Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Fark)   If your pet could talk, what would it say?   ( divider line
    More: Misc, etymology, social cognition, dog breeding, breeds of dogs, Middle English, French Alps, permanent settlement, other nations  
•       •       •

2986 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Jun 2013 at 3:58 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

2013-06-19 01:54:17 PM  
10 votes:
"You masturbate a lot."
2013-06-19 01:59:20 PM  
7 votes:
2013-06-19 01:44:36 PM  
7 votes:
"hey!" "hey!"

"hey!" "hey!"
2013-06-19 02:04:47 PM  
6 votes:
2013-06-19 01:53:28 PM  
6 votes:
"You! Monkey-boy. Make with those fancy opposable thumbs and crack open a can of fancy feast, like now-ish."
"yeah, mee toooo!!! I wuff yoouu!"
2013-06-19 04:05:07 PM  
5 votes:

Cat: I would kill you if I were bigger.
2013-06-19 03:57:59 PM  
4 votes:
Areyoudoneeatingthatyet?CanIhaveit?Areyoudoneeatingthatyet?CanIhaveit? Areyoudoneeatingthatyet?CanIhaveit?Areyoudoneeatingthatyet?CanIhaveit? Areyoudoneeatingthatyet?CanIhaveit?Areyoudoneeatingthatyet?CanIhaveit? Areyoudoneeatingthatyet?CanIhaveit?Areyoudoneeatingthatyet?CanIhaveit?
2013-06-19 02:51:43 PM  
4 votes:

2013-06-19 02:46:08 PM  
4 votes:
2013-06-19 02:42:45 PM  
4 votes:
2013-06-19 01:55:25 PM  
4 votes:

I_C_Weener: "You masturbate a lot."

so your pet basically says "I see weener. A lot."
2013-06-19 06:01:43 PM  
3 votes:




2013-06-19 04:32:21 PM  
3 votes:

We have another one that's in heat right now.  She never shuts up.  She just goes on and on about how badly she wants to have sex.

What's her Fark handle?
2013-06-19 04:13:58 PM  
3 votes:
2013-06-19 04:08:38 PM  
3 votes:
Parrot would say "Next time would you mind putting the cover over my cage before you try to surprise her with anal?"
2013-06-19 04:00:41 PM  
3 votes:
I want steak.

2013-06-19 01:55:03 PM  
3 votes:
"I really need you to stop farting in my face.  It's not nearly as funny as you think it is."
2013-06-19 01:46:37 PM  
3 votes:
"That Rainbow Bridge stuff is bullshiat!"

(they're dead)
2013-06-19 01:43:58 PM  
3 votes:
My cat is kind of an asshole so she'd probably say something like "Hey, F*ckface! Stop trying to do anything else and pay attention to me until I get bored and try to bite you!"
2013-06-19 08:55:19 PM  
2 votes:

/not my doggie
2013-06-19 07:05:34 PM  
2 votes:
"You might not have noticed it, but I actually pay attention to you everytime you masturbate."
2013-06-19 06:42:48 PM  
2 votes:
"Feed me that wet canned stuff not the crunchy dry stuff, then let me go into the bedroom and barf it up where I please, instead of pushing my heaving feline ass through the cat door - it's not like I want a squirrel right now, as I'm puking, but I do appreciate the thought and I'll be sure to bring a half-dead rodent inside and drop it in the living room at 2 AM so you can hear it scream and scrabble all over the furniture while the little tree-rat bleeds out, because I hate playing with them outside in the rain and it's much better than batting around that damned cat toy, which is why I leave it underfoot in the bathroom so that schlub of a wife of yours can step on it and scream, waking you up three hours before you have to go to work and allowing me to take your spot on the bed, wiping my muddy, treerat-blood-covered paws on your pillow like an Insane Clown Posse fan at an orgy before dragging my wet ass down the bed to dry off - oh, and another thing, I'd really like it if you kept every other cat in the neighborhood fed, but only if I'm allowed to beat holy hell out of them, because I'm tired of having you stuff me in a cat carrier, and drag my listless ass to the vet's office to have yet another abscess drained thanks to my incessant need to attack anything that moves, even if it can kick my ass six ways to Sunday."

