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(Jezebel)   Trust fund baby gets his daddy to give him some money for a hedge fund, for which he's looking to hire his frat brothers, but only the ones that can pull hot "slampieces" (and if you don't know, you're not qualified)   (jezebel.com) divider line 157
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13795 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Aug 2013 at 11:04 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



157 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2013-08-05 09:43:37 AM  
Yeah, I'm sure Prince Charming's issues in getting a job are all totally Obama's fault.

And when I was in college the preferred nomenclature was "slampig."
 
2013-08-05 09:54:52 AM  
I feel like I need to shower after having read that.
 
2013-08-05 09:56:54 AM  
I know it's bad ju-ju to wish cancer on someone, so I'll just wish this kid a case of syphilis so bad that his doctor gets a journal article about it published,
 
2013-08-05 09:59:34 AM  
You picked a bad time to get into hedge funds bra.
 
2013-08-05 10:01:07 AM  
"...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.
 
2013-08-05 10:05:38 AM  
This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.
 
2013-08-05 10:05:59 AM  

Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.


why would you want a real job when you can get filthy rich and obtain a lifetime supply of slampieces just by shaking hands with daddy's friends?
 
2013-08-05 10:06:42 AM  

Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.


I think dad knows that sonny boy is a fark up and doesn't want to risk his connections.
 
2013-08-05 10:06:50 AM  
The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!
 
2013-08-05 10:07:09 AM  

Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.


The kid is probably the Fredo of the family. His dad would rather let him crack open the trust fund early than destroy his business relationships by foisting his dumbass on anyone else,
 
2013-08-05 10:08:17 AM  

Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!


I'm pretty sure that this kid is "too big to fail." In fact, he seems just the perfect size to fail.
 
2013-08-05 10:09:13 AM  

Nabb1: Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!

I'm pretty sure that this kid is not too big to fail." In fact, he seems just the perfect size to fail.


FTFM
 
2013-08-05 10:09:32 AM  

sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.


Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.
 
2013-08-05 10:10:58 AM  

Hollie Maea: Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.

why would you want a real job when you can get filthy rich and obtain a lifetime supply of slampieces just by shaking hands with daddy's friends?


Personal dignity and self-worth?  I know, silly and quaint.
 
2013-08-05 10:11:09 AM  

Mentat: You picked a bad time to get into hedge funds bra.


It's always a bad time for someone who can't even get hired as an analyst to start a hedge fund.
 
2013-08-05 10:13:49 AM  

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.

I think dad knows that sonny boy is a fark up and doesn't want to risk his connections.


Nabb1: Nabb1: Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!

I'm pretty sure that this kid is not too big to fail." In fact, he seems just the perfect size to fail.

FTFM


STRONG likelihood.  I regret to say that I went to school with (and was a fraternity brother of) alot of guys like this.
 
2013-08-05 10:15:53 AM  

miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.


Not buying it. I hate these kind of motherf*ckers as much as the next guy, but this has contrived white male oppressor archetype fantasy written all over it.

I could be wrong, but it all just seems a bit overcooked.
 
2013-08-05 10:24:27 AM  

sigdiamond2000: miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

Not buying it. I hate these kind of motherf*ckers as much as the next guy, but this has contrived white male oppressor archetype fantasy written all over it.

I could be wrong, but it all just seems a bit overcooked.


I could be wrong as well. Honestly, I sort of hope that I am.

Also, the date on the email is Dec 2011. I wonder how many slampieces and profits they've accumulated by now...
 
2013-08-05 10:24:40 AM  
Sent: Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:35:13 -0800 (PST)

I wonder how ____ Ventures is going.  Also, since this is in pacific standard time, can we narrow down the possibilities to just rich west coast douchebags?
 
2013-08-05 10:29:20 AM  

sigdiamond2000: miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

Not buying it. I hate these kind of motherf*ckers as much as the next guy, but this has contrived white male oppressor archetype fantasy written all over it.

I could be wrong, but it all just seems a bit overcooked.



I went to school with a ton of kids from affluent backgrounds.  When I was rushing the fraternities as a freshman I was told about one house in particular.  "Go to a rush party there and see how long it takes before a brother asks you what time it is," I was told by an upperclassman friend.  "Why?" I asked.  "They're checking to see what kind of watch you're wearing."

It took about 10 minutes once I walked in the door.  Suffice it to say, me and my Swatch weren't interested in them either.

I'm not saying this email is for real.  But I am saying such creatures exist.
 
2013-08-05 10:29:32 AM  

Nabb1: Nabb1: Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!

I'm pretty sure that this kid is not too big to fail." In fact, he seems just the perfect size to fail.

FTFM


So who is going to eat those losses? Slambro and his frat buddies? Daddy? Daddy's friends? No, you can't have that. I'm sure they'll come up with a way to socialize those losses.
 
2013-08-05 10:32:36 AM  

Diogenes: sigdiamond2000: miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

Not buying it. I hate these kind of motherf*ckers as much as the next guy, but this has contrived white male oppressor archetype fantasy written all over it.

I could be wrong, but it all just seems a bit overcooked.


I went to school with a ton of kids from affluent backgrounds.  When I was rushing the fraternities as a freshman I was told about one house in particular.  "Go to a rush party there and see how long it takes before a brother asks you what time it is," I was told by an upperclassman friend.  "Why?" I asked.  "They're checking to see what kind of watch you're wearing."

It took about 10 minutes once I walked in the door.  Suffice it to say, me and my Swatch weren't interested in them either.

I'm not saying this email is for real.  But I am saying such creatures exist.


Another thing - mid-seven figures to start a hedge fund management firm isn't "relatively small." It's minuscule.
 
2013-08-05 10:35:58 AM  

Nabb1: Another thing - mid-seven figures to start a hedge fund management firm isn't "relatively small." It's minuscule.


That might push me into the "fake" column.
 
2013-08-05 10:36:33 AM  

Hollie Maea: Nabb1: Nabb1: Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!

I'm pretty sure that this kid is not too big to fail." In fact, he seems just the perfect size to fail.

