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(Above the Law)   Epic response to letter full of legalese from lawyer who's apparently sick of this shiat   (abovethelaw.com) divider line 40
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36947 clicks; posted to Main » on 18 Jun 2013 at 4:28 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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Archived thread
2013-06-18 04:37:11 PM
30 votes:
I liked that one, but here is one of my all time favorites:

A letter to Art Modell's attorney
img.fark.net

And the response
img.fark.net
2013-06-18 04:51:07 PM
7 votes:
A lawyer in a small town will make a decent living.

Two lawyers in a small town will both make a very good living.
2013-06-18 04:46:45 PM
5 votes:
Groucho Marx did it first.
2013-06-18 04:57:50 PM
4 votes:

Shazam999: Voiceofreason01: The cease and desist letter was in pretty plain language. Domain camping isn't cool.

/this Freivald guy sounds like an asshole.

I think for geographical names they're pretty well fair game.  Don't know for absolutely certainty though.  Better ask a lawyer.


WHOIS for westorange.com just shows some schmoe resident with the domain registered to his two-bit PC repair business.  (Ha!  Two-bit PC!  I kill me!)
2013-06-18 04:48:27 PM
4 votes:
There was this guy who stole my gal and I stole her back so he used his lawyer buddy to harass us. After one letter, I spelled out why he had no case, but offered him a swift kick in the ass as a good faith settlement. It felt good to send that letter and to think about his lawyer showing it to him.
2013-06-18 04:42:28 PM
4 votes:
www.allfordmustangs.com
2013-06-18 05:17:40 PM
3 votes:
Meh. If I was the guy's attorney, my letter would've read:

Dear West Orange Lawyer Guy:

Re: your C&D letter.

Ha ha, no.

Signed,
Uzzah
2013-06-18 05:14:33 PM
3 votes:
I definitely was confusted by the C&D letter.


///reminds me of the day Rauol Jr, in a fit of pique over something I was saying, loudly demanded that I "Decease and Persist"
2013-06-18 04:56:11 PM
3 votes:
I'm confusted!
2013-06-18 04:44:49 PM
3 votes:

MNguy: I think he said 'pro bono' when he meant to say 'pro se'.  Rookie mistake.


2.bp.blogspot.com
2013-06-18 02:12:55 PM
3 votes:

vudutek: kxs401: Huh, it's actually the writer of the response letter who comes off as rather an asshole bully.

At least Freivald hired a bigger asshole to smack down the lesser asshole.


Which is precisely what you want in a lawyer.  Maybe it's a sad state of affairs, but it's absolutely true.  My divorce attorney was a sleazy despicable son of a biatch, but I'm damned glad he was MY sleazeball.
2013-06-18 09:14:02 PM
2 votes:
Dear Warner Brothers,

Apparently there is more than one way of conquering a city and holding it as your own. For example, up to the time that we contemplated making this picture, I had no idea that the city of Casablanca belonged exclusively to Warner Brothers. However, it was only a few days after our announcement appeared that we received your long, ominous legal document warning us not to use the name Casablanca.

It seems that in 1471, Ferdinand Balboa Warner, your great-great-grandfather, while looking for a shortcut to the city of Burbank, had stumbled on the shores of Africa and, raising his alpenstock (which he later turned in for a hundred shares of common), named it Casablanca.

I just don't understand your attitude. Even if you plan on releasing your picture, I am sure that the average movie fan could learn in time to distinguish between Ingrid Bergman and Harpo. I don't know whether I could, but I certainly would like to try.

You claim that you own Casablanca and that no one else can use that name without permission. What about "Warner Brothers"? Do you own that too? You probably have the right to use the name Warner, but what about the name Brothers? Professionally, we were brothers long before you were. We were touring the sticks as the Marx Brothers when Vitaphone was still a gleam in the inventor's eye, and even before there had been other brothers-the Smith Brothers; the Brothers Karamazov; Dan Brothers, an outfielder with Detroit; and "Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?" (This was originally "Brothers, Can You Spare a Dime?" but this was spreading a dime pretty thin, so they threw out one brother, gave all the money to the other one, and whittled it down to "Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?")

