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(Stuff.co.nz)   Christian school releases pamphlet with 101 things students can do instead of having sex, such as blowing bubbles. Bubbles said to be thrilled   (stuff.co.nz) divider line 103
    More: Silly, Christian schools, economic bubble, horse riding  
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4261 clicks; posted to Main » on 22 Jun 2013 at 5:33 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-06-22 06:37:08 PM  

No Such Agency: Ok...

This isn't totally the stupidest thing ever...  Assuming that kids are just having sex because they're bored and have nothing better to do.  And that happens.  Some towns are farking DEAD.  Literally nothing of any interest to do.

But.

In reality, most teenagers are not going to pass up sex for any of this stuff.  But don't let that stop you herping the derp, Christianity.


The thing with this is... well, sex is THE thing to do, not what happens when you run out of alternatives.  If adolescent males could get laid consistently... then juvenile delinquency would be reduced by 3/4's.
 
2013-06-22 06:44:32 PM  
Is masturbation on the list?

/tl;dr
 
2013-06-22 06:46:03 PM  
*Blow bubbles in the park* I'm sure Bubbles is a nice guy but go blow him in a no-tell motel like everybody else does

*Pretend you're six again*  Too old

*Look at clouds and see what you can make them into*  Penises, penises as far as they eye can see

*Surprise your parents by cleaning the house*  Then play with mom's dildo you found

*Have a water fight*  Who doesn't love a squirter?

*Go fruit picking*  You're not supposed to bully the queers

*Go to Macca's in formals* Then get naked and have sex once you're inside

*Make lunch for the elderly*  Granny ain't getting lunch without blowing me first

*Share a drink with two straws* Which leads to kissing which leads to farking

*Visit the RSPCA* Watch the doggies have sex

*Have a burping contest* Mrs. Smurf's belching turns me on.  Oh yeah.  We're farked up
 
2013-06-22 06:46:14 PM  
With all the silly religions out there, with all their disagreements over what their version of god "likes" and "hates"

They are all pretty much in agreement with one thing: This almighty, all-knowing, all-seeing, all loving and all-just is totally disgusted with SEX.

God barely tolerates it when you are actually having sex for making more babies. But you should not enjoy it. It's disgusting, smelly, filthy and dirty and there are all kinds of deadly germs involved.
 
2013-06-22 06:49:14 PM  
*Blow bubbles in the park
*Pretend you're six again - my first time watching x-rated films was at 6 years old.

*Look at clouds and see what you can make them into - tits and ass.

*Surprise your parents by cleaning the house - I cleaned the house because I accidentally spilled my seed all over the place.

*Have a water fight - I love having water fights with girls. I usually blast water on their chest so that I may enjoy their beautiful curves.

*Go fruit picking - no, I don't bully homosexuals. They are people, too!

*Go to Macca's in formals - I'm not Muslim. Oh wait... not Mecca? Ok then... Kamaccamacca! shiat, fighting in formal wear like Goku is hard.

*Make lunch for the elderly - they wondered why it was a little extra salty. I just told them I added some personal "love" to it.

*Share a drink with two straws - this is how sex usually begins for me.

*Visit the RSPCA - Religious Sexual Penetration and Cunnilingus Association? Sure!

*Have a burping contest - we do this after sex.
 
2013-06-22 06:51:20 PM  
images3.wikia.nocookie.net

APPROVES
 
2013-06-22 06:54:26 PM  

timharrod:


What took so long?
 
2013-06-22 06:57:07 PM  
I have never understood why religions are so against sex.  You would think they would want more little servile f*ckwits running around, not fewer.  Anyone have any ideas why this is, and why it seems to be so universal?
 
2013-06-22 06:57:08 PM  
Wow, that was written by a priest who was ACTUALLY celibate.
 
2013-06-22 06:57:17 PM  
If your gay you can turn the burping contest into a farting contest but it usually ends with one of the guys finding a way to plug the hole
 
2013-06-22 06:57:39 PM  

Dreamless: Is masturbation on the list?

