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(Slate)   A velvet monkey's neon scrotum, you've already clicked   (slate.com) divider line 39
    More: Interesting, eggs  
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8577 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 Jul 2013 at 9:25 AM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



39 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2013-07-09 08:20:34 AM
That's a bad case of blue balls.
 
2013-07-09 08:39:58 AM
Velvet monkey's neon scrotum is the name of my Peter Gabriel cover band
 
2013-07-09 09:14:15 AM
Vervet monkey, subby.
 
2013-07-09 09:33:10 AM
A velvet monkey's
amazing neon scrotum
you've already clicked

Now it's proper Haiku.
 
2013-07-09 09:34:10 AM
Approves:

farm4.staticflickr.com
 
2013-07-09 09:39:28 AM
In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight!
 
2013-07-09 09:40:35 AM
Velvet Monkey and Neon Scrotum are both excellent band names.
 
2013-07-09 09:43:01 AM
There's nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's really quite breathtaking. You should try it.
 
2013-07-09 09:43:47 AM
Scrotes!
Roscoe Rules busts gut
 
2013-07-09 09:45:15 AM
A velvet monkey's neon scrotum sounds like the name of a Venetian Snares record.
 
2013-07-09 09:45:34 AM

orezona: Approves:

[farm4.staticflickr.com image 314x399]


Fixed?

i.imgur.com
 
2013-07-09 09:50:12 AM
A velvet monkey's neon scrotum, you've already clicked


One little letter makes a huge difference between interesting and disturbing
 
2013-07-09 09:56:40 AM

orezona: Approves:

[farm4.staticflickr.com image 314x399]


Maybe we should photoshop some neon balls in solidarity with the velvet monkey?


Langston: Velvet monkey's neon scrotum is the name of my Peter Gabriel cover band


You guys obviously open your gigs with "Shock the Monkey", right?
 
2013-07-09 10:05:49 AM

abfalter: Velvet Monkey and Neon Scrotum are both excellent band names.


Actually, any combination of those four words will work.
 
2013-07-09 10:17:12 AM

Dragonflew: abfalter: Velvet Monkey and Neon Scrotum are both excellent band names.

Actually, any combination of those four words will work.


Neon Monkey's Velvet Scrotum?

Velvet Neon Monkey Scrotum?

Neon Velvet Scrotum Monkey?
 
2013-07-09 10:18:23 AM

Langston: Velvet monkey's neon scrotum is the name of my Peter Gabriel cover band


Damn it, I was going to name my Genesis cover band that.
 
2013-07-09 10:33:04 AM
The great importance of:

si0.twimg.com

/I'm warming mine by the fire right now.
 
2013-07-09 10:52:38 AM

sbchamp: Scrotes!
Roscoe Rules busts gut


Well, I've learned a new word today: "scrotality."  Though my spell-checker doesn't seem to recognize it.

I'm somehow reminded of Mortal Kombat.
 
2013-07-09 10:56:26 AM

ciberido: I'm somehow reminded of Mortal Kombat.


It's in the next game. All of the characters have Scrotalities, wherein, well...the bits twixt the legs are torn out. They didn't have to do much for Kano's, though.
 
2013-07-09 11:17:43 AM
TLDR

However, I am curious now as to why the balls and scrotum hang outside the body if it's not for cooling as I had been led to believe......

Anyone read that whole mess?
 
2013-07-09 11:19:29 AM
I sincerely think this critter needs its own meme.

Kudos to Subby for the title which sounds like the signature cocktail of a Vegas nightclub. The Velvet Monkey's Neon Scrotum'. Hmmm. Yum.
 
2013-07-09 12:16:02 PM

Strik3r: TLDR

However, I am curious now as to why the balls and scrotum hang outside the body if it's not for cooling as I had been led to believe......

Anyone read that whole mess?


Mostly. Points of interest:
* There are branches of warm-blooded critters who get by fine with internal testes.
* There are branches of warm-blooded critters with their testes in front of the penis rather than behind.
* Do your balls hang low? Can you swing them to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow?
* Something about attracting a mate, but then why aren't all our balls bright neon?
 
