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(Jezebel)   Trust fund baby gets his daddy to give him some money for a hedge fund, for which he's looking to hire his frat brothers, but only the ones that can pull hot "slampieces" (and if you don't know, you're not qualified)   (jezebel.com) divider line 54
    More: Asinine, Brotherhood, Wedding Crashers  
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13790 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Aug 2013 at 11:04 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Smartest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-08-05 11:10:01 AM  
4 votes:

skozlaw: *yawn*

kay, whatever. I'm not real concerned about Captain Cockbiter there while there's actually a significant number of people currently in the banking industry doing significant damage to the long term prospects of the economy.

Let's worry about the real bankers currently doing bad things before we worry about stupid kids sending silly emails, eh?


Well your fingers clearly aren't broken.  Go find a link for that and submit it.
2013-08-05 10:06:42 AM  
4 votes:

Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.


I think dad knows that sonny boy is a fark up and doesn't want to risk his connections.
2013-08-05 11:07:54 AM  
3 votes:
*yawn*

kay, whatever. I'm not real concerned about Captain Cockbiter there while there's actually a significant number of people currently in the banking industry doing significant damage to the long term prospects of the economy.

Let's worry about the real bankers currently doing bad things before we worry about stupid kids sending silly emails, eh?
2013-08-05 10:29:20 AM  
3 votes:

sigdiamond2000: miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

Not buying it. I hate these kind of motherf*ckers as much as the next guy, but this has contrived white male oppressor archetype fantasy written all over it.

I could be wrong, but it all just seems a bit overcooked.



I went to school with a ton of kids from affluent backgrounds.  When I was rushing the fraternities as a freshman I was told about one house in particular.  "Go to a rush party there and see how long it takes before a brother asks you what time it is," I was told by an upperclassman friend.  "Why?" I asked.  "They're checking to see what kind of watch you're wearing."

It took about 10 minutes once I walked in the door.  Suffice it to say, me and my Swatch weren't interested in them either.

I'm not saying this email is for real.  But I am saying such creatures exist.
2013-08-05 10:09:32 AM  
3 votes:

sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.


Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.
2013-08-05 10:07:09 AM  
3 votes:

Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.


The kid is probably the Fredo of the family. His dad would rather let him crack open the trust fund early than destroy his business relationships by foisting his dumbass on anyone else,
2013-08-05 09:56:54 AM  
3 votes:
I know it's bad ju-ju to wish cancer on someone, so I'll just wish this kid a case of syphilis so bad that his doctor gets a journal article about it published,
2013-08-05 09:54:52 AM  
3 votes:
I feel like I need to shower after having read that.
2013-08-05 09:43:37 AM  
3 votes:
Yeah, I'm sure Prince Charming's issues in getting a job are all totally Obama's fault.

And when I was in college the preferred nomenclature was "slampig."
2013-08-05 11:10:45 AM  
2 votes:

Mugato: SlothB77: My initial reaction is this is fake.  I am going to need some proof or evidence before I think anything else.

You don't think douchebags like this exist in real life?


The number of douchebags who would LIKE to be that guy far, FAR exceeds the number of people who actually are - they are infinitessimally few.
Of course, this is Fark, where half the population aspires to be that fake guy - but hey, somebody has to get fooled into voting Republican. There aren't enough millionaires to elect them all.
2013-08-05 10:46:56 AM  
2 votes:
So I think I found this guy's name.  Fark's policy is not to post people's names, so I can't do it here.  But I can tell you how to find it.  Jezebel included the guy's email signature, which is quite unique.  So i took a part of that, put it into google in quotes.  Up came only a couple results, but one of the results has a public google group with an email from someone with the exact same email signature - and full name.  And the guy went to school and lives on the west coast, consistent with the PST in Jezebel email.
2013-08-05 10:32:36 AM  
2 votes:

Diogenes: sigdiamond2000: miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

Not buying it. I hate these kind of motherf*ckers as much as the next guy, but this has contrived white male oppressor archetype fantasy written all over it.

I could be wrong, but it all just seems a bit overcooked.


