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(Cracked)   A 30-second guide to how the gay marriage ruling affects You   (cracked.com) divider line 325
    More: Obvious, same-sex marriages, common misconceptions  
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19205 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Jun 2013 at 11:11 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-06-26 08:07:51 PM
If you are not gay, then it doesn't f*cking affect you in any way, shape, or form...so shut the f*ck up about how your goddamn day is ruined or America is destroyed.

If you are gay, then the federal government is happy to accept your marriage as valid provides you got married in a state that is happy to allow you to do such things. If you live in an bass ackward state, you're still SOL for the time being.

Thank you and goodnight.
 
2013-06-26 08:13:18 PM
I'm going to go with "not in the slightest"

/I am quite happy for a few of my friends, though
 
2013-06-26 08:14:38 PM
It doesn't affect me at all.  It does affect some people I know and love in a positive way.
 
2013-06-26 08:15:35 PM
If You Are a Heterosexual Who Suffers Anger or Anxiety at the Thought of Gay Couples Getting Married as an Abstract Concept, and Believes the Only Cure is to Legally Prevent Gay Marriage:

This decision will cause you some degree of anger or anxiety. Otherwise, this decision does not affect you in any way.



Ok, I lol'ed
 
2013-06-26 08:17:32 PM

bulldg4life: If you are not gay, then it doesn't f*cking affect you in any way, shape, or form...so shut the f*ck up about how your goddamn day is ruined or America is destroyed.

If you are gay, then the federal government is happy to accept your marriage as valid provides you got married in a state that is happy to allow you to do such things. If you live in an bass ackward state, you're still SOL for the time being.

Thank you and goodnight.


Yeah right, now I have to buy a cat anda dog so they can live together.
 
2013-06-26 08:27:00 PM
The hell with that! I just got gay married to three dudes this afternoon! And a lamp!

I AM SO GLAD THAT LIBERALS HAVE DESTROYED AMERICA TODAY
 
2013-06-26 08:29:18 PM

Lando Lincoln: The hell with that! I just got gay married to three dudes this afternoon! And a lamp!

I AM SO GLAD THAT LIBERALS HAVE DESTROYED AMERICA TODAY


That lamp settled
 
2013-06-26 08:33:55 PM
It doesn't. Guess I have 29 seconds to kill
 
2013-06-26 08:33:58 PM
If you are heterosexual and do NOT want to enter into a homosexual marriage, but you have homosexual friends who do, and you live in CA:

This could bankrupt you because you are going to a shiatload of gay weddings in the next year and a half!
 
2013-06-26 08:34:41 PM

One Bad Apple: Lando Lincoln: The hell with that! I just got gay married to three dudes this afternoon! And a lamp!

I AM SO GLAD THAT LIBERALS HAVE DESTROYED AMERICA TODAY

That lamp settled


It wasn't getting any younger.
 
2013-06-26 08:35:16 PM

One Bad Apple: Lando Lincoln: The hell with that! I just got gay married to three dudes this afternoon! And a lamp!

I AM SO GLAD THAT LIBERALS HAVE DESTROYED AMERICA TODAY

That lamp settled


Frankly she was a slut anyway.
behance.vo.llnwd.net
 
2013-06-26 08:37:14 PM
Oh, wait. Now I remember. Jesus is going to be really mad at us and destroy us all. Jesus was all about love, but not homo love.
 
2013-06-26 08:41:07 PM

Lando Lincoln: Oh, wait. Now I remember. Jesus is going to be really mad at us and destroy us all. Jesus was all about love, but not homo love.


Yeah... and he never got married and hung out with a bunch of guys all the time

/just sayin'
 
2013-06-26 08:41:24 PM

bulldg4life: If you are gay, then the federal government is happy to accept your marriage as valid provides you got married in a state that is happy to allow you to do such things. If you live in an bass ackward state, you're still SOL for the time being.


Does anyone else suspect states that have given the right are going to take it away now? Or can they not "take it back"?
And do all states have to recognize a gay marriage if it's now valid in the issuing state and protected federally?

/doesn't affect me, still curious
 
2013-06-26 08:41:42 PM
Awesome.
 
2013-06-26 08:42:16 PM

Mitch Taylor's Bro: If you are heterosexual and do NOT want to enter into a homosexual marriage, but you have homosexual friends who do, and you live in CA:

This could bankrupt you because you are going to a shiatload of gay weddings in the next year and a half!


Good point.  Though I'm not sure if said gay friend from California is actually seeing anyone right now, let alone in a relationship.  My lesbian friend from NH, however, is engaged, but it seems to be a long term engagement, which totally sets off alarms in my best friend's gaydar (she says that's a really bad sign).
 
