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(CNN)   Good news everyone, I've discovered a method of transporting people from LA to NY in 45 minutes   ( divider line
    More: Followup, Elon Musk, Los Angeles, magnetic levitation, energy usage, Rand Corporation  
•       •       •

8394 clicks; posted to Geek » on 16 Jul 2013 at 8:57 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-07-16 08:07:23 PM  
4 votes:
2013-07-16 09:31:47 PM  
3 votes:

"They're made out of meat."


"Meat. They're made out of meat."


"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"So ... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal!  Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat."

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"


"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."
2013-07-16 09:02:38 PM  
3 votes:
2013-07-16 08:57:53 PM  
3 votes:
We've legalized pot and we are getting the tube technology..

What about no more rich and poor people?

/ hail the D!!!
2013-07-16 10:36:45 PM  
2 votes:

StopLurkListen: One of the most dangerous things you'll probably do today is get in a car. Over thirty thousand people in the United States are killed each year in cars.

Yup.  Let's say we built tube-trains 100 years ago.  What if someone came along in 2013 and said this?

"My idea is that essentially any adult, even really dumb ones, would have a 2 or 3 ton ground vehicle that can go essentially wherever the occupant wants.  To prevent collisions, we'll draw lines on the ground and ask people to pretend that they are actual barriers.  If it's really confusing, we'll put up a system of flashing colored lights and written instructions and ask everyone to memorize what they mean and obey them.  Yeah, I've seen people who can't figure out how to order at a McDonald's, but I'm sure they'll correctly process written instructions as they're hurtling around at 60+ mph.

We'll also lay down, I don't know, 4 million miles of wide concrete strips so that these 3-ton things don't bounce too much as they move around.  We'll load each vehicle up with ~100 pounds of extremely flammable liquid and draw power from a series of controlled explosions.  We'll start that using a big tank of lead and concentrated sulfuric acid.  My initial estimates are that this system will kill roughly as many people each year as breast cancer or alcohol does, and that's before we think about the lung disease from the reduced air quality."

Alternate Universe Fark would blow up.
2013-07-16 09:27:00 PM  
2 votes:

NobleHam: Is there a chance the tube could bend?

Not a chance my Hindu friend.
2013-07-16 09:15:14 PM  
2 votes:
"Good ride, huh?"
"Yeah. Made it time for my meeting."
/hot like a hot tube
2013-07-16 09:13:41 PM  
2 votes:

RatMaster999: DamnYankees: Doesn't seem all that practical. And what if the tube ruptures?

Unless the tube ruptures right were the capsule is, I imagine there would be something of a jolt, then the thing slowing down do to wind resistance.  Though, with sensors in place to detect changes in air pressure through the system, you could start slowing the capsule with the magnets before they hit the wall of air.

Just my guess, I was an English major, not an engineer.

Do != due

I point this out because you are an English major.

See! I'm helpful!
2013-07-17 03:09:05 AM  
1 vote:

StopLurkListen: he Concorde could go from London to NY lickety-split but it couldn't make enough money to stay in business, except for subsidies in the name of national pride -- and it's route (thin air) required no construction or maintenance ...

There is no shortage of people who want to fly from London to New York in two hours. Finding those willing to pay £6,800 for the ticket is another matter entirely.

Which also suggest that in the very unlikely event that this is built then this concept

will become this reality.
2013-07-16 10:50:37 PM  
1 vote:

Pray 4 Mojo: Hollie Maea: Personally, I would put the access road between the two tubes...since it would be up on pylons don't need much buffer on each side.

Ohhh... good call. What about seismic and noise issues?

/Hope you know I'm not doing this to break balls... it's really interesting.
//and I appreciate your indulging me.

It'll be interesting to see what he comes up with for the seismic issue.  My guess is that there will be sort of a pendulum type system in which the pylons can move independent of the tube.  Making pylons that can withstand earthquakes is just old fashioned engineering.  I wouldn't ride on the inevitable Chinese version though.

As far as noise goes, the key to this working is laminar air flow, so it shouldn't be very noisy.

/Thankee for TF
2013-07-16 10:44:57 PM  
1 vote:
Looks viable except there is no bathroom and no way to prevent other passengers BO or farts from asphyxiating you.
2013-07-16 10:42:51 PM  
1 vote:
I don't know.  This entire concept seems less fun than my 2,444 mile long Slip and Slide.
2013-07-16 09:59:06 PM  
1 vote:

The All-Powerful Atheismo: No mention in the article of how much the tube would cost.

They can offset the cost by using the tubes to transport internet...
2013-07-16 09:25:09 PM  
1 vote:
Is there a chance the tube could bend?
2013-07-16 09:13:42 PM  
1 vote:
Been done
2013-07-16 09:08:07 PM  
1 vote:
Would be interested in taking a ride.
2013-07-16 09:01:02 PM  
1 vote:
And maintaining a vacuum of that size will only required a1/3 of the nation's electricity.
2013-07-16 07:49:41 PM  
1 vote:
Doesn't seem all that practical. And what if the tube ruptures?
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