2013-07-09 12:19:45 PM
Okay, anybody else think that Yoda wrote a Fark headline?
 
2013-07-09 12:28:58 PM

rwa2: Strik3r: TLDR

However, I am curious now as to why the balls and scrotum hang outside the body if it's not for cooling as I had been led to believe......

Anyone read that whole mess?

Mostly. Points of interest:
* There are branches of warm-blooded critters who get by fine with internal testes.
* There are branches of warm-blooded critters with their testes in front of the penis rather than behind.
* Do your balls hang low? Can you swing them to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow?
* Something about attracting a mate, but then why aren't all our balls bright neon?


I tried reading it. I got to the bottom of the first page and realized there were two more.  What I originally thought might be fascinating suddenly became really boring. I'm going to stick with the temperature explanation.
 
2013-07-09 12:39:12 PM
Vervet monkey, not velvet monkey.
 
2013-07-09 12:46:16 PM
hehpic.com
 
2013-07-09 12:48:52 PM
My grandma kicked me in the balls, once. Once!

/I know the quote isn't accurate.
//still works anyway
///fargin iceholes
 
2013-07-09 12:50:41 PM
Strik3r:
TLDR

However, I am curious now as to why the balls and scrotum hang outside the body if it's not for cooling as I had been led to believe......

Anyone read that whole mess?


Ok, lazy pants.  Some mammals have internal testes, therefore they didn't always need to be cool.  But for running or sprinting mammals, intra-abdominal pressure can get quite high (because of how the torso flexes during running) so the testes migrated to the outside to avoid pressure damage.  As the testes evolved to be outside the warmer abdominal space, they also evolved to optimally produce sperm at lower temperatures.  It's a pretty good theory that covers the facts well.  I assume cetaceans and pinnipeds re-evolved internal testes for reasons of streamlining.

tl;dr: God did it, His reasons are mysterious.
 
2013-07-09 01:04:57 PM
Strik3r

TLDR

However, I am curious now as to why the balls and scrotum hang outside the body if it's not for cooling as I had been led to believe......

Anyone read that whole mess?


I did. Rather interesting, actually, especially the part where Soccer players apparently never evolved the intelligence to wear cups in a game that involves a lot of kicking.

I've wondered why the scrotum is between the legs, an obvious target for any attacker and have heard of animals that tend to go for the scrotum first in a fight. Then again, I've also wondered why the reproductive organs of both sexes are located within such close proximity of the waste removal areas.

The latter fact seems to be in all mammals.

Granted the increased density of muscular and skeletal structures in the pelvis region give added protection bu for humans, who walk and tend to fight upright, this protection is limited by a full frontal exposure. Plus, especially with males, a direct blow to the scrotum causes agonizing pain, which can cause the victim to loose a fight rather abruptly. A hard enough blow there can also kill the male.

Look at skateboarders. Inevitably the alpha males who do the most dangerous tricks are going to mash their gonads time and time again. The possibility of sterilization is high due to damage. Then the 'professional' bicycle riders tend to crimp and damage an artery which runs above the scrotum, feeds blood to the testicular structures and is located in just the right place for the horn of a bicycle seat to apply pressure.

A guy can survive the loss of his testicals, but from the view of evolution, that makes him useless and a dead end. So why place such an important structure out where it faces increased harm with little protection?

The scrotum itself is not much more than a skin sack. A woman's breasts are more complex. Tougher also. The gonads themselves are attached to the body by mainly the spermatic ducts (tubes).

(I once had to treat a man whose scrotum had been eaten open by a nasty case of the clap. It also sterilized him. Each time I removed the bandages to remove dead tissue and apply medication, his balls tended to drop out and I had to tuck them back in. I got a real good look at the spermatic ducts.)

However, most animals with internal storage require a penis bone to facilitate an erection for copulation. Humans don't.

