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(Cracked)   So wait, World War III almost actually happened?   (cracked.com) divider line 86
    More: Scary, World War III, Joseph Stalin, West Berlin, tactical nuclear weapon, pre-emptive strike, big red button, Geography of Mexico, military aviation  
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24989 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Jul 2013 at 5:07 PM (39 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-07-17 05:09:30 PM
Nope.
 
2013-07-17 05:09:52 PM
Probably any number of times. That's one of the problems with making war a push button option
 
2013-07-17 05:11:51 PM
The fact that you are alive today is likely due in no small part to this man

www.brightstarsound.com
 
2013-07-17 05:12:34 PM
It's probably almost happening every damn day, these days
 
2013-07-17 05:14:28 PM
All that tripe and not a single mention of Cuban Missile Crisis? article BIG FAIL!!
 
2013-07-17 05:14:45 PM
Meh, fails without Kennedy nearly blowing us all to kingdom come.
 
2013-07-17 05:15:12 PM
Wow, no mention of Able Archer?
 
2013-07-17 05:15:13 PM

Snapper Carr: The fact that you are alive today is likely due in no small part to this man

[www.brightstarsound.com image 553x372]


Is that the iron-balls Russian dude who kept telling everyone to calm the fark down and not press any goddamned buttons?
 
2013-07-17 05:15:20 PM

SuperNinjaToad: All that tripe and not a single mention of Cuban Missile Crisis? article BIG FAIL!!


*shakes tiny fist*
 
2013-07-17 05:16:39 PM

Rwa2play: Wow, no mention of Able Archer?


Was that the one where we were doing a war games thingy; and the Russians thought it was for reals this time and nearly destroyed us all?
 
2013-07-17 05:18:45 PM

iheartscotch: Rwa2play: Wow, no mention of Able Archer?

Was that the one where we were doing a war games thingy; and the Russians thought it was for reals this time and nearly destroyed us all?


thescoopblog.dallasnews.com
 
2013-07-17 05:19:18 PM
I knew all of them but #2, also no mention of Able Archer or Cuban Missile?
 
2013-07-17 05:21:39 PM

Oldiron_79: Able Archer or Cuban Missile?


I guess it's more like "large variations in conventional wars that could have happened" and not just "times the world came close to M.A.D. and destruction in an hour or less."
 
2013-07-17 05:21:53 PM

ArcadianRefugee: Snapper Carr: The fact that you are alive today is likely due in no small part to this man

[www.brightstarsound.com image 553x372]

Is that the iron-balls Russian dude who kept telling everyone to calm the fark down and not press any goddamned buttons?


Stanislav Petrov

"On September 26, 1983, he was the duty officer at the command center for the Oko nuclear early-warning system when the system reported a missile being launched from the United States. Petrov judged that the report was a false alarm."
 
2013-07-17 05:23:48 PM

WeenerGord: iheartscotch: Rwa2play: Wow, no mention of Able Archer?

Was that the one where we were doing a war games thingy; and the Russians thought it was for reals this time and nearly destroyed us all?

[thescoopblog.dallasnews.com image 850x478]


I just watched this the over night. Still really goddamn god, and holy hell Tracy Reed is FINE for the three minutes or so she's in the movie
 
2013-07-17 05:24:09 PM
Not surprised to see Stalin on that list. I remember reading somewhere that he became crazier than a fruitcake in a fruit of the loom commercial near the end of his life.
 
2013-07-17 05:24:55 PM
I can't stop chuckling about the visitors switching off the Minuteman missiles ... as if to say 'Naw, you ain't takin' this turn.

/On the Sukabumi highway - can't do kinky-linky.
 
2013-07-17 05:26:58 PM
Didn't rtfa.

Was this about the Trayvon Martin riots?
 
2013-07-17 05:29:38 PM

SuperNinjaToad: All that tripe and not a single mention of Cuban Missile Crisis? article BIG FAIL!!


The article is 'Won't believe almost happened.' I think almost everyone knows the Cuban Missile Crisis almost caused World War 3.

And if they don't, this article wasn't going to change that.
 
2013-07-17 05:29:47 PM
Congrats cracked writer. You just read my 6th grade history book.

We're all so proud.
 
2013-07-17 05:31:34 PM

miss diminutive: Not surprised to see Stalin on that list. I remember reading somewhere that he became crazier than a fruitcake in a fruit of the loom commercial near the end of his life.


The part about Soviet troops being "no joke" was somewhat true. It wasn't that they were particularly effective, but that they were willing to take a MILLION casualties and seemingly didn't give a fark.
 
2013-07-17 05:32:17 PM
The Napoleonic wars were effectively a world war so, in my opinion, WWII was WWIII.
 
