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(Slate)   Dear Prudence, My slutty good for nothing niece is about to marry my bastard son. What should I do?   (slate.com ) divider line
    More: Obvious, Prudi, David Plotz, Emily Yoffe, nieces, biological fathers, Prudie advises  
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18223 clicks; posted to Main » on 20 Aug 2013 at 4:11 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-08-20 04:39:20 PM  
Well, Johnny be fine and Johnny be fair he wants me for to wed
And I would marry Johnny, but my father up and said,
"I'm sorry to tell you daughter what your mother never knew
But Johnny he's a son of mine, so he's kin to you."

Well, Willie be fine and Willie be fair he wants me for to wed
And I would marry Willie, but my father up and said,
"I'm sorry to tell you daughter what your mother never knew
But Willie he's a son of mine, so he's kin to you."

Well, Jimmy be fine and Jimmy be fair he wants me for to wed
And I would marry Jimmy, but my father up and said,
"I'm sorry to tell you daughter what your mother never knew
But Jimmy he's a son of mine, so he's kin to you."

Well, never was there a girl so sad and sorry as I was
The boys in town, they're all my kin and my father is the cause!
I will not be contented for to die a single miss
I think I'll go to mother and complain to her of this.

"Well, daughter, haven't I taught you to forgive and to forget?
So, your father sowed his oats, oh still you should not fret.
Your father may be the cause of all the boys in town, but still.....
He's not the one who sired you so marry whom you will."
 
2013-08-20 04:39:23 PM  

Drubell: Nana's Vibrator: Chinchillazilla: Now that they're in love, there's absolutely no way to stop this without farking them up for life. Unless the family already has a lot of recessive genetic disorders, the chances of farked-up babies from a one-off first cousin marriage is really slim. Just leave them alone.

If you're a cruelly funny person, when do you think the best time to reveal this would be?  They've likely already been having sex.  They're not married yet.  The big reveal is his dad is not really his dad and he's been f*ing his cousin.
I say on a Today Show with Matt Lauer special during the reception.

Probably busting in on them while they're having sex


Actually I think the cruelest time is to put them in your will, "to my married son and daughter." Unfortunately (or fortunately), you wouldn't get to see the fallout.
 
2013-08-20 04:39:42 PM  
Looked it up a while ago after a round of 'would you do your cousin' jokes at work:

In the US, about .5% of marriages are between cousins.
In the whole World, about 25% are between cousins.

My theory is that this reflects more rural, smaller communities on average globally, and maybe with an emphasis on keeping land in the family, but that's just a guess.

/weird situation though...
 
2013-08-20 04:40:16 PM  

TheShavingofOccam123: Your only hope is to put on your best pair of crotchless panties, slather yourself in pickled egg juice, roll in ground up pork rinds then tell that bastard son you are his late night love snack.


And they're wasting all that money on Prudie when they could be paying you.
 
2013-08-20 04:40:30 PM  

DROxINxTHExWIND: Wellon Dowd: blatz514: I have three incredibly hot cousins.  There, I said it.

I have two cousins I won't have minded marrying. Or at least honeymooning with.


Awwww shiat. Is this where this thread is going?

/homerbackingintothebushes.jpg


Hey Guys, whats going on in this thread?

www.martinfrost.ws
 
2013-08-20 04:41:27 PM  
Dear Prudence, My slutty good for nothing niece is about to marry my bastard son. What should I do?

Move out of Appalachia?
 
2013-08-20 04:41:32 PM  

jjmartin: Looked it up a while ago after a round of 'would you do your cousin' jokes at work:

In the US, about .5% of marriages are between cousins.
In the whole World, about 25% are between cousins.

My theory is that this reflects more rural, smaller communities on average globally, and maybe with an emphasis on keeping land in the family, but that's just a guess.

/weird situation though...



I'd guess it has more to do with availability of eligible women.
 
2013-08-20 04:43:30 PM  
Film it
 
2013-08-20 04:43:34 PM  
Dear Prudence, My slutty good for nothing niece is about to marry my bastard son. What should I do?

Get a van and replace the steps leading up to your house with a ramp to get ready for the grandkids.
 
