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(The Iowa Republican)   Republican Iowa Senate hopeful says, if elected, "he would invite New York Senator Chuck Schumer to lunch so that he could share the good news of Jesus Christ"   (theiowarepublican.com) divider line 30
    More: Hero, Iowa Senate, New York Senator Chuck Schumer, Iowa, Republican, Jesus Christ, Cedar Rapids, Fundamentalist Christianity, Linn County  
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1734 clicks; posted to Politics » on 17 Jul 2013 at 1:46 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Smartest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-07-17 03:58:18 PM  
4 votes:

jaerik: I never really understood this expression.

"Hey, do I ever have good news for you!  You probably didn't know this, but you're doomed to burn in hell fire for all eternity due to actions you didn't know were wrong and you were programmed to inexorably want to do anyway!  In fact, there's basically nothing you can do to completely avoid the actions that will result in your eternal punishment, as mankind is flawed from the start.  But hey, if you join our group and beg, plead, and donate money in a desperate bid for forgiveness for your ongoing and inescapable humanity, you might have a decent chance of getting out of it."

Good news, indeed.


To be fair, technically the actual theological situation is more like, this, in three short acts and a long one, explaining why there's a culture war instead of mutual evolution toward shared goals between secular and religious folk:

*man is farked*

Man: Jesus farking Christ, I am totally doomed for these sins, and it's so much in my nature to keep sinning that I just can't stop.

Jesus F. Christ: Don't worry about it, bro.  Dad takes it easy on me, so I told him I'd take your knocks for you.

*man accepts Jesus' total bro move*

Man: Wow, thanks, Jesus, that was really cool of you.  You need anything?

Jesus F. Christ: Well, technically it was just a favor, man.  We're cool.  It'd be nice if you'd pay it forward, though, y'know?  I'm the man aspect, can only help people chill out in one place at a time.  I've got a club going too if you want.

Man: I have to join a club?

Jesus: No, but the pushy bast-- uh, noble followers of my legacy would sure appreciate it.

SITUATION 1:

Man: OK, cool, sign me up.  What do I need to do?

Pope: Well, first, make sure that Africa is swamped with AIDS by any means possible.  Then, keep all your women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen at all times...

*man is SAVED, but also a DOUCHE*

SITUATION 2:

Man: Eh... not really a joiner, y'know?

Jesus F. Christ: Eh, it's cool I guess.  Just don't be a dick and check in occasionally, let my guys know what kind of punishment I'm gonna be retroactively absorbing and so on.

Man: ... k.

*man doesn't actually do anything but confess or reaffirm occasionally.  man is still SAVED but is also SHOT TO DEATH in the next inevitable Christian factional squabble for not being as holy as thou*

SITUATION 3:

Man: What?  No.  You can't just take responsibility for someone else's shiat.  We're not children anymore, bro-- look, fire mastered, agriculture, all sorts of stuff.

Jesus: Yeah, but you still occasionally do things like sleeping with other men, which an abomination and shiat.

Man: ... you know what?  I'm an adult, I don't really need your dad watching over my penis constantly.  Thanks but no thanks, K?

*man is NOT SAVED, but is an ACTUAL FUNCTIONAL ADULT capable of making VALID MORAL DECISIONS without imminent threat of bodily/soulily harm forcing him into it*

Man: Thanks for helping me think through all that, though, man.  You are a valuable cultural referent on the road to true acceptance of our inadvertent role as the planet's caretakers.  Even as I leave you, I take much of the core of your mythology and the most basic form of your message with me into true enlightenment and progress.

Jesus F. Christ: Wow.  All right, I guess.  I don't know how my club will take it, though.

Man: I dunno, it's actually pretty logical, and the idea keeps the good elements of our past while allowing for actual social and mental progress.  It should be easy enough to expl--

*man is BURNED AS A HERETIC for 1500 YEARS because christians are allergic to BASIC GODDAMNED COMMON SENSE*

God: Wait, when did I damn common sense?

Man: Uh, I'd put bookmarks in for you, but how about I just print the entire old testament and the epistles on highlighter-colored paper for you?

God: Oh... heh.  Oops.  So, heard of this cool thing called steam power?  Hero of Alexandria came up with it but never --

*man immediately makes something actually useful out of steam and mechanics, then starts the AGE OF REASON and grows in power and number so the christians CANT ARBITRARILY MURDER HIM for BEING SENSIBLE*

Jesus: Man, that looked rough.  Good one, man.

Man: No offense, but Jesus farking Christ that was a shiat millennium.

Jesus: Sorry bro.

