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(RealClear)   Seven terrible films featuring huge celebrities. Pros: Farker-driven, not a slide show. Cons: Battlefield Earth trailer   (realclear.com ) divider line
    More: Stupid, humans, John Travolta, Alicia Silverstone, Chris O'Donnell, Van Helsing, Batman and Robin, minx, Sigourney Weaver  
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7579 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 12 Jul 2013 at 12:53 PM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-07-12 03:02:46 PM  

mikieb: I_Am_Weasel: [upload.wikimedia.org image 220x336]

That's not a real movie. They only made one Highlander film.


And now they want to fark it up and reboot it with Ryan Goddamned Reynolds....

Amazing that they could make the TV series so good, yet fark up the sequels so badly...
 
2013-07-12 03:03:22 PM  
Michael Caine on Jaws IV: "I have never seen it [the film], but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific!" He says that the film "will go down in my memory as the time when I won an Oscar, paid for a house and had a great holiday. Not bad for a flop movie."
 
2013-07-12 03:05:22 PM  

I_Am_Weasel: [upload.wikimedia.org image 220x336]


Nice photoshop there. Everyone knows they only made one movie.


/I drink to forget the rest
 
2013-07-12 03:06:45 PM  

wiwille: Flappyhead: Caligula.

After two attempts I've never finished that movie. I shall not try again, and this coming from someone who sat through Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters and Zardoz.


Well all the boobies kept me into Caligula, other than that not so good.
 
2013-07-12 03:08:32 PM  

Dr Dreidel: Mikey1969: I don't understand the Travolta hate. I get a kick out of him, he seems to be able to turn the ham factor on at will, AND have fun with it, He plays a decently scary bad guy, and even though he's a Scientologist, it takes farkers and the media to remind me of it, as opposed to him getting on TV and loudly proclaiming it a la' Tom Cruise.

Face/Off and Punisher. (And I realize I'm one of 6 people who like that film.)

Travolta just needs to not be The Guy. Apparently, he's fine as a villain.


Neither Punisher was THAT good, but neither was worth committing seppuku over, like some people seem to want to. Thomas Jane was definitely the better of the two, though. And yeah, I really liked Travolta in Face/Off.
 
2013-07-12 03:09:29 PM  

hugram: [3.bp.blogspot.com image 300x442]


bite your tongue!  Mars Attacks was awesome... ok, maybe not awesome, but certainly doesn't belong on a list with Battlefield Earth.
 
2013-07-12 03:13:08 PM  

Mikey1969: Summer Glau's Love Slave: 3rd Matrix movie.

/First one had so much promise.

First one was such a mindfark that I was sure there had to be an awesome novel out there that it was based on. Second one barely kept me interested. Never been able to make it through the third...


You know, everytime people keep desiring a "The Incredibles" sequel, I need to start mentioning how it could easily become another "Matrix".  First movie: Outstanding...and then it goes downhill from there with the sequels.
 
2013-07-12 03:16:37 PM  

Guns n' Farkin Roses: hugram: [3.bp.blogspot.com image 300x442]

bite your tongue!  Mars Attacks was awesome... ok, maybe not awesome, but certainly doesn't belong on a list with Battlefield Earth.


MARS ATTACKS could have been a classic, except that it is over-saturated with the foul stench of Tim
Burton's "I can fetishize crap retro media because I'm a BRILLIANT AUTEUR!" poseurness.
 
2013-07-12 03:17:40 PM  
I LIKE the movie Battlefield Earth.  I have the book, it was in my late Mom's library.  I'll get around to reading it someday, to see how far the movie strayed from the book.
 
2013-07-12 03:19:23 PM  

Mikey1969: . Thomas Jane was definitely the better of the two, though



WHat about this one?

mariolikesmovies.com
 
2013-07-12 03:20:22 PM  

Mikey1969: Holy Fark people, you want to know why movie 'A' or movie 'B' isn't on the list? Watch the footage from The Conqueror, it should take up all 7 positions itself. Seriously, John Wayne as Genghis Kahn, without bothering to lose the 'Aw, Shucks, ma'am' drawl? NO other movie with good actors can be this bad.