Now Jack, how about you? Do you maintain that yours is an original name? Well it's not. It was used long before you were born. Offhand, I can think of two Jacks-Jack of "Jack and the Beanstalk," and Jack the Ripper, who cut quite a figure in his day.

As for you, Harry, you probably sign your checks sure in the belief that you are the first Harry of all time and that all other Harrys are impostors. I can think of two Harrys that preceded you. There was Lighthouse Harry of Revolutionary fame and a Harry Appelbaum who lived on the corner of 93rd Street and Lexington Avenue. Unfortunately, Appelbaum wasn't too well-known. The last I heard of him, he was selling neckties at Weber and Heilbroner.

Now about the Burbank studio. I believe this is what you brothers call your place. Old man Burbank is gone. Perhaps you remember him. He was a great man in a garden. His wife often said Luther had ten green thumbs. What a witty woman she must have been! Burbank was the wizard who crossed all those fruits and vegetables until he had the poor plants in such confused and jittery condition that they could never decide whether to enter the dining room on the meat platter or the dessert dish.

This is pure conjecture, of course, but who knows-perhaps Burbank's survivors aren't too happy with the fact that a plant that grinds out pictures on a quota settled in their town, appropriated Burbank's name and uses it as a front for their films. It is even possible that the Burbank family is prouder of the potato produced by the old man than they are of the fact that your studio emerged "Casablanca" or even "Gold Diggers of 1931."

This all seems to add up to a pretty bitter tirade, but I assure you it's not meant to. I love Warners. Some of my best friends are Warner Brothers. It is even possible that I am doing you an injustice and that you, yourselves, know nothing about this dog-in-the-Wanger attitude. It wouldn't surprise me at all to discover that the heads of your legal department are unaware of this absurd dispute, for I am acquainted with many of them and they are fine fellows with curly black hair, double-breasted suits and a love of their fellow man that out-Saroyans Saroyan.

I have a hunch that his attempt to prevent us from using the title is the brainchild of some ferret-faced shyster, serving a brief apprenticeship in your legal department. I know the type well-hot out of law school, hungry for success, and too ambitious to follow the natural laws of promotion. This bar sinister probably needled your attorneys, most of whom are fine fellows with curly black hair, double-breasted suits, etc., into attempting to enjoin us. Well, he won't get away with it! We'll fight him to the highest court! No pasty-faced legal adventurer is going to cause bad blood between the Warners and the Marxes. We are all brothers under the skin, and we'll remain friends till the last reel of "A Night in Casablanca" goes tumbling over the spool.

Sincerely,

Groucho Marx


img.fark.net
2013-06-18 07:46:19 PM
2 votes:

meyerkev: Rent Party: He also said "I want this shiat in front of a jury of North Idaho rednecks."

Much as I may not always like rednecks, I will always approve of their theory that "Being a dipshiat is your own damn fault".


The Casa de Rent Party motto is "There is no sympathy for self inflicted wounds."
2013-06-18 06:00:10 PM
2 votes:
Still can't beat Private Eye & Arkell v Pressdram:

Arkell's lawyers wrote a letter which concluded: "His attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of your reply."

The magazine's response was, in full:

"We acknowledge your letter of 29th April referring to Mr J. Arkell. We note that Mr Arkell's attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of our reply and would therefore be grateful if you would inform us what his attitude to damages would be, were he to learn that the nature of our reply is as follows: fark off."

From link - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Private_Eye
2013-06-18 05:21:14 PM
2 votes:

Raoul Eaton: reminds me of the day Rauol Jr, in a fit of pique over something I was saying, loudly demanded that I "Decease and Persist"


A demand you become a zombie? That would confust the hell out of me.
2013-06-18 05:08:31 PM
2 votes:

Begoggle: Not to many real lawyers do "pro bono" work for some domain squatter.
What's the real story here?


"My lawyer can beat up your lawyer".
2013-06-18 01:15:24 PM
2 votes:

kxs401: Huh, it's actually the writer of the response letter who comes off as rather an asshole bully.


