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(Slate)   Dear Prudence, My slutty good for nothing niece is about to marry my bastard son. What should I do?   (slate.com) divider line 141
    More: Obvious, Prudi, David Plotz, Emily Yoffe, nieces, biological fathers, Prudie advises  
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18163 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Aug 2013 at 4:11 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-08-20 05:26:17 PM  

King Something: blatz514: LeroyBourne: blatz514: I have three incredibly hot cousins.  There, I said it.

What are you saying?  You want to date one?  Post pictures and we'll help you choose.

One is married.  One lives in Oregon and the other one, well, yikes*.

*She hasn't gotten around I have been told.

/also she's only 18

Nothing wrong about you getting randy at the thought of your hot 18-year-old cousin, it's perfectly natural. Lots of guys get randy at the thought of your hot 18-year-old cousin.


There is a perk to her being hot;  whenever my uncle invites me along for boat rides, my cousin usually invites a friend or two along.  WIN!
 
2013-08-20 05:30:30 PM  

RyansPrivates: cue the letter in a year:

Prudie,
My family and in-laws lied to me and let me marry my cousin. I thought I loved her, but this breach of trust really gives me second thoughts.  But the hot cousin sex is good.  What should I do?


No, here is her letter of the year:

Dear Prudence:
I was in a Wal-mart the other day and the ghost of a dead confederate slapped my son and called him a catamite. However, the internet won't believe me. However, poppa tells me that if you read something in Dear Prudence, it must be so. Tell me, do homophobic ghosts exist?

-Flustered in Florida Nuthouse


Vyktoriah, your internet friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Vyktoriah, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Vytoriah, there is a homophobic ghost. He exists as certainly as hate and insanity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Homophobe Ghost. It would be as dreary as if there were no VYKTORIAHS. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Homophobe Ghost! You might as well not believe in Spentmiles! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the Wal-Marts in Florida to catch Homophobe Ghost, but even if they did not see Homophobe Ghost coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Homophobe Ghost, but that is no sign that there is no Homophobe Ghost. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course you did, because you're crazy, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.


You may tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, fancy, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VYKTORIAH, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Homophobe Ghost! Thank God! he lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Vyktoriah, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the glories of FARK.
 
2013-08-20 05:30:34 PM  

Millennium: From a genetic standpoint, their relationship is actually still distant enough for the risks to be negligible.


What are the odds of a brother and sister passing along genetic defects to their child if neither parent has genetic defects?
 
2013-08-20 05:35:00 PM  

heili skrimsli: varmitydog: WTF? Don't they require blood tests for your marriage license up there in the DC area?

The blood test is for syphilis, not a genetic test that can determine if someone is your cousin.


This, although they test for a few other diseases as well.  Its been abolished in most states, but a handful still have them.  It used to be for STDs like syphilis, but in some places they also test for Sickle-Cell Anemia if you're both African American, or for other recessive gene type diseases based on race.
 
2013-08-20 05:35:46 PM  

worlddan: Millennium: From a genetic standpoint, their relationship is actually still distant enough for the risks to be negligible.

What are the odds of a brother and sister passing along genetic defects to their child if neither parent has genetic defects?


Comparable the the risks a man would incur by wearing tight jeans all the Tim, or a woman having a kid in her 40s.
 
2013-08-20 05:46:15 PM  

Fano: abfalter: "Destination wedding"?!!?

If I was invited to a wedding and was expected to make travel arrangements to their honeymoon location in order to attend there would be no way I'd be attending!

I can see spending to go out of town to a wedding; but the very idea that the bride and groom are going to make EVERYONE pay to do this seems absolutely insufferable.  I'd laugh my way out of the room if they actually were offended when I said I would not be going.

This is the best actual advice in the column. Quit having destination weddings, assholes. People are perfectly content to watch you get married somewhere they can easily get to and not have to hang out with you on vacation too.


Fortunately I haven't been invited to a destination wedding yet.  On one hand it's presumptious as all hell to invite everybody to spend the one vacation a year they can afford on the cruise to wherever to watch a wedding on the beach.  On the other hand, it cuts down on the people you didn't really want at your wedding.
 
2013-08-20 06:00:01 PM  
Hasn't anybody else heard the term "kissin' cousins" before?

