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(Cracked)   Four things every modern man should be able to do   (cracked.com) divider line 207
    More: Obvious, fitness test, Lincoln Logs  
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21159 clicks; posted to Main » on 03 Jul 2013 at 1:32 AM (41 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-07-02 11:53:32 PM
Yay, a Cracked article that managed to make 2 pages out of a 4 item list. But on the subject at hand, you should actually be able to do those things before you leave high school - I'd say Jr. high but 8th graders don't have many opportunities to split a tab.
 
2013-07-03 12:03:23 AM
You gotta be f*cking kidding me

/two pages for that lame bullsh*t?
 
2013-07-03 12:04:31 AM
"Bring a woman to orgasm" doesnt even make the list? FFS its never been easier to do extensive research on this vital topic.
 
2013-07-03 12:05:38 AM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: You gotta be f*cking kidding me

/two pages for that lame bullsh*t?


You'd
 
2013-07-03 12:06:13 AM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: You gotta be f*cking kidding me

/two pages for that lame bullsh*t?


rather
 
2013-07-03 12:06:51 AM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: You gotta be f*cking kidding me

/two pages for that lame bullsh*t?


have
 
2013-07-03 12:07:08 AM
Making a fire: does it count if you have a lighter?
 
2013-07-03 12:07:32 AM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: You gotta be f*cking kidding me

/two pages for that lame bullsh*t?


four?
 
2013-07-03 12:11:03 AM

quickdraw: "Bring a woman to orgasm" doesnt even make the list? FFS its never been easier to do extensive research on this vital topic.


Non reciprocating oral sex.
 
2013-07-03 12:11:48 AM
Shouldn't everyone know how to split a check? Because it's farking easy & part of adult life?
 
2013-07-03 12:12:25 AM

Notabunny: MaudlinMutantMollusk: You gotta be f*cking kidding me

/two pages for that lame bullsh*t?

four?


No... I'd be ok with two if it wasn't such lame bullsh*t

/I guess I've just gotten so old that I forget every generation needs to have this sh*t explained to them
//I was hoping genetic memory would have asserted itself by now
 
2013-07-03 12:14:58 AM
i.imgur.com
 
2013-07-03 12:18:18 AM
IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:


If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:


If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'


If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
 
2013-07-03 12:19:40 AM

Di Atribe: Shouldn't everyone know how to split a check? Because it's farking easy & part of adult life?


No kidding.....round the total up to the next $20 to cover the tip and split.

So, a $47 bill gets rounded to $60 then split it 30 bucks each. The server gets a decent tip and no calculator needed.
 
2013-07-03 12:24:36 AM

quickdraw: "Bring a woman to orgasm" doesnt even make the list? FFS its never been easier to do extensive research on this vital topic.


Does buying her batteries count?
 
2013-07-03 12:28:05 AM

Beerguy: Di Atribe: Shouldn't everyone know how to split a check? Because it's farking easy & part of adult life?

No kidding.....round the total up to the next $20 to cover the tip and split.

So, a $47 bill gets rounded to $60 then split it 30 bucks each. The server gets a decent tip and no calculator needed.


Look at things.

Add them.

Pay your share.

Take the total & move the decimal to the left one spot.

Multiply by 2.

Tip.

Fin.
 
2013-07-03 12:31:35 AM
Well.
I can change a tire...
 
2013-07-03 12:41:56 AM
Real men don't read.
 
2013-07-03 12:43:47 AM
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
 
2013-07-03 12:45:46 AM

SilentStrider: Well.
I can change a tire...


I'm familiar with the process, but I have roadside assistance for that shiat.
 
2013-07-03 12:48:51 AM
"Make a sandwich" not on the list

/that's the woman's role
 
2013-07-03 12:50:07 AM
Take it in the butt is missing. Your list fails.
 
2013-07-03 12:50:11 AM
What I want men to do:

Fix things
Kill bugs
Scratch back
Move heavy things
Tasks involving wires
 
2013-07-03 12:54:55 AM

Di Atribe: What I want men to do:

Fix things
Kill bugs
Scratch back
Move heavy things
Tasks involving wires


How YOU doin'?

