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(Sun Journal (Maine))   "I thought I was dead, I could hear the bones crunching back in my head where he was chewing on me"   (sunjournal.com) divider line 39
    More: Followup, flare gun, dark cloud  
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11403 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Aug 2013 at 7:05 AM (48 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-08-19 07:09:06 AM
what a farking nice guy!

although in other news if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences, the north and south poles and all other cold, related places join my list of 'not going to go'
 
2013-08-19 07:09:38 AM
I clicked on the article expecting to be reading about bath salts, not polar bears
 
2013-08-19 07:14:45 AM
Thank God it was a polar bear. From the headline I thought it was about Justin Beiber finally snapping in public.
 
2013-08-19 07:21:19 AM

Lady J: if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences,


If? Bears can shrug off A LOT of trauma. Polar bears are the biggest and meanest of the bunch.
 
2013-08-19 07:23:46 AM
i.chzbgr.com
 
2013-08-19 07:24:17 AM
When is he going to sue Coca Cola?
 
2013-08-19 07:32:09 AM

doglover: Lady J: if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences,

If? Bears can shrug off A LOT of trauma. Polar bears are the biggest and meanest of the bunch.


one swift knee to the happy sacks, they'll drop just like everyone else
 
2013-08-19 07:41:12 AM
Aw, their so cut. He just needed his belly rubbed.
 
2013-08-19 07:44:57 AM

Oblig:

For me, wisdom came not at the top of the graduate-school mountain nor buried in the Sunday-school sandpile. For me, wisdom arrived during a visit to the home of our trusted friend the polar bear. Actually, I suppose "trusted friend" is something of a misnomer, because last year I had my arms brutally ripped from my torso by a fifteen-hundred-pound Norwegian polar bear. How and why this happened is an interesting story. For now, though, let's take a look at some fun lessons about our good friend Ursus maritimus, the polar bear. Here's what I learned:-Share everything. You might be thinking, Really? Even with polar bears? Yes, share especially with polar bears. Actually, the word "share" does not exist in a polar bear's vocabulary, which consists of only about three
hundred words. Give everything you have to a polar bear and do not expect him to share it. It did not occur to the polar bear who took my arms from me to share them in any way afterward.

-Polar bears are meticulous about personal cleanliness. A typical polar bear will feast for about twenty to thirty minutes, then leave to wash off in the ocean or an available pool of water. The polar bear who feasted on my arms did exactly this, leaving to scrub up in a nearby lake. Good hygiene is fundamental.

-In nearly all instances where a human has been attacked by a polar bear, the animal has been undernourished or was provoked. In my case, the bear was plump but deranged. Consequently, my attacker bear was spared the execution that typically follows an assault. My proposal-that my polar bear have his arms ripped off by a larger polar bear-was rejected by the authorities. No lesson here, I guess.

-The town of Churchill, Manitoba, is known as the "Polar Bear Capital of the World." According to legend, when a bear ambled into the Royal Canadian Legion hall in Churchill, in 1894, the club steward shouted, "You're not a member! Get out!," and the bear did. This story is almost certainly fictitious. During the first ten minutes that a polar bear was removing my arms from my body, I repeatedly shouted, "Stop!," "Get away from me!," and "Please-oh, my God, this polar bear is going to rip my arms off!," but the animal was unfazed. The lesson in this is that you can't believe everything you hear.

-Beware of blame-shifting. The authorities speculated that the nasty scene may have begun when I grabbed onto the polar bear's fur. At first, I thought, Gee, maybe that's right-I must have done something to get him so sore. But now I reject this suggestion. Why would I grab his fur?

-Things change. As a child, I used to delight in early-morning "polar-bear swims" at my summer camp. Now I don't even feel like swimming anymore, because I have no arms.

-Summing up: 1. Do not run from a polar bear. 2. Do not fight back. 3. Don't just stand there. Whatever you do, it will teach you a lesson.

-Never judge a book by its cover. Polar bears hate this.

-When a male polar bear and a human are face to face, there occurs a brief kind of magic: an intense, visceral connection between man and beast whose poignancy and import cannot be expressed in mere words. Then he rips your arms off.

 
2013-08-19 07:50:04 AM
It's the bipolar bears that you really have to worry about.

One moment, everything seems fine, they're mostly just laying around the house, watching TV, maybe sleeping a little too much, but then suddenly they want to go out all night, snort coke, and before you know it, they're trying to seduce you. It seems like a good idea at the time, but then the manic rage sets in.
 
2013-08-19 07:51:05 AM

Lady J: what a farking nice guy!

although in other news if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences, the north and south poles and all other cold, related places join my list of 'not going to go'


I bought a 7mm mag for just this sort of occasion. Bear busts in, rifle puts fist sized hole through him. If you travel the wildlife you should have a rifle for defence.
Sound affects bears more than light which is why they make bear banger flare loads. No flash just alot of noise.
 
