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(Jezebel)   Trust fund baby gets his daddy to give him some money for a hedge fund, for which he's looking to hire his frat brothers, but only the ones that can pull hot "slampieces" (and if you don't know, you're not qualified)   (jezebel.com) divider line 157
    More: Asinine, Brotherhood, Wedding Crashers  
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13792 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Aug 2013 at 11:04 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



157 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-08-05 12:29:31 PM  
Daddy gave you a bunch of money to start a company with? Sounds bootstrappy!
 
2013-08-05 12:37:34 PM  

miss diminutive: Hollie Maea: miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?

Orifice-On-Tap?


You're putting way too much thought into this.
/Approve.
 
2013-08-05 12:40:26 PM  

Prank Call of Cthulhu: Daddy gave you a bunch of money to start a company with? Sounds bootstrappy!


Mid seven-figures? That's self-perpetuating wealth.
Index funds and bonds and do whatever the fark you want.
 
2013-08-05 12:41:12 PM  

sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.


It seems that every time Fark produces evidence of someone being a disgusting sexist moron, the bullshiat detectors go off.  That must be how to get through life, you just assume that everything distasteful or unbelievably idiotic is false!  If you don't think there are truckloads of a-holes like this packing the elevators of our cities skyscrapers, you must live in an idyllic dreamworld.
 
2013-08-05 12:54:37 PM  
The website Jezebel makes me think of Jim Ross, BAH GAWD
 
2013-08-05 12:57:05 PM  
This a real-life email from a person who is not Sack Lodge fromWedding Crashers,but an actual human being who has numerals at the end of his name.

Um, might I point out that he's an actual human being that put a disclaimer at the end of the e-mail making it  painfully clear that the mail is a joke?  I mean, I know Jezebel is a site for bloggers with no sense of humor themselves, but how do they still miss it when it's essentially explicitly stated in the fwd mail's postscript?

//I mean, you could argue it's a joke in bad taste, but still, come on...
 
2013-08-05 01:04:11 PM  

Jim_Callahan: This a real-life email from a person who is not Sack Lodge fromWedding Crashers,but an actual human being who has numerals at the end of his name.

Um, might I point out that he's an actual human being that put a disclaimer at the end of the e-mail making it  painfully clear that the mail is a joke?  I mean, I know Jezebel is a site for bloggers with no sense of humor themselves, but how do they still miss it when it's essentially explicitly stated in the fwd mail's postscript?

//I mean, you could argue it's a joke in bad taste, but still, come on...


Never heard of email signatures, have we?
 
2013-08-05 01:04:14 PM  
farm6.staticflickr.com

Slampiece!
 
2013-08-05 01:08:44 PM  

jfivealive: I don't think that's the guy. He works for Battery Ventures, so its consistent with the story, but that company was founded in 2001 I believe it said.


take the name you found googling his email signature.  plug it into the following stanford computer science email template, then do a google search on the email address you created:

{first initial}{last name}@cs.stanford.edu

that will get you there.
 
2013-08-05 01:11:57 PM  

Diogenes: fireclown: Diogenes: Hollie Maea: miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?


Theater Major?

Cum dumpster was always a fav of mine.  Right up there with fark meat.  See, you have to combine the idea of getting off with a woman who is just a non-human object of your nutting.


I'm partial to "penis cozy"; learned it on Fark.
 
2013-08-05 01:26:08 PM  
Yeah, I think it's fake. But I have no problem believing people like this actually exist. I only doubt that they'd manage to cram that much douchebaggery into a single email.

Now, a seasoned Farker could do it easily.
 
2013-08-05 01:27:24 PM  

SlothB77: jfivealive: I don't think that's the guy. He works for Battery Ventures, so its consistent with the story, but that company was founded in 2001 I believe it said.

take the name you found googling his email signature.  plug it into the following stanford computer science email template, then do a google search on the email address you created:

{first initial}{last name}@cs.stanford.edu

that will get you there.


Ahh yes, that company must be one of the many he interned at.
 
2013-08-05 01:45:06 PM  
That reads exactly the same as me and my friends in 5th grade planning our company we were going to start, complete with the fictional trust fund we all had waiting for us.

Well minus "slampieces".  We were a bit more mature/classy than that.
 
2013-08-05 01:51:46 PM  
Ask any single girl who has dated in Manhattan ... there's very little difference between this guy and 45 year old investment bankers making high, high six figures.
 
