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(Huffington Post)   First was the KFC mashed potato licking employee. Then came the Taco Bell taco licker. I now give you the Subway 'puts his penis on the bread' guy. Foot-long jokes to the right   (huffingtonpost.com) divider line 103
    More: Sick, HuffPost Weird News, Subway, KFC, sandwich artists, chicken breasts, Taco Bell, luddite, pullman loaf  
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9245 clicks; posted to Main » on 22 Jul 2013 at 10:57 PM (39 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



103 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-07-22 08:20:39 PM
Because their meat wasn't real enough as it is
 
2013-07-22 08:21:19 PM
This is the only way Jared gets his protein.
 
2013-07-22 08:22:38 PM
Based on the size of the blurred area in the photo, he wasn't packing any foot-longs.
 
2013-07-22 08:23:23 PM
It's not pornography, it's sandwich art.
 
2013-07-22 08:35:38 PM
I saw that in the classic cinema film Bachelor Party.  Whatever happened to the lead in that, has he done anything else?
 
2013-07-22 08:36:52 PM
"I would never do that at work -- it was at home," he said. "This isn't something I'd ever do at Subway. It was totally a joke."

Yep.  He took home Subway dough, Subway bread baking pans, and even the cheese toppings that go on some of their breads and it was there, at home, that he put his penis on the dough.

Makes sense.  He is copping to stealing Subway food and property so he can get fired for that instead of getting fired for donging the bread at work.
 
2013-07-22 08:38:37 PM
At least now we know why their rolls are only 11 inches.
 
2013-07-22 08:38:54 PM
In an exclusive interview with HuffPost Weird News, Ian Jett copped to defiling the footlong, but denied doing the dirty deed at work.

"I would never do that at work -- it was at home," he said. "This isn't something I'd ever do at Subway. It was totally a joke."


img59.imageshack.us


 THEN WHY IS YOUR PENIS ON BREAD NEXT TO ANOTHER ROLL OF BREAD ON TOP OF THE PLASTIC SUBWAY USES TO STORE BREAD IN THE WARMING OVEN?  For the "realism" factor?

This guy must think the rest of the world is as stupid as he is.  I can't speak to the pee, I've never seen it frozen.  Could be Sunny D.
 
2013-07-22 08:40:12 PM

Wall_of_Doodoo: Personally, my favorite story like this is the one where that guy found out what kind of party he was at and stuck his dick in the mashed potatoes! Dude was a total freak freak!


Was it a side dish coitus party?  I had a girlfriend that had a thing for carrots is all.
 
2013-07-22 08:45:23 PM
This dude might as well go work for Quiznos because he is TOASTED.
 
2013-07-22 08:47:50 PM

PainInTheASP: This dude might as well go work for Quiznos because he is TOASTED.


Given his screen name is weedpriest, I'm gonna go ahead and assume that's a given.
 
2013-07-22 08:55:15 PM

Wall_of_Doodoo: Marcus Aurelius: Wall_of_Doodoo: Personally, my favorite story like this is the one where that guy found out what kind of party he was at and stuck his dick in the mashed potatoes! Dude was a total freak freak!

Was it a side dish coitus party?  I had a girlfriend that had a thing for carrots is all.

Dude, might have been, I had about three bottles of Blue Nun before it happened and all I remember was some dude showing up with some ill vinyl with some grooves so rare, they had the rhymes that we were all doo doo.


I bet you mixed it with Asti Spumanti.

Never mix Blue Nun with Asti Spumantei.

/it's the bubbles
 
2013-07-22 08:59:15 PM
Everybody wang buns tonight!
Everybody have fun tonight!
 
2013-07-22 09:09:08 PM

DarkLancelot: I saw that in the classic cinema film Bachelor Party.  Whatever happened to the lead in that, has he done anything else?


farm8.staticflickr.com
 
2013-07-22 09:54:56 PM
If this bothers you, you *really* don't want to know the kind of shiat that has been going on in fast food establishments for at least the past 30 years.
 
2013-07-22 09:57:05 PM
I have the weirdest boner right now.
 
