If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(CNN)   You almost drowned, and that's horrible. Look on the bright side, though. At least your day can't get any worse   (cnn.com) divider line 56
    More: Sad, O Globo, Globo TV, jetski, Brazilians  
•       •       •

12433 clicks; posted to Main » on 24 Jul 2013 at 6:46 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



56 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

First | « | 1 | 2 | » | Last | Show all
 
2013-07-23 08:44:41 PM
Solution: give lifeguards underwater shotguns.
Start a gritty reboot of Baywatch.  They're still scantily clad and at least 10% plastic, but now it's from repairing shark bites.  Pam Anderson and the Hoff stay for the first season, Hoff has no legs and one eye.  They patrol the waters on hover-skis, they're like jetskis, but also hovercraft and also go underwater, the hoverskirt pops off when the ski goes under forming a rescue raft.  Pam dies halfway through the first season, a shark crossbreeds with a whale, makes a shark whale, the team forms an uneasy alliance with the whale-shark.  Whale shark had beef with the Hoff in the past, season one ends, we don't know who's making it season 2, hoff or whaleshark.  It's whaleshark.
 
2013-07-23 09:06:02 PM

Wall_of_Doodoo: These ideas would improve your idea because your idea was pretty good but it lacked Treat Williams and a bear.


You have to treat the franchise with respect.  We're going to have to do research.  If the Hoff, in a fit of rage over the team choosing whaleshark, causes an earthquake, dumping thousands of grizzly bears into the ocean, how many could bang a sharkwhale or whaleshark before dying?  You've gonna have to wait for the spawn to grow.  I mean, we could end season 1 with a foreboding shot of a bear, whale and shark in a torrid threesome in a nuclear reactor, but we'd better wait at least 6 months in the baywatch world before bearwhalesharks show up.  Treat Williams could maybe be a bear researcher, and that would explain how the baywatch team and Treat get together.  But we've gotta run a model on the breathholding and copulation speeds.  Maybe have the bears mid-coitus then just finish in a shark whale trio.  You have to respect the audience, and the franchise's integrity.
 
2013-07-23 09:28:59 PM

staplermofo: Wall_of_Doodoo: These ideas would improve your idea because your idea was pretty good but it lacked Treat Williams and a bear.

You have to treat the franchise with respect.  We're going to have to do research.  If the Hoff, in a fit of rage over the team choosing whaleshark, causes an earthquake, dumping thousands of grizzly bears into the ocean, how many could bang a sharkwhale or whaleshark before dying?  You've gonna have to wait for the spawn to grow.  I mean, we could end season 1 with a foreboding shot of a bear, whale and shark in a torrid threesome in a nuclear reactor, but we'd better wait at least 6 months in the baywatch world before bearwhalesharks show up.  Treat Williams could maybe be a bear researcher, and that would explain how the baywatch team and Treat get together.  But we've gotta run a model on the breathholding and copulation speeds.  Maybe have the bears mid-coitus then just finish in a shark whale trio.  You have to respect the audience, and the franchise's integrity.


What about basically the spawn is some sort of half-shark half bear obviously with a strong tail fin for swimming but with bear feet so it could attack and move on land.

You could call it Bearwatch. Can we get David Duchovny as a hardnose investigator of the bearshark phenomenon? He's only got half an arm.

I think you need to build on seasons.
Season 1: We introduce the bearshark, beachgoers are protected by an elite group of fighters. End of season a hurricane pulls hundreds of pregnant bearsharks out of the oceans. One falls into a nuclear reactor and mutates, creating a super bearshark. Her spawn begins to hatch...

Season 2: The super bearsharks learn how to read and communicate at an exponential rate

Season 3: The bearsharks have begun to destroy humanity. They create a supervirus that wipes out most of humanity.

Season 4: The last remaining humans successfully develop robots to kill the super bearsharks, but is it too late?

