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(Westword)   Five cocktails only a dickhead would order   (blogs.westword.com) divider line 317
    More: Fail, industrial waste, pussies  
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19674 clicks; posted to Main » on 01 Jul 2013 at 5:07 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-07-01 03:41:07 PM
Old Fashioned is too much trouble to make?

Don't order a martini, because nobody stocks dry vermouth?

Martini == vodka?

This has been a useful article.  Now I know I never have to click that phenomenally stupid poser blog again.  EVAR.
 
2013-07-01 03:47:47 PM
If you think mixing drinks for money is too much work, you probably shouldn't be a bartender
 
2013-07-01 03:52:34 PM
Making an old fashion is pretty farking simple.
 
2013-07-01 04:22:46 PM
May as well not order a fajita at a busy restaurant.  Don't bother getting your steak cooked anything past medium rare.  Don't even pretend to want eggs benedict.  Denver omelet?  GTFO.  If your order, you precious snowflake you, that you are paying for and likely leaving a tip for, dares inconvenience someone -- whose entire paycheck is predicated on them serving food and drinks to order -- then surely you deserve the heaping of scorn so richly provided, for daring to expect to get the thing you want and paid for.

Ass!
 
2013-07-01 04:36:09 PM
Talk about Opinions are like Assholes.
 What kind of Asshole presumes to tell other people what to drink?
Oh Jenn Wohletz is that kind of asshole ... Well now we know!
 
2013-07-01 04:37:04 PM
If the bar is busy, you should probably avoid ordering any layered drink with more than 3 ingredients.

This:
i105.photobucket.com
Is a dickhead order
 
2013-07-01 04:37:46 PM
We get these articles all the time, all listing drinks you should never order.

Between all of them, I've learned that I can only ever order a neat scotch or a 10 buck beer.

Personally, I just genuinely enjoy the taste of a dirty vodka martini, and have for more than 15 years.  Don't think that makes me a dickhead.
 
2013-07-01 04:39:27 PM
I don't remember the last time I saw a bar that didn't stock Martini & Rossi dry vermouth. The stuff is cheap and keeps for eons because it's a fortified wine.
 
2013-07-01 04:40:36 PM
The whole state of Wisconsin thinks your attitude about Old Fashioneds as well as your blog sucks. NSFW language.
 
2013-07-01 04:51:51 PM

Nabb1: I don't remember the last time I saw a bar that didn't stock Martini & Rossi dry vermouth. The stuff is cheap and keeps for eons because it's a fortified wine.


Seriously. I drink a respectable number of martinis and I think I'm still using the same bottle of dry vermouth from five years ago.
 
2013-07-01 04:57:18 PM

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Nabb1: I don't remember the last time I saw a bar that didn't stock Martini & Rossi dry vermouth. The stuff is cheap and keeps for eons because it's a fortified wine.

Seriously. I drink a respectable number of martinis and I think I'm still using the same bottle of dry vermouth from five years ago.


Same here. And I still have a bottle of sweet vermouth I kept around because my father-in-law liked old fashioneds and he died a year ago.
 
2013-07-01 04:59:00 PM

criscodisco: Personally, I just genuinely enjoy the taste of a dirty vodka martini, and have for more than 15 years.


I'm with the author on "don't use top shelf booze if you're going to mix it with something," but the rest of his logic on the martini is specious at best.

Sliding Carp: Martini == vodka?


Under the Great Fark Martini Accords of 2006, Martinis are Gin and Vermouth, Vodka Martinis are Vodka and Vermouth. Both kinds can be served "dirty". All other "martini" drinks are not "martinis", but rather "drinks served in a martini glass." Please be mindful of the Accords, as many died defending what they believed to be true.
 
2013-07-01 05:06:31 PM
Angry Drunk Bureaucrat:

Under the Great Fark Martini Accords of 2006, Martinis are Gin and Vermouth, Vodka Martinis are Vodka and Vermouth. Both kinds can be served "dirty". All other "martini" drinks are not "martinis", but rather "drinks served in a martini glass." Please be mindful of the Accords, as many died defending what they believed to be true.

Strictly speaking, when the vodka martini first appeared, it was vermouth and equal measures of gin and vodka. The gin just got dialed back over time, much like the vermouth.
 
2013-07-01 05:11:25 PM
What does pronouncing people dickheads on the internet pay, these days?
 
2013-07-01 05:11:48 PM
What about about a single plum floating perfume served in a man's hat?

24.media.tumblr.com
 
2013-07-01 05:12:14 PM
Complain complain complain. Just because the bartender has to do a little bit of work makes you a dickhead? Order what you want cocktail drinkers.
 
2013-07-01 05:12:16 PM
Orange juice + vodak/gin/non spiced rum and I'm good to go but I've never been to a bar and only drink at home so what do I know?
 
2013-07-01 05:12:49 PM

Sliding Carp: Old Fashioned is too much trouble to make?

