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(Deadspin)   Not having any luck at the bar? Pro bartender reveals the secrets of success   (deadspin.com) divider line 49
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1395 clicks; posted to FarkUs » on 18 Jun 2013 at 9:31 AM (2 years ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2013-06-18 09:26:57 AM  
I hope the ghost of Charles Bukowski shoves a poorly-made 1964 New York World's Fair Swizzle Stick up this guy's urethra
 
2013-06-18 09:49:52 AM  
Fark a Johnny Walker commercial.
 
2013-06-18 09:51:50 AM  

loki see loki do: Fark a Johnny Walker commercial.


Normally that would irritate me, but if she's selling something, sign me up for few hundred cases.
 
2013-06-18 09:58:13 AM  
1. Be attractive
2. Don't be unattractive
 
2013-06-18 10:02:30 AM  
True, I meant the article.
 
2013-06-18 10:44:59 AM  
Before I read TFA, is the answer "don't get your women from a bar"?
 
2013-06-18 11:30:26 AM  

Mr. Coffee Nerves: I hope the ghost of Charles Bukowski shoves a poorly-made 1964 New York World's Fair Swizzle Stick up this guy's urethra


loki see loki do: Fark a Johnny Walker commercial.


Holy hell that was inane.

FTA "I kind of envy anyone who has time to sit in a bar and read a newspaper.  And I just assume that they are somewhat intelligent and successful."
 
2013-06-18 11:53:23 AM  
I find that the best success rate is found when you have a friend who brings a girl with her to hang with you. A couple of drinks, a couple of minutes on the dance floor, and you're in. Usually it's a blowjob in the car, but sometimes she'll want the full dicking, so it's always good to have a place to take her. Her house is usually good. Your house is bad, because the kids or the wife will wake up.
 
2013-06-18 11:54:14 AM  
1) Know what you like, and order that.  Don't try to impress people with your choice of drink; it makes you look vapid and superficial.  Ordering something really expensive just because it's expensive makes you look like a tool.

2) Do Not, under any circumstances, hit on the staff.

3) See 2, because it's really f**king important

4) Don't go into a bar looking to score.  Everyone can smell the desperation.

5) If you MUST go to a bar to score, go to a frat boy bar or a sports bar, not a decent place.

6) See 2, I'm not f**king kidding.

7) If the place has a jukebox, Do Not play Ring of Fire, Stairway, Freebird, or anything by Bob Marley.  Your bartender has heard all of those songs at least 5 times already this shift.

8) If you're going alone, bring something to read.  Don't try to strike up a conversation with the staff, they are busy.  If they are not busy and they want to talk to you, they will.

9) If you get so drunk that you start getting maudlin and weepy, call a cab and get the hell out of there before you say or do something to get yourself kicked out.

10) If you're an angry drunk and getting hammered makes you aggressive, violent, or loud, give up drinking because you suck at it.

HTH
 
2013-06-18 12:05:40 PM  
That article was a double fail:

1) It was a basically one giant promotion for Johnny Walker

2) The bartender sounds like a massive douchenozzle.
 
2013-06-18 12:37:48 PM  
Eh, article isn't that bad, I could have used advice like that when I was young, instead of learning the hard way and embarrassing myself.


  

FloydA: 7) If the place has a jukebox, Do Not play Ring of Fire, Stairway, Freebird, or anything by Bob Marley.  Your bartender has heard all of those songs at least 5 times already this shift.



Who cares what the bartender has heard today?  If hearing the same song a few times is a bother to a worker, they should be glad they don't work the It's a Small World ride.
 
2013-06-18 01:19:52 PM  

Earguy: Eh, article isn't that bad, I could have used advice like that when I was young, instead of learning the hard way and embarrassing myself.


  FloydA: 7) If the place has a jukebox, Do Not play Ring of Fire, Stairway, Freebird, or anything by Bob Marley.  Your bartender has heard all of those songs at least 5 times already this shift.


