Do you have adblock enabled?
 
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Daily Mail)   Neighbor calls police after hearing a woman scream 'Stop No'. What did police find when they got there. A) the woman's boyfriend beating her. B) The boyfriend stealing from her. C) The boyfriend passing gas   (dailymail.co.uk ) divider line
    More: Amusing, Texas High School, Levi Strauss, WWJ, soccer referee, Harry Anderson  
•       •       •

8712 clicks; posted to Main » on 07 Jul 2013 at 2:43 AM (3 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



60 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2013-07-07 12:24:06 AM  
Thank god he wasn't watering his lawn, that's a shootin!
 
2013-07-07 01:00:40 AM  
Why not all three?
 
2013-07-07 01:01:54 AM  
This is why I live in the country

/the neighbors are too far away to hear the screaming
 
2013-07-07 01:06:43 AM  
Like the biatch has never had to fart.
 
2013-07-07 01:12:46 AM  

Somacandra: Like the biatch has never had to fart.


Women are incapable of farting and they never poop.
 
2013-07-07 01:30:08 AM  

NewportBarGuy: Somacandra: Like the biatch has never had to fart.

Women are incapable of farting and they never poop.


I heard they poop pearls and pee perfume but I don't have a link for that.
 
2013-07-07 02:48:26 AM  
Will the Farter is unimpressed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgdD4sUob4c">http://www.youtube.com/w atch?v=LgdD4sUob4c
 
2013-07-07 02:50:37 AM  
In my state they would have to arrest him anyway.
 
2013-07-07 02:51:50 AM  
I'm glad none of the date nights with my g/f ever ended like this.  We've had some epic Dutch-oven wars.

And therwith spak this clerk, this absolon,
Spek, sweete bryd, I noot nat where thou art.
This nicholas anon leet fle a fart,
As greet as it had been a thonder-dent,
That with the strook he was almoost yblent;
 
2013-07-07 02:59:18 AM  
Was it just a loudish "stop no" or a true bonechilling he is going to murder me with intestinal gas scream?
 
2013-07-07 03:02:28 AM  
Why is Fark so far behind Reddit on these things? It was a non story thing 2 days ago there too.
 
2013-07-07 03:04:31 AM  
My wife has given an ultimatum over my gas. I am no longer to pass while we are eating or while she is eating, in front of her family or friends. I no longer have the pass to pass gas......... :(
 
2013-07-07 03:08:05 AM  

Son_of_Jor-El: Why is Fark so far behind Reddit on these things? It was a non story thing 2 days ago there too.


It was also a non story thing HERE two days ago, with a better headline to boot.
 
2013-07-07 03:08:10 AM  
and this was definitely one for the books,' Anderson said.

Well thanks for your discretion, professional gentlemen.
 
2013-07-07 03:12:18 AM  
Neighbor below me once called the cops over my boyfriend yelling, cussing and stomping.

He was losing a video game.
 
2013-07-07 03:15:41 AM  
Yeah, that's bad... but

CSB: I was working nights at the time, and while I was asleep I heard this foghorn of a fart. I woke up to laugh at mrs vertdang (who of course, would NEVER ever fart) but it turns out it was still the middle of the day, and I was in bed all by myself.

I farted myself awake.

/true story
 
2013-07-07 03:21:48 AM  
Back when I was married and living in Denver (circa 1992), I got drunk with the wife and I hit the rack early as I was a stock broker and got up quite early. I am a heavy sleeper and hit the mattress by 10:00.
The wife was trying to dial 411 to get the phone number of an old friend but dialed 911 by mistake so she hung up.
911 called her back to see why the call was made and she insisted everything was okay, but they sent two patrol officers by the house. When they arrived they asked if they could do a walk-through to ensure everything was okay.
I was face-up on top of the covers (summertime) when they hit the master bedroom.
I slept through the entire incident.
 
2013-07-07 03:25:28 AM  

Vertdang: Yeah, that's bad... but

CSB: I was working nights at the time, and while I was asleep I heard this foghorn of a fart. I woke up to laugh at mrs vertdang (who of course, would NEVER ever fart) but it turns out it was still the middle of the day, and I was in bed all by myself.

I farted myself awake.

/true story


I've woken myself up with both sound and smell. One day, Fark will have a story about me and my farts. Most likely when my wife kills me for it.
 
2013-07-07 03:31:01 AM  
Womans poop is pelletized like a rabbits or deer, and they don't have to wipe.
 
2013-07-07 03:37:19 AM  
It is a man's inalienable right to fart in his own home.
 
2013-07-07 03:39:21 AM  

NewportBarGuy: Women are incapable of farting and they never poop.


This.

I don't think I'd care to live in a world where women poop.
 