2013-08-19 07:54:33 AM
Worst.

Blowjob.

Evar.
 
2013-08-19 07:55:58 AM

runescorpio: Lady J: what a farking nice guy!

although in other news if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences, the north and south poles and all other cold, related places join my list of 'not going to go'

I bought a 7mm mag for just this sort of occasion. Bear busts in, rifle puts fist sized hole through him. If you travel the wildlife you should have a rifle for defence.
Sound affects bears more than light which is why they make bear banger flare loads. No flash just alot of noise.


How you shot rifle with head in mouth?
 
2013-08-19 08:01:38 AM

Creoena: I clicked on the article expecting to be reading about bath salts, not polar bears


Polar bears...ON BATH SALTS!!
 
2013-08-19 08:14:17 AM

runescorpio: Lady J: what a farking nice guy!

although in other news if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences, the north and south poles and all other cold, related places join my list of 'not going to go'

I bought a 7mm mag for just this sort of occasion. Bear busts in, rifle puts fist sized hole through him. If you travel the wildlife you should have a rifle for defence.
Sound affects bears more than light which is why they make bear banger flare loads. No flash just alot of noise.


Perhaps you missed the part in the article where only Innuit are allowed to carry firearms in the area.

/but I'm sure the aura produced by your closet full of guns will be enough to deter any potential predator.
 
2013-08-19 08:24:46 AM
I hope Gendry was hanging around with a spear.
 
2013-08-19 08:38:05 AM
Bear attack victim had 'tender heart,' according to friends, family, polar bear
 
2013-08-19 08:39:04 AM

StrangeQ: runescorpio: Lady J: what a farking nice guy!

although in other news if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences, the north and south poles and all other cold, related places join my list of 'not going to go'

I bought a 7mm mag for just this sort of occasion. Bear busts in, rifle puts fist sized hole through him. If you travel the wildlife you should have a rifle for defence.
Sound affects bears more than light which is why they make bear banger flare loads. No flash just alot of noise.

Perhaps you missed the part in the article where only Innuit are allowed to carry firearms in the area.

/but I'm sure the aura produced by your closet full of guns will be enough to deter any potential predator.


quite.

man: im barging in on your territory and if you do anything i dont like im going to kill you, you increasingly rare apex predator, you!
bear: jeez. mankind will probably get me one way or the other in the end but do you have to be such a douche about it?
 
2013-08-19 08:49:22 AM

runescorpio: Lady J: what a farking nice guy!

although in other news if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences, the north and south poles and all other cold, related places join my list of 'not going to go'

I bought a 7mm mag for just this sort of occasion. Bear busts in, rifle puts fist sized hole through him. If you travel the wildlife you should have a rifle for defence.
Sound affects bears more than light which is why they make bear banger flare loads. No flash just alot of noise.


But I want to set a polar bear on fire with a flare gun. FIRE, FIRE!
 
2013-08-19 08:55:44 AM
...and some days, the bar ets you.
 
2013-08-19 09:42:13 AM
"Only the Inuit are allowed to carry guns in the park," he said. "When the helicopter came to get me, they left an Inuit guide with a gun and he said the gun wouldn't have helped in my situation. He said the guide would've been asleep, too. The only thing he would have been able to do is to kill the bear afterwards."

Man, you are an idiot, aren't you?
 
2013-08-19 09:42:25 AM

freewill: It's the bipolar bears that you really have to worry about.

One moment, everything seems fine, they're mostly just laying around the house, watching TV, maybe sleeping a little too much, but then suddenly they want to go out all night, snort coke, and before you know it, they're trying to seduce you. It seems like a good idea at the time, but then the manic rage sets in.


I resemble... um.. resent that comment..
 
2013-08-19 09:53:12 AM

freewill: It's the bipolar bears that you really have to worry about.

One moment, everything seems fine, they're mostly just laying around the house, watching TV, maybe sleeping a little too much, but then suddenly they want to go out all night, snort coke, and before you know it, they're trying to seduce you. It seems like a good idea at the time, but then the manic rage sets in.


Don't judge me you asshole.

Oh. OH. Bears.

J/k. I just want some coke and take advantage of strangers. It's not a disease.
 
2013-08-19 09:59:02 AM

megarian: Don't judge me you asshole.

Oh. OH. Bears.

J/k. I just want some coke and take advantage of strangers. It's not a disease.


She told me she'd gotten out of an abusive relationship. I just went along with the wild partying, I thought she had just been going through a rough patch and that I was helping. It seemed like we were having such a good time together, until she tore the door off the fridge, ate all my fish, then cornered me in the bathroom and started mauling me.

It's only now that I realize the bipolar bear was the abuser all along.
 
