If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Washington Times)   If you want to give your students a writing assignment, almost anything would be better than having them write a suicide note, including how and why you're killing yourself   (washingtontimes.com) divider line 81
    More: Dumbass, private schools  
•       •       •

4011 clicks; posted to Main » on 13 Jun 2013 at 10:32 PM (1 year ago)   |  Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



81 Comments   (+0 »)
   
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

Archived thread

First | « | 1 | 2 | » | Last | Show all
 
2013-06-14 12:02:29 AM
I had to write my obituary for my Literary Genre class my senior year of high school. It was really lame, and I said something corny about my then-boyfriend. Geez, I'm cringing just thinking about it.
 
2013-06-14 12:03:10 AM

theotherles: Respond by writing:

"What is the value of this assignment with respect to knowledge of the English Language?"

Authorities hate it when their authority is questioned.


And they can't help but translate that hatred into giving you an A+!!
 
2013-06-14 12:09:00 AM
"So then I knew something was up when they shut the doors and the 'Rains of Castemere' started playing....and it was just horrible. I mean seriously....Dumbledore and now like 70% of the Stark family...wtf world???" The End. Because other generations had "who shot JR?" and i have to deal with this shiat.
 
2013-06-14 12:17:11 AM
"Dear NRA, thanks for making it easy for me to purchase a gun without any mandated checks into my prior transgressions or mental health problems, for the intent of killing myself (and possibly some others before that.) I'm not entirely sure if I would have been able to carry through with it, seeing as I don't know any criminals and am not familiar with how to acquire weed, let alone buy a gun on the black market."
 
2013-06-14 12:27:18 AM
Did most of them show up with suicide vest?

/'cause they should have
//Even Americans should hate America at this point
 
2013-06-14 12:28:17 AM

howdoibegin: "Dear NRA, thanks for making it easy for me to purchase a gun without any mandated checks into my prior transgressions or mental health problems, for the intent of killing myself (and possibly some others before that.) I'm not entirely sure if I would have been able to carry through with it, seeing as I don't know any criminals and am not familiar with how to acquire weed, let alone buy a gun on the black market."


You are cute because you are dumb.  Also, you exemplify the counter-gun argument stereotype so well that I really have nothing to add to this.  Furthermore, we should get together and insert things into one and other.
 
2013-06-14 12:40:58 AM
Hello World,

Today, my teacher asked me to write a suicide note. This is that note.
He asked within it to detail how and why I will be killing myself.

My teacher must be prescient of mind. I have already planned for my final destination many years ago. It involves a semi-automatic, I believe it's either called a Glock or a AK-47, pulsating bullets in my skull.
That this particular teacher has asked me to do this exercise exists the most delicious irony.
He is the one who dies first.

No, he did not touch me, and neither was I abused in any way - physical, verbal or otherwise - by him.
If there's anything he is guilty of and requires the solution of death, it is because he is in his 40s and sports a ponytail. On his balding head.
He is neither a musician, or a practioner of an alternative lfiestyle. He is the equivalent of someone old suddenly getting tattoos, or sparkly ear-rings.
They, and he, for the decency of the human race, deserve death. The only regret I have is that, after I off Old Dude, Mr. Ponytail-On-A-Balding-Head, I will commit suicide and cannot correct other outrageousnesses that proliferate in our society, such as ugly chicks with make-up (why bother?!) or guys who need to go to the gym in 26 mins (you know who they are). I will also never know I a fared in this essay task. I hope I will get an A. I deserve an A.

Goodbye World,
Fark You!
 
2013-06-14 12:45:18 AM
drupal.org
 
2013-06-14 12:46:02 AM

relaxitsjustme: Big deal.  We had to write an essay about what it would be like to stone our own Mother to death after reading The Lottery.  It didn't affect me any

/eye twitch


You do not want to know about the essay we had to write after reading Oedipus the King.