2013-07-07 03:39:21 AM  

Vertdang: Yeah, that's bad... but

CSB: I was working nights at the time, and while I was asleep I heard this foghorn of a fart. I woke up to laugh at mrs vertdang (who of course, would NEVER ever fart) but it turns out it was still the middle of the day, and I was in bed all by myself.

I farted myself awake.

/true story


I once woke myself up from snoring so loudly.
 
2013-07-07 03:41:28 AM  
One night backed up naked butt to butt with my then wife I felt a giant rumble and I knew if I let it go there would be hell to pay, when I let it rip she jumped out of bed screaming thinking I shot her in the ass with a gun. It took her a couple minutes to realize she wasn't shot with nothing more
then gas, needless to say I was on the floor laughing.
She is now my ex of course but that wasn't the only reason.
 
2013-07-07 03:44:06 AM  
4 years between visits to Ireland, gallons of Guinness consumed, explosive-eyewatering-sulphurous-hilarious-blazing saddles-room clearing-no cops called. i love my wife.
 
2013-07-07 03:48:23 AM  

TAOCHOW: One night backed up naked butt to butt with my then wife I felt a giant rumble and I knew if I let it go there would be hell to pay, when I let it rip she jumped out of bed screaming thinking I shot her in the ass with a gun. It took her a couple minutes to realize she wasn't shot with nothing more
then gas, needless to say I was on the floor laughing.
She is now my ex of course but that wasn't the only reason.


extremely funny, but way too much information
 
2013-07-07 03:53:31 AM  
It's the fart game. You'll play it someday.
 
2013-07-07 03:54:03 AM  
Now witness the flatulence of this fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL battle station!
 
2013-07-07 03:55:16 AM  

Vertdang: I farted myself awake.


You woke yourself up?

media.tumblr.com
 
2013-07-07 03:57:22 AM  
I'd bet the man couldn't be prouder, and he'll spend the rest of his days sharing this story with anyone he meets.

"You think your farts are bad? I ripped such a monster blast one night, my girlfriend started screaming and the neighbors called the cops! I got a copy of the incident report, had it framed, and it hung in my den for almost two weeks, until I fired off another trouser burp and set the walls on fire."
 
2013-07-07 05:07:51 AM  

TAOCHOW: One night backed up naked butt to butt with my then wife I felt a giant rumble and I knew if I let it go there would be hell to pay, when I let it rip she jumped out of bed screaming thinking I shot her in the ass with a gun. It took her a couple minutes to realize she wasn't shot with nothing more
then gas, needless to say I was on the floor laughing.
She is now my ex of course but that wasn't the only reason.


All the men are laughing.  All the women are thinking, "you're an asshole."
 
2013-07-07 05:19:03 AM  

Vertdang: Yeah, that's bad... but

CSB: I was working nights at the time, and while I was asleep I heard this foghorn of a fart. I woke up to laugh at mrs vertdang (who of course, would NEVER ever fart) but it turns out it was still the middle of the day, and I was in bed all by myself.

I farted myself awake.

/true story


My ex-boyfriend once let out such a noxious fart in the middle of the night that the smell woke me.

Tonight my own farts smell like overcooked asparagus.  Which is odd because I haven't eaten asparagus in years.
 
2013-07-07 05:34:09 AM  
if u beat your gf at a game of chess is it still called "beating" her?  and is it a krime

upload.wikimedia.org
 
2013-07-07 06:06:03 AM  

Bucky Katt: It is a man's inalienable right to fart in his own home.


It's right there in the Constitution. Or maybe it's the Bible. Or something.
 
2013-07-07 06:57:28 AM  
It's time to review your fiber intake....
 
2013-07-07 07:11:49 AM  
Her boyfriend is a legendary Bond villian?
 
2013-07-07 07:14:27 AM  

Coastalgrl: It's time to review your fiber intake....


Modem-Mutt - Sugar Coated Cyber Flakes

bilbo.bio.purdue.edu

"Download a bowl into your stomach today kids! It's good to the last mega-byte! And that's free surfing in fiber-space"
 
2013-07-07 08:32:55 AM  

mr_larry: Back when I was married and living in Denver (circa 1992), I got drunk with the wife and I hit the rack early as I was a stock broker and got up quite early. I am a heavy sleeper and hit the mattress by 10:00.
The wife was trying to dial 411 to get the phone number of an old friend but dialed 911 by mistake so she hung up.
911 called her back to see why the call was made and she insisted everything was okay, but they sent two patrol officers by the house. When they arrived they asked if they could do a walk-through to ensure everything was okay.
I was face-up on top of the covers (summertime) when they hit the master bedroom.
I slept through the entire incident.


Drunk, naked and passed out and you somehow didn't get arrested?  This doesn't sound like it happened in the US.

