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(Fark)   If your pet could talk, what would it say?   ( divider line
    More: Misc, etymology, social cognition, dog breeding, breeds of dogs, Middle English, French Alps, permanent settlement, other nations  
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2987 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Jun 2013 at 3:58 PM (4 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

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2013-06-19 04:29:37 PM  

busy chillin': "hey!" "hey!"

"hey!" "hey!"

came for this.

2013-06-19 04:30:52 PM  

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Oh, Laaaaaaaancey!
2013-06-19 04:31:34 PM  

LeroyBourne: I miss my poopsie, she died a couple weeks ago.  Such a cool cat, I can only say she would ask for more beer, bc that's would we'd do together while watching tv.  Not her own beer, I would share mine.

I had a cat once get drunk off sharing my mudslides.

The next morning, we found the cat, sitting on my bathrobe, peeing, glaring at me whilst growling.  I suspect he had the mother of all hangovers.
2013-06-19 04:31:35 PM  
"Mommy get the fark off the computer and PET ME. Then FEED me. No wait, I want to go outside. No wait, I want to come back in! FEED ME AGAIN, get off the farking computer, PET ME, LEAVE ME ALONE, LET ME OUT NOOOOWWWWW, I want inside NOW!"

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2013-06-19 04:32:19 PM  
FOOD!!!!   Foody food food.   Food food food!!!
2013-06-19 04:32:21 PM  

We have another one that's in heat right now.  She never shuts up.  She just goes on and on about how badly she wants to have sex.

What's her Fark handle?
2013-06-19 04:32:57 PM  
"You'll have to sew 'em back on first."
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/i have a siberian hamster
2013-06-19 04:33:43 PM  
My belly. Rub it.

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2013-06-19 04:34:07 PM  

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Inschpector Picklesh, reportingsh for dutiesh. Why yesh, peoplesh have shed I remind them of a low-budget Schhhhhhawn Connery. Aaaaaachtapusshy.
2013-06-19 04:35:18 PM  
I hate playing Ghandi, biatches breed like rabbits

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2013-06-19 04:36:55 PM  

RatMaster999: [ image 850x637]
Why is the jerky gone?

[ image 668x561]

Tea.  Earl Grey.  Hot.

[ image 640x480]

The teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind.

Glad my wife was not here to see those, I told her about the baby dumbos me and the boys saw in Pet Smart today and I could hear her coo through the texts. Either that or that farking parrot wasn't actually dead all the way.

Love pet rats.
2013-06-19 04:37:07 PM  
Greyhound day:

"I love you!"

"Time to eat?"

"Time to pee?"


"Yay, walk!"

"I love you!"


repeat as necessary
2013-06-19 04:38:04 PM  
Large tuxedo cat: "Feed me. I love bags. Don't pet me.  AAAA! THE BAG MADE A SOUND! Feed me. Don't touch me! No touch. Wait, is that food? I LOVE FOOD! Wait, where are you going? I can't eat if you don't pet me."

Small defective ragdoll cat: "I am sad. Everything is sad. This scratching pad is sad. YAY RIBBON! I love ribbon. Hold on, I have to put my ribbon in my food bowl. Go ahead, eat up, ribbon. Ribbon isn't eating. Ribbon is dead! EVERYTHING IS SAD!"
2013-06-19 04:39:57 PM  
My cat:
  "Oh put on some clothes"
 "how about fish"
  "It is time to feed me again"
  "Oh those are black pants, how convenient, my summer coat is coming in"
  "oh my, don't go back there for a while.... oh it is following me, hold your breath"
2013-06-19 04:39:57 PM  

Rev. Skarekroe: Maybe my cat could tell me why he's recently developed the habit of pooping in front of the litter box instead of in it.  But not every time.  Just some of the time.

My cat couldn't figure out the litter box.  Got in, and pooped over the side.  Did it all the time.   And she didn't understand how to bury.  She always pawed outside the box and not where she pooped.  Damn annoying, but not sick.
2013-06-19 04:40:34 PM  
2013-06-19 04:41:14 PM  

The_Sponge: [ image 319x252]

Hahaha...I got funny looks from co-workers on that one...
2013-06-19 04:41:30 PM  
5am "ATTENTION!  There are BIRDS outside!  LOTS of them!  If you will please just open the door a crack it will be a BLOODBATH!"