FTFM

So who is going to eat those losses? Slambro and his frat buddies? Daddy? Daddy's friends? No, you can't have that. I'm sure they'll come up with a way to socialize those losses.


Uh, I am sure it is as you say.
 
2013-08-05 10:37:47 AM  
Sounds pretty gay.
 
2013-08-05 10:37:57 AM  
My initial reaction is this is fake.  I am going to need some proof or evidence before I think anything else.
 
2013-08-05 10:46:56 AM  
So I think I found this guy's name.  Fark's policy is not to post people's names, so I can't do it here.  But I can tell you how to find it.  Jezebel included the guy's email signature, which is quite unique.  So i took a part of that, put it into google in quotes.  Up came only a couple results, but one of the results has a public google group with an email from someone with the exact same email signature - and full name.  And the guy went to school and lives on the west coast, consistent with the PST in Jezebel email.
 
2013-08-05 10:52:27 AM  

SlothB77: My initial reaction is this is fake.  I am going to need some proof or evidence before I think anything else.


You don't think douchebags like this exist in real life?
 
2013-08-05 10:52:57 AM  

SlothB77: Sent: Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:35:13 -0800 (PST)

I wonder how ____ Ventures is going.  Also, since this is in pacific standard time, can we narrow down the possibilities to just rich west coast douchebags?


Seems like it should be pretty easy to track this bro down. Just look for a hedge fund started around 2011 with the name Something Ventures and staffed by three frat buddies (one with a Big Daddy), an intern, and a pile of slampieces.
 
2013-08-05 10:53:37 AM  
Oh never mind, you already found him.
 
2013-08-05 10:53:40 AM  
i, too, am calling "fake."

i'm sure the fraternity world is riven with this sort of douchebaggery; i just think this is a wee bit too perfect.
 
2013-08-05 10:57:46 AM  

miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.


I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?
 
2013-08-05 11:00:46 AM  

Hollie Maea: miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?


I have a few suggestions but that's best left to TFD.
 
2013-08-05 11:03:36 AM  

Hollie Maea: miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?


Orifice-On-Tap?
 
2013-08-05 11:05:49 AM  
He should have started a Jai Alai league, that would be a sure fire money maker.
 
2013-08-05 11:07:00 AM  

sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.


i18.photobucket.com
 
2013-08-05 11:07:54 AM  
*yawn*

kay, whatever. I'm not real concerned about Captain Cockbiter there while there's actually a significant number of people currently in the banking industry doing significant damage to the long term prospects of the economy.

Let's worry about the real bankers currently doing bad things before we worry about stupid kids sending silly emails, eh?
 
2013-08-05 11:10:01 AM  

skozlaw: *yawn*

kay, whatever. I'm not real concerned about Captain Cockbiter there while there's actually a significant number of people currently in the banking industry doing significant damage to the long term prospects of the economy.

Let's worry about the real bankers currently doing bad things before we worry about stupid kids sending silly emails, eh?


Well your fingers clearly aren't broken.  Go find a link for that and submit it.
 
2013-08-05 11:10:06 AM  
The end of the "e-mail" and my snazzy spidey-sense makes me think that this just might be a bit of satire:

The information in this email is most likely totally worthless and lacking of any benefit to society and/or anyone in particular. If you received this communication in error, then please immediately delete all of your saved porn & energetically beat yourself about the head. All other more intelligent actions taken in response to this information are prohibited, so there.
 
2013-08-05 11:10:45 AM  

Mugato: SlothB77: My initial reaction is this is fake.  I am going to need some proof or evidence before I think anything else.

You don't think douchebags like this exist in real life?


The number of douchebags who would LIKE to be that guy far, FAR exceeds the number of people who actually are - they are infinitessimally few.
Of course, this is Fark, where half the population aspires to be that fake guy - but hey, somebody has to get fooled into voting Republican. There aren't enough millionaires to elect them all.
 
2013-08-05 11:10:47 AM  

miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.


"Slampiece" reminds me of Pogs. Wait, no that's a Slammer.

Whatever.
 
2013-08-05 11:12:11 AM  
So, his business structure will be

1. Financial analyst. Do nothing, get paid 6 figures a year. Probably a lifelong friend.

2. Secretary. Keeps track of the nothing and finds stupid, slutty, gold digging tramps. $70,000 a year.

3. Pee-on. Does any actual work that may come up. Treated like trash. $25 an hour

/ hell, he might make a pretty good scam artist; but, that model is a non-starter
 
2013-08-05 11:12:55 AM  
I lost all my bitcoins when I invested in Neiman Marcus cookie futures. It was going well until someone released the recipe into the wild and now any one can make delicious Neiman Marcus cookie brand cookies.
 
2013-08-05 11:13:23 AM  

Diogenes: Hollie Maea: miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?



Theater Major?
 
2013-08-05 11:13:51 AM  
kassel-zeitung.de
What a slam piece may look like.
 
2013-08-05 11:14:18 AM  
I'm not surprised that people like this exist, but I only wish they get outed and shamed. And they'll have to wear this behavior around their neck for a good, long time.

To be an example to all others.

cdn.themis-media.com
 
2013-08-05 11:14:49 AM  
After a series of summer internships, however, I have somehow found myself without a full-time job offer for the upcoming year. farkin' Obama's fault for strangling this economy.

Ok...

I know that my education and background qualifies me to lead a venture of this sort

His education and background couldn't even land him a job, and all he took away from it is that it's the president's fault. A crafty embezzler would do well to get on the ground floor of this, but I don't see much in the way of slampieces in this venture's future.
 
2013-08-05 11:15:18 AM  
I wanna make bank bro. I wanna get ass. I wanna drive a range rover.
 
2013-08-05 11:15:24 AM  
Gross.
 
2013-08-05 11:16:06 AM  

fireclown: Diogenes: Hollie Maea: miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?


Theater Major?


Cum dumpster was always a fav of mine.  Right up there with fark meat.  See, you have to combine the idea of getting off with a woman who is just a non-human object of your nutting.
 