The biggest news out this story isn't the gas, it's the fact a neighbor in Detroit was concerned enough to call in a domestic violence and the cops actually showed up.  This is huge, for next they may consider solving a crime or two.  This really surprised that this really did take place and we didn't use a NEWS FLASH tag.

I had a neighbor call the cops on me once, for using power tools and making a lot of noise in the middle of the day.  I was wearing a shirt, so I didn't get arrested.  Of course she reported it as a DV or they wouldn't have bothered.  By chance I had just went to get my wife from work and got home just ahead of the cops.  My wife was still in her work uniform when they asked if she was okay.  That neighbor is likely in a mental ward somewhere.  This incident was mild for her.
 
2013-07-07 08:48:38 AM  
stupid women love drama. stupid men love stupid women. stupid couples attract the police.
 
2013-07-07 09:14:44 AM  
I work in law enforcement. Similar thing happened once. Crashing sounds and lout noises. Neighbour called and we attended. Guy came to the door with a towel bulging in the wrong place. it went from a domestic to a plain noise complaint for loud sex. man...mood killer.
 
2013-07-07 09:20:01 AM  

KrispyKritter: stupid women love drama. stupid men love stupid women. stupid couples attract the police.


"Stupid women", isn't that a bit redundant?
 
2013-07-07 09:25:05 AM  

weirdneighbour: Womans poop is pelletized like a rabbits or deer, and they don't have to wipe.


Actually, mine is "pelletized" and I never need more than three squares of toilet paper per toilet episode.  In 95% of incidents, not a single brown spot will be found on the toilet paper even after the first wipe.  A roll of toilet paper could last me months.

My husband, on the other hand... Let's just say everything that emerges from his gastrointestinal region---farts, shiats, et al.---is both smelly and abundant.  The dude can go through a roll of toilet paper in less than a week.

****

Here's my CSB:

I dated this one dude for about five years.  We had a great relationship, including lots o' sexy time.  However, something about having sex with this particular guy lead to me getting constant urinary tract infections.  We both showered everyday, etc., so it wasn't the result of being dirty.  As a result, I was put on a prophylactic antibiotic, something I had to take every single day to keep urinary tract infections at bay.

These antibiotics wreaked havoc on my gut; I farted all the friggin' time, and they were disgustingly stinky farts (on par with my husband's farts) of the "silent but deadly" variety.

I once cleared out half of Cost Plus World Market by one particularly stinky butt bomb.  Like, people actually left the building.

The funny thing was, since I'm a well put-together white woman, no one suspected the fart originated from my arse.

\end{csb}

post script: Once I broke up with that guy and moved on to my husband, the urinary tract infections went away; I haven't had one since.  Go figure.
 
2013-07-07 09:37:17 AM  
I'm playing this in my kind as follows:
Guy rips one that peels the paint.
GF runs out of the room.
BF says "wait! There's one more!" Starts chasing GF around the house who is shrieking and laughing at the same time. BF corners GF and slowly comes closer and says "here it comes!" More shrieking and the overheard "no! Stop!"

Cue the scene to the neighbors calling the cops.


----
As for me, married a decade plus, the only times have ever cut the cheese in front of hubby (and vice versa) was when either party was asleep.
 
2013-07-07 09:43:20 AM  
Old story. Old money (one and six).

static.comicvine.com
 
2013-07-07 10:10:57 AM  

FizixJunkee: weirdneighbour: Womans poop is pelletized like a rabbits or deer, and they don't have to wipe.

Actually, mine is "pelletized" and I never need more than three squares of toilet paper per toilet episode.  In 95% of incidents, not a single brown spot will be found on the toilet paper even after the first wipe.  A roll of toilet paper could last me months.

My husband, on the other hand... Let's just say everything that emerges from his gastrointestinal region---farts, shiats, et al.---is both smelly and abundant.  The dude can go through a roll of toilet paper in less than a week.

****

H/i>


Oligofructose (FOS) will help to build up the non stinky bacteria. Big changes for the better in my husbands gut after a week on FOS tablets. Also, may help with weight loss, as the bactera in the mucus lining of the intestine improves with FOS and was shown to be correlated with improvements in insulin response in PNAS recently.
 
2013-07-07 10:14:48 AM  

NewportBarGuy: Women are incapable of farting and they never poop


I've been married for 10 years, and only twice have I heard my wife fart, both happened when she was asleep.  I still chuckle about those two.
 
2013-07-07 10:29:38 AM  

NewportBarGuy: Somacandra: Like the biatch has never had to fart.

Women are incapable of farting and they never poop.


They never fart because they don't shoot up long enough to build any pressure.
 