2013-08-20 04:44:03 PM  

jst3p: DROxINxTHExWIND: Wellon Dowd: blatz514: I have three incredibly hot cousins.  There, I said it.

Hey Guys, whats going on in this thread?

[www.martinfrost.ws image 320x240]


That's a lot of li'l piggies.
 
2013-08-20 04:44:35 PM  

TheShavingofOccam123: Your only hope is to put on your best pair of crotchless panties, slather yourself in pickled egg juice, roll in ground up pork rinds then tell that bastard son you are his late night love snack.


i1168.photobucket.com
 
2013-08-20 04:46:20 PM  

Kid Lester: Holy shiat. I'd be terrified. The friggin' odds of that happening in the first place....and then what IF something goes bad and there's some kind of genetic problem and the son finds out the truth. Now your son, your sister AND your niece all hate your f*cking guts forever. In addition to...you know...having a grandson with life problems that you could have prevented.


In small towns the odds greatly increase. Not just from the smaller number of people to fark, but also because small town folk by and large don't consider cousin farking to be a deal breaker.
 
2013-08-20 04:46:44 PM  
Guy de Maupassant writes:

Go for it. Don't be a pussy.
 
2013-08-20 04:47:12 PM  
suck it
 
2013-08-20 04:48:31 PM  
Nabokov weighs in:

"Wait, what's the problem, exactly?"
 
2013-08-20 04:48:32 PM  

groppet: varmitydog: WTF? Don't they require blood tests for your marriage license up there in the DC area?

Not in Maryland. Unless they changed it.


A blood test wouldn't show that they were related. And they're cousins not siblings, all a genetic test would show was "Hey you're probably distantly related." Unless their family has an extended history of inbreeding or serious genetic diseases there's little to no chance of any problems.
 
2013-08-20 04:48:50 PM  

Drubell: Drubell: Nana's Vibrator: Chinchillazilla: Now that they're in love, there's absolutely no way to stop this without farking them up for life. Unless the family already has a lot of recessive genetic disorders, the chances of farked-up babies from a one-off first cousin marriage is really slim. Just leave them alone.

If you're a cruelly funny person, when do you think the best time to reveal this would be?  They've likely already been having sex.  They're not married yet.  The big reveal is his dad is not really his dad and he's been f*ing his cousin.
I say on a Today Show with Matt Lauer special during the reception.

Probably busting in on them while they're having sex

Actually I think the cruelest time is to put them in your will, "to my married son and daughter." Unfortunately (or fortunately), you wouldn't get to see the fallout.


Both are great answers.  There's really no incorrect choice.
 
2013-08-20 04:48:54 PM  
I bet they are white.
 
2013-08-20 04:51:09 PM  

To The Escape Zeppelin!: groppet: varmitydog: WTF? Don't they require blood tests for your marriage license up there in the DC area?

Not in Maryland. Unless they changed it.

A blood test wouldn't show that they were related. And they're cousins not siblings, all a genetic test would show was "Hey you're probably distantly related." Unless their family has an extended history of inbreeding or serious genetic diseases there's little to no chance of any problems.



You sound like you have a sexy cousin.
 
2013-08-20 04:53:01 PM  

jst3p: DROxINxTHExWIND: Wellon Dowd: blatz514: I have three incredibly hot cousins.  There, I said it.

I have two cousins I won't have minded marrying. Or at least honeymooning with.


Awwww shiat. Is this where this thread is going?

/homerbackingintothebushes.jpg

Hey Guys, whats going on in this thread?


Is her name Polly?
 
2013-08-20 04:53:17 PM  

DROxINxTHExWIND: You sound like you have a sexy cousin.


Her?

//maybe
 
2013-08-20 04:54:04 PM  

Nana's Vibrator: Chinchillazilla: Now that they're in love, there's absolutely no way to stop this without farking them up for life. Unless the family already has a lot of recessive genetic disorders, the chances of farked-up babies from a one-off first cousin marriage is really slim. Just leave them alone.

If you're a cruelly funny person, when do you think the best time to reveal this would be?  They've likely already been having sex.  They're not married yet.  The big reveal is his dad is not really his dad and he's been f*ing his cousin.
I say on a Today Show with Matt Lauer special during the reception.


