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(Topless Robot)   Ten ways to make a Dungeons & Dragons movie not suck. Missing from the list: not making a Dungeons & Dragons movie   (toplessrobot.com) divider line 97
    More: Fail, Dungeons & Dragons, Wizards of the Coast, Gary Gygax, Sweet Pea Entertainment, Roy Lee, fantasy worlds, Wrath of the Titans, Red Riding Hood  
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3563 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 18 Jun 2013 at 11:22 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-06-18 08:31:32 PM
There are ten really great ideas for not making a shiatty D&D movie in that link, but I think Subby's idea remains the best.  I love D&D but I do not think for a second Hollywood can resist making a cheesy, shlocky 3D shiatfest out of the material.

Leave it on the table and off the screen.

For Gary.

And maybe Dave.
 
2013-06-18 08:49:23 PM
for the record, I think a Keep on the Borderlands slaughterfest would be awesome.   play it off like 'the hills have eyes' and toss in some torture porn shots with hot elf chicks nearly getting raped by orcs and you've got yourself a sure fire money maker.
 
2013-06-18 09:40:36 PM
Eh... all it's going to be is another fantasy movie. Sure, plenty of us geeks will immediately know the "rules" dictating things in the setting (IE - number of spells per day, why that granola-lookin' guy has a menagerie of animals), but it won't be anything unique unless it draws from modules or prior fiction.
 
2013-06-18 09:42:58 PM
There are tons of movies that just might be a D&D film or at least a D&D related film.

img.fark.net starsmedia.ign.com
 
2013-06-18 10:30:45 PM
Needs more Donny Most
 
2013-06-18 10:36:54 PM
The Gamers II: Dorkness Rising already exists.
 
2013-06-18 11:09:20 PM
Just make "I, Strahd" into a movie. Or any of the Ravensloft , except the Enemy Within that one is just a mess.
 
2013-06-18 11:26:37 PM
Okay, I've got it. The company that owns the rights to the D&D movie gets bought out by a bigger movie studio. That studio immediately rushes a third D&D movie into development, but doesn't really bother to screen-test it that much. After the ticket sales, merchandising, home video, streaming, and all the other money they can get, they don't feel like the movie made enough money. So they release the  exact same movie with maybe like one or two inconsequentially changed scenes. They release it as "D&D 3.5" and watch fanboys spend all their money on the exact same content all over again. That's another round of ticket sales, merchandise, home video, streaming, etc. And if anyone points out it's pretty much the exact same thing with a few minor farking changes, or how the studio is  double-dipping to separate suckers from their money, the fanboys go into a frothing rage about how those changes were totally necessary.

A few years later, the studio realizes it's time to milk their cash cow again. So they make a fourth movie. People start to complain the plot seems eerily similar to "World of Warcraft," and it doesn't feel the same. A large amount of people go off and watch this new movie "Pathfinder" instead. Some decide they're sort of done with that entire style of film, and they go off and watch "Savage Worlds" or "GURPS" instead.

But nah. Something like that would never happen.
 
2013-06-18 11:28:42 PM

Weaver95: for the record, I think a Keep on the Borderlands slaughterfest would be awesome.   play it off like 'the hills have eyes' and toss in some torture porn shots with hot elf chicks nearly getting raped by orcs and you've got yourself a sure fire money maker.


Been a long time since I read Keep. I think one part of it had a cell with a beautiful woman, but you couldn't see her face without going in... Oops, you just rescued a Medusa.
 
2013-06-18 11:35:22 PM
Fantasy movies and TV shows have had a good run -- LOTR, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones -- but I don't think that a D&D branded movie will work at all.  You could do a Dragonlance or Forgotten Realms branded movie, maybe, but not anything that's strictly D&D.

The biggest key in all of that, though, was #2.  The reason the Marvel movies work and shiat like Green Lantern didn't work is because they actually put money into real movie-making talent.  A good script, a good director, a good producer, and good actors make a good movie, regardless of genre.
 
2013-06-18 11:36:00 PM

The Stealth Hippopotamus: Just make "I, Strahd" into a movie. Or any of the Ravensloft , except the Enemy Within that one is just a mess.