2013-08-05 01:52:20 PM  
And let those who invest with him get what they deserve.
 
2013-08-05 01:59:10 PM  

BMFPitt: And let those who invest with him  99.99999999% of fund managers get what they deserve.


FTFY
 
2013-08-05 02:03:05 PM  
For some reason, the only mental image I can conjure up from "slampiece" is one of those "boxing nun" hand puppets.
 
2013-08-05 02:09:35 PM  

Hollie Maea: "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece". What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?


FWB arrangements usually go both ways (or should.)  I've had a FWB that called me her "Fark Buddy" and would call when she needed some "attention" as well.
 
2013-08-05 02:10:08 PM  

teenytinycornteeth: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

It seems that every time Fark produces evidence of someone being a disgusting sexist moron, the bullshiat detectors go off.  That must be how to get through life, you just assume that everything distasteful or unbelievably idiotic is false!  If you don't think there are truckloads of a-holes like this packing the elevators of our cities skyscrapers, you must live in an idyllic dreamworld.


Because everything you read on the internet is true!!
 
2013-08-05 02:18:27 PM  

InmanRoshi: Ask any single girl who has dated in Manhattan ... there's very little difference between this guy and 45 year old investment bankers making high, high six figures.


Sounds like complaints from broads who can't make slampiece status anymore.

Nothing sadder then the complaints of degraded slampieces.
 
2013-08-05 02:36:09 PM  
I thought the hedge fund industry was pretty much a standard 2% for management fees. If you have mid seven figures under management that would impute 100k for management expenses. But this guy is listing 200k of salaries. Story is fake or something.
 
2013-08-05 02:36:25 PM  

Cataholic: teenytinycornteeth: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

It seems that every time Fark produces evidence of someone being a disgusting sexist moron, the bullshiat detectors go off.  That must be how to get through life, you just assume that everything distasteful or unbelievably idiotic is false!  If you don't think there are truckloads of a-holes like this packing the elevators of our cities skyscrapers, you must live in an idyllic dreamworld.

Because everything you read on the internet is true!!


Right! That's exactly what I said!  Good job at reading!

Look, if you believe every single link on this page is false, thats fine, that's a level of pessimism that you have to live with.  But it seems to me that certain stories are taken immediately at face value, regardless of backup material, and some, namely those that reveal the completely disgusting side of human nature, tend to "set off bullshiat detectors".  Seems like a good mechanism to pretend that jerks like this guy don't exist, when many of us know first hand that they do. It's basically saying "I don't want to believe that a rich, privileged and seemingly educated male would speak about women/men/the world/rabbits this way so I'll just declare it to be false with no other evidence than 'it seems false'"
 
2013-08-05 02:38:13 PM  
assets.rollingstone.com

I guess it's wrong to say that life is about biatches and money if you're white, amirite?  Fact is, wimmin won't care where and how the asshat and his crew got the money; they will just be excited that they have it.
 
2013-08-05 02:40:50 PM  

miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.



I saw "another year, another slampiece" on the Overheard on a Goldman Sachs Elevator website; maybe it's favored by the Patrick Bateman set?
 
2013-08-05 02:51:46 PM  

Sofa King Smart: Nabb1: Another thing - mid-seven figures to start a hedge fund management firm isn't "relatively small." It's minuscule.

didn't Mittens get his start with a mere $30 million of someone else's money... granted that was back in '84... private equity in the 80's was the hedge fund of today...


Yes, but he had binders full of slampieces.
 
2013-08-05 02:52:54 PM  

Jim_Callahan: This a real-life email from a person who is not Sack Lodge fromWedding Crashers,but an actual human being who has numerals at the end of his name.

Um, might I point out that he's an actual human being that put a disclaimer at the end of the e-mail making it  painfully clear that the mail is a joke?  I mean, I know Jezebel is a site for bloggers with no sense of humor themselves, but how do they still miss it when it's essentially explicitly stated in the fwd mail's postscript?

//I mean, you could argue it's a joke in bad taste, but still, come on...


You could point that out.  Then I could point out that 4chan has a disclaimer that everything written on their site is a work of fiction.  Welcome to CYA.
 
2013-08-05 02:53:29 PM  

The My Little Pony Killer: No, instead you'd rather stamp your feet that everybody else ISN'T doing exactly what you want to do.


