve a nickel's worth of respect.  That's all they get, but self-awareness can lead to good things now and then.
2013-08-26 09:31:56 AM
2 votes:
Read my comment after the jump.
.
.
.
.
.

Please stop doing that, you twats.
2013-08-26 09:25:09 AM
2 votes:

ReapTheChaos: If you're not in a wheelchair or using some other device to enable or assist mobility then you have no business parking in a handicapped space.


i0.kym-cdn.com
2013-08-26 09:13:26 AM
2 votes:
The handicapped-parking scammers and merge-rushers deserve everyone's scorn.  The list was worthwhile, even if his example for #1 was too personal to be effective.

But mostly because of his rightful calling out of merge-rushers.  People trying to "win" at traffic are the cause of most of its problems.
2013-08-26 09:10:41 AM
2 votes:

Pocket Ninja: Writers, readers, and submitters of Cracked articles would seem to round out the list, then.


for instance, the jerk who was reading his email while walking, then running into the person in front of him, and not understanding why she did'nt care about his apology
2013-08-26 08:47:12 AM
2 votes:
Writers, readers, and submitters of Cracked articles would seem to round out the list, then.
2013-08-26 04:11:38 PM
1 votes:

ReapTheChaos: If you're not in a wheelchair or using some other device to enable or assist mobility then you have no business parking in a handicapped space.


Wrong! My daughter is not visibly handicapped, but her Cystic Fibrosis makes it so hard for her to breathe that having to walk farther than necessary to get somewhere makes her have to cut the time she can spend in the place she needed to go in the first place. She properly has a handicapped placard and uses it.

You shouldn't make blanket statements like the above.
2013-08-26 03:43:26 PM
1 votes:

gito: Egoy3k: If you ever happen to find yourself working in the 666th circle of hell, or a 'call center' as they are commonly referred to you'll meet lots of #3s.  Well if they don't have a problem then they don't call, moron.  Millions of customers are out there happily not having screwed up accounts and bills.


Then again most of the problems that I encountered were caused by the customer after repeated warnings.  Like the genius who had no block on text messages and no texts were included in his plan from the 1990s. He had notes on his account that showed him refusing a new plan on two occasions even though the new plans were cheaper and changing your plan doesn't renew your contract or anything. He had also in the past refused a text messaging block just in case he needed to send a few texts a month.

His son then sent like 1200 text messages in one month and he decided that because his son was underage that we couldn't possibly hold his son responsible for the charges.  I explained that he was the account owner and we were holding him responsible and not his son. I even offered to remove the charges on the condition that he agreed to a text messaging block or a modern plan that included text messages.

He responded by threatening to kill me and my family and screamed obscenities at me until he got to speak with my manager.

So yeah sometimes we didn't care about your problems because the guy before you was a complete asshole and we get tired of dealing with shiat from morons.

Indeed. Customer service is one of the few forums in life where society says it's kind of ok to be abusive to a complete stranger and there are plenty of people on both sides of that phone who really relish that.


I'm just glad that job was a temporary setback on the road of life and not the end result of shiatty choices.  I've worked in a really stressful job with an abusive boss and still manged to be a generally happy person.  That job, however, was actually damaging to my mental health and I consider myself to be a pretty levelheaded guy who doesn't let trivial stuff bother him.  Literally the most miserable year of my life.
2013-08-26 01:46:06 PM
1 votes:

Egoy3k: If you ever happen to find yourself working in the 666th circle of hell, or a 'call center' as they are commonly referred to you'll meet lots of #3s.  Well if they don't have a problem then they don't call, moron.  Millions of customers are out there happily not having screwed up accounts and bills.


Then again most of the problems that I encountered were caused by the customer after repeated warnings.  Like the genius who had no block on text messages and no texts were included in his plan from the 1990s. He had notes on his account that showed him refusing a new plan on two occasions even though the new plans were cheaper and changing your plan doesn't renew your contract or anything. He had also in the past refused a text messaging block just in case he needed to send a few texts a month.

His son then sent like 1200 text messages in one month and he decided that because his son was underage that we couldn't possibly hold his son responsible for the charges.  I explained that he was the account owner and we were holding him responsible and not his son. I even offered to remove the charges on the condition that he agreed to a text messaging block or a modern plan that included text messages.