After they have their first kid. Ask to hold your grandchild and when they get confused explain and swear up and down that you thought you had mentions it before.
 
2013-08-20 04:55:57 PM  

DROxINxTHExWIND: You sound like you have a sexy cousin.


I really don't. The women on that side of my family are all chugging full speed into fat country.
 
2013-08-20 04:56:00 PM  
I can't believe people are bragging about banging their cousins.  I'm not to judge, if that's your bag babby, I just find it a little taboo for me.  Or maybe its because I don't have any hot cousins, so I've never been tempted.
 
2013-08-20 04:56:34 PM  
Move to Arkansas. I hear that it's accepted there.

JC
 
2013-08-20 04:56:56 PM  

Nana's Vibrator: theflatline: Halstread: theflatline: I have six pretty good looking sister in laws, so if something happens to the wife, i can move one on in, cause it ain't like we blood related. They are all the same size as my wife, so i wouldnt have to worry about a new wardrobe.

/sister in laws mmm mmm mmm

So... in your parts if your wife dies you remarry a sister of hers, and have to supply the clothing?

No, it is a common joke my wife makes with me, it something happens to her, I can marry one of her sisters.  We joke about it because they all share clothes, shoes, etc, so it would not be much a strain to move one in..

How..exactly does that conversation go?

Wife: They borrow all my stuff they may as well borrow you, too!
You: *no response due to awkwardness*
Wife: ha ha ha ha you should bang my sisters!  Ha ha ha!
You: maybe just ask Brittany to give me a handy while we're all drunk?
Wife *Slap!*  you're such a sick pervert!  I'm leaving you!
You: OK, I'll get the lube



For some reason I heard my wife wants a 3-way with her sisters, but yours is just as good. :)
 
2013-08-20 04:57:28 PM  
Does anyone actually think these are real letters?
 
2013-08-20 04:58:08 PM  

theflatline: I have six pretty good looking sister in laws, so if something happens to the wife, i can move one on in, cause it ain't like we blood related. They are all the same size as my wife, so i wouldnt have to worry about a new wardrobe.

/sister in laws mmm mmm mmm


My sister-in-law gives the best lap dances at the strip club.
 
2013-08-20 04:58:59 PM  
i.imgur.com
 
2013-08-20 05:00:51 PM  
"Destination wedding"?!!?

If I was invited to a wedding and was expected to make travel arrangements to their honeymoon location in order to attend there would be no way I'd be attending!

I can see spending to go out of town to a wedding; but the very idea that the bride and groom are going to make EVERYONE pay to do this seems absolutely insufferable.  I'd laugh my way out of the room if they actually were offended when I said I would not be going.
 
2013-08-20 05:02:48 PM  
 
2013-08-20 05:03:24 PM  

illannoyin: Years ago I went to a friend's wedding up in the wild hinterlands of Wiscansin.

The brides cousins were already drunk and frisky during the wedding ceremony. They wanted me to drive them to the reception but I declined and drove home to my girlfriend.

I have always regretted not going with them.


Man, am I glad you didn't go with them!  Seriously!  That was the best night of my life.

Thanks!
 
2013-08-20 05:04:15 PM  
img.fark.net


WWWWWWWWESTSIDE biotches!
 
2013-08-20 05:04:27 PM  
cdn.madamenoire.com
 
2013-08-20 05:05:57 PM  

cdn.madamenoire.com

 
2013-08-20 05:05:58 PM  

Magnanimous_J: Does anyone actually think these are real letters?


Real, only in the sense that they exist because someone wrote them. Are the situations real? Very doubtful.
 
2013-08-20 05:06:33 PM  
hutchkc:
For some reason I heard my wife wants a 3-way with her sisters, but yours is just as good. :)

I heard the same thing and was trying to provoke a response.  HIs silence says it all.  He's totally nailed one of them already.
/I have problems
 
2013-08-20 05:06:51 PM  
On the off-chance that this letter is real, I think the advice is good. Yeah, it's cousin marriage, but it's repeated cousin marriages that bring out the real horror shows, and unless something like CF, hemophilia, Tay-Sachs or thalassemia runs in the family, their kids should be fine. (And since the letter-writer is so opposed to the marriage, I'm guessing he would have mentioned it if they did have a genetic problem, as a reason why it shouldn't happen). Besides, am I the only one who kind of wonders if the son is definitely his biological child? He was having an affair with the woman, she got pregnant, the husband told him to back off -- no genetic testing or anything, and the fact that she was having an affair doesn't automatically mean she and her husband never slept together. That's not exactly 100% conclusive that it's the letter-writer's baby.
 
