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(Chicago Sun-Times)   Shop owner beaten with baseball bat after telling customer he didn't carry tank tops in 3XL. Police looking for a sweaty, slow-moving fat man with little follow-through on his swing   (suntimes.com) divider line 52
    More: Scary, 3XL, tank tops, Chicago Police  
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3409 clicks; posted to Main » on 17 Jul 2013 at 11:53 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



52 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-07-17 09:28:06 AM
Adam Dunn?
 
2013-07-17 09:41:40 AM
The attacker "pulled out a baseball bat."

What, he was going clothes shopping and just happened to take a bat with him?  Where the hell was he carrying it, in his fat folds like Human Bender?  So many questions...
 
2013-07-17 11:02:18 AM

God Is My Co-Pirate: The attacker "pulled out a baseball bat."

What, he was going clothes shopping and just happened to take a bat with him?  Where the hell was he carrying it, in his fat folds like Human Bender?  So many questions...


Hammerspace
 
2013-07-17 11:19:08 AM
Police looking for a sweaty, slow-moving fat man with little follow-through on his swing

Too late, the Mets have signed him for 7 years/$65mil
 
2013-07-17 11:41:06 AM
To read the rest of the story, please register for free or, if you already have an account,


Thanks schlubbmitter, but no.
 
2013-07-17 11:55:43 AM
Its peanut butter jaily time?
 
2013-07-17 11:56:15 AM

blatz514: To read the rest of the story, please register for free or, if you already have an account,


Thanks schlubbmitter, but no.


STOP GREENLIGHTING THIS CRAP!
 
WGJ
2013-07-17 11:58:04 AM
They're supposed to be wife beaters.
 
2013-07-17 11:59:25 AM
well, doesnt that beat all..
 
2013-07-17 12:00:24 PM

WGJ: They're supposed to be wife beaters.


Maybe the fat man is gay and thought the owner was his wife
 
2013-07-17 12:00:26 PM
1995 Cecil Fielder?
 
2013-07-17 12:01:04 PM
Was the bat covered in sand?
 
2013-07-17 12:03:38 PM
This reminds me of ...

/nsfw
//unless you're a dock worker in Oakland
 
2013-07-17 12:03:56 PM
only a vague description? i guess that's the bummer of america, is that a 3XL shirt wearing person doesn't even stand out as the one in ten thousand that he should....
 
2013-07-17 12:04:13 PM

God Is My Co-Pirate: The attacker "pulled out a baseball bat."

What, he was going clothes shopping and just happened to take a bat with him?  Where the hell was he carrying it, in his fat folds like Human Bender?  So many questions...


where he was carrying it seems less the question than why. it's an unusual accessorize for a shopping trip.
 
2013-07-17 12:04:41 PM
You're dropping your back shoulder
 
2013-07-17 12:07:07 PM
Obesity epidemic. Check.
Crime epidemic. Check.
Did he also have the swine flu?

Triple threat!
 
2013-07-17 12:09:52 PM
I thought they were giving Zimmerman his gun back?
 
2013-07-17 12:10:14 PM

The Pope of Manwich Village: Obesity epidemic. Check.
Crime epidemic. Check.
Did he also have the swine flu?

Triple threat!


So a simple GIS for "triple threat" gave me this..

www.allfordmustangs.com

Thank you interwebs!
 
2013-07-17 12:11:30 PM
Possible suspect?

cdn.bleacherreport.net

/Tigers fan
//Fielder fan too
///also fan of his dad
////going for slashie record
 
2013-07-17 12:13:08 PM

God Is My Co-Pirate: The attacker "pulled out a baseball bat."

What, he was going clothes shopping and just happened to take a bat with him?  Where the hell was he carrying it, in his fat folds like Human Bender?  So many questions...


It's kind of like the Highlander sword. It just kind of shows up when you need it.
 
2013-07-17 12:16:47 PM

blatz514: To read the rest of the story, please register for free or, if you already have an account,


Thanks schlubbmitter, but no.


I'm being asked click a couple of links to access free Internet content

Help me I'm being oppressed.
 
2013-07-17 12:18:08 PM

jaytkay: blatz514: To read the rest of the story, please register for free or, if you already have an account,


Thanks schlubbmitter, but no.

