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(New Jersey 101.5)   Detective: CSI is ruining our jury members because they're asking for crazy technology that doesn't exist   (nj1015.com) divider line 41
    More: Obvious, CSI, New Jersey  
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8294 clicks; posted to Main » on 28 Jun 2013 at 11:33 AM (41 weeks ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


Archived thread
2013-06-28 11:46:50 AM
13 votes:
www.lolwtfcomics.com
2013-06-28 11:43:11 AM
7 votes:
"This is the only security footage we got"
i.dailymail.co.uk

"That's ok, let me enhance"

www.abc.net.au

"GOT 'EM!"
2013-06-28 11:42:35 AM
5 votes:
You mean you can't enhance the reflection off a bald guy's head and get a plate number?
2013-06-28 11:46:24 AM
4 votes:
They'd have it if Torchwood would release it to the public.
2013-06-28 11:40:44 AM
4 votes:
ENHANCE! ENHANCE! ENHANCE!
2013-06-28 11:37:45 AM
3 votes:

AverageAmericanGuy: Maybe it's time to do away with the whole jury concept and just put a panel of judges in place to evaluate the evidence and arguments.

I've met my peers. I wouldn't trust them to decide on where to go to lunch, much less to determine my guilt or innocence.


Where do you want to go?

I'm fine with anything.

How about _______.

No, I don't like that place.
2013-06-28 11:35:49 AM
3 votes:
Maybe it's time to do away with the whole jury concept and just put a panel of judges in place to evaluate the evidence and arguments.

I've met my peers. I wouldn't trust them to decide on where to go to lunch, much less to determine my guilt or innocence.
2013-06-28 01:45:58 PM
2 votes:

Petit_Merdeux: Wodan11: It's actually STAR TREK's fault, for popularizing and making semi-mainstream the deus ex machina of using some whiz-bang science to solve plot twists.

Several cold cases were recently solved when the crime lab figured out how to reverse the polarity on the main deflector dish and then light up the cloaked evidence with an inverse tachyon beam after routing the full power of the warp engines through the plasma bypass.


You forgot to explain that using a simple analogy.

"Like putting too much air into a balloon!"
"Of course, it's so simple!!"
2013-06-28 01:08:01 PM
2 votes:

Ambitwistor: [www.lolwtfcomics.com image 366x1500]


My god, how fake that is.

I mean, Caruso and Sinise aren't even on the same damn show.
2013-06-28 12:52:14 PM
2 votes:

Koggie: I can make a  GUI interface using visual basic to track the killer's IP address if that will help.


That's one of my favorites...

Also:

(link goes to site homepage)

nedroid.com
2013-06-28 12:42:27 PM
2 votes:
i183.photobucket.com

Everyone knows that they can't put anything on TV that isn't real.
2013-06-28 12:01:14 PM
2 votes:

special20: ENHANCE! ENHANCE! ENHANCE!


Wait, is everyone saying this isn't real as well?

Enhance

ENHANCE! ENHANCE! ENHANCE!
2013-06-28 11:44:38 AM
2 votes:

Highroller48: .....*removes glasses*.....


Yeah, I know.  He puts them on, not takes them off.  I fail.
2013-06-28 11:44:37 AM
2 votes:
AverageAmericanGuy

Maybe it's time to do away with the whole jury concept and just put a panel of judges in place to evaluate the evidence and arguments.

I've met my peers. I wouldn't trust them to decide on where to go to lunch, much less to determine my guilt or innocence.


Very true. Maybe a session with the Torturebots will get us to the truth.

Torturebot: Asimov who? Let's get started.... Watch this!
i1.ytimg.com

I confess! I confess to everything since the Lindbergh kidnapping!
2013-06-28 11:42:56 AM
2 votes:
Just bring in David Caruso to wrap up every closing argument.

"So, ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, I'll just leave it up to your own.....*removes glasses*.....convictions."

"YYEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
2013-06-28 11:42:22 AM
2 votes:

special20: ENHANCE! ENHANCE! ENHANCE!


www.uproxx.com
2013-06-28 10:45:44 AM
2 votes:
4.bp.blogspot.com

I found a partial print from a bullet fragment and ran it through AFIS and it was a perfect match to our suspect.

/it doesn't happen like that? There aren't hot goth chicks in the science labs?
2013-06-29 12:06:57 AM
1 votes:
tenthmil.com
2013-06-28 02:14:23 PM
1 votes:

HAMMERTOE: As a juror, it's you solemn duty to doubt. Your go-to position should always be, "Innocent until PROVEN guilty." (Not "maybe guilty" or "probably guilty".) This means that any reasonable doubt at all should be grounds for acquittal. You are the last line of defense the Defendant has. The entire system, from the police, to the CSI, to the DA, to the Judge, are all on the same team. They hang out at the same bars, and work in the same building, and generally see each other every day. The Judge will always give the benefit of the doubt to any of the others. The Defense attorney will try to work the system, but the deck is generally stacked against him as well as his client. And, you can pretty much forget about a fair trial if it's a Public Defender. They always try to get the defendant to plea-bargain, even if they're not guilty.


