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    More: Scary, god, waiting in line, Billy Crystal  
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20994 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 Jul 2013 at 6:52 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-07-13 04:00:51 PM
It'd be nice if more people, on the subject of religion, would say "I haven't given it a lot of thought, but I have momentum."
I don't think most people who have religious beliefs could write them out into an internally valid canon.
 
2013-07-13 04:00:54 PM
I was standing in line with God...

"I hadn't heard," said God. "My Internet's been down."

 God showed his AARP card and got the senior discount.


We got to the snack counter. I ordered popcorn and a cherry Icee. "He'll have water," said God and when I looked at him, He said, "I gave you good, strong teeth. Why do you want to rot them?"


So God has to wait in line, has crappy internet connections, has to pay for tickets, and gets all pushy about movie snacks? Doesn't sound very omnipotent to me
 
2013-07-13 04:04:18 PM
I'm not sure what's supposed to be scary about this.  What am I missing?
 
2013-07-13 04:05:06 PM

scottydoesntknow: So God has to wait in line, has crappy internet connections, has to pay for tickets, and gets all pushy about movie snacks? Doesn't sound very omnipotent to me


I cri evertim.
 
2013-07-13 04:09:15 PM
I think we would be suited if we shut the fark up about what we believe and believed it.  If the words "I believe that..." never left anyones mouth except in answer to a direct question, the world would not be so incredibly annoying.

Of course, this is just what I believe.
 
2013-07-13 04:09:52 PM
Biblical fan fiction is a thing?

God waggled His fingers at a toddler who was staring at Him.

Well that's a fun word. Guess this wasn't a total waste of time.
 
2013-07-13 04:14:33 PM
Well, I've seen worse things written by some religious people, at least.  This seems silly, but at least it doesn't seem particularly hostile.
 
2013-07-13 04:16:33 PM

thismomentinblackhistory: Biblical fan fiction is a thing?


We can make it a thing, right now, in this thread.

I'll do a prequel to Habakkuk.
 
2013-07-13 04:21:56 PM

thismomentinblackhistory: Biblical fan fiction is a thing?



I suppose we should be thankful it's not slash.
 
2013-07-13 04:22:12 PM
I used to talk to my invisible friend, too

/when I was six years old
 
2013-07-13 04:22:46 PM
THIS is going on the mainpage, with THIS completely useless headline?

(Without even a HINT of what it is about in the mouseover either?)

Jesus admins, how much did the writer pay for the pageviews? Because that is the ONLY excuse for this incredibly poor display of judgement,.
 
2013-07-13 04:25:45 PM

Shadow Blasko: Jesus admins


Maybe He does.
 
2013-07-13 04:45:53 PM
Habakkuk, the prequel!
Mr. and Mrs. Habakkuk were fishing in the sea of Galilee when they hear that the rivers of Chaldea and decide to move there.  Johnny Habakkuk, their young son was very upset by this.  He made a lot of friends down at temple, and didn't want to lose them.  Since birth, Johnny looked forward to Chol HaMoed for all the singing and joy in the streets.  Everyone knew the Chaldeans were pagans, and they worshipped gods solemnly and individually.  Johnny was afraid the Chaldeans would destroy Judea and didn't want anything to do with them.  But, Johnny was a good boy and obeyed his father.

When they got to Ur, in Chaldea, his parents started fishing.  Johnny went to the local temple and tried to find other jewlings to play with.  He couldn't find any.  This made him very sad.  Too sad to sing his favorite songs.  But, he was a good jewling and went to learn from his parents instead.  Fishing was good, and god blessed his parents.  Their nets were full of fish and they always had plenty of blood for their matzah.  They lived comfortably and always prayed and sacrificed and thanked god.

Johnny decided that if was going to live in Chaldea, he would be the best Chaldean jewling he could be.  But he didn't know how.  So, Johnny went to Mount Paran and asked god "God, how can I be a good Jewling in Chaldea?".  God heard him, and said "Johnny, first you must be a good Jewling on your own."  So Johnny went to the desert and prayed and fasted for 7 years.  In the morning he would drink the dew from the leaves of the olive tree and at night he would sleep with the sheep in their pens.  All day long he would pray and recite the torah.  Then, at the end of his 7 years, he went again to mount Paran and asked god "God, am I not now a good Jewling?  Am I not the most pious of the Shunammites?  What now shall I do, my Lord?"  God replied "Go Johnny, and tell the Chaldeans of me.  Tell the Cushans and Midianites.  Where ever you shall go, I shall be with you."

So, he went out and preached the word of God to all the pagans in Chaldea.  He baptized them in the Euphrates and he taught them all of the torah.  He became the most famous jewling in Ur and the most famous prophet in .   But would he ever get to sing shigionoth, his favorite song?

The end.
 
2013-07-13 05:07:44 PM
God is most certainly not a Billy Crystal fan. Tonight's lineup at Jesus H. Christ's Giggleatorium is Pryor, Carlin, Kinison, Hicks, Hedberg and Dangerfield, and after last call they're all gonna smite Gallagher again.
 