/tl;dr


Kind of what I'm wondering.  How many of these are slang terms for jacking it?  "Go fruit picking", "play ball without the ball" (?), etc.

I'm guessing Christians might not want to just come out and say "beat off to porn."
 
2013-06-22 07:02:15 PM  
"We teach kids about safe sex, we teach them about the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases and what you need to do protect yourself against them," he said.

And I'm sure it's all 100% medically accurate and not at all aimed at trying to shame them into thinking sex is a dirty, dangerous thing.
 
2013-06-22 07:02:19 PM  

Gyrfalcon: Wow, that was written by a priest who was ACTUALLY celibate.


Doubtful.  They're very well practiced in how to tell others to be celibate, and in pretending to be celibate.
 
2013-06-22 07:03:13 PM  

farkingismybusiness: Oldiron_79: I am Bubbles.


No, I am Bubbles.


Golf clap
 
2013-06-22 07:06:30 PM  
Hmm, being a 'councilor' at a bible camp. I think there has been more than one pron take off on that.
 
2013-06-22 07:08:36 PM  

2wolves: HL of the week, maybe month, Subby.

+2


Got a laugh from me.
 
2013-06-22 07:08:47 PM  
It's sad to see how offended adults get over another person choosing to abstain from sex. When I was a child I thought adults were mature. Now that I'm an adult I see most adults are immature, insecure, large children. If you want to have sex go ahead but why in the world would you ridicule those who choose not to? There are many people who died of AIDS (two of my school friends included) who probably wish they had abstained more. Grow up.
 
2013-06-22 07:11:58 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: I have never understood why religions are so against sex.  You would think they would want more little servile f*ckwits running around, not fewer.  Anyone have any ideas why this is, and why it seems to be so universal?


People really dont need a whole lot of encouragement to procreate, but if you can make them feel bad about it and convince them that tithing every week will make them feel less guilty, well... I mean really, what better form of social control is there than making people feel terrible about the best thing in the world.
 
2013-06-22 07:12:17 PM  
no one abstains from sex on purpose.  how stupid do you think we are.
 
2013-06-22 07:20:58 PM  
Bubbles is thrilled and all, but (s)he'd prefer to give the blowjob....

img.fark.net
 
2013-06-22 07:24:25 PM  

Cyno01: Benevolent Misanthrope: I have never understood why religions are so against sex.  You would think they would want more little servile f*ckwits running around, not fewer.  Anyone have any ideas why this is, and why it seems to be so universal?

People really dont need a whole lot of encouragement to procreate, but if you can make them feel bad about it and convince them that tithing every week will make them feel less guilty, well... I mean really, what better form of social control is there than making people feel terrible about the best thing in the world.


I just wonder how it all got started.
 
2013-06-22 07:25:07 PM  

Mija: It's sad to see how offended adults get over another person choosing to abstain from sex. When I was a child I thought adults were mature. Now that I'm an adult I see most adults are immature, insecure, large children. If you want to have sex go ahead but why in the world would you ridicule those who choose not to? There are many people who died of AIDS (two of my school friends included) who probably wish they had abstained more. Grow up.


Sounds like someone needs to get laid.
 
2013-06-22 07:27:36 PM  
When sex is readily available, there are plenty of things that I would rather do for a spell; go for a motorcycle ride, go skiing, take my sailboat out for the weekend, watch a movie that I've been wanting to see. In those cases, sex usually follows.
During a "dry spell" sex takes priority.
Supply and demand, people.
I can honestly say, however, that I have never found myself saying, "Damn, you look good, babe, but as much as you're turning me on right now... I'd rather go clean my parent's house."
 
2013-06-22 07:27:57 PM  

Mija: It's sad to see how offended adults get over another person choosing to abstain from sex. When I was a child I thought adults were mature. Now that I'm an adult I see most adults are immature, insecure, large children. If you want to have sex go ahead but why in the world would you ridicule those who choose not to? There are many people who died of AIDS (two of my school friends included) who probably wish they had abstained more. Grow up.