2013-07-07 10:42:06 AM  

JonZoidberg: I've been married for 10 years, and only twice have I heard my wife fart, both happened when she was asleep.


No gastrointestinal distress or sickness, ever?

FARTER, PLEASE
 
2013-07-07 10:44:51 AM  
In this thread: people still gullible enough to believe The Daily Mail.
 
2013-07-07 10:55:08 AM  

Somacandra: JonZoidberg: I've been married for 10 years, and only twice have I heard my wife fart, both happened when she was asleep.

No gastrointestinal distress or sickness, ever?

FARTER, PLEASE


Sure, but she goes into the bathroom and turns the fan on.  I always know when she is going #2 because she skips the closest bathroom and goes to another one.  Never said she doesn't fart; she just isn't as proud of hers as I am of mine.
 
2013-07-07 11:05:55 AM  
 
2013-07-07 11:42:05 AM  
Does the daily fail ever post current news or do they just sweep through and get any left over scraps each time?

Police Called To Investigate Fight About Flatulence July 3, 2013 2:20 PM
 
2013-07-07 12:24:07 PM  

geekbikerskum: I'm glad none of the date nights with my g/f ever ended like this.  We've had some epic Dutch-oven wars.

And therwith spak this clerk, this absolon,
Spek, sweete bryd, I noot nat where thou art.
This nicholas anon leet fle a fart,
As greet as it had been a thonder-dent,
That with the strook he was almoost yblent;


I'm glad someone classed this up with one of the first recorded fart jokes. And in Middle English, of course. This raised quite the debate in my English Lit class some years ago
 
2013-07-07 01:02:35 PM  

farkinglizardking: I'm glad someone classed this up with one of the first recorded fart jokes. And in Middle English, of course.


Because fart jokes are *always* funny.  And of course, Middle English--is there any other way to quote Chaucer?

(apparently, there is.  Most of the results of a Google search for "Miller's Tale" are renditions in Modern English.  Yuck.  I had to actually dig a bit to find Middle English.)
 
2013-07-07 01:14:05 PM  
Someone forgot there safe word?
 
2013-07-07 02:40:36 PM  
Came for Sir Cumference the Flatulent./leaves with a sad
 
2013-07-07 02:44:10 PM  
I'm surprised nobody has asked, so I will.  What's the boyfriend's fark handle?
 
2013-07-07 02:54:34 PM  
For you Farkers who are too lazy to Google "The Miller's Tale" in Modern English:

3804 And therwith spak this clerk, this Absolon,
And then spoke this clerk, this Absolon,
3805 "Spek, sweete bryd, I noot nat where thou art."
"Speak, sweet bird, I know not where thou art."

3806 This Nicholas anon leet fle a fart
This Nicholas immediately let fly a fart
3807 As greet as it had been a thonder-dent,
As great as if it had been a thunder-bolt,
3808 That with the strook he was almoost yblent;
So that with the stroke he was almost blinded;
3809 And he was redy with his iren hoot,
And he was ready with his hot iron,
3810 And Nicholas amydde the ers he smoot.
And he smote Nicholas in the middle of the ass.
 
2013-07-07 03:39:36 PM  
supportyourlocalgunfighter.com
 
2013-07-07 06:40:02 PM  
Is it really so farkin' hard to go to the bathroom first? The ex actually grinned and laughed as he'd leave the covers just after the most appalling dutch ovens and head off to the bathroom. Gas that doesn't smell is something else, but y'all know the difference.

/No, I didn't deserve it.
 
2013-07-07 09:26:08 PM  

offmymeds: For you Farkers who are too lazy to Google "The Miller's Tale" in Modern English:

3804 And therwith spak this clerk, this Absolon,
And then spoke this clerk, this Absolon,
3805 "Spek, sweete bryd, I noot nat where thou art."
"Speak, sweet bird, I know not where thou art."

3806 This Nicholas anon leet fle a fart
This Nicholas immediately let fly a fart
3807 As greet as it had been a thonder-dent,
As great as if it had been a thunder-bolt,
3808 That with the strook he was almoost yblent;
So that with the stroke he was almost blinded;
3809 And he was redy with his iren hoot,
And he was ready with his hot iron,
3810 And Nicholas amydde the ers he smoot.
And he smote Nicholas in the middle of the ass.


And at the wyndow out she putte hir hole,
And absolon, hym fil no bet ne wers,
But with his mouth he kiste hir naked ers
Ful savourly, er he were war of this.
Abak he stirte, and thoughte it was amys,
For wel he wiste a womman hath no berd.
He felte a thyng al rough and long yherd,
And seyde, fy! allas! what have I do?


The Miller's Tale is some pretty epic Farelly Brothers shiat.
 
Displayed 60 of 60 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
On Twitter






In Other Media
  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.

Report