I went to school with a ton of kids from affluent backgrounds.  When I was rushing the fraternities as a freshman I was told about one house in particular.  "Go to a rush party there and see how long it takes before a brother asks you what time it is," I was told by an upperclassman friend.  "Why?" I asked.  "They're checking to see what kind of watch you're wearing."

It took about 10 minutes once I walked in the door.  Suffice it to say, me and my Swatch weren't interested in them either.

I'm not saying this email is for real.  But I am saying such creatures exist.


Another thing - mid-seven figures to start a hedge fund management firm isn't "relatively small." It's minuscule.
2013-08-05 10:29:32 AM  
2 votes:

Nabb1: Nabb1: Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!

I'm pretty sure that this kid is not too big to fail." In fact, he seems just the perfect size to fail.

FTFM


So who is going to eat those losses? Slambro and his frat buddies? Daddy? Daddy's friends? No, you can't have that. I'm sure they'll come up with a way to socialize those losses.
2013-08-05 10:15:53 AM  
2 votes:

miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.


Not buying it. I hate these kind of motherf*ckers as much as the next guy, but this has contrived white male oppressor archetype fantasy written all over it.

I could be wrong, but it all just seems a bit overcooked.
2013-08-05 10:13:49 AM  
2 votes:

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.

I think dad knows that sonny boy is a fark up and doesn't want to risk his connections.


Nabb1: Nabb1: Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!

I'm pretty sure that this kid is not too big to fail." In fact, he seems just the perfect size to fail.

FTFM


STRONG likelihood.  I regret to say that I went to school with (and was a fraternity brother of) alot of guys like this.
2013-08-05 10:11:09 AM  
2 votes:

Mentat: You picked a bad time to get into hedge funds bra.


It's always a bad time for someone who can't even get hired as an analyst to start a hedge fund.
2013-08-05 10:06:50 AM  
2 votes:
The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!
2013-08-05 10:05:59 AM  
2 votes:

Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.


why would you want a real job when you can get filthy rich and obtain a lifetime supply of slampieces just by shaking hands with daddy's friends?
2013-08-05 10:05:38 AM  
2 votes:
This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.
2013-08-05 10:01:07 AM  
2 votes:
"...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.
2013-08-05 03:10:10 PM  
1 votes:

ChipNASA: [i.imgur.com image 400x598]


Somacandra: ModernLuddite: I am genuinely sad that this did not include the phrases "do you even lift" and "come at me".

I would also have accepted some use of the phrase "26 minutes" as well.


I kinda covered that.
2013-08-05 03:07:48 PM  
1 votes:
I'm skeptical. Like others have said, it's just too perfect. I think that if that was actually written by that person, then it was probably a joke of some kind, or at least exaggerated for comic effect.
2013-08-05 02:51:46 PM  
1 votes:

Sofa King Smart: Nabb1: Another thing - mid-seven figures to start a hedge fund management firm isn't "relatively small." It's minuscule.

didn't Mittens get his start with a mere $30 million of someone else's money... granted that was back in '84... private equity in the 80's was the hedge fund of today...


Yes, but he had binders full of slampieces.
2013-08-05 02:18:27 PM  
1 votes:

InmanRoshi: Ask any single girl who has dated in Manhattan ... there's very little difference between this guy and 45 year old investment bankers making high, high six figures.


Sounds like complaints from broads who can't make slampiece status anymore.

Nothing sadder then the complaints of degraded slampieces.
2013-08-05 01:51:46 PM  
1 votes:
Ask any single girl who has dated in Manhattan ... there's very little difference between this guy and 45 year old investment bankers making high, high six figures.
2013-08-05 12:41:12 PM  
1 votes:

sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.


It seems that every time Fark produces evidence of someone being a disgusting sexist moron, the bullshiat detectors go off.  That must be how to get through life, you just assume that everything distasteful or unbelievably idiotic is false!  If you don't think there are truckloads of a-holes like this packing the elevators of our cities skyscrapers, you must live in an idyllic dreamworld.
2013-08-05 12:40:26 PM  
1 votes:

Prank Call of Cthulhu: Daddy gave you a bunch of money to start a company with? Sounds bootstrappy!