Season 5: A squad of Cybernetic superbearsharks emerge and attack the last remaining outpost. Duchovny sacrifices himself as he's eaten, EMP blast kills them all before they can eat the last humans. Treat Williams and the Hoff declare their undying love for each other. Fin
 
2013-07-23 09:33:06 PM
I can think of about a brazilian other ways I would want to go that didn't involve drowning or being eaten by a shark.

Like having a skydiving threesome with Emma Stone and Kate Upton and realizing my parachute doesn't work right after climaxing. Now that's a way to go.
 
2013-07-23 09:41:29 PM
i2.cdn.turner.com

A sign like that?  Well then.  I won't be swimming there.
 
2013-07-23 09:42:19 PM
Good, good.  Now, we're going to need substory arcs to develop the side characters.
Times are different now, we've gotta be more culturally sensitive and inclusive.  We're gonna need a muslim.  She's from the desert, the baywatchers aren't sure she's up to snuff, so she's always out to prove herself.  She learned to swim in the sand, she's incredibly strong, but our ways are foreign to her.  She'll keep trying to use idioms or pop culture references, but get them slightly wrong.  Like she'll say "By the beard of Allah, if Hoff catches us, he'll ply our goose."  We'll have the writers punch it up.  Also, she disapproves of our lax morals, and she's always eating this muslim food, loves it, but everybody else, they can't stand it.  It'll lighten things up.

We'll get an Australian, he's quite the lady's man, very smooth.  He's got the hots for the muslimette, but it's hot and cold.  Sometimes he goes for Pam.  He's funny, but his wife and daughter were eaten by a shark and bear respectively.  We don't find out right away, but we see a shark-tooth bear-claw necklace he's wearing all the time.  AH!  Favorite food, bear claw.  The laughs'll roll in later, but we set it up early.  Like "Aw, my stomach is all torn up by those bear claws" but it was just the food, and then we show his abs, for the gay guys.

I'm thinking 6 side characters total, we'll flesh it out.
 
2013-07-23 09:48:15 PM

Wall_of_Doodoo: Oh, and Kevin Sorbo as a major in the Core, add that then GENIUS!


Done.

staplermofo: Good, good.  Now, we're going to need substory arcs to develop the side characters.
Times are different now, we've gotta be more culturally sensitive and inclusive.  We're gonna need a muslim.  She's from the desert, the baywatchers aren't sure she's up to snuff, so she's always out to prove herself.  She learned to swim in the sand, she's incredibly strong, but our ways are foreign to her.  She'll keep trying to use idioms or pop culture references, but get them slightly wrong.  Like she'll say "By the beard of Allah, if Hoff catches us, he'll ply our goose."  We'll have the writers punch it up.  Also, she disapproves of our lax morals, and she's always eating this muslim food, loves it, but everybody else, they can't stand it.  It'll lighten things up.

We'll get an Australian, he's quite the lady's man, very smooth.  He's got the hots for the muslimette, but it's hot and cold.  Sometimes he goes for Pam.  He's funny, but his wife and daughter were eaten by a shark and bear respectively.  We don't find out right away, but we see a shark-tooth bear-claw necklace he's wearing all the time.  AH!  Favorite food, bear claw.  The laughs'll roll in later, but we set it up early.  Like "Aw, my stomach is all torn up by those bear claws" but it was just the food, and then we show his abs, for the gay guys.

I'm thinking 6 side characters total, we'll flesh it out.


We'll need a scene in which they are all stuck in an underwater cave with oxygen running out. HBO obviously, for the full frontal nudity. Ricci can play the muslim (what a tweest!) and OK we gotta include Jewel Staite.
 
2013-07-23 09:57:18 PM
The bearsharkwhales, they have bear's claws on their fins, cut the bikini tops.  They charge at the BSW, the BSW is charging at them, they knife the BSW in the face or stomach, but the fin goes between the boobs, cuts the bikini top.  The nudity is empowering, adds to the drama.  If it still looks bad we'll throw in some close calls for the guys followed by circumcision jokes to balance things out.
 
2013-07-23 11:00:13 PM
See, this...THIS is why I love Fark.
 