/rural family background
 
2013-08-20 06:00:24 PM  

ManateeGag: "slutty" you say?


Go onnnn....
 
2013-08-20 06:01:23 PM  
Well, you could try farking her.

/just saying.
 
2013-08-20 06:02:06 PM  

Fano: abfalter: "Destination wedding"?!!?

If I was invited to a wedding and was expected to make travel arrangements to their honeymoon location in order to attend there would be no way I'd be attending!

I can see spending to go out of town to a wedding; but the very idea that the bride and groom are going to make EVERYONE pay to do this seems absolutely insufferable.  I'd laugh my way out of the room if they actually were offended when I said I would not be going.

This is the best actual advice in the column. Quit having destination weddings, assholes. People are perfectly content to watch you get married somewhere they can easily get to and not have to hang out with you on vacation too.


Lol I don't get the anger about this.

If you get an invitation to a destination wedding and you hadn't already planned on attending it you're just supposed to send a gift. I would think that's obvious
 
2013-08-20 06:02:21 PM  
I don't really care about the genetics issue, but I do have a big farking problem with these parents LYING to their adult son to save mom the horror of admitting she's a cheating slut. The guy has a right to know! If they still choose to get married knowing they are cousins, then fine, but that is THEIR decision to make. And they should make it before any kids come along. Genetic testing is becoming designer and common place more and more so the chances of them finding out someday is pretty good. Lets not destroy a few innocent future kids lives when this blows up and the cousins get divorced all because the whore mother wants to save face.
 
2013-08-20 06:03:28 PM  
Isn't there an episode of Nip/Tuck that's really close to this?
 
2013-08-20 06:04:11 PM  
I would sit them down and ask them- "How strong is your love for each other?"
Explain to them that true love can withstand trials and tribulations. And ask them if they are truly ready for the real world.
Then tell them the truth.
Love should prevail if they truly love each other.
 
2013-08-20 06:08:57 PM  

hailin: I do have a big farking problem with these parents LYING to their adult son to save mom the horror of admitting she's a cheating slut.


They were ON a BREAK!
 
mjg
2013-08-20 06:21:24 PM  
iheartconsumers.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-08-20 06:44:54 PM  

BizarreMan: On one hand it's presumptious as all hell to invite everybody to spend the one vacation a year they can afford...


To play devil's advocate, flip it around: if a lot of your invitees would have to travel to get to your wedding regardless, why not have it somewhere nicer to travel to, and allow them to  combine the wedding and real vacation instead of having to choose between the two?
 
2013-08-20 06:46:37 PM  

TheShavingofOccam123: Your only hope is to put on your best pair of crotchless panties, slather yourself in pickled egg juice, roll in ground up pork rinds then tell that bastard son you are his late night love snack.


Does it have to be pork rinds?  We're jewish.
 
2013-08-20 06:58:12 PM  

dj_spanmaster: blatz514: I have three incredibly hot cousins.  There, I said it.

Wellon Dowd: I have two cousins I won't have minded marrying. Or at least honeymooning with.

You're not the only ones, true for me too; and I've got several friends who have also confessed screwing around with cousins too.


Who hasn't stuck it into a cousin or two?  Sheesh.  It's kinda like a practice target before you go off to the qualifying range.

/yes
//would again if presented
 
2013-08-20 07:13:51 PM  

RenownedCurator: On the off-chance that this letter is real, I think the advice is good. Yeah, it's cousin marriage, but it's repeated cousin marriages that bring out the real horror shows, and unless something like CF, hemophilia, Tay-Sachs or thalassemia runs in the family, their kids should be fine. (And since the letter-writer is so opposed to the marriage, I'm guessing he would have mentioned it if they did have a genetic problem, as a reason why it shouldn't happen). Besides, am I the only one who kind of wonders if the son is definitely his biological child? He was having an affair with the woman, she got pregnant, the husband told him to back off -- no genetic testing or anything, and the fact that she was having an affair doesn't automatically mean she and her husband never slept together. That's not exactly 100% conclusive that it's the letter-writer's baby.