2013-06-26 08:42:17 PM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Lando Lincoln: Oh, wait. Now I remember. Jesus is going to be really mad at us and destroy us all. Jesus was all about love, but not homo love.

Yeah... and he never got married and hung out with a bunch of guys all the time

/just sayin'


He also never spoke out on homosexuality.  The "don't be ghey" stuff is all old testament.  Hmmmm.
 
2013-06-26 08:44:15 PM

bdub77:

Frankly she was a slut anyway.
[behance.vo.llnwd.net image 600x800]


Imma' get that lamp just to install a pull string between the legs but have a ketchup soaked tampon fall down instead
 
2013-06-26 08:50:41 PM

FriarReb98: Mitch Taylor's Bro: If you are heterosexual and do NOT want to enter into a homosexual marriage, but you have homosexual friends who do, and you live in CA:

This could bankrupt you because you are going to a shiatload of gay weddings in the next year and a half!

Good point.  Though I'm not sure if said gay friend from California is actually seeing anyone right now, let alone in a relationship.  My lesbian friend from NH, however, is engaged, but it seems to be a long term engagement, which totally sets off alarms in my best friend's gaydar (she says that's a really bad sign).


I've already seen a proposal and acceptance posted to my FB, so it's on like donkey kong!
 
2013-06-26 09:06:00 PM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: Lando Lincoln: Oh, wait. Now I remember. Jesus is going to be really mad at us and destroy us all. Jesus was all about love, but not homo love.

Yeah... and he never got married and hung out with a bunch of guys all the time

/just sayin'


Just sayin'?

He had long hair, wore flowing robes, drank wine and hung out with female prostitutes that didn't have a chance. Exclusively, by the way.

And, he had two dads. If he were alive today, he'd be on Rachel Maddow right now.
 
2013-06-26 09:09:50 PM

djkutch: MaudlinMutantMollusk: Lando Lincoln: Oh, wait. Now I remember. Jesus is going to be really mad at us and destroy us all. Jesus was all about love, but not homo love.

Yeah... and he never got married and hung out with a bunch of guys all the time

/just sayin'

Just sayin'?

He had long hair, wore flowing robes, drank wine and hung out with female prostitutes that didn't have a chance. Exclusively, by the way.

And, he had two dads. If he were alive today, he'd be on Rachel Maddow right now.


Or Jerry Springer
 
2013-06-26 09:14:01 PM
Unaddressed permutation: military gays with access to a base chapel on a US base in a "ban" state or foreign country, given that bases are federal enclaves. Can they marry on base?
 
2013-06-26 09:19:03 PM

factoryconnection: Unaddressed permutation: military gays with access to a base chapel on a US base in a "ban" state or foreign country, given that bases are federal enclaves. Can they marry on base?


They need to get a marriage license from somewhere; that's usually the county office or similar--not the base. So, I guess the answer to your question is no in a state with a ban and yes in a state that permits them.
 
2013-06-26 09:19:53 PM
lolzombie.com
 
2013-06-26 09:24:19 PM

MaudlinMutantMollusk: djkutch: MaudlinMutantMollusk: Lando Lincoln: Oh, wait. Now I remember. Jesus is going to be really mad at us and destroy us all. Jesus was all about love, but not homo love.

Yeah... and he never got married and hung out with a bunch of guys all the time

/just sayin'

Just sayin'?

He had long hair, wore flowing robes, drank wine and hung out with female prostitutes that didn't have a chance. Exclusively, by the way.

And, he had two dads. If he were alive today, he'd be on Rachel Maddow right now.

Or Jerry Springer


Who's your father isn't the question.

What I think is more applicable? Jesus and Lazarus. Could fit in nicely with The Walking Dead.
 
2013-06-26 09:29:11 PM
If you're anybody who's planning to get married in the next year, this decision will drive up the cost of venues, DJs, cakes, caterers, etc., and limit your choice of dates and times.

But you probably won't notice, and if you do you'll get over it.
 
2013-06-26 09:34:31 PM
I just received an email with the name of my soon to be arranged gay turtle spouse. THANKS OBAMA
 
2013-06-26 09:36:08 PM

BarkingUnicorn: If you're anybody who's planning to get married in the next year, this decision will drive up the cost of venues, DJs, cakes, caterers, etc., and limit your choice of dates and times.

But you probably won't notice, and if you do you'll get over it.


The only person whom I know that hasn't started doing all that yet is one that we're still surprised the guy proposed in the first place.  So this might be a good thing...for him, at least.
 
2013-06-26 09:37:47 PM
I just let my husband know that I will be late getting home from work tomorrow because I have to go find a lesbian to gay marry now that our 23-year heterosexual marriage has been irreparably damaged by this decision.

But after reading this article, I, uh, guess I'll be home in time for dinner after all.

/he said "That's OK, I'm going to go out and find a turtle."
 