2013-08-05 11:16:12 AM  
img844.imageshack.us
 
2013-08-05 11:16:16 AM  
I don't think that email would help him out that much in a sexual harassment lawsuit...
 
2013-08-05 11:17:05 AM  
Mentat: "You picked a bad time to get into hedge funds bra."

You seem to think it matters whether things go well.  The letter describes the trust-fund-baby-equivalent of a lemonade stand.
 
2013-08-05 11:17:24 AM  

Hollie Maea: Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.

why would you want a real job when you can get filthy rich and obtain a lifetime supply of slampieces just by shaking hands with daddy's friends?


this kid has a big future.  Based on a similar case, once he goes breezes through his National Guard stint and rehab he'll become the GM the Astros, Governor of TX and eventually the President of the United States.
 
2013-08-05 11:18:17 AM  

Diogenes: Well your fingers clearly aren't broken. Go find a link for that and submit it.


Because nothing ever gets submitted regarding the shifty practices of bankers and business executives, right?

But that sort of thing's not cool and fun like obviously fake emails designed to rile up gullible people so those things just get relegated to the cold death of the business tab where it doesn't potentially eat into Drew's ad revenue.
 
2013-08-05 11:20:47 AM  

skozlaw: Diogenes: Well your fingers clearly aren't broken. Go find a link for that and submit it.

Because nothing ever gets submitted regarding the shifty practices of bankers and business executives, right?

But that sort of thing's not cool and fun like obviously fake emails designed to rile up gullible people so those things just get relegated to the cold death of the business tab where it doesn't potentially eat into Drew's ad revenue.


You're clearly too cool and savvy and serious for us.  Please tell us more about everything you find wrong with this site you're posting on.
 
2013-08-05 11:21:32 AM  

sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.


And they're sitting back with some popcorn.
I give it 30-40% likelihood of being legit.
 
2013-08-05 11:23:20 AM  
Can't wait for the Fark follow-up headline about how easy it is to blow through a 7 figure fund when all you have is douche for brains.
 
2013-08-05 11:24:13 AM  

Diogenes: Please tell us more about everything you find wrong with this site you're posting on.


Well, you seem to have some sort of weird inferiority complex which is kind of annoying, so maybe we could start there? Or maybe you could go get some happy pills or something and perk up a bit, champ, eh?
 
2013-08-05 11:24:43 AM  
Hedge fund managers should be forced to invest 95% of their own assets into the funds they manage.  If they really believe they are so great, then they can gamble with their own money and not just everyone else's.  Considering that there are > 10,000 hedge funds, the dude should have started about 40 years ago, then might of had a chance.
 
2013-08-05 11:24:53 AM  
HotWingConspiracy: "His education and background couldn't even land him a job"

... a job deserving of his ego.
A person whose fallback plan involves tapping the million-dollar-trust-fund to play banker doesn't really have to 'settle' like normal folk.
 
2013-08-05 11:25:48 AM  
The word "slampiece" makes me want to COLLECT THEM ALL AND WIN!!!

/dude, trade me that purple one. I'll give you this way more awesome one...
 
2013-08-05 11:26:12 AM  

iheartscotch: 1. Financial analyst. Do nothing, get paid 6 figures a year. Probably a lifelong friend.
2. Secretary. Keeps track of the nothing and finds stupid, slutty, gold digging tramps. $70,000 a year.
3. Pee-on. Does any actual work that may come up. Treated like trash. $25 an hour
/ hell, he might make a pretty good scam artist; but, that model is a non-starter


That's pushing $200,000 plus in management fees on a "mid 7-figure" hedge fund. Sign me up
 
2013-08-05 11:26:52 AM  

iheartscotch: So, his business structure will be

1. Financial analyst. Do nothing, get paid 6 figures a year. Probably a lifelong friend.

www.maximumpc.com
 
2013-08-05 11:27:43 AM  

Nabb1: Another thing - mid-seven figures to start a hedge fund management firm isn't "relatively small." It's minuscule.


didn't Mittens get his start with a mere $30 million of someone else's money... granted that was back in '84... private equity in the 80's was the hedge fund of today...
 
2013-08-05 11:30:07 AM  
Gotta call bullshiat on this one. If the harpies at Jezebel had a name they'd be screeching it from the rooftops and calling the brat and dad for comment and forwarding the emails in the worlds biggest chain letter.

Nobody would ever put their own trust fund in a hedge fund because the the first principle is never touch the principal and they certainly wouldn't let their kid do it.
 
2013-08-05 11:30:57 AM  
So apparently this is real.  He graduated from Stanford University.  He is a certified pilot.  His father is a CEO of a Mexican Steel company, publicly traded on the Mexican Stock Exchange.
 
2013-08-05 11:33:24 AM  

SlothB77: So I think I found this guy's name.  Fark's policy is not to post people's names, so I can't do it here.  But I can tell you how to find it.  Jezebel included the guy's email signature, which is quite unique.  So i took a part of that, put it into google in quotes.  Up came only a couple results, but one of the results has a public google group with an email from someone with the exact same email signature - and full name.  And the guy went to school and lives on the west coast, consistent with the PST in Jezebel email.


I don't think that's the guy.  He works for Battery Ventures, so its consistent with the story, but that company was founded in 2001 I believe it said.

The california state department business search is limited in it capabilities as well.  If it would let you sort by date, you could probably narrow it down.  But even so, just under corporations, searching for anything with the word Ventures in it, yields almost 8000 results.
 
2013-08-05 11:33:47 AM  

skozlaw: Diogenes: Please tell us more about everything you find wrong with this site you're posting on.

Well, you seem to have some sort of weird inferiority complex which is kind of annoying, so maybe we could start there? Or maybe you could go get some happy pills or something and perk up a bit, champ, eh?


Back at ya, Mr. Critical.
 
2013-08-05 11:35:19 AM  

SlothB77: His father is a CEO of a Mexican Steel


That's my favorite Spanish-speaking Judas Priest cover band.
 
GBB
2013-08-05 11:35:39 AM  

Diogenes: sigdiamond2000: miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

Not buying it. I hate these kind of motherf*ckers as much as the next guy, but this has contrived white male oppressor archetype fantasy written all over it.