/those are pretty much the things I'm still up to
//might need advance warning for moving heavy things, though
 
2013-07-03 01:00:19 AM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Notabunny: MaudlinMutantMollusk: You gotta be f*cking kidding me

/two pages for that lame bullsh*t?

four?

No... I'd be ok with two if it wasn't such lame bullsh*t

/I guess I've just gotten so old that I forget every generation needs to have this sh*t explained to them
//I was hoping genetic memory would have asserted itself by now


There just aren't that many manly things men need to know how do any more. Who needs to know how to rebuild an engine, or split firewood, or plow a field, or shoe a horse? Sure, some guys can still do those things. But for most men today, daily manliness begins and ends with shaving, tying a windsor knot, and driving a manual transmission.
 
2013-07-03 01:05:52 AM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: //might need advance warning for moving heavy things, though


Just knowing how to move the heavy things is a good thing. And getting it done, of course.
 
2013-07-03 01:08:50 AM

Di Atribe: MaudlinMutantMollusk: //might need advance warning for moving heavy things, though

Just knowing how to move the heavy things is a good thing. And getting it done, of course.


I can get it done

/Just need time to work up to it
//about 4 beers should do
 
2013-07-03 01:11:23 AM
Hit the bowl with morning wood. Seriously, it ain't hard. Well, it is but... Oh jaysus.
 
2013-07-03 01:29:37 AM
Wow, doesn't take much to be a modern man.
 
2013-07-03 01:38:09 AM
Came for this, leaving having to do the job myself, like a real man...

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."

- Robert Heinlein,Time Enough For Love
 
2013-07-03 01:38:57 AM

Di Atribe: What I want men to do:

Fix things
Kill bugs
Scratch back
Move heavy things
Tasks involving wires


Reach things that are high up...just to round out this awesome list
 
2013-07-03 01:39:08 AM
#1. Dividing Up a Bill.

 If you invite a women to a dinner date that she wasn't suggesting, it's like inviting someone to your kid's birthday party, and then billing them for that slice of cake.

That whole idea should be the first chapter in a book titled "How Not To Get Laid".

There is nothing more romantic than pulling out a pen and paper to determine that she owes you 50 cents for the optional Bleu Cheese dressing.
 
2013-07-03 01:41:45 AM

Di Atribe: What I want men to do:

Fix things
Kill bugs
Scratch back
Move heavy things
Tasks involving wires


What does your man get?
 
2013-07-03 01:42:16 AM

naughtyrev: Yay, a Cracked article that managed to make 2 pages out of a 4 item list. But on the subject at hand, you should actually be able to do those things before you leave high school - I'd say Jr. high but 8th graders don't have many opportunities to split a tab.


Boys and girls both.

Next week: You too can emulate the elite few by managing to wash your hands after pooping.
 
2013-07-03 01:42:30 AM
Four things every modern man Human  should be able to do

FTFY, subby.
 
2013-07-03 01:42:32 AM
I'm a disgusting fatbody and I can do further than a mile.
 
2013-07-03 01:44:08 AM
I've never changed a tire and I'm not sure I could if I had to.

encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com
 
2013-07-03 01:44:46 AM

thisispete: IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!


Have this one framed and hanging on the wall.
 
2013-07-03 01:44:53 AM
#5 - Making a list of four things all on one page.
 
2013-07-03 01:46:51 AM

Di Atribe: What I want men to do:

Fix things
Kill bugs
Scratch back
Move heavy things
Tasks involving wires


Gonna agree with you on "Tasks involving wires."  Yeah...  I don't trust electricity when it isn't contained in some system that's supposed to work without me poking around in it.

I can move heavy things though!
 
