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(Fark)   If your pet could talk, what would it say?   (fark.com) divider line 303
    More: Misc, etymology, social cognition, dog breeding, breeds of dogs, Middle English, French Alps, permanent settlement, other nations  
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2959 clicks; posted to Main » on 19 Jun 2013 at 3:58 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



303 Comments   (+0 »)
   
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2013-06-19 01:43:58 PM
My cat is kind of an asshole so she'd probably say something like "Hey, F*ckface! Stop trying to do anything else and pay attention to me until I get bored and try to bite you!"
 
2013-06-19 01:44:10 PM
"Look at that doggie outside!!!! OMG! OMG! Doggie!!! Let me out of the house so I can run free and sniff its butt!!!!"
 
2013-06-19 01:44:28 PM
she'd ask where the other dog went. since we put down the older dog, the young dog has been looking for her
 
2013-06-19 01:44:36 PM
"hey!" "hey!"

"hey!" "hey!"
 
2013-06-19 01:45:05 PM
When I'm eating:  Drop it, drop it, drop it. drop it!
 
2013-06-19 01:45:26 PM
What are you looking at?

img.fark.net

Are you freaking kidding me? Do I look like a reindeer to you?

img.fark.net

Ahh!! That's the stuff!

img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 01:45:46 PM
I have two dogs so..

"I want attention!"
"No, give me attention!"
 
2013-06-19 01:45:56 PM
"PET ME! PET ME! PET ME! PET ME! PET ME! PET ME! PET ME! PET ME! PET ME! PET ME!"
 
2013-06-19 01:46:37 PM
"That Rainbow Bridge stuff is bullshiat!"

(they're dead)
 
2013-06-19 01:47:05 PM

techmom: "That Rainbow Bridge stuff is bullshiat!"

(they're dead)


Thread killer
 
2013-06-19 01:47:28 PM
img.fark.net
The pooch is a good listener. Here I am telling him to not do drugs (at least MY drugs) and to stay in school.  Then I had to run him off to his Little League game.
 
2013-06-19 01:48:00 PM
"Why don't I exist?"
 
2013-06-19 01:48:44 PM
My dog would say "I require 1(one) biscuit please."
 
2013-06-19 01:48:44 PM
"Sup dog"

"Sup, hey I see what you did there, hah! Can I have a treat? I just peed in the yard and you usually give me a treat when I do that, here, I'll give you a highfive"
 
2013-06-19 01:48:52 PM
Want to go play ball?  Later?  Is it later?  Now?  Ball?  Now?  Now?  Now? Now?  Now?
 
2013-06-19 01:49:11 PM

techmom: "That Rainbow Bridge stuff is bullshiat!"

(they're dead)


I lol'd
 
2013-06-19 01:49:49 PM
Maybe my cat could tell me why he's recently developed the habit of pooping in front of the litterbox instead of in it.  But not every time.  Just some of the time.
My rabbit would probably say exactly what he says now.  Small grunts when he gets excited about food and nothing else.
 
2013-06-19 01:50:04 PM
It would likely look like 1/2 of twitter:

"I just ate, *random tinyurl*"
"I pooped, *random tinyurl*"
"I'm so wasted, *random tinyurl*"
 
2013-06-19 01:51:47 PM
MOM MOM MOM MOM MAMA MAMA MOM MOM MOMMIE MOMMIE MA MA MA MAMA MAMA MOMMIE MOMMIE MOM MOM MOM


(all 3 cats, in seriously off key non harmony, constantly)
 
2013-06-19 01:52:06 PM

Rev. Skarekroe: Maybe my cat could tell me why he's recently developed the habit of pooping in front of the litterbox instead of in it.  But not every time.  Just some of the time.
My rabbit would probably say exactly what he says now.  Small grunts when he gets excited about food and nothing else.


Clean its box or switch its litter.  Something about that box is pissing it off.  Or its sick.
 
2013-06-19 01:52:59 PM
food food food food
food food food food
 
2013-06-19 01:53:06 PM
My dogs fairly effectively communicate most of their needs, such as "the water dish is empty," "the door is in my way," "are you done with that?" and "dammit, other dog, I was laying here."

I would like to know what my male dog randomly whines about, though, because he does it a lot.  No, he's not injured.
 
2013-06-19 01:53:28 PM
"You! Monkey-boy. Make with those fancy opposable thumbs and crack open a can of fancy feast, like now-ish."
"yeah, mee toooo!!! I wuff yoouu!"
 
2013-06-19 01:54:02 PM

Rev. Skarekroe: Maybe my cat could tell me why he's recently developed the habit of pooping in front of the litterbox instead of in it.  But not every time.  Just some of the time.
My rabbit would probably say exactly what he says now.  Small grunts when he gets excited about food and nothing else.


take it to the vet, it's most likely sick
 
2013-06-19 01:54:16 PM
Let me out.

/which they kind of do.
 
2013-06-19 01:54:17 PM
"You masturbate a lot."
 
2013-06-19 01:54:34 PM
img.fark.net

What are you doing?? Wanna play??? Let's play!!!!!

img.fark.net

Ugh.
 
2013-06-19 01:55:03 PM
"I really need you to stop farting in my face.  It's not nearly as funny as you think it is."
 
2013-06-19 01:55:25 PM

I_C_Weener: "You masturbate a lot."


so your pet basically says "I see weener. A lot."
 
2013-06-19 01:57:39 PM
Was talking to Rams and BaldR today while getting their food. Told them I had just talked to Debbie and she asked about them (she was Rams' Foster mom for over a month).

BaldR is sitting and cocks his head to the side and looks straight in my eyes like "Oh yeah, she was a cool lady."
Rams is looking at the dish and going: "Food. Food. Food. Food. Food. Food. Food."

I talk to them because I'm lonely in that house. But that above is as far as it goes. Mostly just, have a good day?, need to go out?, wanna go for car ride?.... etc.
 
2013-06-19 01:59:20 PM
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 02:00:02 PM

Kyro: "I really need you to stop farting in my face.  It's not nearly as funny as you think it is."


New dog can fart up a storm.  I learned not to play the fart game with him.
 
2013-06-19 02:00:23 PM
Blind cat: Stop moving shiat!
Asshole cat: Fark you!
Old dog: Can I come up on the couch? Can I? Can I? Can I? Yes?!! Oh boy oy boy oh boy!!! Uggg .....uggg .... uh, a little help here! My arthritis you know ... whoa whoa ... DON'T GRAB ME THERE! ... ahhhhh ... Ok I'm good nap timzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Nutty dog: Red Alert! There are people walking the street and OH.MY.GOD!!! There's a dog with them! Off my lawn! Off my lawn!  Off my lawn!  Off my lawn!  Off my lawn!  Off my lawn!  Off my lawn!

 Rev. Skarekroe: : Something about that box is pissing it off. Or its sick.

Sometimes if a cat is having pain when using the liter box it thinks the liter box is causing the problem. If changing out the pans don't work, call the vet.
 
2013-06-19 02:03:44 PM
"Could you please unlatch the cabinet door so I could get to the garbage can again?"
 
2013-06-19 02:04:47 PM
i59.photobucket.com
 
2013-06-19 02:06:02 PM
My Cat (the other day when I removed him from my pillow):
"I hate you. I hate you. You better hope you don't die tonight because I would so eat you. You jerk."
 
2013-06-19 02:06:56 PM
"uh.. no. I am pretty sure this is my half of the bed."
 
2013-06-19 02:07:04 PM

CapeFearCadaver: Was talking to Rams and BaldR today while getting their food. Told them I had just talked to Debbie and she asked about them (she was Rams' Foster mom for over a month).

BaldR is sitting and cocks his head to the side and looks straight in my eyes like "Oh yeah, she was a cool lady."
Rams is looking at the dish and going: "Food. Food. Food. Food. Food. Food. Food."

I talk to them because I'm lonely in that house. But that above is as far as it goes. Mostly just, have a good day?, need to go out?, wanna go for car ride?.... etc.



I talk to mine all the time.  Actual one sided out loud conversations.  This is especially helpful if I'm mulling something over or just need to vent about something biatchy.  Rather than call a friend and vent over what is usually a "SBS got her panties all in a twist over something stupid" and bore the hell out of them for 30 minutes, the cats will sit and soak it up like I'm speaking the most important words ever spoken in that house.  Then I give them all treats and feel better because I got it out of my system, and didn't make a friend suffer for it.
 