(Indoor cat who will never quit believing that ONE DAY she will be able to murder all those little feathery bastardos)
2013-06-19 04:41:46 PM  
"I don't CARE if that's your side of the bed.  I was here FIRST."
2013-06-19 04:42:20 PM  
KibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibb leKibbleKibbleKibble KibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleK ibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibble
2013-06-19 04:43:02 PM  
No means no good sir
2013-06-19 04:43:46 PM  
"I'm going to need some Astroglide and a new cushion in my kennel. And keep your goddamned ball-licking Lhasa Apso away from me."
2013-06-19 04:44:41 PM  

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*I've always considered brap jr. a pet more than a son, that is until tax season comes around, then I consider him quadruplets.
2013-06-19 04:45:19 PM  
"Thanks QA for feeding me and taking me in and deworming me and vaccinating and fixing me!"
"Me too!"

/Got two now
2013-06-19 04:45:48 PM  
I eat everything!
2013-06-19 04:46:13 PM  
Great thread, lot's of laughs. It's so wonderful that so many people here take such good care of their pets. :-)
2013-06-19 04:46:25 PM  
"Hey Crocodile Hunter, I'm a hermit crab, not a farking camel. How about putting a little water in this dish before a farking dust storm starts. And is this what you call a "habitat"? Pffft. This stick isn't ambiance, its an impediment. Do you expect me to jump over it every time I go to the other side of the tank? What am I, a farking grasshopper?"
2013-06-19 04:49:24 PM  
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But "Meow" works.
2013-06-19 04:49:46 PM  

oldfarthenry: In his "younger" years:

He just got diagnosed with Lupus this week.
I burst into tears during my "if it comes down to it, we're not going to let him suffer" speech with the kids. Embarrassing.
Hopefully we can control it with meds.


I'm so sorry to hear that!

As for what my cat would say:

"this food sucks. This water sucks. My collar sucks, I hate you, I hate your family, leave me alone."
2013-06-19 04:50:10 PM  
I'm convinced our cat calls me Fat Bastard.  You can just see it in her face.  Hates having her picture taken.  "I swear to God, Fat Bastard, I will strangle you with that strap and shove that thing up your ass!"
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2013-06-19 04:50:40 PM  
"Can I fark that? No? How 'bout that?  No? Can I eat that?  No?  How bout that? No?  I'm gonna pee on that, ok?  And that too....Oh and that....Can I fark that?  That?  This?  I'm gonna eat that!  And that too!  Can i fark you?  Eat you?  Pee on you?  No?  Pet me!  Again!  And again!  Ahhh, right there.  Again!"
2013-06-19 04:50:43 PM  
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'Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to.. leap... zzzzzz.'
2013-06-19 04:51:07 PM  
"I'm bored!" ... "Feed me!" ... "I'm bored!" ... "Feed me!" ... repeat until death or insanity.
2013-06-19 04:51:18 PM  
"Peter Pan is better than Skippy."

/I keed
2013-06-19 04:54:16 PM  
The tortise shell would cuss like a sailor
The grey tabby would shriek in terror over everything
The black one would politely ask if he may sit in your lap for the rest of the night
2013-06-19 04:55:22 PM  

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2013-06-19 04:56:28 PM  
People people people oh my people are home. Here's a toy here's a toy here's a toy throw it throw it throw it. OH DEAR GOD THERE'S A SQUIREL AND A BUNNY IN THE YARD!!!! Get out of here bunny and squirel. Oh you are so lucky I can't come through this window. I will kill you!

I just got my first dog when I was in my early thirties. Love the big mutt like crazy and don't know how I went without one for so long.