Man: Eh, it's cool.  I'm just... kinda mad over all the being murdered, kinda rethinking the whole "valuable cultural heritage" thing.  And look, now they're trying to sabotage all the totally awesome moves I just pulled and bring back the dark ages.

Jesus: In all fairness, 'dark ages' isn't really--

Man: People worshipping you burned my big workshop library in Alexandria, along with like 90% of my notes.  Twice.  Then let another bunch do it a third time.

Jesus: Well, technically that wasn't this group that worshipped me, it was this other group that worships me in a slightly less fervent--

Man: And your 'true church' guys in Europe specifically destroyed academic texts and even all the poetry major crap except a few bits of pop culture readily recontextualized as Christian or so pervasive at every level of society it literally couldn't be removed.  They had a special hatred of engineering and science, if I'm recalling.

Jesus: Well, they preserved--

Man: And then they added insult to injury by repeatedly and loudly claiming to preserve 'all the important stuff'.  I mean really?  Tacitus?  The TMZ of Rome?  But not how to make Goddamned concrete to preserve the basic logistics of civilization?

God: Sorry, I was kind of on a roll that day.

Jesus: Shut up, Dad, I'm trying to convert here.

Man: Seriously, I'm starting to think we'd all be better off without you.

*man is lynched, burned, and stabbed repeatedly for Atheism for another century*

Man: Goddammit, seriously?

God: Actually, with you on that one, those that do violence in my name shall burn in the lake of fire for eternity.

Man: Wait, isn't that the muslim terminology for it?

God: I'm the Gaiafarking personification of the collective forces of nature and history, do you really think I keep track of the stupid shiat my son's idiot followers get up to?

Man: Sigh, fine.  Buck passed or whatever.  Now excuse me as I craft this constitutional republic as a final 'fark off' to your stupid, stupid influence whose value assessment I've now had stabbed out of me completely.  I mean, I wanted to keep you around for sentiment, but it's achingly clear that you're not actually a thing, or at least personification is an inaccurate way to characterize the set of forces you represent.

Jesus: Oh nooooooooooo

God: Shut up, JFC.  I've been telling the scientists this since like negative 500 CE, if I had emotions I'd frankly be glad someone's caught on.  Good luck with your "protecting yourself from stupid" idea, kid.  Because I made it REALLY, REALLY difficult.

Man: No kidding.

*man finally gets some atheists elected to things in the first word*

*first atheist regime is idealistic, follows up an awesome Lenin with a... not so awesome Stalin.*


Man: fark.  Drawing board.

Jesus F Christ: You knoooow, my system is actually known to be quite staaaaable.

Man: Oh, stabilizing in the plague years with the rational people eternally on fire.  Thanks, but no.  Maybe the US again?  They were looking OK until the cold war drove them crazy.

Jesus: Look, man, I forgive you your straying.  Just come back, it's not like you'll ever convince anyone that sleeping with another man is OK at this point, or that the tale of the sons of Abraham isn't a literal warning to avoid race mixing... wait, they what?  And then they what?

*man GRINS SMUGLY, mostly because he's somehow NOT ON FIRE this time despite people SETTLING THEIR differences through PROTEST MOVEMENTS rather than the traditional Christian CASUAL MURDER*

Man: All right, I put up with this shiat for almost two millennia and you did absolutely nothing to save anything but my "soul", which God is now telling me isn't a thing that exists anyway.  I'm done with your passive-aggressive murdery shiat, I'm making history all about uncovering what actually happened instead of accepting religious sources as legit now.  See ya.

Jesus:  WHAT?  You can't fire me!  You need me!  Peace on earth, bro!  Peace on earth!

Man: According to my notes, we didn't start making progress on that until your club sank into the cultural background noise and lost direct influence over politics.  Numbers don't lie.

Jesus: Pft.  What do numbers really mean, anyhow?

God: Um... they're another way to describe, how do I say this... the total of the natural forces of the universe?

Jesus: OH MY GOD DAD WHY ARE YOU TAKING HIS SIDE I HATE YOU

Man: Hey, look at that, when I decided to let gay people in on marriage, barely anyone even cared, there weren't even the massive peaceful protests like for black suffrage, much less the firebombings for labor rights.  Jesus Christ, I think it's time you gave up.

Jesus: No!  I'm taking back your government, bringing back the dark ages!  I died for you, bro, you owe me!