2013-06-19 02:08:27 PM

NickelP: Rev. Skarekroe: Maybe my cat could tell me why he's recently developed the habit of pooping in front of the litterbox instead of in it.  But not every time.  Just some of the time.
My rabbit would probably say exactly what he says now.  Small grunts when he gets excited about food and nothing else.

Clean its box or switch its litter.  Something about that box is pissing it off.  Or its sick.


All that. Also might want to try using a different kitty litter brand. Maybe the litter gets caught in his toes.
 
2013-06-19 02:09:06 PM
I'm hungry!
I'm hungry!
I'm hungry!
I'm hungry!
I'm hungry!
I'm hungry!
 
2013-06-19 02:09:12 PM

You look funny upside-down

img.fark.net



I love cuddles
img.fark.net

I'm happy you rescued me
img.fark.net
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 02:11:39 PM
This one could use a caption:
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 02:12:25 PM

msupf: You look funny upside-down
[img.fark.net image 800x600]

I love cuddles
[img.fark.net image 800x600]

I'm happy you rescued me
[img.fark.net image 800x600]
[img.fark.net image 800x600]


That dog is rediculous
 
2013-06-19 02:13:55 PM

NickelP: Clean its box or switch its litter. Something about that box is pissing it off. Or its sick.


Yeah, the reason I don't think he's sick is that he's got two boxes and he doesn't do it with the other box.  And he doesn't pee outside the box.
The box in question has a lid - maybe he doesn't like the way it smells in there
 
2013-06-19 02:15:38 PM

msupf: This one could use a caption:
[img.fark.net image 800x600]


"The neighbor 7 houses down just got home, yep, there's the door closing."

or

"the f*ck you lookin' at?"
 
2013-06-19 02:16:13 PM
"I liked you better when you had a job."
 
2013-06-19 02:16:26 PM

msupf: You look funny upside-down
[img.fark.net image 800x600]

I love cuddles
[img.fark.net image 800x600]

I'm happy you rescued me
[img.fark.net image 800x600]
[img.fark.net image 800x600]



ZOMG I want to steal him and hug him every day.
 
2013-06-19 02:18:06 PM

DonWrite: "uh.. no. I am pretty sure this is my half of the bed."


Ug. I hate that one! I even have an old comforter folder in half length wise just for them... but Nooooo, Rams wants Mommy's side, even when Mommy is already on her side.
 
2013-06-19 02:18:19 PM
them damn goats will lie I tell ya...
 
2013-06-19 02:20:12 PM
Someone already invented lolcats.
 
2013-06-19 02:21:52 PM
img.fark.net

This one, BaldR was saying: "Please make the 90 pound puppy stop jumping on me?! I'm too old for this sh*t!"
 
2013-06-19 02:23:27 PM
Crap. I wouldn't have used real dog names if I knew this was going green...

:/
 
2013-06-19 02:24:43 PM

CapeFearCadaver: DonWrite: "uh.. no. I am pretty sure this is my half of the bed."

Ug. I hate that one! I even have an old comforter folder in half length wise just for them... but Nooooo, Rams wants Mommy's side, even when Mommy is already on her side.


Yeah. And I'm 6'5" and my wife is like 5'4, so the cat could just sleep on the other side of the bed with no problems... jerk.
 
2013-06-19 02:24:46 PM
imageshack.us
 
2013-06-19 02:25:16 PM
i.imgur.com
Come get this stick. NO I AM NOT GETTING OUT OF THE WATER.   You come in.

i.imgur.com

Sup.  Yeah, I know I'm a good dog.

i.imgur.com

Throw it again.  Throw it in the pool again.
 
2013-06-19 02:28:00 PM
My cats wouldn't say a damn thing.  Because they don't need to.
 
2013-06-19 02:28:04 PM
img.fark.net

"I had to pee THREE HOURS AGO, asshole!!"
 
2013-06-19 02:28:22 PM
In unison: "OMFG! There's kids! Getting off the school bus! Are they coming to play with us?!"

i.imgur.com
 
2013-06-19 02:35:09 PM
24.media.tumblr.com
I KEEP THESE NOSEFOODS FOR A REASON! STOP TAKING THEM!
 
2013-06-19 02:37:26 PM
Bossy/Clingy cat: "You went to work yesterday. And the day before. You can't leave today."
Chill cat: "Get more crunchy food while you're out."
 
2013-06-19 02:39:13 PM
img.fark.net

Next time get your own beer, douche.
 
2013-06-19 02:40:23 PM

msupf: I'm happy you rescued me
[img.fark.net image 800x600]


Thread over. Cutest dog pic of the day!

Kinda reminds me of...

images3.wikia.nocookie.net
 
2013-06-19 02:40:31 PM
"Put some goddamn clothes on, you freak!"
 
2013-06-19 02:41:03 PM
i22.photobucket.com

"I love beer....beery beer beer....down it goes....down into my belly."
 
2013-06-19 02:41:42 PM
i22.photobucket.com
 
2013-06-19 02:42:45 PM
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 02:43:57 PM
You're right, they do smell like fritos.
imageshack.us
 
2013-06-19 02:44:43 PM

Mitch Taylor's Bro: msupf: I'm happy you rescued me
[img.fark.net image 800x600]

Thread over. Cutest dog pic of the day!

Kinda reminds me of...

[images3.wikia.nocookie.net image 373x479]


I could go sappier/cuter
 
2013-06-19 02:44:50 PM
img.fark.net
"I'd very much like some of whatever it is that you are eating."
 
2013-06-19 02:45:35 PM

Blues_X: [img.fark.net image 850x633]
"I'd very much like some of whatever it is that you are eating."


love that pic
 
2013-06-19 02:46:08 PM
www.dudelol.com
 
2013-06-19 02:46:37 PM

msupf: Mitch Taylor's Bro: msupf: I'm happy you rescued me
[img.fark.net image 800x600]

Thread over. Cutest dog pic of the day!

Kinda reminds me of...

[images3.wikia.nocookie.net image 373x479]

I could go sappier/cuter


Nah, save it for the next Caturday thread.
 
2013-06-19 02:49:51 PM
Rub my belly, rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  rub my belly,  COOKIE!
 
2013-06-19 02:51:43 PM
img.fark.net

WHAR BACON?????
 
2013-06-19 02:51:47 PM

Warchild: [img.fark.net image 498x587]

Next time get your own beer, douche.


lulz
 
2013-06-19 02:54:52 PM
My cats would still just randomly "meow" just to frustrate me.
 
2013-06-19 02:55:19 PM
img.fark.net
A NEW SOFA, FOR ME TO CHEW ON?!
 
2013-06-19 02:56:05 PM
Why, hello there! I was thinking it was maybe possibly time for you to go to that magical door and get me some tasty food out. Perhaps some carrots this time around, yes?
imageshack.us
 
2013-06-19 02:56:15 PM
img.fark.net
"Get your own cave!"
 
2013-06-19 02:59:32 PM

James!: [24.media.tumblr.com image 500x500]
I KEEP THESE NOSEFOODS FOR A REASON! STOP TAKING THEM!


Yes!  Exactly!
 
2013-06-19 03:00:23 PM
What you thinking about?

img.fark.net
Nothing much.  Dog stuff.
 
2013-06-19 03:01:24 PM
i.imgur.com

If you don't throw this I might die.

i76.photobucket.com

If we don't go for a walk soon I might die.

i76.photobucket.com

Grab the other end.  Grab on.  I dare you.
 
2013-06-19 03:02:09 PM
photos.imageevent.com

"Swimming is awesome."
 
2013-06-19 03:07:50 PM
"Sigh, this is the life... I'm soooo happy! :)"
i.imgur.com

"What the f*ck did you just say to me?!"
i.imgur.com
 
2013-06-19 03:10:31 PM
The pale white biped...needs to shave his balls.
 
2013-06-19 03:12:06 PM
http://youtu.be/PKffm2uI4dk

Best Cat youtube clip ever.
 
2013-06-19 03:13:46 PM
 i88.photobucket.com
 
2013-06-19 03:16:34 PM
When he was little:
img.fark.net
"Whatever you find, I didn't have anything to do with it."

Now:
"LETMEOUTLETMEOUTLETMEOUT there's a bird! *point* *pause* Why didn't you shoot it?! You had one job!"
 
2013-06-19 03:18:13 PM

costermonger: When he was little:
[img.fark.net image 720x480]
"Whatever you find, I didn't have anything to do with it."

Now:
"LETMEOUTLETMEOUTLETMEOUT there's a bird! *point* *pause* Why didn't you shoot it?! You had one job!"


