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(Slate)   Dear Prudence, A friend confided in me that she's having a workplace affair. I don't work with them but feel I should destroy their careers anyway. Should I get involved? "No." Dear Prudy, Me again. So you're saying I should get involved?   (slate.com) divider line 64
    More: Dumbass  
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13320 clicks; posted to Main » on 12 Aug 2013 at 5:59 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-08-12 04:36:48 PM  
Bad subby.  Linking to page 2?
 
2013-08-12 04:48:05 PM  

BizarreMan: Bad subby.  Linking to page 2?


That's where the story they're referring to is.

And Prudie's right. The brown-noser shouldn't get involved. The couple will ruin their own careers when it comes time to break up anyway.
 
2013-08-12 05:55:23 PM  
Why not solve both an just ditch a terrible friend? Cheaters don't change usually..
 
2013-08-12 06:03:26 PM  
Don't get involved.

Just walk away.

You'll thank me later.

Also, never take a dip in the company pool.
 
2013-08-12 06:05:56 PM  

meat0918: Don't get involved.

Just walk away.

You'll thank me later.

Also, never take a dip in the company pool.


What about dipping my pen in the company ink...is that still cool?
 
2013-08-12 06:06:53 PM  
So, it's not your workplace, it's not your project, it's not your employee and it's not your boss.

NO.  Do not go to her boss.  Do not go to her University.  Do not do anything at her workplace.

But you will, of course, because some Internet advice columnist just threw up her hands and said, "If you think that's the best thing to do, I can't stop you."

Why can't people just mind their own goddamn business?
 
2013-08-12 06:07:32 PM  

The My Little Pony Killer: BizarreMan: Bad subby.  Linking to page 2?

That's where the story they're referring to is.

And Prudie's right. The brown-noser shouldn't get involved. The couple will ruin their own careers when it comes time to break up anyway.


It starts on Page 1, then continues on page 2. Bad subby.
 
2013-08-12 06:07:36 PM  

dallylamma: meat0918: Don't get involved.

Just walk away.

You'll thank me later.

Also, never take a dip in the company pool.

What about dipping my pen in the company ink...is that still cool?


what about wetting my beak?
 
2013-08-12 06:07:51 PM  
On the other hand I feel I have an obligation to inform the university of their transgressions as it is affecting the working and learning environment.

The self invented justifications for people who want to get involved in drama never ceases to amaze.   Moths to flames.
 
2013-08-12 06:08:10 PM  
Sounds like she is jealous of her friend and has a thing for Ted herself.
 
2013-08-12 06:08:50 PM  
BizarreMan: Bad subby.  Linking to page 2?

That's where the story they're referring to is


No. No it isn't
 
2013-08-12 06:10:23 PM  
I wouldn't want to live next door to that lady.
 
2013-08-12 06:10:50 PM  
I hate all the obfuscation these people use.
"I have a professional relationship with the university but am not directly involved."

WTF is that supposed to mean?
 
2013-08-12 06:11:01 PM  
Here's that bad advice you were hoping for.
 
2013-08-12 06:12:56 PM  
They meet everyday at the same cafe.
 
2013-08-12 06:14:25 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: Why can't people just mind their own goddamn business?


Because she is the only one that has proof. Prudie's advice that the information should come from someone who is more directly involved is bad advice because those people don't have proof, they just have suspicions. If I were one of the students affected I wouldn't complain unless I had rock-solid proof. Making false accusations can be just as deadly as the truth not to mention that "sarah" is likely to retaliate and perhaps ruin the complainer's academic career in the process.

This is a thorny issue and personally I admire the writer for at least thinking about telling. She is the only one as far as she knows who has rock-solid proof and that puts her in a unique position.
 
2013-08-12 06:14:56 PM  

RassilonsExWife: BizarreMan: Bad subby.  Linking to page 2?

That's where the story they're referring to is

No. No it isn't


From page 2 of TFA:  Q. Re: Affair friend:I have repeatedly pressured her to end the affair, taking a variety of tactics ranging from "think of your career," to sympathetic "he is a real jerk," to no avail. I have also asked her to stop talking to me about it, and upon her continuing to overshare, gone radio silent in response to anything to do with him. Nothing has changed his or her behavior, some of the students have complained, but Sarah's boss has a blind spot toward anything negative about her. Am I understanding you correctly that it is time to take it to those in charge?