I could be wrong, but it all just seems a bit overcooked.


I went to school with a ton of kids from affluent backgrounds.  When I was rushing the fraternities as a freshman I was told about one house in particular.  "Go to a rush party there and see how long it takes before a brother asks you what time it is," I was told by an upperclassman friend.  "Why?" I asked.  "They're checking to see what kind of watch you're wearing."

It took about 10 minutes once I walked in the door.  Suffice it to say, me and my Swatch weren't interested in them either.

I'm not saying this email is for real.  But I am saying such creatures exist.


If you were expecting such attitudes, you should have gone in there with a bigger one and been all, "Time for you to get a farkin watch."  Play the part.
 
2013-08-05 11:35:53 AM  
I am genuinely sad that this did not include the phrases "do you even lift" and "come at me".
 
2013-08-05 11:35:55 AM  
sigdiamond2000:
Not buying it. I hate these kind of motherf*ckers as much as the next guy, but this has contrived white male oppressor archetype fantasy written all over it.

starring Erik the vampire from True Blood? sign me up

jk. it was amusing how you put it is all
 
2013-08-05 11:36:37 AM  
" After a series of summer internships, however, I have somehow found myself without a full-time job offer for the upcoming year. "

I think I know the answer to this mystery.
 
2013-08-05 11:37:21 AM  

impaler: iheartscotch: 1. Financial analyst. Do nothing, get paid 6 figures a year. Probably a lifelong friend.
2. Secretary. Keeps track of the nothing and finds stupid, slutty, gold digging tramps. $70,000 a year.
3. Pee-on. Does any actual work that may come up. Treated like trash. $25 an hour
/ hell, he might make a pretty good scam artist; but, that model is a non-starter

That's pushing $200,000 plus in management fees on a "mid 7-figure" hedge fund. Sign me up


Indeed.

I'd be interested in the 6 figures to do nothing. I just had an interesting thought; maybe, just maybe, this scion of finance is obnoxious and unliked. So, he has to pay people to hang out with him. This business could be a function of that.

/ at least they're not contemplating homicide

// homicide
 
2013-08-05 11:37:59 AM  
Huh. Rich, spoiled, college-aged frat boy acts like a rich, spoiled, college-aged frat boy. Fire up the presses and warm up the NewsFlash tag!!

//it's not news......
 
2013-08-05 11:41:38 AM  

The Evil That Lies In The Hearts Of Men: " After a series of summer internships, however, I have somehow found myself without a full-time job offer for the upcoming year. "

I think I know the answer to this mystery.


thanks, obama?
 
2013-08-05 11:46:24 AM  

GBB: If you were expecting such attitudes, you should have gone in there with a bigger one and been all, "Time for you to get a farkin watch."  Play the part.


I would have gone with "Time to get in line for your mom" but that's just me.
 
2013-08-05 11:50:57 AM  
i.imgur.com
 
2013-08-05 11:51:16 AM  
i.imgur.com

R.I.P. SLAM

 
2013-08-05 11:52:29 AM  
Googling the email sig... Track down the name in that mess of golf invites... Google the name...

He has a degree in economics, and makes a good cup of coffee.

I'm sold! Where do I sign up?
 
2013-08-05 11:52:37 AM  

ModernLuddite: I am genuinely sad that this did not include the phrases "do you even lift" and "come at me".


I would also have accepted some use of the phrase "26 minutes" as well.
 
2013-08-05 11:54:42 AM  
25.media.tumblr.com
 
2013-08-05 11:55:16 AM  

sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.


It's also posted by Anna "I-threatened-myself-with-a-hatefarking-because-nobody-else-would" Breslaw.

/past behavior is still the most accurate predictor of future behavior
 
hej
2013-08-05 11:56:16 AM  

Tatterdemalian: It's also posted by Anna "I-threatened-myself-with-a-hatefarking-because-nobody-else-would" Breslaw.

/past behavior is still the most accurate predictor of future behavior


Please explain what this refers to.
 
2013-08-05 11:57:55 AM  

jfivealive: I don't think that's the guy. He works for Battery Ventures, so its consistent with the story, but that company was founded in 2001 I believe it said.


I found him.  I found his stanford email address which led me to his full name, which has like three different last names.  Using that i found his rich daddy.  The hedge fund never got off the ground, because ostensibly he is still toiling away as a Product Manager for a SF-based digital advertising company specializing in audience measurement and real-time advertising based on what I see.  He did have a lot of internships.
 
2013-08-05 11:59:33 AM  
If you had a trust fund in the mid SEVEN figures why would you be worried about a job or working ? You have a lot more time to pick up slam pieces when not working.
 
2013-08-05 12:01:28 PM  

NutWrench: The end of the "e-mail" and my snazzy spidey-sense makes me think that this just might be a bit of satire:

The information in this email is most likely totally worthless and lacking of any benefit to society and/or anyone in particular. If you received this communication in error, then please immediately delete all of your saved porn & energetically beat yourself about the head. All other more intelligent actions taken in response to this information are prohibited, so there.


I can totally see the type of dudebro who would call women "slampieces" as being the same sort of dudebro who would think that ending all his emails in this way is hilarious.
 
2013-08-05 12:04:18 PM  
I'm pretty sure I almost married a slam piece once
 
2013-08-05 12:04:28 PM  

skozlaw: Diogenes: Well your fingers clearly aren't broken. Go find a link for that and submit it.

Because nothing ever gets submitted regarding the shifty practices of bankers and business executives, right?

But that sort of thing's not cool and fun like obviously fake emails designed to rile up gullible people so those things just get relegated to the cold death of the business tab where it doesn't potentially eat into Drew's ad revenue.


That explains why you're still hanging out in this thread instead of going to the threads with the super important extra critical things that YOU want to discuss.

No, instead you'd rather stamp your feet that everybody else ISN'T doing exactly what you want to do.  It's more than a little pathetic, and that says something in a thread about a douchebag fratbro.
 
hej
2013-08-05 12:04:33 PM  

kindms: If you had a trust fund in the mid SEVEN figures why would you be worried about a job or working ? You have a lot more time to pick up slam pieces when not working.