I'm being asked click a couple of links to access free Internet content

Help me I'm being oppressed.


Free internet content?  That's like porn, right?
 
2013-07-17 12:21:14 PM
He did it like this, hr did it like that.
 
2013-07-17 12:24:46 PM

Fano: He did it like this, hr did it like that.


That funky monkey
 
2013-07-17 12:25:48 PM

blatz514: The Pope of Manwich Village: Obesity epidemic. Check.
Crime epidemic. Check.
Did he also have the swine flu?

Triple threat!

So a simple GIS for "triple threat" gave me this..

[www.allfordmustangs.com image 375x500]

Thank you interwebs!


I'll take the one one the left
 
2013-07-17 12:27:30 PM
Police looking for a sweaty, slow-moving fat man with little follow-through on his swing

So, anyone on the current Yankees lineup?
 
2013-07-17 12:29:51 PM
The perpetrator is expected to have enthusiasms. Enthusiasms...
 
2013-07-17 12:30:22 PM
The attacker fled and is not in custody, police said. The owner was taken to Our Lady of the Resurrection Medical Center, where he was treated and released.

Was he resurrected?

and / or

Customer: I'd like to buy a tank top in my size
Al Bundy: I'm sorry sir. For a tank top your size, you should go see the U S Army. Ask for size M1 Abrams.
Customer: I'm just big boned
Al Bundy: Yes. Big bones wrapped with fat.
Customer: Well, I don't have to stand here and take this abuse.
Al Bundy: I gotta warn you. If you plan on sitting down around here, none of these chairs will hold you.
Customer: Oh yeah smart guy? How would you like a baseball bat upside he head?
Al Bundy: I sell fat shirts to fat people. A baseball bat upside the head would be an improvement.

Later, at home
Al Bundy: Geez what a day. A fat guy comes in and wanted an XXXL shirt. And now, eight missing hours later and for some reason, I seem to be home.
 
2013-07-17 12:37:54 PM

God Is My Co-Pirate: The attacker "pulled out a baseball bat."

What, he was going clothes shopping and just happened to take a bat with him?  Where the hell was he carrying it, in his fat folds like Human Bender?  So many questions...


It's used as a walking stick. And apparently a weapon too when cranky fatboy doesn't get what he wants.
 
2013-07-17 12:38:09 PM
Today it is ~400 degrees in Chicago with a heat index of 560 and anyone who weighs over 85 pounds is sweating like a well digger.  On behalf of all of the citizens of Chicago, I'd like to ask that we stop selling tank tops all together.  There's a unique sort of hell here that is experienced by standing next to a sweaty guy in a tank top on the bus while he lifts his arm up to hold onto the railing, exposing a damp thatch of hair with some little balls of lint and deoderant stuck to it.  I don't like being exposed to other people's dampness.
 
2013-07-17 12:47:36 PM
Not all 3XL wearers are fat.  Could have been some 'uge freakin' guy.
 
2013-07-17 12:48:19 PM
So do we call this kind of shirt a "Clerk Beater"?
 
2013-07-17 12:51:32 PM
hypenc.com
 
2013-07-17 12:51:35 PM

BunkoSquad: Police looking for a sweaty, slow-moving fat man with little follow-through on his swing

Too late, the Mets have signed him for 7 years/$65mil


Snerk.

/ here's the first pitch *crack* aaaand the season's over
 
2013-07-17 12:57:36 PM

jaytkay: blatz514: To read the rest of the story, please register for free or, if you already have an account,


Thanks schlubbmitter, but no.

I'm being asked click a couple of links to access free Internet content

Help me I'm being oppressed.


see the violence inherent in the system!
 
2013-07-17 12:59:12 PM
Then he went to be fat somewhere else?

/playing along
//is fat
 
2013-07-17 12:59:27 PM
So, does this fall in the "Huge guy theory" or "Serial crusher theory"?
 
2013-07-17 12:59:33 PM

ChipNASA: blatz514: To read the rest of the story, please register for free or, if you already have an account,


Thanks schlubbmitter, but no.

STOP GREENLIGHTING THIS CRAP!