2013-07-22 10:22:20 PM
FTFA: It was posted on Instagram by username "weedpriest"


i.imgur.com
 
2013-07-22 10:26:14 PM
You pay them peanuts, and you're gonna get wieners.
 
2013-07-22 11:03:18 PM
The new $5 bill is incrusted with a mushroom stamp. It's illegal tender you'll learn to love.
 
2013-07-22 11:05:09 PM
Hold the mayo.
 
2013-07-22 11:05:33 PM
It is almost like corporate food manufacturers need responsible adult people on premises. Imagine that.
 
2013-07-22 11:07:52 PM
I've driven by that Subway a few times. It's located over by Tuttle Mall connected to a gas station.

I'm glad I don't eat at Subway anymore. Yuk.
 
2013-07-22 11:08:36 PM
No different than any other Subway sandwich -- it's mostly bread.
 
2013-07-22 11:09:19 PM
Don't order the peperoni.
 
2013-07-22 11:10:12 PM

Lsherm: In an exclusive interview with HuffPost Weird News, Ian Jett copped to defiling the footlong, but denied doing the dirty deed at work.

"I would never do that at work -- it was at home," he said. "This isn't something I'd ever do at Subway. It was totally a joke."

[img59.imageshack.us image 570x500]


 THEN WHY IS YOUR PENIS ON BREAD NEXT TO ANOTHER ROLL OF BREAD ON TOP OF THE PLASTIC SUBWAY USES TO STORE BREAD IN THE WARMING OVEN?  For the "realism" factor?

This guy must think the rest of the world is as stupid as he is.  I can't speak to the pee, I've never seen it frozen.  Could be Sunny D.


Exactly.

I worked a Subway in HS.  The bread comes frozen in sticks, exactly the size of bread sticks you get at Pizza Hut.  They go on those rubber forms, which hold 12 loaves IIRC, which go in the "proofer" where the bread thaws then rises.  The bread in the pic isn't baked yet; it's right out of the Proofer. If you leave it out for more than a few minutes, it'll collapse.  No way he could have done this at home.

I hope the DB goes to jail.

For the record, I never, ever farked with the food, and never saw anyone else either.  Yeah, we got drunk and high because the owner was never around, but the food prep and handling was always immaculate.
 
2013-07-22 11:11:40 PM
If this gonna be that kinda party, I'm gonna stick my d*ck in the mashed potatoes.
 
2013-07-22 11:11:46 PM
So much for test marketing the new Smegma Flavored™ Subway Bun -- "Not quite cheese and not quite meat."

Geez, Harry Potter had more flavors in his Bertie Bott's Beans.
 
2013-07-22 11:12:22 PM
Subway serves vienna sausages?
 
2013-07-22 11:13:38 PM
Why am I never lucky enough to get a penis bread sub?  It's like God hates me.  I beg to get penis bread, and yet it goes to someone who takes it for granted, who probably doesn't even want penis bread.  It's like all those thankless prudes who whine and complain to the police when some naked dude shows them his genetalia.  If there were any justice in the universe, I'd get a freebie like that once in awhile.
 
2013-07-22 11:16:37 PM
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2013-07-22 11:19:13 PM
Why is it you never hear about women rubbing people's food in their vaginas...  Not that I want that to happen, but it does seem to be a strictly male behavior (and food porn doesn't count).  Someone is free to prove me wrong though.
 
2013-07-22 11:42:40 PM
He's only a beginner...cut him a break. He has yet to grasp the penetration phase, let alone the addition of the extra sauce. When he gets to that level he will surely be ready for US Navy carrier duty. Or perhaps the Olive Garden.
 
2013-07-22 11:43:47 PM

PillsHere: Why is it you never hear about women rubbing people's food in their vaginas...  Not that I want that to happen, but it does seem to be a strictly male behavior (and food porn doesn't count).  Someone is free to prove me wrong though.


Yeast infections?
 
2013-07-22 11:48:47 PM
memecrunch.com
 
2013-07-22 11:49:37 PM
It was inevitable.  As soon as Subway started using the lame term "Sandwich Artist" (it's even trademarked dagnabbit), it was only a matter of time before an "artist" decided to go into the post-modernist abstract era and just slap his penis on his canvas.  Buncha hipsters.
 