That sort of money can be spent pretty quickly, especially if you live in wealthier areas.
 
2013-08-05 12:05:03 PM  

OscarTamerz: the harpies at Jezebel


So, do you regret writing that email now?
 
2013-08-05 12:05:19 PM  

skozlaw: seem to have some sort of weird inferiority complex


And I love when people provide their own Farkies.
 
2013-08-05 12:06:17 PM  

hej: Tatterdemalian: It's also posted by Anna "I-threatened-myself-with-a-hatefarking-because-nobody-else-would" Breslaw.

/past behavior is still the most accurate predictor of future behavior

Please explain what this refers to.


My links are still getting filtered, I guess. Miss Breslaw basically went to the police to report some guy on campus making threats to hatefark her (and the word used was the one that gets filtered to "fark," if you're googling). The cops took it seriously enough to acquire the university server logs, and it turned out the messages were posted from Breslaw's own laptop.

/"Cognitive Dissonance" indeed
 
2013-08-05 12:09:29 PM  

Tatterdemalian: My links are still getting filtered, I guess. Miss Breslaw basically went to the police to report some guy on campus making threats to hatefark her (and the word used was the one that gets filtered to "fark," if you're googling). The cops took it seriously enough to acquire the university server logs, and it turned out the messages were posted from Breslaw's own laptop.


OMG! The phone call was coming from within the house!
 
2013-08-05 12:15:55 PM  

Dow Jones and the Temple of Doom: I'm pretty sure I almost married a slam piece once


Me too! No, wait, I slammed a married piece. Not the same thing at all. Sorry.
 
2013-08-05 12:16:35 PM  
Did he play Lacrosse?  Is he a Spy now?
 
2013-08-05 12:25:06 PM  
His dad owns a dealership.
 
2013-08-05 12:25:57 PM  

you are a puppet: I wanna make bank bro. I wanna get ass. I wanna drive a range rover.


Personal opinion - Range and Land Rovers suck. Bank and Ass are nice choices, though

/F250
 
2013-08-05 12:27:10 PM  

iheartscotch: So, his business structure will be

1. Financial analyst. Do nothing, get paid 6 figures a year. Probably a lifelong friend.

2. Secretary. Keeps track of the nothing and finds stupid, slutty, gold digging tramps. $70,000 a year.

3. Pee-on. Does any actual work that may come up. Treated like trash. $25 an hour

/ hell, he might make a pretty good scam artist; but, that model is a non-starter


I would say success of failure depends on the skill of the financial analyst.  If the models he puts together make money, everything else will fall into place.   If he can't, the company will dissolve and junior will be asking for more venture capital from his father.
 
2013-08-05 12:29:31 PM  
Daddy gave you a bunch of money to start a company with? Sounds bootstrappy!
 
2013-08-05 12:37:34 PM  

miss diminutive: Hollie Maea: miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?

Orifice-On-Tap?


You're putting way too much thought into this.
/Approve.
 
2013-08-05 12:40:26 PM  

Prank Call of Cthulhu: Daddy gave you a bunch of money to start a company with? Sounds bootstrappy!


Mid seven-figures? That's self-perpetuating wealth.
Index funds and bonds and do whatever the fark you want.
 
2013-08-05 12:41:12 PM  

sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.


It seems that every time Fark produces evidence of someone being a disgusting sexist moron, the bullshiat detectors go off.  That must be how to get through life, you just assume that everything distasteful or unbelievably idiotic is false!  If you don't think there are truckloads of a-holes like this packing the elevators of our cities skyscrapers, you must live in an idyllic dreamworld.
 
2013-08-05 12:54:37 PM  
The website Jezebel makes me think of Jim Ross, BAH GAWD
 
2013-08-05 12:57:05 PM  
This a real-life email from a person who is not Sack Lodge fromWedding Crashers,but an actual human being who has numerals at the end of his name.

Um, might I point out that he's an actual human being that put a disclaimer at the end of the e-mail making it  painfully clear that the mail is a joke?  I mean, I know Jezebel is a site for bloggers with no sense of humor themselves, but how do they still miss it when it's essentially explicitly stated in the fwd mail's postscript?

//I mean, you could argue it's a joke in bad taste, but still, come on...
 
2013-08-05 01:04:11 PM  

Jim_Callahan: This a real-life email from a person who is not Sack Lodge fromWedding Crashers,but an actual human being who has numerals at the end of his name.

Um, might I point out that he's an actual human being that put a disclaimer at the end of the e-mail making it  painfully clear that the mail is a joke?  I mean, I know Jezebel is a site for bloggers with no sense of humor themselves, but how do they still miss it when it's essentially explicitly stated in the fwd mail's postscript?

//I mean, you could argue it's a joke in bad taste, but still, come on...


Never heard of email signatures, have we?
 
2013-08-05 01:04:14 PM  
farm6.staticflickr.com

Slampiece!
 
2013-08-05 01:08:44 PM  

jfivealive: I don't think that's the guy. He works for Battery Ventures, so its consistent with the story, but that company was founded in 2001 I believe it said.


take the name you found googling his email signature.  plug it into the following stanford computer science email template, then do a google search on the email address you created:

{first initial}{last name}@cs.stanford.edu

that will get you there.
 
2013-08-05 01:11:57 PM  

Diogenes: fireclown: Diogenes: Hollie Maea: miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?


Theater Major?

Cum dumpster was always a fav of mine.  Right up there with fark meat.  See, you have to combine the idea of getting off with a woman who is just a non-human object of your nutting.


I'm partial to "penis cozy"; learned it on Fark.
 
2013-08-05 01:26:08 PM  
Yeah, I think it's fake. But I have no problem believing people like this actually exist. I only doubt that they'd manage to cram that much douchebaggery into a single email.

Now, a seasoned Farker could do it easily.
 