HA!  My dog gives me a dirty look if I miss a pheasant.
 
2013-06-19 03:19:26 PM
"Put some clothes on! Geez!"
 
2013-06-19 03:21:12 PM

myschief: HA!  My dog gives me a dirty look if I miss a pheasant.


Yeah, there's no exaggeration with the "you had one job" bit. There's a distinctly incredulous and fed-up look that he throws.
 
2013-06-19 03:23:47 PM
"Pride leader, you are the alpha and omega of my life. I offer you this kitty blunt and pee as a representation of my servitude. Ack. Thb."
 
2013-06-19 03:28:46 PM
"Is this my new forever home? Awesome! Thank you! *slurp*"
i.imgur.com
 
2013-06-19 03:31:06 PM
If you don't want me to bite your swinging balls, put on a pair of pants.
 
2013-06-19 03:33:11 PM

myschief: http://youtu.be/PKffm2uI4dk

Best Cat youtube clip ever.


Heh!
 
2013-06-19 03:35:25 PM
I can haz cheesburger?

/23 lb Maine Coon named, "Turtle."
//Best. Cat. Ever!
///She thinks she's still a tiny kitten.
 
2013-06-19 03:53:13 PM

msupf: This one could use a caption:
[img.fark.net image 800x600]


img195.imageshack.us
or "Wadda you mean no treat",
"Ready to go the vet? ~ Noooooo"
 
2013-06-19 03:57:49 PM
What the hell is that thing?

i44.tinypic.com
 
2013-06-19 03:57:59 PM
Areyoudoneeatingthatyet?CanIhaveit?Areyoudoneeatingthatyet?CanIhaveit? Areyoudoneeatingthatyet?CanIhaveit?Areyoudoneeatingthatyet?CanIhaveit? Areyoudoneeatingthatyet?CanIhaveit?Areyoudoneeatingthatyet?CanIhaveit? Areyoudoneeatingthatyet?CanIhaveit?Areyoudoneeatingthatyet?CanIhaveit?
 
2013-06-19 03:59:47 PM
"Feed me cat poop."

(he's a good dog, otherwise)
 
2013-06-19 04:00:41 PM
I want steak.

/obvious
 
2013-06-19 04:01:15 PM
Sorry I had to leave, yesterday, but I was like 90 in cat years and I just ran out of gas. - Kitty Mew.   :  (
 
2013-06-19 04:01:39 PM
Why aren't you dead yet, you are like 270 years old.
 
2013-06-19 04:01:44 PM
languagelog.ldc.upenn.edu
 
2013-06-19 04:02:49 PM
Whar wet food!?!

-Kitty Cash

Leave me alone!

-Mr. Toitle
 
2013-06-19 04:04:28 PM
In his "younger" years:
img.fark.net
He just got diagnosed with Lupus this week.
I burst into tears during my "if it comes down to it, we're not going to let him suffer" speech with the kids. Embarrassing.
Hopefully we can control it with meds.
 
2013-06-19 04:05:06 PM

Shaggydum80: My cat is kind of an asshole so she'd probably say something like "Hey, F*ckface! Stop trying to do anything else and pay attention to me until I get bored and try to bite you!"


and we are done...
 
2013-06-19 04:05:07 PM
Dog: OH WOW! YOU'RE HOME!! I MISSED YOU!! WOW!! WOW!! WOW!! THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME!!

Cat: I would kill you if I were bigger.
 
2013-06-19 04:05:12 PM
"I want steak"
 
2013-06-19 04:06:17 PM

Jerkwater: Dog: OH WOW! YOU'RE HOME!! I MISSED YOU!! WOW!! WOW!! WOW!! THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME!!

Cat: I would kill you if I were bigger.


Whar like button? Whar?
 
2013-06-19 04:06:25 PM
img.fark.net
Throw the ball!  Throw the ball!  Throw the ball.  Throw the . . . I'm hungry. Food!  Food!!  Food!!!
 
2013-06-19 04:06:38 PM

msupf: You're right, they do smell like fritos.
[imageshack.us image 800x600]


I am so glad that I am not the only one who has thought of frito paw. I thought I was nuts until I googled it. My basset smells like corn chips for about a week and then it is time for a bath.
 
2013-06-19 04:07:31 PM
"chase me around with the vacuum cleaner again and I'll piss on your bed next time instead of the carpet"
 
2013-06-19 04:07:31 PM
Get out of  my chair
 
2013-06-19 04:07:44 PM
img.fark.net


"My name is Ryder.  I destroy worlds."
 
2013-06-19 04:07:47 PM
Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!!dad!!DAD! DAD!! DADDADDAD! dad!!! DAD!!!
 
2013-06-19 04:08:38 PM
Parrot would say "Next time would you mind putting the cover over my cage before you try to surprise her with anal?"
 
2013-06-19 04:09:54 PM
Ball, ball, ball, STEAK, ball, ball, belly rub, snuggle.

/rescued a wonderful golden retriever
 
2013-06-19 04:10:19 PM
img.fark.net
Why is the jerky gone?


img.fark.net

Tea.  Earl Grey.  Hot.

img.fark.net

The teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind.
 
2013-06-19 04:10:19 PM
"That ball I just dropped at your feet ain't gonna throw itself."
 
2013-06-19 04:10:36 PM
Your pets don't talk? Ruh roh
 
2013-06-19 04:10:52 PM

oldfarthenry: In his "younger" years:
[img.fark.net image 320x238]
He just got diagnosed with Lupus this week.
I burst into tears during my "if it comes down to it, we're not going to let him suffer" speech with the kids. Embarrassing.
Hopefully we can control it with meds.


I think one of the worse fates I've seen a dog suffer is liver disease. My sister's dog's liver shrank and there was a chemical that built up in her body, specifically the brain, that caused her a lot of pain to the point she would try the squeeze her head by trying to shove it between walls and furniture.
 
2013-06-19 04:11:20 PM
"Why do you masturbate every time I watch you from a hole in the ceiling?"
 
2013-06-19 04:11:23 PM
Dog: "Play? Play? Play? Play? Play? Play? Play? Food? Food? Food? Food? Food? Food? Food? Food? Play? Play? Play? Play? Play? Play? Bacon! Bacon! Oh, bacon, bacon, bacon!"

Cat: "Yawn. Losers. igottahurryupandbeoverhere!"
 
2013-06-19 04:11:50 PM
Squirrel...SQUIRREL!!!  Do you SEE THE SQUIRREL!!!!!

BACON!!! BACON!!!

Squirrel

Oooohh cat poop
 
2013-06-19 04:12:26 PM
Pretty much covered here:
http://textfromdog.tumblr.com/
 
2013-06-19 04:13:11 PM

busy chillin': "hey!" "hey!"

"hey!" "hey!"


m5.paperblog.com
 
2013-06-19 04:13:33 PM
Please stop . . . my butthole can't take it any more.

/ something, something, empty bowl, something.
 
2013-06-19 04:13:50 PM
"...and then the freak in the mask and gloves came at me with the scalpel, and next thing I remember my nutsack hurt and I had this stupid-ass cone around my neck!"
 
2013-06-19 04:13:55 PM
"You want me to go pee in the rain? Nope not going to happen, that is what the bathroom rug is for."
 
2013-06-19 04:13:58 PM
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 04:14:14 PM
Cat #1 (damaged stray): "Ahhh, thank you for petting me, I really like...WHY ARE YOU  LOOKING AT ME??!!!  AAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!"

Cat #2: "Let me lick the tapioca out of your bowl or I swear on all that is holy I WILL stab you in your sleep."

Dog #1: "You gonna eat that?"

Dog #2: (another damage stray): "What did I do wrong? You're going to beat me, aren't you?"

Dog #3: (rescued from aging relatives): "ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou ThankYou "
 
2013-06-19 04:15:19 PM
"Hold that thought, I need to chew on my ass for about five minutes."
 
2013-06-19 04:16:24 PM
I! Love! You! Let! Me! Eat! Your! Nose! Bring! It! Down! A! Little! Closer!

Each exclamation is a jump into the air.
 
2013-06-19 04:19:26 PM

DontMakeMeComeBackThere: Dog #2: (another damage stray): "What did I do wrong? You're going to beat me, aren't you?"


I have one of those, don't wear a hat or try to pet her without sitting down. Oh and she doesn't bark at humans, cats yes humans at most get a squeak if she really likes you.
 
2013-06-19 04:19:27 PM
Rescue Corgi: kill it kill it kill it I wuv u soooo mu--Food now!