2013-06-26 09:45:47 PM

themindiswatching: I just received an email with the name of my soon to be arranged gay turtle spouse. THANKS OBAMA


And God said unto thee, straddle not thy cock unto the lamb, for thy flock is thy livelihood. Go to the sea and ye shall find salvation amongst the amphibians.
 
2013-06-26 09:53:58 PM
Honestly, I half-expected Scalia to write a majority opinion that mandated that the Justice Department/California defend those laws.
 
2013-06-26 10:01:50 PM

bdub77: One Bad Apple: Lando Lincoln: The hell with that! I just got gay married to three dudes this afternoon! And a lamp!

I AM SO GLAD THAT LIBERALS HAVE DESTROYED AMERICA TODAY

That lamp settled

Frankly she was a slut anyway.
[behance.vo.llnwd.net image 600x800]


That's not a lamp you marry, that's a lamp you date.  THIS is a lamp you marry:

img849.imageshack.us

/it's Italian.
 
2013-06-26 10:20:57 PM

themindiswatching: I just received an email with the name of my soon to be arranged gay turtle spouse. THANKS OBAMA


A gay turtle? You're lucky.

comics.kidzclix.net

And it's a top :-(
 
2013-06-26 10:45:32 PM
Oh man that freeper thread is full of awesome butthurt.
 
2013-06-26 11:11:28 PM

scottydoesntknow: If You Are a Heterosexual Who Suffers Anger or Anxiety at the Thought of Gay Couples Getting Married as an Abstract Concept, and Believes the Only Cure is to Legally Prevent Gay Marriage:

This decision will cause you some degree of anger or anxiety. Otherwise, this decision does not affect you in any way.


Ok, I lol'ed


I know, I was confused. Cracked was funny and timely??
And NOT 3 pages??? WTF
 
2013-06-26 11:12:10 PM

bulldg4life: If you are not gay, then it doesn't f*cking affect you in any way, shape, or form...so shut the f*ck up about how your goddamn day is ruined or America is destroyed.


It does affect you if you're not gay, but have gay family or friends. I'm sure my brothers are happy about it.
 
2013-06-26 11:12:21 PM
How gay marriage affects doglover:

1. It doesn't


There, that was easy. The only thing I can think of is that now my gay friends' marriages are now possibly recognized by the state.
 
2013-06-26 11:16:14 PM
I'm confused. It said it was a cracked article and I didn't see a page 2. Was this only 15 seconds?
 
2013-06-26 11:16:31 PM
What if I'm straight, and want to marry a turtle?
 
2013-06-26 11:18:03 PM

bulldg4life: If you are not gay, then it doesn't f*cking affect you in any way, shape, or form...so shut the f*ck up about how your goddamn day is ruined or America is destroyed.

If you are gay, then the federal government is happy to accept your marriage as valid provides you got married in a state that is happy to allow you to do such things. If you live in an bass ackward state, you're still SOL for the time being.

Thank you and goodnight.


That about sums it up.
 
2013-06-26 11:18:47 PM

TommyDeuce: What if I'm straight, and want to marry a turtle?


You'll have to wait for the inter-species marriage equality movement.
 
2013-06-26 11:19:37 PM
My (now former) employer offered health insurance to homosexual couples who couldn't get married in MA.  To be fair, they did the same thing for hetero couples who weren't married.

When gay marriage was allowed a few years ago, my employer said "whelp, if you're gay or straight, you better get married now if you want your SO to get health insurance through us".
 
2013-06-26 11:19:37 PM
Mr. Santorum, your thoughts?

www.redbookmag.com "

You know what Rick, just STFU.
 
2013-06-26 11:20:11 PM
It gives me a 502 BAD GATEWAY ?
 
2013-06-26 11:20:51 PM
personally i think it's GAY..
 
2013-06-26 11:21:28 PM
My marriage to my wife is doomed and over! I might as well divorce her now and hook up with someone half her age.

Oh wait, I'm not gay and I'm not Newt Gingrich.

/Huh, doesn't affect me at all
//Happy for my gay friends
///Christian (as in digs Jesus' scene man, not foaming at the mouth we're all going to hell!!)
 
2013-06-26 11:22:06 PM

Lsherm: /it's Italian.


it said 'fragile,' so it must be French.
 
2013-06-26 11:22:11 PM

PanicMan: It gives me a 502 BAD GATEWAY ?


Same-- 502 - Bad Gateway.

If gay marriage is going to be causing web server errors then I am opposed to it!
 
2013-06-26 11:22:47 PM
Cracked is Farked?
 
2013-06-26 11:23:09 PM

PanicMan: It gives me a 502 BAD GATEWAY ?


I think that is generally the conservative opinion - exit hole only, bad gateway.
 
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