2013-07-17 05:32:27 PM

dukeblue219: Oldiron_79: Able Archer or Cuban Missile?

I guess it's more like "large variations in conventional wars that could have happened" and not just "times the world came close to M.A.D. and destruction in an hour or less."


While we're attacking frontally,
Watch Brinkley and Huntley,
Describing contrapuntally
The cities we have lost.
No need for you to miss a minute
Of the agonizing holocaust. (Yeah!)
 
2013-07-17 05:36:12 PM
Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time.
 
2013-07-17 05:37:46 PM

red5ish: The Napoleonic wars were effectively a world war so, in my opinion, WWII was WWIII.


And if we're talking almosts, the US civil war was nearly a world war, so the things in this article are at the least not-world war 5.
 
2013-07-17 05:39:11 PM
You know there are a lot of alternate history books but rarely does anyone really get into the China vs the USSR.  That would probably be an interesting match though.
 
2013-07-17 05:45:20 PM
Close only counts in horseshoes.
 
2013-07-17 05:47:19 PM

miss diminutive: Not surprised to see Stalin on that list. I remember reading somewhere that he became crazier than a fruitcake in a fruit of the loom commercial near the end of his life.


He was insistent that his doctors were part of a U.S.-Jewish conspiracy to assassinate him. It was the beginning of a purge in 1952 which the ultimate goal was to imprison and kill his closest advisors and survivors of the 1937 purge (Molotov, Mikoyan, Beria and Khruschev). Then he had a heart attack and they had to pull his doctor out of prison to treat him.

Then he had a stroke and everyone left him alone on the floor of his abandoned house for like 36 hours until they were sure he was dead.
 
2013-07-17 05:51:33 PM

miss diminutive: Not surprised to see Stalin on that list. I remember reading somewhere that he became crazier than a fruitcake in a fruit of the loom commercial near the end of his life.


1:  Russia hasn't started war in Europe with anyone west of Poland in forever*...except maybe Sweden in 1700, but Russia, Sweden and Poland all were busy fighting each other for a long time, so it's hard to tell.

2:  Russia hasn't started a war with China in longer-than-forever, unless you count fighting to get the Mongols off your front steppe as 'starting a war'.

Both Russia and China have had lots of murderously insane tyrants, but they most of that insanity gets vented on their own population rather than big badass foreign powers...which is not so insane at all.

*...unless you think Russia's mobilization rather than Austria-Hungary's ridiculous ultimatum to Serbia started WW I.
 
2013-07-17 05:54:36 PM

BlackMtnMan: Close only counts in horseshoes.*


*And hand grenades. (This is a war thread, after all).
 
2013-07-17 05:55:15 PM
Subby was born after the eighties, I take it...
 
2013-07-17 05:55:32 PM
Gergesa: You know there are a lot of alternate history books but rarely does anyone really get into the China vs the USSR.  That would probably be an interesting match though.

Nixon doing something good and heroic is almost oxymoronic but I hear afterwords he was quoted as saying "Its too late for me my son"
 
2013-07-17 05:55:49 PM

Ned Stark: red5ish: The Napoleonic wars were effectively a world war so, in my opinion, WWII was WWIII.

And if we're talking almosts, the US civil war was nearly a world war, so the things in this article are at the least not-world war 5.


Involved in the Seven Years War

upload.wikimedia.org

Looks pretty world war-ish.
 
2013-07-17 05:56:28 PM
The #1 item on that list was the "Trent Affair" - Harry Harrison wrote a particularly preposterous alternate history trilogy (Stars and Stripes") based on Prince Albert dying instead of helping resolve the diplomatic dispute and the British entering the war on the side of the Confederacy.  The story goes on that the British accidentally raid and pillage a Confederate city, causing the Union and the outraged Confederacy to join forces and go to war with Great Britain.  Since the combined forces, with their ironclad ships, were arguably the most formidable military force in the world at that time, Harrison managed to drag this out for three books.
 
2013-07-17 05:56:49 PM

DirtyDeadGhostofEbenezerCooke: *...unless you think Russia's mobilization rather than Austria-Hungary's ridiculous ultimatum to Serbia started WW I.


You mean you don't?

/learned all my Russian history from Fiddler on the Roof and that Rasputin song
 
2013-07-17 05:57:44 PM

DirtyDeadGhostofEbenezerCooke: Mongols off your front steppe


What you did there, I see it.
 
2013-07-17 06:04:22 PM

DirtyDeadGhostofEbenezerCooke: miss diminutive: Not surprised to see Stalin on that list. I remember reading somewhere that he became crazier than a fruitcake in a fruit of the loom commercial near the end of his life.

1:  Russia hasn't started war in Europe with anyone west of Poland in forever*...except maybe Sweden in 1700, but Russia, Sweden and Poland all were busy fighting each other for a long time, so it's hard to tell.