At least Freivald hired a bigger asshole to smack down the lesser asshole.
2013-06-19 08:54:13 AM
1 votes:
Update:  Apparently the website in question's forum has noticed the gigantic influx of traffic.

One Gary Englert (apparently a well-known troll so venomous that they've set up a section of the website just for his posts) had this to say:


"No, and not by a long shot and this little Internet flurry is simply a flash in the pan.
If subjecting another human being to public ridicule in these ciecumstance is somehow laudable, I fail to see where and I think the beenfit to the Township, and its image, is fae better served when we recognize its heros."

Someone isn't familiar with the Internet much is he?
2013-06-19 07:56:43 AM
1 votes:

noitsnot: Kind of weird how his CSB has you so frantic. Anything you want to talk about?


Actualy, yeah. Have you seen Now You See Me yet? That was an awesome movie. Probably one of the best movies I've seen in some time. Sure it has some of the same forumla like in Lucky Number Slevin or Layercake where you know there is some sort of long con in play and that there will be some cool twist/payoff at the end, but I found it really entertaining. I had a smile on my face through the whole thing. If you haven't seen it yet, go check it out.

/Thanks for listening man, I feel so much better now.
2013-06-19 05:42:00 AM
1 votes:

OhioUGrad: Unprofessional, but hilarious. It's like the two girls who talk trash to each other then slap fight.

It's two lawyers, they should duel at sunup.....one less lawyer means we all win.


There is a small chance they could both hit their mark, which would mean 2 less lawyers!
2013-06-19 12:03:43 AM
1 votes:

4tehsnowflakes: Gabrielmot: It sounds (to me) like he's implying in the P.P.S. that someone is already doing this, and that his claim for "excess property taxes" from the P.S. would be valid if this was brought to light for the public. Actually sounds like a veiled threat.

-I think we may have found one of the last lawyers in the states with balls.

Yes, he has balls and yes he is making a threat in the PPS.  He is alleging that the current administration did a sweetheart deal to line someone's pockets on the official website design and maintenance.

However, the threat to harass the township with an unrelated claim over the valuation of his personal property for tax purposes is out of place and inappropriate.  It has nothing to do with the case.  And the threat to expose corruption does not belong here either.  If you piss off the judge you do a disservice to the client.

And to those imagining that the lawyer who wrote the letter could be in trouble for doing that, think again.  No case has been filed.  Even if it were filed, the bar is set pretty high on sanctioning lawyers for filing frivolous cases.  It has to be obviously for purposes of harassment.  A weak trademark-based claim is not going to get you there.


You know you're boring the crap out of us, right?
2013-06-18 11:56:52 PM
1 votes:
Better call Saul.
2013-06-18 08:41:58 PM
1 votes:
Unprofessional, but hilarious. It's like the two girls who talk trash to each other then slap fight.

It's two lawyers, they should duel at sunup.....one less lawyer means we all win.
2013-06-18 08:07:50 PM
1 votes:
I know the attorney who sent the C&D, and he is a good guy.  The letter he sent looks pretty benign and routine to me.
That being said, the response is pretty funny.
Back when I was a young'un in the practice, I had a case involving a claim of a dead mouse in a food product.  In response to my initial claim letter, the carrier for the manufacturer sent me a letter enclosing a small baggie, and asked me to send them the mouse (presumably, they wished to perform a bogus mouse autopsy).
My response letter in its entirety was "Send a bigger bag."
2013-06-18 07:08:20 PM
1 votes:

Begoggle: Not to many real lawyers do "pro bono" work for some domain squatter.
What's the real story here?


I think the real story here is that you and a few other people don't know what the fark domain squatting is.
2013-06-18 06:51:45 PM
1 votes:

The Pope of Manwich Village: From 2008, Blue Jeans Cable responds to Monster Cable's cease-and-desist letter on certain patents and trademarks:

http://www.bluejeanscable.com/legal/mcp/response041408.pdf

"If Monster Cable proceeds with litigation against me I will pursue the same merits-driven approach; I do not compromise with bullies and I would rather spend fifty thousand dollars on defense than give you a dollar of unmerited settlement funds.