... PLUS, it has the distinction of leading to multiple cancer deaths, including Wayne's .. so there's THAT.
 
2013-07-12 03:22:37 PM  
gallerytheimage.com
 
2013-07-12 03:28:13 PM  

Rwa2play: Mikey1969: Summer Glau's Love Slave: 3rd Matrix movie.

/First one had so much promise.

First one was such a mindfark that I was sure there had to be an awesome novel out there that it was based on. Second one barely kept me interested. Never been able to make it through the third...

You know, everytime people keep desiring a "The Incredibles" sequel, I need to start mentioning how it could easily become another "Matrix".  First movie: Outstanding...and then it goes downhill from there with the sequels.


Or Shrek. The first one of those was still kind of new and funny - remember, it came out 15 years ago, before "twisted fairy tales" became the Mouse's only trick.
 
2013-07-12 03:28:50 PM  

baka-san: Mikey1969: . Thomas Jane was definitely the better of the two, though


WHat about this one?

[mariolikesmovies.com image 520x715]


That's what I meant when I said 'Better of the Two'. Did they try that movie a third time that I didn't know about? Wow... The Lundgren one was OK in the days before constant remakes and reboots because I thought that was the best we were going to get.
 
2013-07-12 03:30:20 PM  
Sorry everyone.

To each their own, but I thought Three Amigos sucked donkey balls.
 
2013-07-12 03:32:27 PM  

Mikey1969: baka-san: Mikey1969: . Thomas Jane was definitely the better of the two, though


WHat about this one?

[mariolikesmovies.com image 520x715]

That's what I meant when I said 'Better of the Two'. Did they try that movie a third time that I didn't know about? Wow... The Lundgren one was OK in the days before constant remakes and reboots because I thought that was the best we were going to get.


You didn't know about this rancid, festering, cesspool of a movie?

ecx.images-amazon.com
 
2013-07-12 03:33:10 PM  

Mikey1969: baka-san: Mikey1969: . Thomas Jane was definitely the better of the two, though


WHat about this one?

[mariolikesmovies.com image 520x715]

That's what I meant when I said 'Better of the Two'. Did they try that movie a third time that I didn't know about? Wow... The Lundgren one was OK in the days before constant remakes and reboots because I thought that was the best we were going to get.


ecx.images-amazon.com

/It was soooo bad
 
2013-07-12 03:33:33 PM  

Mikey1969: That's what I meant when I said 'Better of the Two'. Did they try that movie a third time that I didn't know about? Wow..


Yep!
 
2013-07-12 03:33:40 PM  

trekkiecougar: I LIKE the movie Battlefield Earth.  I have the book, it was in my late Mom's library.  I'll get around to reading it someday, to see how far the movie strayed from the book.


I haven't read 'Battlefield Earth', but I've read a bunch of his 'Mission Earth' series. If B.E. is anything like those, let me give you two warnings:

1:

He

likes

to

have

a

lot

of

page

breaks

Seriously, it's like a book version of DailyMail format.... One, maybe two sentences, a double space, another sentence, a double space. Lather, rinse repeat.

2: HE LIKES TO TYPE ENTIRE SENTENCES IN ALL CAPS!!!!! Anything tense is written in all caps, sometimes every fourth sentence.

The Mission Earth books I read were kind of fun in a cheesy Sci-Fi kind of way, but getting a paragraph per page, and all of the Caps finally turned me off...
 
2013-07-12 03:35:27 PM  

SirTanon: Mikey1969: baka-san: Mikey1969: . Thomas Jane was definitely the better of the two, though


WHat about this one?

[mariolikesmovies.com image 520x715]

That's what I meant when I said 'Better of the Two'. Did they try that movie a third time that I didn't know about? Wow... The Lundgren one was OK in the days before constant remakes and reboots because I thought that was the best we were going to get.

You didn't know about this rancid, festering, cesspool of a movie?