approves

upload.wikimedia.org

www.genealogyintime.com
 
2013-08-20 07:25:08 PM  

rugman11: RenownedCurator: On the off-chance that this letter is real, I think the advice is good. Yeah, it's cousin marriage, but it's repeated cousin marriages that bring out the real horror shows, and unless something like CF, hemophilia, Tay-Sachs or thalassemia runs in the family, their kids should be fine. (And since the letter-writer is so opposed to the marriage, I'm guessing he would have mentioned it if they did have a genetic problem, as a reason why it shouldn't happen). Besides, am I the only one who kind of wonders if the son is definitely his biological child? He was having an affair with the woman, she got pregnant, the husband told him to back off -- no genetic testing or anything, and the fact that she was having an affair doesn't automatically mean she and her husband never slept together. That's not exactly 100% conclusive that it's the letter-writer's baby.

approves

[upload.wikimedia.org image 341x475]

[www.genealogyintime.com image 500x385]


I don't see Jay Leno in that family tree...
 
2013-08-20 07:29:40 PM  
Queen Victoria and Prince Albert would like to weigh in too:

Go for it!
 
2013-08-20 07:36:10 PM  
Ex husband and I were 4th cousins, 3 times removed, I think.  His great aunt was my great grandmother's sister.  We were so far removed genetically that it didn't matter, nor did we have any children.  But it creeped him out way worse than it did me.  I just thought it was funny.  The man I'm currently with shares the same name as me, but we're nowhere near related.  Just sounds like we are.
 
2013-08-20 08:00:31 PM  
No "That's My Boy" brother farker references?

/I am disappoint
 
2013-08-20 08:04:16 PM  
Am I the first one to point out that if the niece is actually indeed slutty, she's good for at least *ONE* thing?
 
2013-08-20 08:08:42 PM  
This is why my folks told me from an early age that I had a mystery cousin. If I ever ran into an adopted guy around my age who looked vaguely like me, we would hopefully avoid a relationship and not spawn a race of two-headed vampires.

Poor guy was immediately given up for adoption right after birth, probably a year or less before I was born, and his whereabouts are still completely unknown several decades later.
 
2013-08-20 08:13:50 PM  

worlddan: Millennium: From a genetic standpoint, their relationship is actually still distant enough for the risks to be negligible.

What are the odds of a brother and sister passing along genetic defects to their child if neither parent has genetic defects?


You should read up on how recessive genes work.
 
2013-08-20 08:18:14 PM  

Stoker: I would sit them down and ask them- "How strong is your love for each other?"
Explain to them that true love can withstand trials and tribulations. And ask them if they are truly ready for the real world.
Then tell them the truth.
Love should prevail if they truly love each other.


And then the mom pops out of the cake in a corset and high heels...
 
2013-08-20 08:37:00 PM  

Nana's Vibrator: PhilGed: The weirder part of that whole question is the Prudi response, which is basically,
"don't tell anyone they're cousins, and btw I think cousin farking should be legal."

I noticed that, too and snortled as I was reading it.  This is a weird aside, but I remember reading an advice column on Boston.com where an older divorced woman had not dated in decades and asked for advice.  The usually normal advice columnist told her to shave her vagina.


1. Prudence is 100% correct. If it's not legal, it should be.  The risk of mutant offspring is pretty low.  Eg. Charles Darwin married his cousin, as did many middle to upper class Victorian Britons, and as do many, many humans worldwide.

2. Probably not the worst advice ever, but I would have started with "buy some nice clothes and take some time to get comfortable with yourself".

3. "Destination weddings"... yeah no.  If invited, the odds are we can't get the time off anyway.  Enjoy your gift donation to UNICEF, overly-moneyed asswads.
 
2013-08-20 09:03:56 PM  

Fano: abfalter: "Destination wedding"?!!?

If I was invited to a wedding and was expected to make travel arrangements to their honeymoon location in order to attend there would be no way I'd be attending!

I can see spending to go out of town to a wedding; but the very idea that the bride and groom are going to make EVERYONE pay to do this seems absolutely insufferable.  I'd laugh my way out of the room if they actually were offended when I said I would not be going.

This is the best actual advice in the column. Quit having destination weddings, assholes. People are perfectly content to watch you get married somewhere they can easily get to and not have to hang out with you on vacation too.