St. Bernard: duuhh...what?
 
2013-06-19 04:19:38 PM
I expect my Chinchilla would sound like Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction quoting the Bible.
 
2013-06-19 04:19:55 PM
upload.wikimedia.org

Hay asshole, I'm sick of crickets, I need a mate, and you never pick me up anymore. You suck, give me to a better human.

/leopard gecko for sale. cheap.
 
2013-06-19 04:20:45 PM
"Listen human, if you don't want me to walk across you and stick my whiskers in your face at 4 am I got one word for you ALBACORE.  Okay, make that two words ALBACORE FILET."

walks away grumbling to herself " I swear I am one can of no-brand tuna from ripping her face off"

Bipolar tabby, loves you soooo much in the morning, tries to kill you and dismember you in the evening .
 
2013-06-19 04:20:46 PM

Anastacya: msupf: You're right, they do smell like fritos.
[imageshack.us image 800x600]

I am so glad that I am not the only one who has thought of frito paw. I thought I was nuts until I googled it. My basset smells like corn chips for about a week and then it is time for a bath.


when my dog gets cozy under a blanket or sheet she gives off a smell very much like classic Doritos. Doesn't matter if she had a bath that day. Between that and the foot frites, she's all that and two bags of chips.
 
2013-06-19 04:22:01 PM
CHIPMONK!
 
2013-06-19 04:22:02 PM
My cat, Hay you big dummy I'm hungry, Hay you big dummy let me out, Hay you big dummy scatch my back, Hay you big dummy let me in etc. etc.
 
2013-06-19 04:23:02 PM
Have you seen my balls? I went to sleep and woke up and now they are gone
 
2013-06-19 04:23:12 PM
"I have something incredible to show you right now!"

/cat
//says it often
 
2013-06-19 04:23:26 PM
My dog would be asking me why I rolled over when she was just about to go to sleep.  She lifts her head and gives me a look like "WTF was that all about? I was comfortable".
 
2013-06-19 04:24:44 PM
I miss my poopsie, she died a couple weeks ago.  Such a cool cat, I can only say she would ask for more beer, bc that's would we'd do together while watching tv.  Not her own beer, I would share mine.
 
2013-06-19 04:27:05 PM
"How very strange to possess another being."
 
2013-06-19 04:27:18 PM
We have 4 cats.  Each of them actually speaks their own language of a sort.  And oddly enough, both my wife and I understand what they are saying.  Normally it's "give me a treat", "fill the cat bowl", or "can I go outside?".

There is also the one whom, if you walk by while he's laying down, and fail to acknowledge his presense, he will swat you and say something like, "Hey, dick!!  I'm right here!"

We have another one that's in heat right now.  She never shuts up.  She just goes on and on about how badly she wants to have sex.
 
2013-06-19 04:27:18 PM
I'm ashamed of you, hooman...


img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 04:27:33 PM
"All dogs go to heaven? Seriously?"
 
2013-06-19 04:27:43 PM

Blues_X: [photos.imageevent.com image 720x540]

"Swimming is awesome."


Your dog is so adorable.
 
2013-06-19 04:27:54 PM
Cat: LASERLASERLASER! ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK!
 
2013-06-19 04:28:13 PM
What, if he could talk now? Easy. "Brrrraaaaaiiiinnnnsssss."

/hit by a car in '08
 
2013-06-19 04:29:37 PM

busy chillin': "hey!" "hey!"

"hey!" "hey!"


came for this.

/+1
 
2013-06-19 04:30:52 PM
img.fark.net
Oh, Laaaaaaaancey!
 
2013-06-19 04:31:34 PM

LeroyBourne: I miss my poopsie, she died a couple weeks ago.  Such a cool cat, I can only say she would ask for more beer, bc that's would we'd do together while watching tv.  Not her own beer, I would share mine.


I had a cat once get drunk off sharing my mudslides.

The next morning, we found the cat, sitting on my bathrobe, peeing, glaring at me whilst growling.  I suspect he had the mother of all hangovers.
 
2013-06-19 04:31:35 PM
"Mommy get the fark off the computer and PET ME. Then FEED me. No wait, I want to go outside. No wait, I want to come back in! FEED ME AGAIN, get off the farking computer, PET ME, LEAVE ME ALONE, LET ME OUT NOOOOWWWWW, I want inside NOW!"


img.fark.net
 
GBB
2013-06-19 04:32:19 PM
FOOD!!!!   Foody food food.   Food food food!!!
Sleep.
 
2013-06-19 04:32:21 PM
durbnpoisn:

We have another one that's in heat right now.  She never shuts up.  She just goes on and on about how badly she wants to have sex.

What's her Fark handle?
 
2013-06-19 04:32:57 PM
"You'll have to sew 'em back on first."
img.fark.net
/i have a siberian hamster
 
2013-06-19 04:33:43 PM
My belly. Rub it.

img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 04:34:07 PM
img.fark.net
Inschpector Picklesh, reportingsh for dutiesh. Why yesh, peoplesh have shed I remind them of a low-budget Schhhhhhawn Connery. Aaaaaachtapusshy.
 
2013-06-19 04:35:18 PM
I hate playing Ghandi, biatches breed like rabbits

img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 04:36:55 PM

RatMaster999: [img.fark.net image 850x637]
Why is the jerky gone?


[img.fark.net image 668x561]

Tea.  Earl Grey.  Hot.

[img.fark.net image 640x480]

The teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind.


Glad my wife was not here to see those, I told her about the baby dumbos me and the boys saw in Pet Smart today and I could hear her coo through the texts. Either that or that farking parrot wasn't actually dead all the way.

Love pet rats.
 
2013-06-19 04:37:07 PM
Greyhound day:

"I love you!"

"Time to eat?"

"Time to pee?"

*snooze*

"Yay, walk!"

"I love you!"

*snooze*

repeat as necessary
 
2013-06-19 04:38:04 PM
Large tuxedo cat: "Feed me. I love bags. Don't pet me.  AAAA! THE BAG MADE A SOUND! Feed me. Don't touch me! No touch. Wait, is that food? I LOVE FOOD! Wait, where are you going? I can't eat if you don't pet me."

Small defective ragdoll cat: "I am sad. Everything is sad. This scratching pad is sad. YAY RIBBON! I love ribbon. Hold on, I have to put my ribbon in my food bowl. Go ahead, eat up, ribbon. Ribbon isn't eating. Ribbon is dead! EVERYTHING IS SAD!"
 
2013-06-19 04:39:57 PM
My cat:
  "Oh God...man...farking put on some clothes"
 "how about fish"
  "It is time to feed me again"
  "Oh those are black pants, how convenient, my summer coat is coming in"
  "oh my, don't go back there for a while.... oh it is following me, hold your breath"
 
GBB
2013-06-19 04:39:57 PM

Rev. Skarekroe: Maybe my cat could tell me why he's recently developed the habit of pooping in front of the litter box instead of in it.  But not every time.  Just some of the time.


My cat couldn't figure out the litter box.  Got in, and pooped over the side.  Did it all the time.   And she didn't understand how to bury.  She always pawed outside the box and not where she pooped.  Damn annoying, but not sick.
 
2013-06-19 04:40:34 PM
 
2013-06-19 04:41:14 PM

The_Sponge: [i22.photobucket.com image 319x252]


Hahaha...I got funny looks from co-workers on that one...
 
2013-06-19 04:41:30 PM
5am "ATTENTION!  There are BIRDS outside!  LOTS of them!  If you will please just open the door a crack it will be a BLOODBATH!"

(Indoor cat who will never quit believing that ONE DAY she will be able to murder all those little feathery bastardos)
 
2013-06-19 04:41:46 PM
"I don't CARE if that's your side of the bed.  I was here FIRST."
 
2013-06-19 04:42:20 PM
KibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibb leKibbleKibbleKibble KibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleK ibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibbleKibble
 
2013-06-19 04:43:02 PM
No means no good sir
 
2013-06-19 04:43:46 PM
"I'm going to need some Astroglide and a new cushion in my kennel. And keep your goddamned ball-licking Lhasa Apso away from me."
 
2013-06-19 04:44:41 PM
img.fark.net*



*I've always considered brap jr. a pet more than a son, that is until tax season comes around, then I consider him quadruplets.
 
2013-06-19 04:45:19 PM
"Thanks QA for feeding me and taking me in and deworming me and vaccinating and fixing me!"
"Me too!"

/Got two now
 
2013-06-19 04:45:48 PM
I eat everything!
 