[ecx.images-amazon.com image 350x500]


No, Jesus, how can they fark this movie up so much? It's one of the easier ones to make. Revenge is pretty easy.
 
2013-07-12 03:36:43 PM  

baka-san: Mikey1969: That's what I meant when I said 'Better of the Two'. Did they try that movie a third time that I didn't know about? Wow..

Yep!


Truly astounding that they have tried and failed 3 times on this premise...
 
2013-07-12 03:38:09 PM  

Mikey1969: The Mission Earth books I read were kind of fun in a cheesy Sci-Fi kind of way, but getting a paragraph per page, and all of the Caps finally turned me off...


It's the only way they could have turned that pile of festering crap into a "decology". Should have been a single $1.75 mass-market paperback.
 
2013-07-12 03:39:02 PM  

under a mountain: [theseconddisc.files.wordpress.com image 450x270]

What's going on in this thread?


You're dead to me.
 
2013-07-12 03:42:58 PM  

Mangoose: No Holds Barred was a fantastic movie.


Youre thinking "No Holes Barred".

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0381452/

Gauge, Taylor Rain and one of my all time favs Sophie Evans.  Hells yes.
 
2013-07-12 03:50:58 PM  

squegeebooo: What about that crazy Sean connery movie, with the floating head and the red diaper outfit. Zardoz?


Zardoz is a conundrum. Long parts of it are boring as hell, but then it's puntcuated by moments of terribad beauty. The "penis is evil" monologue from the giant stone Marx head, for one. Or the "Sean Connery learns everything in the world" montage. Also, there's lots of boobs throughout. Although many of them belong to suspiciously youthful-looking actresses (the director apparently had his niece topless somewhere in the movie).

Or, to put it another way:

i182.photobucket.com

"Here's an off-beat cult movie with Sean Connery in it."

"That's good!"

"He wears go-go boots and a red diaper throughout most of it."

"That's bad."

"But it's got talking stone idols that spew guns!"

"That's good!"

"The movie ends with Sean Connery staring at the camera while wearing a green elf costume, until he eventually gets old and turns into a skeleton."

"..."

"That's bad."

"Can I go now?"
 
2013-07-12 03:56:53 PM  

Rwa2play: wiwille: Gene Hackman:

[i2.listal.com image 600x803]

No, that whole farking movie is a true Delroy Lindo.  As in: "I've seen better film on teeth."


Hey now, what do you have against Delroy Lindo?  I've only seen him in a few films, all supporting roles, but I thought he turned in decent performances each time.  The crime movie with Gene Hackman was pretty damn good.  (And featured nonstop one-liners out of a script by David Mamet, no less.)

/are you kidding, she could talk her way out of a sunburn!
 
2013-07-12 03:58:14 PM  
ecx.images-amazon.com
 
2013-07-12 04:10:30 PM  
Plan 9 not mentionable?
 
2013-07-12 04:15:19 PM  

SirTanon: Mikey1969: baka-san: Mikey1969: . Thomas Jane was definitely the better of the two, though


WHat about this one?

[mariolikesmovies.com image 520x715]

That's what I meant when I said 'Better of the Two'. Did they try that movie a third time that I didn't know about? Wow... The Lundgren one was OK in the days before constant remakes and reboots because I thought that was the best we were going to get.

You didn't know about this rancid, festering, cesspool of a movie?

[ecx.images-amazon.com image 350x500]


It's bad, but there are bright spots - McNulty as Jigsaw, but with the worst fake accent of all time (of all time!); LBJ has one or two good scenes; the wineglass throat-slash; and the gratuitous deaths that make silly action movies fun.

// there are bad parts, too
// I recommend giving it a try, especially if you're the type - like me - who always irrationally likes "superhero" movies (Daredevil, GL, the X-Mens...pretty much all of them except Superman Returns, Spiderman 3, Batman Forever and B&R)
// Jane/Travolta is still way better
 
2013-07-12 04:16:43 PM  

Summer Glau's Love Slave: 3rd Matrix movie.

/First one had so much promise.


