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(Jezebel)   Trust fund baby gets his daddy to give him some money for a hedge fund, for which he's looking to hire his frat brothers, but only the ones that can pull hot "slampieces" (and if you don't know, you're not qualified)   (jezebel.com ) divider line
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13809 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Aug 2013 at 11:04 AM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-08-05 09:56:54 AM  
6 votes:
I know it's bad ju-ju to wish cancer on someone, so I'll just wish this kid a case of syphilis so bad that his doctor gets a journal article about it published,
2013-08-05 11:35:19 AM  
4 votes:

SlothB77: His father is a CEO of a Mexican Steel


That's my favorite Spanish-speaking Judas Priest cover band.
2013-08-05 02:51:46 PM  
3 votes:

Sofa King Smart: Nabb1: Another thing - mid-seven figures to start a hedge fund management firm isn't "relatively small." It's minuscule.

didn't Mittens get his start with a mere $30 million of someone else's money... granted that was back in '84... private equity in the 80's was the hedge fund of today...


Yes, but he had binders full of slampieces.
2013-08-05 11:17:24 AM  
3 votes:

Hollie Maea: Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.

why would you want a real job when you can get filthy rich and obtain a lifetime supply of slampieces just by shaking hands with daddy's friends?


this kid has a big future.  Based on a similar case, once he goes breezes through his National Guard stint and rehab he'll become the GM the Astros, Governor of TX and eventually the President of the United States.
2013-08-05 11:16:12 AM  
3 votes:
img844.imageshack.us
2013-08-05 11:10:01 AM  
3 votes:

skozlaw: *yawn*

kay, whatever. I'm not real concerned about Captain Cockbiter there while there's actually a significant number of people currently in the banking industry doing significant damage to the long term prospects of the economy.

Let's worry about the real bankers currently doing bad things before we worry about stupid kids sending silly emails, eh?


Well your fingers clearly aren't broken.  Go find a link for that and submit it.
2013-08-05 09:59:34 AM  
3 votes:
You picked a bad time to get into hedge funds bra.
2013-08-05 12:09:29 PM  
2 votes:

Tatterdemalian: My links are still getting filtered, I guess. Miss Breslaw basically went to the police to report some guy on campus making threats to hatefark her (and the word used was the one that gets filtered to "fark," if you're googling). The cops took it seriously enough to acquire the university server logs, and it turned out the messages were posted from Breslaw's own laptop.


OMG! The phone call was coming from within the house!
2013-08-05 11:50:57 AM  
2 votes:
i.imgur.com
2013-08-05 11:13:51 AM  
2 votes:
kassel-zeitung.de
What a slam piece may look like.
2013-08-05 11:07:06 PM  
1 vote:

Actually, this had a shot at being one of the most successful hedge funds ever. Here's how it could have gone down.

STEP ONE



"Hey brah, come join my hedge fund! Dad's got a bunch of his golf buddies on board, I just need you to crunch some numbers for me!"
"Sweet, bro. I only have one question. Will there be slampieces?"
"Yes. Yes there will."


STEP TWO



"Dude, quit slamming that slampiece and get your ass in here!"
"What is it, man? That was some prime slampiece I was getting!"
"Dude, you were supposed to like come up with shiat for us to invest in! We've got to publish a quarterly earnings report by 5:00 and you've had all our funds sitting in a savings account down at the local S&L this whole time!"
"Ahh, sorry brah, that's my bad... I just got so distracted with all the slampieces."

STEP THREE



"Um, hello?"
"Son? This is your father. We need to have a very, very serious talk."
"Yeah, uh, Dad, listen, I'm really sor--"
"How did you do it? My God, boy, how did you manage eight-tenths of a percent return? It's a miracle! You even beat the S&P 500 for Christ's sake! My boy's a genius!"
"Um... well, sir, I just remembered all the great advice you gave me over the years."
"Ha! That's my boy. Now listen, take my advice one more time. Don't get shackled down to some spiteful shrew like I did with your mother. You go out and get yourself some slampieces, son. You've earned them!"

/yes, I know hedge funds are not meant to be supercharged mutual funds
//but neither do a lot of the people who want to invest in one
///and neither do some of the people running them
2013-08-05 04:47:13 PM  
1 vote:
I've heard that frat dudes pull down more top-shelf pussy than any of you guys can even dream about.
2013-08-05 12:37:34 PM  
1 vote:

miss diminutive: Hollie Maea: miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?

Orifice-On-Tap?