Here again, in the human male, the sponge-like tissue that allows the penis to become erect can be damaged by a sharp blow. The location of the penis, right in front of the scrotum, means it's easily vulnerable to an attack between the legs. Not to mention the process which enables the penis to become erect is a rather complicated one that can fail if any of a couple of structures are injured.

Say, like by a powerful kick between the legs when playing soccer.

Testicals can be ruptured by a powerful enough impact. That tends to render the complex organ useless for reproduction.

In contrast, the female ovaries are shielded by layers of muscle and bone. Any impact strong enough to damage them would no doubt cripple the woman in the process or kill her.

Then again, the male has testosterone, which makes him aggressive and strong. Every place else on his body is shielded in some way. Perhaps hanging his reproductive organs out there in the wind is natures way of culling the herd. A weaker but smarter male might realize that hitting someone the size of a linebacker in the pills can debilitate them enough to crack their skull with a rock. Plus males with too aggressive and risky behavior have a higher chance of loosing their 'nads and thus their ability to reproduce.

There's enough videos on YouTube where you can see the possibility of this by watching assorted guys crack their nuts doing stupid things.

Skateboarders learning tricks really need to wear cups -- but most refuse to wear helmets or elbow and knee guards so maybe it's natures way to prevent the stupid from breeding.
 
2013-07-09 01:44:17 PM
Subby apparently never heard of copy/paste. Correct spelling of "vervet" staring him in the face, like a pair of teal balls.
 
2013-07-09 02:12:28 PM

Strik3r: TLDR

However, I am curious now as to why the balls and scrotum hang outside the body if it's not for cooling as I had been led to believe......

Anyone read that whole mess?


They hang down there for ready licking access
 
2013-07-09 02:53:52 PM

Rik01: A guy can survive the loss of his testicals, but from the view of evolution, that makes him useless and a dead end. So why place such an important structure out where it faces increased harm with little protection?


That's a simplistic (and evidently inaccurate) idea of how evolution works, similar to the "homosexuality is an evolutionary dead end" argument.  There are many ways in which an animal which cannot itself procreate is still of value to its community.  Look at worker ants, for example.  Or if you'd like a fictional example with humans, look at the Pak Protectors of Larry Niven's Known Space.

Real-life examples with humans are any society in which humans past their reproductive years still contribute something to the society they live in.
 
2013-07-09 03:10:51 PM
yeehaw copy that you sumbiatch pile of monkeynuts.
 
2013-07-09 06:05:28 PM
 
2013-07-09 06:43:42 PM
"Velvet Monkey Neon Scrotum" was probably my all time favorite 90's anime.
 
2013-07-09 08:33:46 PM

twfeline: Subby apparently never heard of copy/paste. Correct spelling of "vervet" staring him in the face, like a pair of teal balls.


I would like to see you try that while on Ambien. I barely recall submitting the link.
 
2013-07-09 08:39:58 PM
This is the best article in the whole world to just pick a random sentence to quote of context.

For example:

I say snack, but the world record-holders, right whales, have testicles that tip the scales at more than 1,000 pounds apiece.

and

I had three minutes with the esteemed evolutionary biologist [Richard Dawkins] at a book signing, so I asked him for his opinions on the scrotum .
 
2013-07-09 09:39:33 PM
Why would a goalie not wear a cup? I understand that other positions might think it slows them down.
 
2013-07-09 10:03:46 PM

PizzaJedi81: Dragonflew: abfalter: Velvet Monkey and Neon Scrotum are both excellent band names.

Actually, any combination of those four words will work.

Neon Monkey's Velvet Scrotum?

Velvet Neon Monkey Scrotum?

Neon Velvet Scrotum Monkey?


In fact any combination of only two of those words is not bad:

Neon Monkey
Velvet Monkey
Monkey Scrotum
Velvet Scrotum
Neon Scrotum

Only "velvet neon" or "neon velvet" aren't so good, although they have some pyschedelic implications perhaps.
 
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