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(Jezebel)   Trust fund baby gets his daddy to give him some money for a hedge fund, for which he's looking to hire his frat brothers, but only the ones that can pull hot "slampieces" (and if you don't know, you're not qualified)   (jezebel.com) divider line 157
    More: Asinine, Brotherhood, Wedding Crashers  
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13792 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Aug 2013 at 11:04 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



157 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-08-05 09:43:37 AM  
Yeah, I'm sure Prince Charming's issues in getting a job are all totally Obama's fault.

And when I was in college the preferred nomenclature was "slampig."
 
2013-08-05 09:54:52 AM  
I feel like I need to shower after having read that.
 
2013-08-05 09:56:54 AM  
I know it's bad ju-ju to wish cancer on someone, so I'll just wish this kid a case of syphilis so bad that his doctor gets a journal article about it published,
 
2013-08-05 09:59:34 AM  
You picked a bad time to get into hedge funds bra.
 
2013-08-05 10:01:07 AM  
"...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.
 
2013-08-05 10:05:38 AM  
This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.
 
2013-08-05 10:05:59 AM  

Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.


why would you want a real job when you can get filthy rich and obtain a lifetime supply of slampieces just by shaking hands with daddy's friends?
 
2013-08-05 10:06:42 AM  

Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.


I think dad knows that sonny boy is a fark up and doesn't want to risk his connections.
 
2013-08-05 10:06:50 AM  
The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!
 
2013-08-05 10:07:09 AM  

Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.


The kid is probably the Fredo of the family. His dad would rather let him crack open the trust fund early than destroy his business relationships by foisting his dumbass on anyone else,
 
2013-08-05 10:08:17 AM  

Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!


I'm pretty sure that this kid is "too big to fail." In fact, he seems just the perfect size to fail.
 
2013-08-05 10:09:13 AM  

Nabb1: Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!

I'm pretty sure that this kid is not too big to fail." In fact, he seems just the perfect size to fail.


FTFM
 
2013-08-05 10:09:32 AM  

sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.


Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.
 
2013-08-05 10:10:58 AM  

Hollie Maea: Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.

why would you want a real job when you can get filthy rich and obtain a lifetime supply of slampieces just by shaking hands with daddy's friends?


Personal dignity and self-worth?  I know, silly and quaint.
 
2013-08-05 10:11:09 AM  

Mentat: You picked a bad time to get into hedge funds bra.


It's always a bad time for someone who can't even get hired as an analyst to start a hedge fund.
 
2013-08-05 10:13:49 AM  

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Diogenes: "...powerful father and connections..."

So powerful and connected he couldn't hook you up with a job?  I'm kind of suspicious that he's actually interested in a real job.

I think dad knows that sonny boy is a fark up and doesn't want to risk his connections.


Nabb1: Nabb1: Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!

I'm pretty sure that this kid is not too big to fail." In fact, he seems just the perfect size to fail.

FTFM


STRONG likelihood.  I regret to say that I went to school with (and was a fraternity brother of) alot of guys like this.
 
2013-08-05 10:15:53 AM  

miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.


Not buying it. I hate these kind of motherf*ckers as much as the next guy, but this has contrived white male oppressor archetype fantasy written all over it.

I could be wrong, but it all just seems a bit overcooked.
 
2013-08-05 10:24:27 AM  

sigdiamond2000: miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

Not buying it. I hate these kind of motherf*ckers as much as the next guy, but this has contrived white male oppressor archetype fantasy written all over it.

I could be wrong, but it all just seems a bit overcooked.


I could be wrong as well. Honestly, I sort of hope that I am.

Also, the date on the email is Dec 2011. I wonder how many slampieces and profits they've accumulated by now...
 
2013-08-05 10:24:40 AM  
Sent: Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:35:13 -0800 (PST)

I wonder how ____ Ventures is going.  Also, since this is in pacific standard time, can we narrow down the possibilities to just rich west coast douchebags?
 
2013-08-05 10:29:20 AM  

sigdiamond2000: miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

Not buying it. I hate these kind of motherf*ckers as much as the next guy, but this has contrived white male oppressor archetype fantasy written all over it.

I could be wrong, but it all just seems a bit overcooked.