2013-06-19 04:46:13 PM
Great thread, lot's of laughs. It's so wonderful that so many people here take such good care of their pets. :-)
 
2013-06-19 04:46:25 PM
"Hey Crocodile Hunter, I'm a hermit crab, not a farking camel. How about putting a little water in this dish before a farking dust storm starts. And is this what you call a "habitat"? Pffft. This stick isn't ambiance, its an impediment. Do you expect me to jump over it every time I go to the other side of the tank? What am I, a farking grasshopper?"
 
2013-06-19 04:49:24 PM
farm3.staticflickr.com

But "Meow" works.
 
2013-06-19 04:49:46 PM

oldfarthenry: In his "younger" years:

He just got diagnosed with Lupus this week.
I burst into tears during my "if it comes down to it, we're not going to let him suffer" speech with the kids. Embarrassing.
Hopefully we can control it with meds.


:(

I'm so sorry to hear that!

As for what my cat would say:

"this food sucks. This water sucks. My collar sucks, I hate you, I hate your family, leave me alone."
 
2013-06-19 04:50:10 PM
I'm convinced our cat calls me Fat Bastard.  You can just see it in her face.  Hates having her picture taken.  "I swear to God, Fat Bastard, I will strangle you with that strap and shove that thing up your ass!"
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 04:50:40 PM
"Can I fark that? No? How 'bout that?  No? Can I eat that?  No?  How bout that? No?  I'm gonna pee on that, ok?  And that too....Oh and that....Can I fark that?  That?  This?  I'm gonna eat that!  And that too!  Can i fark you?  Eat you?  Pee on you?  No?  Pet me!  Again!  And again!  Ahhh, right there.  Again!"
 
2013-06-19 04:50:43 PM
img.fark.net
'Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to.. leap... zzzzzz.'
 
2013-06-19 04:51:07 PM
"I'm bored!" ... "Feed me!" ... "I'm bored!" ... "Feed me!" ... repeat until death or insanity.
 
2013-06-19 04:51:18 PM
"Peter Pan is better than Skippy."

/I keed
 
2013-06-19 04:54:16 PM
The tortise shell would cuss like a sailor
The grey tabby would shriek in terror over everything
The black one would politely ask if he may sit in your lap for the rest of the night
 
2013-06-19 04:55:22 PM
"¿Que?"

img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 04:56:28 PM
People people people oh my people are home. Here's a toy here's a toy here's a toy throw it throw it throw it. OH DEAR GOD THERE'S A SQUIREL AND A BUNNY IN THE YARD!!!! Get out of here bunny and squirel. Oh you are so lucky I can't come through this window. I will kill you!

I just got my first dog when I was in my early thirties. Love the big mutt like crazy and don't know how I went without one for so long.

She didn't quite know what to think the morning a hawk had gotten the dead squirel carcass out of the street and was eating in our yard. Crazy thing is we are no where even near living out in the country. There is a raptor rehab place a few blocks away though.
 
2013-06-19 04:57:53 PM
Staffie the Blue Heeler says:  I'm a cranky old biatch with no sense of humor and I'm just going to lay here and shed my thick, sticky hair that will infest the entire house.  Oh yeah, and I'm going to bark at shiat that ain't there, hope you don't mind at three in the morning.
 
2013-06-19 04:58:21 PM
2 dogs
Let's go for a ride!
Roll down the window so I can smell and woof!
Easy on the brakes and corners!

Please let me under the covers
Do NOT make me share my bones
 
2013-06-19 04:58:25 PM

oldfarthenry: In his "younger" years:
[img.fark.net image 320x238]
He just got diagnosed with Lupus this week.
I burst into tears during my "if it comes down to it, we're not going to let him suffer" speech with the kids. Embarrassing.
Hopefully we can control it with meds.


Chin up Henry.  Crying at appropriate times in front of your kids shouldn't be embarrassing.   My dad, who died last year, cried twice in all the years I knew him.  Once when his brother passed and once when our Golden died.  It was one of the things I loved and admired about him.
 
2013-06-19 05:01:47 PM

busy chillin': "hey!" "hey!"

"hey!" "hey!"


pretty much this. or like the dogs in up.
 
2013-06-19 05:03:51 PM
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 05:05:41 PM
I have an aggressive yet adorable cockatiel who has recently learned how to imitate a wolf whistle, soo...

"How YOU doin'? How YOU doin'? How YU-...no, back off screechscreechscreechscreech...Hey wait, where are you going? Come back here so I may harass you in front of the parakeet...he likes to watch. And bring food."
 
2013-06-19 05:07:56 PM
My dog died recently so I haz a sad and not getting a kick....

But my brother has 2 really obnoxious dogs and here's what they'd say:

Dog1: this guy drinks so much red wine.  Just marinates himself in it.
Dog2: if he drops dead and no one comes for the body, I got dibs on the femurs.
 
2013-06-19 05:08:09 PM
"I miss my brother."
 
2013-06-19 05:08:40 PM

msupf: This one could use a caption:
[img.fark.net image 800x600]



Yes, it could.


img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 05:09:01 PM
My mums cat has a major thing going on with my hair. Every time I visit, the cat annoys the crap out of me until I give in to her wishes. Several minutes of rolling in my hair, licking it, pawing it and a generous portion of cheek rubbing later, I emerge from the ordeal with my hair literally looking like a cat got dragged through it. I try and film it each time it happens, just in case someone asks...
As for the cat? post hair-fix, she acts as though she's high on a 'nip trip, crashes out and about half an hour later, has to demand her food bowl is empty.
I guess if that silly cat had something to say, it would be something on the lines of 'don't shave your head, I absolutely LOOOOVE your hair... omg, hair... your hair smells GOOD... and I'm going to annoy you constantly until you cave in to my wishes, gosh, I really need a hair fix...!'

I have threatened to shave my head just to annoy that cat, but haven't the bottle to actually do it.
 
2013-06-19 05:09:23 PM
I gotta pee, but im probably gonna see a squirrel or hear another dog bark and forget i have to pee and then need to be let out again in 20 minutes.

img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 05:09:43 PM
Funny, my pet already does:

"Colonel!" Translation: I did something bad and you are going to be pissed.
"WHAT." Translation: You are interrupting my naptime.
"CreamCreamCreamCream!" Translation: I want some of your ice cream (just a taste man, just a little taste).
"Hello?" Translation: The phone is ringing off the hook. You gonna get that?
And here's the dead giveaway.

"Pretty Birdie" Translation: I am happy, but can you look at me?
She also does one-off repeats of conversations (around the last 5 minutes of conversation), and she laughs (which sounds exactly like a woman's laugh).

The bird? A Green Cheeked Conure.
 
2013-06-19 05:11:44 PM
brap:
img.fark.net

Inschpector Picklesh, reportingsh for dutiesh. Why yesh, peoplesh have shed I remind them of a low-budget Schhhhhhawn Connery. Aaaaaachtapusshy.


He was on TV in Chicago!
img.fark.net

img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 05:11:45 PM
Mr. Toitle:

STOP TOUCHING ME!
 
2013-06-19 05:12:46 PM

1-phenylpropan-2-amine: [img.fark.net image 500x283]



Ellen!  Ellen!

http://www.youtube.com/w atch?v=f-Kt_kuYVtU


/ thanks for the reminder
 
2013-06-19 05:14:23 PM
My cat would say, "Is that the mailman I hear? Gottaeathim,gottaeathim! Now! Let me out, my territory, mine I tell you!" And then, "Yes, you may pet me, but not more than 3 times. If you go over, I will bite you." and further, "If you ignore me, I will rise up and smite your calf, leaving a set of fang marks, explain that one why don't you?"
 
2013-06-19 05:15:03 PM
Meow.  Meow.  Meow,  Meow, motherfarker!  can't you hear me meowing over here?  Now get up and feed me!  I'm already late for my schedule of furniture destroying events for the day.  And a nap. I could really go for a nap.
 
2013-06-19 05:15:20 PM

hammettman: My dog died recently so I haz a sad and not getting a kick....

But my brother has 2 really obnoxious dogs and here's what they'd say:

Dog1: this guy drinks so much red wine.  Just marinates himself in it.
Dog2: if he drops dead and no one comes for the body, I got dibs on the femurs.


Sorry to hear this. It is never easy to lose one of our four footed friends.
 
2013-06-19 05:15:58 PM

mactobain: I want steak.


That took way too long in this thread.
 