I've been to one destination wedding. It was in HI where I had never been so it was a good excuse to go. We had a great time. We hung out with the couple and their family for a few evenings, ceremony on the beach, and vacationed on our own. I can see how getting invited to a couple a year would be annoying but we don't go to very many weddings at our age so it was totally cool with us.
 
2013-08-20 09:14:47 PM  

groppet: varmitydog: WTF? Don't they require blood tests for your marriage license up there in the DC area?

Not in Maryland. Unless they changed it.


Blood tests are for syphilis, not a complete DNA map.
 
2013-08-20 09:24:26 PM  

jjmartin: Looked it up a while ago after a round of 'would you do your cousin' jokes at work:

In the US, about .5% of marriages are between cousins.
In the whole World, about 25% are between cousins.

My theory is that this reflects more rural, smaller communities on average globally, and maybe with an emphasis on keeping land in the family, but that's just a guess.

/weird situation though...


When I looked into my family genealogy, I found lots of cases of 2 brothers marrying 2 sisters - to keep the land together.  This was back in Germany and France, 1600s and 1700s.
 
2013-08-20 10:39:10 PM  
EEeeeew.
 
2013-08-20 11:02:57 PM  

blatz514: I have three incredibly hot cousins.  There, I said it.


Let me guess -- from Shelbyville?
 
2013-08-20 11:15:38 PM  

jst3p: DROxINxTHExWIND: Wellon Dowd: blatz514: I have three incredibly hot cousins.  There, I said it.

I have two cousins I won't have minded marrying. Or at least honeymooning with.


Awwww shiat. Is this where this thread is going?

/homerbackingintothebushes.jpg

Hey Guys, whats going on in this thread?


I laughed way too hard at this.

/one ticket, please
 
2013-08-20 11:19:05 PM  
Bastard!
images3.wikia.nocookie.net
What - nobody did this yet?
 
2013-08-20 11:43:11 PM  
I would have no problem banging any of my cousins. Well...the good looking ones, anyway.

I didn't grow up with them, so it's not like it's weird that I don't see them as close family members.

Also, why wouldn't we wanna fark a girl that has so much in common with me? Is it just because we're trying to discourage low-hanging fruit? I mean...who are we to judge fruit that's so far from Heaven.
 
2013-08-21 12:15:31 AM  
vudukungfu:
jst3p: DROxINxTHExWIND: Wellon Dowd: blatz514: I have three incredibly hot cousins.  There, I said it.

Hey Guys, whats going on in this thread?

[www.martinfrost.ws image 320x240]

That's a lot of li'l piggies.


Weee-weee-weeeeeee-weee-weeeee-weee--weeeeeeeee-weee-weeeeeeeeeee-a ll the way to West Virginia!
 
2013-08-21 03:39:16 AM  
Are they North American? If not, nobody cares.

/okay, I think somwhere in Eastasia people too totally flip out about cousin couples
//nowhere else though
 
2013-08-21 06:29:36 AM  

GrizzlyPouch: If you get an invitation to a destination wedding and you hadn't already planned on attending it you're just supposed to send a gift. I would think that's obvious


How does receiving an invitation mean one is obligated to respond with a gift?

evaned: To play devil's advocate, flip it around: if a lot of your invitees would have to travel to get to your wedding regardless, why not have it somewhere nicer to travel to, and allow them to combine the wedding and real vacation instead of having to choose between the two?


i guess that depends on what people think is 'somewhere nice to travel to'. I'm not into the whole resort/beach thing where regardless of where you are in the world, everything looks basically the same upscale bland as it is in every other resort. Generally that is the kind of place I hear about for 'destination wedding'. Some beach resort in whatever the cheap Carribean or Central American vacation destination is all the rage right now.

Which just says to me that I'm sorry but I won't be able to make it.
 
2013-08-21 08:25:44 AM  

jenny next: blatz514: I have three incredibly hot cousins.  There, I said it.

Let me guess -- from Shelbyville?


It took waaay too long in this thread to get a Shelbyville reference.
 
2013-08-21 11:03:54 AM  
This is the perfect opportunity to do this.

Minister: "If anyone here knows of any reason why these two should not be joined in Holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace."

You: "He's my illegitimate son! She's my niece! What's on the buffet at the reception?"

And hilarity ensues.
 
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