/shudder
 
2013-06-14 12:49:44 AM
Dear teacher, I'm going to eat my pop tart into a shape that vaguely resembles a gun in the hope that the school security guard will shoot me 25 times in the head with his AK-47 assault .88 Magnum revolver so I can get away from the stupidity that is zero tolerance. Please do me the favor of having the school board stand in front of me.
 
2013-06-14 12:50:18 AM

GungFu: Hello World,

Today, my teacher asked me to write a suicide note. This is that note.
He asked within it to detail how and why I will be killing myself.

My teacher must be prescient of mind. I have already planned for my final destination many years ago. It involves a semi-automatic, I believe it's either called a Glock or a AK-47, pulsating bullets in my skull.
That this particular teacher has asked me to do this exercise exists the most delicious irony.
He is the one who dies first.

No, he did not touch me, and neither was I abused in any way - physical, verbal or otherwise - by him.
If there's anything he is guilty of and requires the solution of death, it is because he is in his 40s and sports a ponytail. On his balding head.
He is neither a musician, or a practioner of an alternative lfiestyle. He is the equivalent of someone old suddenly getting tattoos, or sparkly ear-rings.
They, and he, for the decency of the human race, deserve death. The only regret I have is that, after I off Old Dude, Mr. Ponytail-On-A-Balding-Head, I will commit suicide and cannot correct other outrageousnesses that proliferate in our society, such as ugly chicks with make-up (why bother?!) or guys who need to go to the gym in 26 mins (you know who they are). I will also never know I a fared in this essay task. I hope I will get an A. I deserve an A.

Goodbye World,
Fark You!


Not bad, I give it an 85. 

- 10 points for going too cliche,
-10 for going too long, (you stomped the humor out a bit)
+5 for doing better than I ever could.

All in all, bravo sir
 
2013-06-14 01:01:15 AM
i39.tinypic.com
 
2013-06-14 01:01:17 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SudyHvtAPMY

No one has mentioned Bruce's Cry For Help from Kids In The Hall yet?
 
2013-06-14 01:03:49 AM

Yogimus: howdoibegin: "Dear NRA, thanks for making it easy for me to purchase a gun without any mandated checks into my prior transgressions or mental health problems, for the intent of killing myself (and possibly some others before that.) I'm not entirely sure if I would have been able to carry through with it, seeing as I don't know any criminals and am not familiar with how to acquire weed, let alone buy a gun on the black market."

You are cute because you are dumb.  Also, you exemplify the counter-gun argument stereotype so well that I really have nothing to add to this.  Furthermore, we should get together and insert things into one and other.


Yes, this. The Brady law has required a background check since 1994.
 
2013-06-14 01:11:53 AM

davynelson: it is a great idea, and a good way for kids to bring some shiat to the surface.


how ridiculous that a little creative writing is such a big farking deal


This. It's supposed to be a high-tone prep school. They should be doing college material. This isn't some random suburban public school.

Also, reading the notes could give teachers a chance to alert administration if their students are actually suicidal. I bet an exercise like this, with the right supervision, could save lives.

/I know it wasn't "write your own suicide note", but if it was, I don't have a problem with that, necessarily.
 
2013-06-14 01:19:41 AM

mccallcl: davynelson: it is a great idea, and a good way for kids to bring some shiat to the surface.


how ridiculous that a little creative writing is such a big farking deal

This. It's supposed to be a high-tone prep school. They should be doing college material. This isn't some random suburban public school.

Also, reading the notes could give teachers a chance to alert administration if their students are actually suicidal. I bet an exercise like this, with the right supervision, could save lives.

/I know it wasn't "write your own suicide note", but if it was, I don't have a problem with that, necessarily.


Or it could wrongly label some very creative but introverted student as a suicide risk, causing all kinds of stress for all involved. Do you really think the average teacher is qualified to decide that?
 
