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(Topless Robot)   Ten ways to make a Dungeons & Dragons movie not suck. Missing from the list: not making a Dungeons & Dragons movie   (toplessrobot.com) divider line 97
    More: Fail, Dungeons & Dragons, Wizards of the Coast, Gary Gygax, Sweet Pea Entertainment, Roy Lee, fantasy worlds, Wrath of the Titans, Red Riding Hood  
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3563 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 18 Jun 2013 at 11:22 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-06-19 06:55:48 AM

VonEvilstein: rogue49: Do not make a movie...make a TV series.

Make a set of 6 characters...write for them.
Roll out their chances for the scene...write for that scene.

See out the series plays out.
People will keep watching to see what happens next.

Producers...yes, main characters CAN die.
What a way to keep your actors from getting too much pay.  (and create the shock effect that's working for GOT)

Excellent idea. I like it a lot.


For an original D&D feel, they can all get one shot.
 
2013-06-19 07:08:23 AM

Alphax: VonEvilstein: rogue49: Do not make a movie...make a TV series.

Make a set of 6 characters...write for them.
Roll out their chances for the scene...write for that scene.

See out the series plays out.
People will keep watching to see what happens next.

Producers...yes, main characters CAN die.
What a way to keep your actors from getting too much pay.  (and create the shock effect that's working for GOT)

Excellent idea. I like it a lot.

For an original D&D feel, they can all get one shot.


Well, that's not true...it is D&D.
They CAN resurrect them...however, this needs to be very rare and expensive.  (otherwise, you get caught in comic mode)

But at least all can be explained, instead of saying "just because"
 
2013-06-19 07:13:45 AM
I know! Put Tom Hanks in it!


Oh wait....
 
2013-06-19 07:23:36 AM

GreenAdder: Okay, I've got it. The company that owns the rights to the D&D movie gets bought out by a bigger movie studio. That studio immediately rushes a third D&D movie into development,....But nah. Something like that would never happen.



They're doing it a fifth time - this time they're showing you pretty much the entire movie beforehand.

At the same time, they've remastered their old movies and have been releasing them in premium packaging (they're reselling the 3 OD&D books, 1E, UA, and now 2E plus some old adventures (Slave Lords in one book). I think it's because they destroyed their market for 4th having this long long long betatest for 5th.

However, at the same time, plenty of people have gone and made their own movies, based off the original, and there's a bit of a market there for those in the OSR.

I'm gonna be real curious where this goes when 5th is finally out, and see whether or not they resisted farking it up.
 
2013-06-19 07:24:17 AM
Your Highness was the perfect distillation of every 13 year old's D&D campaign, thrown up on the big screen. I'm pretty sure we actually wrote that script during one of our gaming sessions in middle school.
 
2013-06-19 07:24:39 AM

rogue49: Alphax: VonEvilstein: rogue49: Do not make a movie...make a TV series.

Make a set of 6 characters...write for them.
Roll out their chances for the scene...write for that scene.

See out the series plays out.
People will keep watching to see what happens next.

Producers...yes, main characters CAN die.
What a way to keep your actors from getting too much pay.  (and create the shock effect that's working for GOT)

Excellent idea. I like it a lot.

For an original D&D feel, they can all get one shot.

Well, that's not true...it is D&D.
They CAN resurrect them...however, this needs to be very rare and expensive.  (otherwise, you get caught in comic mode)

But at least all can be explained, instead of saying "just because"


I was thinking that if the entire party perishes, they could bring in an all new cast for the next episode, in the same setting.
 
2013-06-19 07:26:56 AM

Alphax: I was thinking that if the entire party perishes, they could bring in an all new cast for the next episode, in the same setting.


TPKs are only good as a way to end the campaign, and you've really got to earn the right to do one as a DM.
 
2013-06-19 07:32:03 AM

t3knomanser: Alphax: I was thinking that if the entire party perishes, they could bring in an all new cast for the next episode, in the same setting.

TPKs are only good as a way to end the campaign, and you've really got to earn the right to do one as a DM.


If the party is level 1-3, I think it would happen more often than not.
 
2013-06-19 07:32:54 AM

Alphax: If the party is level 1-3, I think it would happen more often than not.


Only if they've got too many mages in the party.
 
2013-06-19 07:59:57 AM
img.fark.net
There could be a way...
 
2013-06-19 08:30:37 AM
The key to a good D&D movie is that you have to go see it in a theatre with the most stereotypical black guy ever, who will scream horrible, innapropriate things out every 2 or 3 minutes.

That's why I insist, to this day, that "Dungeons and Dragons" is a good movie. Because I can still hear that voice screaming "THIS shiat FUNNY Y'ALL!".
 
