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(Fark)   If your pet could talk, what would it say?   (fark.com) divider line 303
    More: Misc, etymology, social cognition, dog breeding, breeds of dogs, Middle English, French Alps, permanent settlement, other nations  
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2959 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Jun 2013 at 3:58 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-06-19 07:01:21 PM
"Please pull it out."
 
2013-06-19 07:02:33 PM
The ball-obsessed:
i37.photobucket.com

The good kitty:
i37.photobucket.com

Spawn of Satan:

i37.photobucket.com
 
2013-06-19 07:05:34 PM
"You might not have noticed it, but I actually pay attention to you everytime you masturbate."
 
2013-06-19 07:06:13 PM
i had to add my woofies to thread:

easy on the brakes woman!
img.fark.net

how long are you going to be in there?
img.fark.net
mine.
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 07:13:02 PM
Affectionate cat:  pet me.  oh, yes yes yes yes STOP!!!!!
Skittish cat:  Please don't eat me.
Weird cat (5 minutes after I change the cat box):  Clean the damn box, someone used it and I have to go.
 
2013-06-19 07:13:39 PM

mrswood: i had to add my woofies to thread:

how long are you going to be in there?


Oh man my cats *and* dog do this one, and my don't won't just check on me and leave, if I won't let him in he gives a big sigh and lays right by the door.
 
2013-06-19 07:20:06 PM
Robert Schimmel had a joke where the parrot would talk normally with its owners guest and as soon as the owner leaves the room the parrot says in a panic "Get me outta here,he farks me when you are gone!"
 
2013-06-19 07:24:54 PM

gadian: Satan's Bunny Slippers: Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.  Give me treats.  NOW puny human.

[fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net image 850x477]

I want to spend lots of time brushing your cat.  Brushing the pretty, fluffly, floofy kitty.


He would love that. Oddly, he's pretty wash n wear. A couple times a month is all he needs. He never tangles or gets clotty. Silllky smoooove. :) (of course he's convinced he's too cool for clots)
 
2013-06-19 07:25:38 PM
Between critters at my house, so BIL's will have to stand in...
img.fark.net
img.fark.net
img.fark.net
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 07:26:55 PM
Has anyone said "Scooby Snack!" yet?
 
2013-06-19 07:26:55 PM

FormlessOne: "Feed me that wet canned stuff not the crunchy dry stuff, then let me go into the bedroom and barf it up where I please, instead of pushing my heaving feline ass through the cat door - it's not like I want a squirrel right now, as I'm puking, but I do appreciate the thought and I'll be sure to bring a half-dead rodent inside and drop it in the living room at 2 AM so you can hear it scream and scrabble all over the furniture while the little tree-rat bleeds out, because I hate playing with them outside in the rain and it's much better than batting around that damned cat toy, which is why I leave it underfoot in the bathroom so that schlub of a wife of yours can step on it and scream, waking you up three hours before you have to go to work and allowing me to take your spot on the bed, wiping my muddy, treerat-blood-covered paws on your pillow like an Insane Clown Posse fan at an orgy before dragging my wet ass down the bed to dry off - oh, and another thing, I'd really like it if you kept every other cat in the neighborhood fed, but only if I'm allowed to beat holy hell out of them, because I'm tired of having you stuff me in a cat carrier, and drag my listless ass to the vet's office to have yet another abscess drained thanks to my incessant need to attack anything that moves, even if it can kick my ass six ways to Sunday."

Repeat as needed.


Achilles?

Sounds just like my friends cat.
 
2013-06-19 07:29:48 PM

spidermilk: mrswood: i had to add my woofies to thread:

how long are you going to be in there?

Oh man my cats *and* dog do this one, and my don't won't just check on me and leave, if I won't let him in he gives a big sigh and lays right by the door.


I was watching my buddies dog and cat..His pets absolutely love me..I was in the bathroom and the cat puts his paw under the door..It was the funniest thing i ever saw..it look so fake.I had a visual of the cat on the otherside of the door using a fake cats paw.
 
