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(GQ)   GQ offers rules for naming your punishment from God for having sex in the worst baby-naming era in human history   (gq.com) divider line 353
    More: Hero, human history, baby, punishments  
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11756 clicks; posted to Main » on 24 Jul 2013 at 10:27 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



353 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-07-24 09:45:35 AM
If you name your kid Braden or Jayden or any variation thereof, you should be publicly executed.
 
2013-07-24 09:52:48 AM
My buddy Oranjellow and his brother Lemonjellow read this article and thought it was hilarious.
 
2013-07-24 10:12:26 AM
or we could continue giving our children biblical names...
 
2013-07-24 10:17:43 AM
"Do not name your child after...A car".  But I *like* the name Mercedes and not because of the dumb car.

/Baby names I had picked out for my fictional kids:  Delaney or Devon for a girl, Dashiell or Justinian (but we'd call him Justin to spare him daily beatings at school) for a boy.
//Not TOO weird and, with the possible exception of Dashiell, not targets for being teased.  Unless Dashiell grew up fat.
 
2013-07-24 10:29:16 AM
headline hurty.
 
2013-07-24 10:30:58 AM
Do not name your child after the following things:A television networkAn item in the Pottery Barn catalogSome goddamn character in TwilightA carA type of New Age exercise methodYourselfFoodAny celebrity baby. We already have one Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette. We don't need a second one.
DON'T CALL ME JR!

media.npr.org
 
2013-07-24 10:31:55 AM
Placenta Febreze Intruder.
True story.
 
2013-07-24 10:32:17 AM
Think about the kid and not yourself.

That one pretty much works all the time. Sad it's at the end of the list. Even sadder it has to be said at all.
 
2013-07-24 10:32:59 AM
It's "ahz-WEE-pay!"
 
2013-07-24 10:33:18 AM

brigid_fitch: Mercedes


The name was around long before the car, wasn't it? According to Wikipedia, "Mercedes is a feminine given name of Spanish origin, referring to a title for the, 'Our Lady of Mercy'."
 
2013-07-24 10:34:38 AM
I'm thinking it all boils down to this: "Do you want friends and family to be dazzled by your creativity? That's probably what's going on here, even if you can't admit it. "
 
2013-07-24 10:34:50 AM
As someone whose children have bizarre and bizarrely spelled names, I'm getting a kick out of this article. At least they have normal middle names...
 
2013-07-24 10:35:18 AM
Best GQ article I've read in a long, long time.

/y is the emergency third-string vowel
 
2013-07-24 10:35:23 AM
OR: Don't have kids and enjoy your one and only life you get.
 
2013-07-24 10:35:34 AM
CSB: My brother threatened for years to name his firstborn "Cadillac Hubcap"... ended up being Emily Rose. /csb

Article is too serious. Everyone knows these plebeian rules do not apply to the wealthy.
 
2013-07-24 10:35:47 AM

brigid_fitch: "Do not name your child after...A car".  But I *like* the name Mercedes and not because of the dumb car.

/Baby names I had picked out for my fictional kids:  Delaney or Devon for a girl, Dashiell or Justinian (but we'd call him Justin to spare him daily beatings at school) for a boy.
//Not TOO weird and, with the possible exception of Dashiell, not targets for being teased.  Unless Dashiell grew up fat.


The car was actually named after a girl named Mercedes, that one gets a pass.
 
2013-07-24 10:36:28 AM
Yeah, I don't get the "don't name the kid after yourself" thing. After all, that's the only way you can have a great-grandchild with "IV" at the end of his name, and that's the epitome of a cool name.

Actually, my older son and I just have the same initials. Didn't even plan that, but I guess he can use my monogrammed stuff when he grows up.
 
2013-07-24 10:36:31 AM
Also, don't name your daughters after Disney Princesses.   I worked with a guy who had 3 daughters, Jasmine, Belle and Aurora.  Yeah good luck keeping them off the pole buddy.
 
2013-07-24 10:37:42 AM
I'm blanking on the name now, but I knew this lady once who named her kid something that sounded very Klingon-like.

The kid's a basket case.
 