I went to school with a ton of kids from affluent backgrounds.  When I was rushing the fraternities as a freshman I was told about one house in particular.  "Go to a rush party there and see how long it takes before a brother asks you what time it is," I was told by an upperclassman friend.  "Why?" I asked.  "They're checking to see what kind of watch you're wearing."

It took about 10 minutes once I walked in the door.  Suffice it to say, me and my Swatch weren't interested in them either.

I'm not saying this email is for real.  But I am saying such creatures exist.
 
2013-08-05 10:29:32 AM  

Nabb1: Nabb1: Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!

I'm pretty sure that this kid is not too big to fail." In fact, he seems just the perfect size to fail.

FTFM


So who is going to eat those losses? Slambro and his frat buddies? Daddy? Daddy's friends? No, you can't have that. I'm sure they'll come up with a way to socialize those losses.
 
2013-08-05 10:32:36 AM  

Diogenes: sigdiamond2000: miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

Not buying it. I hate these kind of motherf*ckers as much as the next guy, but this has contrived white male oppressor archetype fantasy written all over it.

I could be wrong, but it all just seems a bit overcooked.


I went to school with a ton of kids from affluent backgrounds.  When I was rushing the fraternities as a freshman I was told about one house in particular.  "Go to a rush party there and see how long it takes before a brother asks you what time it is," I was told by an upperclassman friend.  "Why?" I asked.  "They're checking to see what kind of watch you're wearing."

It took about 10 minutes once I walked in the door.  Suffice it to say, me and my Swatch weren't interested in them either.

I'm not saying this email is for real.  But I am saying such creatures exist.


Another thing - mid-seven figures to start a hedge fund management firm isn't "relatively small." It's minuscule.
 
2013-08-05 10:35:58 AM  

Nabb1: Another thing - mid-seven figures to start a hedge fund management firm isn't "relatively small." It's minuscule.


That might push me into the "fake" column.
 
2013-08-05 10:36:33 AM  

Hollie Maea: Nabb1: Nabb1: Hollie Maea: The best part is that if this guy and his bros fark things up, we get to bail them out!

I'm pretty sure that this kid is not too big to fail." In fact, he seems just the perfect size to fail.

FTFM

So who is going to eat those losses? Slambro and his frat buddies? Daddy? Daddy's friends? No, you can't have that. I'm sure they'll come up with a way to socialize those losses.


Uh, I am sure it is as you say.
 
2013-08-05 10:37:47 AM  
Sounds pretty gay.
 
2013-08-05 10:37:57 AM  
My initial reaction is this is fake.  I am going to need some proof or evidence before I think anything else.
 
2013-08-05 10:46:56 AM  
So I think I found this guy's name.  Fark's policy is not to post people's names, so I can't do it here.  But I can tell you how to find it.  Jezebel included the guy's email signature, which is quite unique.  So i took a part of that, put it into google in quotes.  Up came only a couple results, but one of the results has a public google group with an email from someone with the exact same email signature - and full name.  And the guy went to school and lives on the west coast, consistent with the PST in Jezebel email.
 
2013-08-05 10:52:27 AM  

SlothB77: My initial reaction is this is fake.  I am going to need some proof or evidence before I think anything else.


You don't think douchebags like this exist in real life?
 
2013-08-05 10:52:57 AM  

SlothB77: Sent: Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:35:13 -0800 (PST)

I wonder how ____ Ventures is going.  Also, since this is in pacific standard time, can we narrow down the possibilities to just rich west coast douchebags?


Seems like it should be pretty easy to track this bro down. Just look for a hedge fund started around 2011 with the name Something Ventures and staffed by three frat buddies (one with a Big Daddy), an intern, and a pile of slampieces.
 
2013-08-05 10:53:37 AM  
Oh never mind, you already found him.
 
2013-08-05 10:53:40 AM  
i, too, am calling "fake."

i'm sure the fraternity world is riven with this sort of douchebaggery; i just think this is a wee bit too perfect.
 
2013-08-05 10:57:46 AM  

miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.


I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?
 
2013-08-05 11:00:46 AM  

Hollie Maea: miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?


I have a few suggestions but that's best left to TFD.
 
2013-08-05 11:03:36 AM  

Hollie Maea: miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?


Orifice-On-Tap?
 
2013-08-05 11:05:49 AM  
He should have started a Jai Alai league, that would be a sure fire money maker.
 