DGS [TotalFark]
2013-06-19 08:31:54 AM
Zoe in a collar went a long way for me in the 2000 release.
 
2013-06-19 08:39:47 AM

Fano: Spelljammer


God yes.  Or planescape.  A noir whodunnit set in Sigil.
 
2013-06-19 08:42:50 AM

Ennuipoet: I love D&D but I do not think for a second Hollywood can resist making a cheesy, shlocky 3D shiatfest out of the material.


What material?  The problem is that D&D isn't a premise; it's a mechanics system for building a fantasy setting.  The first temptation is to make it "D&D" by going meta, but that's a recipe for disaster.

t3knomanser: Your Highness was the perfect distillation of every 13 year old's D&D campaign, thrown up on the big screen.


And Record of Lodoss War was the mini-series.  And if you want the parody version there's always Slayers.

This is not a movie that needs to be made.
 
2013-06-19 08:42:57 AM

Virtual Pariah: It's funny.
Dragonlance (at least the 1st 3 books) would make a pretty good film.

Basic enough plot. Nice cast of characters.

Of course, that will be the one thing they don't do because.  Hollywood.


I take it you didn't see the shiatfest that was the animated first half of DoAT?
 
2013-06-19 08:44:54 AM
Gord the Rogue or..

img.fark.net

Stop wasting time, you farkers.
 
2013-06-19 08:51:55 AM

mariner314: CygnusDarius: mariner314: Trust me it happened. And I had front row seats for 12 years...

/so glad to be out of wotc

Cool Story Bro time: I once sent my resume to WoTC. And when they were doing the contest to create a new campaign setting, I sent mine.

Neither worked. Oh well, I guess no one is ready to venture in the ruins of Dracopolis.

There's your issue. A setting with "dra" as the beginning of a name.

I'll give eberron credit in that I'd never played a home brew campaign nor talked with anyone who ever had played on either that consisted of anything like war forged. I liked the fact you could be a sentient gollum type thing.

/d&d next will be a nice edition, and it will feel most like whatever edition you learned on. At least that's what I felt when I read through the materials.

//has a collection of Salvatore signed books with 'witty' sayings
///drizzt explored your moms under dark
////drizzt is a cash cow


Poser!
 
2013-06-19 08:52:58 AM
The name Dungeons & Dragons has an onus about it. Release "Fantasy Themed Movie 62" and before the credits roll simply have a splash page that says: Thanks for watching a Dungeons & Dragons based movie. That's it! Have no other reference to the gaming system at all.
 
2013-06-19 09:09:04 AM

GreenAdder: Okay, I've got it. The company that owns the rights to the D&D movie gets bought out by a bigger movie studio. That studio immediately rushes a third D&D movie into development, but doesn't really bother to screen-test it that much. After the ticket sales, merchandising, home video, streaming, and all the other money they can get, they don't feel like the movie made enough money. So they release the  exact same movie with maybe like one or two inconsequentially changed scenes. They release it as "D&D 3.5" and watch fanboys spend all their money on the exact same content all over again. That's another round of ticket sales, merchandise, home video, streaming, etc. And if anyone points out it's pretty much the exact same thing with a few minor farking changes, or how the studio is  double-dipping to separate suckers from their money, the fanboys go into a frothing rage about how those changes were totally necessary.

A few years later, the studio realizes it's time to milk their cash cow again. So they make a fourth movie. People start to complain the plot seems eerily similar to "World of Warcraft," and it doesn't feel the same. A large amount of people go off and watch this new movie "Pathfinder" instead. Some decide they're sort of done with that entire style of film, and they go off and watch "Savage Worlds" or "GURPS" instead.

But nah. Something like that would never happen.


What you did there, I see it.
 
2013-06-19 09:11:44 AM
Lord of the Rings is the best D&D movie.
 
2013-06-19 09:40:03 AM
Make Hawk the Slayer 2.

Complete with Christian Shepherd from LOST.
 
2013-06-19 09:40:58 AM

Funbags: Virtual Pariah: It's funny.
Dragonlance (at least the 1st 3 books) would make a pretty good film.

Basic enough plot. Nice cast of characters.

Of course, that will be the one thing they don't do because.  Hollywood.

You think so? As much as I loved Dragonlance as a 10 year old, I look back and see a story filled with derivative character-tropes that weigh down most fantasy-themed movies.

The half-elf rejected by both races
The gruff dwarf, and the comic-relief halfling (kinder) who's always getting under his skin
The laconic, distrustful barbarian
The rigidly honorable knight
The frail wizard
The enormous strongman warrior

The later expansions were more interesting and more thoughtfully examined, IMO, such as the caustic dynamic of the Majere twins, or the doomed Lord Soth.