Who cares what the bartender has heard today?  If hearing the same song a few times is a bother to a worker, they should be glad they don't work the It's a Small World ride.


This is why I like to stick with something instrumental to create an atmosphere suitable for pleasant conversation.  Perhaps a track from "Metal Machine Music" by Lou Reed.
 
2013-06-18 01:21:23 PM  
just wanted to say a gin and tonic with Tanqueray is the classiest drink around, screw all this Johnny Walker stuff
 
2013-06-18 01:23:36 PM  

Thelyphthoric: Earguy: Eh, article isn't that bad, I could have used advice like that when I was young, instead of learning the hard way and embarrassing myself.


  FloydA: 7) If the place has a jukebox, Do Not play Ring of Fire, Stairway, Freebird, or anything by Bob Marley.  Your bartender has heard all of those songs at least 5 times already this shift.


Who cares what the bartender has heard today?  If hearing the same song a few times is a bother to a worker, they should be glad they don't work the It's a Small World ride.

This is why I like to stick with something instrumental to create an atmosphere suitable for pleasant conversation.  Perhaps a track from "Metal Machine Music" by Lou Reed.


there is a frat bar in my town that has decent drink prices so occasionally I'll go out with the guys and we'll put on Slayer's Raining Blood on the jukebox. That place empties like someone has the plague and we get to sit wherever we want

/csb
 
2013-06-18 01:24:49 PM  
Earguy:

  FloydA: 7) If the place has a jukebox, Do Not play Ring of Fire, Stairway, Freebird, or anything by Bob Marley.  Your bartender has heard all of those songs at least 5 times already this shift.


Who cares what the bartender has heard today?


The person pouring your drink cares.  If you're comfortable paying for two shots of premium and getting a half shot of well, you go right ahead and play whatever you like.
 
2013-06-18 01:34:12 PM  
ModernPrimitive01:

there is a frat bar in my town that has decent drink prices so occasionally I'll go out with the guys and we'll put on Slayer's Raining Blood on the jukebox. That place empties like someone has the plague and we get to sit wherever we want

/csb


That costs your bartender money.  Every customer you drive out is one less tip the staff makes.  That can piss them off.   At a frat boy bar, it's not so big a deal because frat boys don't tip anyway, and the bartender was probably happy to see them leave.  But if you did that at a decent place, the bartender and wait staff would have a pretty low opinion of you.  That's not something you want.
 
2013-06-18 01:40:32 PM  

Yes please: 1. Be attractive
2. Don't be unattractive


3.  If you're ugly, dance well
4.  If you're ugly and can't dance, be rich.
5.  If you can't dance, are ugly and poor, GTFO loser
 
2013-06-18 01:45:03 PM  

ModernPrimitive01: just wanted to say a gin and tonic with Tanqueray is the classiest drink around, screw all this Johnny Walker stuff


you go to hell!

You go to hell and you die!
 
2013-06-18 02:00:46 PM  

FloydA: Earguy:

  FloydA: 7) If the place has a jukebox, Do Not play Ring of Fire, Stairway, Freebird, or anything by Bob Marley.  Your bartender has heard all of those songs at least 5 times already this shift.


Who cares what the bartender has heard today?

The person pouring your drink cares.  If you're comfortable paying for two shots of premium and getting a half shot of well, you go right ahead and play whatever you like.


Really?  Nobody bothers to watch the bartender pour the drink?
I've managed bars for years and if I caught one of my bartenders doing that, or had a customer (you know, the people you're there to make happy) complain about it,  they'd be looking for a new job.
Descent bartenders are a dime a dozen around here and there are plenty of people who wouldn't care of they had to sit through a 6th playing of "Margaritaville" as long as the tips were flowing.

Maybe things are just different where you live.
 
2013-06-18 02:10:31 PM  
Are you supposed to tip on every drink? I do tip the bartender more than a dollar but after a few drinks and if I'm at an open bar I'll slip them at least a twenty during the night. But I'm not a bar hopper so please illuminate me.
 