A:For someone not affiliated with that research program, you seem very affiliated if you know the students are complaining and that Sarah's boss is incapable of acting. I didn't say you should talk to those in charge. I said since you weren't directly involved, those who are should be the ones to act. If you were someone at the university who was aware of the global dysfunction in a department you would have an obligation to bring it to the attention of higher-ups. But you aren't a university employee and your information comes from your friend. That complicates this morally for you. But you've tried and had no effect in addressing this directly with Sarah and you see that others are being hurt by her recklessness. If you weigh your obligations and conclude it's time for you to take this to an administrator who will act, that is a fair call.

 Yes, it is.
 
2013-08-12 06:17:30 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: So, it's not your workplace, it's not your project, it's not your employee and it's not your boss.

NO.  Do not go to her boss.  Do not go to her University.  Do not do anything at her workplace.

But you will, of course, because some Internet advice columnist just threw up her hands and said, "If you think that's the best thing to do, I can't stop you."

Why can't people just mind their own goddamn business?


So you're saying she should get involved?
 
2013-08-12 06:18:27 PM  
I'll save everyone the time

Part 01


Q. Wish I Didn't Know About Friend's Affair:I have an emotionally unstable 30-year-old friend, who has been in therapy for over a year but dismisses most of the therapist's advice. This friend, "Sarah," is a staff member at a university research center and is having an affair with one of the students. She is one of his supervisors and has influence over his grades. "Tom" is older, married with children, emotionally manipulative, and verbally abusive toward her. This affair has been ongoing for around nine months, and he says many clichéd things about his relationship with his wife. Their relationship is against university policy, and it is causing problems with other students who suspect something is going on between Tom and Sarah. Tom is treated favorably in comparison to the other students by Sarah and Sarah's boss. I have a professional relationship with the university, but am not directly affiliated. On the one hand I feel it is not my place to get involved, but feel terrible for the wife. On the other hand I feel I have an obligation to inform the university of their transgressions as it is affecting the working and learning environment. This feeling was complicated further by hearing that Tom may soon have authority over some of the other students. I have evidence of the affair from detailed text messages and chats with Sarah, and she has told others who share my feelings. So what is my role here? Is there a "right" thing to do?

A:If you act you must know that you possibly will end Sarah's job at this institution and potentially her academic career. Tom's livelihood will be in jeopardy, too. However, these two sound as if wherever they go they will wreak havoc with the careers and futures of others. This is the kind of dysfunctional department that sends people fleeing. Among Sarah's qualities is being a blabbermouth, so you'd think word of her activities would have made it back the administrators. But all too often the people in charge just don't want to deal with sticky problems. If you were in this research office, I'd say you'd have to speak up. But you are not employed by the university and not directly affected. Presumably, Sarah has been speaking to you as a friend in what she thought was confidence. I think you have to up the ante with her. Tell her that she is putting her entire career in jeopardy with this affair. She is violating the rules and people know about it. If she doesn't end it and stop favoring Tom, someone is going to speak up and she will get hurt. Then if she doesn't take your advice, you should stop being her confidante. But I think word of this den of intrigue should go to the higher ups from those directly involved.


Part 02


Q. Re: Affair friend:I have repeatedly pressured her to end the affair, taking a variety of tactics ranging from "think of your career," to sympathetic "he is a real jerk," to no avail. I have also asked her to stop talking to me about it, and upon her continuing to overshare, gone radio silent in response to anything to do with him. Nothing has changed his or her behavior, some of the students have complained, but Sarah's boss has a blind spot toward anything negative about her. Am I understanding you correctly that it is time to take it to those in charge?

A:For someone not affiliated with that research program, you seem very affiliated if you know the students are complaining and that Sarah's boss is incapable of acting. I didn't say you should talk to those in charge. I said since you weren't directly involved, those who are should be the ones to act. If you were someone at the university who was aware of the global dysfunction in a department you would have an obligation to bring it to the attention of higher-ups. But you aren't a university employee and your information comes from your friend. That complicates this morally for you. But you've tried and had no effect in addressing this directly with Sarah and you see that others are being hurt by her recklessness. If you weigh your obligations and conclude it's time for you to take this to an administrator who will act, that is a fair call.
 
2013-08-12 06:19:15 PM  
I feel a need to track down this woman and get involved in her involvement in other peoples' involvement. What do you think? Should I? Shut up, I'm going to get involved anyway.
 
2013-08-12 06:20:48 PM  

The My Little Pony Killer: RassilonsExWife: BizarreMan: Bad subby.  Linking to page 2?

