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(Sun Journal (Maine))   "I thought I was dead, I could hear the bones crunching back in my head where he was chewing on me"   (sunjournal.com) divider line 6
    More: Followup, flare gun, dark cloud  
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11401 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Aug 2013 at 7:05 AM (46 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-08-19 07:44:57 AM
2 votes:

Oblig:

For me, wisdom came not at the top of the graduate-school mountain nor buried in the Sunday-school sandpile. For me, wisdom arrived during a visit to the home of our trusted friend the polar bear. Actually, I suppose "trusted friend" is something of a misnomer, because last year I had my arms brutally ripped from my torso by a fifteen-hundred-pound Norwegian polar bear. How and why this happened is an interesting story. For now, though, let's take a look at some fun lessons about our good friend Ursus maritimus, the polar bear. Here's what I learned:-Share everything. You might be thinking, Really? Even with polar bears? Yes, share especially with polar bears. Actually, the word "share" does not exist in a polar bear's vocabulary, which consists of only about three
hundred words. Give everything you have to a polar bear and do not expect him to share it. It did not occur to the polar bear who took my arms from me to share them in any way afterward.

-Polar bears are meticulous about personal cleanliness. A typical polar bear will feast for about twenty to thirty minutes, then leave to wash off in the ocean or an available pool of water. The polar bear who feasted on my arms did exactly this, leaving to scrub up in a nearby lake. Good hygiene is fundamental.

-In nearly all instances where a human has been attacked by a polar bear, the animal has been undernourished or was provoked. In my case, the bear was plump but deranged. Consequently, my attacker bear was spared the execution that typically follows an assault. My proposal-that my polar bear have his arms ripped off by a larger polar bear-was rejected by the authorities. No lesson here, I guess.

-The town of Churchill, Manitoba, is known as the "Polar Bear Capital of the World." According to legend, when a bear ambled into the Royal Canadian Legion hall in Churchill, in 1894, the club steward shouted, "You're not a member! Get out!," and the bear did. This story is almost certainly fictitious. During the first ten minutes that a polar bear was removing my arms from my body, I repeatedly shouted, "Stop!," "Get away from me!," and "Please-oh, my God, this polar bear is going to rip my arms off!," but the animal was unfazed. The lesson in this is that you can't believe everything you hear.

-Beware of blame-shifting. The authorities speculated that the nasty scene may have begun when I grabbed onto the polar bear's fur. At first, I thought, Gee, maybe that's right-I must have done something to get him so sore. But now I reject this suggestion. Why would I grab his fur?

-Things change. As a child, I used to delight in early-morning "polar-bear swims" at my summer camp. Now I don't even feel like swimming anymore, because I have no arms.

-Summing up: 1. Do not run from a polar bear. 2. Do not fight back. 3. Don't just stand there. Whatever you do, it will teach you a lesson.

-Never judge a book by its cover. Polar bears hate this.

-When a male polar bear and a human are face to face, there occurs a brief kind of magic: an intense, visceral connection between man and beast whose poignancy and import cannot be expressed in mere words. Then he rips your arms off.

2013-08-19 09:59:02 AM
1 votes:

megarian: Don't judge me you asshole.

Oh. OH. Bears.

J/k. I just want some coke and take advantage of strangers. It's not a disease.


She told me she'd gotten out of an abusive relationship. I just went along with the wild partying, I thought she had just been going through a rough patch and that I was helping. It seemed like we were having such a good time together, until she tore the door off the fridge, ate all my fish, then cornered me in the bathroom and started mauling me.

It's only now that I realize the bipolar bear was the abuser all along.
2013-08-19 08:39:04 AM
1 votes:

StrangeQ: runescorpio: Lady J: what a farking nice guy!

although in other news if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences, the north and south poles and all other cold, related places join my list of 'not going to go'

I bought a 7mm mag for just this sort of occasion. Bear busts in, rifle puts fist sized hole through him. If you travel the wildlife you should have a rifle for defence.
Sound affects bears more than light which is why they make bear banger flare loads. No flash just alot of noise.

Perhaps you missed the part in the article where only Innuit are allowed to carry firearms in the area.

/but I'm sure the aura produced by your closet full of guns will be enough to deter any potential predator.


quite.

man: im barging in on your territory and if you do anything i dont like im going to kill you, you increasingly rare apex predator, you!
bear: jeez. mankind will probably get me one way or the other in the end but do you have to be such a douche about it?
2013-08-19 08:14:17 AM
1 votes:

runescorpio: Lady J: what a farking nice guy!

although in other news if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences, the north and south poles and all other cold, related places join my list of 'not going to go'

I bought a 7mm mag for just this sort of occasion. Bear busts in, rifle puts fist sized hole through him. If you travel the wildlife you should have a rifle for defence.
Sound affects bears more than light which is why they make bear banger flare loads. No flash just alot of noise.


Perhaps you missed the part in the article where only Innuit are allowed to carry firearms in the area.

/but I'm sure the aura produced by your closet full of guns will be enough to deter any potential predator.
2013-08-19 07:55:58 AM
1 votes:

runescorpio: Lady J: what a farking nice guy!

although in other news if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences, the north and south poles and all other cold, related places join my list of 'not going to go'

I bought a 7mm mag for just this sort of occasion. Bear busts in, rifle puts fist sized hole through him. If you travel the wildlife you should have a rifle for defence.
Sound affects bears more than light which is why they make bear banger flare loads. No flash just alot of noise.


How you shot rifle with head in mouth?
2013-08-19 07:21:19 AM
1 votes:

Lady J: if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences,


If? Bears can shrug off A LOT of trauma. Polar bears are the biggest and meanest of the bunch.
 
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