2013-06-19 07:37:50 PM

busy chillin': "hey!" "hey!""hey!" "hey!"

 
2013-06-19 07:47:23 PM
"You're cute, but I have no idea what you're saying!!!!"
 
2013-06-19 07:50:20 PM

mactobain: I want steak.

/obvious


It took 100 posts for this?

*iamdisappoint.jpg*
 
2013-06-19 08:07:41 PM

URAPNIS: [img.fark.net image 800x450]
Turn it on, Turn it on. Turn it on. Turn it on. Turn it on.
*runs over to me*
Jerk!
*runs back*
Turn it on, Turn it on. Turn it on. Turn it on. Turn it on.
(repeat)


I really miss my Jack.  I have very fond memories of that look.
 
2013-06-19 08:08:02 PM
"Hey, meatbag! Feed me now!"

(Well I think that's what my Tourette cat says - the others are more polite).
 
2013-06-19 08:36:05 PM

Satan's Bunny Slippers: FormlessOne: "Feed me that wet canned stuff not the crunchy dry stuff, then let me go into the bedroom and barf it up where I please, instead of pushing my heaving feline ass through the cat door - it's not like I want a squirrel right now, as I'm puking, but I do appreciate the thought and I'll be sure to bring a half-dead rodent inside and drop it in the living room at 2 AM so you can hear it scream and scrabble all over the furniture while the little tree-rat bleeds out, because I hate playing with them outside in the rain and it's much better than batting around that damned cat toy, which is why I leave it underfoot in the bathroom so that schlub of a wife of yours can step on it and scream, waking you up three hours before you have to go to work and allowing me to take your spot on the bed, wiping my muddy, treerat-blood-covered paws on your pillow like an Insane Clown Posse fan at an orgy before dragging my wet ass down the bed to dry off - oh, and another thing, I'd really like it if you kept every other cat in the neighborhood fed, but only if I'm allowed to beat holy hell out of them, because I'm tired of having you stuff me in a cat carrier, and drag my listless ass to the vet's office to have yet another abscess drained thanks to my incessant need to attack anything that moves, even if it can kick my ass six ways to Sunday."

Repeat as needed.

Achilles?

Sounds just like my friends cat.


Nope - "Bun", oddly enough.
 
2013-06-19 08:36:28 PM
My last old cat would just pee anywhere at any time. She also fell over many times.
I saved her from hurricane Frances and named her after the hurricane.
Then, she saved me. I miss her.
 
2013-06-19 08:55:19 PM
weknowmemes.com

/not my doggie
 
2013-06-19 09:02:39 PM
We have two young cats (brother and sister) who aren't quite one year old yet.

img.fark.net

KitKat, male, and is most of the times called "Big Boy":  "Who me?" (Upon getting into trouble),  "I'm not that big I can fit into that space that my sister just did *Plows through and *crash* as stuff on top of the "hole" falls off*,  and "Is it time to feed me yet?  I think it's time for food right?  NOW!" (any other time)

Snickers, female, and is most of the time called "Little Girl":  "Get him off of me!" (KitKat who is much bigger likes to play rough, Snickers who is small, dainty, and girly doesn't all the time) , "Yes, I know I'm cute." , "He did it not me I'm innocent...really I am."  (Even if she is caught red handed she still tries this one.),  Last but not least "I'm pointy, ouchy, bitey not soft, furry, and cuddly."
 
2013-06-19 09:09:43 PM

mrswood: i had to add my woofies to thread:

easy on the brakes woman!
[img.fark.net image 453x604]

how long are you going to be in there?
[img.fark.net image 850x478]
mine.
[img.fark.net image 604x453]


looks quite a bit like my first dog. We grew up together. Best dog EVAR.




imageshack.us
imageshack.us
 
2013-06-19 09:11:31 PM

megarian: 3am IS SO EXCITING!


Depends on who you're with, but yeah, it can be.
 
