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(The New York Times)   Comedy legend Jack Handey 1) has a novel coming out, 2) sat down with the New York Times for an interview, and 3) is a real person   ( divider line
    More: Spiffy, Jack Handey, Honey Boo Boo, comedy, Will Rogers, Dick Ebersol, Deep Throat, tasmanian devils, legends  
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2999 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 17 Jul 2013 at 1:14 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-07-17 04:46:24 PM  
3 votes:
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the other people in the car.
2013-07-17 02:45:25 PM  
2 votes:
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as...a pack of wild dogs.
2013-07-17 01:31:37 PM  
2 votes:
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
2013-07-17 01:31:04 PM  
2 votes:
"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said. 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."
2013-07-17 11:13:14 PM  
1 vote:
When I was about ten years old, we set up a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of our house. We didn't sell many glasses, and after a few hours we took it down. I think that was the first time I realized that the world doesn't give a damn about you or anything you do.
2013-07-17 08:09:52 PM  
1 vote:
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. But he's such a busy guy, you'd have to run up to him really fast to hand it to him.
2013-07-17 06:48:43 PM  
1 vote:
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
2013-07-17 03:03:31 PM  
1 vote:
"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. "
2013-07-17 02:29:30 PM  
1 vote:
pupkus: the moist residue left on a car window after a dog presses its nose to it.
2013-07-17 02:10:07 PM  
1 vote:
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.
2013-07-17 01:52:54 PM  
1 vote:
Here's a tip:  if you're falling from the roof of Sears Tower, go limp.  People will look up and think it's just a dummy falling and someone will catch you, because, "Hey, free dummy."
2013-07-17 01:40:10 PM  
1 vote:
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
2013-07-17 01:31:29 PM  
1 vote:
It's a shame that pirates were always searching for buried treasure, when the real treasure was the friendship they were sharing.
2013-07-17 01:23:35 PM  
1 vote:
Would we be less likely to cut down trees if they screamed?  Would we be more likely to cut down trees if the just screamed, all the time, and for no discernable reason?

If you drop your keys in lava, just let them go because, man, they're gone.
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