That's where the story they're referring to is

No. No it isn't

From page 2 of TFA:  Q. Re: Affair friend:I have repeatedly pressured her to end the affair, taking a variety of tactics ranging from "think of your career," to sympathetic "he is a real jerk," to no avail. I have also asked her to stop talking to me about it, and upon her continuing to overshare, gone radio silent in response to anything to do with him. Nothing has changed his or her behavior, some of the students have complained, but Sarah's boss has a blind spot toward anything negative about her. Am I understanding you correctly that it is time to take it to those in charge?

A:For someone not affiliated with that research program, you seem very affiliated if you know the students are complaining and that Sarah's boss is incapable of acting. I didn't say you should talk to those in charge. I said since you weren't directly involved, those who are should be the ones to act. If you were someone at the university who was aware of the global dysfunction in a department you would have an obligation to bring it to the attention of higher-ups. But you aren't a university employee and your information comes from your friend. That complicates this morally for you. But you've tried and had no effect in addressing this directly with Sarah and you see that others are being hurt by her recklessness. If you weigh your obligations and conclude it's time for you to take this to an administrator who will act, that is a fair call.

 Yes, it is.


It begins on the first page, though.

Also, this pretty much sounds like every academic department ever. One faculty member in mine is married and constantly hits on grad students, goes to bars with them, etc. Another one left his wife for a student of his, who he is now married to and now took a job in the department (support staff). Academic departments are sordid little places.
 
2013-08-12 06:21:34 PM  
This girl I dated we stayed friends afterwards because we only broke up due to her going to school on the west coast and didnt want to do the long distance thing. Well after a half a year out there she drops out of school and moves to some small town with some guy she had been dating. After 6 months of that she gets bored cheats on him and calls me up crying her eyes out about how she has to tell him and how much she loves him etc. I kept telling her "No no no no no no no" and "If you love him you wont tell him". She went on about how she couldnt live with the guilt and it ate her up on the inside. After about an hour of listening to her cry and telling her not to do it she went ahead and did it. Since she was in a small town and he was well known there, she was pretty much labeled the town whore and did she get dirty looks at his family gatherings. It ended up being worse for her in the long run and her folks had to send her money so she could GTFO there. Heard she has been divorced a few times since then.
 
2013-08-12 06:24:32 PM  
Universities can be the farking nuttiest zoos to work in.  Generally everyone is professional, but if you get 2 or 3 people in a negative feedback loop of teh crazy it's popcorn time.
 
2013-08-12 06:24:53 PM  

Matrix Flavored Wasabi: One faculty member in mine is married and constantly hits on grad students, goes to bars with them, etc. Another one left his wife for a student of his, who he is now married to and now took a job in the department (support staff). Academic departments are sordid little places.


And if you're at a major football school, there's nothing to stop you hiring your family members to report to you.  They have to make really lax regulations so football coaches can hire their sons as Assistant Coaches.  I had to deal with that once and it was god-awful.  One of the reasons I will avoid academic work like the plague.
 
2013-08-12 06:26:45 PM  
Wish I didn't Know: "Should I get involved? "

Dear Prudy: "No."

Wish I didn't Know: "Dear Prudy, Me again. So you're saying I should get involved?"

Prudy:  "I ain't sayin' nothin'"

cdn-media.hollywood.com
 
2013-08-12 06:31:09 PM  
You guys know this is fake, right?  Now for a real debate: who can run faster. Superman or Flash?
 
2013-08-12 06:33:40 PM  
Flash
 
2013-08-12 06:35:19 PM  

pute kisses like a man: dallylamma: meat0918: Don't get involved.

Just walk away.

You'll thank me later.

Also, never take a dip in the company pool.

What about dipping my pen in the company ink...is that still cool?

what about wetting my beak?


Don't get your meat at the same place you get your bread.
 
2013-08-12 06:37:02 PM  
Everyone involved in this story sucks.

Fark 'em.  Rat 'em out.  At least the wife will be getting out at the earliest possible opportunity, rather than living with a cheating lying bastard who's probably gonna bring her home a case of drug resistant syphigonnaherpalaids.

Or, alternatively, you can do nothing like a coward, and pretend that your silence is not culpable in the pain you COULD have helped put an end to.

Would you stand by and watch someone get raped, and do nothing? If you saw some sleazy salesperson cheating an old lady out of a fortune, would you say nothing?  How about if you saw someone stealing a TV from a neighbor?  But it's OK to stand by and watch people destroy other's lives in other ways?