2013-07-03 01:47:22 AM
I want to know what they posit but refuse to give their site traffic.  Can any brave soul summarize in a less than two page format? Run a mile?...whatevs
 
2013-07-03 01:47:23 AM
Hit a 5in circle with 10 rounds from a handgun, fired from a standing position, at a distance of 50ft, is mysteriously missing from the list.

/only item listed I have trouble with is the running
//I have a gun, why would I need to run a mile?
 
2013-07-03 01:48:24 AM
That read like it was stolen from a middle school student newspaper. All of that is basic shiat. Change a tire? Today I finished up changing my turbo, exhaust manifold, O2 housing, O2 sensor, and alternator. Car purrs once again. All new brake hardware is next.

/3 cars
//3 motorcycles
///Does it all myself
 
2013-07-03 01:48:28 AM
img19.imageshack.us
 
2013-07-03 01:49:11 AM
I can catch catfish from dusk till dawn, make my own whiskey and our own smoke too, grow good ole tomatoes and homemade wine, skin a buck and run a trout line.
 
2013-07-03 01:49:15 AM
CSS about changing a tire:

I'd just started school for auto mechanics. Fiancé and I had been dating about a month. We go to rehearsal for one of his bands, swanky neighborhood, park my car on the street. Come out of the rehearsal, and my right rear tire is gone. Completely missing. The drum is sitting on a rim that doesn't even fit my car (serious WTF moment there; you take my tire but leave a rim? It's like when a bunch of Canadians stole my California plates off my truck, but were polite enough to screw the personalized license plate frame back on--maybe they took the part about switching to guns seriously. Obscure?). The fiancé starts pacing about in a fury, "This is an outrage" type demonstrations, arm flailing and all. I calmly get out my toolbox and the jack, put the spare on, even taking the time to torque it correctly, since I happened to have my torque wrench with me. I get the whole thing done, and my fiancé is still steaming.

He looks at me and goes, "Oh, wow. You were fast. I guess you didn't need my help."

No, dumbass, you were doing quite well on your own there.

/no, for the record, I didn't expect him to change it, and it was kind of cool being the handy girl who can change her own, but omg a little more help than waking up the neighbors would have been fine
//also clocked a 6-minute mile in high school, with asthma, though no way she'd get anywhere near that time now. Could still do it, but not at that speed.
 
2013-07-03 01:49:27 AM
If you want to become a man, there's only one thing you need to do: Earn your own income and support yourself.

That's it.

If you can earn your own income, you're not dependent on some parent to take care of you. It means you're putting your own roof over your own head and food in your own mouth.

Starting a fire and changing a flat are things that you can have someone else do. But you can't make someone else support you if you are a man.
 
2013-07-03 01:50:16 AM
Even though it's tougher now than ever to say for certain what characterizes a man, there are still a few tacit rules by which all men live. So ladies, if you find yourself uneasily wondering whether your boyfriend, your son, your husband, or even your father can legitimately be called an adult, I have created this helpful checklist

Something about the way this entire thing is worded irritates me and this is where it starts going downhill.
 
2013-07-03 01:50:46 AM
Popular Mechanics did this list earlier and better.  Back in 2009 they made a list of 25 skills every man should know:

1. Patch a radiator hose
2. Protect your computer
3. Rescue a boater who has capsized
4. Frame a wall
5. Retouch digital photos
6. Back up a trailer
7. Build a campfire
8. Fix a dead outlet
9. Navigate with a map and compass
10. Use a torque wrench
11. Sharpen a knife
12. Perform CPR
13. Fillet a fish
14. Maneuver a car out of a skid
15. Get a car unstuck
16. Back up data
17. Paint a room
18. Mix concrete
19. Clean a bolt-action rifle
20. Change oil and filter
21. Hook up an HDTV
22. Bleed brakes
23. Paddle a canoe
24. Fix a bike flat
25. Extend your wireless network
 
2013-07-03 01:51:27 AM

quickdraw: "Bring a woman to orgasm" doesnt even make the list? FFS its never been easier to do extensive research on this vital topic.


I've never brought a woman to orgasm, but another guy?  I can do that all day long.
 
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