2:  Russia hasn't started a war with China in longer-than-forever, unless you count fighting to get the Mongols off your front steppe as 'starting a war'.


3. Russia was busy for those few hundred years trying to conquer a little country to the south known as Turkey.

C'mon, don't white knight anyone whose title was 'Czar'.
 
2013-07-17 06:05:20 PM
DirtyDeadGhostofEbenezerCooke:

*...unless you think Russia's mobilization rather than Austria-Hungary's ridiculous ultimatum to Serbia started WW I.

Well I'd consider assassinating your crown prince to be legitimate Causus belli with no ultimatums rediculous or otherwise necessary, so basically Austria had every reason to invade and kill all the serbs it wanted to and Russia had no real right to be involved in any way shape or form.

Then treaties and alliances drag Germany, France, Britain, etc into it and you have the blood bath that was WWI
 
2013-07-17 06:18:16 PM
Oldiron_79:

Well I'd consider assassinating your crown prince to be legitimate Causus belli with no ultimatums rediculous or otherwise necessary,

Teh heck? Isn't there a requirement that the Serbian government be somehow involved in the assassination?
 
2013-07-17 06:22:17 PM

DirtyDeadGhostofEbenezerCooke: 1: Russia hasn't started war in Europe with anyone west of Poland in forever*...except maybe Sweden in 1700, but Russia, Sweden and Poland all were busy fighting each other for a long time, so it's hard to tell.


You want us to forget Poland?
 
2013-07-17 06:22:25 PM

Rwa2play: Wow, no mention of Able Archer?


cdn3.whatculture.com

Declined to comment, maintains his innocence.
 
2013-07-17 06:28:35 PM

miss diminutive: DirtyDeadGhostofEbenezerCooke: *...unless you think Russia's mobilization rather than Austria-Hungary's ridiculous ultimatum to Serbia started WW I.

You mean you don't?

/learned all my Russian history from Fiddler on the Roof and that Rasputin song


If so, I guess it taught the Romanovs that some rules shouldn't be broken even once.

Oldiron_79: Well I'd consider assassinating your crown prince to be legitimate Causus belli with no ultimatums rediculous or otherwise necessary, so basically Austria had every reason to invade and kill all the serbs it wanted to and Russia had no real right to be involved in any way shape or form.

Then treaties and alliances drag Germany, France, Britain, etc into it and you have the blood bath that was WWI


Illegitimate Austrian-Hungarian Balkan-grabbing is why the crown prince was in Sarajevo to get shot.  So, no, Austria didn't have every reason to invade.  They were a wrecked Hapsburg residue pretending to still be THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE! and farking it up.  After that, they gave us Hitler.

F*ck Austria.
 
2013-07-17 06:29:08 PM

OnlyM3: Congrats cracked writer. You just read my 6th grade history book.

We're all so proud.


My history books all stopped at Reconstruction. AP US History teacher in high school said it was a policy by the school district as anything more recent would cause embarrassment to existing institutions both government and private.
 
2013-07-17 06:29:23 PM
List fail!

www.changinggears.info
 
2013-07-17 06:29:48 PM

Treygreen13: DirtyDeadGhostofEbenezerCooke: Mongols off your front steppe

What you did there, I see it.


What about your shiatty wall?
 
2013-07-17 06:33:10 PM
Is the War Nerd writing for Cracked now? Reads like his old stuff in the eXile
 
2013-07-17 06:37:58 PM

Darth Macho: DirtyDeadGhostofEbenezerCooke: miss diminutive: Not surprised to see Stalin on that list. I remember reading somewhere that he became crazier than a fruitcake in a fruit of the loom commercial near the end of his life.

1:  Russia hasn't started war in Europe with anyone west of Poland in forever*...except maybe Sweden in 1700, but Russia, Sweden and Poland all were busy fighting each other for a long time, so it's hard to tell.

2:  Russia hasn't started a war with China in longer-than-forever, unless you count fighting to get the Mongols off your front steppe as 'starting a war'.

3. Russia was busy for those few hundred years trying to conquer a little country to the south known as Turkey.

C'mon, don't white knight anyone whose title was 'Czar'.


They just wanted something to prop their feet up on!  Lazy Boy was mysterious western science to them.
 
2013-07-17 06:38:20 PM
llco.org
 
2013-07-17 06:42:26 PM
slimfast: [llco.org image 300x369]

Well if the South had won I could picture America ending up at war with itself again about the time WWI broke out in Europe. Lord knows how much blood shed and devastated cities  would have resulted from a WWI trench war on US soil.
 
2013-07-17 06:43:16 PM

slimfast: [llco.org image 300x369]


Harry Turtledove did it better
 
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