2013-06-19 09:20:32 PM
Well, of the critters who have me now...Ashe already attempts to have long, meaningful conversations with me.  I will admit I am not 100% proficient in Meezer-eze, but she seems to get the point across--and there are genuinely times she's not really seeking skitches or food or play but just apparently wants to tell me how the day has gone.  (And occasionally she will fuss at me when I'm ill--until I get in bed and get covered up, and then she calms down. :D)  Fortunately she is proficient enough in giving me gestural context to whatever she's mewing her fool head off about.

(And Ashe does not shut up.  I've literally caught her doing the Meezer-kin equivalent of talking in her sleep.)

Kali the Coonie is rather more softspoken, but she will cat-ping/"Hiiii!" and will very rarely have kitty "small talk"--usually if she wants my attention for food or (more often) skitchies.  Very occasionally mewing in protest if I have to get up when she's on my lap, as if to say "Damnit, stay still and let me love you!"

There is another cat--not our cat, one of the neighbourhood ferals--that I've informally dubbed "Meowy Cat" due to his habit of carousing late at night and early in the morning near our house.  I am not entirely sure, but somehow I suspect were his meowage translated it would bare a remarkable resemblance to the contents of the average 80's-era hair metal album--fightin', drinkin', gettin' laid, wanting hot wimmens, and so forth.  (I'd even overtly suggest possibly a Faster Pussycat album, but that might be gearing for punishment, pun intended.)
 
2013-06-19 09:24:52 PM

Satan's Bunny Slippers: [fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net image 850x478]

HELP! I'VE BEACHED AND CAN'T GET BACK TO THE FUD!


s1.ibtimes.com
So, so sorry; I couldn't help myself....
 
2013-06-19 09:34:51 PM
I don't know, but the sheep's a liar.
 
2013-06-19 09:51:36 PM
i428.photobucket.com
FOOD?
 
2013-06-19 10:00:14 PM
I'm trying to go to sleep early tonight because I'm running a fever, and my dog is currently whining at me as if to say, "Get your lazy ass up and play with me."
 
2013-06-19 10:26:53 PM

msupf: mrswood: i had to add my woofies to thread:

easy on the brakes woman!
[img.fark.net image 453x604]

how long are you going to be in there?
[img.fark.net image 850x478]
mine.
[img.fark.net image 604x453]

looks quite a bit like my first dog. We grew up together. Best dog EVAR.


[imageshack.us image 673x800]
[imageshack.us image 800x572]


yours looks maybe a little bigger than my Parker, but very similar and awesomely cute. can't imagine a life without them.
 
2013-06-19 10:36:29 PM
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 10:50:34 PM
My roommate's maine coon kitten:
"OMG look how soft I am I love you!!! giv more snuggles! pet me here-   K Done.  fark off human."
(while on top of the cat tower) "Look how fluffy I am.  You know you want to pet me.  And I want to attack the shiat out of your hand.  Lets make a deal."
"I'm not staring at you, human.  I'm staring at the drawstrings on your hoodie."

Cat: You know I love something if I lick it.
Me: I only ever see you lick yourself.
Cat: Exactly.
 
2013-06-19 11:37:27 PM

Rev. Skarekroe: Maybe my cat could tell me why he's recently developed the habit of pooping in front of the litterbox instead of in it.  But not every time.  Just some of the time.
My rabbit would probably say exactly what he says now.  Small grunts when he gets excited about food and nothing else.


"I want it cleaned before every 24 hours! Doesn't matter if I'm the only one; &, didn't use it more'n once! Spitefully Righteous Pellet of Doom to ya!"
 
2013-06-19 11:44:25 PM
Whatever my dogs would say would be a lie.

/They can't prove any of it
 
2013-06-19 11:59:28 PM
Old Joke Warning:


A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.


"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"

Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says.

"How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messing around with that little blonde who lives in Next Street?'

The father says, "Oh, shiat; I hope you SHOT that lying son of a biatch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"
 
2013-06-20 12:30:27 AM
; )
 
2013-06-20 01:47:29 AM
"Hey, Chief, how about turning the pump to the skimmer off already, it's time to play aqua-fetch...oh, you have food...why didn't you say so?"
 