I loved The War of the Lance trilogy as a teenager. I tried to re-read it a few years ago and found it pretty trite. The War of the Twins trilogy is much better - more honest characterization, better diction, better plot. My other Dragonlance favorites include the Lord Soth book and the Raistlin book.
 
2013-06-19 09:42:07 AM

God-is-a-Taco: Wasn't a Wayans brother in one of those? Christ, talk about dooming a movie. I think he was a jester or something.


Shutupshutupshutupshutup
 
2013-06-19 10:20:34 AM
This again?  I don't know why we are discussing this over and over when I've already presented the perfect plan for a D&D movie in the last thread on this topic.  It HAS to be tongue-in-cheek, because you can't do something this silly in a serious way, and it has to have a female acrobat-thief in a fur bikini and a barbarian in a loincloth because movie producers like money.   ...And just recently (Man of Steel) they realized that the women in the audience like looking at sexy bodies too.


Kristoff57:  Trouble is, how do you satisfy all D&D fans at once? The only way to satisfy all D&D fans at once is you write, shoot, and film a Fantasy-genre movie with 0% official connection to anything D&D. Willow. Lord of the Rings. Hell, even Dragonheart turned a profit. D&D brand movies.. don't.

bill4935: I don't know, I'd be satisfied with a mostly-comedy movie that had a dungeon in it, and a dragon, and maybe Kristin Chenoweth or Anna Kendrick as a spunky halfling thief who finds that too much clothing disrupts her natural agility.

As long as it doesn't take itself seriously, likealbequerquehalsey indicated.  Less Denethor&Galadriel, more Merry&Pippin.

 
2013-06-19 10:20:58 AM
There already IS a good D&D Movie out there. It's called "Dorkness Rising", and it's goddamn amazing.

IT also does it right-It switches between the table talk play, and the characters themselves (Where the players... well, also play their characters. Except the guy who's playing a chick. Except for the times when he FORGETS he's playing a chick. Then it's his actor in drag.)

It has both the in-game conflict, and a meta-conflict surrounding the issue the DM has been having with his players (feeling he needs to railroad them or they will "Kill, plunder, and impregnate [his] entire fantasy world"., the players feeling.. well, untrusted). It's really well done, and anyone who's played a Pen and Paper will recognize some of the folks at the table. (The Min-Maxer, the guy that plays a girl and then tries to copulate with everything, the newbie, the guy-playing-a-class-he's-never-played-before...).

Seriously, it's a very funny film. They even got cameos from Monte Cook as a random NPC, and filmed a very small scene in the Wizards Of The Coast offices.
 
2013-06-19 10:28:42 AM
Putting a young Thora Birch in the movie wouldn't hurt.
 
2013-06-19 10:37:00 AM
How about, and this has bothered me since the first craptastic D&D movie:

If you are going to have people swinging sharp weapons, dragons, magic...how about someone get cut and BLEED?

horrible rated G movies with flashing blades and no blood is lame. I don't necessarily need Game of Thrones level gore, but if someone "dies" from a sword wound, i want to at least see some blood.
 
2013-06-19 10:38:03 AM

manimal2878: Lord of the Rings is the best D&D movie.


According to Gary Gygax's preferences, I'm sure he would have said Conan the Barbarian.

Also, want to make a d & d movie suck? Make it meta and have it be about a bunch of gamers who are either sucked into a fantasy world or their characters come through a portal into new York city. It's as though some screenwriter's workshops teach this as the appropriate way to deal with the material, but is about as dumb as having every movie adapted from a play having to account for the audience that is watching the play.
 
2013-06-19 10:39:59 AM

StoPPeRmobile: mariner314: CygnusDarius: mariner314: Trust me it happened. And I had front row seats for 12 years...

/so glad to be out of wotc

Cool Story Bro time: I once sent my resume to WoTC. And when they were doing the contest to create a new campaign setting, I sent mine.

Neither worked. Oh well, I guess no one is ready to venture in the ruins of Dracopolis.

There's your issue. A setting with "dra" as the beginning of a name.

I'll give eberron credit in that I'd never played a home brew campaign nor talked with anyone who ever had played on either that consisted of anything like war forged. I liked the fact you could be a sentient gollum type thing.

/d&d next will be a nice edition, and it will feel most like whatever edition you learned on. At least that's what I felt when I read through the materials.

//has a collection of Salvatore signed books with 'witty' sayings
///drizzt explored your moms under dark
////drizzt is a cash cow

Poser!


The draw back of also having worked on LOTR at another company...

