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(STLToday)   Elgin Illinois wants an ambulance that can handle 500 pound patients. Nothing a modified garbage truck can't handle. Fark: Slurpee ad pops over the article   (stltoday.com ) divider line
    More: Strange, Elgin, Illinois, Illinois cities, ambulances, patients  
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6900 clicks; posted to Main » on 10 Jul 2013 at 10:52 AM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



122 Comments     (+0 »)
 
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2013-07-10 10:38:49 AM  
Hey schlubmitter, I never got my Slurpee ad.  You owe me.

/not fat
 
2013-07-10 10:53:50 AM  
Obviously missing out on the lools of life due to adblock.
 
2013-07-10 10:55:30 AM  

blatz514: Hey schlubmitter, I never got my Slurpee ad.  You owe me.

/not fat


Maybe it's in the mail.
 
2013-07-10 10:57:56 AM  
2.bp.blogspot.com
This can help. Then you just need a hearse.
 
2013-07-10 10:58:22 AM  

UsikFark: blatz514: Hey schlubmitter, I never got my Slurpee ad.  You owe me.

/not fat

Maybe it's in the mail.


SWEET!

*waits at mailbox*
 
2013-07-10 10:58:49 AM  
Why don't they use one of those mobile slaughterhouse trucks?  If you can get a 1600 steer in it you can fit a 500 lb person.
 
2013-07-10 11:00:51 AM  
I got a Spartan Race ad.

I want my Slurpee.
 
2013-07-10 11:02:08 AM  
Lot's of mexican immigrants in Elgin... I guess.
 
2013-07-10 11:02:50 AM  
Fat Harry that lived across the street had a swarm of fire, rescue, ambulance and police vehicles on both sides of the street almost every weekend when he couldn't breath. A petite 650 pounder, those poor volunteers had to bring Harry out in a huge sling time and time again. The town grew tired of the expense and the complaints, put Harry in an assisted living center until he knocked off many hundreds of LBS. Sure as shiat, Harry plumped right back up again when he came home. RIP Fat Harry.
 
2013-07-10 11:03:04 AM  

blatz514: Hey schlubmitter, I never got my Slurpee ad.  You owe me.

/not fat


it's personalized ads. i got one for music software that i had just looked at.

which means, subby.. why you drinking so many slurpees?
 
2013-07-10 11:03:35 AM  

DubtodaIll: Why don't they use one of those mobile slaughterhouse trucks?  If you can get a 1600 steer in it you can fit a 500 lb person.


<Googles mobile slaughterhouse trucks>  JESUS CHRIST those are a thing!

/city folk
 
2013-07-10 11:03:46 AM  
Illinois city wants ambulance to hold 700-pound patients


is subby too fat to read the headline correctly?
 
2013-07-10 11:05:30 AM  
They just upped it to 700 pounds.
 
2013-07-10 11:06:03 AM  

Dead for Tax Reasons: Illinois city wants ambulance to hold 700-pound patients


is subby too fat to read the headline correctly?


Apparently.

They've got ambulances that can handle 500-pound patients... and they aren't enough, it seems.
 
2013-07-10 11:07:39 AM  
I used to be a "ward clerk" in the ICU. We had a guy SOOO FAT (How fat was he???)....

...The doctor told me to call around to Veteranarians to see if they had an X-ray machine that could hold his fat ass. Turns out, horses need x-rays too!
And yes, we then DID send that fat guy out to a veteranarian to get x-rayed. I hope it shamed him into losing a tiny bit of weight at least.
 
2013-07-10 11:07:41 AM  
When they have to call the fire department to get you onto an ambulance, doesn't that tell you something?

Like, "eat less food"?
 
2013-07-10 11:08:46 AM  

Dead for Tax Reasons: Illinois city wants ambulance to hold 700-pound patients


is subby too fat to read the headline correctly?


Subby needs a typing wand.
 
2013-07-10 11:08:54 AM  
img2-2.timeinc.net
 
2013-07-10 11:08:57 AM  
Why not use multiple trucks instead?
 