2013-07-13 05:35:17 PM
Atheists do not believe in god. period.

Atheism is, in a broad sense, the rejection of belief in the existence of deities.[1][2] In a narrower sense, atheism is specifically the position that there are no deities.[3][4][5] Most inclusively, atheism is simply the absence of belief that any deities exist.[4][5][6][7]

Theism,[8][9] which in its most general form is the belief that at least one deity exists.[9][10]

If they believe in an UNIVERSAL SPIRIT, they are theists. Period.

/dont get me started on agnostics.
/what the poll discovered is that there are a lot of ignorant theists who no longer believe in the religion of their parents or upbringing, dont accept established religions, believe in something and dont know the definition of atheist.
 
2013-07-13 05:48:05 PM
GOD DAMMIT, I SAID I WANT A FARKING CHERRY ICEE!!!!!
 
2013-07-13 05:58:41 PM
I hate when religious people tell me how I think because they looked up different meaning of "atheist" in the dictionary or online and therefore they think they know more about it, instead of my 35+ years of experience in the matter.  I'm a little older than that but I'll give my youthful self a little leeway, hell I did believe in Santa once too. But religious people seem to know lots more about being an atheist than one who never got around to believing in God in the first place.
 
2013-07-13 06:02:52 PM

namatad: what the poll discovered is that there are a lot of ignorant theists who no longer believe in the religion of their parents or upbringing, dont accept established religions, believe in something and dont know the definition of atheist.


That isn't what the poll discovered at all.

Mr. Pitts is completely misrepresenting the findings of the Pew study.  Here it is in its entirety:  "Nones" on the Rise: One-in-Five Adults Have No Religious Affiliation (PDF)

Atheists accounted for 2.4% of those surveyed...but, Mr. Pitts pretended that a much larger group (of those that don't belong to a particular religion) necessarily lack belief in a god or gods.  That's fudging the numbers in a pretty serious way.

The Pew Study is also flawed in that, aside from self-identification, it merges atheists with agnostics.  Agnosticism isn't atheism-lite; that label really tells you next to nothing about a person's beliefs.

So, the study seems to me to be fundamentally flawed (but, that's par for the course when it comes to these sorts of surveys).  Much worse is the fact that Mr. Pitts was deliberately dishonest in relating the study's findings.
 
2013-07-13 06:07:33 PM
Why would it ever cross the mind of a religious person to be annoyed because a non-believer acts in a spiritual manner, but not directed towards THEIR God?

They really are that petty and spiteful, aren't they. They take after Him.
 
2013-07-13 06:19:52 PM
I haven't read much of Leonard Pitts lately, but it seems he's really gone downhill in the last few years.
 
2013-07-13 06:21:51 PM

FloydA: thismomentinblackhistory: Biblical fan fiction is a thing?


I suppose we should be thankful it's not slash.


Well, they were on a movie date together....
 
2013-07-13 06:32:31 PM

eraser8: That isn't what the poll discovered at all.

Mr. Pitts is completely misrepresenting the findings of the Pew study.  Here it is in its entirety:  "Nones" on the Rise: One-in-Five Adults Have No Religious Affiliation (PDF)

Atheists accounted for 2.4% of those surveyed...but, Mr. Pitts pretended that a much larger group (of those that don't belong to a particular religion) necessarily lack belief in a god or gods.  That's fudging the numbers in a pretty serious way.

The Pew Study is also flawed in that, aside from self-identification, it merges atheists with agnostics.  Agnosticism isn't atheism-lite; that label really tells you next to nothing about a person's beliefs.

So, the study seems to me to be fundamentally flawed (but, that's par for the course when it comes to these sorts of surveys).  Much worse is the fact that Mr. Pitts was deliberately dishonest in relating the study's findings.


Fair enough. I just assumed that the article was at least minimally reporting the results from the study.
Silly me!! LOL
 
2013-07-13 06:34:08 PM

Confabulat: Why would it ever cross the mind of a religious person to be annoyed because a non-believer acts in a spiritual manner, but not directed towards THEIR God?


Same reason they obsess about other people's sex lives.
 
2013-07-13 06:35:43 PM

Darth_Lukecash: FloydA: thismomentinblackhistory: Biblical fan fiction is a thing?


I suppose we should be thankful it's not slash.

Well, they were on a movie date together....


Yeah, but they were going to a Billy Crystal movie.  That's gonna deaden the sex drive for at least a week.
 
2013-07-13 06:46:12 PM
Well.  That was a pretty useless article.  By the looks of the headline, I thought Megarian submitted it.  Thinking this would be a pretty fun read.   It wasn't sadly.
 
2013-07-13 06:54:49 PM
"Isn't it amazing, that the religion in which you were indoctrinated into for the first 18 years of your life just happens to be the correct one? How lucky each one of you are."
 
2013-07-13 06:56:19 PM
i522.photobucket.com
 
2013-07-13 06:57:48 PM
...Nobody else wants to write some bible fanfics?
 