2013-06-14 01:54:49 AM

antron: [i39.tinypic.com image 638x224]


... never fails to crack me up
 
2013-06-14 01:57:20 AM
My suicide note:

Dear world,

I am dying of cancer, so I am going to end my life by my own terms.  If my plan worked out, I've already detonated my explosive belt and taken out at least two Kardashians or one Justin Bieber.  The following pages will explain how my hero's shrine and monument is to look, complete with measurements and construction materials.

Your hero,
Great Janitor
 
2013-06-14 02:19:35 AM

Great Janitor: My suicide note:

Dear world,

I am dying of cancer, so I am going to end my life by my own terms.  If my plan worked out, I've already detonated my explosive belt and taken out at least two Kardashians or one Justin Bieber.  The following pages will explain how my hero's shrine and monument is to look, complete with measurements and construction materials.

Your hero,
Great Janitor


Dammit man, no monument for you! You missed Snookie!
 
2013-06-14 04:04:45 AM
All are promised death
Took, not given, is my end
Have yours as you care
 
2013-06-14 04:23:27 AM
"We thought this was such an outrageous assignment for a 14-year-old to get. We pay a lot of money to send our kids to the school."

Yeah, because it would have been OK at public school.
 
2013-06-14 09:24:02 AM

Oldiron_79: Torrent of Rubbish: Oldiron_79: If I was to off myself cocaine and viagra overdose while banging 2 or more whores.

Terse, efficient and conveys your deepest thoughts effectively. You get an A-minus for your suicide note, Oldiron_79.

Well if this plan is an A minus plan what is the A plus plan?


I think you got points off for the missing comma, failure to use the subjunctive mood, and the sentence fragment ending...
 
2013-06-14 09:29:29 AM
Who did the teacher want to  murder and the leave a suicide note with the body?
 
2013-06-14 09:42:02 AM
Dear world,

By now you will have already discovered all seven proprietors of recently-cited but not shut-down puppy mills burned alive.  If you are curious as to how come they never moved from the cages in which they were found, I used a simple two-part cocktail of quick-dissolve pseudoephedrine to ensure their complete awareness by the time the fire reached them and injections of veterinary anaesthetic to their limbs. This should have the effect of preventing their feeling pain until it is much too late.

The animals have been moved by an army of only slightly misled volunteers to area no-kill shelters and to local general-aviation airports, where several older gentleman pilots are waiting to move them to states where there is a rescue demand for the breed. I regret that I had to promise my volunteers community-service hours or course credit, please make it up to them as best you can. The contents of my bank accounts, including the money left to me by my late husband, have already been routed to the ASPCA and my life-insurance policy names them as a beneficiary, with a stipulation that the worst-off regional and county shelters are to be helped first. I have carefully arranged to have a police officer related to the proprietors of Puppy Mill #4 discover me at the scene and trust, given his history of substance abuse and poor judgement, as well as his complicity in the torture of animals (see Appendix B,) that he will shoot me, thus enabling the full amount of the policy to be paid for the good of the animals. If not, I'm certain that the coroner's report will find 'heart failure' as my cause of death.

Also, in the event PETA should attempt to exploit my demise for any purpose, or even to mention it, my confederates will release various compromising documents onto the Internet. I have detailed accounts, with evidence, of the malfeasance of no less than twenty-one and at least fifty-five bankers, CEOs, Congressmen and, curiously enough, several entertainment personalities. You will treat my demise as the final act of psychotic performance art and philanthropy it was intended to be, or else you will all burn. For every million dollars subsequently donated by any of these un-named entities to low-cost spay-neuter or Trap-Neuter-Release programs, my confederates will burn one document, proceeding in a random order of my own devising.

Please take especial care of the thirty-seventh puppy from Mill #2. He is the miniature pinscher mix with the brown eyes, on whom I have placed a red collar. In the event that an innocent police officer should witness my death, I would like him or her to be offered this particular puppy to help with any PTSD, as he seems to have real therapy dog potential and should stay about that size. Also, if anyone else feels bad about the whole affair, I've left a modest fund for the lifetime veterinary care of the therapy animal of their choice.