Don't order a martini, because nobody stocks dry vermouth?

Martini == vodka?

This has been a useful article.  Now I know I never have to click that phenomenally stupid poser blog again.  EVAR.


Seriously. Amazing waste of time and desperation to come up with content.
 
2013-07-01 05:13:25 PM
Here's the rub -- most bars don't even bother carrying dry vermouth, and the ones that do usually keep it somewhere out of easy reach and will just say "bucket-fark-it!" and make the drink without it, anyway.

I'm not sure if I've ever actually typed this on an internet message board in my life, but here goes:

LOLWUT
 
2013-07-01 05:13:29 PM

Sliding Carp: Old Fashioned is too much trouble to make?

Don't order a martini, because nobody stocks dry vermouth?

Martini == vodka?

This has been a useful article.  Now I know I never have to click that phenomenally stupid poser blog again.  EVAR.


Yea, I didn't make it to page 2, farking stupid article written by a whiny biatch.
 
2013-07-01 05:14:15 PM
TorqueToad: Seriously. Amazing waste of time and desperation to come up with content.

But.. he just said you're all dickheads!  On the internet!  He said so!  Instant authority and importance!  z0mg!  l00l!1  *fart*
 
2013-07-01 05:14:36 PM

Sliding Carp: Old Fashioned is too much trouble to make?

Don't order a martini, because nobody stocks dry vermouth?

Martini == vodka?

This has been a useful article.  Now I know I never have to click that phenomenally stupid poser blog again.  EVAR.


I'd say that the author of TFA is just very proud of his own stupidity.
Martinis are made with gin, Kangaroos are made with vodka (or you could call it a "vodka martini" if you're too drunk to remember that it's properly called a "kangaroo").

Martini: Gin and dry vermouth, 5:1
Dry Martini: Gin and dry vermouth, 7:1 to 10:1, anything more lopsided is a sign of asshattery.
 
2013-07-01 05:15:36 PM
Begs to differ:
http://www.theoldfashioned.com/

Also apparently my wife was being quite the dickhead every time she ordered a virgin cocktail during her pregnancy.

Troll blog is dumb.
 
2013-07-01 05:15:53 PM
vinegar and water
 
2013-07-01 05:16:18 PM
Agreed on the State of Wisconsin.  Every other person around here, regardless of age, orders an Old Fashion.  They are easy to make.

She sounds lazy.
 
2013-07-01 05:17:16 PM
I'll have a Brandy Alexander.

images3.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2013-07-01 05:17:39 PM
Nabb1: Same here. And I still have a bottle of sweet vermouth I kept around because my father-in-law liked old fashioneds and he died a year ago.

sweet vermouth in an Old Fashioned?

that's not an Old Fashioned.
 
2013-07-01 05:18:01 PM
Better not mess with my mai-tai-roa.
 
2013-07-01 05:18:20 PM
Vodak - any amount you damn please.
Tinned fruit in heavy syrup - some amount.
Cream or something creamy, maybe that spray cream - some amount.
Mix in a bowl or jug until it looks horrendous, drink, vomit.
 
2013-07-01 05:18:34 PM

Silly_Sot: Sliding Carp: Old Fashioned is too much trouble to make?

Don't order a martini, because nobody stocks dry vermouth?

Martini == vodka?

This has been a useful article.  Now I know I never have to click that phenomenally stupid poser blog again.  EVAR.

I'd say that the author of TFA is just very proud of his own stupidity.
Martinis are made with gin, Kangaroos are made with vodka (or you could call it a "vodka martini" if you're too drunk to remember that it's properly called a "kangaroo").

Martini: Gin and dry vermouth, 5:1
Dry Martini: Gin and dry vermouth, 7:1 to 10:1, anything more lopsided is a sign of asshattery.



Frowns upon your accusation of asshattery:
2.bp.blogspot.com
 
2013-07-01 05:18:45 PM

Hots_Kebabs: Nabb1: Same here. And I still have a bottle of sweet vermouth I kept around because my father-in-law liked old fashioneds and he died a year ago.

sweet vermouth in an Old Fashioned?

that's not an Old Fashioned.


I meant a manhattan. Damn, I'm tired.
 
2013-07-01 05:18:54 PM

criscodisco: We get these articles all the time, all listing drinks you should never order.

Between all of them, I've learned that I can only ever order a neat scotch or a 10 buck beer.

Personally, I just genuinely enjoy the taste of a dirty vodka martini, and have for more than 15 years.  Don't think that makes me a dickhead.


Neat scotch? Listen here Scrooge Mc Duck, making someone measure the amount of liquid poured into the glass is some bourgeois bullshiat. You order a draft beer and let him pour until their hand gets wet.
 
2013-07-01 05:19:58 PM
Apparently I'm a dickhead.  The Old Fashioned is a fine fine drink.  Daquaris should only be ordered at a bar that specializes in them, or poolside.  I will concur with lime flavored beer and virgin drinks.
 