2013-06-18 02:27:22 PM  
FTFA: "I'll take a ward 8 with Johnny Walker Black, I would think they would know what they were doing."

I would think they're a douchebag trying to impress stupid people by ordering lowest-grade call liquor for the wrong cocktail. Ward 8s are a rye cocktail, like Manhattans. If you're going to do a call with Johnny Walker, don't bother, just drink well, and get the damned cocktail right, too.
 
2013-06-18 02:33:10 PM  
genepool lifeboat:

Really?  Nobody bothers to watch the bartender pour the drink?
I've managed bars for years and if I caught one of my bartenders doing that, or had a customer (you know, the people you're there to make happy) complain about it,  they'd be looking for a new job.
Descent bartenders are a dime a dozen around here and there are plenty of people who wouldn't care of they had to sit through a 6th playing of "Margaritaville" as long as the tips were flowing.

Maybe things are just different where you live.



If you're under the impression that "the customer is always right" and you'd fire any bartender for trying to discourage an asshole patron from coming back, well... all I can say is that your staff are probably  already looking for other jobs.  Obnoxious drunks drive away far more customers than tough bartenders.  When you disrespect the bartender or usurp his/her authority, the customers know it, and the good ones leave to go drink somewhere else.  Soon your bar ends up full of jerks.

(Also, "descent" is not a description of a bartender.  IIRC, it's a form of patriotic.)
 
2013-06-18 02:37:19 PM  
FloydA:

If you're under the impression that "the customer is always right" and you'd fire any bartender for trying to discourage an asshole patron from coming back, well... all I can say is that your staff are probably  already looking for other jobs.  Obnoxious drunks drive away far more customers than tough bartenders.  When you disrespect the bartender or usurp his/her authority, the customers know it, and the good ones leave to go drink somewhere else.  Soon your bar ends up full of jerks.

(Also, "descent" is not a description of a bartender.  IIRC, it's a form of patriotic.)


Be a dear and go mix me a drink, si vous plait
 
2013-06-18 02:42:25 PM  

Nana's Vibrator: Before I read TFA, is the answer "don't get your women from a bar"?


The produce section of the supermarket?
 
2013-06-18 02:43:36 PM  

FloydA: genepool lifeboat:

Really?  Nobody bothers to watch the bartender pour the drink?
I've managed bars for years and if I caught one of my bartenders doing that, or had a customer (you know, the people you're there to make happy) complain about it,  they'd be looking for a new job.
Descent bartenders are a dime a dozen around here and there are plenty of people who wouldn't care of they had to sit through a 6th playing of "Margaritaville" as long as the tips were flowing.

Maybe things are just different where you live.


If you're under the impression that "the customer is always right" and you'd fire any bartender for trying to discourage an asshole patron from coming back, well... all I can say is that your staff are probably  already looking for other jobs.  Obnoxious drunks drive away far more customers than tough bartenders.  When you disrespect the bartender or usurp his/her authority, the customers know it, and the good ones leave to go drink somewhere else.  Soon your bar ends up full of jerks.

(Also, "descent" is not a description of a bartender.  IIRC, it's a form of patriotic.)


Your first job is customer service.  Good customer service = repeat business = more money for the bar = more tips in your jar.  Acting like an irreplaceable douchebag is only going to get you fired.  If a customer is being an ass, you tell the guy running the place and the burden is no longer your to bare.  It is up to the manager/owner/whoever is in charge to deal with obnoxious drunks/lousy customers/general asshattedness, not the bartender.  Their job is to make the bar money and keep the customers coming back.
 
2013-06-18 03:01:21 PM  
genepool lifeboat:

Your first job is customer service.  Good customer service = repeat business = more money for the bar = more tips in your jar.  Acting like an irreplaceable douchebag is only going to get you fired.  If a customer is being an ass, you tell the guy running the place and the burden is no longer your to bare.  It is up to the manager/owner/whoever is in charge to deal with obnoxious drunks/lousy customers/general asshattedness, not the bartender.  Their job is to make the bar money and keep the customers coming back.