FTFY.

Defendant: "Your honor, I was with the lizard people on Omicron Persei 8 at the time, and any evidence to the contrary was placed there by Santa Clause to frame me since I beat him at baccarat that one time in college."

You: "Seems legit."
2013-06-28 02:13:18 PM
1 votes:
But Snowden said they could pull recordings from all the cell phones in the area to play the sound of gunshots and triangulate where the shot came from.
2013-06-28 01:30:51 PM
1 votes:

Gunny Walker: They'd have it if Torchwood would release it to the public.


i1353.photobucket.com
2013-06-28 01:23:06 PM
1 votes:

Molavian: Koggie: I can make a  GUI interface usingvisual basic totrack the killer's IP address if that will help.

They're always class c addresses, so that helps.


Unless the hacker has been into the hard CIDR.
2013-06-28 01:02:37 PM
1 votes:

Wodan11: It's actually STAR TREK's fault, for popularizing and making semi-mainstream the deus ex machina of using some whiz-bang science to solve plot twists.


Several cold cases were recently solved when the crime lab figured out how to reverse the polarity on the main deflector dish and then light up the cloaked evidence with an inverse tachyon beam after routing the full power of the warp engines through the plasma bypass.
2013-06-28 01:00:37 PM
1 votes:

Jim_Callahan: Law and Order, the original one, apparently had it reasonably close to how crime-fighting actually works


I thought crime-fighting was done by guys in tights. Is that not the case any more?

cultur-ed.edforum.net

2.bp.blogspot.com

omelete.uol.com.br

www.hyperborea.org
2013-06-28 12:40:54 PM
1 votes:
It's actually STAR TREK's fault, for popularizing and making semi-mainstream the deus ex machina of using some whiz-bang science to solve plot twists.  Heck, Trek scriptwriters would just say "TECH" on the script, and then Michael Okuda would just make up some shiat for them.
2013-06-28 12:29:15 PM
1 votes:

Mikey1969: Aarontology: Haven't lawyers and judges been saying this for a while now?

People on juries keep asking for types of evidence not relevant to the case (DNA testing) for example.

THIS...

This isn't new news, I've been hearing this for at least 5 years now, I don't know why people still seem shocked by this.


"The NSA is spying on us?!?!"
"Reality shows are scripted?!?!"
"Politicians lie?!?!"
"He isn't a French model?!?!"
2013-06-28 12:27:41 PM
1 votes:

Koggie: I can make a  GUI interface usingvisual basic totrack the killer's IP address if that will help.


Move over, it'll go faster if I help *frantically types on half of Koggie's keyboard*
2013-06-28 12:26:30 PM
1 votes:

Mambo Bananapatch: strangeluck: Based on what I've read before, all of the tech they use on the show does technically exist, but in reality the stuff is unimaginably expensive, and a real police department wouldn't have even half of it.

Although I do question the DNA results back in under 5 hours thing on the show.

CSI was awesome when it first started. As far as I could tell they used normal real tech most departments would have, and had separate people doing all the various stuff like in a real crime lab. But then they slowly loaded down the show with super tech, and had the CSI's themselves doing damn near every lab function like a super scientist.

I'm waiting to see how long it is before they have the CSI's take over the medical examiners role as well.

[i.telegraph.co.uk image 620x387]
Over my dead body!


Quincy, FTW!

I attended an autopsy once in the late 1980s, and I kept thinking about the scene where Quincy got out of teaching a two hour class to a bunch of rookie cops by making them all throw up or pass out in 5 minutes.
2013-06-28 12:16:25 PM
1 votes:

strangeluck: Based on what I've read before, all of the tech they use on the show does technically exist, but in reality the stuff is unimaginably expensive, and a real police department wouldn't have even half of it.

Although I do question the DNA results back in under 5 hours thing on the show.

CSI was awesome when it first started. As far as I could tell they used normal real tech most departments would have, and had separate people doing all the various stuff like in a real crime lab. But then they slowly loaded down the show with super tech, and had the CSI's themselves doing damn near every lab function like a super scientist.

I'm waiting to see how long it is before they have the CSI's take over the medical examiners role as well.


i.telegraph.co.uk
Over my dead body!
2013-06-28 12:15:57 PM
1 votes:

Aarontology: Haven't lawyers and judges been saying this for a while now?