The offence is more directed at the celibate person lecturing the non-celibate people about sex. I don't think anyone has an actual problem with people abstaining from sex, more from the abstainers trying to force their beliefs on others.

Plus the advice given is pretty sad.
 
2013-06-22 07:32:07 PM  
You called?
 
2013-06-22 07:37:12 PM  
  Sell, seeing as "blowing Bubbles" was soo quick to surface, lets see how many other inuendo's are present
Difficulty: little to no tampering

eating something new
Have a water fight
Go fruit picking


And once you've gone that far..the others just start to sound bad, like doing a Dirty Sanchez, or felching, or what have you, they start to sound like code:

*Make lunch for the elderly
*Share a drink with two straws
 playing ball without the ball
burping contest


Really, I wish I had the full list now.
 
2013-06-22 07:39:16 PM  
so oral sex, followed by blowing bubbles in the cum?
 
2013-06-22 07:42:05 PM  

Jon iz teh kewl: so oral sex, followed by blowing bubbles in the cum?


Ok, now you're just being vulgar.
 
2013-06-22 07:49:27 PM  
Sooooo, anything short of PIV is good it seems. Okay, that's still a pretty big list.

Has anyone posted this to FetLife?
 
2013-06-22 07:56:50 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: I have never understood why religions are so against sex.  You would think they would want more little servile f*ckwits running around, not fewer.  Anyone have any ideas why this is, and why it seems to be so universal?


Religions love sex. They want you doing nothing but making babies and converting other people to the cult. What they don't tolerate is you having sex without producing more cultists as a result. Recreational sex is the sin.
 
2013-06-22 08:04:28 PM  

Mija: It's sad to see how offended adults get over another person choosing to abstain from sex. When I was a child I thought adults were mature. Now that I'm an adult I see most adults are immature, insecure, large children. If you want to have sex go ahead but why in the world would you ridicule those who choose not to? There are many people who died of AIDS (two of my school friends included) who probably wish they had abstained more. Grow up.


On the contrary, I have no issue at all with people who make the personal decision to abstain.  That's their business, and short of an eyeroll at the "everything but" variety, I pass no judgment on what works for them.  Granted, most of the abstinants I know are either asexual anyway or they have some seriously depressing sexual history, which makes it even harder to judge them.

That's not what we have here, though.  There are three elements to this, any of which are worthy of mockery:  First, they're trying to push absinence on others.  I wouldn't dream of asking them to give up their abstinence, so I'd ask them to grant the same courtesy.  If they won't do that, I see no reason not to make fun of their suggestions.

Second, their method of pushing abstinence shows an absolute lack of anything resembling an understanding of WHY people have sex.  These "alternatives" only work if you assume people don't actually enjoy sex, they just can't think of any other way to pass the time.  The sheer silliness deserves to be laughed at.

Finally, the specific nature of the suggestions are highly infantilizing, inappropriate for anyone past puberty.  There's a reason that "pretend you're six again" is on the list, because that's the only group that the suggestions would appeal to.  The fact that they're suggesting them at the college level demonstrates how little they think of fully-functioning adults.  There are also some unfortunate implications as to how their religious beliefs regard people to this last bit, but that may just be me reading too much into it, so I'm not going to get pissed over it.  I will, however, point and laugh at their bass-ackwardness.
 
2013-06-22 08:09:14 PM  

farkingismybusiness: Oldiron_79: I am Bubbles.

[img.fark.net image 375x200]
No, I am Bubbles.


scans.startiger.com

"I am Bubbles"

Its true: she was credited as such in the classic BACK TO SCHOOL.
 
2013-06-22 08:15:14 PM  

No Such Agency: This isn't totally the stupidest thing ever... Assuming that kids are just having sex because they're bored and have nothing better to do. And that happens. Some towns are farking DEAD. Literally nothing of any interest to do.