Mid seven-figures? That's self-perpetuating wealth.
Index funds and bonds and do whatever the fark you want.
2013-08-05 12:29:31 PM  
1 votes:
Daddy gave you a bunch of money to start a company with? Sounds bootstrappy!
2013-08-05 12:06:17 PM  
1 votes:

hej: Tatterdemalian: It's also posted by Anna "I-threatened-myself-with-a-hatefarking-because-nobody-else-would" Breslaw.

/past behavior is still the most accurate predictor of future behavior

Please explain what this refers to.


My links are still getting filtered, I guess. Miss Breslaw basically went to the police to report some guy on campus making threats to hatefark her (and the word used was the one that gets filtered to "fark," if you're googling). The cops took it seriously enough to acquire the university server logs, and it turned out the messages were posted from Breslaw's own laptop.

/"Cognitive Dissonance" indeed
2013-08-05 12:05:19 PM  
1 votes:

skozlaw: seem to have some sort of weird inferiority complex


And I love when people provide their own Farkies.
2013-08-05 12:01:28 PM  
1 votes:

NutWrench: The end of the "e-mail" and my snazzy spidey-sense makes me think that this just might be a bit of satire:

The information in this email is most likely totally worthless and lacking of any benefit to society and/or anyone in particular. If you received this communication in error, then please immediately delete all of your saved porn & energetically beat yourself about the head. All other more intelligent actions taken in response to this information are prohibited, so there.


I can totally see the type of dudebro who would call women "slampieces" as being the same sort of dudebro who would think that ending all his emails in this way is hilarious.
2013-08-05 11:57:55 AM  
1 votes:

jfivealive: I don't think that's the guy. He works for Battery Ventures, so its consistent with the story, but that company was founded in 2001 I believe it said.


I found him.  I found his stanford email address which led me to his full name, which has like three different last names.  Using that i found his rich daddy.  The hedge fund never got off the ground, because ostensibly he is still toiling away as a Product Manager for a SF-based digital advertising company specializing in audience measurement and real-time advertising based on what I see.  He did have a lot of internships.
2013-08-05 11:50:57 AM  
1 votes:
i.imgur.com
2013-08-05 11:36:37 AM  
1 votes:
" After a series of summer internships, however, I have somehow found myself without a full-time job offer for the upcoming year. "

I think I know the answer to this mystery.
GBB
2013-08-05 11:35:39 AM  
1 votes:

Diogenes: sigdiamond2000: miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

Not buying it. I hate these kind of motherf*ckers as much as the next guy, but this has contrived white male oppressor archetype fantasy written all over it.

I could be wrong, but it all just seems a bit overcooked.


I went to school with a ton of kids from affluent backgrounds.  When I was rushing the fraternities as a freshman I was told about one house in particular.  "Go to a rush party there and see how long it takes before a brother asks you what time it is," I was told by an upperclassman friend.  "Why?" I asked.  "They're checking to see what kind of watch you're wearing."

It took about 10 minutes once I walked in the door.  Suffice it to say, me and my Swatch weren't interested in them either.

I'm not saying this email is for real.  But I am saying such creatures exist.


If you were expecting such attitudes, you should have gone in there with a bigger one and been all, "Time for you to get a farkin watch."  Play the part.
2013-08-05 11:33:47 AM  
1 votes:

skozlaw: Diogenes: Please tell us more about everything you find wrong with this site you're posting on.

Well, you seem to have some sort of weird inferiority complex which is kind of annoying, so maybe we could start there? Or maybe you could go get some happy pills or something and perk up a bit, champ, eh?


Back at ya, Mr. Critical.
2013-08-05 11:30:57 AM  
1 votes:
So apparently this is real.  He graduated from Stanford University.  He is a certified pilot.  His father is a CEO of a Mexican Steel company, publicly traded on the Mexican Stock Exchange.
2013-08-05 11:30:07 AM  
1 votes:
Gotta call bullshiat on this one. If the harpies at Jezebel had a name they'd be screeching it from the rooftops and calling the brat and dad for comment and forwarding the emails in the worlds biggest chain letter.

