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(Slate)   Dear Prudence, My slutty good for nothing niece is about to marry my bastard son. What should I do?   (slate.com ) divider line 30
    More: Obvious, Prudi, David Plotz, Emily Yoffe, nieces, biological fathers, Prudie advises  
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18217 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Aug 2013 at 4:11 PM (2 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2013-08-20 02:05:16 PM  
8 votes:
From a genetic standpoint, their relationship is actually still distant enough for the risks to be negligible.

From a financial standpoint, Maury would probably pay a small fortune for this one.
2013-08-20 02:22:33 PM  
7 votes:
I was feelin' pretty down
'Till my girlfriend came around
We're just so alike in every way
I gotta say

In fact, I just thought I might
Pop the question there that night
I was kissing her so tenderly
But woe is me

Who would have guessed
Her family crest
I'd suddely spy
Tattooed on her thigh
And son-of-a-gun
It's just like the one on me

Tell me
How was I supposed to know we were both related?
Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated
What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose
And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes
And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?
2013-08-20 04:24:12 PM  
6 votes:
My grandmother was the child of first cousins, and I turned out just potato.
2013-08-20 04:39:20 PM  
4 votes:
Well, Johnny be fine and Johnny be fair he wants me for to wed
And I would marry Johnny, but my father up and said,
"I'm sorry to tell you daughter what your mother never knew
But Johnny he's a son of mine, so he's kin to you."

Well, Willie be fine and Willie be fair he wants me for to wed
And I would marry Willie, but my father up and said,
"I'm sorry to tell you daughter what your mother never knew
But Willie he's a son of mine, so he's kin to you."

Well, Jimmy be fine and Jimmy be fair he wants me for to wed
And I would marry Jimmy, but my father up and said,
"I'm sorry to tell you daughter what your mother never knew
But Jimmy he's a son of mine, so he's kin to you."

Well, never was there a girl so sad and sorry as I was
The boys in town, they're all my kin and my father is the cause!
I will not be contented for to die a single miss
I think I'll go to mother and complain to her of this.

"Well, daughter, haven't I taught you to forgive and to forget?
So, your father sowed his oats, oh still you should not fret.
Your father may be the cause of all the boys in town, but still.....
He's not the one who sired you so marry whom you will."
2013-08-20 04:18:54 PM  
3 votes:
cue the letter in a year:

Prudie,
My family and in-laws lied to me and let me marry my cousin. I thought I loved her, but this breach of trust really gives me second thoughts.  But the hot cousin sex is good.  What should I do?
2013-08-20 04:13:58 PM  
3 votes:
This is why the preacher asks "If anyone here knows of a reason these two should not be wed speak now"  He should definitely speak up at that point I'm sure all involved would thank him.
2013-08-20 05:17:22 PM  
2 votes:

illannoyin: The brides cousins were already drunk and frisky during the wedding ceremony. They wanted me to drive them to the reception but I declined and drove home to my girlfriend.I have always regretted not going with them.


i.imgur.com
2013-08-20 04:54:04 PM  
2 votes:

Nana's Vibrator: Chinchillazilla: Now that they're in love, there's absolutely no way to stop this without farking them up for life. Unless the family already has a lot of recessive genetic disorders, the chances of farked-up babies from a one-off first cousin marriage is really slim. Just leave them alone.

If you're a cruelly funny person, when do you think the best time to reveal this would be?  They've likely already been having sex.  They're not married yet.  The big reveal is his dad is not really his dad and he's been f*ing his cousin.
I say on a Today Show with Matt Lauer special during the reception.


After they have their first kid. Ask to hold your grandchild and when they get confused explain and swear up and down that you thought you had mentions it before.
2013-08-20 04:29:29 PM  
2 votes:

Was his name Clevon?

encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com

2013-08-20 04:27:50 PM  
2 votes:
Actually, come to think of it, I'm surprised no one has hijacked Slate's comment thread with pictures of Spiderman.
2013-08-20 04:21:26 PM  
2 votes:

PhilGed: The weirder part of that whole question is the Prudi response, which is basically,
"don't tell anyone they're cousins, and btw I think cousin farking should be legal."


I noticed that, too and snortled as I was reading it.  This is a weird aside, but I remember reading an advice column on Boston.com where an older divorced woman had not dated in decades and asked for advice.  The usually normal advice columnist told her to shave her vagina.
2013-08-20 04:19:49 PM  
2 votes:

blatz514: I have three incredibly hot cousins.  There, I said it.


What are you saying?  You want to date one?  Post pictures and we'll help you choose.
2013-08-20 04:16:07 PM  
2 votes:
I have three incredibly hot cousins.  There, I said it.
2013-08-20 04:13:33 PM  
2 votes:
I thought Sean Bean died in first season.
2013-08-20 02:46:29 PM  
2 votes:
Spay or neuter your pests.
2013-08-20 08:04:16 PM  
1 vote:
Am I the first one to point out that if the niece is actually indeed slutty, she's good for at least *ONE* thing?
2013-08-20 06:46:37 PM  
1 vote:

TheShavingofOccam123: Your only hope is to put on your best pair of crotchless panties, slather yourself in pickled egg juice, roll in ground up pork rinds then tell that bastard son you are his late night love snack.


