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(The New York Times)   Comedy legend Jack Handey 1) has a novel coming out, 2) sat down with the New York Times for an interview, and 3) is a real person   (nytimes.com) divider line 40
    More: Spiffy, Jack Handey, Honey Boo Boo, comedy, Will Rogers, Dick Ebersol, Deep Throat, tasmanian devils, legends  
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2987 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 17 Jul 2013 at 1:14 PM (51 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



40 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2013-07-17 01:17:07 PM
I'll just leave this here:

http://www.hulu.com/playlist/171025
 
2013-07-17 01:18:26 PM
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
 
2013-07-17 01:23:35 PM
Would we be less likely to cut down trees if they screamed?  Would we be more likely to cut down trees if the just screamed, all the time, and for no discernable reason?

If you drop your keys in lava, just let them go because, man, they're gone.
 
2013-07-17 01:24:49 PM
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children... because I don't think children should be having sex.
 
2013-07-17 01:28:38 PM
I think the worst part of having King Kong walk down your street would be having to see the giant ape genitals.
 
2013-07-17 01:31:04 PM
"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said. 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."
 
2013-07-17 01:31:29 PM
It's a shame that pirates were always searching for buried treasure, when the real treasure was the friendship they were sharing.
 
2013-07-17 01:31:37 PM
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
 
2013-07-17 01:36:37 PM
Hey, free dummy.
 
2013-07-17 01:37:24 PM
Heh, awesome. I had a Jack Handey quote as my senior quote in high school.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Made even better because it was a very strict Christian school. Even had a few parents tell me they laughed when they read it.
 
2013-07-17 01:40:10 PM
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
 
2013-07-17 01:40:12 PM
We used to laugh at grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing, but we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town
 
2013-07-17 01:52:54 PM
Here's a tip:  if you're falling from the roof of Sears Tower, go limp.  People will look up and think it's just a dummy falling and someone will catch you, because, "Hey, free dummy."
 
2013-07-17 01:54:19 PM

Poopy MacPoop: Hey, free dummy.


Sorry.  Beat me by 16 minutes.
 
2013-07-17 01:57:33 PM
4) still uses a typewriter.
 
2013-07-17 02:04:25 PM
"If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity 'happen.'"

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
 
2013-07-17 02:07:39 PM
If you are ever skydiving, and your parachute fails, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a good gag would be to pretend you're swimming.
 
2013-07-17 02:10:07 PM
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.
 
2013-07-17 02:12:11 PM

The All-Powerful Atheismo: I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children... because I don't think children should be having sex.


My favorite.
 
2013-07-17 02:14:31 PM
oi44.tinypic.com

oi40.tinypic.com

oi41.tinypic.com

Had these on my phone.  They seemed appropriate
 
2013-07-17 02:29:30 PM
pupkus: the moist residue left on a car window after a dog presses its nose to it.
 
2013-07-17 02:45:25 PM
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as...a pack of wild dogs.
 
2013-07-17 02:48:42 PM
I knew he was a real person Subby...

FTFA:
The most I laughed in our interview was as he explained how he and Frazier once bewildered a fishing guide with an hourlong riff in which they pretended to be registered sex offenders. Handey slipped easily into the riff: "Some of these other so-called sex offenders aren't even registered. They don't even have papers! They don't put the work into it."

Spindle: If you drop your keys in lava, just let them go because, man, they're gone.


That's one of my all-time favorites...
 
2013-07-17 03:03:31 PM
"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. "
 
2013-07-17 03:17:31 PM
The crows are calling my name, thought Caw.
 
2013-07-17 03:18:47 PM
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked him about sex. He sort of smiled and said, "Maybe instead of telling you what sex is, why don't we go out to the horse pasture and I'll show you." So we did, and there on the ground were my parents having sex.
 
2013-07-17 04:16:39 PM
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.
He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.
But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust,"
some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.
At his hanging, he told the others,
"I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."
 
2013-07-17 04:19:36 PM
This is my favorite thread of the day.  Thanks guys and girls!
 
2013-07-17 04:36:37 PM
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
 
2013-07-17 04:42:45 PM

neritz: I'll just leave this here:

http://www.hulu.com/playlist/171025


Thanks!
 
2013-07-17 04:46:24 PM
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the other people in the car.
 
2013-07-17 05:00:11 PM
I'm glad he is real. He was one of the best things about SNL.
 
2013-07-17 05:11:08 PM
"Oh blow, ye wind, like the trumpet blows.  But without all that noise."

Also:  Check out his book What I'd Say to the Martians, and Other Veiled Threats.  I was in tears reading it.
 
2013-07-17 06:48:43 PM
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
 
2013-07-17 08:09:52 PM
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. But he's such a busy guy, you'd have to run up to him really fast to hand it to him.
 
2013-07-17 10:42:53 PM

Crewmannumber6: I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the other people in the car.


"Like his passengers" is the correct punchline. Briefer, lets you imagine your own vehicle, make it clearer how he died, etc.
 
2013-07-17 11:13:14 PM
When I was about ten years old, we set up a lemonade stand on the sidewalk in front of our house. We didn't sell many glasses, and after a few hours we took it down. I think that was the first time I realized that the world doesn't give a damn about you or anything you do.
 
2013-07-18 04:57:04 AM

timharrod: Crewmannumber6: I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the other people in the car.

"Like his passengers" is the correct punchline. Briefer, lets you imagine your own vehicle, make it clearer how he died, etc.


That has always been my favourite.

/Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying  across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
 
2013-07-18 07:03:51 AM

timharrod: Crewmannumber6: I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the other people in the car.

"Like his passengers" is the correct punchline. Briefer, lets you imagine your own vehicle, make it clearer how he died, etc.


Give me some credit for trying to do it tfrom memory instead of going to Wikipedia and cutting & pasting.
 
2013-07-18 07:39:05 AM
Better not bring the dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out the window on the way back, he might get his faced burnt off.
 
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