I really wish it didn't have to end this way, but what part of 'crazy cat lady' did you guys not get?

-Spidey


/not that I've thought about it or anything.
 
2013-06-14 09:55:18 AM

quickdraw: This is the sort of writing assignment that only a childless stupid teacher would assign.


FTFY.

/I don't even *like* kids and I wouldn't be this stupid
 
2013-06-14 11:36:09 AM
Dear Penthouse,

   I never thought this could happen to me ...
 
2013-06-14 11:54:16 AM
I can think of thirteen reasons why this was not appropriate.
 
2013-06-14 12:02:09 PM
God forbid we teach student a useful skill that they can use later in life.
 
2013-06-14 12:31:17 PM
Suicide notes are for attention whores. If you had something to say to somebody at your death then you just didn't have the courage to say it to them while you were alive.
 
2013-06-14 12:53:51 PM

SpiderQueenDemon: Dear world,

By now you will have already discovered all seven proprietors of recently-cited but not shut-down puppy mills burned alive.  If you are curious as to how come they never moved from the cages in which they were found, I used a simple two-part cocktail of quick-dissolve pseudoephedrine to ensure their complete awareness by the time the fire reached them and injections of veterinary anaesthetic to their limbs. This should have the effect of preventing their feeling pain until it is much too late.

The animals have been moved by an army of only slightly misled volunteers to area no-kill shelters and to local general-aviation airports, where several older gentleman pilots are waiting to move them to states where there is a rescue demand for the breed. I regret that I had to promise my volunteers community-service hours or course credit, please make it up to them as best you can. The contents of my bank accounts, including the money left to me by my late husband, have already been routed to the ASPCA and my life-insurance policy names them as a beneficiary, with a stipulation that the worst-off regional and county shelters are to be helped first. I have carefully arranged to have a police officer related to the proprietors of Puppy Mill #4 discover me at the scene and trust, given his history of substance abuse and poor judgement, as well as his complicity in the torture of animals (see Appendix B,) that he will shoot me, thus enabling the full amount of the policy to be paid for the good of the animals. If not, I'm certain that the coroner's report will find 'heart failure' as my cause of death.

Also, in the event PETA should attempt to exploit my demise for any purpose, or even to mention it, my confederates will release various compromising documents onto the Internet. I have detailed accounts, with evidence, of the malfeasance of no less than twenty-one and at least fifty-five bankers, CEOs, Congressmen and, curiously enough, several entertainment personalities. You will treat my demise as the final act of psychotic performance art and philanthropy it was intended to be, or else you will all burn. For every million dollars subsequently donated by any of these un-named entities to low-cost spay-neuter or Trap-Neuter-Release programs, my confederates will burn one document, proceeding in a random order of my own devising.

Please take especial care of the thirty-seventh puppy from Mill #2. He is the miniature pinscher mix with the brown eyes, on whom I have placed a red collar. In the event that an innocent police officer should witness my death, I would like him or her to be offered this particular puppy to help with any PTSD, as he seems to have real therapy dog potential and should stay about that size. Also, if anyone else feels bad about the whole affair, I've left a modest fund for the lifetime veterinary care of the therapy animal of their choice.

I really wish it didn't have to end this way, but what part of 'crazy cat lady' did you guys not get?

-Spidey


/not that I've thought about it or anything.


I think I'm in love.
 
2013-06-14 02:47:39 PM
ArmednHammered:

Or it could wrongly label some very creative but introverted student as a suicide risk, causing all kinds of stress for all involved. Do you really think the average teacher is qualified to decide that?

"All kinds of stress?" Well, never mind then!
 
Displayed 31 of 81 comments

First | « | 1 | 2 | » | Last | Show all

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking
Submit a Link »






Report