2013-07-22 11:52:53 PM
♫ Five... ♫
♫ Five Dollar... ♫
♫ Five Dollar Foreskin ♫
 
2013-07-22 11:52:53 PM

AdolfOliverPanties: "I would never do that at work -- it was at home," he said. "This isn't something I'd ever do at Subway. It was totally a joke."

Yep.  He took home Subway dough, Subway bread baking pans, and even the cheese toppings that go on some of their breads and it was there, at home, that he put his penis on the dough.

Makes sense.  He is copping to stealing Subway food and property so he can get fired for that instead of getting fired for donging the bread at work.


Exactly. It's pretty obvious that's unbaked bread.
 
2013-07-22 11:52:57 PM
 
2013-07-23 12:00:11 AM

bearded clamorer: ♫ Five... ♫
♫ Five Dollar... ♫
♫ Five Dollar Foreskin small schlong ♫


FTFY
 
2013-07-23 12:09:04 AM

miss diminutive: Based on the size of the blurred area in the photo, he wasn't packing any foot-longs.


neither is subway
 
2013-07-23 12:11:30 AM

NASAM: Lsherm: In an exclusive interview with HuffPost Weird News, Ian Jett copped to defiling the footlong, but denied doing the dirty deed at work.

"I would never do that at work -- it was at home," he said. "This isn't something I'd ever do at Subway. It was totally a joke."

[img59.imageshack.us image 570x500]


 THEN WHY IS YOUR PENIS ON BREAD NEXT TO ANOTHER ROLL OF BREAD ON TOP OF THE PLASTIC SUBWAY USES TO STORE BREAD IN THE WARMING OVEN?  For the "realism" factor?

This guy must think the rest of the world is as stupid as he is.  I can't speak to the pee, I've never seen it frozen.  Could be Sunny D.

Exactly.

I worked a Subway in HS.  The bread comes frozen in sticks, exactly the size of bread sticks you get at Pizza Hut.  They go on those rubber forms, which hold 12 loaves IIRC, which go in the "proofer" where the bread thaws then rises.  The bread in the pic isn't baked yet; it's right out of the Proofer. If you leave it out for more than a few minutes, it'll collapse.  No way he could have done this at home.

I hope the DB goes to jail.

For the record, I never, ever farked with the food, and never saw anyone else either.  Yeah, we got drunk and high because the owner was never around, but the food prep and handling was always immaculate.


This. Even if the customer is a complete douchebag I never ever farked with the food. People who do that kind of thing piss me off.
 
2013-07-23 12:15:07 AM
How is this an issue?
It's like marking your territory. First thing I did when I moved into my new home, I whipped it out and rubbed it on everything. I mean who doesn't do that?
 
2013-07-23 12:15:28 AM
 
2013-07-23 12:15:31 AM
I wonder what's worse: being investigated by government officials for doing something vile at work, or now forever having your name on the internet and associated with behavior that will probably prevent you from ever getting a decent job. These two guys are Grade A Idiots because a simple Google Search by any hiring manager will always turn up this story.
 
2013-07-23 12:17:48 AM
I hate people.
 
2013-07-23 12:28:07 AM

skinink: I wonder what's worse: being investigated by government officials for doing something vile at work, or now forever having your name on the internet and associated with behavior that will probably prevent you from ever getting a decent job. These two guys are Grade A Idiots because a simple Google Search by any hiring manager will always turn up this story.


Yup.
 
2013-07-23 12:28:26 AM

RealAmericanHero: I hate people.


farm4.staticflickr.com
 
2013-07-23 12:35:33 AM
And it's uncooked... Chance for yeast infection? Head cheese?
 
2013-07-23 12:39:40 AM
more like the $5 3-inches, am I right?
 
2013-07-23 12:39:58 AM
You get what you pay for, Fatty.  Either enjoy your spittle lettuce and taint turkey sandwich on dick bread, or shut up and make your own sandwich.
 
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