Nah, I Strahd was pretty much Dracula from Dracula's point of view. I wouldn't object to a Knight of the Black Rose movie if it was done right.
 
2013-06-18 11:38:37 PM

meanmutton: Fantasy movies and TV shows have had a good run -- LOTR, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones -- but I don't think that a D&D branded movie will work at all.  You could do a Dragonlance or Forgotten Realms branded movie, maybe, but not anything that's strictly D&D.

The biggest key in all of that, though, was #2.  The reason the Marvel movies work and shiat like Green Lantern didn't work is because they actually put money into real movie-making talent.  A good script, a good director, a good producer, and good actors make a good movie, regardless of genre.


Dungeons and Dragons truly isn't a story without its settings (Forgotten Realms being my favourite because most of my D&D was PC-based and there were many good FR games (though in a way, many of them work on the LOTR framework, with ancient evil rising, intrepid band of heroes or just two gay-ass hobbits, as D&D had aped LOTR so much) and I cant recall a good Dragonlance game).
 
2013-06-18 11:41:47 PM

meanmutton: Fantasy movies and TV shows have had a good run -- LOTR, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones -- but I don't think that a D&D branded movie will work at all. You could do a Dragonlance or Forgotten Realms branded movie, maybe, but not anything that's strictly D&D.


I'd watch a big-screen adaptation of "The Order of the Stick", but if they portray Belkar accurately, it would probably earn an "R" rating ( which is box-office poison these days, at least in the US )
 
2013-06-18 11:43:15 PM
Chris Tucker's Kobolds.
 
2013-06-18 11:46:27 PM

Dingleberry Dickwad: The Stealth Hippopotamus: Just make "I, Strahd" into a movie. Or any of the Ravensloft , except the Enemy Within that one is just a mess.

Nah, I Strahd was pretty much Dracula from Dracula's point of view. I wouldn't object to a Knight of the Black Rose movie if it was done right.


I never read any Dragonlance stuff but I really enjoyed Knight of the Black Rose. However, would audiences be confused about the story if they didn't do a Dragonlance themed movie to give the general flavor first?

Oh shiat, I just got the idea for an HBO series, a tour of Ravenloft, Tales from the Crypt style!
 
2013-06-18 11:47:37 PM

Forbidden Doughnut: meanmutton: Fantasy movies and TV shows have had a good run -- LOTR, Harry Potter, Game of Thrones -- but I don't think that a D&D branded movie will work at all. You could do a Dragonlance or Forgotten Realms branded movie, maybe, but not anything that's strictly D&D.

I'd watch a big-screen adaptation of "The Order of the Stick", but if they portray Belkar (Or Sabine) accurately, it would probably definitely earn at least an "R" rating ( which is box-office poison these days, at least in the US )


FFTY
 
2013-06-18 11:54:44 PM

Fano: Dingleberry Dickwad: The Stealth Hippopotamus: Just make "I, Strahd" into a movie. Or any of the Ravensloft , except the Enemy Within that one is just a mess.

Nah, I Strahd was pretty much Dracula from Dracula's point of view. I wouldn't object to a Knight of the Black Rose movie if it was done right.

I never read any Dragonlance stuff but I really enjoyed Knight of the Black Rose. However, would audiences be confused about the story if they didn't do a Dragonlance themed movie to give the general flavor first?

Oh shiat, I just got the idea for an HBO series, a tour of Ravenloft, Tales from the Crypt style!


Eh possibly. Now that I think about it you'd need a bit of background on both Strahd and Soth that would take up a bit much of a movie. Still, I figure an I, Strahd movie would come off a bit too much as trying to ride the vampire movie gravy train a few years too late.
 
2013-06-18 11:55:09 PM
Where is my Middle Earth Role Playing or The One Ring RPG movie adaptation?!?

Where is my Marvel Heroic Role Playing movie adaptation?!?

Where is my Star Wars RPG movie adaptation?!?

WHERE?! WHERE ?!
 
2013-06-18 11:59:45 PM
It's funny.
Dragonlance (at least the 1st 3 books) would make a pretty good film.

Basic enough plot. Nice cast of characters.