2013-07-24 10:38:09 AM
I was insisting on "Umlaut" as a middle name, no matter the gender.

/wound up with a girl, gave her my grandmother's nickame as a middle name (Lucille)
//first name is Julie.  Not Julee, not Jules, not Juley.
 
2013-07-24 10:38:15 AM
But can I give my kid a single name?
 
2013-07-24 10:38:28 AM
My name's Kari. It's like Carrie but with a k instead of a c, an ah instead of an eh, only one r, and i instead of ie.
 
2013-07-24 10:38:35 AM
One rule, and one rule only.
Say the name in this context: "Please welcome Supreme Court Justice __________."
Then put on the intro to Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and say the name in *this* context: "Gentlemen!! Now appearing on the Crotchateria Lounge Main Stage -- put your hands together and start your boners for ________!"
 
2013-07-24 10:38:51 AM
Sum Ting Wong?
 
2013-07-24 10:39:52 AM
Stop using surnames as given names.
 
2013-07-24 10:40:44 AM
If you're having a girl, run the proposed names past your favorite local Farkers.

We will be able to tell you if you have inadvertently selected a stripper/porn name for your little girl, who we presume you want to keep off the pole.

Rule 1: do not choose a girl's name based on geography. Southern and western locales are especially porny - Savannah, Houston, Phoenix, Montana, Dakota, etc.

You might be able to use a northeastern geographical name, but the pickings are slim. "...And these are my daughters Poughkeepsie, Woonsocket, Billerica and Dixville Notch."
 
2013-07-24 10:41:45 AM
Do not invent a name. Most inventions fail. Many don't even make it past the patent stage. What makes you think a name you created out of thin air is gonna stand the test of time?

Every god damned name and word in the universe was made up.  Get over yourself.
 
2013-07-24 10:41:45 AM

wildcardjack: But can I give my kid a single name?


When my wife was pregnant, we always joked that we were going to name the baby, "The Artist Formally Known As"  since it would work for either a girl or a boy.
 
2013-07-24 10:41:58 AM
 
2013-07-24 10:42:12 AM

Russ1642: My name's Kari. It's like Carrie but with a k instead of a c, an ah instead of an eh, only one r, and i instead of ie.


As it Hari-Kari?
 
2013-07-24 10:42:14 AM

brigid_fitch: "Do not name your child after...A car".  But I *like* the name Mercedes and not because of the dumb car.


Then you must like it because of a memorable trip to a strip club.
 
2013-07-24 10:42:15 AM

brigid_fitch: "Do not name your child after...A car".  But I *like* the name Mercedes and not because of the dumb car.

/Baby names I had picked out for my fictional kids:  Delaney or Devon for a girl, Dashiell or Justinian (but we'd call him Justin to spare him daily beatings at school) for a boy.
//Not TOO weird and, with the possible exception of Dashiell, not targets for being teased.  Unless Dashiell grew up fat.


No.  Mercedes is not a character from the Count of Montecristo.  Not anymore.  It's a goddamned car.
 
2013-07-24 10:42:20 AM
How about this? The rest of us won't give a fark what ever the hell you name your child. How about that rule?
 
2013-07-24 10:42:24 AM

Jammybee: Stop using surnames as given names.



Tell that to our friends Taylor, Tyler, and Mackenzie.
 
2013-07-24 10:42:37 AM

Gonz: Yeah, I don't get the "don't name the kid after yourself" thing. After all, that's the only way you can have a great-grandchild with "IV" at the end of his name, and that's the epitome of a cool name.

Actually, my older son and I just have the same initials. Didn't even plan that, but I guess he can use my monogrammed stuff when he grows up.


yeah, i think it's perfectly acceptable to name a kid after yourself.  perhaps it's because I live in the south, but it's pretty normal.  and, once you get to the third, then you have a Trey nickname.  i'm sure there are other names for fourths and fifths.  but i only know of the third and second (junior, which kind of sucks).
 
2013-07-24 10:43:03 AM
www.sonnack.com
 
2013-07-24 10:43:47 AM
I see a wave of kids named Zimmerman Tebow hitting Florida kindergartens in five years.
 