2013-06-19 05:16:04 PM
img.fark.net
Turn it on, Turn it on. Turn it on. Turn it on. Turn it on.
*runs over to me*
Jerk!
*runs back*
Turn it on, Turn it on. Turn it on. Turn it on. Turn it on.
(repeat)
 
2013-06-19 05:16:18 PM
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity ...
 
2013-06-19 05:18:04 PM
Run for your lives!! Richard Gere is in the area.
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 05:18:53 PM

1-phenylpropan-2-amine: [img.fark.net image 500x283]


img.fark.net

"ALAN!   ALAN!   AL!  ALAN!  AL! AL!  ALAN!"

"Wait - that's never Alan..."
 
2013-06-19 05:26:28 PM
My cat would say, "That dog is a dick!"

My dog would probably say, "Meow."  She's none too bright.
 
2013-06-19 05:27:05 PM
img.fark.net

Thank you for saving me from that dust lot in the middle of butt-fark nowhere texas.
 
2013-06-19 05:27:17 PM
Is... is that a steak??

img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 05:29:58 PM
img.photobucket.com
"Pllllbtttt"
 
2013-06-19 05:30:07 PM
img.fark.net

"Why do you keep calling me a little prick?"
 
2013-06-19 05:30:37 PM
My cat talks all the time. He says things like "Booooored!", "Where are you?", "K, I'm coming", "Yes I'm hungry", "What?", "You are awesome", "I want to play", "DIE you farking straw, DIE", "DO NOT WANT", and "Fark you".

Not much, I would say pets have a really small vocabulary. But I can understand everything because I really listen to them.
 
2013-06-19 05:31:57 PM
img.fark.net

*wink*  Who loves you baby?!
 
2013-06-19 05:33:16 PM
"Can you lube up first, please?"
 
2013-06-19 05:34:32 PM
"If you love something, pee on it."
 
2013-06-19 05:39:28 PM
So many awesome pets in here!
 
2013-06-19 05:40:13 PM
You can get off me now if you're done.
 
2013-06-19 05:40:55 PM
cowgirl toffee:If you love something pee on it..if it leaves you, it was never yours to begin with.

Plus now it has your pee on it.
 
2013-06-19 05:43:57 PM
"Oh yeah, like you wouldn't do the same thing if you were this flexible."
 
2013-06-19 05:45:33 PM
How I feel about my hairless monkeys (aka:  'The Thumbs')

i112.photobucket.com
 
2013-06-19 05:46:24 PM

I_C_Weener: "You masturbate a lot."


"...and why do you keep looking at me when you do it?!"  O_O
 
2013-06-19 05:50:30 PM
"So, we noticed that you and your female person brought home two tiny, human-looking things a couple weeks ago, and their primary function at this time seems to be making loud noises, bad smells, and sleeping (not all at the same time).  This worries us to no end. What are they???"
-My 2 dogs

PS- "FEED US. OK, NOW, THROW THIS TENNIS BALL."
 
2013-06-19 05:51:44 PM
what is my bidding my master
 
2013-06-19 05:52:39 PM
img.fark.netimg.fark.netimg.fark.net

/RIP my LOVE...I MISS YOU SOOO MUCH!!!
 
2013-06-19 05:55:11 PM

eas81: [img.fark.net image 850x637][img.fark.net image 768x1024][img.fark.net image 612x816]

/RIP my LOVE...I MISS YOU SOOO MUCH!!!


My condolences, bro.  It's gonna hurt a lot when my girl goes.
 
2013-06-19 06:01:43 PM
OH BOY! OH BOY! OH BOY! GOING FOR A WALK! MY FAVORITE THING EVER!

OH BOY! OH BOY! OH BOY! HEAD SCRITCHES! MY FAVORITE THING EVER!

OH BOY! OH BOY! OH BOY! A FULL FOOD DISH! MY FAVORITE THING EVER!

OH BOY! OH BOY! OH BOY! BELLY RUBS! MY FAVORITE THING EVER!

OH BOY! OH BOY! OH BOY! A GAME OF "FETCH"! MY FAVORITE THING EVER!
 
2013-06-19 06:07:48 PM

NickelP: Rev. Skarekroe: Maybe my cat could tell me why he's recently developed the habit of pooping in front of the litterbox instead of in it.  But not every time.  Just some of the time.
My rabbit would probably say exactly what he says now.  Small grunts when he gets excited about food and nothing else.

Clean its box or switch its litter.  Something about that box is pissing it off.  Or its sick.


Clean its his box or switch its his litter.  Something about that box is pissing it him off.  Or its he's sick.

FTFY

/Great advice though, you are 100% correct
//Also, look up the difference between its and it's
 
2013-06-19 06:14:06 PM
cat fud --->
 
2013-06-19 06:22:55 PM

Bawdy George: cat fud --->


oh pleeeeeeeeeeease
 
2013-06-19 06:24:11 PM

eauque: NickelP: Rev. Skarekroe: Maybe my cat could tell me why he's recently developed the habit of pooping in front of the litterbox instead of in it.  But not every time.  Just some of the time.
My rabbit would probably say exactly what he says now.  Small grunts when he gets excited about food and nothing else.

Clean its box or switch its litter.  Something about that box is pissing it off.  Or its sick.

Clean its his box or switch its his litter.  Something about that box is pissing it him off.  Or its he's sick.

FTFY

/Great advice though, you are 100% correct
//Also, look up the difference between its and it's


Cat climbs into box... turns around a couple times... scratches... turns again... looks down... thinks "Yep, I'm in the box"... then poops over the side.
 
2013-06-19 06:25:23 PM
fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net

HELP! I'VE BEACHED AND CAN'T GET BACK TO THE FUD!
 
2013-06-19 06:28:23 PM
I WILL kill you!

sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net
 
2013-06-19 06:29:30 PM
3am IS SO EXCITING!
 
2013-06-19 06:30:57 PM
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.  Give me treats.  NOW puny human.

fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net
 
2013-06-19 06:34:52 PM
First of all, they're called he and biatches. Not it.
 
2013-06-19 06:39:03 PM

AlwaysRightBoy: First of all, they're called he and biatches. Not it.


THIS
 
2013-06-19 06:42:48 PM
"Feed me that wet canned stuff not the crunchy dry stuff, then let me go into the bedroom and barf it up where I please, instead of pushing my heaving feline ass through the cat door - it's not like I want a squirrel right now, as I'm puking, but I do appreciate the thought and I'll be sure to bring a half-dead rodent inside and drop it in the living room at 2 AM so you can hear it scream and scrabble all over the furniture while the little tree-rat bleeds out, because I hate playing with them outside in the rain and it's much better than batting around that damned cat toy, which is why I leave it underfoot in the bathroom so that schlub of a wife of yours can step on it and scream, waking you up three hours before you have to go to work and allowing me to take your spot on the bed, wiping my muddy, treerat-blood-covered paws on your pillow like an Insane Clown Posse fan at an orgy before dragging my wet ass down the bed to dry off - oh, and another thing, I'd really like it if you kept every other cat in the neighborhood fed, but only if I'm allowed to beat holy hell out of them, because I'm tired of having you stuff me in a cat carrier, and drag my listless ass to the vet's office to have yet another abscess drained thanks to my incessant need to attack anything that moves, even if it can kick my ass six ways to Sunday."

Repeat as needed.
 
2013-06-19 06:43:56 PM
img.fark.net
It's awfully cold for the park isn't it?

img.fark.net
Do you like my Yeti impression?

 img.fark.net
I'm the cutest Samurai in the world!

img.fark.net
You're gonna do what to my hair?!

img.fark.net
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
 
2013-06-19 06:46:05 PM
"That dog over there has balls. Where are my balls? You had them cut off, didn't you, you sick fark? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAoh that smells great I'ma smell tha..." *runs off*
 
2013-06-19 06:53:00 PM
My iguana:

"I'll get off your computer from June until August. Otherwise, your work is of no consequence to me. I kind of look like David Bowie, so you'll love me either way."
 
2013-06-19 06:53:48 PM

Satan's Bunny Slippers: Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.  Give me treats.  NOW puny human.

[fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net image 850x477]


I want to spend lots of time brushing your cat.  Brushing the pretty, fluffly, floofy kitty.
 
2013-06-19 06:54:02 PM
Dog: THROW THE BALL

Cats would alternate between 'feed us! feed us! we love you! we love you!' and 'leave me the fark alone.

'

oldfarthenry: In his "younger" years:
[img.fark.net image 320x238]
He just got diagnosed with Lupus this week.
I burst into tears during my "if it comes down to it, we're not going to let him suffer" speech with the kids. Embarrassing.
Hopefully we can control it with meds.