Of course, that will be the one thing they don't do because.  Hollywood.
 
2013-06-19 12:06:41 AM

Virtual Pariah: It's funny.
Dragonlance (at least the 1st 3 books) would make a pretty good film.

Basic enough plot. Nice cast of characters.

Of course, that will be the one thing they don't do because.  Hollywood.


Nah, they won't do it because the animated version they tried doing sucked and they don't feel like risking a live action adaptation after that.
 
2013-06-19 12:17:18 AM

Dingleberry Dickwad: Fano: Dingleberry Dickwad: The Stealth Hippopotamus: Just make "I, Strahd" into a movie. Or any of the Ravensloft , except the Enemy Within that one is just a mess.

Nah, I Strahd was pretty much Dracula from Dracula's point of view. I wouldn't object to a Knight of the Black Rose movie if it was done right.

I never read any Dragonlance stuff but I really enjoyed Knight of the Black Rose. However, would audiences be confused about the story if they didn't do a Dragonlance themed movie to give the general flavor first?

Oh shiat, I just got the idea for an HBO series, a tour of Ravenloft, Tales from the Crypt style!

Eh possibly. Now that I think about it you'd need a bit of background on both Strahd and Soth that would take up a bit much of a movie. Still, I figure an I, Strahd movie would come off a bit too much as trying to ride the vampire movie gravy train a few years too late.


I only knew the basics of Dragonlance stuff from a friend who was way into it, so I got the gist of it all, and later read the game material but not the books. Knight of the Rose would be interesting but somehow I think Hollywood types would think explaining but Krynn and Ravenloft might take up too much time. Still, a generic AD&D movie is really just a branded generic fantasy movie. Perhaps as Virtual Pariah mentioned, the original Dragonlance books, the War of the Lance could be a good franchise pitch. I agree with you that I, Strahd, would look too much like YET ANOTHER VAMPIRE MOVIE. Azalin I wouldn't find interesting, and since Ravenloft is mostly a pastiche of villains from horror movies and literature, it would be difficult to do a movie involving ANY of the Darklords that wouldn't look like a ripoff of a previous movie. Now that I think about it for a minute, even Knight of the Rose would have the audience asking "who's this two-bit Darth Vader?" :(

The branded worlds would have to be the source. Dark Sun, Al-Qadim, Dragonlance, Forgotten Realms (Dare I dream of a Planescape or Spelljammer movie?)

I've got it. Do this:
 
2013-06-19 12:18:30 AM
img.photobucket.com

Picture got eaten. TEMPLE OF THE FROG!
 
2013-06-19 12:20:39 AM

Virtual Pariah: It's funny.
Dragonlance (at least the 1st 3 books) would make a pretty good film.

Basic enough plot. Nice cast of characters.

Of course, that will be the one thing they don't do because.  Hollywood.


You think so? As much as I loved Dragonlance as a 10 year old, I look back and see a story filled with derivative character-tropes that weigh down most fantasy-themed movies.

The half-elf rejected by both races
The gruff dwarf, and the comic-relief halfling (kinder) who's always getting under his skin
The laconic, distrustful barbarian
The rigidly honorable knight
The frail wizard
The enormous strongman warrior

The later expansions were more interesting and more thoughtfully examined, IMO, such as the caustic dynamic of the Majere twins, or the doomed Lord Soth.
 
2013-06-19 12:30:17 AM
Wasn't a Wayans brother in one of those? Christ, talk about dooming a movie. I think he was a jester or something.
 
2013-06-19 12:40:23 AM
I like the idea in their list of "don't make it for the gamers", which I agree with because a movie filled with obscure inside jokes and references is no good*.  However, they should at least keep true to basic tenets of the game to not infuriate the gamers and general fantasy fans who come to  see it.  One of the guys in my group, when the original movie is occasionally brought up, will point out not only how stupid the huge number of dragons in the big fight scene was, but the fact that they were hurling fireballs at Red Dragons... which are immune to fire (or were prior to 4e).. and I believe the fireballs were actually knocking red dragons out of the sky.  Instant migraine.