Says the guy who went about fifty miles out of his way to get offended on purpose by an idle comment suggesting this wasn't anything but a dumb joke of no consequence.

Goddamn, son, I'd hate to see how butthurt you and Diogenes get when somebody actually wrongs you. Maybe the two of you ought to get together and seek therapy before you go off and start shooting people.
 
2013-08-05 03:07:48 PM  
I'm skeptical. Like others have said, it's just too perfect. I think that if that was actually written by that person, then it was probably a joke of some kind, or at least exaggerated for comic effect.
 
2013-08-05 03:09:23 PM  

SlothB77: jfivealive: I don't think that's the guy. He works for Battery Ventures, so its consistent with the story, but that company was founded in 2001 I believe it said.

I found him.  I found his stanford email address which led me to his full name, which has like three different last names.  Using that i found his rich daddy.  The hedge fund never got off the ground, because ostensibly he is still toiling away as a Product Manager for a SF-based digital advertising company specializing in audience measurement and real-time advertising based on what I see.  He did have a lot of internships.


So you're saying the douche does not spray far from the nozzle?
 
2013-08-05 03:10:10 PM  

ChipNASA: [i.imgur.com image 400x598]


Somacandra: ModernLuddite: I am genuinely sad that this did not include the phrases "do you even lift" and "come at me".

I would also have accepted some use of the phrase "26 minutes" as well.


I kinda covered that.
 
2013-08-05 03:11:58 PM  

you are a puppet: I wanna make bank bro. I wanna get ass. I wanna drive a range rover.


Sounds like you need to get yourself to the Catalina Wine Mixer.


/POW!
//POW!! POW!!!
 
2013-08-05 03:14:03 PM  

Nabb1: I know it's bad ju-ju to wish cancer on someone, so I'll just wish this kid a case of syphilis so bad that his doctor gets a journal article about it published,


I love this.
 
2013-08-05 03:21:57 PM  
I won't say which major bank I'm affiliated with (for the time being).


I had an employee call wanting to transfer 150k into the investment side of the business, where I work.She was 24 and working out of NYC branch as an investment banker. Her BS if from University of Florida and she only holds the basic FINRA licenses.Turns out her income is $250k a year with no experience.


Considering I have a MBA, CFP, and CRPC and ten years experience, I'm a bit pissed off that they only pay me $60k to come up with her investment plan... something you would think she could do, considering she' an investment banker.
 
2013-08-05 03:30:36 PM  

SlothB77: jfivealive: I don't think that's the guy. He works for Battery Ventures, so its consistent with the story, but that company was founded in 2001 I believe it said.

I found him.  I found his stanford email address which led me to his full name, which has like three different last names.  Using that i found his rich daddy.  The hedge fund never got off the ground, because ostensibly he is still toiling away as a Product Manager for a SF-based digital advertising company specializing in audience measurement and real-time advertising based on what I see.  He did have a lot of internships.


I swear half of the white collar careers in this country are made up/invented jobs that provide no real value or service to anyone,  other than to provide former frat brahs and/or special little snowflakes a steady salary.     It would be halfway tolerable if they had any sense of modesty or humility about what an utter waste of  allocated resources they are to humanity, but most of them have been deluded into believing they're Masters of the Universe who deserve to get paid $200k a year based on their unique intellect and ambition.
 
2013-08-05 03:41:11 PM  

sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.


Agreed.

1. If the kid's dad has the funds to set him up with a seven figure trust fund, than it would seem that he would have enough contacts that he could land his kid a job.
2. Trusts are generally set up under very strict rules, which prohibit the early distribution to the beneficiary.
3. If the kids has a 7 figure trust he will generally belong to a fraternity of like situated persons (trust fund kids), who would be unlikely to work for "low six figures" even with benefits, even more so for the secretary position paying $70,000.
 
2013-08-05 03:41:52 PM  

Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.


He's not:
"Because I will spend most of my time networking, raising money, and handshaking with industry bigwigs..."

Basically, it's:
Imma drink with Dad's buddies all day long while you actually do the hard work of find shiat for me to invest in.
 
2013-08-05 03:53:41 PM  

KierzanDax: Basically, it's:
Imma drink with Dad's buddies all day long while you actually do the hard work of find shiat for me to invest in.


 I predict he'll be the head of a major investment bank within 15 years.  Sounds like he's on the  fast track and basically has the business model figured out.
 