He responded by threatening to kill me and my family and screamed obscenities at me until he got to speak with my manager.

So yeah sometimes we didn't care about your problems because the guy before you was a complete asshole and we get tired of dealing with shiat from morons.


Indeed. Customer service is one of the few forums in life where society says it's kind of ok to be abusive to a complete stranger and there are plenty of people on both sides of that phone who really relish that.
2013-08-26 01:33:35 PM
1 votes:

ciberido: The mixture of self-righteousness and butthurt in this thread is intoxicating :)


ciberido: tripleseven: ciberido: And, yes, "idiot" because you can't be bothered to check a DOT website before getting angry.  It doesn't take all that much intelligence to know to check something before getting upset at people for doing things the "wrong" way.

I am sure you feel quite proud of yourself, however, what part of MERGING OFF AN EXIT do you not understand?

[farm5.staticflickr.com image 370x300]


We call tell, you single handedly had the most self righteous and idiotic post, at once.
2013-08-26 12:21:02 PM
1 votes:

ciberido: The "asshats" know how to drive better than you. It's been beat to death in previous Fark threads, but you're basically an idiot who's angry at smart people for not being idiots.

And, yes, "idiot" because you can't be bothered to check a DOT website before getting angry. It doesn't take all that much intelligence to know to check something before getting upset at people for doing things the "wrong" way.


I must remember to add  this to my list of "things that stupid people think smart people say".

At the risk of beating this to death again, there is a world of difference between the best way to merge when two lanes narrow down to one, and the best way to "merge" into traffic that has slowed/stopped to exit the highway from a lane that is continuing at normal speed (or would be without your incompetent merging). You are, again, quoting recommendations about the former to justify the latter.
2013-08-26 12:14:39 PM
1 votes:
John Cheese is the best cracked writer... his articles are insightful, hilarious, and full of this mean dark spirit that I can appreciate...
2013-08-26 12:13:22 PM
1 votes:

tripleseven: Pangea: tripleseven: You wouldn't walk to the front of a line fo rthe movies, etc. and just ease your way in, cause people WOULD beat you, however, a lot of people think its OK in a car.

Sorry. Even though I merge early and judge those who don't, many studies and several state laws disagree with us.

"In a late merge, both lanes are used until the merge point. Then vehicles from each lane take turns going forward. Typically, signs tell drivers to stay in their lanes and when to merge."

"A University of Nebraska study that's often cited by late-merge advocates found that the method allowed 15 percent more traffic to move forward than early merging. It also found that in heavier traffic, forced merges dropped by 75 percent and cases of drivers straddling both lanes fell by 30 percent."

"If somebody's not doing the merging the way you do, it's not because they're bad people," he said. "It's because they have a different idea on how this should happen."

http://www.pennlive.com/midstate/index.ssf/2012/08/rules_of_the_roa d_t heres_littl.html

There's one exit lane.  You're either in the exit lane, or not.  If you drive down the free lane on the left, then try to push in at the last moment, you are creating a safety issue, because you're blocking the traffic that is validly using the free lane ..ie. not exiting.


This is the key part. People are abusing a study about how to merge when two lanes go down to one (use both lanes fully) to justify how not to merge into an exit lane from a non-exit lane. So if you use this justification for your douchey behavior, you are doubling down on the doucheness.
2013-08-26 11:16:19 AM
1 votes:
Sometimes I park
in the handicapped spaces,
while handicapped people
make handicapped faces.
I'm an asshole!
2013-08-26 11:08:18 AM
1 votes:

OldManDownDRoad: /people who abuse that system are terrible human beings


I used to know someone (boyfriend of a friend) who would park in handicapped spots, and when he'd get out of the car he'd do this exaggerated spastic walk all the way into the store. In retrospect, he turned out to be, of course, a terrible human being. I should have seen that a long way off. And if there's an afterlife, I expect to be severely chastised for laughing at his a-hole antics back then. But I will give him points for commitment to premise.
2013-08-26 11:02:11 AM
1 votes:
I have to admit I have no idea why so many Farkers get pissy if an article is on more than one page.
My pet driving peeve is people who pass me, and then slow down enough that I have to put on the brakes.
2013-08-26 10:39:07 AM
1 votes:
The other day I was walking on a crowded New York City street when the young woman in front of me suddenly and abruptly slowed down while I was checking my email...