*The only acceptable inside jokes are: Attacking "the darkness" and "The Gazebo"
 
2013-06-19 12:51:34 AM
The key to a good Dungeons and Dragons adaptation is the subtle, understated acting of Jeremy Irons.

i182.photobucket.com
 
2013-06-19 01:04:45 AM

GreenAdder: Okay, I've got it. The company that owns the rights to the D&D movie gets bought out by a bigger movie studio. That studio immediately rushes a third D&D movie into development, but doesn't really bother to screen-test it that much. After the ticket sales, merchandising, home video, streaming, and all the other money they can get, they don't feel like the movie made enough money. So they release the  exact same movie with maybe like one or two inconsequentially changed scenes. They release it as "D&D 3.5" and watch fanboys spend all their money on the exact same content all over again. That's another round of ticket sales, merchandise, home video, streaming, etc. And if anyone points out it's pretty much the exact same thing with a few minor farking changes, or how the studio is  double-dipping to separate suckers from their money, the fanboys go into a frothing rage about how those changes were totally necessary.

A few years later, the studio realizes it's time to milk their cash cow again. So they make a fourth movie. People start to complain the plot seems eerily similar to "World of Warcraft," and it doesn't feel the same. A large amount of people go off and watch this new movie "Pathfinder" instead. Some decide they're sort of done with that entire style of film, and they go off and watch "Savage Worlds" or "GURPS" instead.

But nah. Something like that would never happen.


Trust me it happened. And I had front row seats for 12 years...

/so glad to be out of wotc
 
2013-06-19 01:23:22 AM
1. Hire Talented Screenwriters and Directors
2. Hire Talented Screenwriters and Directors
3. Hire Talented Screenwriters and Directors
4. Hire Talented Screenwriters and Directors
5. Hire Talented Screenwriters and Directors
6. Hire Talented Screenwriters and Directors
7. Hire Talented Screenwriters and Directors

8. Hire Talented Screenwriters and Directors
9. Hire Talented Screenwriters and Directors
10. Hire talented actors.
 
2013-06-19 01:24:48 AM
Perhaps a Planescape movie?.

Or maybe, I dunno... A sequel of Midnight Chronicles, but with a more beefy budget. Other than that... No.

Hell, a Word of Darkness movie would work rather well.
 
2013-06-19 01:27:19 AM

mariner314: Trust me it happened. And I had front row seats for 12 years...

/so glad to be out of wotc


Cool Story Bro time: I once sent my resume to WoTC. And when they were doing the contest to create a new campaign setting, I sent mine.

Neither worked. Oh well, I guess no one is ready to venture in the ruins of Dracopolis.
 
2013-06-19 01:38:18 AM
It's been done. It's called Record of Lodoss Wars, an anime based on an RPG campaign..
 
2013-06-19 01:38:21 AM

Cagey B: The key to a good Dungeons and Dragons adaptation is the subtle, understated acting of Jeremy Irons.

[i182.photobucket.com image 640x354]


Mr. Irons was a bit, excitable, in that movie.  He was, however, amazing in The Borgias.
 
2013-06-19 01:43:17 AM

CygnusDarius: mariner314: Trust me it happened. And I had front row seats for 12 years...

/so glad to be out of wotc

Cool Story Bro time: I once sent my resume to WoTC. And when they were doing the contest to create a new campaign setting, I sent mine.

Neither worked. Oh well, I guess no one is ready to venture in the ruins of Dracopolis.


There's your issue. A setting with "dra" as the beginning of a name.

I'll give eberron credit in that I'd never played a home brew campaign nor talked with anyone who ever had played on either that consisted of anything like war forged. I liked the fact you could be a sentient gollum type thing.

/d&d next will be a nice edition, and it will feel most like whatever edition you learned on. At least that's what I felt when I read through the materials.

//has a collection of Salvatore signed books with 'witty' sayings
///drizzt explored your moms under dark
////drizzt is a cash cow
 
2013-06-19 01:44:37 AM

CygnusDarius: Perhaps a Planescape movie?.

Or maybe, I dunno... A sequel of Midnight Chronicles, but with a more beefy budget. Other than that... No.

Hell, a Word of Darkness movie would work rather well.