2013-08-05 01:27:24 PM  

SlothB77: jfivealive: I don't think that's the guy. He works for Battery Ventures, so its consistent with the story, but that company was founded in 2001 I believe it said.

take the name you found googling his email signature.  plug it into the following stanford computer science email template, then do a google search on the email address you created:

{first initial}{last name}@cs.stanford.edu

that will get you there.


Ahh yes, that company must be one of the many he interned at.
 
2013-08-05 01:45:06 PM  
That reads exactly the same as me and my friends in 5th grade planning our company we were going to start, complete with the fictional trust fund we all had waiting for us.

Well minus "slampieces".  We were a bit more mature/classy than that.
 
2013-08-05 01:51:46 PM  
Ask any single girl who has dated in Manhattan ... there's very little difference between this guy and 45 year old investment bankers making high, high six figures.
 
2013-08-05 01:52:20 PM  
And let those who invest with him get what they deserve.
 
2013-08-05 01:59:10 PM  

BMFPitt: And let those who invest with him  99.99999999% of fund managers get what they deserve.


FTFY
 
2013-08-05 02:03:05 PM  
For some reason, the only mental image I can conjure up from "slampiece" is one of those "boxing nun" hand puppets.
 
2013-08-05 02:09:35 PM  

Hollie Maea: "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece". What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?


FWB arrangements usually go both ways (or should.)  I've had a FWB that called me her "Fark Buddy" and would call when she needed some "attention" as well.
 
2013-08-05 02:10:08 PM  

teenytinycornteeth: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

It seems that every time Fark produces evidence of someone being a disgusting sexist moron, the bullshiat detectors go off.  That must be how to get through life, you just assume that everything distasteful or unbelievably idiotic is false!  If you don't think there are truckloads of a-holes like this packing the elevators of our cities skyscrapers, you must live in an idyllic dreamworld.


Because everything you read on the internet is true!!
 
2013-08-05 02:18:27 PM  

InmanRoshi: Ask any single girl who has dated in Manhattan ... there's very little difference between this guy and 45 year old investment bankers making high, high six figures.


Sounds like complaints from broads who can't make slampiece status anymore.

Nothing sadder then the complaints of degraded slampieces.
 
2013-08-05 02:36:09 PM  
I thought the hedge fund industry was pretty much a standard 2% for management fees. If you have mid seven figures under management that would impute 100k for management expenses. But this guy is listing 200k of salaries. Story is fake or something.
 
2013-08-05 02:36:25 PM  

Cataholic: teenytinycornteeth: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

It seems that every time Fark produces evidence of someone being a disgusting sexist moron, the bullshiat detectors go off.  That must be how to get through life, you just assume that everything distasteful or unbelievably idiotic is false!  If you don't think there are truckloads of a-holes like this packing the elevators of our cities skyscrapers, you must live in an idyllic dreamworld.

Because everything you read on the internet is true!!


Right! That's exactly what I said!  Good job at reading!

Look, if you believe every single link on this page is false, thats fine, that's a level of pessimism that you have to live with.  But it seems to me that certain stories are taken immediately at face value, regardless of backup material, and some, namely those that reveal the completely disgusting side of human nature, tend to "set off bullshiat detectors".  Seems like a good mechanism to pretend that jerks like this guy don't exist, when many of us know first hand that they do. It's basically saying "I don't want to believe that a rich, privileged and seemingly educated male would speak about women/men/the world/rabbits this way so I'll just declare it to be false with no other evidence than 'it seems false'"
 
2013-08-05 02:38:13 PM  
assets.rollingstone.com

I guess it's wrong to say that life is about biatches and money if you're white, amirite?  Fact is, wimmin won't care where and how the asshat and his crew got the money; they will just be excited that they have it.
 
2013-08-05 02:40:50 PM  

miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.



I saw "another year, another slampiece" on the Overheard on a Goldman Sachs Elevator website; maybe it's favored by the Patrick Bateman set?
 
2013-08-05 02:51:46 PM  

Sofa King Smart: Nabb1: Another thing - mid-seven figures to start a hedge fund management firm isn't "relatively small." It's minuscule.

didn't Mittens get his start with a mere $30 million of someone else's money... granted that was back in '84... private equity in the 80's was the hedge fund of today...


Yes, but he had binders full of slampieces.
 
2013-08-05 02:52:54 PM  

Jim_Callahan: This a real-life email from a person who is not Sack Lodge fromWedding Crashers,but an actual human being who has numerals at the end of his name.

Um, might I point out that he's an actual human being that put a disclaimer at the end of the e-mail making it  painfully clear that the mail is a joke?  I mean, I know Jezebel is a site for bloggers with no sense of humor themselves, but how do they still miss it when it's essentially explicitly stated in the fwd mail's postscript?

//I mean, you could argue it's a joke in bad taste, but still, come on...


You could point that out.  Then I could point out that 4chan has a disclaimer that everything written on their site is a work of fiction.  Welcome to CYA.
 
2013-08-05 02:53:29 PM  

The My Little Pony Killer: No, instead you'd rather stamp your feet that everybody else ISN'T doing exactly what you want to do.


Says the guy who went about fifty miles out of his way to get offended on purpose by an idle comment suggesting this wasn't anything but a dumb joke of no consequence.

Goddamn, son, I'd hate to see how butthurt you and Diogenes get when somebody actually wrongs you. Maybe the two of you ought to get together and seek therapy before you go off and start shooting people.
 
2013-08-05 03:07:48 PM  
I'm skeptical. Like others have said, it's just too perfect. I think that if that was actually written by that person, then it was probably a joke of some kind, or at least exaggerated for comic effect.
 
2013-08-05 03:09:23 PM  

SlothB77: jfivealive: I don't think that's the guy. He works for Battery Ventures, so its consistent with the story, but that company was founded in 2001 I believe it said.

I found him.  I found his stanford email address which led me to his full name, which has like three different last names.  Using that i found his rich daddy.  The hedge fund never got off the ground, because ostensibly he is still toiling away as a Product Manager for a SF-based digital advertising company specializing in audience measurement and real-time advertising based on what I see.  He did have a lot of internships.


So you're saying the douche does not spray far from the nozzle?
 