Fark you up the ass with a rusty railroad spike.

Its people like you that make me glad when a taxi hops a curb and slams into farks like you who do not pay attention to their surroundings.
2013-08-26 10:18:15 AM
1 votes:
How about the dicks who don't understand that the onramp is for getting up to highway speed before they merge, who instead creep along and try to merge in at 30 and then spend the next mile slowly getting up to 65. What are they, carrying nitroglycerin or something?
2013-08-26 10:11:24 AM
1 votes:
Well, the story about the guy who bumped into the girl while checking his email on his phone... I would have punched you. You are as bad as someone driving while texting. And YOU, SIR are the douche, not the girl who had to stop.

I would have shoved your email up your ass.
2013-08-26 10:09:52 AM
1 votes:

tripleseven: You wouldn't walk to the front of a line fo rthe movies, etc. and just ease your way in, cause people WOULD beat you, however, a lot of people think its OK in a car.


Sorry. Even though I merge early and judge those who don't, many studies and several state laws disagree with us.

"In a late merge, both lanes are used until the merge point. Then vehicles from each lane take turns going forward. Typically, signs tell drivers to stay in their lanes and when to merge."

"A University of Nebraska study that's often cited by late-merge advocates found that the method allowed 15 percent more traffic to move forward than early merging. It also found that in heavier traffic, forced merges dropped by 75 percent and cases of drivers straddling both lanes fell by 30 percent."

"If somebody's not doing the merging the way you do, it's not because they're bad people," he said. "It's because they have a different idea on how this should happen."

http://www.pennlive.com/midstate/index.ssf/2012/08/rules_of_the_roa d_t heres_littl.html
2013-08-26 10:07:15 AM
1 votes:

ryant123: Tyrosine: SmackLT: I'm not a fan of Cracked, but it did introduce me to Seanbaby's writing, so I do owe them that much

Allow me to introduce you to some of Seanbaby's earlier works:

http://www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com/

Oh God, I haven't seen that in years. I'm supposed to be doing job applications, not reading about Super Fatty teaching us the fire safety today.


No matter how old I get that site has the power to release the 12 year old in me.

The hate mail section is also good.
2013-08-26 10:07:10 AM
1 votes:

tripleseven: Fano: factoryconnection: The handicapped-parking scammers and merge-rushers deserve everyone's scorn.  The list was worthwhile, even if his example for #1 was too personal to be effective.

But mostly because of his rightful calling out of merge-rushers.  People trying to "win" at traffic are the cause of most of its problems.

The contra argument, that some dildo can't merge on to the highway without trying to go just at ramming speed to the car that's already on the highway, instead of merging in behind them, is left unsaid.

Prickwaving dickfight

On the highway, you're merging of a right exit.  It's backed up about a half mile.  I want to publicly beat the asshats who drive all the way down the left, and try to push their way in at the front.

Also, people who drive down the on ramp (ramping) to get 4 cars ahead in traffic.

You wouldn't walk to the front of a line fo rthe movies, etc. and just ease your way in, cause people WOULD beat you, however, a lot of people think its OK in a car.


oh my, while we're getting our hate on, how about assholes that remain in lanes that are closing out until the last possible second and then try to force their way in to the normal lane, even though there was a sign that said "lane closed, one mile." i don't mean folks who get trapped because there isn't a natural car length to squeeze in, and are waiting for the right chance. Jerks who made the decision to drive up an empty lane while everyone else merged as instructed. even worse, when dildos actually change lanes multiple times when all lanes are in gridlock, as though getting one car length in front means something.
2013-08-26 09:52:23 AM
1 votes:
If you ever happen to find yourself working in the 666th circle of hell, or a 'call center' as they are commonly referred to you'll meet lots of #3s.  Well if they don't have a problem then they don't call, moron.  Millions of customers are out there happily not having screwed up accounts and bills.