Things I Did With A Boyfriend Before I Was Married
1. Rebuilding the engine of a station wagon, then farking in the back.
2. Driving to a different state for a concert, then farking in the parking lot while we waited for traffic to die down after.
3. Taking friends' children to an amusement park, then farking wildly after we returned them because contraception FTW.
4. Going to the college library and farking in the Russian Literature section.
5. Designing and building several pieces of furniture, including three choice maple pieces exclusively for farking.
6. Starting a small business in our spare time and dedicating every cent of the profits to sex toys, for farking.
7. Conducting a scientific survey of flavored condoms for Blowjob Week, because even the best of us ladies does menstruate.
8. Beating StarCraft and Diablo II together.
9. Making a marauder's map of our entire college campus with various hidden and stealthy sites for farking, with comprehensive ratings.

Super-religious people must either not be farking at all correctly, or else they have no idea how much it would suck to marry someone who wanted different things from farking than you did and was unwilling to learn or practice. It's like going into business together. You have to have a proven history of working well together, cooperating, taking on new challenges and bringing new skills to the table for constant innovation, as well as the ability to create efficiency and quality improvements. No matter how good it is, it can always be better! (Trust me, single Farkettes; engineers are definitely worth the extra effort.)

I think we're much happier as a married couple because we farked each other brainless when dating, experimented in a manner so diverse as to make Rule Thirty-Four blush like a church lady and continue to enjoy one another more than anything else. Gomez and Morticia Addams were the happiest couple on TV for a reason, y'know.
 
2013-06-22 08:19:53 PM  
i.imgur.com
 
2013-06-22 08:26:50 PM  

HotWingAgenda: Benevolent Misanthrope: I have never understood why religions are so against sex.  You would think they would want more little servile f*ckwits running around, not fewer.  Anyone have any ideas why this is, and why it seems to be so universal?

Religions love sex. They want you doing nothing but making babies and converting other people to the cult. What they don't tolerate is you having sex without producing more cultists as a result. Recreational sex is the sin.


Here's my crude take on the evolution of religion, then on sex within the religion:

Where did religion get started?

The first guy who was asked a question that he didn't know the answer to, made up something just so that he had an answer and didn't have to say "I don't know", and he was believed(I typically use lightning as an example....  "What made that light?  Something more powerful than you can think of, GOD!".

People came to him for knowledge and leadership that they craved, and he LIKED it, it gave him a sense of a place in the world.  Maybe he lied in the first place, but possibly now even believes in it himself....something got him this far after all.

Since then, it's been a snowball rolling down hill.

 Get a few hundred followers, now you've got to worry about outside influence, like from that other clever fellow that started making shiat up(whether he believes it or not) and his followers.

You then lie about people who are not in that given religion, you want to keep all your believers keeping it in the family, so to speak, to maintain that power base. Stop all that attraction to outsiders that can lead to exposure of new ideals, a direct threat to your power base, another source of knowledge?  NEVER

Now the sex itself.  You have to keep it within your control.  Sex is liberating, it often leads to loving something more than the religion, and ergo, lack of power for the religion.  It also can lead to creativity, intimacy of one's self(Ie being self aware)....now it's as big a problem as that other clever fellow.  Reason and rationality can be just as big of an enemy as outside information.

You need sex, you've got to grow your power base after all, but you've also got to compete with it.   You can't let it run wild, you've got to remove choice from the people. When they "sin" you condemn them(feared leader points), when theyapologize you redeem them(merciful leader points), and praise the faithful.(rewarding leader points.)
Since it worked for the other competition, you apply the same logic here.
You have to make them fear it, hate it even, except for when you sanction it.

So they build in marriage of a fit partner, ie church approved, then and only then can they fark like bunnies, and are encouraged to do so now because they're behind the curve at this point.