This
 
2013-07-17 01:11:29 PM
The baseball player theory is a little too convenient, that's like looking for a Nascar driver after a drunken hit and run.

My prime suspect based on subby's criteria:

encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com
 
2013-07-17 01:20:12 PM

teenytinycornteeth: Today it is ~400 degrees in Chicago with a heat index of 560 and anyone who weighs over 85 pounds is sweating like a well digger.  On behalf of all of the citizens of Chicago, I'd like to ask that we stop selling tank tops all together.  There's a unique sort of hell here that is experienced by standing next to a sweaty guy in a tank top on the bus while he lifts his arm up to hold onto the railing, exposing a damp thatch of hair with some little balls of lint and deoderant stuck to it.  I don't like being exposed to other people's dampness.


Ugh, mental image here is horrible. Fat guy in a tank top or cut off is never a good look.

So gross when dudes let their arm pits get all deodorant crusty. I'll be first to admit, it's a little feminine, but you have to clipper pit hair. You don't get as sweaty, they smell less, women like a groomed men more. Where is the downside here?
 
2013-07-17 01:24:38 PM
It sounds like he needed the exercise.
 
2013-07-17 01:25:52 PM

jaytkay: blatz514: To read the rest of the story, please register for free or, if you already have an account,


Thanks schlubbmitter, but no.

I'm being asked click a couple of links to access free Internet content

Help me I'm being oppressed.


You outta see what happens when it's Cracked.com...the whining, oh, the whining.
 
2013-07-17 01:25:59 PM

God Is My Co-Pirate: The attacker "pulled out a baseball bat."

What, he was going clothes shopping and just happened to take a bat with him?  Where the hell was he carrying it, in his fat folds like Human Bender?  So many questions...


Maybe it's like the intro to the Takashi Miike movie Dead or Alive (1999). People pulling automatic pistols and shotguns out of ridiculous hiding places.

/if you want to watch it keep in mind it's NSFW
//Warning: Contains knife violence, gun violence, naked hooker falling from building, strippers, gay sex in bathroom, and a guy snorting a 20 ft. line of coke
 
2013-07-17 01:37:50 PM
Genju:
//Warning: Contains knife violence, gun violence, naked hooker falling from building, strippers, gay sex in bathroom, and a guy snorting a 20 ft. line of coke

So, Saturday night around here, then.
 
2013-07-17 02:13:58 PM

bearcats1983: teenytinycornteeth: Today it is ~400 degrees in Chicago with a heat index of 560 and anyone who weighs over 85 pounds is sweating like a well digger.  On behalf of all of the citizens of Chicago, I'd like to ask that we stop selling tank tops all together.  There's a unique sort of hell here that is experienced by standing next to a sweaty guy in a tank top on the bus while he lifts his arm up to hold onto the railing, exposing a damp thatch of hair with some little balls of lint and deoderant stuck to it.  I don't like being exposed to other people's dampness.

Ugh, mental image here is horrible. Fat guy in a tank top or cut off is never a good look.

So gross when dudes let their arm pits get all deodorant crusty. I'll be first to admit, it's a little feminine, but you have to clipper pit hair. You don't get as sweaty, they smell less, women like a groomed men more. Where is the downside here?


Right.  I should emphasize I'm not against body hair, or pit hair even...but not in my face man.  Not in my face.
 
2013-07-17 02:58:33 PM

ChipNASA: blatz514: To read the rest of the story, please register for free or, if you already have an account,

Thanks schlubbmitter, but no.

STOP GREENLIGHTING THIS CRAP!


This, please.
 
2013-07-17 03:11:51 PM
Surprised not to see Carl Brutananadalewski in this thread.
 
2013-07-17 03:36:34 PM
saintbrendanlynch.files.wordpress.com
Person of interest.
 
2013-07-17 03:55:15 PM

blatz514: The Pope of Manwich Village: Obesity epidemic. Check.
Crime epidemic. Check.
Did he also have the swine flu?

Triple threat!

So a simple GIS for "triple threat" gave me this..

[www.allfordmustangs.com image 375x500]

Thank you interwebs!


Wow!  A nice '63 Riveria!
 
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