2013-08-05 03:10:10 PM  

ChipNASA: [i.imgur.com image 400x598]


Somacandra: ModernLuddite: I am genuinely sad that this did not include the phrases "do you even lift" and "come at me".

I would also have accepted some use of the phrase "26 minutes" as well.


I kinda covered that.
 
2013-08-05 03:11:58 PM  

you are a puppet: I wanna make bank bro. I wanna get ass. I wanna drive a range rover.


Sounds like you need to get yourself to the Catalina Wine Mixer.


/POW!
//POW!! POW!!!
 
2013-08-05 03:14:03 PM  

Nabb1: I know it's bad ju-ju to wish cancer on someone, so I'll just wish this kid a case of syphilis so bad that his doctor gets a journal article about it published,


I love this.
 
2013-08-05 03:21:57 PM  
I won't say which major bank I'm affiliated with (for the time being).


I had an employee call wanting to transfer 150k into the investment side of the business, where I work.She was 24 and working out of NYC branch as an investment banker. Her BS if from University of Florida and she only holds the basic FINRA licenses.Turns out her income is $250k a year with no experience.


Considering I have a MBA, CFP, and CRPC and ten years experience, I'm a bit pissed off that they only pay me $60k to come up with her investment plan... something you would think she could do, considering she' an investment banker.
 
2013-08-05 03:30:36 PM  

SlothB77: jfivealive: I don't think that's the guy. He works for Battery Ventures, so its consistent with the story, but that company was founded in 2001 I believe it said.

I found him.  I found his stanford email address which led me to his full name, which has like three different last names.  Using that i found his rich daddy.  The hedge fund never got off the ground, because ostensibly he is still toiling away as a Product Manager for a SF-based digital advertising company specializing in audience measurement and real-time advertising based on what I see.  He did have a lot of internships.


I swear half of the white collar careers in this country are made up/invented jobs that provide no real value or service to anyone,  other than to provide former frat brahs and/or special little snowflakes a steady salary.     It would be halfway tolerable if they had any sense of modesty or humility about what an utter waste of  allocated resources they are to humanity, but most of them have been deluded into believing they're Masters of the Universe who deserve to get paid $200k a year based on their unique intellect and ambition.
 
2013-08-05 03:41:11 PM  

sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.


Agreed.

1. If the kid's dad has the funds to set him up with a seven figure trust fund, than it would seem that he would have enough contacts that he could land his kid a job.
2. Trusts are generally set up under very strict rules, which prohibit the early distribution to the beneficiary.
3. If the kids has a 7 figure trust he will generally belong to a fraternity of like situated persons (trust fund kids), who would be unlikely to work for "low six figures" even with benefits, even more so for the secretary position paying $70,000.
 
2013-08-05 03:41:52 PM  

Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.


He's not:
"Because I will spend most of my time networking, raising money, and handshaking with industry bigwigs..."

Basically, it's:
Imma drink with Dad's buddies all day long while you actually do the hard work of find shiat for me to invest in.
 
2013-08-05 03:53:41 PM  

KierzanDax: Basically, it's:
Imma drink with Dad's buddies all day long while you actually do the hard work of find shiat for me to invest in.


 I predict he'll be the head of a major investment bank within 15 years.  Sounds like he's on the  fast track and basically has the business model figured out.
 
2013-08-05 03:55:11 PM  

darcsun: Her BS if from University of Florida and she only holds the basic FINRA licenses.Turns out her income is $250k a year with no experience.


She must have let herself get slampieced for that job.
 
2013-08-05 04:05:27 PM  

KierzanDax: Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.

He's not:
"Because I will spend most of my time networking, raising money, and handshaking with industry bigwigs..."

Basically, it's:
Imma drink with Dad's buddies all day long while you actually do the hard work of find shiat for me to invest in.


Reminds me of the same ones I knew in college.  I was interning at AT&T during the summers while they were "networking and making contacts" caddying at mummy and daddy's club.
 
2013-08-05 04:30:27 PM  
aversion to hard work? check! sense of entitlement based on social standing? check! hatred of women? check! member of exclusive "boys club" that involves walking around with your thumb up another guy's ass? check!

it's a GOP incubator!
 
2013-08-05 04:47:13 PM  
I've heard that frat dudes pull down more top-shelf pussy than any of you guys can even dream about.
 
2013-08-05 05:06:19 PM  

Diogenes: sigdiamond2000: miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

Not buying it. I hate these kind of motherf*ckers as much as the next guy, but this has contrived white male oppressor archetype fantasy written all over it.

I could be wrong, but it all just seems a bit overcooked.


I went to school with a ton of kids from affluent backgrounds.  When I was rushing the fraternities as a freshman I was told about one house in particular.  "Go to a rush party there and see how long it takes before a brother asks you what time it is," I was told by an upperclassman friend.  "Why?" I asked.  "They're checking to see what kind of watch you're wearing."

It took about 10 minutes once I walked in the door.  Suffice it to say, me and my Swatch weren't interested in them either.

I'm not saying this email is for real.  But I am saying such creatures exist.



If that ever happens to you again, I suggest following this guy's example:

www.latimes.com
 
2013-08-05 05:11:46 PM  
Hehehehehe

Slampiece.

Teeeheheheheeheeee
 
2013-08-05 07:43:57 PM  
I hope this is fake/satire.

If not, that douche needs to be cockpunched, repeatedly.
 
2013-08-05 08:47:26 PM  

jfivealive: SlothB77: jfivealive: I don't think that's the guy. He works for Battery Ventures, so its consistent with the story, but that company was founded in 2001 I believe it said.

take the name you found googling his email signature.  plug it into the following stanford computer science email template, then do a google search on the email address you created:

{first initial}{last name}@cs.stanford.edu

that will get you there.

Ahh yes, that company must be one of the many he interned at.


If the picture I found is truly him then I understand why he feels he has to hire slampieces.
 
2013-08-05 08:54:52 PM  

If y'all want to delve into this world.  http://totalfratmove.com/



is where you want to go.
Be forewarned it is 99% BS
 
2013-08-05 09:04:48 PM  
Sig Ep Stanford Tennis douche. . . it is obviously a joke, but probably one that will get him fired in real life, lol.  What an idiot.
 