Then again most of the problems that I encountered were caused by the customer after repeated warnings.  Like the genius who had no block on text messages and no texts were included in his plan from the 1990s. He had notes on his account that showed him refusing a new plan on two occasions even though the new plans were cheaper and changing your plan doesn't renew your contract or anything. He had also in the past refused a text messaging block just in case he needed to send a few texts a month.

His son then sent like 1200 text messages in one month and he decided that because his son was underage that we couldn't possibly hold his son responsible for the charges.  I explained that he was the account owner and we were holding him responsible and not his son. I even offered to remove the charges on the condition that he agreed to a text messaging block or a modern plan that included text messages.

He responded by threatening to kill me and my family and screamed obscenities at me until he got to speak with my manager.

So yeah sometimes we didn't care about your problems because the guy before you was a complete asshole and we get tired of dealing with shiat from morons.
2013-08-26 09:49:50 AM
1 votes:

Fano: factoryconnection: The handicapped-parking scammers and merge-rushers deserve everyone's scorn.  The list was worthwhile, even if his example for #1 was too personal to be effective.

But mostly because of his rightful calling out of merge-rushers.  People trying to "win" at traffic are the cause of most of its problems.

The contra argument, that some dildo can't merge on to the highway without trying to go just at ramming speed to the car that's already on the highway, instead of merging in behind them, is left unsaid.

Prickwaving dickfight


On the highway, you're merging of a right exit.  It's backed up about a half mile.  I want to publicly beat the asshats who drive all the way down the left, and try to push their way in at the front.

Also, people who drive down the on ramp (ramping) to get 4 cars ahead in traffic.

You wouldn't walk to the front of a line fo rthe movies, etc. and just ease your way in, cause people WOULD beat you, however, a lot of people think its OK in a car.
2013-08-26 09:44:40 AM
1 votes:
- People who sit on weight machines carrying on a conversation while others are waiting for the machine
- Inattentive drivers impeding traffic in the passing lane while talking on their cellphones

OBLIG IN A FARK THREAD:
- Bicyclists
- Vegans
- Parents of children
2013-08-26 09:39:10 AM
1 votes:

God Is My Co-Pirate: - People who hold elevator doors open so they can carry on a conversation
- People who stop dead at the top of escalators
- People who try to squeeze through an amber light and end up stranded in the middle of the intersection


Those are pretty good.
2013-08-26 09:26:44 AM
1 votes:

SmackLT: I'm not a fan of Cracked, but it did introduce me to Seanbaby's writing, so I do owe them that much


Allow me to introduce you to some of Seanbaby's earlier works:

http://www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com/
2013-08-26 09:26:16 AM
1 votes:
I agree with the subby about the ed... but at least they aren't a "Featured Partner".
Now that sucks!
2013-08-26 09:24:50 AM
1 votes:
People who won't accept an apology?  This story made me hate the article author with the heat of a thousand burning suns.

So, I was being an inconsiderate jerk in public, knowing full well my actions will inconvenience every other person I come in contact with, and she wouldn't accept my half-hearted apology which made me angry!
2013-08-26 09:18:36 AM
1 votes:
[rant on]
WTF is the deal with these weird numbered lists?  Top ten, I get.  Top 100 is a little excessive, but sure.  Top 5, fine.  Why in the blue blazes to I care what the 17 best of headshots in movies are?  Is there a joke I'm missing?  Top 42 philosophies - haha, HHGTTG.

4 douche bags.  Four?  Why four?  is he criticizing a band? NO!  It's just 4 random f*cking douches for no goddamned reason.  Not only that, it's just generic random douches.  "Hey, what's the deal with that jerk in traffic?  And how about that jackoff Anthony Weener, you seen that in the news?"  It's like a Leno monologue but less funny, in not nearly as related to current events, and I have to click something for the last section of it.

And another thing, why in the HELL is all journalism done through slideshow now?  I get it's 90% fluff, but why do I have to click through each individual paragraph?  Do you think your advertisers are falling for your hit-count?  Try effective advertising with click-through response.  You get that up and you can double your advertising rates AND put your dong in a PR rep's butt.  They will literally allow you to f*ck them up the butt if you are effective.

[Rant off]
2013-08-26 09:13:34 AM
1 votes:
If you're not in a wheelchair or using some other device to enable or assist mobility then you have no business parking in a handicapped space.
 
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