/golem
//digging the eBay money from d&d items.
///holiday miniatures are listed now
 
2013-06-19 10:49:17 AM
A Dungeons & Dragons movie sounds horrible.

A Dragonlance or Dark Sun or Spelljammer movie would be a better idea.  Why in the world would you make a generic D&D film??
 
2013-06-19 10:49:57 AM
don't make it for children.  by this i don't only mean graphic violence and sex.  i mean, make it a thought out plot, where the fantasy is second fiddle to the writing.  take game of thrones, for example.  adult level fantasy can be very successful.

of course, that kind of smacks in the face of real d&d, which is basically the hack and slash version of rpgs... so, that's the ticket.  don't make the movie to match the rpg
 
2013-06-19 11:12:34 AM
Turn this i.ebayimg.com into a movie or three and you would really have something. The black guy in the 1st d&d movie was my strongest complaint.
 
2013-06-19 11:16:25 AM
img.fark.net
 
2013-06-19 12:32:53 PM
4 words:
Miniature Giant Space Hamster

That is all.
 
2013-06-19 12:41:14 PM

Fano: Oh shiat, I just got the idea for an HBO series, a tour of Ravenloft, Tales from the Crypt style!


The answer is always HBO series, always.


And yes I would re-up if they promised me that
 
2013-06-19 01:01:46 PM
I humbly submit this link and think that the folks who did this should get honorary dibs as consultants.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsO9qMdzsgM">http://www.youtube.com/w atch?v=bsO9qMdzsgM

I respectfully, therefore, think the author of this article is WAYYYYYYY off base with #7. Much like Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter, Drizzt is an automatic boost to the sucess of tthis project. Millions of people who have read Salvatore's works will line up to see this.
 
2013-06-19 01:18:49 PM
forget D&D - what we really need is a big budget Knights Of The Dinner Table movie.
 
2013-06-19 01:40:10 PM

RyansPrivates: 4 words:
Miniature Giant Space Hamster

That is all.


Squeaky wheel gets the kick!
 
2013-06-19 01:57:33 PM
Dungeons and Dragons: the rise of Vecna.
 
2013-06-19 02:01:04 PM
Dark Sun.

/ I want Thrikreen.
 
2013-06-19 04:05:32 PM
I always thought the Death Gate Cycle would have made for a good series of movies

ecx.images-amazon.com
 
2013-06-19 04:38:47 PM

Neeek: ArcadianRefugee: It was among the first cartoons I shared with my now 5 year-old twin daughters "History" and "Mystery."

I wish that had been the first sentence -- then I wouldn't have bothered to read any more.

How am I supposed to take seriously a man who names his children "History" and "Mystery"?

I think the quotes were to indicate he wasn't giving out his daughters' real names.


Dear gods, I hope so. Odd choices nonetheless.
 
2013-06-19 06:09:26 PM
no Thora Birch pics?
 
2013-06-19 06:19:47 PM

Alphax: If the party is level 1-3, I think it would happen more often than not.


2.bp.blogspot.com

What a Level 1-3 party may look like...
 
KIA
2013-06-19 11:57:20 PM
Meh.  My vote is for Karl Edward Wagner's Kane.  Make it, Hollywood.  I dare you.
 
2013-06-20 12:38:42 AM

Ramien: Forbidden Doughnut: meanmutton: Fantasy movies and TV shows have had a good run -- LOTR, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones -- but I don't think that a D&D branded movie will work at all. You could do a Dragonlance or Forgotten Realms branded movie, maybe, but not anything that's strictly D&D.

I'd watch a big-screen adaptation of "The Order of the Stick", but if they portray Belkar (Or Sabine) accurately, it would probably definitely earn at least an "R" rating ( which is box-office poison these days, at least in the US )

FFTY


Enh, there's more skin-and-sultry in any random James Bond flick, and those have all been rated PG-13 if memory serves.  If you adapt what's been shown in print, Sabine wouldn't be in anything more revealing than a bikini.  If your movie is "inspired by" instead of an adaptation, then sure, you can have her doing six dudes at once Just Because She Could and get your R rating that way, but let's face it, "inspired by" is usually weaksauce.

I think the challenge for an OOTS movie would be making Xykon seem an actual threat instead of corny and/or "misunderstood and redeemable".  I'd almost prefer watching a movie adaptation of Start of Darkness than anything off the main plotline.
 
2013-06-20 07:05:17 AM

shifter_: I respectfully, therefore, think the author of this article is WAYYYYYYY off base with #7. Much like Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter, Drizzt is an automatic boost to the sucess of tthis project. Millions of people who have read Salvatore's works will line up to see this.


Except then we'd have Airbender complaints all over again.  Drizzit versus Dritz versus Ong
 
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