2013-07-10 11:09:38 AM  

learn2shoot: Why not use multiple trucks instead?


Humpty Dumpty isn't getting put back together again.
 
2013-07-10 11:11:13 AM  

AverageAmericanGuy: [2.bp.blogspot.com image 400x300]
This can help. Then you just need a hearse.


But then you have to buy a hearse that can hold a 700 pound body.  And the Ghostbusters charge extra for having to use a double-wide ghost trap.
 
2013-07-10 11:11:38 AM  
This is good because 500-pound people obviously care more about their health than most.  Could you be warm without clothes in freezing weather?  Could your body stop a bullet?  How famine-resistant are you?

Just remember, drivers, when your vehicle is suddenly 50% heavier, it's going to take longer to stop.  Maybe put one of these quarter-ton representatives of the new order in front of the entrance in case you overshoot.  They will absorb the impact and not even notice.  Could you do that, Ichabod?

Quit running around going nowhere, wasting energy and being selfish, and pick up a gallon of deep-fried pork rind ice-cream.  For 'murica.
 
2013-07-10 11:11:55 AM  
We've had patients that can't fit in some of the local ambulances, and my county has two HUGE ambulances.

I think our heaviest that I saw when I worked in the ER was 800 lbs. It was pretty scary because the cot was only labeled for 650 and that was the biggest his county service had at the time.
 
2013-07-10 11:12:42 AM  

learn2shoot: Why not use multiple trucks instead?


Pfft, just burn the house down.  Easy, peasy, japanesey.

femgineer.files.wordpress.com
 
2013-07-10 11:12:48 AM  
photos1.blogger.com

"I just wanted to stop by and say thanks."
 
2013-07-10 11:14:10 AM  

dryknife: [img2-2.timeinc.net image 440x330]


Oh, so funny....I snorked.
 
2013-07-10 11:14:34 AM  

ArkPanda: AverageAmericanGuy: [2.bp.blogspot.com image 400x300]
This can help. Then you just need a hearse.

But then you have to buy a hearse that can hold a 700 pound body.  And the Ghostbusters charge extra for having to use a double-wide ghost trap.


4.bp.blogspot.com
You're right! We need to accessorize.
 
2013-07-10 11:16:52 AM  
no Harkonens yet?  Ok..

upload.wikimedia.org
 
2013-07-10 11:16:53 AM  
I used to work designing emergency equipment.  In the world of ambulance cots, they have what is called a bariatric cot for the fatties.  They get winched up a ramp to get into these ambulances.  I always thought they should just tow them behind the ambulance.
 
2013-07-10 11:17:25 AM  
Can't they just use casino boat to float them down the river? Two birds one stone.
 
2013-07-10 11:20:04 AM  
I used to ride the train to Elgin with Ricky Herbert, who years later murdered his wife.  He was very thin.
 
2013-07-10 11:22:30 AM  
What a Fatty Ambulance might look like
seattletimes.com
 
2013-07-10 11:23:15 AM  

Combustion: I used to be a "ward clerk" in the ICU. We had a guy SOOO FAT (How fat was he???)....

...The doctor told me to call around to Veteranarians to see if they had an X-ray machine that could hold his fat ass. Turns out, horses need x-rays too!
And yes, we then DID send that fat guy out to a veteranarian to get x-rayed. I hope it shamed him into losing a tiny bit of weight at least.


That punchline's horrible...
 
2013-07-10 11:33:06 AM  

ArkPanda: AverageAmericanGuy: [2.bp.blogspot.com image 400x300]
This can help. Then you just need a hearse.

But then you have to buy a hearse that can hold a 700 pound body.


i.imgur.com
 
2013-07-10 11:39:48 AM  
Solution : Velociraptors.
 
2013-07-10 11:41:39 AM  

AverageAmericanGuy: [2.bp.blogspot.com image 400x300]
This can help. Then you just need a hearse.


Or send them to Moon Colony Gingrich, they'll only weigh 83 pounds there. Overeaters are part of the species too, you know.
 