Exactly.  A D&D movie is meaningless.  The raison d'etre of D&D is the ability to tell a custom story, in a whatever ripoff fantasy you want to.  D&D has defining characteristics, but nearly none of them are narrative: AC, THAC0, levels, xp, nonsensical dungeons and quests, ability scores, and classes.  These are impossible to base a movie on!  THEY ARE RULES.  (narratively, D&D has a few unique monsters.  Though most are wildly appropriated from all mythology, like MTG, which is awesome)

The only bones with enough meat on them are the campaign settings.  Unfortunately ones like Ravonloft are simply ripoffs of other genres.  They're an excuse to fight a Dracula and animated walls from "The Cask of Amontillado."

The setting that is the most inventive, most original, most batshiat insane, and coolest is Planescape.  An enigmatic fantasy city that exists outside all worlds and connects to every single afterlife plane, where gang allegiances are drawn based on real life philosophical schools, and a catalog of otherworldly beings rub shoulder to shoulder in a maze of grimy dirty steam-mage-punk alleyways.  How is this not the coolest thing ever?

/or do something with mtg.
 
2013-06-19 01:59:34 AM
I would do something on the vein of South Park's "Make love not Warcraft"/"Fun with weapons"... Intersect the "real" people during the game session with how they see themselves into the fantasy world, and kinda have to parallel stories that intersect between.

I'm not sure it that would work well, because I think that the lighthearted tone will work better than something serious, but something fun AND epic would be a nice combination.

/The idea of something Planescape inspired is good... but something more suspense-thriller like instead of epic fantasy.
 
2013-06-19 02:01:09 AM
This thread is now rated G.
 
2013-06-19 02:02:32 AM
3.bp.blogspot.com

Make this instead.
 
2013-06-19 02:38:23 AM
How about NOT having a token funny black guy?
 
2013-06-19 02:53:58 AM

GreenAdder: Okay, I've got it. The company that owns the rights to the D&D movie gets bought out by a bigger movie studio. That studio immediately rushes a third D&D movie into development, but doesn't really bother to screen-test it that much. After the ticket sales, merchandising, home video, streaming, and all the other money they can get, they don't feel like the movie made enough money. So they release the  exact same movie with maybe like one or two inconsequentially changed scenes. They release it as "D&D 3.5" and watch fanboys spend all their money on the exact same content all over again. That's another round of ticket sales, merchandise, home video, streaming, etc. And if anyone points out it's pretty much the exact same thing with a few minor farking changes, or how the studio is  double-dipping to separate suckers from their money, the fanboys go into a frothing rage about how those changes were totally necessary.

A few years later, the studio realizes it's time to milk their cash cow again. So they make a fourth movie. People start to complain the plot seems eerily similar to "World of Warcraft," and it doesn't feel the same. A large amount of people go off and watch this new movie "Pathfinder" instead. Some decide they're sort of done with that entire style of film, and they go off and watch "Savage Worlds" or "GURPS" instead.

But nah. Something like that would never happen.


Uh, you do realize that WotC had literally hundreds of people playtest D&D 3.0 over three years, right? You know what WASN'T playtested, ever? 2nd Edition, which was also written by one guy, by himself. So, while I understand being bitter over having to buy 3.5 (or feeling like you had to buy 3.5), your statement about lack of playtesting of 3.0 is demonstrably false. All you have to do is go to the back of the 3e PHB and check out the pages and pages of playtesters listed.
 
2013-06-19 03:33:14 AM

Mike Chewbacca: GreenAdder: Okay, I've got it. The company that owns the rights to the D&D movie gets bought out by a bigger movie studio. That studio immediately rushes a third D&D movie into development, but doesn't really bother to screen-test it that much. After the ticket sales, merchandising, home video, streaming, and all the other money they can get, they don't feel like the movie made enough money. So they release the  exact same movie with maybe like one or two inconsequentially changed scenes. They release it as "D&D 3.5" and watch fanboys spend all their money on the exact same content all over again. That's another round of ticket sales, merchandise, home video, streaming, etc. And if anyone points out it's pretty much the exact same thing with a few minor farking changes, or how the studio is  double-dipping to separate suckers from their money, the fanboys go into a frothing rage about how those changes were totally necessary.