2013-08-05 11:07:00 AM  

sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.


i18.photobucket.com
 
2013-08-05 11:07:54 AM  
*yawn*

kay, whatever. I'm not real concerned about Captain Cockbiter there while there's actually a significant number of people currently in the banking industry doing significant damage to the long term prospects of the economy.

Let's worry about the real bankers currently doing bad things before we worry about stupid kids sending silly emails, eh?
 
2013-08-05 11:10:01 AM  

skozlaw: *yawn*

kay, whatever. I'm not real concerned about Captain Cockbiter there while there's actually a significant number of people currently in the banking industry doing significant damage to the long term prospects of the economy.

Let's worry about the real bankers currently doing bad things before we worry about stupid kids sending silly emails, eh?


Well your fingers clearly aren't broken.  Go find a link for that and submit it.
 
2013-08-05 11:10:06 AM  
The end of the "e-mail" and my snazzy spidey-sense makes me think that this just might be a bit of satire:

The information in this email is most likely totally worthless and lacking of any benefit to society and/or anyone in particular. If you received this communication in error, then please immediately delete all of your saved porn & energetically beat yourself about the head. All other more intelligent actions taken in response to this information are prohibited, so there.
 
2013-08-05 11:10:45 AM  

Mugato: SlothB77: My initial reaction is this is fake.  I am going to need some proof or evidence before I think anything else.

You don't think douchebags like this exist in real life?


The number of douchebags who would LIKE to be that guy far, FAR exceeds the number of people who actually are - they are infinitessimally few.
Of course, this is Fark, where half the population aspires to be that fake guy - but hey, somebody has to get fooled into voting Republican. There aren't enough millionaires to elect them all.
 
2013-08-05 11:10:47 AM  

miss diminutive: sigdiamond2000: This hits way too many douchebro touchstones. It's all too perfect.

My bullsh*t detector is spiking.

Having come across several rich fratboys in my time, I'd say this email is probably legitimate.

Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.


"Slampiece" reminds me of Pogs. Wait, no that's a Slammer.

Whatever.
 
2013-08-05 11:12:11 AM  
So, his business structure will be

1. Financial analyst. Do nothing, get paid 6 figures a year. Probably a lifelong friend.

2. Secretary. Keeps track of the nothing and finds stupid, slutty, gold digging tramps. $70,000 a year.

3. Pee-on. Does any actual work that may come up. Treated like trash. $25 an hour

/ hell, he might make a pretty good scam artist; but, that model is a non-starter
 
2013-08-05 11:12:55 AM  
I lost all my bitcoins when I invested in Neiman Marcus cookie futures. It was going well until someone released the recipe into the wild and now any one can make delicious Neiman Marcus cookie brand cookies.
 
2013-08-05 11:13:23 AM  

Diogenes: Hollie Maea: miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?



Theater Major?
 
2013-08-05 11:13:51 AM  
kassel-zeitung.de
What a slam piece may look like.
 
2013-08-05 11:14:18 AM  
I'm not surprised that people like this exist, but I only wish they get outed and shamed. And they'll have to wear this behavior around their neck for a good, long time.

To be an example to all others.

cdn.themis-media.com
 
2013-08-05 11:14:49 AM  
After a series of summer internships, however, I have somehow found myself without a full-time job offer for the upcoming year. farkin' Obama's fault for strangling this economy.

Ok...

I know that my education and background qualifies me to lead a venture of this sort

His education and background couldn't even land him a job, and all he took away from it is that it's the president's fault. A crafty embezzler would do well to get on the ground floor of this, but I don't see much in the way of slampieces in this venture's future.
 
2013-08-05 11:15:18 AM  
I wanna make bank bro. I wanna get ass. I wanna drive a range rover.
 
2013-08-05 11:15:24 AM  
Gross.
 
2013-08-05 11:16:06 AM  

fireclown: Diogenes: Hollie Maea: miss diminutive: Although "slampiece" is new to me. Must mean I'm getting old.

I must say, although the job description has stayed pretty constant, the terms have been rapidly getting a lot more demeaning. First "Friend with Benefit" then "Fark Buddy" and now "Slampiece".  What's next, "Vag-On-Call"?


Theater Major?


Cum dumpster was always a fav of mine.  Right up there with fark meat.  See, you have to combine the idea of getting off with a woman who is just a non-human object of your nutting.
 
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