Repeat as needed.
2013-06-19 06:25:23 PM  
2 votes:

2013-06-19 05:27:05 PM  
2 votes:

Thank you for saving me from that dust lot in the middle of butt-fark nowhere texas.
2013-06-19 04:50:10 PM  
2 votes:
I'm convinced our cat calls me Fat Bastard.  You can just see it in her face.  Hates having her picture taken.  "I swear to God, Fat Bastard, I will strangle you with that strap and shove that thing up your ass!"
2013-06-19 04:38:04 PM  
2 votes:
Large tuxedo cat: "Feed me. I love bags. Don't pet me.  AAAA! THE BAG MADE A SOUND! Feed me. Don't touch me! No touch. Wait, is that food? I LOVE FOOD! Wait, where are you going? I can't eat if you don't pet me."

Small defective ragdoll cat: "I am sad. Everything is sad. This scratching pad is sad. YAY RIBBON! I love ribbon. Hold on, I have to put my ribbon in my food bowl. Go ahead, eat up, ribbon. Ribbon isn't eating. Ribbon is dead! EVERYTHING IS SAD!"
2013-06-19 04:35:18 PM  
2 votes:
I hate playing Ghandi, biatches breed like rabbits
2013-06-19 04:34:07 PM  
2 votes:

Inschpector Picklesh, reportingsh for dutiesh. Why yesh, peoplesh have shed I remind them of a low-budget Schhhhhhawn Connery. Aaaaaachtapusshy.
2013-06-19 04:19:38 PM  
2 votes:
I expect my Chinchilla would sound like Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction quoting the Bible.
2013-06-19 04:11:23 PM  
2 votes:
Dog: "Play? Play? Play? Play? Play? Play? Play? Food? Food? Food? Food? Food? Food? Food? Food? Play? Play? Play? Play? Play? Play? Bacon! Bacon! Oh, bacon, bacon, bacon!"

Cat: "Yawn. Losers. igottahurryupandbeoverhere!"
2013-06-19 04:06:25 PM  
2 votes:
Throw the ball!  Throw the ball!  Throw the ball.  Throw the . . . I'm hungry. Food!  Food!!  Food!!!
2013-06-19 03:12:06 PM  
2 votes:

Best Cat youtube clip ever.
2013-06-19 02:40:31 PM  
2 votes:
"Put some goddamn clothes on, you freak!"
2013-06-19 02:39:13 PM  
2 votes:

Next time get your own beer, douche.

2013-06-19 02:06:56 PM  
2 votes:
"uh.. no. I am pretty sure this is my half of the bed."
2013-06-19 01:51:47 PM  
2 votes:

(all 3 cats, in seriously off key non harmony, constantly)
2013-06-19 01:50:04 PM  
2 votes:
It would likely look like 1/2 of twitter:

"I just ate, *random tinyurl*"
"I pooped, *random tinyurl*"
"I'm so wasted, *random tinyurl*"
2013-06-19 01:45:05 PM  
2 votes:
When I'm eating:  Drop it, drop it, drop it. drop it!
2013-06-19 11:59:28 PM  
1 vote:
Old Joke Warning:

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"

Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says.

"How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messing around with that little blonde who lives in Next Street?'

The father says, "Oh, shiat; I hope you SHOT that lying son of a biatch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"
2013-06-19 10:36:29 PM  
1 vote:
2013-06-19 07:25:38 PM  
1 vote:
Between critters at my house, so BIL's will have to stand in...
2013-06-19 07:13:02 PM  
1 vote:
Affectionate cat:  pet me.  oh, yes yes yes yes STOP!!!!!
Skittish cat:  Please don't eat me.
Weird cat (5 minutes after I change the cat box):  Clean the damn box, someone used it and I have to go.
2013-06-19 07:06:13 PM  
1 vote:
i had to add my woofies to thread:

easy on the brakes woman!

how long are you going to be in there?
2013-06-19 07:01:21 PM  
1 vote:
"Please pull it out."
2013-06-19 06:43:56 PM  
1 vote:
It's awfully cold for the park isn't it?
Do you like my Yeti impression?
I'm the cutest Samurai in the world!
You're gonna do what to my hair?!
2013-06-19 06:30:57 PM  
1 vote:
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.  Give me treats.  NOW puny human.
2013-06-19 06:28:23 PM  
1 vote:
I WILL kill you!
2013-06-19 05:34:32 PM  
1 vote:
"If you love something, pee on it."
2013-06-19 05:31:57 PM  
1 vote:

*wink*  Who loves you baby?!
2013-06-19 05:18:04 PM  
1 vote:
Run for your lives!! Richard Gere is in the area.
2013-06-19 05:09:43 PM  
1 vote:
Funny, my pet already does:

"Colonel!" Translation: I did something bad and you are going to be pissed.
"WHAT." Translation: You are interrupting my naptime.
"CreamCreamCreamCream!" Translation: I want some of your ice cream (just a taste man, just a little taste).
"Hello?" Translation: The phone is ringing off the hook. You gonna get that?
And here's the dead giveaway.

"Pretty Birdie" Translation: I am happy, but can you look at me?
She also does one-off repeats of conversations (around the last 5 minutes of conversation), and she laughs (which sounds exactly like a woman's laugh).

The bird? A Green Cheeked Conure.
2013-06-19 05:08:40 PM  
1 vote:

msupf: This one could use a caption:
[ image 800x600]

Yes, it could.
2013-06-19 05:03:51 PM  
1 vote:
2013-06-19 04:51:07 PM  
1 vote:
"I'm bored!" ... "Feed me!" ... "I'm bored!" ... "Feed me!" ... repeat until death or insanity.
2013-06-19 04:49:24 PM  
1 vote:

But "Meow" works.
2013-06-19 04:46:25 PM  
1 vote:
"Hey Crocodile Hunter, I'm a hermit crab, not a farking camel. How about putting a little water in this dish before a farking dust storm starts. And is this what you call a "habitat"? Pffft. This stick isn't ambiance, its an impediment. Do you expect me to jump over it every time I go to the other side of the tank? What am I, a farking grasshopper?"
2013-06-19 04:44:41 PM  
1 vote:*

*I've always considered brap jr. a pet more than a son, that is until tax season comes around, then I consider him quadruplets.
2013-06-19 04:39:57 PM  
1 vote:
My cat:
  "Oh put on some clothes"
 "how about fish"
  "It is time to feed me again"
  "Oh those are black pants, how convenient, my summer coat is coming in"
  "oh my, don't go back there for a while.... oh it is following me, hold your breath"
2013-06-19 04:31:35 PM  
1 vote:
"Mommy get the fark off the computer and PET ME. Then FEED me. No wait, I want to go outside. No wait, I want to come back in! FEED ME AGAIN, get off the farking computer, PET ME, LEAVE ME ALONE, LET ME OUT NOOOOWWWWW, I want inside NOW!"
2013-06-19 04:31:34 PM  
1 vote:

LeroyBourne: I miss my poopsie, she died a couple weeks ago.  Such a cool cat, I can only say she would ask for more beer, bc that's would we'd do together while watching tv.  Not her own beer, I would share mine.

I had a cat once get drunk off sharing my mudslides.

The next morning, we found the cat, sitting on my bathrobe, peeing, glaring at me whilst growling.  I suspect he had the mother of all hangovers.
2013-06-19 04:27:18 PM  
1 vote:
I'm ashamed of you, hooman...
2013-06-19 04:23:02 PM  
1 vote:
Have you seen my balls? I went to sleep and woke up and now they are gone
2013-06-19 04:19:55 PM  
1 vote:

Hay asshole, I'm sick of crickets, I need a mate, and you never pick me up anymore. You suck, give me to a better human.

/leopard gecko for sale. cheap.
2013-06-19 04:19:27 PM  
1 vote:
Rescue Corgi: kill it kill it kill it I wuv u soooo mu--Food now!

St. Bernard: duuhh...what?
2013-06-19 04:15:19 PM  
1 vote:
"Hold that thought, I need to chew on my ass for about five minutes."
2013-06-19 04:11:50 PM  
1 vote:
Squirrel...SQUIRREL!!!  Do you SEE THE SQUIRREL!!!!!



Oooohh cat poop
2013-06-19 04:10:19 PM  
1 vote:
Why is the jerky gone?