People on juries keep asking for types of evidence not relevant to the case (DNA testing) for example.


This is a link from NJ 101.5, the radio station that will make you long for the nuanced intellectual discussions
of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck.
2013-06-28 12:12:52 PM
1 votes:

weapon13: special20: ENHANCE! ENHANCE! ENHANCE!

Wait, is everyone saying this isn't real as well?

Enhance

ENHANCE! ENHANCE! ENHANCE!


Uncrop.
2013-06-28 12:08:17 PM
1 votes:
Officer Michaels: You know, this job though isn't how shows like CSI make it out to be, when I first joined the force, I was under the impression that everything was covered in a fine layer of semen. And that the police had at their disposal a semen database with every bad guy's semen on it. Not true!
Officer Slater: Yup
Officer Michaels: If only there was semen on everything, it would make our jobs easier...
Officer Slater: Hell, yeah!
Officer Michaels: I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything is covered in semen.
Officer Slater: I mean, who doesn't? It's like your wish that you could walk out of a room and just know where the semen was. You just know like Sherlock Holmes, if he was in his day, Sherlock Holomes, in his day... And this is a proven historical fact. Sherlock Holmes, when he was alive, knew where semen was.
Officer Michaels: Could smell it out like a rat.
Officer Slater: Smell it out. ANything
Officer Michaels: Like the crime scene today, if the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we'd have a real good shot at catching him...
Officer Slater: No way,
Officer Michaels: Just punched you in the face. No semen.
Officer Slater: Yeah, no semen. And that's the only way you can find DNA by the way, if it's in the jizz.
Officer Michaels: Semen. It's the best DNA, is in the jizz.
Officer Slater: I'm telling you right now, sometimes I just want to make you know, live in a world of semen. That's funny you say that because I feel the same same way...
Officer Michaels: It's true
Officer Slater: I would make semen snowballs...
Officer Michaels: It would just make our lives easier if everything was covered in semen.
Officer Slater: Yeah, no crime.
Officer Michaels: Just semen. fark, that'd be nice.
Officer Slater: I think we've exhausted this point. Sherlock Holmes, in his day, would look at you and say: "Five nights ago, Veronica Shear, USA Up All Night."
Officer Michaels: Four ounces.
Officer Slater: I know that, four ounces into your hand.
Officer Michaels: One time we found semen, one time.
Fogell: I thought you said you never found semen.
Officer Slater: One time we found semen, one time we found semen, we've got really excited, took it back to the lab, turned out it was Michaels' semen.
2013-06-28 12:03:16 PM
1 votes:

special20: ENHANCE! ENHANCE! ENHANCE!


"Just print the damned picture already!"


I think NTSF did a pretty good job summarizing this up:

Zoom in on the grainy security on one pixel of a person
Enhance the grainy security picture to the point of seeing his pores
Spin around so you can see his other side that was hidden form the camera
Pan down to his pocket
Look inside his pocket
Take the key inside that pocket and virtually try it on every lock in the city.
2013-06-28 11:53:11 AM
1 votes:
I thought they just called psychics like Miss Cleo to solve all the cases.
2013-06-28 11:52:43 AM
1 votes:

Koggie: I can make a  GUI interface usingvisual basic totrack the killer's IP address if that will help.


They're always class c addresses, so that helps.
2013-06-28 11:48:10 AM
1 votes:
I can make a  GUI interface usingvisual basic totrack the killer's IP address if that will help.
2013-06-28 11:46:47 AM
1 votes:
I also wonder how the CSI effect interacts with Melendez-Diaz's requirement that the techie show up in court and offer testimony. 

"Wait, that guy is not a super hot omni-disciplinary super scientist!!  Must be fake!"
2013-06-28 11:45:55 AM
1 votes:
`Can the perp be identified by a flatus sample he left at the scene? I thought the FBI has a data bank of farts from every person in 'merikuh - like DNA?'
2013-06-28 11:41:00 AM
1 votes:
"It's all about the patterns. Whether it's a shooting, you can determine that. Whether it's a beating, you can determine that from the blood patterns," he says.

So CSI is fake but Dexter is real. Got it.
2013-06-28 11:36:06 AM
1 votes:

vernonFL: [4.bp.blogspot.com image 550x825]

I found a partial print from a bullet fragment and ran it through AFIS and it was a perfect match to our suspect.

/it doesn't happen like that? There aren't hot goth chicks in the science labs?


What does Abby have to do with hot goth chicks in science labs?
2013-06-28 09:42:43 AM
1 votes:
Next thing you know is that doctors won't be able to tell testicular injury without watching Ow! My Balls first
 
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