For some reason, when it comes to marital betrayal, people seem to think that non-involvement is correct, yet when people hurt each other in other ways, even ways far less harmful, they jump right in.

/"The wife is probably a biatch/cold/fat" in 3....2....1.....
 
2013-08-12 06:40:38 PM  

groppet: This girl I dated we stayed friends afterwards because we only broke up due to her going to school on the west coast and didnt want to do the long distance thing. Well after a half a year out there she drops out of school and moves to some small town with some guy she had been dating. After 6 months of that she gets bored cheats on him and calls me up crying her eyes out about how she has to tell him and how much she loves him etc. I kept telling her "No no no no no no no" and "If you love him you wont tell him". She went on about how she couldnt live with the guilt and it ate her up on the inside. After about an hour of listening to her cry and telling her not to do it she went ahead and did it. Since she was in a small town and he was well known there, she was pretty much labeled the town whore and did she get dirty looks at his family gatherings. It ended up being worse for her in the long run and her folks had to send her money so she could GTFO there. Heard she has been divorced a few times since then.


Cool story!  My day is now complete.
 
2013-08-12 06:43:11 PM  

FrancoFile: I hate all the obfuscation these people use.
"I have a professional relationship with the university but am not directly involved."

WTF is that supposed to mean?



She restocks the vending machines in the faculty lounge.
 
2013-08-12 06:47:23 PM  
Why does fark always link to the crappy Dear Prudence advice column instead of the superior Save Love? Is it just so we can mock her for giving really bad advice?
 
2013-08-12 06:53:44 PM  

FrancoFile: I hate all the obfuscation these people use.
"I have a professional relationship with the university but am not directly involved."

WTF is that supposed to mean?


It probably means she works in a different department.
 
2013-08-12 06:53:52 PM  
Hey Linda Tripp,

You won't get a book deal outa this one because you're all small beans. Let them hang themselves. Meanwhile, your perverted self can sit back and enjoy the show.

Love,
Hil
 
2013-08-12 06:59:12 PM  
I could be wrong but, I really don't think "prudence" is that lady's real name.
 
2013-08-12 07:03:58 PM  
Another predatory teacher?
 
2013-08-12 07:23:10 PM  

Occam's Nailfile: Everyone involved in this story sucks.

Fark 'em.  Rat 'em out.  At least the wife will be getting out at the earliest possible opportunity, rather than living with a cheating lying bastard who's probably gonna bring her home a case of drug resistant syphigonnaherpalaids.

Or, alternatively, you can do nothing like a coward, and pretend that your silence is not culpable in the pain you COULD have helped put an end to.

Would you stand by and watch someone get raped, and do nothing? If you saw some sleazy salesperson cheating an old lady out of a fortune, would you say nothing?  How about if you saw someone stealing a TV from a neighbor?  But it's OK to stand by and watch people destroy other's lives in other ways?

For some reason, when it comes to marital betrayal, people seem to think that non-involvement is correct, yet when people hurt each other in other ways, even ways far less harmful, they jump right in.

/"The wife is probably a biatch/cold/fat" in 3....2....1.....


First good response in this thread. Personally, I'd be putting a letter in the mailbox for the wife and finding an anon way to tell administration. It's not "normal" or acceptable to cheat on a spouse, and I'm perfectly happy to call people on their bullshiat.

On a more amusing note, thanks for the syphigonnaherpalaids, that's one more bit of fascinating medical terminology I'm memorizing.
 
2013-08-12 07:31:25 PM  
Somebody sounds jealous.  Guy probably dumped her for her 'unstable' friend so now she's going to ruin everybody's fun.
 
2013-08-12 07:55:51 PM  

Vector R: Occam's Nailfile: Everyone involved in this story sucks.

Fark 'em.  Rat 'em out.  At least the wife will be getting out at the earliest possible opportunity, rather than living with a cheating lying bastard who's probably gonna bring her home a case of drug resistant syphigonnaherpalaids.

Or, alternatively, you can do nothing like a coward, and pretend that your silence is not culpable in the pain you COULD have helped put an end to.

Would you stand by and watch someone get raped, and do nothing? If you saw some sleazy salesperson cheating an old lady out of a fortune, would you say nothing?  How about if you saw someone stealing a TV from a neighbor?  But it's OK to stand by and watch people destroy other's lives in other ways?