Tea.  Earl Grey.  Hot.

The teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind.
2013-06-19 04:07:44 PM  
1 vote:

"My name is Ryder.  I destroy worlds."

2013-06-19 04:01:44 PM  
1 vote:
2013-06-19 04:01:39 PM  
1 vote:
Why aren't you dead yet, you are like 270 years old.
2013-06-19 03:53:13 PM  
1 vote:

msupf: This one could use a caption:
[ image 800x600]
or "Wadda you mean no treat",
"Ready to go the vet? ~ Noooooo"
2013-06-19 03:31:06 PM  
1 vote:
If you don't want me to bite your swinging balls, put on a pair of pants.
2013-06-19 03:23:47 PM  
1 vote:
"Pride leader, you are the alpha and omega of my life. I offer you this kitty blunt and pee as a representation of my servitude. Ack. Thb."
2013-06-19 03:19:26 PM  
1 vote:
"Put some clothes on! Geez!"
2013-06-19 03:16:34 PM  
1 vote:
When he was little:
"Whatever you find, I didn't have anything to do with it."

"LETMEOUTLETMEOUTLETMEOUT there's a bird! *point* *pause* Why didn't you shoot it?! You had one job!"
2013-06-19 03:02:09 PM  
1 vote:

"Swimming is awesome."
2013-06-19 02:56:15 PM  
1 vote:
"Get your own cave!"

2013-06-19 02:56:05 PM  
1 vote:
Why, hello there! I was thinking it was maybe possibly time for you to go to that magical door and get me some tasty food out. Perhaps some carrots this time around, yes?
2013-06-19 02:49:51 PM  
1 vote:
Rub my belly, rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  COOKIE!
2013-06-19 02:41:42 PM  
1 vote:
2013-06-19 02:41:03 PM  
1 vote:

"I love beer....beery beer beer....down it goes....down into my belly."
2013-06-19 02:24:46 PM  
1 vote:
2013-06-19 02:23:27 PM  
1 vote:
Crap. I wouldn't have used real dog names if I knew this was going green...

2013-06-19 02:18:19 PM  
1 vote:
them damn goats will lie I tell ya...
2013-06-19 02:11:39 PM  
1 vote:
This one could use a caption:
2013-06-19 02:09:12 PM  
1 vote:

You look funny upside-down

I love cuddles

I'm happy you rescued me
2013-06-19 02:00:23 PM  
1 vote:
Blind cat: Stop moving shiat!
Asshole cat: Fark you!
Old dog: Can I come up on the couch? Can I? Can I? Can I? Yes?!! Oh boy oy boy oh boy!!! Uggg .....uggg .... uh, a little help here! My arthritis you know ... whoa whoa ... DON'T GRAB ME THERE! ... ahhhhh ... Ok I'm good nap timzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Nutty dog: Red Alert! There are people walking the street and OH.MY.GOD!!! There's a dog with them! Off my lawn! Off my lawn!  Off my lawn!  Off my lawn!  Off my lawn!  Off my lawn!  Off my lawn!

 Rev. Skarekroe: : Something about that box is pissing it off. Or its sick.

Sometimes if a cat is having pain when using the liter box it thinks the liter box is causing the problem. If changing out the pans don't work, call the vet.
2013-06-19 02:00:02 PM  
1 vote:

Kyro: "I really need you to stop farting in my face.  It's not nearly as funny as you think it is."

New dog can fart up a storm.  I learned not to play the fart game with him.
2013-06-19 01:48:52 PM  
1 vote:
Want to go play ball?  Later?  Is it later?  Now?  Ball?  Now?  Now?  Now? Now?  Now?
2013-06-19 01:47:28 PM  
1 vote:

The pooch is a good listener. Here I am telling him to not do drugs (at least MY drugs) and to stay in school.  Then I had to run him off to his Little League game.
2013-06-19 01:45:56 PM  
1 vote:
2013-06-19 01:44:28 PM  
1 vote:
she'd ask where the other dog went. since we put down the older dog, the young dog has been looking for her
Displayed 92 of 92 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »
On Twitter

Top Commented
Javascript is required to view headlines in widget.

In Other Media
  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.