You're putting way too much thought into this.
/Approve.
2013-08-05 12:16:35 PM  
1 vote:
Did he play Lacrosse?  Is he a Spy now?
2013-08-05 12:05:19 PM  
1 vote:

skozlaw: seem to have some sort of weird inferiority complex


And I love when people provide their own Farkies.
2013-08-05 12:05:03 PM  
1 vote:

OscarTamerz: the harpies at Jezebel


So, do you regret writing that email now?
2013-08-05 11:54:42 AM  
1 vote:
25.media.tumblr.com
2013-08-05 11:51:16 AM  
1 vote:

i.imgur.com

R.I.P. SLAM

2013-08-05 11:41:38 AM  
1 vote:

The Evil That Lies In The Hearts Of Men: " After a series of summer internships, however, I have somehow found myself without a full-time job offer for the upcoming year. "

I think I know the answer to this mystery.


thanks, obama?
2013-08-05 11:35:53 AM  
1 vote:
I am genuinely sad that this did not include the phrases "do you even lift" and "come at me".
2013-08-05 11:26:52 AM  
1 vote:

iheartscotch: So, his business structure will be

1. Financial analyst. Do nothing, get paid 6 figures a year. Probably a lifelong friend.

www.maximumpc.com
2013-08-05 11:20:47 AM  
1 vote:

skozlaw: Diogenes: Well your fingers clearly aren't broken. Go find a link for that and submit it.

Because nothing ever gets submitted regarding the shifty practices of bankers and business executives, right?

But that sort of thing's not cool and fun like obviously fake emails designed to rile up gullible people so those things just get relegated to the cold death of the business tab where it doesn't potentially eat into Drew's ad revenue.


You're clearly too cool and savvy and serious for us.  Please tell us more about everything you find wrong with this site you're posting on.
2013-08-05 11:18:17 AM  
1 vote:

Diogenes: Well your fingers clearly aren't broken. Go find a link for that and submit it.


Because nothing ever gets submitted regarding the shifty practices of bankers and business executives, right?

But that sort of thing's not cool and fun like obviously fake emails designed to rile up gullible people so those things just get relegated to the cold death of the business tab where it doesn't potentially eat into Drew's ad revenue.
2013-08-05 11:17:05 AM  
1 vote:
Mentat: "You picked a bad time to get into hedge funds bra."

You seem to think it matters whether things go well.  The letter describes the trust-fund-baby-equivalent of a lemonade stand.
2013-08-05 11:12:55 AM  
1 vote:
I lost all my bitcoins when I invested in Neiman Marcus cookie futures. It was going well until someone released the recipe into the wild and now any one can make delicious Neiman Marcus cookie brand cookies.
2013-08-05 11:10:45 AM  
1 vote:

Mugato: SlothB77: My initial reaction is this is fake.  I am going to need some proof or evidence before I think anything else.

You don't think douchebags like this exist in real life?


The number of douchebags who would LIKE to be that guy far, FAR exceeds the number of people who actually are - they are infinitessimally few.
Of course, this is Fark, where half the population aspires to be that fake guy - but hey, somebody has to get fooled into voting Republican. There aren't enough millionaires to elect them all.
2013-08-05 11:05:49 AM  
1 vote:
He should have started a Jai Alai league, that would be a sure fire money maker.
2013-08-05 10:57:46 AM  
1 vote:

miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.


I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?
2013-08-05 10:36:33 AM  
1 vote:

Hollie Maea: Nabb1: Nabb1: Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!

I'm pretty sure that this kid is not too big to fail." In fact, he seems just the perfect size to fail.

FTFM

So who is going to eat those losses? Slambro and his frat buddies? Daddy? Daddy's friends? No, you can't have that. I'm sure they'll come up with a way to socialize those losses.


Uh, I am sure it is as you say.
2013-08-05 10:09:13 AM  
1 vote:

Nabb1: Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!

I'm pretty sure that this kid is not too big to fail." In fact, he seems just the perfect size to fail.


FTFM
2013-08-05 10:08:17 AM  
1 vote:

Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!


I'm pretty sure that this kid is "too big to fail." In fact, he seems just the perfect size to fail.
2013-08-05 10:06:50 AM  
1 vote:
The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!
2013-08-05 10:05:38 AM  
1 vote:
This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.
2013-08-05 09:54:52 AM  
1 vote:
I feel like I need to shower after having read that.
2013-08-05 09:43:37 AM  
1 vote:
Yeah, I'm sure Prince Charming's issues in getting a job are all totally Obama's fault.

And when I was in college the preferred nomenclature was "slampig."
 
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