For some reason, when it comes to marital betrayal, people seem to think that non-involvement is correct, yet when people hurt each other in other ways, even ways far less harmful, they jump right in.

/"The wife is probably a biatch/cold/fat" in 3....2....1.....

First good response in this thread. Personally, I'd be putting a letter in the mailbox for the wife and finding an anon way to tell administration. It's not "normal" or acceptable to cheat on a spouse, and I'm perfectly happy to call people on their bullshiat.

On a more amusing note, thanks for the syphigonnaherpalaids, that's one more bit of fascinating medical terminology I'm memorizing.

 
2013-08-12 07:56:56 PM  

Occam's Nailfile: Would you stand by and watch someone get raped, and do nothing?


The only thing that is less surprsing than people needlessly sticking their noses in drama that has noting to do with them is people comparing things to watching a rape that in no way resembles watching a rape.
 
2013-08-12 07:58:28 PM  

InmanRoshi: Occam's Nailfile: Would you stand by and watch someone get raped, and do nothing?

The only thing that is less surprsing than people needlessly sticking their noses in drama that has noting to do with them is people comparing things to watching a rape that in no way resembles watching a rape.


What's the rape equivalent of a Godwin?
 
2013-08-12 08:16:01 PM  

meat0918: Also, never take a dip in the company pool.


THIS

The last time I got involved with a coworker it ended in disaster.

/Married to her for 21 years.
 
2013-08-12 08:16:20 PM  

Kiwimann: FrancoFile: I hate all the obfuscation these people use.
"I have a professional relationship with the university but am not directly involved."

WTF is that supposed to mean?


She restocks the vending machines in the faculty lounge.


My guess is the letter writer is adjunct faculty, which would explain why she knows what's going on with the students in such detail. I read the "not directly involved" as not having a student that's directly impacted by the situation.

All kinds of crap goes on in academic departments. It's a sure bet the rest of the faculty are aware, and that the department chair doesn't want to deal with breaking up the relationship. Hell, if student/faculty relationships are not  uncommon thing in that department, the chair might feel some pressure to ignore the current situation if they've ignored such things in the past.

If the students are upset enough and get no redress from the chair, they can go to the dean or the ombud's office, at which point someone will quietly get the boot. Likely "Sarah," especially if "Tom" is still paying tutition and Sarah is untenured.
 
2013-08-12 08:33:41 PM  
Sarah is a staff member at a university and is emotionally unstable.

Okay, so this certainly explains why are current college grads appear dumber and dumber every graduation.
 
2013-08-12 08:35:38 PM  
"but Sarah's boss has a blind spot toward anything negative about her"

Translation. She is banging the boss too.
 
2013-08-12 08:42:42 PM  
Of course you should get involved.

Ask your friend if she's interested in a 3-way
 
2013-08-12 08:53:25 PM  
I care less than zero about one woman intent on parading her drama in public and another one intent on causing her own drama, but,

Occam's Nailfile: syphigonnaherpalaids


This wins the word of the day.
 
2013-08-12 09:18:16 PM  
ProTip: Sometimes it is not what you know, but knowing what you do not need to know that will get you through life less stressed.
 
2013-08-12 09:36:41 PM  
Dear All Busybodies Everywhere:

Please fark off and eat shiat. None of your farking business.

Love,

Everybody Else In The Entire World
 
2013-08-12 10:13:59 PM  

Lydia_C: My guess is the letter writer is adjunct faculty, which would explain why she knows what's going on with the students in such detail. I read the "not directly involved" as not having a student that's directly impacted by the situation.

All kinds of crap goes on in academic departments. It's a sure bet the rest of the faculty are aware, and that the department chair doesn't want to deal with breaking up the relationship. Hell, if student/faculty relationships are not uncommon thing in that department, the chair might feel some pressure to ignore the current situation if they've ignored such things in the past.

If the students are upset enough and get no redress from the chair, they can go to the dean or the ombud's office, at which point someone will quietly get the boot. Likely "Sarah," especially if "Tom" is still paying tutition and Sarah is untenured.


My guess is the dean is just hoping the mess will run it's course without him having to do jack diddly. (Smart man Mr Dean). I'm also betting if miss nosy pants decides blow the lid off this, she's going to learn the meaning of blow back.  I remember something similar, the end result was Miss Floozy had to lay low for a bit, Mr Cheater had to sleep on the couch for a week.  His wife eventually made up with Miss Floozy, and all three of them still hate Mrs can't keep her mouth shut.
 
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