2013-08-20 05:07:06 PM  
Send him off to the Night's Watch?
 
2013-08-20 05:07:19 PM  
If I was the bride or groom to be, I'd want to know.  The longer they let this run on, the worse it will be should they ever one day find out.

And I don't care HOW hot the cousin is - no chance am I farking mine.  Yee-gads no.
 
2013-08-20 05:08:51 PM  

RyansPrivates: cue the letter in a year:

Prudie,
My family and in-laws lied to me and let me marry my cousin. I thought I loved her, but this breach of trust really gives me second thoughts.  But the hot cousin sex is good.  What should I do?


Just regular stuff for the first few months, and save the real kinky stuff for New Year's Eve, when you can both blame it on being hammered if things go wrong.
 
2013-08-20 05:08:57 PM  

blatz514: LeroyBourne: blatz514: I have three incredibly hot cousins.  There, I said it.

What are you saying?  You want to date one?  Post pictures and we'll help you choose.

One is married.  One lives in Oregon and the other one, well, yikes*.

*She hasn't gotten around I have been told.

/also she's only 18


Nothing wrong about you getting randy at the thought of your hot 18-year-old cousin, it's perfectly natural. Lots of guys get randy at the thought of your hot 18-year-old cousin.
 
2013-08-20 05:10:39 PM  

DROxINxTHExWIND: Dear Prudence, My slutty good for nothing niece is about to marry my bastard son. What should I do?

Get a van and replace the steps leading up to your house with a ramp to get ready for the grandkids.


And start saving for a banjo
 
2013-08-20 05:17:22 PM  

illannoyin: The brides cousins were already drunk and frisky during the wedding ceremony. They wanted me to drive them to the reception but I declined and drove home to my girlfriend.I have always regretted not going with them.


i.imgur.com
 
2013-08-20 05:20:00 PM  

theflatline: Halstread: theflatline: I have six pretty good looking sister in laws, so if something happens to the wife, i can move one on in, cause it ain't like we blood related. They are all the same size as my wife, so i wouldnt have to worry about a new wardrobe.

/sister in laws mmm mmm mmm

So... in your parts if your wife dies you remarry a sister of hers, and have to supply the clothing?

No, it is a common joke my wife makes with me, it something happens to her, I can marry one of her sisters.  We joke about it because they all share clothes, shoes, etc, so it would not be much a strain to move one in..


Cool in-joke, bro.
 
2013-08-20 05:20:46 PM  

Magnanimous_J: Does anyone actually think these are real letters?


Of course not. Nowhere in the actual letter does he say that she's a slut.

/disappointed
 
2013-08-20 05:21:59 PM  

abfalter: "Destination wedding"?!!?

If I was invited to a wedding and was expected to make travel arrangements to their honeymoon location in order to attend there would be no way I'd be attending!

I can see spending to go out of town to a wedding; but the very idea that the bride and groom are going to make EVERYONE pay to do this seems absolutely insufferable.  I'd laugh my way out of the room if they actually were offended when I said I would not be going.


This is the best actual advice in the column. Quit having destination weddings, assholes. People are perfectly content to watch you get married somewhere they can easily get to and not have to hang out with you on vacation too.
 
2013-08-20 05:22:25 PM  

varmitydog: WTF? Don't they require blood tests for your marriage license up there in the DC area?


The blood test is for syphilis, not a genetic test that can determine if someone is your cousin.
 
2013-08-20 05:23:01 PM  

elmixtli: [cdn.madamenoire.com image 468x312]


Feint: [cdn.madamenoire.com image 468x312]


Came for this...twice.
 
2013-08-20 05:24:19 PM  
My mother and her siblings were all adopted so the odds of my actually being related to my hot cousin are about on par with my odds of ever farking her.  That is to say, damned near none.
 
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