2013-08-05 09:16:44 PM  
I have to wonder what GOP family this twitwaffle is a scion of.
 
2013-08-05 09:18:02 PM  
Ugh. Try working for a start-up.

The venture capitalist dudes can be a real piece of work.buying 300$ bottles of wine on the money they loaned you, then setting a $15 limit on your business lunches, and other bs nitpicking.
 
2013-08-05 09:21:25 PM  

InmanRoshi: SlothB77: jfivealive: I don't think that's the guy. He works for Battery Ventures, so its consistent with the story, but that company was founded in 2001 I believe it said.

I found him.  I found his stanford email address which led me to his full name, which has like three different last names.  Using that i found his rich daddy.  The hedge fund never got off the ground, because ostensibly he is still toiling away as a Product Manager for a SF-based digital advertising company specializing in audience measurement and real-time advertising based on what I see.  He did have a lot of internships.

I swear half of the white collar careers in this country are made up/invented jobs that provide no real value or service to anyone,  other than to provide former frat brahs and/or special little snowflakes a steady salary.     It would be halfway tolerable if they had any sense of modesty or humility about what an utter waste of  allocated resources they are to humanity, but most of them have been deluded into believing they're Masters of the Universe who deserve to get paid $200k a year based on their unique intellect and ambition.


That last comment was meant to quote the above.

Stupid phone.
 
2013-08-05 10:24:23 PM  

ChipNASA: [i.imgur.com image 400x598]


Was wondering when J.F. Page would get a mention....

/+1
 
2013-08-05 11:00:35 PM  

Diogenes: fireclown: Diogenes: Hollie Maea: miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?


Theater Major?

Cum dumpster was always a fav of mine.  Right up there with fark meat.  See, you have to combine the idea of getting off with a woman who is just a non-human object of your nutting.


How about "frat mattress" or "sorostitute"?
 
2013-08-05 11:07:06 PM  

Actually, this had a shot at being one of the most successful hedge funds ever. Here's how it could have gone down.

STEP ONE


"Hey brah, come join my hedge fund! Dad's got a bunch of his golf buddies on board, I just need you to crunch some numbers for me!"
"Sweet, bro. I only have one question. Will there be slampieces?"
"Yes. Yes there will."


STEP TWO


"Dude, quit slamming that slampiece and get your ass in here!"
"What is it, man? That was some prime slampiece I was getting!"
"Dude, you were supposed to like come up with shiat for us to invest in! We've got to publish a quarterly earnings report by 5:00 and you've had all our funds sitting in a savings account down at the local S&L this whole time!"
"Ahh, sorry brah, that's my bad... I just got so distracted with all the slampieces."

STEP THREE


"Um, hello?"
"Son? This is your father. We need to have a very, very serious talk."
"Yeah, uh, Dad, listen, I'm really sor--"
"How did you do it? My God, boy, how did you manage eight-tenths of a percent return? It's a miracle! You even beat the S&P 500 for Christ's sake! My boy's a genius!"
"Um... well, sir, I just remembered all the great advice you gave me over the years."
"Ha! That's my boy. Now listen, take my advice one more time. Don't get shackled down to some spiteful shrew like I did with your mother. You go out and get yourself some slampieces, son. You've earned them!"

/yes, I know hedge funds are not meant to be supercharged mutual funds
//but neither do a lot of the people who want to invest in one
///and neither do some of the people running them
 
2013-08-05 11:25:27 PM  

ringersol: Mentat: "You picked a bad time to get into hedge funds bra."

You seem to think it matters whether things go well.  The letter describes the trust-fund-baby-equivalent of a lemonade stand.


Actually, as this article shows, every Tom, Dick and Trevor can open a hedge fund.  It's not like the old days where hedge funds were a niche market where a few really smart guys could manipulate inefficiencies in the market.  Now everyone has quants pouring over the data with high performance computing systems.  The easy money is long gone, and now the Feds are starting to sniff around.  All of the smart money has already moved on to the new thing, leaving the scraps for douchebags like this.
 
HBK
2013-08-06 12:32:55 AM  

Gaseous Anomaly: Diogenes: fireclown: Diogenes: Hollie Maea: miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?


Theater Major?

Cum dumpster was always a fav of mine.  Right up there with fark meat.  See, you have to combine the idea of getting off with a woman who is just a non-human object of your nutting.

I'm partial to "penis cozy"; learned it on Fark.


We always just referred to the ladies as "accommodating." As in, "invite some accommodating ladies to the party" or "Lori's always accommodating." We were classy.

/UTexas '06
 
2013-08-06 08:06:53 AM  

Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!


So, so very THIS.
 
2013-08-06 06:29:46 PM  

teenytinycornteeth: Cataholic: teenytinycornteeth: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

It seems that every time Fark produces evidence of someone being a disgusting sexist moron, the bullshiat detectors go off.  That must be how to get through life, you just assume that everything distasteful or unbelievably idiotic is false!  If you don't think there are truckloads of a-holes like this packing the elevators of our cities skyscrapers, you must live in an idyllic dreamworld.

Because everything you read on the internet is true!!

Right! That's exactly what I said!  Good job at reading!

Look, if you believe every single link on this page is false, thats fine, that's a level of pessimism that you have to live with.  But it seems to me that certain stories are taken immediately at face value, regardless of backup material, and some, namely those that reveal the completely disgusting side of human nature, tend to "set off bullshiat detectors".  Seems like a good mechanism to pretend that jerks like this guy don't exist, when many of us know first hand that they do. It's basically saying "I don't want to believe that a rich, privileged and seemingly educated male would speak about women/men/the world/rabbits this way so I'll just declare it to be false with no other evidence than 'it seems false'"


Kinda like the mommy blogger who's son was supposedly attacked in Walmart for wearing a pink headband?

Please, the only stories around here that are accepted as gospel truth are the ones that use "unnamed sources" to make republicans look bad...or consumerist links.
 
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