2013-08-19 10:02:38 AM

freewill: megarian: Don't judge me you asshole.

Oh. OH. Bears.

J/k. I just want some coke and take advantage of strangers. It's not a disease.

She told me she'd gotten out of an abusive relationship. I just went along with the wild partying, I thought she had just been going through a rough patch and that I was helping. It seemed like we were having such a good time together, until she tore the door off the fridge, ate all my fish, then cornered me in the bathroom and started mauling me.

It's only now that I realize the bipolar bear was the abuser all along.


...weirdest boner
 
2013-08-19 10:03:12 AM
Since it seems like he is ok, the silver lining is ... damn he has a great story to tell (but wow that would have been shiat scary and am surprised no one was on watch when deadly predators are about.)
 
2013-08-19 10:08:33 AM
He's the roughest-looking 48 I've seen in a while. Him and his wife easily look in their 60s.
 
2013-08-19 10:17:18 AM

Lady J: doglover: Lady J: if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences,

If? Bears can shrug off A LOT of trauma. Polar bears are the biggest and meanest of the bunch.

one swift knee to the happy sacks, they'll drop just like everyone else


Be sure to record yourself trying it. The video will be an inspiration to your next of kin, if you have any.

/real fur, like actual fur-bearing animals have, is a surprisingly good protector against blunt force trauma
//not to mention the issues with just getting close enough to hit them with a foot, let alone a knee
///sure it's probably a joke, but I invoke the Treadwell Corollary of Poe's Law
 
2013-08-19 10:22:28 AM

Tatterdemalian: Lady J: doglover: Lady J: if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences,

If? Bears can shrug off A LOT of trauma. Polar bears are the biggest and meanest of the bunch.

one swift knee to the happy sacks, they'll drop just like everyone else

Be sure to record yourself trying it. The video will be an inspiration to your next of kin, if you have any.

/real fur, like actual fur-bearing animals have, is a surprisingly good protector against blunt force trauma
//not to mention the issues with just getting close enough to hit them with a foot, let alone a knee
///sure it's probably a joke, but I invoke the Treadwell Corollary of Poe's Law


eyeroll. it's from Red Dwarf. i didnt do /obscure, because apparently nothing on fark ever is
 
2013-08-19 10:25:47 AM
Too bad the guy didn't have a Coca Cola, television has taught me that it turns the beasts into docile and jovial supermodels.
 
2013-08-19 10:34:16 AM
Only a Mainer would go to a vacation spot colder than where they live.
 
2013-08-19 10:48:42 AM
"I Googled polar bear attacks before I took the trip and I saw something like two," Dyer said. "So I wasn't that concerned."

Now there's 3.
 
Esn
2013-08-19 11:49:32 AM

Lady J: what a farking nice guy!

although in other news if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences, the north and south poles and all other cold, related places join my list of 'not going to go'


There are no polar bears in the southern hemisphere, only penguins.

Just so you know.
 
2013-08-19 12:05:17 PM

Tatterdemalian: Lady J: doglover: Lady J: if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences,

If? Bears can shrug off A LOT of trauma. Polar bears are the biggest and meanest of the bunch.

one swift knee to the happy sacks, they'll drop just like everyone else

Be sure to record yourself trying it. The video will be an inspiration to your next of kin, if you have any.

/real fur, like actual fur-bearing animals have, is a surprisingly good protector against blunt force trauma
//not to mention the issues with just getting close enough to hit them with a foot, let alone a knee
///sure it's probably a joke, but I invoke the Treadwell Corollary of Poe's Law


The good folks at John West Salmon disagree with your assessment.
 
2013-08-19 12:11:02 PM

Esn: Lady J: what a farking nice guy!

although in other news if polar bears can breach 4 squillion volt electric fences, the north and south poles and all other cold, related places join my list of 'not going to go'

There are no polar bears in the southern hemisphere, only penguins.

Just so you know.


im not taking any chances. i save brain power not having to remember the difference between the north and south pole. more room for bear grylls 'drink my own piss' jokes
 
2013-08-19 02:01:13 PM
There are no polar bears in the southern hemisphere, only penguins.

not according to Gary Larson
 
2013-08-19 02:42:42 PM

Esn: There are no polar bears in the southern hemisphere, only penguins.


Except on the island from "Lost" (which at least sometimes might be in the southern hemisphere)... But, the polar bears are the least of your worries there!
 
2013-08-19 05:03:26 PM
 
Esn
2013-08-20 09:46:26 AM

jst3p: Esn: There are no polar bears in the southern hemisphere, only penguins.

WRONG!

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xyyvgy_supporters-of-arturo-a-polar -b ear-currently-living-in-a-zoo-in-mendoza-argentina-are-calling-on-offi _news


Fine, smartass. No non-captive polar bears.
 
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