The owners are not in the bar late at night, which is the time when the bar is busy.  That's what they hire the staff for.  After about 5:00, the bartender IS the guy running the bar.  If a bar hires inept bartenders who allow the obnoxious drunks to stay, those drunks will drive away the good customers.  If the owners can't trust the staff (especially the bartender) to be able to distinguish good customers who deserve good service from bad customers who deserve to be 86'd, then the owners should hire a consultant to do their hiring for them.

If you want the good customers to come back, you have to get rid of the bad ones.  If you actually believe that the duty of the bartender is to make the bar money and keep the customers coming back, you must understand that kicking out the obnoxious drunks is part of that duty.  Getting rid of the customers who make the place uncomfortable IS "good customer service" to all of the other patrons.

Of course if you're running a place where the "bartender" is just a lever-pulling monkey, serving PBR to 20-somethings, you're going to have a different opinion of his/her responsibilities than if it's a decent place with well-trained, professional staff.  Not all bars are alike.
 
2013-06-18 03:11:09 PM  
Just give me a good dark beer and let me relax with friends.

I really, REALLY hate it though when that one guy in the group starts hitting on the waitress.  I always tip a little more since she had to put up with that BS.

//I know, get different friends or don't invite him along.
 
2013-06-18 03:13:03 PM  

meat0918: Just give me a good dark beer and let me relax with friends.

I really, REALLY hate it though when that one guy in the group starts hitting on the waitress.  I always tip a little more since she had to put up with that BS.

//I know, get different friends or don't invite him along.


I used to be that guy. I got over it.
 
2013-06-18 03:26:07 PM  

Crewmannumber6: meat0918:

I used to be that guy. I got over it.


You wouldn't have known it, but she was with the Russians, too.

/Send lawyers, guns, and money.
 
2013-06-18 03:33:49 PM  

Crewmannumber6: Nana's Vibrator: Before I read TFA, is the answer "don't get your women from a bar"?

The produce section of the supermarket?


Why, yes.

ts2.mm.bing.net
 
2013-06-18 03:34:00 PM  

Crewmannumber6: Nana's Vibrator: Before I read TFA, is the answer "don't get your women from a bar"?

The produce section of the supermarket?


No, you meet them at the abortion clinic. You just KNOW those chicks totally put out.
 
2013-06-18 03:58:22 PM  

Nana's Vibrator: Crewmannumber6: Nana's Vibrator: Before I read TFA, is the answer "don't get your women from a bar"?

The produce section of the supermarket?

No, you meet them at the abortion clinic. You just KNOW those chicks totally put out.


i230.photobucket.com
BONNNNNNNG!
 
2013-06-18 04:00:48 PM  
1) Don't go to a bar where it's so difficult to get a drink you need tips on getting a drink

/drtfa
 
2013-06-18 04:07:38 PM  

Nana's Vibrator: Crewmannumber6: Nana's Vibrator: Before I read TFA, is the answer "don't get your women from a bar"?

The produce section of the supermarket?

No, you meet them at the abortion clinic. You just KNOW those chicks totally put out.


From a great game of Cards Against Humanity:

farm8.staticflickr.com
 
2013-06-18 05:16:37 PM  
Hope you're getting a cut, Drew
 
2013-06-18 05:27:57 PM  

zerkalo: Hope you're getting a cut, Drew


Nope
 
2013-06-18 06:02:07 PM  

Drew: zerkalo: Hope you're getting a cut, Drew

Nope


Then I hope you're enjoying the smooth taste of Ketel One or perhaps a refreshing Johnnie Walker Double Black.
 
2013-06-18 07:22:25 PM  
img.fark.net
I'm not complaining about Christina Hendricks in the photo, but shouldn't that be Canadian Club?
Not that I'd drink that.
Or Johnny Walker Black either, unless someone else is paying.
 