2013-07-23 11:38:11 PM
As lifeguards approached to pull a drowning Brazilian teenager from the water, she suffered a second, fatal misfortune -- a shark attack.

img849.imageshack.us
 
2013-07-23 11:56:44 PM

Wall_of_Doodoo: staplermofo: Good, good.  Now, we're going to need substory arcs to develop the side characters.
Times are different now, we've gotta be more culturally sensitive and inclusive.  We're gonna need a muslim.  She's from the desert, the baywatchers aren't sure she's up to snuff, so she's always out to prove herself.  She learned to swim in the sand, she's incredibly strong, but our ways are foreign to her.  She'll keep trying to use idioms or pop culture references, but get them slightly wrong.  Like she'll say "By the beard of Allah, if Hoff catches us, he'll ply our goose."  We'll have the writers punch it up.  Also, she disapproves of our lax morals, and she's always eating this muslim food, loves it, but everybody else, they can't stand it.  It'll lighten things up.

We'll get an Australian, he's quite the lady's man, very smooth.  He's got the hots for the muslimette, but it's hot and cold.  Sometimes he goes for Pam.  He's funny, but his wife and daughter were eaten by a shark and bear respectively.  We don't find out right away, but we see a shark-tooth bear-claw necklace he's wearing all the time.  AH!  Favorite food, bear claw.  The laughs'll roll in later, but we set it up early.  Like "Aw, my stomach is all torn up by those bear claws" but it was just the food, and then we show his abs, for the gay guys.

I'm thinking 6 side characters total, we'll flesh it out.

That's modern drama. Ya gotta constantly study it out, but think, Hasselhoff, Treat Williams, guest stars, bears, whales and sharks. SEX, bears, Sorbo, possible Barqs rootbeer product placement. Whalesharkbear monster hovercraft solved by Treat Williams and super sfoned Tempest Bledsoe will work out, add Kevin Sorbo and a sexually aggressive fax machine and Christina Ricci unshaven frontside and we've worked it out.


Except for one thing

i1.ytimg.com
 
2013-07-24 12:06:44 AM
Since 1992 only one other person died of shark bites at that beach. Some Farkers were not even born then.

It would be far more dangerous to go and play in Brazilian traffic than worry about goddamned sharks.
 
2013-07-24 12:09:12 AM
Team meeting!

Let's see if we can work Brazilian traffic into the show.  We're brainstorming and there are no bad ideas, but I think one of us should keep Kevin72 out of the marketing meetings.
/whisper
 
2013-07-24 12:19:47 AM
With special guest star: Ron Jeremy!
 
2013-07-24 01:01:20 AM
Poor girl. Just as the rescuers get to her a shark attacks. That bites!
 
2013-07-24 01:04:57 AM
I find the lack of Ian Ziering disappointing.
 
2013-07-24 05:21:06 AM

staplermofo: Team meeting!

Let's see if we can work Brazilian traffic into the show.  We're brainstorming and there are no bad ideas, but I think one of us should keep Kevin72 out of the marketing meetings.
/whisper


Can we work a white submersible Lotus Esprit into this?
 
2013-07-24 06:58:09 AM
"in the midst of the rescue, a shark attacked Gobbi's left leg, the secretariat said. "

That's a load of horse shiat.
 
2013-07-24 07:08:00 AM
I knew there was a reason I paid gym fees for a place that has a nice pool.

Srsly, the only salt water I swim in is a half olympic pool next to a hot water spa. I think of it as my reward for doing high intensity cardio training.
 
2013-07-24 07:08:14 AM
If SyFy does any of this I'm holding Fark responsible.
 
2013-07-24 07:08:51 AM
Holy crap y'all are awesome.

Syfy will be calling any minute now.
 
2013-07-24 07:09:16 AM
 whaleshark

thisisyourbrainonFark: That's modern drama. Ya gotta constantly study it out, but think, Hasselhoff, Treat Williams, guest stars, bears, whales and sharks. SEX, bears, Sorbo, possible Barqs rootbeer product placement. Whalesharkbear monster hovercraft solved by Treat Williams and super sfoned Tempest Bledsoe will work out, add Kevin Sorbo and a sexually aggressive fax machine and Christina Ricci unshaven frontside and we've worked it out.