She didn't quite know what to think the morning a hawk had gotten the dead squirel carcass out of the street and was eating in our yard. Crazy thing is we are no where even near living out in the country. There is a raptor rehab place a few blocks away though.
2013-06-19 04:57:53 PM  
Staffie the Blue Heeler says:  I'm a cranky old biatch with no sense of humor and I'm just going to lay here and shed my thick, sticky hair that will infest the entire house.  Oh yeah, and I'm going to bark at shiat that ain't there, hope you don't mind at three in the morning.
2013-06-19 04:58:21 PM  
2 dogs
Let's go for a ride!
Roll down the window so I can smell and woof!
Easy on the brakes and corners!

Please let me under the covers
Do NOT make me share my bones
2013-06-19 04:58:25 PM  

oldfarthenry: In his "younger" years:
[ image 320x238]
He just got diagnosed with Lupus this week.
I burst into tears during my "if it comes down to it, we're not going to let him suffer" speech with the kids. Embarrassing.
Hopefully we can control it with meds.

Chin up Henry.  Crying at appropriate times in front of your kids shouldn't be embarrassing.   My dad, who died last year, cried twice in all the years I knew him.  Once when his brother passed and once when our Golden died.  It was one of the things I loved and admired about him.
2013-06-19 05:01:47 PM  

busy chillin': "hey!" "hey!"

"hey!" "hey!"

pretty much this. or like the dogs in up.
2013-06-19 05:03:51 PM  
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2013-06-19 05:05:41 PM  
I have an aggressive yet adorable cockatiel who has recently learned how to imitate a wolf whistle, soo...

"How YOU doin'? How YOU doin'? How, back off screechscreechscreechscreech...Hey wait, where are you going? Come back here so I may harass you in front of the parakeet...he likes to watch. And bring food."
2013-06-19 05:07:56 PM  
My dog died recently so I haz a sad and not getting a kick....

But my brother has 2 really obnoxious dogs and here's what they'd say:

Dog1: this guy drinks so much red wine.  Just marinates himself in it.
Dog2: if he drops dead and no one comes for the body, I got dibs on the femurs.
2013-06-19 05:08:09 PM  
"I miss my brother."
2013-06-19 05:08:40 PM  

msupf: This one could use a caption:
[ image 800x600]

Yes, it could.

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2013-06-19 05:09:01 PM  
My mums cat has a major thing going on with my hair. Every time I visit, the cat annoys the crap out of me until I give in to her wishes. Several minutes of rolling in my hair, licking it, pawing it and a generous portion of cheek rubbing later, I emerge from the ordeal with my hair literally looking like a cat got dragged through it. I try and film it each time it happens, just in case someone asks...
As for the cat? post hair-fix, she acts as though she's high on a 'nip trip, crashes out and about half an hour later, has to demand her food bowl is empty.
I guess if that silly cat had something to say, it would be something on the lines of 'don't shave your head, I absolutely LOOOOVE your hair... omg, hair... your hair smells GOOD... and I'm going to annoy you constantly until you cave in to my wishes, gosh, I really need a hair fix...!'

I have threatened to shave my head just to annoy that cat, but haven't the bottle to actually do it.
2013-06-19 05:09:23 PM  
I gotta pee, but im probably gonna see a squirrel or hear another dog bark and forget i have to pee and then need to be let out again in 20 minutes.

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2013-06-19 05:09:43 PM  
Funny, my pet already does:

"Colonel!" Translation: I did something bad and you are going to be pissed.
"WHAT." Translation: You are interrupting my naptime.
"CreamCreamCreamCream!" Translation: I want some of your ice cream (just a taste man, just a little taste).
"Hello?" Translation: The phone is ringing off the hook. You gonna get that?
And here's the dead giveaway.

"Pretty Birdie" Translation: I am happy, but can you look at me?
She also does one-off repeats of conversations (around the last 5 minutes of conversation), and she laughs (which sounds exactly like a woman's laugh).

The bird? A Green Cheeked Conure.
2013-06-19 05:11:44 PM  
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Inschpector Picklesh, reportingsh for dutiesh. Why yesh, peoplesh have shed I remind them of a low-budget Schhhhhhawn Connery. Aaaaaachtapusshy.

He was on TV in Chicago!
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