THIS. It's been a while since I was disappointed as hard as I was by the conclusion to the Matrix trilogy.
 
2013-07-12 04:36:29 PM  
scottydoesntknow:

It's why I would never fault Raul Julia for Street Fighter as it was a way to spend time with his kids and make some money for his family before he died.

IIRC he knew his time was short and asked his kids what movie they'd like him to do out of a bunch of various offers.  They picked SF and dear Lord was he ever awesome in it.
 
2013-07-12 04:40:17 PM  

ferretman: [ecx.images-amazon.com image 509x721]


Not for nothing, but I thought it was a decent movie and doesn't belong in the list.
 
2013-07-12 04:52:01 PM  

ferretman: [ecx.images-amazon.com image 509x721]


Yeah, that was bad. Bad with a capital 'Q'. In other words, so bad that bad didn't describe it enough, and they had to add extra silent letters to give the word more 'oomph'.
 
2013-07-12 04:56:11 PM  

luidprand: TuteTibiImperes: Sybarite: Alicia Silverstone and Sigourney Weaver in "Vamps" (2012)

First, I don't think anyone has thought of Alicia Silverstone as a "huge celebrity" in well over a decade now. Second, I was wondering what ever happened to Amy Heckerling.

I think Krysten Ritter has more celebrity cache than Silverstone these days.  In fact, I think I want to see that movie now just because she's in it.

Amy Heckerling AND Krysten Ritter? How did I not hear of this earlier?


Same here. Also: Malcolm McDowell AND Wallace Shawn? OFF TO NETFLIX!
 
2013-07-12 04:58:20 PM  

squegeebooo: What about that crazy Sean connery movie, with the floating head and the red diaper outfit. Zardoz?


Oh no you didn't just insult the greatness of Zardos!

Any movie that starting dialogue is "The Penis is evil! The Penis shoots Seeds, and makes new Life to poison the Earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the Gun shoots Death and purifies the Earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth, and kill! Zardoz has spoken." is destined to be loved forever.
 
2013-07-12 05:13:35 PM  

Dr Dreidel: SirTanon: Mikey1969: baka-san: Mikey1969: . Thomas Jane was definitely the better of the two, though


WHat about this one?

[mariolikesmovies.com image 520x715]

That's what I meant when I said 'Better of the Two'. Did they try that movie a third time that I didn't know about? Wow... The Lundgren one was OK in the days before constant remakes and reboots because I thought that was the best we were going to get.

You didn't know about this rancid, festering, cesspool of a movie?

[ecx.images-amazon.com image 350x500]

It's bad, but there are bright spots - McNulty as Jigsaw, but with the worst fake accent of all time (of all time!); LBJ has one or two good scenes; the wineglass throat-slash; and the gratuitous deaths that make silly action movies fun.

// there are bad parts, too
// I recommend giving it a try, especially if you're the type - like me - who always irrationally likes "superhero" movies (Daredevil, GL, the X-Mens...pretty much all of them except Superman Returns, Spiderman 3, Batman Forever and B&R)
// Jane/Travolta is still way better


stream1.gifsoup.com

That scene in War Zone just never gets old...
 
2013-07-12 05:22:45 PM  

jbc: List fails without Denis Leary in "The Sandlot".


Even when trolling, there are just some lines you shouldn't cross.
 
2013-07-12 05:48:16 PM  

wjllope: Ed Norton - Death To Smoochy


death to smoochy is hilarious.
 
2013-07-12 06:06:39 PM  
Brian Blessed & Max Von Sydow in Flash Gordon.

/Yes they were both EXCELLENT in their respective roles.
//Queen was a perfect choice for doing the soundtrack.
///But Sam J. Jones should be deeply ashamed for his piss poor performance.
 
2013-07-12 06:15:03 PM  
Battlefield Earth was so bad, they re-edited it for home video. As bad as the DVD is, there is somewhere a version that is far, far worse. However, unlike the Star Wars Holiday Special, I have yet to see a copy online anywhere.
 