*man looks at Jesus with a vague expression of DISBELIEF, the scars of being BURNED, SHOT, AND STABBED TO DEATH literally hundreds of thousands of times by CHRISTIANS showing clearly on his body*

Man: Ohh, you died once, for imaginary sins.  How horrible for you, that's even worse than dying a million times as a sacrifice along the gradual, painful road of self-improvement.  One death, rewarded instantly with becoming an all-powerful Superman.  Reeeeeeeally rough one.

Jesus: fark you, man.

Man: No, Jesus.  It's time you got out of my house, you're not welcome any more.  You can have time to pack your stuff, but you don't get a say in policy and education anymore.  Seriously, let go of that, I made it in the first place, leave it alone.

Jesus: NO!  MINE!

Man: Dude, I crafted this education system and secular government from scratch, fighting you every step.  We had some good times, but take your blatantly inferior copycat educational institutions and church hierarchy and find your own damned space.  I'm trying to be reasonable about this but--

Jesus: MINE!

Man: Jesus Christ, you're breaking it!  For the love of god, quit it, that took me five centuries to build!

Jesus: MINE!  BAN ABORTION FIX OLD NO NEW!

Man: Well that went downhill fast.

*man reluctantly goes out back for his SHOTGUN.  as he moves back into the house, the THEME FROM OLD YELLER plays mournfully in the background*

*fin*


//God: TL; DR
//Me: well, that kind of got out of hand
2013-07-17 11:11:27 AM  
4 votes:
So wait, Jews in Israel means the GOP sucks their cocks, but Jews in America means "CONVERT OR ELSE, JESUS HATING BASTARD!"

Ok, got it.
2013-07-17 02:41:31 PM  
2 votes:
I have really had it with the hubris of Christians who believe that's the only reason I am not a Christian is because it has not been explained to me well enough or by the right person. I'm not stupid. I've heard the news.... I've researched the news... i've rejected the good news.

Now go away.
2013-07-17 02:32:46 PM  
2 votes:
Christ, what an asshole.
2013-07-17 04:38:34 PM  
1 votes:

jcooli09: I don't get the hero tag.


When the derp is too much for the dumbass tag to hold, a hero is summoned to take its place.
2013-07-17 02:38:12 PM  
1 votes:

Bill_Wick's_Friend: Hey Eric Cantor -

THIS is what you're in bed with.  In the eyes of your "buddies" you will always be a second-class citizen, stained with the guilt of Christ's murder.  How foolish must you be to think that with all their hateful rhetoric against gays, blacks, muslims, atheists and immigrants that they somehow forgot about Jews?  You're on that list, buddy, and you always will be.


Honestly, when they talk about "Hollywood and New York elites," who do you think they're talking about?
2013-07-17 02:34:22 PM  
1 votes:
I never really understood this expression.

"Hey, do I ever have good news for you!  You probably didn't know this, but you're doomed to burn in hell fire for all eternity due to actions you didn't know were wrong and you were programmed to inexorably want to do anyway!  In fact, there's basically nothing you can do to completely avoid the actions that will result in your eternal punishment, as mankind is flawed from the start.  But hey, if you join our group and beg, plead, and donate money in a desperate bid for forgiveness for your ongoing and inescapable humanity, you might have a decent chance of getting out of it."

Good news, indeed.
2013-07-17 02:31:12 PM  
1 votes:
This is why the rest of us can't stand you assholes.
2013-07-17 02:19:27 PM  
1 votes:
Hey Eric Cantor -

THIS is what you're in bed with.  In the eyes of your "buddies" you will always be a second-class citizen, stained with the guilt of Christ's murder.  How foolish must you be to think that with all their hateful rhetoric against gays, blacks, muslims, atheists and immigrants that they somehow forgot about Jews?  You're on that list, buddy, and you always will be.
2013-07-17 02:12:48 PM  
1 votes:

jcooli09: I don't get the hero tag.


'Hey, come into the thread and bump traffic!'
2013-07-17 02:04:36 PM  
1 votes:
Does Jesus really qualify as "news" anymore?
2013-07-17 02:02:05 PM  
1 votes:

markie_farkie: So wait, Jews in Israel means the GOP sucks their cocks, but Jews in America means "CONVERT OR ELSE, JESUS HATING BASTARD!"

Ok, got it.


Turns out that there is more than one religious opinion about the status of Jewish people and what they should do, and most of those views are represented among members of the Republican party.  All of them are offensive out of context, but so are most religious doctrines.

/the more you know
2013-07-17 01:57:44 PM  
1 votes:

sigdiamond2000: Everyone in the room knew that "the brotherhood" was code for the gang of moderate senators who seek compromise instead of advancing a conservative agenda in the Senate. While Young said coming back to Iowa every weekend will keep him grounded, Clovis stated that there's nothing out there that's going to tempt or impress him. He then said, as a fighter pilot, he's flown at the speed of sound, seen the curvature of the Earth, and is married to the love of his life. Good answer.