So people get married to their partners because of YOU. You have tied it to your cause, even yourself so that it now strengthens your position. It's, "god's" gift, of course, but the way they see it, YOU gave them permission to have that wonderful interaction with each other.

It's a total and utter victory for you.

/again, just a crude summation, but apt enough
 
2013-06-22 08:27:58 PM  
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-22 08:33:48 PM  
SpiderQueenDemon:
Things I Did With A Boyfriend Before I Was Married

Um thanks for sharing... I think religious leaders just don't CARE what works.  One book, all the answers ever, period.  To suggest that people leading unhappy lives due to marital incompatibility, and possibly stewing with guilt over extra-marital affairs, are the perfect suckers for continued religious brainwashing is probably true, but over-thinking it.
 
2013-06-22 08:53:09 PM  
None of these look fun! Except the RSPCA visit. I love animals.
 
2013-06-22 08:54:27 PM  
Funny hl subs......
High five!
 
2013-06-22 09:06:44 PM  
DNRTFA, but based on the comments here, isn't this the same stupid list that has been floating around the internet for 10-15 years?
 
2013-06-22 09:15:21 PM  

JustMatt: DNRTFA, but based on the comments here, isn't this the same stupid list that has been floating around the internet for 10-15 years?


It's possible.  Parts of it do seem familiar, and the list itself is certainly dated enough, but the article makes it seem like the school put the list out recently.  It might be that the school took the old list you're thinking of and adopted it for themselves without realizing the stupidity, though.
 
2013-06-22 09:33:05 PM  
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-22 10:04:45 PM  
My wife and I did the pretend we were six thing.  I called my dad and asked for some G.I. Joes and Transformers.
 
2013-06-22 11:28:36 PM  
I had a high school English teacher we called "Bubbles" for a similar reason.

/nobody went to jail
 
2013-06-22 11:55:12 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: I have never understood why religions are so against sex.  You would think they would want more little servile f*ckwits running around, not fewer.  Anyone have any ideas why this is, and why it seems to be so universal?


For some reason, we humans seem to need some kind of order for our communities to function. Often this order comes in the form of taboos (against sex, against certain foods, against any number of potentially disruptive pleasures) that look ridiculous to the rational mind. Fortunately, rational minds are rare, and so societies get lucky sometimes and thrive because of some accidental benefit derived from the misguided strictures. Those that thrive hang on to the taboos and stricture becomes Scripture. Selah.

/Maybe
 
2013-06-23 01:17:14 AM  

Molavian: Oral and anal aren't really sexual intercourse, now, are they?


That would be The Loophole.

/Language nsfw
 
2013-06-23 02:11:50 AM  

Mija: It's sad to see how offended adults get over another person choosing to abstain from sex. When I was a child I thought adults were mature. Now that I'm an adult I see most adults are immature, insecure, large children. If you want to have sex go ahead but why in the world would you ridicule those who choose not to? There are many people who died of AIDS (two of my school friends included) who probably wish they had abstained more. Grow up.


A. The dead can't make wishes.
B. If they could, perhaps they would instead wish they had had protected sex, or been diagnosed during a time when they could get the right meds like we have now, or perhaps--you may wanna sit down--a few would even say they had no regrets.
C. Choosing to remain celibate as a lifestyle is great if the plan arises from a healthy mind, but just avoiding knocking boots cuz one is scared seems to mean one needs counseling.
D. You need to get laid. Not necessarily with another person if that is not your thing--but at least masturbate. You seem really not fun.
 
2013-06-23 05:02:25 AM  
i envy you Mija at least you have the OPTION to be celebate.  i bet girls are asking you for sex all the time.  and you're just politely turning them down


now when the GUYS come around..  ha ha
 
2013-06-23 08:52:12 AM  

timharrod: [i395.photobucket.com image 383x402]


First thing that crossed my mind. Why did it take so long? :)
 
2013-06-23 11:17:56 AM  
www.comedy.co.uk

Wot's that now?
 
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