2013-07-24 10:44:07 AM
I have adopted 2 foster kids, dammit I did not pick those names but I can't make the protest in front of them without making them feel shiatty
 
2013-07-24 10:44:09 AM
That means African Princess, dunnnit?
 
2013-07-24 10:44:34 AM

brigid_fitch: "Do not name your child after...A car".  But I *like* the name Mercedes and not because of the dumb car.

/Baby names I had picked out for my fictional kids:  Delaney or Devon for a girl, Dashiell or Justinian (but we'd call him Justin to spare him daily beatings at school) for a boy.
//Not TOO weird and, with the possible exception of Dashiell, not targets for being teased.  Unless Dashiell grew up fat.


Yeah, pretty much all of those are worthy of scorn.
 
2013-07-24 10:44:44 AM

pute kisses like a man: Gonz: Yeah, I don't get the "don't name the kid after yourself" thing. After all, that's the only way you can have a great-grandchild with "IV" at the end of his name, and that's the epitome of a cool name.

Actually, my older son and I just have the same initials. Didn't even plan that, but I guess he can use my monogrammed stuff when he grows up.

yeah, i think it's perfectly acceptable to name a kid after yourself.  perhaps it's because I live in the south, but it's pretty normal.  and, once you get to the third, then you have a Trey nickname.  i'm sure there are other names for fourths and fifths.  but i only know of the third and second (junior, which kind of sucks).


I'm a II (named after my grandfather), so if I have a son, it does seem like it might be kinda cool to give him my name...and then call him Trip, like in Enterprise.
 
2013-07-24 10:44:55 AM

Mr. Coffee Nerves: Then put on the intro to Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and say the name in *this* context: "Gentlemen!! Now appearing on the Crotchateria Lounge Main Stage -- put your hands together and start your boners for

Mildred Eunice Pratehatchet!"

i'd boner up for that.  perhaps more out of curiosity than anything
 
2013-07-24 10:45:04 AM
Bob.
Good solid name.
 
2013-07-24 10:45:21 AM
Disappoint fark....

1-ps.googleusercontent.com
 
2013-07-24 10:45:27 AM
I don't want kids, and my SO is only about 25% sure she does (I'm keeping a wary eye on THAT biological clock).

I have a standing deal with her that maybe I could be talked into it if I have veto-proof naming rights, and can choose to name any future offspring after Batman characters. I'm totally serious.

And I mean full "character's last name is child's middle name" too, just so the reference is obvious. Helps that some of those characters have last names that work as given names. So if it's a boy, Bruce Wayne Mylastname, or Jim Gordon Mylastname. If it's a girl, Selina Kyle Mylastname.

Hopefully this will discourage her.
 
2013-07-24 10:45:30 AM

brigid_fitch: Dashiell


no
 
2013-07-24 10:45:36 AM
www.biography.com

I'ma let you finish but North West is the greatest baby name of all time.
 
2013-07-24 10:45:37 AM

Sonneillon: Russ1642: My name's Kari. It's like Carrie but with a k instead of a c, an ah instead of an eh, only one r, and i instead of ie.

As it Hari-Kari?


Excuse me I don't know why I said that, you must have had it mentioned a couple of times in the past and "jokes" like this pretty much lose their hilarity after the first couple of hundred times.
 
2013-07-24 10:46:18 AM

Gulper Eel: If you're having a girl, run the proposed names past your favorite local Farkers.

We will be able to tell you if you have inadvertently selected a stripper/porn name for your little girl, who we presume you want to keep off the pole.

Rule 1: do not choose a girl's name based on geography. Southern and western locales are especially porny - Savannah, Houston, Phoenix, Montana, Dakota, etc.

You might be able to use a northeastern geographical name, but the pickings are slim. "...And these are my daughters Poughkeepsie, Woonsocket, Billerica and Dixville Notch."

 Dixville Notch

 has a great porn future
 
2013-07-24 10:46:32 AM
The oddest I've ever considered was Friday if we had a girl, but my wife wouldn't go for it.

/ended up with a boy named Tristan
 
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