2013-07-01 05:20:00 PM
Sugar, bitters and whiskey is a big deal?  I mean, I wouldn't do that to whiskey, personally, but.. if you like it, nifty.  And you should order it.  And get it.  With a smile.
 
2013-07-01 05:20:50 PM
All my life I was under the impression that bars sold drinks and that bartenders mixed and poured drinks. My mistake.
 
2013-07-01 05:21:18 PM

oryx: Complain complain complain. Just because the bartender has to do a little bit of work makes you a dickhead? Order what you want cocktail drinkers.


Ding ding ding.  If the drink is that much of a pain in the ass for you to make, bartender, refuse to make it.  And then do everyone else a favor and tell the manager or owner of the bar that you're refusing to make drinks for paying customers, so you can get fired and replaced with a different person that has no problem turning on a blender every so often.  If you're not up for that, shut the fark up and make my farking drink, you low-skilled, tip-grubbing whiner.
 
2013-07-01 05:21:46 PM
Someone once told me it was a dick move to order a Bloody Mary in the evening in a busy bar because of all of the set up required, but I quite enjoy Bloody Marys, and I tip well.

If ordering complicated drinks is a dickish thing, then what are bars for?  I can buy a bottle of good liquor and pour it neat for myself easily at home for a hell of a lot less than the cost of ordering that at the bar.  Bars exist to make things that you don't have the ingredients for at home or you don't feel like going through the trouble of preparing.
 
2013-07-01 05:22:17 PM
I'll lay five to one odds the author of this piece considers "Jaeger bombs" acceptable for grown-ups.
 
2013-07-01 05:22:43 PM

Sliding Carp: Old Fashioned is too much trouble to make?

Don't order a martini, because nobody stocks dry vermouth?

Martini == vodka?

This has been a useful article.  Now I know I never have to click that phenomenally stupid poser blog again.  EVAR.


THIS
 
2013-07-01 05:23:20 PM
A middle shelf vodka and olive brine is tasty.  If the bartender wants to get snooty, he can forgo the tip.
 
2013-07-01 05:23:34 PM
Hey, guise! What's going on in this thread? Bartender, can I get a triple rum runner watermelon kiwi shooter?
 
2013-07-01 05:23:37 PM

Nabb1: I'll lay five to one odds the author of this piece considers "Jaeger bombs" acceptable for grown-ups.


Yeah, my over/under on the age of this author is 19.
 
2013-07-01 05:24:32 PM

Elandriel: Don't bother getting your steak cooked anything past medium rare


Well, yeah.

Otherwise, bartenders don't typically get bent out of shape unless you ask for a drink that takes a ton of time to make.  They don;t care if you get bud light lime since it's just opening a bottle, and you could get a top shelf vodka and Dr. Pepper  with lemon for all they care. If it takes less time to make a drink than it takes to pour a Guiness, your bartender is not going to care in the least.  if he has time to care then he has time to make you a drink with a raw egg, muddled cucumber and a seared lamb shank back.
 
2013-07-01 05:24:35 PM
www.biography.com
It's brandy and milk, folks.
 
2013-07-01 05:24:44 PM
I am a dickhead and I will order a Negroni on occasion.  Someone might want to let the author know...
 
2013-07-01 05:24:44 PM

TuteTibiImperes: If ordering complicated drinks is a dickish thing, then what are bars for?


So people with fine arts degrees can stay off of federal assistance while they sneer at you for being uncool.  Sadly.  We need more fine arts.
 
2013-07-01 05:24:57 PM
How about an article only a dickhead would write?
 
2013-07-01 05:24:58 PM
If you are ordering four different crazy cocktails in a super crowded bar, then you better look good in a skirt. Oh and be sure to have your bartender split that on three different credit cards. Don't worry about it, you will be the first in line when you get back too.
 
2013-07-01 05:25:04 PM

valkore: oryx: Complain complain complain. Just because the bartender has to do a little bit of work makes you a dickhead? Order what you want cocktail drinkers.

Ding ding ding.  If the drink is that much of a pain in the ass for you to make, bartender, refuse to make it.  And then do everyone else a favor and tell the manager or owner of the bar that you're refusing to make drinks for paying customers, so you can get fired and replaced with a different person that has no problem turning on a blender every so often.  If you're not up for that, shut the fark up and make my farking drink, you low-skilled, tip-grubbing whiner.


Proper etiquette is not to order complicated drinks in a busy bar (especially if you're a guy). If it's not that busy, hey, knock yourself out.
 
2013-07-01 05:25:08 PM

Nabb1: I don't remember the last time I saw a bar that didn't stock Martini & Rossi dry vermouth. The stuff is cheap and keeps for eons because it's a fortified wine.


Noilly Pratt is the only real dry vermouth. And I feel it adds a nice flavor to gin or vodka.
/but I'm an ass
//but I will buy you drink if the conversation is good
 
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