2013-06-20 02:22:46 AM
sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net

"sure, i'll take the fork too."
 
2013-06-20 04:38:01 AM
 
2013-06-20 07:22:46 AM
I can't believe no one has mentioned steak.

/fark
//where originality humor go to die
 
2013-06-20 08:06:04 AM
img.fark.net">

You wanna throw down?
 
2013-06-20 08:14:07 AM

Spoon over Marin: msupf: You look funny upside-down
[img.fark.net image 800x600]

I love cuddles
[img.fark.net image 800x600]

I'm happy you rescued me
[img.fark.net image 800x600]
[img.fark.net image 800x600]

That dog is rediculous


I like big dogs; however, this guy is absolutely adorable!
 
2013-06-20 09:58:51 AM
aw man.. i totally missed this thread when it was going.  That's what I get for spending the day out in the sun and enjoying the fresh air...
 
2013-06-20 10:32:06 AM

durbnpoisn: We have 4 cats.  Each of them actually speaks their own language of a sort.  And oddly enough, both my wife and I understand what they are saying.  Normally it's "give me a treat", "fill the cat bowl", or "can I go outside?".

There is also the one whom, if you walk by while he's laying down, and fail to acknowledge his presense, he will swat you and say something like, "Hey, dick!!  I'm right here!"

We have another one that's in heat right now.  She never shuts up.  She just goes on and on about how badly she wants to have sex.


I feel your pain... My girl sounds like the lowest guttersnipe possible when she's in heat.  When she's not, she only meows to get in or out of somewheres, and it's still not a pleasant noise.  She's the cat equivalent of Fran Drescher, beautiful to look at until she opens her mouth.
 
2013-06-20 11:01:37 AM
Buddy: I hate you, you're such a biatch. HOLD STILL WHILE I RAPE YOU WITH LOVE!

Baby: Please, just pretend I don't exist, except when i WANT food or love.

Boots: Mum, can I have some food? No, not the food the vet wants me to eat, it's yucky.

Izzy: hi mom! Let's play! Where's the laser dot thingy? Oh, it's dumb, I don't wanna play with that, let's cuddle instead, or you could maybe get the feather stick, that'd be cool too.

Izzy is getting a new home tomorrow, then I will be back down to a reasonable amount of cats.

/Gaga went to a new home Monday.
//yeah I had 5 cats..
///did have six til my daughter adopted Izzy's littermate Duff last november.
 
2013-06-20 11:01:43 AM

dopekitty74: aw man.. i totally missed this thread when it was going.  That's what I get for spending the day out in the sun and enjoying the fresh air...


I missed it too, hopefully it'll get some new life at lunchtime.
 
2013-06-20 01:55:31 PM

spidermilk: The ball-obsessed:
[i37.photobucket.com image 800x572]

The good kitty:
[i37.photobucket.com image 800x559]

Spawn of Satan:

[i37.photobucket.com image 800x739]


What breed of dog is that? How large do they get?
 
2013-06-20 02:22:37 PM
img.fark.net

"Hey" "Hey"

"Hey" "Hey"
 
2013-06-20 03:39:58 PM
My cat would say:

"Let me out!  Please I just want out!  I've never wanted something so much in my life!  OMG thanks for letting me out!  Let me in!  Please I just want in!  I've never wanted something so much in my life!  OMG thanks for letting me in!  Let me out!  Please I just want out!  I've never wanted something so much in my life!  OMG thanks for letting me out!  Let me in!  Please I just want in!  I've never wanted something so much in my life!  OMG thanks for letting me in!"

etc...
 
2013-06-20 06:06:30 PM

Skywolf the Scribbler: AlwaysRightBoy: First of all, they're called he and biatches. Not it.

THIS


Well, this isn't creepy at all. Nope. No siree.

dog f*cker
 
2013-06-20 09:32:14 PM
I can't believe how great of a writer I am. I don't think I even know anyone else with that kind of talent in writing from different perspectives. Tolstoy, maybe, I'd imagine Tolstoy could fool the crowd here easily--as well.
 
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