2013-07-12 06:18:14 PM  

DjangoStonereaver: Guns n' Farkin Roses: hugram: [3.bp.blogspot.com image 300x442]

bite your tongue!  Mars Attacks was awesome... ok, maybe not awesome, but certainly doesn't belong on a list with Battlefield Earth.

MARS ATTACKS could have been a classic, except that it is over-saturated with the foul stench of Tim
Burton's "I can fetishize crap retro media because I'm a BRILLIANT AUTEUR!" poseurness.


Bullshiat!  It was awesome!
 
2013-07-12 06:22:34 PM  

TuteTibiImperes: jbc: List fails without Denis Leary in "The Sandlot".

It's about good actors in bad movies, not bad actors in good movies.


+farking 1
 
2013-07-12 06:39:00 PM  

Dr Dreidel: // Jane/Travolta is still way better


Agreed. I don't get the hate for the Jane version.
 
2013-07-12 06:40:22 PM  

Fuggin Bizzy: Summer Glau's Love Slave: 3rd Matrix movie.

/First one had so much promise.

THIS. It's been a while since I was disappointed as hard as I was by the conclusion to the Matrix trilogy.


I actually liked the end of the third Matrix movie.

Because it was the end.

How can you tell when a movie is truly bad? When it doesn't even make it onto bad movie lists.
i2.cdnds.net

So much promise, so much potential...
 
2013-07-12 07:04:07 PM  
The third Matrix had the ending set up in the first one. You can't really have a Christ figure without the whole crucifixion thing. It'd be like having a tv show where everyone starts out dead in a mysterious land and NOT have it be Purgatory. Or a retelling of the Mormon migration where angels aren't guiding them along.

Seriously, people.
 
2013-07-12 07:40:19 PM  

Mikey1969: Holy Fark people, you want to know why movie 'A' or movie 'B' isn't on the list? Watch the footage from The Conqueror, it should take up all 7 positions itself. Seriously, John Wayne as Genghis Kahn, without bothering to lose the 'Aw, Shucks, ma'am' drawl? NO other movie with good actors can be this bad.


Not to mention the film was so bad, it caused a large portion of the cast to develop cancer.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Conqueror_(film)
 
2013-07-12 07:47:28 PM  

Sybarite: Alicia Silverstone and Sigourney Weaver in "Vamps" (2012)

First, I don't think anyone has thought of Alicia Silverstone as a "huge celebrity" in well over a decade now. Second, I was wondering what ever happened to Amy Heckerling.


Third, the movie got 50% at RottenTomatoes. That's not terrible. Batman and Robin got 12%. That is terrible.
 
2013-07-12 08:37:20 PM  

fusillade762: Dr Dreidel: // Jane/Travolta is still way better

Agreed. I don't get the hate for the Jane version.


It was wasted potential. Jane is by far the best Punisher that's graced the screen, but Travolta just sucked. Tacking on the entire family massacre at the reunion to try and make it "extra evil" just made it corny to me.

If you've never seen Thomas Jane's love letter to The Punisher franchise, check it out: Dirty Laundry

/I'm sure you've seen it fusillade, it's more for others
 
2013-07-12 08:52:01 PM  
Anything with Will Smif.
 
2013-07-12 10:32:55 PM  
To me, there is a difference between a big budget movie that just doesn't jell, vs low budget schlock that hires a big name star so it makes its money back. Specifically, "Pluto Nash" was an Eddie Murphy tentpole vehicle from day one. Even with him, it grossed $7m on a $100m budget in 2002. So having Eddie didn't help. The movie "Best Defense" on the other hand was a complete POS, but by adding Eddie Murphy in an add in part at the last minute, it made 19M in 1984 (production cost N/A). So I'd say its more of a terrible movie with a star than "Pluto Nash" is.

It should really be about movies that conned the audience with a star who knew they were slumming for the paycheck, otherwise, this list should be filled with movies like "Ishtar" or "Jonah Hex"  that spent big $$ and still really tanked critically and box office wise.

/numbers from box office mojo
 
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