2013-07-13 06:59:27 PM
God asks a lot of questions for an omniscient guy.
 
2013-07-13 07:00:04 PM

eraser8: namatad: what the poll discovered is that there are a lot of ignorant theists who no longer believe in the religion of their parents or upbringing, dont accept established religions, believe in something and dont know the definition of atheist.

That isn't what the poll discovered at all.

Mr. Pitts is completely misrepresenting the findings of the Pew study.  Here it is in its entirety:  "Nones" on the Rise: One-in-Five Adults Have No Religious Affiliation (PDF)


Just another liar for Jesus, eh? It's getting to the point where you can't swing a cat without hitting one of these dishonest pieces of shiat.
 
2013-07-13 07:00:52 PM
let me guess, the article contains some quaint, reflective thoughts that could be true with or without faith in some greater being. The thread comments here on FARK so far contain a lot of self-righteous pounding and snarky passive-aggressive comments about people having faith in a greater being being stupid/silly/immature/whatever.

/dnrtfa
//dnrtfft.
 
2013-07-13 07:01:10 PM
Neither funny nor informative.
 
2013-07-13 07:01:11 PM
That was the most retarded thing I've read all day. And I've been on the politics tab for a few hours .
 
2013-07-13 07:01:44 PM
Why are we listening to a skitzo's rants?
 
2013-07-13 07:01:56 PM
I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?"
Why did I cause so much pain?
Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?
Can't I see that we're all manifestations of love?
I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong.
We are not special.
We are not crap or trash either. We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.
And God says, "No, that's not right."
Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything.
 
2013-07-13 07:02:17 PM

scottydoesntknow: I was standing in line with God...

"I hadn't heard," said God. "My Internet's been down."
 God showed his AARP card and got the senior discount.


We got to the snack counter. I ordered popcorn and a cherry Icee. "He'll have water," said God and when I looked at him, He said, "I gave you good, strong teeth. Why do you want to rot them?"

So God has to wait in line, has crappy internet connections, has to pay for tickets, and gets all pushy about movie snacks? Doesn't sound very omnipotent to me


He's just a slob, like one of us.
 
2013-07-13 07:02:34 PM
Your article sucks. Your thoughts are not new or informative.

At least be like Pope Francis and try to shake things up.

You are boring Leonard Pitts.

You are boring.
 
2013-07-13 07:02:38 PM

Confabulat: Why would it ever cross the mind of a religious person to be annoyed because a non-believer acts in a spiritual manner, but not directed towards THEIR God?

They really are that petty and spiteful, aren't they. They take after Him.


"If you're not with us, you're against us". Anyone who worships something other than their God is, by their definition, worshiping Satan. What do you expect from a religion who's holy book was first written when they were little more than a heretical Jewish sect?
 
2013-07-13 07:02:45 PM
We got to the snack counter. I ordered popcorn and a cherry Icee. "He'll have water," said God and when I looked at him, He said, "I gave you good, strong teeth. Why do you want to rot them?"

Rather presumptuous of him.

Besides, if he were a competent creator our teeth would be made of something like silicon or carbon fiber.
 
2013-07-13 07:03:03 PM
God gave me a look. "Is this a joke?" He asked.

Well, that about sums it up.
 
2013-07-13 07:03:35 PM

cameroncrazy1984: politics tab


I for one doubt your sanity and thoughts.
 
2013-07-13 07:03:46 PM

FloydA: thismomentinblackhistory: Biblical fan fiction is a thing?


I suppose we should be thankful it's not slash.


David raised his sword, preparing to follow the king's commandment but then he stopped. This dark philistine warrior was so handsome. The battle sweat on his brow dripped down on his muscular hairless chest.

"No. This foreskin would not be part of Saul's post battle offering.", thought Joshua as he removed his tunic....
 
2013-07-13 07:05:06 PM
This is what Christains actually believe.

Nuke them from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
 
2013-07-13 07:05:35 PM
www.acartoonchristmas.com
 
2013-07-13 07:05:41 PM
Do you think Christians still picture God as George Burns?
 
2013-07-13 07:06:26 PM
*shrug* I thought it was cute.
 
2013-07-13 07:07:04 PM
"Really?" said God as the line edged forward. "So where's this coming from?"

so much for the omniscient diety

/`Oh dear,' says God, `I hadn't thought of that,' and promptly disappears in a puff of logic
 
2013-07-13 07:07:15 PM
Huh, well that's-

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

img1.nairaland.com
 
2013-07-13 07:07:16 PM
sub fail.

anyway. god seems like an idiot.. i guess that explains why humans are always pulling darwin's and killing eachother.
 
2013-07-13 07:07:22 PM
So I was in the XXX Emporium with God, a female dominatrix who recently decided she wanted to violate my anus with a large purple dildo, when it suddenly occurred to me that I should write an absurd post on FARK that featured her as an anthropomorphic character. She looked at me sideways and said, "Just hurry up and buy the farking lube. We still need XL diapers to complete the fantasy and the store closes in 10 minutes." I said, "Yes, mistress" and paid the man at the counter.
 
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