Does it have to be pork rinds?  We're jewish.
2013-08-20 05:10:39 PM  
1 vote:

DROxINxTHExWIND: Dear Prudence, My slutty good for nothing niece is about to marry my bastard son. What should I do?

Get a van and replace the steps leading up to your house with a ramp to get ready for the grandkids.


And start saving for a banjo
2013-08-20 05:08:57 PM  
1 vote:

blatz514: LeroyBourne: blatz514: I have three incredibly hot cousins.  There, I said it.

What are you saying?  You want to date one?  Post pictures and we'll help you choose.

One is married.  One lives in Oregon and the other one, well, yikes*.

*She hasn't gotten around I have been told.

/also she's only 18


Nothing wrong about you getting randy at the thought of your hot 18-year-old cousin, it's perfectly natural. Lots of guys get randy at the thought of your hot 18-year-old cousin.
2013-08-20 05:04:15 PM  
1 vote:
img.fark.net


WWWWWWWWESTSIDE biotches!
2013-08-20 05:03:24 PM  
1 vote:

illannoyin: Years ago I went to a friend's wedding up in the wild hinterlands of Wiscansin.

The brides cousins were already drunk and frisky during the wedding ceremony. They wanted me to drive them to the reception but I declined and drove home to my girlfriend.

I have always regretted not going with them.


Man, am I glad you didn't go with them!  Seriously!  That was the best night of my life.

Thanks!
2013-08-20 04:58:59 PM  
1 vote:
i.imgur.com
2013-08-20 04:36:27 PM  
1 vote:

theflatline: Halstread: theflatline: I have six pretty good looking sister in laws, so if something happens to the wife, i can move one on in, cause it ain't like we blood related. They are all the same size as my wife, so i wouldnt have to worry about a new wardrobe.

/sister in laws mmm mmm mmm

So... in your parts if your wife dies you remarry a sister of hers, and have to supply the clothing?

No, it is a common joke my wife makes with me, it something happens to her, I can marry one of her sisters.  We joke about it because they all share clothes, shoes, etc, so it would not be much a strain to move one in..


How..exactly does that conversation go?

Wife: They borrow all my stuff they may as well borrow you, too!
You: *no response due to awkwardness*
Wife: ha ha ha ha you should bang my sisters!  Ha ha ha!
You: maybe just ask Brittany to give me a handy while we're all drunk?
Wife *Slap!*  you're such a sick pervert!  I'm leaving you!
You: OK, I'll get the lube
2013-08-20 04:35:44 PM  
1 vote:

Nana's Vibrator: Chinchillazilla: Now that they're in love, there's absolutely no way to stop this without farking them up for life. Unless the family already has a lot of recessive genetic disorders, the chances of farked-up babies from a one-off first cousin marriage is really slim. Just leave them alone.

If you're a cruelly funny person, when do you think the best time to reveal this would be?  They've likely already been having sex.  They're not married yet.  The big reveal is his dad is not really his dad and he's been f*ing his cousin.
I say on a Today Show with Matt Lauer special during the reception.


The meanest time would be when she's a couple days away from popping out their second child.
2013-08-20 04:31:38 PM  
1 vote:

Nana's Vibrator: Chinchillazilla: Now that they're in love, there's absolutely no way to stop this without farking them up for life. Unless the family already has a lot of recessive genetic disorders, the chances of farked-up babies from a one-off first cousin marriage is really slim. Just leave them alone.

If you're a cruelly funny person, when do you think the best time to reveal this would be?  They've likely already been having sex.  They're not married yet.  The big reveal is his dad is not really his dad and he's been f*ing his cousin.
I say on a Today Show with Matt Lauer special during the reception.


Probably busting in on them while they're having sex
2013-08-20 04:30:43 PM  
1 vote:
Are Dear Prudence letters sponsored links now?  I swear, we see more of these than we ever saw Cracked lists.
2013-08-20 04:27:13 PM  
1 vote:

theflatline: I have six pretty good looking sister in laws, so if something happens to the wife, i can move one on in, cause it ain't like we blood related. They are all the same size as my wife, so i wouldnt have to worry about a new wardrobe.

/sister in laws mmm mmm mmm


So... in your parts if your wife dies you remarry a sister of hers, and have to supply the clothing?
2013-08-20 04:22:37 PM  
1 vote:
I have six pretty good looking sister in laws, so if something happens to the wife, i can move one on in, cause it ain't like we blood related. They are all the same size as my wife, so i wouldnt have to worry about a new wardrobe.

/sister in laws mmm mmm mmm
2013-08-20 04:20:31 PM  
1 vote:
Your only hope is to put on your best pair of crotchless panties, slather yourself in pickled egg juice, roll in ground up pork rinds then tell that bastard son you are his late night love snack.
2013-08-20 04:13:45 PM  
1 vote:
post photos of the wedding, thats what you should do.
 
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