 "

My father said these exact same words when he was getting sued by the real estate attorney that bought his house.   Apparently if you buy a house in North Idaho, ignore all the advice the owner gives you about prepping for North Idaho winters, and your pipes freeze and break, that's your fault.

He also said "I want this shiat in front of a jury of North Idaho rednecks."

Jury took about half an hour to find for him.
2013-06-18 06:10:25 PM
1 votes:

MNguy: I think he said 'pro bono' when he meant to say 'pro se'.  Rookie mistake.


'Pro lulz', from the look of it.
2013-06-18 05:56:01 PM
1 votes:
Lawyer problems.

Please cease and desist all lawyer humor.
2013-06-18 05:39:07 PM
1 votes:

ArcadianRefugee: Raoul Eaton: reminds me of the day Rauol Jr, in a fit of pique over something I was saying, loudly demanded that I "Decease and Persist"

A demand you become a zombie? That would confust the hell out of me.


I was laughing too hard to be confusted.
2013-06-18 05:06:28 PM
1 votes:
I love how it was this whole big build up, then the payoff was in scribd.com, which is blocked at work.


/I hate the internet.
2013-06-18 05:01:28 PM
1 votes:

Dear Jerk: There was this guy who stole my gal and I stole her back so he used his lawyer buddy to harass us. After one letter, I spelled out why he had no case, but offered him a swift kick in the ass as a good faith settlement. It felt good to send that letter and to think about his lawyer showing it to him.


You are hilarious.
2013-06-18 05:00:28 PM
1 votes:

Lollipop165: Egoy3k: When the mere threat of legal action is enough to make a huge number of people back down due to fear of high legal costs, pro-bono attorneys talking smack to assholes who send groundless C&D letters is just fine with me.

I work in real estate and building management and get "threatened" with legal action all the mother farking time. I have a lawyer on retainer (just in case) but once I explain to the threatening lawyer that I'm not scared, know real estate law, and have a lawyer on retainer should I need it, they always back down. The lawyer's career is that of dick wagging. Once they realize I'm not a farking idiot in this business they put their tails between their legs and run.


I own a lot of property, including rentals, and I have legal threats aimed at me all the time. Luckily for me, a friend of the family is also my attorney of record. He's one of those small-town, mild-mannered types. Church deacon. Family man. And also a fearless barracuda who knows state property law, especially titles and deeds, forward and backward. I've actually seen people in the tax office grow pale when I mentioned his name during a discussion over land-use regulations, and they soon restored the agricultural tax value to some land they had mysteriously re-valued as residential.

His yearly fee is one of the few checks I write with a smile.
2013-06-18 04:59:24 PM
1 votes:
Pro bono lawyer, proving that people do their best work and have the most fun when they're working for free.

So eliminate the minimum wage.
2013-06-18 04:59:00 PM
1 votes:

Somaticasual: Well said on the response. But, in fairness, that's among the least legalese legal letters (fake tm) I've ever seen (even with the "confusingly" part)


According to urban dictionary, that wealth of knowledge, confustingly is a portmanteau of confusingly and frustratingly, which I think is just awesome and will use constantly now.
2013-06-18 04:57:49 PM
1 votes:

jst3p: Dear Jerk: There was this guy who stole my gal and I stole her back

Why would you want such a disloyal tramp back?


I think I see what you missed there.
2013-06-18 04:47:54 PM
1 votes:
When the mere threat of legal action is enough to make a huge number of people back down due to fear of high legal costs pro-bono attorneys talking smack to assholes who send groundless C&D letters is just fine with me.
2013-06-18 04:45:08 PM
1 votes:
For me the gold standard for these letters is this:

http://www.audioholics.com/news/industry-news/blue-jeans-strikes-bac k
2013-06-18 04:42:20 PM
1 votes:

kxs401: Huh, it's actually the writer of the response letter who comes off as rather an asshole bully.


Using that logic I guess we bullied poor Hitler.
2013-06-18 12:28:26 PM
1 votes:
farkin' lawyers, man.
It was kinda funny though.
2013-06-18 12:27:38 PM
1 votes:
I have tears in my eyes, it's so beautiful.
 
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