A few years later, the studio realizes it's time to milk their cash cow again. So they make a fourth movie. People start to complain the plot seems eerily similar to "World of Warcraft," and it doesn't feel the same. A large amount of people go off and watch this new movie "Pathfinder" instead. Some decide they're sort of done with that entire style of film, and they go off and watch "Savage Worlds" or "GURPS" instead.

But nah. Something like that would never happen.

Uh, you do realize that WotC had literally hundreds of people playtest D&D 3.0 over three years, right? You know what WASN'T playtested, ever? 2nd Edition, which was also written by one guy, by himself. So, while I understand being bitter over having to buy 3.5 (or feeling like you had to buy 3.5), your statement about lack of playtesting of 3.0 is demonstrably false. All you have to do is go to the back of the 3e PHB and check out the pages and pages of playtesters listed.


You do realize the difference between screentesting a movie and playtesting a game, right?
 
2013-06-19 03:43:52 AM
It was among the first cartoons I shared with my now 5 year-old twin daughters "History" and "Mystery."

I wish that had been the first sentence -- then I wouldn't have bothered to read any more.

How am I supposed to take seriously a man who names his children "History" and "Mystery"?
 
2013-06-19 03:48:15 AM
FTFA: In the minds of many fans, any connection with Courtney Solomon automatically induces one to write embrace the project off as a potential nightmare laugh riot.

Ah, the original D&D movie. Good times. Right up there with Plan 9 and Troll 2 in the "Invite your friends over, chug an ocean of beer, and have the paramedics on standby because you're going to cough up your spleen from laughing so hard." If they can crank out another one as relentlessly and unintentionally hilarious as the first, I and my friends will consider ourselves truly blessed.

/I want every single part in the film to be overplayed by Jeremy Irons. I don't know if I can handle that much hilarity, but dammit, let me try!
 
2013-06-19 03:53:39 AM

TerminalEchoes: How about NOT having a token funny black guy?


Unless his name is Leroy Jenkins.
 
2013-06-19 04:21:03 AM
NERRRRRRRRRDS!
 
2013-06-19 04:24:59 AM

ArcadianRefugee: It was among the first cartoons I shared with my now 5 year-old twin daughters "History" and "Mystery."

I wish that had been the first sentence -- then I wouldn't have bothered to read any more.

How am I supposed to take seriously a man who names his children "History" and "Mystery"?


I think the quotes were to indicate he wasn't giving out his daughters' real names.
 
2013-06-19 04:37:16 AM

jackmalice: TerminalEchoes: How about NOT having a token funny black guy?

Unless his name is Leroy Jenkins.


At least he got chicken?
 
2013-06-19 04:55:39 AM

Dingleberry Dickwad: The Stealth Hippopotamus: Just make "I, Strahd" into a movie. Or any of the Ravensloft , except the Enemy Within that one is just a mess.

Nah, I Strahd was pretty much Dracula from Dracula's point of view. I wouldn't object to a Knight of the Black Rose movie if it was done right.


I would pay good money to watch a vampire of the mists movie. Still have a non homo man crush on Jander...
 
2013-06-19 05:46:27 AM
If they actually did storylines based on some of the proper classic old modules then it could be an awesome geekfest for oldies.

Or make one of the more modern but very complete world settings as suggested by some above.

Dont make a cheesy dragonfest with crap meta references.
 
2013-06-19 06:39:18 AM
Do not make a movie...make a TV series.

Make a set of 6 characters...write for them.
Roll out their chances for the scene...write for that scene.

See out the series plays out.
People will keep watching to see what happens next.

Producers...yes, main characters CAN die.
What a way to keep your actors from getting too much pay.  (and create the shock effect that's working for GOT)
 
2013-06-19 06:51:39 AM

rogue49: Do not make a movie...make a TV series.

Make a set of 6 characters...write for them.
Roll out their chances for the scene...write for that scene.

See out the series plays out.
People will keep watching to see what happens next.

Producers...yes, main characters CAN die.
What a way to keep your actors from getting too much pay.  (and create the shock effect that's working for GOT)


Excellent idea. I like it a lot.
 
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