Nobody would ever put their own trust fund in a hedge fund because the the first principle is never touch the principal and they certainly wouldn't let their kid do it.
2013-08-05 11:24:53 AM  
1 votes:
HotWingConspiracy: "His education and background couldn't even land him a job"

... a job deserving of his ego.
A person whose fallback plan involves tapping the million-dollar-trust-fund to play banker doesn't really have to 'settle' like normal folk.
2013-08-05 11:24:43 AM  
1 votes:
Hedge fund managers should be forced to invest 95% of their own assets into the funds they manage.  If they really believe they are so great, then they can gamble with their own money and not just everyone else's.  Considering that there are > 10,000 hedge funds, the dude should have started about 40 years ago, then might of had a chance.
2013-08-05 11:23:20 AM  
1 votes:
Can't wait for the Fark follow-up headline about how easy it is to blow through a 7 figure fund when all you have is douche for brains.
2013-08-05 11:20:47 AM  
1 votes:

skozlaw: Diogenes: Well your fingers clearly aren't broken. Go find a link for that and submit it.

Because nothing ever gets submitted regarding the shifty practices of bankers and business executives, right?

But that sort of thing's not cool and fun like obviously fake emails designed to rile up gullible people so those things just get relegated to the cold death of the business tab where it doesn't potentially eat into Drew's ad revenue.


You're clearly too cool and savvy and serious for us.  Please tell us more about everything you find wrong with this site you're posting on.
2013-08-05 11:18:17 AM  
1 votes:

Diogenes: Well your fingers clearly aren't broken. Go find a link for that and submit it.


Because nothing ever gets submitted regarding the shifty practices of bankers and business executives, right?

But that sort of thing's not cool and fun like obviously fake emails designed to rile up gullible people so those things just get relegated to the cold death of the business tab where it doesn't potentially eat into Drew's ad revenue.
2013-08-05 11:17:05 AM  
1 votes:
Mentat: "You picked a bad time to get into hedge funds bra."

You seem to think it matters whether things go well.  The letter describes the trust-fund-baby-equivalent of a lemonade stand.
2013-08-05 11:16:16 AM  
1 votes:
I don't think that email would help him out that much in a sexual harassment lawsuit...
2013-08-05 11:15:24 AM  
1 votes:
Gross.
2013-08-05 11:14:49 AM  
1 votes:
After a series of summer internships, however, I have somehow found myself without a full-time job offer for the upcoming year. farkin' Obama's fault for strangling this economy.

Ok...

I know that my education and background qualifies me to lead a venture of this sort

His education and background couldn't even land him a job, and all he took away from it is that it's the president's fault. A crafty embezzler would do well to get on the ground floor of this, but I don't see much in the way of slampieces in this venture's future.
2013-08-05 11:14:18 AM  
1 votes:
I'm not surprised that people like this exist, but I only wish they get outed and shamed. And they'll have to wear this behavior around their neck for a good, long time.

To be an example to all others.

cdn.themis-media.com
2013-08-05 11:13:51 AM  
1 votes:
kassel-zeitung.de
What a slam piece may look like.
2013-08-05 10:52:27 AM  
1 votes:

SlothB77: My initial reaction is this is fake.  I am going to need some proof or evidence before I think anything else.


You don't think douchebags like this exist in real life?
2013-08-05 10:37:47 AM  
1 votes:
Sounds pretty gay.
2013-08-05 10:10:58 AM  
1 votes:

Hollie Maea: Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.

why would you want a real job when you can get filthy rich and obtain a lifetime supply of slampieces just by shaking hands with daddy's friends?


Personal dignity and self-worth?  I know, silly and quaint.
2013-08-05 10:09:13 AM  
1 votes:

Nabb1: Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!

I'm pretty sure that this kid is not too big to fail." In fact, he seems just the perfect size to fail.


FTFM
2013-08-05 09:59:34 AM  
1 votes:
You picked a bad time to get into hedge funds bra.
 
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