2013-06-18 08:00:12 PM  
img.fark.net  Not having any luck at the bar? Pro bartender reveals the secrets of success (Sponsored Link)
 
2013-06-18 08:03:06 PM  
An article filled with pretentious azzhattery.

If you need to know these things you shouldn't allowed in bars with civilized people.

And the bartender? 'I like my drinks neat with a complicated side'?

That's just alcohol snobbery and the only one you're impressing is no one.
 
2013-06-18 09:33:28 PM  
FloydA:

7) If the place has a jukebox, Do Not play Ring of Fire, Stairway, Freebird, or anything by Bob Marley.  Your bartender has heard all of those songs at least 5 times already this shift.

Not that I would play any of those songs, but if I want to hear a particular tune from the jukebox, I absolutely, positively do not give a crap if the bartender doesn't.
 
2013-06-18 09:34:37 PM  

FloydA: Earguy:

  FloydA: 7) If the place has a jukebox, Do Not play Ring of Fire, Stairway, Freebird, or anything by Bob Marley.  Your bartender has heard all of those songs at least 5 times already this shift.


Who cares what the bartender has heard today?

The person pouring your drink cares.  If you're comfortable paying for two shots of premium and getting a half shot of well, you go right ahead and play whatever you like.


So, it is ok to steal from a customer if s/he plays a song you don't like.

Wow, what an asshole.
 
2013-06-18 09:55:26 PM  

Drew: zerkalo: Hope you're getting a cut, Drew

Nope


My first ever convo with the head cheese. Over a crummy commercial

/ovaltine
 
2013-06-18 10:22:38 PM  
FTA : I kind of envy anyone who has time to sit in a bar and read a newspaper. And I just assume that they are somewhat intelligent and successful.

Does that apply to Chinese buffets as well?

Because that's where I like to read a paper and have a bite to eat. I often get a real vibe of respect from the fat slobs and the undocumented workers that are near me.
 
2013-06-19 01:26:48 AM  
I would just like to take a moment to say that Johnnie Walker is no longer made in Kilmarnock and it tastes like paint thinner. Also, no true Scotsman would be caught dead with a bottle of that pish when the likes of Laphroag and Aardbeg are available.
 
2013-06-19 09:39:11 AM  

FloydA: ModernPrimitive01:

there is a frat bar in my town that has decent drink prices so occasionally I'll go out with the guys and we'll put on Slayer's Raining Blood on the jukebox. That place empties like someone has the plague and we get to sit wherever we want

/csb

That costs your bartender money.  Every customer you drive out is one less tip the staff makes.  That can piss them off.   At a frat boy bar, it's not so big a deal because frat boys don't tip anyway, and the bartender was probably happy to see them leave.  But if you did that at a decent place, the bartender and wait staff would have a pretty low opinion of you.  That's not something you want.


naaa, they all stand outside and smoke, then come right back in after it's over, minus a few of their seats of course
 
2013-06-19 10:59:58 AM  

bronyaur1: FloydA: Earguy:

  FloydA: 7) If the place has a jukebox, Do Not play Ring of Fire, Stairway, Freebird, or anything by Bob Marley.  Your bartender has heard all of those songs at least 5 times already this shift.


Who cares what the bartender has heard today?

The person pouring your drink cares.  If you're comfortable paying for two shots of premium and getting a half shot of well, you go right ahead and play whatever you like.

So, it is ok to steal from a customer if s/he plays a song you don't like.

Wow, what an asshole.


I let people know of a way to avoid inadvertently pissing off their bartenders, and therefore avoid getting poor service.  In your mind, this makes me an asshole?  OK then, I guess we just have different ideas about what constitutes assholishness.
 
2013-06-19 12:28:17 PM  
No rohypnol?
 
2013-06-19 02:41:21 PM  

Crewmannumber6: Nana's Vibrator: Before I read TFA, is the answer "don't get your women from a bar"?

The produce section of the supermarket?


img.fark.net Cucumbers are very sensuous, don't you think?
 
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