2013-08-05 03:55:11 PM  

darcsun: Her BS if from University of Florida and she only holds the basic FINRA licenses.Turns out her income is $250k a year with no experience.


She must have let herself get slampieced for that job.
 
2013-08-05 04:05:27 PM  

KierzanDax: Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.

He's not:
"Because I will spend most of my time networking, raising money, and handshaking with industry bigwigs..."

Basically, it's:
Imma drink with Dad's buddies all day long while you actually do the hard work of find shiat for me to invest in.


Reminds me of the same ones I knew in college.  I was interning at AT&T during the summers while they were "networking and making contacts" caddying at mummy and daddy's club.
 
2013-08-05 04:30:27 PM  
aversion to hard work? check! sense of entitlement based on social standing? check! hatred of women? check! member of exclusive "boys club" that involves walking around with your thumb up another guy's ass? check!

it's a GOP incubator!
 
2013-08-05 04:47:13 PM  
I've heard that frat dudes pull down more top-shelf pussy than any of you guys can even dream about.
 
2013-08-05 05:06:19 PM  

Diogenes: sigdiamond2000: miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

Not buying it. I hate these kind of motherf*ckers as much as the next guy, but this has contrived white male oppressor archetype fantasy written all over it.

I could be wrong, but it all just seems a bit overcooked.


I went to school with a ton of kids from affluent backgrounds.  When I was rushing the fraternities as a freshman I was told about one house in particular.  "Go to a rush party there and see how long it takes before a brother asks you what time it is," I was told by an upperclassman friend.  "Why?" I asked.  "They're checking to see what kind of watch you're wearing."

It took about 10 minutes once I walked in the door.  Suffice it to say, me and my Swatch weren't interested in them either.

I'm not saying this email is for real.  But I am saying such creatures exist.



If that ever happens to you again, I suggest following this guy's example:

www.latimes.com
 
2013-08-05 05:11:46 PM  
Hehehehehe

Slampiece.

Teeeheheheheeheeee
 
2013-08-05 07:43:57 PM  
I hope this is fake/satire.

If not, that douche needs to be cockpunched, repeatedly.
 
2013-08-05 08:47:26 PM  

jfivealive: SlothB77: jfivealive: I don't think that's the guy. He works for Battery Ventures, so its consistent with the story, but that company was founded in 2001 I believe it said.

take the name you found googling his email signature.  plug it into the following stanford computer science email template, then do a google search on the email address you created:

{first initial}{last name}@cs.stanford.edu

that will get you there.

Ahh yes, that company must be one of the many he interned at.


If the picture I found is truly him then I understand why he feels he has to hire slampieces.
 
2013-08-05 08:54:52 PM  

If y'all want to delve into this world.  http://totalfratmove.com/



is where you want to go.
Be forewarned it is 99% BS
 
2013-08-05 09:04:48 PM  
Sig Ep Stanford Tennis douche. . . it is obviously a joke, but probably one that will get him fired in real life, lol.  What an idiot.
 
2013-08-05 09:16:44 PM  
I have to wonder what GOP family this twitwaffle is a scion of.
 
2013-08-05 09:18:02 PM  
Ugh. Try working for a start-up.

The venture capitalist dudes can be a real piece of work.buying 300$ bottles of wine on the money they loaned you, then setting a $15 limit on your business lunches, and other bs nitpicking.
 
2013-08-05 09:21:25 PM  

InmanRoshi: SlothB77: jfivealive: I don't think that's the guy. He works for Battery Ventures, so its consistent with the story, but that company was founded in 2001 I believe it said.

I found him.  I found his stanford email address which led me to his full name, which has like three different last names.  Using that i found his rich daddy.  The hedge fund never got off the ground, because ostensibly he is still toiling away as a Product Manager for a SF-based digital advertising company specializing in audience measurement and real-time advertising based on what I see.  He did have a lot of internships.

I swear half of the white collar careers in this country are made up/invented jobs that provide no real value or service to anyone,  other than to provide former frat brahs and/or special little snowflakes a steady salary.     It would be halfway tolerable if they had any sense of modesty or humility about what an utter waste of  allocated resources they are to humanity, but most of them have been deluded into believing they're Masters of the Universe who deserve to get paid $200k a year based on their unique intellect and ambition.


That last comment was meant to quote the above.

Stupid phone.
 
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