Yes, "good answer" in the sense that it's utterly nonsensical.


It's a good answer in a sense that he didn't use the N word. Baby steps, man. Baby steps.
2013-07-17 01:55:55 PM  
1 votes:

Slaxl: Dr Dreidel: If Chuck went through any schooling where they teach anything remotely related to Middle Ages/European history, I think he's already heard the "good" news.

[crusades.jpg]

Don't be silly. The crusades were a just struggle to reclaim the holy land from the insidious Saracen.


Plus a jobs-program for all the excess sons of the nobility. Son #1 inherits. Son #2 to serve the duke/king/etc. Son #3 to the Church (whether he likes it or not). Son #4, 5, ... off to the Holy Land either die or establish his own fiefdom (while tithing some that newly seized swag back to Rome).
2013-07-17 01:51:54 PM  
1 votes:

hardinparamedic: Cyberluddite: hardinparamedic: Jesus Saves because he always has epic dice rolls

In fact, that's where the phrase "holy roller" originates.  "Come 7, come 11, for only through me shalt thou get to heaven!"

Jesus is a pretty cool character. He's got no cooldown on Exorcism and Lay on Hands. The only bad part about it is that when you die, the rez timer has a 3 day window.


He also has Water Walking and Summon Food and Drink.  Unfortunately, his DPS is really low and while Remove Curse is helpful, he can't really tank, DPS or be a main healer for anything bigger than a 13 man raid.
2013-07-17 01:51:48 PM  
1 votes:
I realize that New York City is just some jerkwater town far off the beaten path, but in fact, many of us here have heard the news about this Jesus fellow. Last I heard, some New Yorkers had actually built some churches around his religion, but that could just be a rumor.
2013-07-17 01:49:56 PM  
1 votes:
ranger.gamebanana.com
2013-07-17 01:35:00 PM  
1 votes:

DamnYankees: Aarontology: DamnYankees: What good news is this? As a Jew I assume I must have not heard about it yet.

Free latkes.

Damn, that is good news.


Yeah, until the great Applesauce vs. Sour Cream Schism of 2024.
2013-07-17 01:34:26 PM  
1 votes:

Cyberluddite: hardinparamedic: Jesus Saves because he always has epic dice rolls

In fact, that's where the phrase "holy roller" originates.  "Come 7, come 11, for only through me shalt thou get to heaven!"


Jesus is a pretty cool character. He's got no cooldown on Exorcism and Lay on Hands. The only bad part about it is that when you die, the rez timer has a 3 day window.
2013-07-17 12:46:35 PM  
1 votes:
Schumer is Jewish. Jesus is Jewish.

Can't be a coincidence ...
2013-07-17 12:39:35 PM  
1 votes:

Aarontology: DamnYankees: What good news is this? As a Jew I assume I must have not heard about it yet.

Free latkes.


Damn, that is good news.
2013-07-17 12:24:56 PM  
1 votes:
What good news is this? As a Jew I assume I must have not heard about it yet.
2013-07-17 11:56:02 AM  
1 votes:
In the words of another Schumer, "My people already heard the Good News... um, maybe you didn't hear the Bad News."
2013-07-17 11:37:47 AM  
1 votes:

Slaxl: Dr Dreidel: If Chuck went through any schooling where they teach anything remotely related to Middle Ages/European history, I think he's already heard the "good" news.

[crusades.jpg]

Don't be silly. The crusades were a just struggle to reclaim the holy land from the insidious Saracen.


And he should just ignore the fact that every crusade started with a pogrom.
2013-07-17 11:27:49 AM  
1 votes:
this primary is going to be fun. i really hope steve king is the nominee though. i'd love to see him get his ass handed to him in a statewide election.
2013-07-17 11:24:41 AM  
1 votes:
If Chuck went through any schooling where they teach anything remotely related to Middle Ages/European history, I think he's already heard the "good" news.

[crusades.jpg]
2013-07-17 11:08:31 AM  
1 votes:
He then continued, "Cause he's a jay-ee-dubbayew, y'know!"
2013-07-17 11:07:52 AM  
1 votes:
He can only do that if he's elected? "Vote for me or else I'm keeping Jesus a secret from all the Jews!"
2013-07-17 11:06:09 AM  
1 votes:
"I would use my position of political power to covert that Jew"
2013-07-17 11:03:08 AM  
1 votes:
Oh wow.
 
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