Gorgeous Aussie and I hope the meds are effective and you get more happy years with him.
 
2013-06-19 06:58:18 PM

Pray 4 Mojo: eauque: NickelP: Rev. Skarekroe: Maybe my cat could tell me why he's recently developed the habit of pooping in front of the litterbox instead of in it.  But not every time.  Just some of the time.
My rabbit would probably say exactly what he says now.  Small grunts when he gets excited about food and nothing else.

Clean its box or switch its litter.  Something about that box is pissing it off.  Or its sick.

Clean its his box or switch its his litter.  Something about that box is pissing it him off.  Or its he's sick.

FTFY

/Great advice though, you are 100% correct
//Also, look up the difference between its and it's

Cat climbs into box... turns around a couple times... scratches... turns again... looks down... thinks "Yep, I'm in the box"... then poops over the side.


Cat is either old (possibly senile) or sick.
 
2013-06-19 07:01:21 PM
"Please pull it out."
 
2013-06-19 07:02:33 PM
The ball-obsessed:
i37.photobucket.com

The good kitty:
i37.photobucket.com

Spawn of Satan:

i37.photobucket.com
 
2013-06-19 07:05:34 PM
"You might not have noticed it, but I actually pay attention to you everytime you masturbate."
 
2013-06-19 07:06:13 PM
i had to add my woofies to thread:

easy on the brakes woman!
img.fark.net

how long are you going to be in there?
img.fark.net
mine.
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 07:13:02 PM
Affectionate cat:  pet me.  oh, yes yes yes yes STOP!!!!!
Skittish cat:  Please don't eat me.
Weird cat (5 minutes after I change the cat box):  Clean the damn box, someone used it and I have to go.
 
2013-06-19 07:13:39 PM

mrswood: i had to add my woofies to thread:

how long are you going to be in there?


Oh man my cats *and* dog do this one, and my don't won't just check on me and leave, if I won't let him in he gives a big sigh and lays right by the door.
 
2013-06-19 07:20:06 PM
Robert Schimmel had a joke where the parrot would talk normally with its owners guest and as soon as the owner leaves the room the parrot says in a panic "Get me outta here,he farks me when you are gone!"
 
2013-06-19 07:24:54 PM

gadian: Satan's Bunny Slippers: Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.  Give me treats.  NOW puny human.

[fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net image 850x477]

I want to spend lots of time brushing your cat.  Brushing the pretty, fluffly, floofy kitty.


He would love that. Oddly, he's pretty wash n wear. A couple times a month is all he needs. He never tangles or gets clotty. Silllky smoooove. :) (of course he's convinced he's too cool for clots)
 
2013-06-19 07:25:38 PM
Between critters at my house, so BIL's will have to stand in...
img.fark.net
img.fark.net
img.fark.net
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 07:26:55 PM
Has anyone said "Scooby Snack!" yet?
 
2013-06-19 07:26:55 PM

FormlessOne: "Feed me that wet canned stuff not the crunchy dry stuff, then let me go into the bedroom and barf it up where I please, instead of pushing my heaving feline ass through the cat door - it's not like I want a squirrel right now, as I'm puking, but I do appreciate the thought and I'll be sure to bring a half-dead rodent inside and drop it in the living room at 2 AM so you can hear it scream and scrabble all over the furniture while the little tree-rat bleeds out, because I hate playing with them outside in the rain and it's much better than batting around that damned cat toy, which is why I leave it underfoot in the bathroom so that schlub of a wife of yours can step on it and scream, waking you up three hours before you have to go to work and allowing me to take your spot on the bed, wiping my muddy, treerat-blood-covered paws on your pillow like an Insane Clown Posse fan at an orgy before dragging my wet ass down the bed to dry off - oh, and another thing, I'd really like it if you kept every other cat in the neighborhood fed, but only if I'm allowed to beat holy hell out of them, because I'm tired of having you stuff me in a cat carrier, and drag my listless ass to the vet's office to have yet another abscess drained thanks to my incessant need to attack anything that moves, even if it can kick my ass six ways to Sunday."

Repeat as needed.


Achilles?

Sounds just like my friends cat.
 
2013-06-19 07:29:48 PM

spidermilk: mrswood: i had to add my woofies to thread:

how long are you going to be in there?

Oh man my cats *and* dog do this one, and my don't won't just check on me and leave, if I won't let him in he gives a big sigh and lays right by the door.


I was watching my buddies dog and cat..His pets absolutely love me..I was in the bathroom and the cat puts his paw under the door..It was the funniest thing i ever saw..it look so fake.I had a visual of the cat on the otherside of the door using a fake cats paw.
 
2013-06-19 07:37:50 PM

busy chillin': "hey!" "hey!""hey!" "hey!"

 
2013-06-19 07:47:23 PM
"You're cute, but I have no idea what you're saying!!!!"
 
2013-06-19 07:50:20 PM

mactobain: I want steak.

/obvious


It took 100 posts for this?

*iamdisappoint.jpg*
 
2013-06-19 08:07:41 PM

URAPNIS: [img.fark.net image 800x450]
Turn it on, Turn it on. Turn it on. Turn it on. Turn it on.
*runs over to me*
Jerk!
*runs back*
Turn it on, Turn it on. Turn it on. Turn it on. Turn it on.
(repeat)


I really miss my Jack.  I have very fond memories of that look.
 
2013-06-19 08:08:02 PM
"Hey, meatbag! Feed me now!"

(Well I think that's what my Tourette cat says - the others are more polite).
 
2013-06-19 08:36:05 PM

Satan's Bunny Slippers: FormlessOne: "Feed me that wet canned stuff not the crunchy dry stuff, then let me go into the bedroom and barf it up where I please, instead of pushing my heaving feline ass through the cat door - it's not like I want a squirrel right now, as I'm puking, but I do appreciate the thought and I'll be sure to bring a half-dead rodent inside and drop it in the living room at 2 AM so you can hear it scream and scrabble all over the furniture while the little tree-rat bleeds out, because I hate playing with them outside in the rain and it's much better than batting around that damned cat toy, which is why I leave it underfoot in the bathroom so that schlub of a wife of yours can step on it and scream, waking you up three hours before you have to go to work and allowing me to take your spot on the bed, wiping my muddy, treerat-blood-covered paws on your pillow like an Insane Clown Posse fan at an orgy before dragging my wet ass down the bed to dry off - oh, and another thing, I'd really like it if you kept every other cat in the neighborhood fed, but only if I'm allowed to beat holy hell out of them, because I'm tired of having you stuff me in a cat carrier, and drag my listless ass to the vet's office to have yet another abscess drained thanks to my incessant need to attack anything that moves, even if it can kick my ass six ways to Sunday."

Repeat as needed.

Achilles?

Sounds just like my friends cat.


Nope - "Bun", oddly enough.
 
2013-06-19 08:36:28 PM
My last old cat would just pee anywhere at any time. She also fell over many times.
I saved her from hurricane Frances and named her after the hurricane.
Then, she saved me. I miss her.
 
2013-06-19 08:55:19 PM
weknowmemes.com

/not my doggie
 
2013-06-19 09:02:39 PM
We have two young cats (brother and sister) who aren't quite one year old yet.

img.fark.net

KitKat, male, and is most of the times called "Big Boy":  "Who me?" (Upon getting into trouble),  "I'm not that big I can fit into that space that my sister just did *Plows through and *crash* as stuff on top of the "hole" falls off*,  and "Is it time to feed me yet?  I think it's time for food right?  NOW!" (any other time)

Snickers, female, and is most of the time called "Little Girl":  "Get him off of me!" (KitKat who is much bigger likes to play rough, Snickers who is small, dainty, and girly doesn't all the time) , "Yes, I know I'm cute." , "He did it not me I'm innocent...really I am."  (Even if she is caught red handed she still tries this one.),  Last but not least "I'm pointy, ouchy, bitey not soft, furry, and cuddly."
 
2013-06-19 09:09:43 PM

mrswood: i had to add my woofies to thread:

easy on the brakes woman!
[img.fark.net image 453x604]

how long are you going to be in there?
[img.fark.net image 850x478]
mine.
[img.fark.net image 604x453]


looks quite a bit like my first dog. We grew up together. Best dog EVAR.




imageshack.us
imageshack.us
 
2013-06-19 09:11:31 PM

megarian: 3am IS SO EXCITING!


Depends on who you're with, but yeah, it can be.
 