2013-07-10 11:50:11 AM  
We just got new power stretchers and power stair chairs.  Capacity is 700 lbs for each, though the rep told me the stretchers have been tested at 1000 lbs.
I saw a fatty at the hospital taken out of a bariatric ambulance with ramps and winches.  it was sadgusting.
 
2013-07-10 11:56:18 AM  

simusid: We just got new power stretchers and power stair chairs.  Capacity is 700 lbs for each, though the rep told me the stretchers have been tested at 1000 lbs.
I saw a fatty at the hospital taken out of a bariatric ambulance with ramps and winches.  it was sadgusting.


Have the ramps and winches, 1700lb capacity in the down position. Our max every on it was 560
 
2013-07-10 12:00:54 PM  
elgin pretty ghetto
 
2013-07-10 12:03:44 PM  
No Slurpee ad for me. Maybe I can find a Slurpee on eBay.
 
2013-07-10 12:03:49 PM  
$32k in upgrades huh? Tell ya what, because you're a civil service I'll retrofit your entire fleet for $16k.

www.funnywarningstickers.com
 
2013-07-10 12:05:17 PM  

FuturePastNow: Dead for Tax Reasons: Illinois city wants ambulance to hold 700-pound patients


is subby too fat to read the headline correctly?

Apparently.

They've got ambulances that can handle 500-pound patients... and they aren't enough, it seems.


They're probably factoring in the weight of the ambulance driver and crew, and finding out that 500 pounds won't cover all that.

/If 500-pound humans are becoming so commonplace, why hasn't somebody invented an implant for them that lets them constantly shovel food into their mouths then drains the contents from the stomach into the sewer system or something? That's about the only "eat all you want, sit on your ass, and still lose weight" method I can think of that'd work for gluttons.
 
2013-07-10 12:07:59 PM  
The fire department there said they average transporting at least 1 500-lb. person a week?! I seriously hope that is the SAME 500-lb. person!

I'm all about being sensitive to peoples weight, but when you hit the 400+ pound mark all bets are off. We don't need to be "understand" and start designing medical equipment able to handle 1000-pounds to respect the person. They deserve humiliation and public ridicule. Throw them in the back of horse trailer and take them to the zoo for x-raying.

I'm tired of this "we need to respect EVERYONE notion". If they don't respect themselves why should I have to make up for it?
 
2013-07-10 12:08:50 PM  
2.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-07-10 12:11:55 PM  
this is the part of the story I find interesting:

"Councilman Richard Dunne retired last year after 25 years with the Elgin Fire Department. He says an ambulance was called at least once a week to transport a patient weighing about 500 pounds. "

do you suppose he goes by Dick?  Dick Dunne?
 
2013-07-10 12:14:03 PM  
Just genetically engineer a new species of wolves that only eat fat people and let them loose in the streets. That way humans have a predator to cull unfit members from the herd. Or just make soylent green a reality and give it to starving people in Africa.
 
2013-07-10 12:15:50 PM  

Richard C Stanford: Just genetically engineer a new species of wolves that only eat fat people and let them loose in the streets. That way humans have a predator to cull unfit members from the herd. Or just make soylent green a reality and give it to starving people in Africa.



No no, you were right the first time... then in the winter, the gorillas will simply starve to death.
 
2013-07-10 12:17:05 PM  

Sofa King Smart: this is the part of the story I find interesting:

"Councilman Richard Dunne retired last year after 25 years with the Elgin Fire Department. He says an ambulance was called at least once a week to transport a patient weighing about 500 pounds. "

do you suppose he goes by Dick?  Dick Dunne?


Councilman "Put the Fork" Dunne
 
2013-07-10 12:20:08 PM  
I remember when this guy was called fat:
image2.findagrave.com
 
2013-07-10 12:21:59 PM  

Richard C Stanford: Just genetically engineer a new species of wolves that only eat fat people and let them loose in the streets. That way humans have a predator to cull unfit members from the herd. Or just make soylent green a reality and give it to starving people in Africa.


You read Larry Niven?
 
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