Season three could end on a cliffhanger. Australian guy's hovercraft gets damaged and he ends up stranded on a deserted island with whaleshark, some beef jerky and only one shot in his flare pistol. After some Cast-Awayesque attempts to construct a raft that fails, he resigns himself to die on the island and he and Whaleshark have some deep heart to hearts.

Whaleshark reveals that he was the one who actually ate the Australian guy's family (we find out later, in season 4, that Whaleshark ate them because they were infected with ebola and he had to make a tough call to save millions of lives but the govt made him swear secrecy). Australian guy becomes enraged and breaks down in tears. At that moment a rescue plane flown by Christina Ricci and Treat Williams is flying overhead, desperately searching for Australian guy (Christina Ricci is pregnant with his child - he doesn't know).

Back on the island, Australian guy hears the plane flying overhead and stands at the water's edge, readying to fire the flare gun. Then, while facing away from the camera, he asks "Whaleshark, did you see Baywatch this morning?". Off-screen, Whaleshark says "Yes." Then Australian guy slowly turns and points the gun directly at the camera and then the scene freezes as the muzzle flash from the flare erupts from the flare. Fade to black.
 
2013-07-24 07:09:29 AM
Didn't take long for the comments on the CNN page to swim into derp territory.
 
2013-07-24 07:19:17 AM
The shark got a Brazilian.
 
2013-07-24 07:22:46 AM
FTA: "We knew there were risks of an attack, but I didn't think that it would happen in the shallow (water), but in the deep," the cousin said.

If you were in the shallow part, what was the drowning risk all about? Just stand up.
 
2013-07-24 07:45:23 AM

OhioUGrad: Didn't take long for the comments on the CNN page to swim into derp territory.


Have you been reading this thread?
 
2013-07-24 07:52:14 AM
smile like u mean it
 
2013-07-24 08:00:54 AM
An autopsy will be performed, Globo TV reported.

ME's office has time on it's hands evidently.
Or perhaps they have some Noob's they want to show what goes where.
 
2013-07-24 08:14:06 AM
I love you all.

Poor girl.

But I love you all.
 
2013-07-24 08:14:24 AM

KStDrew: The shark got a Brazilian.


That's a lot.
 
2013-07-24 08:37:41 AM
weknowmemes.com
 
2013-07-24 08:38:46 AM
I feel like I'm getting a contact high just reading what you guys wrote.
 
2013-07-24 08:41:36 AM
Does anyone know a TV producer who could make this happen?

Seriously, this thread had just generated enough ideas for the best worst TV show ever!

/god bless Fark and its twisted ways
 
2013-07-24 09:01:15 AM

CheetahOlivetti: With special guest star: Ron Jeremy!


And Boy George.
 
2013-07-24 09:05:36 AM
Is this because of global warming, George W Bush or both?
 
2013-07-24 09:10:46 AM
randommization.com
 
2013-07-24 09:11:49 AM
I'm having a difficult time picturing what an 18-year-old Brazillian girl at the beach looks like...
Anyone care to help out?
 
2013-07-24 09:24:16 AM
The same sharks that inhabit the waters of Recife also lurk in the waters off of Varadero, Cuba, but you never hear of attacks in Varadero.  Why?  Because the water there is crystal clear and sharks don't intentionally prey on humans.  They do this in Recife because the water is not clear and peeps are mistaken for seals.
 
2013-07-24 09:27:57 AM

Resident Muslim: I feel like I'm getting a contact high just reading what you guys wrote.


Just go with it, man...
 
2013-07-24 09:37:47 AM

theotherwhitemeat: The same sharks that inhabit the waters of Recife also lurk in the waters off of Varadero, Cuba, but you never hear of attacks in Varadero.  Why?  Because the water there is crystal clear and sharks don't intentionally prey on humans.  They do this in Recife because the water is not clear and peeps are mistaken for seals.