2013-06-19 09:20:32 PM
Well, of the critters who have me now...Ashe already attempts to have long, meaningful conversations with me.  I will admit I am not 100% proficient in Meezer-eze, but she seems to get the point across--and there are genuinely times she's not really seeking skitches or food or play but just apparently wants to tell me how the day has gone.  (And occasionally she will fuss at me when I'm ill--until I get in bed and get covered up, and then she calms down. :D)  Fortunately she is proficient enough in giving me gestural context to whatever she's mewing her fool head off about.

(And Ashe does not shut up.  I've literally caught her doing the Meezer-kin equivalent of talking in her sleep.)

Kali the Coonie is rather more softspoken, but she will cat-ping/"Hiiii!" and will very rarely have kitty "small talk"--usually if she wants my attention for food or (more often) skitchies.  Very occasionally mewing in protest if I have to get up when she's on my lap, as if to say "Damnit, stay still and let me love you!"

There is another cat--not our cat, one of the neighbourhood ferals--that I've informally dubbed "Meowy Cat" due to his habit of carousing late at night and early in the morning near our house.  I am not entirely sure, but somehow I suspect were his meowage translated it would bare a remarkable resemblance to the contents of the average 80's-era hair metal album--fightin', drinkin', gettin' laid, wanting hot wimmens, and so forth.  (I'd even overtly suggest possibly a Faster Pussycat album, but that might be gearing for punishment, pun intended.)
 
2013-06-19 09:24:52 PM

Satan's Bunny Slippers: [fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net image 850x478]

HELP! I'VE BEACHED AND CAN'T GET BACK TO THE FUD!


s1.ibtimes.com
So, so sorry; I couldn't help myself....
 
2013-06-19 09:34:51 PM
I don't know, but the sheep's a liar.
 
2013-06-19 09:51:36 PM
i428.photobucket.com
FOOD?
 
2013-06-19 10:00:14 PM
I'm trying to go to sleep early tonight because I'm running a fever, and my dog is currently whining at me as if to say, "Get your lazy ass up and play with me."
 
2013-06-19 10:26:53 PM

msupf: mrswood: i had to add my woofies to thread:

easy on the brakes woman!
[img.fark.net image 453x604]

how long are you going to be in there?
[img.fark.net image 850x478]
mine.
[img.fark.net image 604x453]

looks quite a bit like my first dog. We grew up together. Best dog EVAR.


[imageshack.us image 673x800]
[imageshack.us image 800x572]


yours looks maybe a little bigger than my Parker, but very similar and awesomely cute. can't imagine a life without them.
 
2013-06-19 10:36:29 PM
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 10:50:34 PM
My roommate's maine coon kitten:
"OMG look how soft I am I love you!!! giv more snuggles! pet me here-   K Done.  fark off human."
(while on top of the cat tower) "Look how fluffy I am.  You know you want to pet me.  And I want to attack the shiat out of your hand.  Lets make a deal."
"I'm not staring at you, human.  I'm staring at the drawstrings on your hoodie."

Cat: You know I love something if I lick it.
Me: I only ever see you lick yourself.
Cat: Exactly.
 
2013-06-19 11:37:27 PM

Rev. Skarekroe: Maybe my cat could tell me why he's recently developed the habit of pooping in front of the litterbox instead of in it.  But not every time.  Just some of the time.
My rabbit would probably say exactly what he says now.  Small grunts when he gets excited about food and nothing else.


"I want it cleaned before every 24 hours! Doesn't matter if I'm the only one; &, didn't use it more'n once! Spitefully Righteous Pellet of Doom to ya!"
 
2013-06-19 11:44:25 PM
Whatever my dogs would say would be a lie.

/They can't prove any of it
 
2013-06-19 11:59:28 PM
Old Joke Warning:


A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.


"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"

Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says.

"How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messing around with that little blonde who lives in Next Street?'

The father says, "Oh, shiat; I hope you SHOT that lying son of a biatch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"
 
2013-06-20 12:30:27 AM
; )
 
2013-06-20 01:47:29 AM
"Hey, Chief, how about turning the pump to the skimmer off already, it's time to play aqua-fetch...oh, you have food...why didn't you say so?"
 
2013-06-20 02:22:46 AM
sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net

"sure, i'll take the fork too."
 
2013-06-20 04:38:01 AM
 
2013-06-20 07:22:46 AM
I can't believe no one has mentioned steak.

/fark
//where originality humor go to die
 
2013-06-20 08:06:04 AM
img.fark.net">

You wanna throw down?
 
2013-06-20 08:14:07 AM

Spoon over Marin: msupf: You look funny upside-down
[img.fark.net image 800x600]

I love cuddles
[img.fark.net image 800x600]

I'm happy you rescued me
[img.fark.net image 800x600]
[img.fark.net image 800x600]

That dog is rediculous


I like big dogs; however, this guy is absolutely adorable!
 
2013-06-20 09:58:51 AM
aw man.. i totally missed this thread when it was going.  That's what I get for spending the day out in the sun and enjoying the fresh air...
 
2013-06-20 10:32:06 AM

durbnpoisn: We have 4 cats.  Each of them actually speaks their own language of a sort.  And oddly enough, both my wife and I understand what they are saying.  Normally it's "give me a treat", "fill the cat bowl", or "can I go outside?".

There is also the one whom, if you walk by while he's laying down, and fail to acknowledge his presense, he will swat you and say something like, "Hey, dick!!  I'm right here!"

We have another one that's in heat right now.  She never shuts up.  She just goes on and on about how badly she wants to have sex.


I feel your pain... My girl sounds like the lowest guttersnipe possible when she's in heat.  When she's not, she only meows to get in or out of somewheres, and it's still not a pleasant noise.  She's the cat equivalent of Fran Drescher, beautiful to look at until she opens her mouth.
 
2013-06-20 11:01:37 AM
Buddy: I hate you, you're such a biatch. HOLD STILL WHILE I RAPE YOU WITH LOVE!

Baby: Please, just pretend I don't exist, except when i WANT food or love.

Boots: Mum, can I have some food? No, not the food the vet wants me to eat, it's yucky.

Izzy: hi mom! Let's play! Where's the laser dot thingy? Oh, it's dumb, I don't wanna play with that, let's cuddle instead, or you could maybe get the feather stick, that'd be cool too.

Izzy is getting a new home tomorrow, then I will be back down to a reasonable amount of cats.

/Gaga went to a new home Monday.
//yeah I had 5 cats..
///did have six til my daughter adopted Izzy's littermate Duff last november.
 
2013-06-20 11:01:43 AM

dopekitty74: aw man.. i totally missed this thread when it was going.  That's what I get for spending the day out in the sun and enjoying the fresh air...


I missed it too, hopefully it'll get some new life at lunchtime.
 
2013-06-20 01:55:31 PM

spidermilk: The ball-obsessed:
[i37.photobucket.com image 800x572]

The good kitty:
[i37.photobucket.com image 800x559]

Spawn of Satan:

[i37.photobucket.com image 800x739]


What breed of dog is that? How large do they get?
 
2013-06-20 02:22:37 PM
img.fark.net

"Hey" "Hey"

"Hey" "Hey"
 
2013-06-20 03:39:58 PM
My cat would say:

"Let me out!  Please I just want out!  I've never wanted something so much in my life!  OMG thanks for letting me out!  Let me in!  Please I just want in!  I've never wanted something so much in my life!  OMG thanks for letting me in!  Let me out!  Please I just want out!  I've never wanted something so much in my life!  OMG thanks for letting me out!  Let me in!  Please I just want in!  I've never wanted something so much in my life!  OMG thanks for letting me in!"

etc...
 
2013-06-20 06:06:30 PM

Skywolf the Scribbler: AlwaysRightBoy: First of all, they're called he and biatches. Not it.

THIS


Well, this isn't creepy at all. Nope. No siree.

dog f*cker
 
2013-06-20 09:32:14 PM
I can't believe how great of a writer I am. I don't think I even know anyone else with that kind of talent in writing from different perspectives. Tolstoy, maybe, I'd imagine Tolstoy could fool the crowd here easily--as well.
 
2013-06-20 10:40:22 PM
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-20 10:53:03 PM

Skywolf the Scribbler: I can't believe how great of a writer I am. I don't think I even know anyone else with that kind of talent in writing from different perspectives. Tolstoy, maybe, I'd imagine Tolstoy could fool the crowd here easily--as well.


You suck at writing, dog f*cker

/published
 
2013-06-21 12:49:07 AM
img.fark.net
 
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