This is why I refuse to exercise. Let's face it, I'm not going to be fit enough for the shark to distinguish me from a seal. My only hope is to make the shark think I'm a walrus.
 
2013-07-24 09:44:34 AM

theotherwhitemeat: The same sharks that inhabit the waters of Recife also lurk in the waters off of Varadero, Cuba, but you never hear of attacks in Varadero.  Why?  Because the water there is crystal clear and sharks don't intentionally prey on humans.  They do this in Recife because the water is not clear and peeps are mistaken for seals.


It doesn't help when you flop around like injured prey, either.
 
2013-07-24 09:44:53 AM
Video of this has been up for a couple days now. All of the meat below the knee was gone except for her foot. They carried her for quite a while to get her off the beach for some reason instead of applying a tourniquet. She wasn't even bleeding when they set her down which probably wasn't a good thing.
 
2013-07-24 09:54:30 AM

my lip balm addiction: Poor girl. Just as the rescuers get to her a shark attacks. That bites!


Poor shark.  He had a meal all picked out and someone took her away.  That bites!
 
2013-07-24 10:08:04 AM

Wall_of_Doodoo: bdub77: staplermofo: Wall_of_Doodoo: These ideas would improve your idea because your idea was pretty good but it lacked Treat Williams and a bear.

You have to treat the franchise with respect.  We're going to have to do research.  If the Hoff, in a fit of rage over the team choosing whaleshark, causes an earthquake, dumping thousands of grizzly bears into the ocean, how many could bang a sharkwhale or whaleshark before dying?  You've gonna have to wait for the spawn to grow.  I mean, we could end season 1 with a foreboding shot of a bear, whale and shark in a torrid threesome in a nuclear reactor, but we'd better wait at least 6 months in the baywatch world before bearwhalesharks show up.  Treat Williams could maybe be a bear researcher, and that would explain how the baywatch team and Treat get together.  But we've gotta run a model on the breathholding and copulation speeds.  Maybe have the bears mid-coitus then just finish in a shark whale trio.  You have to respect the audience, and the franchise's integrity.

What about basically the spawn is some sort of half-shark half bear obviously with a strong tail fin for swimming but with bear feet so it could attack and move on land.

You could call it Bearwatch. Can we get David Duchovny as a hardnose investigator of the bearshark phenomenon? He's only got half an arm.

I think you need to build on seasons.
Season 1: We introduce the bearshark, beachgoers are protected by an elite group of fighters. End of season a hurricane pulls hundreds of pregnant bearsharks out of the oceans. One falls into a nuclear reactor and mutates, creating a super bearshark. Her spawn begins to hatch...

Season 2: The super bearsharks learn how to read and communicate at an exponential rate

Season 3: The bearsharks have begun to destroy humanity. They create a supervirus that wipes out most of humanity.

Season 4: The last remaining humans successfully develop robots to kill the super bearsharks, but is it too late?

Season 5: A squad o ...


In which season would be have Bearnado?
 
2013-07-24 10:09:25 AM
When no one was looking, the shark took fourty bites out of the swimmer. That's as many as four tens. And that's terrible.
 
2013-07-24 10:10:10 AM

xanadian: Resident Muslim: I feel like I'm getting a contact high just reading what you guys wrote.

Just go with it, man...


So, I should like, mellow out?

:)
 
Ley
2013-07-24 10:22:10 AM
Just in time for Shark Week.
 
2013-07-24 10:28:55 AM

The All-Powerful Atheismo: "in the midst of the rescue, a shark attacked Gobbi's left leg, the secretariat said. "

That's a load of horse shiat.


Holy crap!   A talking horse!

/of course, of course
 
2013-07-24 10:38:14 AM
You can cheat The Reaper
 
2013-07-24 11:03:20 AM

poonesfarm: As lifeguards approached to pull a drowning Brazilian teenager from the water, she suffered a second, fatal misfortune -- a shark attack.

[img849.imageshack.us image 500x335]


Still doesn't beat not surviving an airplane crash after the crash
 
Displayed 50 of 56 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »






Report